Can’t Do It

Ok, ok.

It’s hard for me not to write out all the shit that goes through my head.

Yes, part of me does wish I would just have a massive heart attack and die.

Let’s just put that out there. 

Because there is no end in sight.

And I can’t go on like this. This constant torrential pouring down of shit. One thing after another.

How do you get through it? Especially with solutions when there don’t seem to be any?

I feel like I can only take so much.

I’m wanting to quit this job. I’m wanting to pack up my Grey and just go, leave everything else behind.

But where? I have 800 dollars to my name and that goes for rent. I’m behind on the electric bill too so…

I’ve been running the air a lot because I’m so sensitive to the heat and we’ve got a week of this shit ahead of us.

Being overweight again doesn’t help with that.

I’m so uncomfortable.

The puppy was so heartfelt and welcome but this is so hard. At least when you have a baby, they can’t go anywhere and they only poop in their diaper, not all over.

I got in way over my head with this and I feel like such a failure.

Then there’s me; my weight, the IBS. I joke about poop all the time but it’s taking a toll. I feel dirty all the time. And yes, I’ve tried so many different things to see if anything will help and the only thing that does, is not eating at all.

And I think because of all the stress, my cortisol levels must be through the roof because I’ve developed this B.O., it’s a bad smell. It’s not always here but if I don’t shower twice a day, you can smell it. I don’t like this.

My clothes don’t fit. I feel so ugly. 

You have no idea how this self loathing feels to carry.

The cats are so upset about the puppy, we are so out of whack.

You guys, there is nothing to look forwards to for me. That spark is just gone. I am a boring, sad, fat, frumpy ugster. If this is going to be my life, I want out.

I just want out.

I know it’s scary to read this but think of it this way; if I had cancer and was suffering and I chose to end it, you all would understand but I am in pain, it’s just a different kind. And I fear it’s terminal. There is nothing joy. There is no hope.

Hang in there is not a good thing to say to me right now. Hang in there until what? I lose everything? These problems aren’t going away.

You have to understand too that I believe there is something beautiful beyond all this.

And if I’m wrong and there’s nothing…at least all this struggle ends.

Someone said to my daughter the other night that no one seems to be taking something seriously. Understand that no one takes seriously the depths that I’ve sunk to either. I don’t know if I can make it back up to breathe anymore. I might’ve sunk to far.

You see, it’s not just one thing, it’s many, many things.

I have nothing left in me.

Nothing.

I want Mom and Dad. If there really is something after this, and they are there, I just want to be with them.

I feel nothing good. I feel empty but full of just failure and grief too.

Mental health shit is real. It’s real and it’s hard but when you add to that a life that keeps throwing shit at you, well that’s hard too.

I think I’m going to clean my apartment and start throwing all the supplies for my products away. 

It’s never going to happen. Good things happen to me but never lasting things. Less for my family to have to do.

You all have to trust that relief looks different for everyone.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better. Maybe not.

But I do know I can’t sit here on my stupid phone all day wondering how I’ll get to work tomorrow.

If I can’t get there tomorrow, I’ll quit. My boss doesn’t deserve this either.

So…I mean that’s my truth and that’s where I’m at.

I won’t post this one on my page. To many people will freak out.

No End

Hey All,

I could sleep and sleeep and sleep. I HATE waking up. I have no Transportation so I couldn’t go into work today. Another missed day of pay. Wow. Because that’s what I need.

The bill collectors will start calling in an hour. I’m already in tears. I wish I could be strong and I wish there were answers, but I feel that there are none.

If things would stop getting worse, I could believe that they could get better, but it’s one thing after another and I’m beat by this, I can’t go on.

Not like this.

My Auntie was here this weekend and I love her so much and I’m so glad she came. I just feel bad because I really had nothing in me, I kinda know where this is gonna end up with me, this whole thing. I just can’t do it anymore you guys I can’t.

I am despondent over the puppy, but I’m at peace with the decision. He’s here for two more days and I have to figure out how to get him way out to the rescue, which is in Buffalo, Minnesota.

When I got out of bed to go to the bathroom this morning, I looked at my legs and they are covered in bruises. Those must come from the puppy, right? He’s a  biter.

I have nothing. Absolutely nothing positive to say here. I have no solution.

Well I do but there is no one who could possibly do that for me.

I’m gonna check out and try to get through yet another horrific day.

Be at peace and be blessed my friends,

Neecie

Donkey C*ck

Sunday.

I’m having a really hard time holding on.

I have slowly been losing the ability to do much of anything. I feel confused by life in a way I never did. It’s like there’s so much to constantly do and every step forward I make, the Universe pulls me back and hits me with more.

My car died.

I had to finally admit I can’t keep the puppy. I’m sick about it. I want to die. I hope he is as loved by someone else as he is by me. 

I admitted to my bestie this morning that I cry every morning when I realize I didn’t die while I slept. I go to bed asking the Gods, The Universe or whatever to take me.

My dreams will never come true. I’m fat, old and ugly. My nose has changed and it makes me look bizarre. I dress like a frump. I can’t get my hair done.

I can’t even afford to pay an attorney for bankruptcy so I can stop the 75+ calls a day from debtors.

I want to change. I want to show myself and others what I can do but there is no motivation or hope anymore.

I hate summer and it just won’t go away. 80s all week, sometimes close to the 90s. I can’t do it.

I want to be with Mom and Dad.

There are good things here but they are not things that need me. 

I have nothing, no energy, no hope. I’m tired all the time.

This is not a cry for help. I don’t want help. I want out.

I do believe in God, just not the way some do. I’m frustrated and hurt by “God” at this time but I believe what I believe and I think there’s release and live and an understanding we can’t begin to achieve here.

I will never get to warn or achieve the things most people take for granted; success, a home…a puppy. 

My kids think they need me but they do t. I’m a burden. I’m a Debbie Downer.

I’m no use to anyone or anything anymore.

I just want to go to where we go when this ends. This place sucks and I hate it.

I love my people and my animals but the rest of sucks big, hairy donkey cock. 

Lucky donkey.

The puppy is snoring and has been cuddled up to me for hours. I am not worthy of him or deserving of this adoration. It wouldn’t be like this if I was.

I’m just writing this because I want people to know, when I get this all figured out, that’s it’s not their fault. It’s something bigger than me that I can’t fully understand.

I just can’t even fully understand.

Be Blessed y’all.

D

Alone & Fat

Good Morning!!

It’s raining and shitty out.

My Aunt arrived safely and she and my sister hung out last night. 

I got in my cups. 

I’m so unhappy. Sometimes I wonder if I ever was happy and if I’ll ever be happy.

I love this puppy so much, it’s just the responsibility overwhelming. But he’s laying next to me now, conked out and I have to believe I’ve done something good, that all of this will work out. That my life will work out.

If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I really hope I don’t have to come back, not if it’s gonna be more of the same shit. 

I’m sinking. I feel like I’ve been hanging on for dear life for a long time and I’m slowly losing my grip. And what am I holding onto? Because it’s all so hard.

I feel like the only way out is the permanent way out because I have a hard time believing life will ever be anything other than kaka.

I’m grateful for my family and my friends, I’m grateful for my kitties and this little puppy.

But I’m just so sad all the time. Alone, fat and sad.

I wake up in the morning and all I look forward to is when I can go to bed again.

It is what it is. I’m committed to remaining north of the earth today.

And eventually, it’ll be time for bed again.

Yay.

I do however hope you have a good day Dear Reader.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I Had To

 

For the Love of Any and All Things Holy,

It’s Friday!!

The wild rumpus is about to begin and I guess I can either whine about it or get onboard. Onboard is better.

I got some of the apartment cleaned up last night but I am going on pure adrenaline at this point and no real energy.

I’m exhausted.

But.

I am excited to see my Auntie.

And while I work all week next week, I have the following Monday off. We all do.

Thank YOU!!

The city turned off the water here for a street project and I have to poop.

I pooped. I had to.

Luckily, the toilet is flushing and also I could wash my hands.

There is a guy at work who is something else (no names). He’s a nice person but the most negative person I’ve ever met. I don’t say that lightly cuz I’ve meet some negative nellie’s in my life but he takes the cake.

He comes into my office every morning and goes on and on and on about my boss, about the way she runs things, about the liberals, about EVERYTHING.

Yesterday, my boss bought everyone Chipotle. He complained to me about how she got Chipotle and she should’ve gotten burgers but I guarantee you, had she gotten burgers, he would’ve bitched about the kind she got.

How about some gratitude?

I’m super nervous. The puppy will be alone today. He’ll be in the crate and he barks like a champ. I need to get the necessary paperwork for him so my apartment knows he’s here.

He was super naughty last night. SO naughty.

I’m so tired.

Whatever, no regrets because when he kisses me and looks at me with love and falls asleep in my lap, all is forgiven.

Alright, well, Friday is my day to clean the offices.

Since the water is working, here we go. One of the front office guys is leaving early today so my boss probably won’t let me go early but I’m going to try.

I’m so nervous about the puppy. I want to get a fence so he can travel the bedroom if he gets out of the crate.

There’s a lot to do with this dude.

I can have him registered as a emotional support dog but it’s expensive.

I just need a minute to breath, ya know?

OK bye.

Have a great Friday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Uh...Don't Ask Me

 

Good Morning,

I’m not sure if it is or not, lol.

The puppy and I went to bed at a bit after 10 and he slept until 4:45.

He has a name and I’ll explain all that shortly.

Why name a puppy we aren’t keeping? I guess because we’re keeping him and if you happened to see my post yesterday before I took it down, I was angry yesterday.

The Universe does some fucked up shit.

While much of my life is my fault, my own choices, etc., the Universe does not make it easier.

Sometimes I feel like I live in a simulation. That there are aliens who created a computer program and we are it and most of us are filler content that has a basic recipe and I fit into that.

And it’s programmed to just throw shit at “characters” like me every so often, unless the writer of the content decides to do something special.

I already know that some people are going to be so frustrated with me but I…the abandonment issues I have are so deep seated in me. As a result, I can’t abandon people or animals because then I feel that I’m evil and that I’m causing harm to innocents just like the harm that was done to me. I don’t say us because my sister has her own journey, perceptions, feelings about our childhood and she doesn’t have the same mental health stuff. I just can’t presume to speak for her and I bring that up because I refer to “me” and that may sound self-centered; it’s not meant to be. It’s meant to be respectful to her.

Ok, so anyways, my shit continues to affect me, even if it has gotten much better.

And I can’t give that puppy up, no matter how poor I am, when he looks up at me with so much love. You can read it right there in his eyes.

I’m fucking bawling at my desk just thinking about it.

I don’t have what it takes to walk away and while people may look at me and say, “How could she do this”, I’m thinking, “How could someone not do this.”

And so.

I have a dog.

Be careful what you ask for. This fucked up Universe provides but often times, if not always, it does it in a way we could not have conceived of.

I take things like death very hard too. We all do right? But it affects me right down to the center of my soul and makes me think all of the things; which I could go into and will sometime but not now. It’s so many feelings all at once and I’ve had some personal losses recently and of course, the public ones which are devastating in a different way and just the heaviness of them affect me even if I didn’t know these people; Hayden Panittiere, Dolly Parton, Tim Curry.

I feel these things deeper and it has nothing to do with being a deeper person than most, it’s my borderline personality disorder. I just feel things bigger.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like not to feel things the way I do, to be able to detach and be cold.

To be able to make the non-emotional decisions.

Anyways, I am not going to write about how everything is going to change as a result of the puppy and this is my wakeup call.

This is what it is. I have a puppy and I’ll step up or I won’t.

If I tell you that my heart finally stopped racing once I made the decision to keep him, that my anxiety lessoned and that I am no longer shitting diarrhea out of my ass every 20 minutes or so, well then take that as you will.

When my mom was changing, when she still was living on her own but I was going over to her condo everyday to oversee her meds and to get her fed, I was working as a beauty consultant at Walgreen’s and this woman…I’ve never forgotten her, walked right up to me and hugged me and she said, “God told me you have deep hurt and that you need a hug.”

It’s shit like that, that makes me think maybe this isn’t some fucked up simulation after all.

Anyways, I’m leaving work early today and I’m going home to get my apartment done.

The stress of all this has me smoking again and I can’t do that so that’s done again, as of tonight.

Stress and sorrow and anxiety…I just have never mastered how to juggle all of them, thus the smoking.

But no more.

It literally is not even an option.

Bye.

So with no further words, his name is:

Frodo Frenchie Axel Johnson.

Frodo…because I love Lord of the Rings, I love Frodo and his gentle, yet determined demeanor, his love for family and friends and his loyalty.

Frenchie…my son suggested it because I’ve always wanted a Frenchie. This puppy isn’t a Frenchie but he’s my boy and I’m grateful. Axel is a family name; we have ancestors with the name, my son and my nephew’s middle names are Axel and some of our animals have had that tied in as well.

Johnson is obviously self-explanatory.

So just know this. If you read this entry and find yourself doubting me, frustrated with me, disbelieving my choice to willingly add more chaos, just know I am feeling those things too.

I have answers and I have no words.

Just sadness and love.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wishing I Could Go Home

 

Good Morning,

How is everyone doing? I hope you are all well.

I am devastated.

By everything.

The puppy is going back today. I would do anything to be able to keep him for myself. He’s coming along in his potty training and he does have diarrhea but oh my God, he sleeps all curled up in my neck.

But it’s the right thing to do given my circumstances. And I understand why my boy can’t keep him. He’s being realistic and I applaud that.

But it all hurts so much.

So very much.

I don’t know how much more I can take. I stopped breathing on the way to work again.

I almost didn’t come in today but I can’t do that either.

My daughter is texting, she wants to keep him too. She’s offering to get a second job.

I told her to ask for one more day…

How quickly I’ve gotten used to having him in my arms at night.

Obedience training is $350.00 for 3 different courses, beginning through advanced. I mean…maybe? If we could get him through our lease, I would then be able to get the hell out of these apartments.

I am really trying to come to terms with what’s practical vs. what’s best for the puppy and for us and what’s best could be argued either way.

There’s so much I don’t know. How often do we get their nails clipped? How do I socialize him? Tick medicine? Vet checks? He’s not done with his shots yet.

I know I wasn’t ready for this. I’ve known for years that I want a puppy, a dog but I also knew I wasn’t ready. It was not in the immediate plan.

There is so much going on beyond the puppy.

I’m sad. I’m overwhelmed. I’m worried.

There is a lot going on.

I got my nails done finally and my wounds are all healing but there is one of my leg that needs to be reopened as there are these…I don’t know how to explain them. They are hardened balls inside the wound, just underneath the scab that are created by all the medicine and lotion I put on. I have to pull them out as they could cause infection down the road.

Of all the anxiety/OCD disorders I could get, why dermatillomania? I’ll take care of it tonight. I’m going to need needles to do it as the nails prevent me from doing it on my own with my fingers.

Which is exactly what they are supposed to do but still gotta get these things out.

I do NOT want to be here today.

I’m afraid of going home to no puppy.

How can you fall in love so quickly?

I don’t know…I didn’t ask for this on top of all the other hell we have had to deal with. Falling in love, albeit with a puppy, was not in the cards.

I don’t want him to feel abandoned. I know he loves us too; so trusting and such a menace in the best way.

Maybe I will go home today. We’ll see.

Some of this may seem cryptic and some of you may be wondering…what the hell has happened? What exactly is going on? Not my story to tell.

This blog comes with the internal agreement that it’s all about me. I may write about who I hang out with and what we do and some non-invasive info but this is about me.

It’s supposed to be about progress and forward movement but it seems instead to be…

Whatever it is I guess.

Gotta go. There’s nothing to do here, I’m all caught up. But…7 hours until I’m out of here.

Sigh.

I hope you all have a good day.

I hope you’re all happy.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Fi'dollah Cheeseburgers

 

Hi My Loves,

Wow. Monday came fast.

Every muscle in my body hurts. Every. Single. One.

I’ve been taking the puppy out every hour and a half or so. We did end up with a few accidents last night so I’ll be taking him out every two hours starting tonight. I’ll be tired for awhile but he’s worth it.

So we went out about 9 times yesterday. Some were quick trips and some were a bit longer. He wants to eat virtually everything. I need to get him more chew toys.

Every once in a while, he gets aggressive, it’s a play thing, but he does it pretty hard and I can’t give him mixed messages so even though the little chews are so damn sweet, I can’t let him do it.

I love him already.

It’s my son’s birthday and I got to say Happy Birthday and hug him this morning. What a wonderful thing.

Baker’s Square has $5.00 cheeseburger and fry nights on Monday so we’re gonna go do that when I get home.

I have something for each night until my Aunt gets here.

And I am prepared for little sleep because of the puppy.

You guys, the way he looks at us like he would do anything for us, like he’s just as in love with us as I we are with him.

He loves my son so much and he’s getting to know my daughter today as she is sitting for him while I’m at work.

I want a happy ending here, for all of us, because at this point, we fucking deserve one.

So please, pray for me that I can get the bankruptcy filed and out of the way. Once that occurs, I can start working on my credit again.

Blah blah.

That doesn’t matter right now.

But the bankruptcy does. I’m hoping all my hospital bills are in so I can add them to the bankruptcy.

I just want this money shit over.

I want whatever “next” is.

Again, I’m just so sore from all the walking up and down the stairs and the cleaning yesterday and the walks…apparently I have bones and joints and muscles I didn’t know about.

But it’s all worth it.

Got a list!

Gotta get it done, want to enjoy my Auntie’s visit.

Alright well…thank you for putting energy out for us.

I guess, after work, it’s 1, 2, 3 go!

Have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Puppy, Puppy, Puppy

 Hi and G’day Mates,

Oh my goodness, I have Puppy fever. I am so in love with my son’s dog.

You guys, he is good!!!! We have not had one accident. He poops and pees outside. In all fairness, I bring him out every hour to hour and a half.

Puppy sitting is fun.

And the apartment organization continues.

By this evening, it’ll be completely clean and puppy proofed. 

Then this week, with the relief of having that done, I’ll hit the projects I want to finish.

I think once I finish my room, I’ll go to sleep with him for a bit and then I’ll get up and hit the dining room as my cats need the dining room table to eat on for now.

I’m thinking puppy will be here for a week at most but we’ll adjust of necessary. 

I’ll try and post a short of him soon.

So yeah, too busy and too tired to feel the depression that has coiled itself around me. Today, the grip is not tightening!

Ok, well. Gotta go.

Have a blessed rest of the day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Jumping In

Hi Boo Boo’s,

I woke up feeling good today and I’m jumping right in.

Just did a Target pickup. When I get home, I’m pulling everything out of my car.

Tomorrow, I’m going to get inside this sucks and clean it as best I can. I’m gonna go to one of those car places and vacuum it out too.

It desperately needs to be detailed but that’s not in the budget.

So I’ll do what I can.

It still reeks like smoke and I’m finding that to be a trigger so it’s gotta be cleaned, at least to the best of my ability.

Last night, I gave myself a facial and also waxed my stash…as in mustache. Menopause! Gotta love it. My beautiful Main of hair is dwindling, but it’s coming back in the form of a mustache and a beard. The beard is like the tiniest little goatee, LMAO.

Whatever.

There are so many things in the plan for today in order to get ready to just enjoy next weekend and my aunt’s visit.

I’m excited.

This time of year always surprises me with gifts from the universe, or as I believe, mom and dad. The weather starts to slowly cool down, and I feel magic in the air and I’m just better in the fall.

So there are many things to look forward to.

And I shall share them all either here or on my YouTube channel or both.

Someone on where my friends.

I hope you have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Clearly

 

Good Morning!

Well…I did not feel well at all yesterday. I got home at about 4:30, got into bed and went to sleep. I got up briefly at one point and it was dark out. My daughter had cuddled up to me at one point but then she came in to tell me she’d be at her bestie’s for the night.

And I went back to sleep.

I was in bed for almost 13 hours.

I would say something has to give because what I’m doing?  It’s not working.

Clearly (said in my finest British accent).

We all know this.

I’m not in the mood for Debbie Downer shit today.

Cuz we all know y’girl’s sob story.

You know, with the VisionList for this year, I tentatively put in obtaining 1000 YouTube Subscribers to my list of goals and it’s funny; I don’ treat it with my usual insanity and obsessing and “have to do this attitude.” I just do it most mornings, shoot my shorts. I have been abysmal at shooting long form, but even so…holy shit, I’m over 800. This could actually happen.

I’m so excited to hit 1K because monetary things can begin at that point; nothing that will make a huge difference in the beginning, just the possibility.

I like possibility.

Possible means hope.

God, I do not want to be here today. I need to clean. I always clean the office on Fridays; sweep, mop, clean the women’s bathroom. I do the men’s too but not in to great detail because…ewwww. Provide me a mask and gloves and I’m in.

The women’s bathroom? That’s me and my boss only. Like…she’s clean. I’m good.

Sigh.

But yeah, I’m trying to rock it out at work this morning so I can coast the rest of the day. I’m hyper, that’s not necessarily always a good thing. Not happy, just hyper.

I am trying also to decide if I want to go to my 45^th reunion. There are some I’d like to see and some…yeah, I could care less.

But maybe?

If, somehow, I can dig deep and get a shit-ton done this weekend, then I am going to start on this healing journey…at least the physical part ya know? It’s time.

All’s I really know, is that the way things are, they are not working for me. I’m lethargic, depressed, tired and seemingly uncapable of experiencing joy.

I will experience joy tonight because I am going to drop some things off that I bought for my new grandpup.

And I’ll get to see him.

I still don’t know his name, lol.

Ok, well, on with it as they say.

I hope y’all have a great Friday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Biggest Hair

 

Good Morning!

I want fall. It is not fall. The temps are still in the 80s, which mind you, I will take over 90s and higher any old day but it’s too hot for me.

I feel like I’m on a sinking ship lately. This depression, this being stuck financially, all of it. I can’t seem to come out of it.

And you know, there’s something else. I have written in this blog for years about my poop issues, my IBS.

Look, it has taken on a new life and I try not to write too much about it because same old, same old but it’s affecting my quality of life in a way I’ve never experienced.

I fart almost constantly. They just come out of me. There is literally no controlling it. And it happens at work, when I’m talking to my boss, when I’m helping customers. I just rip ass.

The mornings start out with pain, cramping and full on attacks so I’m vomiting every morning from the pain. And they are the mud bath poops. It takes forever to clean up. I feel dirty all the time.

I worry about being stinky. I carry wipes with me now. I use those first and then I follow up with toilet paper, then I scrub my hands.

It’s depressing.

I knew that quitting smoking would make changes but I thought they’d be for the better.

Once I quit coffee, or at least coffee as I’ve known it for years now, maybe that will help.

Then we have the dreams. So many dreams. I really wish I had my fitbit back or something that tracks sleeping because while I am getting a ton more than I was, this dreaming thing? Also out of control.

Last night, I had a dream about my step-monster. She was wearing a sequined, magenta colored dress and magenta is a color of kindness and compassion…ummmm, yeah, that’s not her. It could be that my subconscious wants me to show more kindness and compassion towards her but I don’t’ know. Maybe she died and I haven’t heard about it yet and that was her way of saying she’s sorry.

The weird thing about her is that she doesn’t rule my life. I no longer have resentments, I just don’t like her and would never be able to trust her. Like, she’s not someone I aim to have in my life.

It could also be symbolic for me needing to show myself more kindness and compassion. I’m lucky to be surrounded by that but it’s true I don’t show myself much.

I never have.

Things are getting a bit fuzzy around the edges at work too. On the one hand, I really do believe that the magnesium L-Threanate is helping me with focus. But I’m tired and I think this magnesium Is part of the issue with the poop situation.

I am however, unwilling to go without sleep again.

So the magnesium remains.

I think maybe instead of trying to jump out of bed every morning at 5 and get my morning routine done, I should just work on getting out of bed at 5. If I just sit there, I just sit there but I can start the whole “morning routine” thing once I’m used to just getting my ass out of bed.

On a completely different note, an ex of mine from my teen years showed up. He was darling. He had the biggest heavy metal hair I’d ever seen at that point. He was so cute. Women loved that guy. We only went out for a short while but we became the best of friends after that.

Fast forward all the years of not seeing each other and we are soooooo different.

His hair is still amazing. It’s steel gray and white and he has tons of it but that face I loved? Huge bags under his eyes, missing teeth.

I stalked his FB page and he and his wife have land and all that and I think he’s probably still doing good, but…we are not the same.

His sister and I are friends on FB and she told me they don’t speak because of their political differences. Nor does he speak to his daughters for the same reason.

I’m sad but he’s not in my life anyways and I can remember the boy I loved. The one who was so much fun and so stupid in the most endearing way and who introduced me to Metallica.

You gotta love a boy whose hair is bigger than yours and still looks good.

Sigh.

I wish we didn’t have to grow up. I do NOT remember discussing politics and hating people for their differences.

We just had fun.

Ok, well my boss is out today. And guess who has little to nothing to do? I’m worried about one of our guys, the one I work the closest with. He’s experiencing that Kaleidoscope vision, I’ve only had that once but he’s had several times and I looked up when it’s an emergency and he meets the criteria.

I hate getting old.

Well now that we’ve got y’all caught up…

Peace.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Marching

 

Oh Man…Good Morning!

Life marches on, does it not

People we used to know go on with their lives and we go on with ours and life marches on.

Until it doesn’t.

Death is a weird, weird thing.

Yesterday, I was perusing FaceBook as I often do and there it was, in black and white.

Shawn is gone.

And we all knew it would come, but when it does, it still blows you away, brings up memories, brings up feelings you weren’t prepared to feel, makes you wish things could’ve been different.

One of my biggest regrets has always been how I treated the people I used drugs with when I was “out there.”

I viewed them as less then. I may have not let myself think that but it’s how I behaved.

They were good enough for me to be around when I wanted to use, they were a means to an end but when I was done, I was done with them too, cast them aside only to pick them up when the urge came upon me again.

I know that in many ways, it was a survival tactic to me. I didn’t want to end up where they were, ya know? I never wanted to be homeless, let alone OK with it.

I never wanted to be filthy and have no access to a shower. I never wanted to go hungry.

And I suppose part of it was an ego thing. Here comes Denise and with her comes money and a willingness to share.

They viewed me as their friend but when I was done, I couldn’t wait to get away from them.

Shawn was, at the time I met him, my daughters’ father’s best friend.

And oh man, the shenanigans I could write about.

In the midst of the pain and chaos my drug use created, there were times that were so fun and so funny.

And that’s what I’m choosing to remember and really the only way I can honor Shawn.

He had his dark side and it was violent and scary and frustrating. It pushed us away from him but he had a funny side too. I can’t tell you all of the stories. But he was hilarious. He was a host, he loved cooking for people and joking and laughing.

I’m glad I knew him, I’m glad he’s a part of my story.

In talking with his sister last night, I found out that he was able to spend some time with my girls’ dad.

Their dad…what can I say? He is no longer homeless but he’s still drinking. I don’t know if he used drugs anymore, it’s been so so long since we’ve had contact and I don’t desire contact. He’s another one that you hope will get his life together but you know he probably won’t. Part of me is surprised that Shawn went before him but…at any rate, I’ll have much to deal with on that front too when he’s gone but um…they spent some time together drinking. And I’m glad they had that, I don’t know why but it does my heart good to know they had some time together.

I feel like that’s right.

One thing about me is that over the years, I have met people with such big pain; trauma, etc.

And I just…now…I try to find the ways in which we are alike as opposed to noticing how we are different and passing judgement. I hold the stories of those willing to tell them.

We are all  these little bright lights and our time here is so brief. We should honor the light I guess.

I’m not saying ignore bad behavior, I’m not saying let people take advantage of you or be cruel, abusive, whatever. No. You have to protect you and yours but just…honor the light that was there, if nothing  else as a potential unmet in this lifetime.

Addiction doesn’t give a shit who you are, if you were born into  money or poverty, it doesn’t care if you’re a nice person or an evil one, it doesn’t give one flying fuck about karma or family curses, it doesn’t care if you have pre-existing mental health issues or not, doesn’t care about your family or loved ones…it’s all powerful.

Shawn, I know you looked out for me more than once. You definitely made me laugh more than once. I will never see someone do the “moonwalk” without thinking about how you did the moonwalk, your take on it so to speak.

So funny.

Rest well. Heal brother.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Defeat

 

Hello There,

Oh my is all I can say. Last night…nightmares. I mean ferocious, horrid, terrifying nightmares. I’d wake up, pet the cats, go back to sleep and the dream was there waiting for me.

It was more like a movie but at the same time, I was in the movie.

Anyways, I’m up, I’m at work and doing the thing…the thing called life.

Weirdly, I want to go home. I mean, It’s this pull. It’s not about not wanting to work, I just want to be home with my daughter.

In the dream, she had been sleeping and didn’t know I was being assaulted by this killer and trying to get away from him and I was afraid she’d wake up and never know that I hadn’t left her willingly. She was still little in the dream.

It’s bizarre how much a dream can affect your psyche.

Ok, well I have 6 hours and 15 minutes left.

The guys in the shop are busy but I’m not that busy.

I’m going to come up with a plan for the steps I need to take in getting my life together.

Quitting smoking is great but there is more to be done.

There is always more to be done.

Food truck fest in Anoka tomorrow.

Something to look forward to.

Not to mention that I love downtown Anoka.

I really don’t feel good today; emotionally or physically but I’m gonna press forward.

I’m going to be a little under budget this week because of my brakes but I’m pretty sure I can make it up elsewhere before rent.

Ight…gots to go.

Things at work just got cray cray but it’s not my problem, I’m just the messenger and I’m waiting on direction for this.

No Defeat.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My People

 

Good Morning Loves,

How are you all doing? I hope this finds you well.

Me? Take some guesses? Tired? Nailed it. Sick of pooping all the time? Yup, you got it. Stressed out and worried? Probably so.

LOL, but I really don’t want this to be a downer.

I am officially an employee of the company I’ve been working for. It was my 90 days yesterday. I got a raise, which I’m grateful for even if I’m still way under what I’m accustomed to making.

In 9 months, I’ll qualify for profit sharing, which is given out every quarter. That will help too and maybe I’ll get another raise at my year mark.

I just know for now, I like this job and I don’t want to go through the applying and interviewing and feeling worthless process.

I like the people I work with, they are funny, they work hard and they care for one another. There is no shortage of the “F-inheimer” and smart ass comments, etc. Like, these are my people.

And I find I don’t want to give that up.

I have really surprised myself these last two years or so with the whole job thing. You know, sticking out the job last year…the one I was laid off from. And then…you know, that horrid job, that truly horrid job…I stuck with that one too but I do think it was the Universe that took of me and led me to this job.

I feel valued here. It makes me feel happy, it makes me feel wanted. I have that in my personal life with my family and the friends I am so lucky to have in my life but it’s nice to have this at work on some level. It’s not all mushy, gushy, love, love, I don’t mean that. It’s just a good match for me.

I am going to keep applying for jobs but we’re talking jobs I probably won’t ever get. Jobs that pay skyhigh. I am not going to leave this company for one or two dollars more. That’s stupid when I have job satisfaction.

We’re talking it would have to be about 6.5 more bucks an hour and then only if the company seems decent.

So.

There’s that.

The next piece of this puzzle is the bankruptcy. I’m hoping to get the medical bills soon so I can put them on the bankruptcy.

And then file, file, file.

This has to happen.

Two weeks no smoking as of yesterday. Now we are gonna deal with exercise, food and weight loss.

I’m going to have to eat more than I’m used to but it’s also going to be super healthy and very protein first focused.

So….yeah. NEXT!!!!

Bankruptcy, food and exercise.

I did have a breathing episode again this morning though not as bad as the one I had that I went to the ER originally for.

I need to do that the stupid thing they sent me. It’s like a 14 day monitor thingee. I’m so sick of more “stuff”.

More “stuff” can bite me. Whatever.

Got it.

Have a great day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Swimming After Dark

 

Hey Loves,

Finally. I’m good in the morning. I slept in, said fuck all that and got up last minute, fed the cats, got dressed and got ready for work once I was at work, lol. We’re talking 3 or 4 quick bronzer and mascara applied. Still need to brush me hairs.

I had fun last night. The kind of fun I used to have. My daughter and I went out and about and when we got home, it was only 8:30 and in MN, that means it’s starting to get dark now and the pool was open but no one was in it, so we just jumped in…clothes and all and we swam for almost an hour. We talked  and cracked up and had a great time.

Had to run to get into our apartment because we were soaked and dripping everywhere not to mention how COLD it was.

It was fun. Something tight in me unwound itself a bit.

I had insane dreams again, God so many colorful dreams lately; vibrant blues, extreme oranges and gorgeous reds.

My dreams are weird and some of them bother me but they’re not horrible and I saw Momma last night. She came through so clear. It was funny though because she was in bed and got up and she had this beautiful silk nightgown set. The nightgown was pink but the robe was the star of this particular show; it was red and went down to hear feet. It flared at the bottom and then had a tie just above the waist.

It was the kind of thing mom never wore.

Red is the color of living, of passion, of anger, of love and of the heart.

When colors or symbols have multiple meanings in dreams, I apply those that fit best with the context of the dream. It was mom. Her favorite color was red, she loved it.

I feel like it was encouragement and love she was sending but also acknowledging the recent scare I had…whatever that was…with my heart.

So…today is two weeks without a cig.

Had you told me two weeks ago, that this was it, I wouldn’t have believed you. I wanted it to be so but I just couldn’t do it and it really is my boss. She flipped out hard core but I mean, it was loving and honest and raw. Like…no motherfucker, it’s now or never. I had it in my mind that it had to be at night and that I would smoke that last one, like you know, romanticizing the break-up.

You know how many fucking times I did that? Didn’t work, did it?

So I guess this was the way, when I truly had no say or no words to fight back with or excuses to make that made sense…no arguments in favor of continuing.

Honestly, the next piece is to start eating healthy, and exercising. It has to be.

I’m taking all the supplements I want to be taking.

I take a multi plus iron every day. I take calcium every day. I take fish oil every day. Of course, I take the omeprazole, which I hate but I have to. I’m in horrid pain without it.

At night, I take magnesium. I take it every night but I switch off between Magnesium Glycinate (chelated and absorbs better) and Magnesium L-Threanate (is the only magnesium capable of crossing the blood brain barrier and has shown great promise at fighting off dementia). The L-Threanate is really important to me because the Omeprazole has been linked to attributing to dementia when used long term. Like I said, I can’t go without that shit. Pain. Horrid, horrid pain if I skip it, although with better eating, I may be able to go down to every other day.

And both magnesiums are the only thing that have ever worked for my sleep, other than Xanax. I would gladly take Xanax for the rest of my life if the fuckers would let me. I’ll be honest, at my age, I don’t care about addiction or needing more over time because quality of life and longevity of life are different now than if I were 20 years younger. I need sleep.

So the fact that I found some non-addictive that works is amazing.

So my bank got bought by another bank and I need to fix everything tonight so that payments that go through automatically are not affected.

Man.

The apartment is in shambles. God it happens fast.

So tonight…just to get caught up on some basics, maybe swim again because that actually was wonderful.

What great exercise too.

We do have a local pool by us for when the winter hits and I may commit to going once a month but wouldn’t be able to afford to go often as I’d need a membership and I want to go back to Planet Fitness because their highest level membership is only $24.99 a month. Count me in.

I just think that’s the next best step, the exercise and diet piece and diet meaning how and what goes into my mouth…a healthy lifestyle as opposed to some whackadoo diet.

Once that’s in place, we shall move on to the next thing. I can’t handle trying to attack this all at once. It’s creating this lethargic monster that I don’t recognize and I don’t like.

Anyways, that’s where things are at, at the moment.

My Auntie is coming last weekend of August.

I want to do something every flipping weekend. It can be something free, something local, I just want to be out and in the thick of it.

On the last weekend of every month, I’m gonna go incognito. I’m not gonna take phone calls, I’m not gonna drive my kid to work, I’m gonna stay home and read and take bougie bath and give myself a pedicure. I’m going to cook something decadent and eat the shit out of it.

Life is meant to be enjoyed, although I have finally come to a place of acceptance, that some things can be enjoyed in moderation and some things, like smoking, are not good at all. My drug of choice was not good at all either. Alcohol depends on the drinker. But you see my point, regardless of whether it’s something that is totally destructive or something that you just really enjoy, moderation is required.

So moderation is a thing for me. It has to be.

Words like moderation, consistency, resilience, adaptability, focus and communication (letting people know this is important to me and asking it to be honored even if they don’t understand it or it’s not convenient for them).

That’s where we’re at right now.

So, two weeks in on the non-smoking, 90 days at my job, and now on to eating and exercise.

The financial piece? I have to get help. I know who I’m gonna ask and this sucks but it fucking is what it is.

That stress will be gone relatively quickly if I can just file the damn bankruptcy. Some are getting on my ass about filing and it’s frustrating because I can’t make money appear out of my ass.

I am really trying now. I am.

But I can’t pull money out of the air…or trees, unless you know, you believe in miracles, which I do to an extent and believe me, I’ve put my requests in…just waitin’ to hear back and on them miracles.

Alright, I’m out.

Good catch up?

I hope you have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Defeat

 

Good Morning!

Well, another lazy weekend in the bag but I did get up and do some things yesterday. Not much, mind you but some.

Some is better than none.

I'm just so overwhelmed.

I know you all know that. It's just hard. I couldn't afford my meds so I'm off those again. Cold turkey, which is OK for smoking but not for meds.

Oh well, this is my life now, this is what it's become. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I know it sounds like that, I just...I'm just defeated.

For today anyways. I just want to break down and cry. I am breaking down and crying.

Feeling this way sucks but feeling it allows for all the good feels when they do come.

I had a ton to do this morning so I'm running out of time and need to get ready for work so off I go.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Not a Happy Camper

 

Good Morning!

How is everyone? I am so glad that it’s Thursday, although I’d happily take Friday. Ah, tomorrow then.

So. We’re gonna go into poop graphics here. Poop and farts.

I started taking electrolytes in the morning. I add a packet to my water.

Since about day 2, I now shit all day long. It’s soft and impossible to get fully clean without a wipe made for this kind of thing.

I also start farting, usually around noon. They reek and they are constant and there is no controlling them.

Last night, I was up vomiting and shitting until about midnight. I had no other symptoms, just all this pooping and farting the last few days. I’m blaming the electrolytes

So I read up on these electrolytes and the consensus is not to use them as a daily supplement. It’s much better to use them in times of absolute need, like being in a dehydration state.

See, I’m already taking magnesium at night.

Here are the symptoms of too much magnesium electrolytes:

Nutritional and Additive Drawbacks

• High sugar: Many standard sports drinks carry large amounts of added sugars which can lead to weight gain or dental issues.
• Extra calories: Unneeded caloric intake from daily use can contribute to obesity.
• Artificial ingredients: Powders and premade bottles often contain artificial dyes, flavors, and sweeteners. 

Health Risks of Overconsumption

• High sodium: Too much sodium can raise blood pressure and cause fluid retention. 
• Electrolyte overload: Excess minerals like potassium or sodium can trigger nausea, fatigue, confusion, and dangerous heart rhythm issues. 

www.heart.org +1

• Kidney strain: Healthy kidneys flush out extra minerals, but overdoing supplements forces the body to work harder and poses risks for people with pre-existing kidney disease. 

 The mayo says people are better off getting their electrolytes from plain water and diet. I switch off at night between Magnesium Glycinate and Magnesium L-Threanate. Each contain about half the recommended daily dose for women my age. That’s because I know that I get enough regular magnesium from food.

So…yeah, electrolytes are excellent for you if you are dehydrated, after participating in an intense sports event or when you have been very ill with continued diarrhea and vomiting.

In my case, I am positive that the electrolytes have been the singular cause of my woes this last week as I started on them the same day I quit smoking.

And it was within two days that all this crapping and farting and weirdness started. So, yeah, goodbye electrolytes.

You no good for me.

Bad relationship, I break up with you now while things not to complicated.

Ok you know damn right.

Alright, so now that we have shit and farts out of the way…how about we throw money in, because you know…money.

Ugh.

My brakes are grinding and slicing and the whole bit. I had no choice but to drive the car to work today. I have no back up and I have $0 dollars in my checking account. In fact, I’m under a couple bucks.

I realize all the things;

I realize I shouldn’t drive the damn car

I realize that driving the car will only make the brakes worse

I realize that I have no control over these things so I should just fucking accept it

Well…here’s the thing about acceptance; yeah, accept what you have no control over but it doesn’t mean you have to fucking eat it and ask for seconds.

I am so over all of this and I was up last night and I just sobbed. I mean, my neighbors must’ve heard me, it was like 2AM or so and I gave no fucks. My daughter wasn’t home so I just sobbed.

And here I am at work, I made it safely. My brakes didn’t give out.

I’m in a mood.

Fuck the regime, Fuck the 1%, Fuck Everything that doesn’t involve me being able to live comfortably and not be a burden to the people I love.

Yeah, fuck ‘em all.

Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

One Week, No Smokey Smokey

 

Hello Luvs,

This blogging thing and my morning sleep have been awful.

You know, in general, my actual amount of time asleep is so much better (with last night definitely being an exception to that), but even so, I do not want to get up in the morning.

One week not smoking.

Not gonna lie, it's been both easy and hard. What's hard is when my brain wants to act like a little kid and scream FUCK YOU at myself, I WANT A CIGARETTE. 

Those moments when they come, are intense and I almost always decide to smoke, except that I don't.

I'm already breathing easier. I love not smelling like a stink machine. I love watching my bank account stabilize, although now my fucking brakes went out.

I have to tell you that I really am over all this money shit.

I am over it.

I am tired of struggling and being scared all the time, I am tired of not being able to save money for events like my brakes going yet again. I go through brakes like an addict goes through crack. I'm not sure what that's all about. I honestly do not stomp on my brakes, I think it might be the faery thing, I really do.

People always nod and try to humor me when I talk about the fact that some of the members of my mother's side of the family have "faery blood."

I'm telling you it's true.

Anyways, how much more shit and how much more money that I don't have, am I going to continue to contend with?

Perhaps...just perhaps, Dear God, or whatever you are...could we stop slinging shit at Denise?

Like...seriously....stop.

That which does not kill us...can kill us.

I'm pissed off today.

I'm scared and overwhelmed and annoyed.

Alright, well, this is the first time I signed on to my account at work and I need to sign off asap. I don't want anyone seeing this blog, I'm just sick of not having enough time to post in the morning.

I finally achieved 800 subscribers on YouTube and just this morning, surpassed that.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Not Sure What’s Up

Good Morning Loves,

I am trying to bring back the blog. I just haven’t been feelin’ it.

I missed a lot. Meaning missed writing about a lot.

I was in the hospital for a very short stay. We don’t know for sure what exactly happened. The general consensus seems to be that it was a panic attack but that something definitely was up with my heart at the time of the attack. The EKG readout looked dyslexic.

No further episodes but clearly it is also time to quit smoking, time to start drinking enough fluids, time to eat healthier, to exercise, etc.

So I quit smoking. I have two bosses invited loved in this scenario and they will not take no for an answer. There really and truly is no try here. Yoda was right. There is only do.

So I did it and I’m doing it and sometimes it sucks so bad but mostly, I’m handling it.

Yesterday, I made all my food for the week. I am very proud of that.

I have lists for every evening this week. That’s what I’m going for in addition to maintaining cessation of smoking.

Next week, we’ll be adding more in to the mix but a step at a time, yo.

Slow & Steady wins the race.

My sleep is like something out of a dream. I do indeed sleep now and I cannot recommend magnesium glycinate enough.

I did get some magnesium L-Threanate which is the magnesium able to cross the blood brain barrier because they say it helps with focus and the aging brain. 

Yes. So. This week, at least Monday through Friday:

Continue cessation of smoking

Eat healthy

Evening Schedule

The evening schedule includes things like exercise, cleaning, projects and a few other things, which I’ll share in a long form video or here if I actually follow through!!

That’s it, that’s all, that’s all I write about that.

Yeah, I’m sorry, I’m super tired. All of the sudden, wanting to sleep at my desk.

Better go and at least stand up for a bit.

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie