Can’t Do It

Ok, ok.

It’s hard for me not to write out all the shit that goes through my head.

Yes, part of me does wish I would just have a massive heart attack and die.

Let’s just put that out there. 

Because there is no end in sight.

And I can’t go on like this. This constant torrential pouring down of shit. One thing after another.

How do you get through it? Especially with solutions when there don’t seem to be any?

I feel like I can only take so much.

I’m wanting to quit this job. I’m wanting to pack up my Grey and just go, leave everything else behind.

But where? I have 800 dollars to my name and that goes for rent. I’m behind on the electric bill too so…

I’ve been running the air a lot because I’m so sensitive to the heat and we’ve got a week of this shit ahead of us.

Being overweight again doesn’t help with that.

I’m so uncomfortable.

The puppy was so heartfelt and welcome but this is so hard. At least when you have a baby, they can’t go anywhere and they only poop in their diaper, not all over.

I got in way over my head with this and I feel like such a failure.

Then there’s me; my weight, the IBS. I joke about poop all the time but it’s taking a toll. I feel dirty all the time. And yes, I’ve tried so many different things to see if anything will help and the only thing that does, is not eating at all.

And I think because of all the stress, my cortisol levels must be through the roof because I’ve developed this B.O., it’s a bad smell. It’s not always here but if I don’t shower twice a day, you can smell it. I don’t like this.

My clothes don’t fit. I feel so ugly. 

You have no idea how this self loathing feels to carry.

The cats are so upset about the puppy, we are so out of whack.

You guys, there is nothing to look forwards to for me. That spark is just gone. I am a boring, sad, fat, frumpy ugster. If this is going to be my life, I want out.

I just want out.

I know it’s scary to read this but think of it this way; if I had cancer and was suffering and I chose to end it, you all would understand but I am in pain, it’s just a different kind. And I fear it’s terminal. There is nothing joy. There is no hope.

Hang in there is not a good thing to say to me right now. Hang in there until what? I lose everything? These problems aren’t going away.

You have to understand too that I believe there is something beautiful beyond all this.

And if I’m wrong and there’s nothing…at least all this struggle ends.

Someone said to my daughter the other night that no one seems to be taking something seriously. Understand that no one takes seriously the depths that I’ve sunk to either. I don’t know if I can make it back up to breathe anymore. I might’ve sunk to far.

You see, it’s not just one thing, it’s many, many things.

I have nothing left in me.

Nothing.

I want Mom and Dad. If there really is something after this, and they are there, I just want to be with them.

I feel nothing good. I feel empty but full of just failure and grief too.

Mental health shit is real. It’s real and it’s hard but when you add to that a life that keeps throwing shit at you, well that’s hard too.

I think I’m going to clean my apartment and start throwing all the supplies for my products away. 

It’s never going to happen. Good things happen to me but never lasting things. Less for my family to have to do.

You all have to trust that relief looks different for everyone.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better. Maybe not.

But I do know I can’t sit here on my stupid phone all day wondering how I’ll get to work tomorrow.

If I can’t get there tomorrow, I’ll quit. My boss doesn’t deserve this either.

So…I mean that’s my truth and that’s where I’m at.

I won’t post this one on my page. To many people will freak out.