Marching

 

Oh Man…Good Morning!

Life marches on, does it not

People we used to know go on with their lives and we go on with ours and life marches on.

Until it doesn’t.

Death is a weird, weird thing.

Yesterday, I was perusing FaceBook as I often do and there it was, in black and white.

Shawn is gone.

And we all knew it would come, but when it does, it still blows you away, brings up memories, brings up feelings you weren’t prepared to feel, makes you wish things could’ve been different.

One of my biggest regrets has always been how I treated the people I used drugs with when I was “out there.”

I viewed them as less then. I may have not let myself think that but it’s how I behaved.

They were good enough for me to be around when I wanted to use, they were a means to an end but when I was done, I was done with them too, cast them aside only to pick them up when the urge came upon me again.

I know that in many ways, it was a survival tactic to me. I didn’t want to end up where they were, ya know? I never wanted to be homeless, let alone OK with it.

I never wanted to be filthy and have no access to a shower. I never wanted to go hungry.

And I suppose part of it was an ego thing. Here comes Denise and with her comes money and a willingness to share.

They viewed me as their friend but when I was done, I couldn’t wait to get away from them.

Shawn was, at the time I met him, my daughters’ father’s best friend.

And oh man, the shenanigans I could write about.

In the midst of the pain and chaos my drug use created, there were times that were so fun and so funny.

And that’s what I’m choosing to remember and really the only way I can honor Shawn.

He had his dark side and it was violent and scary and frustrating. It pushed us away from him but he had a funny side too. I can’t tell you all of the stories. But he was hilarious. He was a host, he loved cooking for people and joking and laughing.

I’m glad I knew him, I’m glad he’s a part of my story.

In talking with his sister last night, I found out that he was able to spend some time with my girls’ dad.

Their dad…what can I say? He is no longer homeless but he’s still drinking. I don’t know if he used drugs anymore, it’s been so so long since we’ve had contact and I don’t desire contact. He’s another one that you hope will get his life together but you know he probably won’t. Part of me is surprised that Shawn went before him but…at any rate, I’ll have much to deal with on that front too when he’s gone but um…they spent some time together drinking. And I’m glad they had that, I don’t know why but it does my heart good to know they had some time together.

I feel like that’s right.

One thing about me is that over the years, I have met people with such big pain; trauma, etc.

And I just…now…I try to find the ways in which we are alike as opposed to noticing how we are different and passing judgement. I hold the stories of those willing to tell them.

We are all  these little bright lights and our time here is so brief. We should honor the light I guess.

I’m not saying ignore bad behavior, I’m not saying let people take advantage of you or be cruel, abusive, whatever. No. You have to protect you and yours but just…honor the light that was there, if nothing  else as a potential unmet in this lifetime.

Addiction doesn’t give a shit who you are, if you were born into  money or poverty, it doesn’t care if you’re a nice person or an evil one, it doesn’t give one flying fuck about karma or family curses, it doesn’t care if you have pre-existing mental health issues or not, doesn’t care about your family or loved ones…it’s all powerful.

Shawn, I know you looked out for me more than once. You definitely made me laugh more than once. I will never see someone do the “moonwalk” without thinking about how you did the moonwalk, your take on it so to speak.

So funny.

Rest well. Heal brother.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie