OK,
I have limited time and I am going to try and write out a
second post for today that sortof updates people on where things are at and
what has led me to where I am.
So, first and most obvious, is that I have always struggled
with laziness and what AA refers to as the “easier, softer way.”
Pushing myself, challenging myself, these things are foreign
to me.
I am going to try and not go to a place of self-bashing but
it’ll be hard.
My past includes things like poor choices, impulsive choices,
irresponsibility, addiction, obsession with certain things…a crushingly low
self-esteem.
I am going to stay away from specifics because I am in a
very precarious place right now and I really need to try and keep myself from
falling further.
Mom’s illness took a toll on me. I was thrust into the
position of responsibility with no practice at it.
And everyday with that beautiful human, I saw her lose a bit
more of herself. Each day was her new best and her new best was a little best
than the best the day before.
I was working part time at that time but had to give it up
when her needs became greater and she was still living on her own.
I just couldn’t do it.
You see, I don’t deal well with stress well either, nor
change.
And Mom couldn’t help what was happening to her so when I
say I was deeply resentful, it wasn’t at her. It was at life. Here was someone
who had lived well into her late 90s, independently, the rock and center of our
family and you know, if you know the story there, she fucking saved my
sister and I. She had her own son, my lovely Paulness (he’s my half uncle but I’ve
always considered him to be my brother) but when she took Stace and I in, she
did it with all her heart and she never treated us as anything but her
own. We were not less than Paul, we were equal to.
So this woman gave everything to us and to her grandchildren
and again, she was so independent…I did not see this coming and I was mad at
the world for this. She didn’t deserve this.
And I guess it was roughly a 2-3 year process.
None of it was easy, none of it was kind. It was the hardest
thing I’d ever gone through.
And in caring for her, I made mistakes. I am imperfect. But
here’s the thing with that too; I will always admit my mistakes but I rarely
learn from them, I use them instead to bash myself. I have a whole storage
building full of my mistakes. They are not categorized, they just show up when
they want to and they kick my ass.
Now, I never neglected mom, I never hurt her. It was more
like impatience from time to time and arguing with her when I didn’t need to.
She had dementia and it didn’t matter if I corrected her, she was going to
believe what she believed.
So things like that; being tired in the mornings but having
to get up before she did, to make sure she’d be safe and getting her coffee and
cinnamon roll ready.
I did eventually have to put locks on the fridge, on the stove
and the microwave, not to withhold from her, I made sure she got whatever she
requested but if allowed to her own devices, there were spills, there were
things left out, things burned in the microwave.
In order to keep her with
me and to keep her safe, these things were necessary but they were devastating.
I’m not pointing fingers anymore but I will say that I felt
incredibly alone in that whole process.
My two besties, Lisa and Erin? I am so grateful for them. I
rarely went without a call from one of them, they were so worried.
They didn’t blow off my experience as me over-dramatizing
things, they held space for me.
Even so, like I said, this process was to much for someone
to bear alone.
If a stranger reads this, or a friend who is facing this…please
be informed before you make decisions for your parents. Please be honest with
yourselves about who you are and know what kind of mental health support you
are likely to have.
Will others in the family help you?
You need to know all of this.
I romanticized this because it was my chance to give back to
the one person in this world who truly loved me unconditionally. Or maybe…the
first. My kids, despite all I put them through, they love me.
Ok, so when mom died, I did get some money and I paid off
all my debt.
Literally.
I was debt free.
And I don’t remember the full way things played out from
that point on but I got it in my head that I had to move, that I was ready and
with the move came new furniture because I didn’t have any. I even gave one
table I had ordered away because it didn’t match my living room set.
I bought a new one!
My daughter got married and of course, I was not going to
not be there…take out a loan Denise.
It was a small loan but even so…
So yeah, this is going on, we move and I get “stuff” for the
apartment and then I quit my job and that’s where this current state of affairs
stems from, although like I said certain well established patterns have brought
me to this place.
So I take out another loan to cover things, I try doing temp
work out of desperation because COVID ruined this country and now good
old 47 is killing us all.
That’s a whole nother source of stress I have been able to
put aside. I let the people who are able to do something about it…try and do
it.
I am one person.
But I still hear things and I know that part of what
I’m experiencing and what he’s done to our economy.
I digress.
I start getting credit cards. I get a few temp jobs and I’m
able to keep making payments on my debt, which increased exponentially. I could
never pay rent because of all the debt payment and people, namely two people
and one surprise person once, helped me. I’m talking about 2 years ago at this
point because I did receive help within the past two days and we’ll get there.
I don’t know how to explain survival mode. You have to have
been in it in one form or the other.
The stress and what it does to your body, not to mention the
guilt I felt at constantly needing help.
So lets stop there and talk about shame. Shame is different
than guilt. Guilt is something you feel when you’ve done something wrong and
shame is about who you are. You are wrong, you are bad, you are
unworthy of happiness, joy, etc.
I have never not known shame. Since I was a tiny little girl…shame.
I never felt a part of, I always felt different. I always
felt less than. I felt this with my appearance, I felt this in comparison to my
friends, I felt this educationally, I felt this in my jobs and as a mother. I
felt this with men and my various lovers. While from the outside, I looked like
a free spirit sexually, you have to know that I have shame over that too.
Shame.
So I’m trying to find a job, the struggle to keep up with
the debt, pay the bills and the rent is mounting. I find a job, but it’s
seasonal.
I went through hell at that job but I did it. I made it
through until we were laid off, but still struggling financially because of the
debt.
The elephant in the room is much tinier than an elephant. It’s
the exact size of…a cigarette!
I can’t afford that shit physically, financially and it too
causes me shame.
Smoke free where I live so I have to go out to my car and I
sit there smoking and my neighbors come and go and still I sit there smoking. I’m
the smoking girl.
And man do I struggle with letting this one go.
I have stopped buying impulsively, that is long gone but
still…the smoking.
I have given up having new things or even feeling like I
might deserve them from time to time; one extreme to the other with this but
one must admit that while one is struggling financially, you just suck it up
and deal with it.
Still…the smoking.
So I’m laid off last November, which throws me right back
into chaos and needing help and in May, I got this job.
I got a job that pays me lower than anything I’ve ever made
before. It’s humiliating telling people what I make, it’s barely over minimum
wage. It’s barely over McDonalds.
And so, the decision to let the debt go and to file
bankruptcy.
But here’s the thing. I only make enough to pay my bills, you
cannot magically create money from nothing or from where there is none to begin
with.
Even quitting smoking for the 3 weeks made a difference but it
just gave me wiggle room, no room to save for the attorney, that’s for sure.
People say, “I’m sorry” and that’s nice, it is, but it doesn’t
help. People want to help but a person can only give so much and I understand
that.
I’m not…like I don’t expect people to just give up their
hard earned money.
And people have helped all my life and by the time I finally
figured out I really have to do the work, I guess I feel like now I’m being
punished for wanting to heal these things and fix them. I’m not…I have no
answers.
You live each day knowing even worse is coming and not
knowing how to get what you need to fix these very things.
I can only do the work of not being impulsive, of budgeting
but again…I have what I am paid and no more.
It’s this futility.
Why not apply for another job? Well my ass certainly needs
to apply but let’s talk for a minute about all the things I hate about me.
Because this inner voice reigns supreme and it is paralyzing me to a point it
never has before.
·
I’m old
·
I look old
·
I’m fat
·
I dress frumpy now because I can’t afford clothes
·
My clothes don’t fit because I got fat again and
I can’t afford clothes that fit
·
My hair got really thin and it makes me look
stupid, plus I can’t afford to get it done so I have my Pennywise the Clown
tufts of gray hair poking out from just next to my ears. Like sideburns, only
great puffs of gray. The only difference between Pennywise and me is that I don’t
eat small children.
·
I will never achieve my dreams, time to give
them all up
·
I’m ugly
·
I have lipodema and cannot afford the surgery to
fix it so my calves are ginormous.
·
Since menopause I feel like I smell weird, like
old, it’s gross
·
I stick to nothing
o
Quitting smoking
o
Exercising
o
A schedule
·
I’m lazy
·
My apartment, despite my best efforts is
cluttered and so small, I give up on a daily basis, trying to get it clean and
organized but this apartment will never be organized because even a
snail couldn’t live here comfortably
·
I’m dumb
·
I could never get a good job, so why try
·
I’m not as good as other people
·
I have dermatillomania (chronic, uncontrollable
skin picking, it’s an OCD/Anxiety disorder with a very low cure rate). It has disfigured
me, though for the most part I’m able to hide what I do and only recently have
started at my face. More shame!! Woot woot.
·
I have IBS and let me just say that the diarrhea
I’ve dealt with on a daily basis for years has taken on a new life and I…I have
no words. I suspect it’s the magnesium I take but I did not sleep for years it
made me crazy and it made healing anything impossible, whether physical
or mental so I’m not giving up the magnesium glycinate or L-Threanate. But
farts just come out of me, they just come out of me now, doesn’t matter where I
am…pfffft, machine gun, all of ‘em, no warning, I just fart. I worry that I
stink like poop
·
I can’t help my kids when they are in need, what
kindof worthless fuck can’t help her children?
My friend said to me the other day, would you say these
things to me? No. What would you do if I said these things to myself? Slap you
and tell you to stop that.
So why is it ok for me to live in this constant state of I’m
not good enough but be upset if my friends were living like this?
Why don’t I deserve to love myself and believe in myself and
try to pursue my dreams?
The answer is I don’t fucking know man.
This is just how it has always been.
Now.
I did get help and I was not expecting it all.
But first let’s go over the past few weeks because in spite
of all of this, I have been maintaining up until very, very recently. Maybe not
in a healthy manner but maintaining…you know?
There were some deaths. My brakes went out.
Ok, death is inevitable, right? Brakes go out, right?
Brakes got fixed but I did have to use rent money to get the
parts. My son in law did them for me and didn’t charge me for service. Where do
you come up with $200 dollars you simply do not have?
Where?
You see why I feel helpless, even though I despise feeling
helpless. My ego and my shame tell me, “you are Denise Motherfucking Johnson”,
get it together tough one.
Where do you get money you don’t have when that is what you
need?
Well I will say this.
In speaking with above-mentioned friend, she also helped me
prioritize some things.
The first thing is just getting to work this week; my car
will be fixed.
And today, the next thing is happening. And you wanna talk
shame? I’m going to be very, very honest here but withhold part of the story
because shaming others is not something I’m into and the person has no reason
to feel shame anyways. He made an impulsive decision, one that I condoned by
the way and it led to major consequences.
There was a puppy purchased. And then this person’s
situation changed immediately, like literally overnight and I took the puppy
for a few days and fell in love with it and then the person said in all honesty
(again, I respect this) that because of the major changes, he couldn’t
take care of the puppy so here I am and I have major borderline
personality disorder brought on by early childhood abandonment and I’m supposed
to get rid of the dog? I’m supposed to let him go, even though it’s for
the best?
He’s been with us for almost two weeks and I now know I can’t
do it, I can’t care for a puppy. I’m so exhausted.
This for me, will haunt me for the rest of my life, even if
it is for the best. You don’t take on an animal and let it fall in love with
you and then just…get rid of it.
I know the fucking arguments. It’s better for the dog, it’s
better for me. I have a disorder that wants me dead but will settle for me as
fucked up as possible and the biggest no-no in my life is abandonment. I am trying
to believe what other people are saying but they are up against a
malformation in my brain (you can look that shit up, it’s sortof like being
born with a traumatic brain injury) and the NUMBER ONE TRIGGER for it to just
kick in and ruin a person’s life is…abandonment. Because of what I went through
when I was little and honestly continued to go through with how I was treated
by certain individuals while growing up, I cannot abandon people. It’s why I
couldn’t give my son up for adoption all those years ago when everyone was
telling me to.
So yeah, it’s for the best, I get it but I will never, ever
forget this. I will never, ever be able to let it go or forgive myself and that
is borderline personality disorder at it’s finest in terms of self abuse.
And because it’s literally been one thing after another; a
relentless shitpour of fuckery, I lost my shit completely. I was finally
without any defense against bullshit.
So that’s today, ya know?
Now a miracle happened. I try not to blab my shit all over
FB anymore but I did it out of desperation.
I will NOT go into a mental health facility because I don’t
agree with the way they are run or the supposed help they give. It’s all
bandaid shit and they are usually horribly depressing places and they do not
differentiate between the violent mentally ill and the non-violent mentally ill.
And please here this: I HAVE NO INSURANCE and no, I don’t qualify
for shit. I’ve checked, please stop telling me to do that. My work has a great
plan, they really do but I CANNOT AFFORD IT AT MY CURRENT WAGE.
I am officially suicidal. I would prefer death and finally…a
blessed relief from the 58 years of turmoil, struggle and chaos that has been
as close to me as my own fingers.
I want out.
However, I am still at a holding on point, where I like…still
believe maybe something could happen and get better? Where the pain of
hurting my children and the people who love me, still outweighs the pain of me
finally giving in…yeah the kids matter more at this point. So does my cat.
So as facetious as that may sound, it is valid and I won’t
do it.
All that said, because of my post, people helped. I’m not
going to go into dollar amounts or names but…people helped.
Car is getting fixed Friday. Puppy is going today.
I am having to use some of the money to Uber to work as my
boss is as unsympathetic as they come and I can’t afford to lose another job.
I should still have enough to pay rent and pay for the car
to be fixed.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to those who have helped.
At the end of the day, I just need help financially to get
past these few last issues. I know what this will look like going forward and I’m
already applying for a different job inspite of how I feel about myself and my
prospects.
I still need a bit more, and it’ll either happen or it won’t.
Today, I’m OK.
So.
That’s where this all is and I have a lot to get through.
I despise organized religion and my faith is nature based…take
that as you will but I need to be doing more spiritual things and I need to be
taking care of myself and today…I’m north of the earth, I’m grateful for help.
I’m trying. I’m at work, my son is picking me up at 1 to get
the puppy situation accounted for and to do right by that precious little man.
My car will be fixed Friday night and rent will be paid on
Saturday.
So for the next 3 days, I’ll be uncomfortable but the basics
will be dealt with.
Thanks for reading.
Some of you have really given me hope and I’m grateful.
Neecie
Denise
Dumbshit
Whoever the fuck I am
