Another Day

Good Morning!

I did not get enough sleep. That has not been the norm so I’m feeling it. I might lay back down.

This morning, I feel like I just want out of my skin. 

This anxiety though.

Last night my Beast and I talked and then my friend Erin called and we talked.

I’m so proud of both of them. They work hard. 

I started watching The Testaments last night.

I know it’s just a show but it’s hard to watch just like its precursor.

I don’t really have to much to say today. I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed. I have no answers.

Just…another day to get through.

I hope you all have a great day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Mixed Messages

Good Morning!

It’s been hot in MN. I’m worried about the electric bill. But I can’t function in heat.

I’m just so glad it hasn’t been humid yet.

I learned more the last two days at work and I’m grateful for it because it’s QuickBooks and that makes my marketability go up.

I wish the pool here would open early so I could swim alone.

Good exercise. 

When I was working at the other place, I got some new jeans and they are too big. Y’girl has lost weight.

Anxiety and poverty will do that apparently.

I want to thank you all for reading this blog everyday. This is the first time ever that I’ve gone over 1000 hits in a month.

So what are my plans for the day? Apply, apply, apply. For something that pays a livable wage and for a part time job. Some exercise and clean the apartment. It’s awful.

Oh, and someone messaged me asking to meet me in Coon Rapids to buy two of my bath bombs.

So that too.

To try and stay off my phone.

Ok.

I’m tired but I also know I slept pretty good. I haven’t worn my Fitbit in over a month so I don’t know the quality of sleep. I’ve been getting but I do know it’s been better.

Yesterday, I closed my checking account and opened a new one. I had to do that so that the loan payment won’t go through. We still won’t make rent this month but at least that next step is done. I’m terrified they’re going to come get the car. Living in all these unknowns is just so scary and so exhausting. 

It makes me very sad.

I just have to go on though. I’m going to clean the car out today I guess as well so I better add that to the list. There’s really not anything that I want in the car but just to make sure.

I can’t think about this stuff for too long because I’m flabbergasted that I let it come to this. Like, what the fuck was I thinking?

Clearly, I wasn’t.

And now we begin the big climb out and just try to continue on.

I have one final meeting with an attorney on Wednesday after work and I’m pretty sure I’ll go with them. They are reputable. I’ve talked to three different attorneys and each time, the fee for the bankruptcy has gone up and I’m getting mixed messages about the car.

Nightmare stuff.

All right, well I hope you all have a great day. I hope it’s productive weather in things you need to get done or time spent with loved ones.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light, 

Neecie

Brings Back Ick

Oh my God, it’s Friday!

So sleeping seems to be a thing with me now. I’ve gone from very little to sleeping all the time.

Well…not at work.

I got paid today, which is great but I have to go open a new bank account after work to make sure that stupid loan payment doesn’t go through again.

When will this nightmare end?

Sooner than later motherfuckers. I am not referring to you as a motherfucker, I am referring to the parts of the Universe that are conspiring to force this current life lesson upon me.

Ugh.

Anyways.

I made it to work, sitting in my car because I’m early. Although not in any way a trigger, being in this neighborhood brings back ick.

It’s ok, I manage.

I try to look at it like yeah…I’ve traversed these roads before but I’m in a different vehicle (my mind), and although my mind can also be a scary neighborhood, I’m not who I was then.

I’m just here doing my best. My current best. My best can get better.

Alright, off at 3:30 today so yay for that.

I hope you have a good day. Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Messes

Good Morning!

How is everyone? I hope you are all good.

Me?

Meh.

Another day. Another day of stress and wondering how the fuck we’re gonna make it. I didn’t sleep 12 hours but I did go to bed early again.

I just can’t deal with anything, none of this.

My bed is my only happy place right now. My anxiety is with me constantly and it’s sits in my stomach, I can feel it there.

I wish I could have a job I don’t mind, like this current one but one that paid a living wage.

I’m without hope and it makes everything so much harder.

When I was still using, I would come back from a bender and the crushing remorse and shame was horrible. I feel like that all the time now and I’m not even using.

The shit show in my head just won’t turn off. My grandmother, her name was Lois, I never met her, but Dad shared with me that she struggled horribly with depression and even had to go into the hospital here in Minnesota and get electric shock treatments. Dad carried guilt about that. But I know what that’s like. It wasn’t his fault, just like it’s nobody else’s fault how I’m feeling.

Regardless of whether I get through this financial bullshit or not, something has to change within me.

I need help and I’m willing to get it but here again, circumstances have to change in order for me to do so.

There are things that make me happy. My children, my cats, my sister, my mom, and a few very good friends who I know, love me and care about me dearly.

It does mean something, I’m not so depressed that I can’t feel that.

But yeah, my apartment is a mess. My head is a mess. My life is a mess.

Welcome to the shit show.

Sorry for the Debbie downer post but, hey, at least I keep it real.

All right, well I better get ready for work. Another day, another not enough dollars.

I do hope you all have a good day.

I hope you are blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Quicksand

Hi Everyone,

Sigh. I slept for 11 hours last night.

What the actual?

All I know, is that when I got home, I was exhausted on all the levels. Physical, emotional, mental. 

I am not sure what that was about as I had a good day at work it wasn’t stressful.

I can’t continue to do this every night, but I do think it’s OK once in a while to say yes to myself and to take care of myself.

I am back to being despondent and feeling little to no hope. But at least I can see the beauty in the world and the beauty around me and I can feel the love that people have for me and that is something that I am still able to feel grateful for.

I really want to stay home today, but that is part of my pattern with jobs. I get overwhelmed by the apartment and the mess and I tell myself I’ll stay home and I’ll get it all done today, but the thing is, obviously I cannot do that anymore. That is one pattern that is no longer an option.

I am dressed, and I am ready to go to work and so that’s what I’m going to do and hopefully I can get some things done tonight.

I managed to clean the cat boxes this morning and that may sound very simple, but it is everything when you feel like everything you’re doing is like trudging through quicksand. 

My daughter was gone last night and so pumpkin came a couple times and she snuggled right up to me and was making biscuits on my face and kissing me and purring and I wish they could box that up so you could carry it with you all day, but I guess I’ll just put it in my heart and my memories and take it out if I need it.

Animals are the best.

I’m watching my Grey Grey clean herself and now she curled up. She doesn’t have a lot of energy anymore so she cleans herself laying down.

I’ve never seen a cat who cleans herself so much and it’s funny that as she slows down and has become elderly, that is the one constant with her is that she will continue to clean herself.

I love her so much.

All right, well I hope you all have a good day.

Go forth and conquer.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Noisy

Oh you Guys,

Here at work and questioning everything. It’s just awful.

I so wish the noise in my brain would just…stop.

Just for one day. What would it be like not to have this constant anxiety and racing thoughts. They race so fast, I can’t catch even one of them.

I don’t claim to understand what’s happening to me. I know it’s better to live in reality but it sucks.

There’s no way around that.

My older girl, Grey? I know I’ve written about my worries with her. This morning, when I got in the shower, she stood by the shower curtain and just yowled and yowled and yowled. She didn’t seem to be in pain and by the time I left for work, she was cuddled up to my daughter.

It makes me so sad. Each day, I wonder if tomorrow will be the day she leaves me. When I wake up early or in the middle of the night, I pet her to make sure she’s ok.

I won’t be able to afford to have anyone come to me to put her down. I’ll have to bring her in somewhere. Which will be stressful for her.

I can’t bear it.

Best not to think of such things until they are here.

It just fills me with dread.

Stop Denise. 

She’s safe and comfortable right now. See, my brain is able to fixate on negative 

My momma sent me something in the mail that will ease things up a bit but I don’t think I’m gonna make rent.

I can’t keep on doing this but I also know I have no choice.

Fuck.

Lord help me.

Lord knows I need it. Help I mean.

In all aspects of my life apparently.

Deep breath.

Alright, well I’m just sitting here at my desk and my anxiety is off the charts so I thought I’d write again.

Hope y’all are having a good morning!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Anxious

Good Morning!

I am feeling a little bit anxious this morning.

I had a bit of a scare with my daughter last night.

She came close to having heat stroke. I picked her up from work and her poor cheeks were red and she started puking. Luckily, she puked out the window and I also had her open the door to do it while we were at a stoplight.

She had a crushing headache as well. I looked up the symptoms and they had level of severity and the first is a core temp of 104, the last on the list was her symptoms. 

Her temp was normal as was her pulse but she vomited a couple times more.

She’s better this morning but that was scary. She works in a restaurant and they have no A/C in the kitchen. 

I didn’t have a good day. I’m starting to think that something is deeply wrong with me.

But I could be wrong.

My sister said when our bio dad died that she sees hummingbirds for him and I was on the couch yesterday and looked out the window and there was a little hummingbird. It was so random. 

But I felt like that was a visit. I’d been sobbing earlier, asking the Universe for help and then there he was.

So apparently, I have all 3 of them looking out for me; Mom, Dad and my bio dad, David.

Anyways, on I go.

Work today.

I’m not gonna have enough for rent. I did apply at a massage spa near me for an evening and every other Saturday position. We’ll see if I hear anything. Fingers crossed.

Where does the time go in the mornings?

On with it I guess.

I hope you have a good day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Passing Me By

Hola!!

I am going to have to force the issue here.

Fuckin’ A.

Get up and just do.

A friend of mine got a great job and she is encouraging me to apply. The thing is she has done things the right way and stuck with jobs from the past for a long, long time. She has a great working history. I do not. But it cannot mean don’t try. So I will try and I will have no expectations.

Regardless of pay, I do have a job to go to tomorrow and for that I am grateful.

But my life is passing me by.

And I need to fill it with the good stuff. At my celebration of life, I want people to say, “She really went for it.”

Not, “Well, she gave up and it’s sad.”

I don’t know. 

Ok. Well, I’m gonna grab a starting point and see where I land.

Each day is another chance to be productive, to make the good choices.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Summer is Here

Good Morning!

It’s gonna get warm. Today, summer is arriving in Minnesota.

Summers are hard for me for all the reasons, all stemming from the heat.

And of course, self esteem about my clubby arms, my huge calves.

But.

I spoke to a friend of mine, one of my dear friends, and she was talking about how she doesn’t care anymore and how she dresses nice and doesn’t worry about covering up what she used to feel insecure about.

I thought, yup, that’s amazing.

This friend and I hadn't spoken in over a year.

But we had a good talk, like we covered all the bases.

This friendship had a great foundation and I feel like sometimes, and we both agreed on this, that sometimes you need time away to work on yourself and the timing for reconnecting will show itself, which it did, and I’m just very happy to be back in each other’s lives.

So there’s your gratitude for yesterday and it’s a big one.

Other things happened yesterday that took the wind out of my sails so to speak and although I managed to get some good things done, after I dropped my daughter off at work, I laid down on the couch and slept for 5 hours. 5.

What the actual fuck?

I guess I needed it.

I feel like when I do fade out, I fade out quick.

That’s ok.

I’m just gonna jump in to today and go from there.

We have these 24 hour cycles of time and I have tomorrow too so I’ll do what I can.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Time of Beginning

Hello and Good Morning,

Ok. 3 days off dudes.

3.

Today is go from start to finish. Bottom line. Today is me getting myself as prepared as possible for the discomfort of making change.

It’s the start of me pushing the through the, “I don’t wanna’s.

It’s the start of me not giving into some of the, I wanna’s” and telling myself no.

It’s the start of tears and hard work.

One year from today I want to look back and take an honest inventory of how my life has changed.

And I want to make at least one dream come true; like the ultimate reward. I don’t care if life is life and it’s just something you have to deal with.

We all deserve to have to dreams come true. I know I have to be realistic.

But if we are making changes only because we feel we “have to”, and not bear the fruits of that, then why change at all?

Nope I have dreams. I’m holding them at arms length right now because now is not the time of fruition. Now is the time of beginning.

So here we go.

Let’s live!!

I’ll be back.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Processing

I’m back.

So I’m here alone until my boss comes in. I’m dreading it.

You guys know I write about this shit but I’ll never name the company or use people’s names. Can’t get sued, ya know?

I can deal with this. At least it’s not the constant heightened emotions I was dealing with this time last year.

I’ll talk about the training for this job in a video this weekend. In fact, my Neecie’s Many Musings will be on this exact topic.

It’s important. I can’t tell someone in an interview that I really struggle with the learning process. Honestly, I feel like the owner is on the employer to provide accurate training, training that takes all kinds of learners into account. Part of that is having, I feel, literally, SOP type instructions. Go through the SOP with the employee and then show them. No my boss did not have those kinds of instructions, rather they are written on pieces of paper and there’s additions and things on the side and for me, that is incredibly confusing. As I’ve been learning, and I am learning, there have been parts left out. That’s why documenting every step is so important. If a new step comes up, have it on the computer in a word document or a Google document so that it can be updated and print it out and put into a training manual. Once the employee, has had exposure to the process a number of times, it then makes sense to sit with the employee as they go through the instructions and understand it is going to take them more time at first. This gives them the opportunity to ask questions. And if the training is documented correctly, then this should not be a problem.

I do think there is a certain amount of arrogance and ego with people when it comes to training and that many people would tell you they feel that they are an adequate trainer, but the reality is most people are not. I consider myself to be a good trainer because I worked in training and education and helped to develop training documentation. I received training documentation for my position in that job and it is literally the only job I ever felt 100% successful in and empowered by. I would still be there if I had not been a stupid addict. My problems were at an all-time high then.

So…yeah, I’m definitely looking for a job that pays me what I’m worth but also that has a good PTO package, a good reputation and a good training program.

I do like my boss. She’s hardcore in many ways but has a very loving side as well. She just doesn’t take any shit.

Look, I have learning “things”, I don’t know if they qualify as disabilities or not. So we shall call them “things”. Multiple things. This gos beyond Thing One and Thing Two.

I have Things

Things You see

So many things

And they fuck with me

They fuck with me

They make things hard

These Things I speak of

Can suck my nards

I don’t have nards

One might point out

But you get it I’m sure

Of that I don’t doubt

Annnnnddddd….

That’s about all I can process at this time.

Have a good night y’all.

Sleep Well.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Oh My God...MOM!!!

 

Good Morning!

Oh my God, you guys. I made a big mistake yesterday and I am paying. I ate horrible food and too much of it.

I literally feel like I went out drinking last night. 

But I didn't.

Last night, the farting? Look, I go into more detail here than I do in my shorts, they were explosive and ungodly. My daughter came in my room and I moved the blanket and it released the secret that was happening beneath and yeah...my daughter was like, "oh my God, MOM." 

And now this morning, it's my stomach.

It's the pooping. Me bum hurts so bad both from the force of the all night fart show and then the pooping this morning.

I didn't sleep well.

Like, I am paying.

I'm going to write more about the job tomorrow.

I'm struggling and my boss is frustrated.

The good news is that I think she's gone today.

Thank God for small favors.

There's too much pressure right now and I'm hoping that without her breathing down my back today, I will be able to pay better attention and get things right.

I cried all night too.

I cried and I'm crying now.

I'm gonna be a real beaut when I go in today.

And on that note, I'd better go.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & LIght,

Neecie

Ch, Ch, Ch, Changes

Good Morning,

Ok, well another lazy night on the books. I got nothing.

Change.

Yes, change is needed. Change, change, change.

Blah blah blah.

Change is hard.

I just don’t seem to be able to cross that bridge. It feels like the bridge is the entire circumference of the earth.

It’s not though. My denial, my laziness, my negative self talk? It’s all a delusion I’ve created.

Change is possible but I’ve always said, you have to be prepared for, and to accept, a period of discomfort.

I have a huge case of the, “I don’t wanna’s” this morning. 

Absolutely huge.

But,”I’m gonna.”

I have never met anyone who continues to make the least amount of effort and still expects things to be ok.

Yikes.

There are going to be days like this, no doubt about it. On these days, you do the best you can.

Bottom line.

Alright, on with it then lassie.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Childhood Besties

Good Morning!!

Here I am; different day, same shitoka.

Except that I had some happy feels yesterday.

I met one of my two childhood besties for coffee. She bought some of my bath bombs. I’m so grateful but I’m also grateful for the friendship. We’ve seen each other through so many of life’s changes.

We got all caught up. It’s good to know that others can make it through hard things too and that we can be supportive of each other.

And there was some laughter too. I have always said I should write a book about the shenanigans that were my childhood. We had fun. And while there are many things about my past that I would love to be able to change, I would not change my childhood with her or Lisa. Because like I said, we had fun. We were complete and total little shits, but…again, the fun!!

After coffee, I ran home and picked up some more bath bombs and made a delivery to a customer who reached out on a Facebook post. I did not actually meet her face-to-face, she left payment at her door, and I dropped the bath bombs off there.

I’m so grateful because I can put that in the bank and know that some of this money came from me creating something, which is what I love to do.

I strive for gratitude in my life, you know having gratitude, and when it’s just the normal kind of cycle, it can be kind of hard, but this gave me something extra to be really grateful for.

The job is going ok. I’m slowly starting to “get” stuff. Learning is always the hardest part for me and I’m hoping the “click” with some of what I do, comes quickly.

So off I go to shower, shite and not shave.

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I hope your day is wonderful.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Feel Good

Hi Everyone,

Oh man. Just…oh man.

I felt so sick yesterday after eating my dinner. I did go to sleep on the couch and then went right to bed. I think I go in at least 9.5 hours of sleep and I do not feel good today. 

I can’t breathe.

Yikes.

I’m going to take a coolish shower. That sounds good.

Obviously, I will go to work.

The bankruptcy thing is fucking with me. I can’t get the attorney on the phone and I have questions; important ones and I’m working myself up about it.

I’ll try one more time and then I’ll make an appointment with someone else.

The good news is I’m selling bathbombs.

I posted them in marketplace, which got me no bites but then I posted them on a Twin Cities page and although no outright sales, I’ve got people interested.

So that’s amazing.

But…still not feeling so great.

The only way through is through.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and make the apartment clean.

Wow. So do not feel ok right now. I feel nauseous. I’m sad too. With that kind of sleep, who knows how many weird dreams I had. They could be lingering. 

And I mean, I’m depressed for sure. That hasn’t changed.

I’m meeting a friend to drop off bathbombs tonight. I’m excited about that.

Something to look forward to.

Ok. Well I’m going to try to clean as much as I can before getting ready for work.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Cool Temps

Good Morning!

Happy Monday.

I got up at 4. That wasn’t intended but I was up and I was a little anxious about the fact that I start earlier now. Just want to make sure I’m there on time.

I started cleaning out my closet. It’s a mess and I need to get it reorganized. I meditated and I did my breathing stuff. I made my protein shake and am drinking it down now. 

I’m relishing the temps right now because we are not yet having to have the air on.

As long as it’s 60 or under, I can put my fan in my window and it cools everything off. I need to get a fan fo the living room and my daughter’s room. Anything to avoid the air for as long as possible.

I’m gonna go ready in a minute and then any remaining time, I’m going to work on my closet and email the attorney to ask a question about having a co-signer.

That needs to happen this week.

It has to or we won’t make rent.

Not with that asshole loan payment coming out.

I have an errand to run this morning too so…

It doesn’t end, lol. There will come a time when I can slow down.

So my goals this week are to continue focusing on the now, to stay in gratitude as much as possible, to stay up until bedtime and get as much done in the time I have before bedtime.

One of those things includes exercise; nothing elaborate, just something so I’m building up all the strength being a slug through all of this.

Alright, well it’s already 5:30 so I guess I’d better move it.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Coincidences

Hello there,

I started this post yesterday. 

So one of the things I did last week was set up my checking account so no payments could through even if they were 1cents under but somehow my loan payment went through which means a ton of things are going to overdraft.

I want to freak out and I want to numb out somehow.

I want to feel sorry for myself so let’s just do that for a moment and get it over with. Why me? I’m fucking trying here. Is the Universe out to get me? Why can’t this be over? I’ve already acclimated to so much that goes against what I had hoped. Fuck.My.Life.

And now the solution. Suck it up buttercup. Don’t lay down, don’t stop what you’re trying to do today. Before this happened, I saw another cardinal. Believe. Have faith.

But stay firmly planted in reality.

Breath deep. Keep going. I do have some cash so I can get gas and garbage bags.

I need both.

Exercise is free.

Trump isn’t yet charging us for the air we breathe.

Ok. Yeah, keep going even if you have to cry through it.

Ok, now we are at today. I made it through yesterday. Things slowed down quite a bit for me but I did keep going and believe it or not, I did not let that ruin my day.

I got my bathroom and bedroom cleaned. I spent time with my oldest daughter. Those moments, time with my kids, I cherish.

You guys, I slept for 10 hours last night. Yes, I took the hydroxyzine.

But just...wow.

Today I'm gonna shoot for cleaning the rest of the apartment, for getting some food because someone who loves me sent me some $$ for this week.

I'm going to make a call today about getting an co-signer for the bankruptcy payment plan, It's luckily very small with no interest so I am hoping someone will say yes to doing that for me. This has to happen asap so the loan payments stop. I won't be able to pay rent with this.

I'm also going to apply for some more part time jobs.

And maybe dye my hair.

So much gray.

And my gray? Yeah, it's not beautiful.

Something weird happened today. A fellow tenant here where I live approached me about my smoking. He vapes. But he wanted to share how he switched over and how much less it costs...now, I won't go that route. I want to quit. I don't want to trade one expense for another even if it's less but that was very kind of him.

However, we had quite the chat and this guy? He's spooky smart with computers, websites, manufacturing, 3D printing and he told me...if I ever need customized molds for my bathbombs...he can make them for me.

You guys, it would be HUGE to have something that no one else has.

I'm not saying I'm going to jump in and offer him $$ to make something now but there are no coincidences. None.

I keep saying to Dad, show me. Show me this plan you had for me in the dream and I don't look away from anything now because I might miss something.

This is fucking huge.

Also, clearly, Dad was sending a message about smoking too.

I need to calm down though, because my mind is racing...of course my mind is racing; it's what it does.

So chill and let's get on with the day, shall we?

This week, my intentions are to find a co-signer, file the bankruptcy, get some small form of exercise everyday, work on my sleep and get the apartment cleaned and reorganized...again.

I did get rid of one bag of clothes yesterday and my daughter is having a little garage sale so I got some throw pillows to her for that sale...I had so many on my bed, it was ridiculous.

I want less now...I don't need probably 25% of the shit that is here.

Ok, I'm out for the day.

I hope you all have a great one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

What’s In Store

Hi Guys,

Ah! Saturday. I don’t sleep well. I’m ok though. Today will be busy.

Very busy but I have much I want to get done. I can’t change our $$ situation all at once but if I can get all I want to accomplish today done, then I’ll go into my work week ready.

And hopefully, that will include finding a part time job as well. I’m not thrilled about that but it is what it is.

I’m onboard.

In doing all of this today I know how I’ll wake up tomorrow, I know I’ll feel so much better and I’ll feel freed up to go out there and discover what the world has in store for me.

My sister came out yesterday. We had dinner and then she came over here and we watched a movie. My mind is still going, going, going and I struggled to focus on the movie but it was really, really good.

I highly suggest it. It’s called incredibly bright creatures.

Watch it now, thank me later.

Alright, well here we go with this day.

I wish you a brilliant one!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dusk to Dawn

Good Morning!

Friday. I will say this; one thing that is easy to be positive about today is that it’s Friday. When I’m not working, Fridays are hard for me because it’s the day that everybody’s excited about because the weekend is coming. But for me, it was just another day. So I am happy to be happy that it’s Friday.

That’s a great feeling.

I am still continuing to stay in the present because I don’t know, the last month or so, has been this running shit show of the past in my brain. I do have a brain that wants to self sabotage. I do have a brain that feels comfortable in chaos, even though I hate it.

The past is the past and yes, it went by like dusk to dawn.

But it’s gone, the past is gone. So when those thoughts come up, I have been telling myself, no. That is over, that is done. That is not who I am now.

Retraining, my brain to understand that I deserve good things and I deserve peace in my life is very, very difficult.

I really don’t want chaos.

This week was a good learning opportunity for me because I did go back to past patterns. I got home from work and did nothing all week, well, OK I did some things. But not a lot. And I went to bed so early and one thing about this hydroxyzine that I’m taking is that I have slept.

But next week I start at 7:30 in the morning as opposed to 930 and I really need to acclimate myself to being on a schedule. And into making some effort in the evenings.

I can’t sustain going to bed at five or 6 o’clock every night and being in bed for 12 hours.

My sister messaged me yesterday and I asked about her dog. I think I mentioned in a prior blog that she wasn’t doing so well. I honestly was filled with joy when she responded saying that she’s doing very well, meaning her dog. Little chatty girl.

Good news is good news and it’s another thing for me to feel positive about. This dog is just so sweet and I do feel bonded to her in spite of the fact that I don’t see her often.

When I look back over the last couple years, there really has been lost. My son‘s cat Maple, followed shortly by his dog trout. My sister lost her other dog, trickle. And the biggest one of all, being Mom.

But life goes on, doesn’t it? It’s weird being the elder now.

OK, well I think I just need to get through this day and try and do some things tonight and try and have a productive weekend and come up with a loose plan/schedule for next week so that I can start really trying to move forward.

Oh, so I work in a really bad neighborhood and yesterday, I saw a drug deal go down. My boss said that this guy cycles around the area every five weeks or so. He literally pulled up right in front of the window facing the street from my office and I watched the girl in his car get out and go to a car that pulled behind them and I saw the exchange. 

Again, it’s just trusting the process here and I can handle that. I guess in a weird way, it’s another thing to be positive about. At least that’s not me.

OK, well I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Ensuring Failure

Hi Everyone,

Well. Y’girl is just…for the most part I’m still lost in my depression but I continue on.

The job is fine, the $$ is not.

Wah wah wah, sick of talking about $,$,$.

I read this thing last night that said the ecenomic situation is only going to continue to get worse.

That sent me spiraling.

I have to stay off my phone.

I also need to fucking stay up when I get home from work. I was in bed by 6 and didn’t get up until 5. It’s depression, it’s avoidance.

I got on the scale and it was horrible.

I have to stop.

Everything I do and think is geared to ensure my failure.

I have to stop.

I’ve gone to overthinking everything to not to thinking at all.

But I have gotten up for two days in a row and gone to work and that’s a good thing. I’m up today and will go to work and that’s a good thing.

I feel the cats and that’s a good thing.

I’m going to apply for 3 jobs this morning. Two part time and one full.

I’m still looking at full time jobs and will only apply for the fulltime ones I really want, not out of desperation and any part time job will do. 

Just show me the fucking money, ya know?

Alright, well the present dictates that I have shit to do and so I’ll do it and I’ll try and stay up this evening and do something, anything.

The sleeping pills I take are really small but I’m going to get a pill cutter and see if I can cut them in half. I think that will help with the zombie state of things.

On I go. I am grateful as fuck to be working.

So there’s that.

I hope y’all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Paul

Optimism: Huh?

Good Morning,

Holy Hershey squirts Batman, I just keep going this morning. It’s the non gift that keeps on giving.

Man oh man.

So the first day of work went well. I have no complaints. I am in an utter panic about money though. I learned a lot about the benefits, which are good, but at the low amount of pay I’m making, I don’t think I can even sign on for them. It’s unfortunate. And I want to go to that place of this isn’t worth it, why did I take this job, etc. I am not doing that.

I’m working on staying present and all I can do is tell myself that for today we are OK. We have food, we have our apartment, I have gas in the car, you know, we are OK today.

And it is worth it to hang in there for the 90 day probationary period, to see what they might offer me after. I I am much more willing and able to advocate for myself now and so when that period is over, I think I am going to tell her I need more money and that I can’t survive on what they offer. When you think about it, I am doing HR, administrative assistance, and some light accounting. So I think I deserve the pay, if not what I was making at the horrible job, as close to it as possible.

In the meantime, I have to bite my tongue from talking about how much rent is and the economy and all of that because I don’t want her to feel like I’m not grateful for this job.

And let’s talk about gratitude, because I have none right now if you want me to be completely transparent and honest. I know I’m worth more monetary wise. But last week I didn’t have a job and this week I do. That right there is something to be fucking grateful for.

I’ve always been someone who thinks when something changes, life will automatically get better and it doesn’t. That is not being pessimistic, that’s called being realistic. They can get better though, and that is where I find my optimism.

Stay in today, Denise. Just stay in today. 

I went to bed last night around seven, I was just absolutely knocked out. I don’t know how in the hell I’m gonna do a second job, but I have to dig deep and find a way.

I’m very, very scared. This massive depression weighs on me constantly. I’m trying to find my way through it.

So I just have to keep going and believe that like dad said in that dream, there is a plan for me.

I don’t know what that plan is and I don’t know what it looks like, I am only required to have faith that all will be well.

OK, I guess I better get going but I’ll be going in today and I’m going to apply for a couple jobs yet this morning and we will just keep going.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise

So It Begins

Hi Everyone,

Good morning and all that. Oh Wowsa. So my daughter got a prescription for the Hydroxyzine that I used to take to sleep and…it worked. A bit too well I’d say.

I feel like I got a hit by a truck.

But I’m drinking a coffee and I don’t have to be there until 9:30 all week.

So there is time to wake up here but next week, I’m in full swing, having to be in by 7:30 so I may need to rethink this whole Hydroxyzine thing. 

I feel like a zombie.

Wow.

Yesterday was good. I got a lot done. I go it done without a list and a kept a pace where I didn’t overwhelm myself. 

My daughter only worked one shift yesterday so she took me out to dinner for Mother’s Day and then we went for a little walk.

It was a good day.

Someone who shall go I named, texted me to ask if I was ready for work and if I have everything I need. So I was honest and told him I could use some gas and some food as I was down to about $17.00 in my account. I do get paid weekly at this job but it’s probably on Friday’s so I’ve got a good 12 days until I get paid.

He told me to stop by and that lovely human gave me quite a chunk of change.

So the tank is full and I have food for the week.

This was so kind. 

I was able to get the cats some food too. They had literally just run out.

There are no coincidences.

There are some key things I have to do tonight but still not making a list. I know what the priorities are and that’s what I will make happen and if there’s time for the rest, great, if not, then maybe tomorrow morning.

I have to remember not to freak out and to just stay in the present and that’s what will make things start getting better.

Ok.

And it begins. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Comfort Zone

Good Morning!!

Happy Monday!

Ok. Well. Here we are.

I start my new job tomorrow.

I do not have a list for today as I am really trying to move away from that once and for all but I do have some things I want to accomplish.

It’s going to require me getting out of my comfort zone. Let’s be real, anything I do at this point will require me to get out of my comfort zone.

Because I haven’t really pushed myself at all.

I am working on staying present. No more big plans, just do the best I can everyday.

And to stay grateful.

And so…yeah.

I go to spend time with all of my babies yesterday. I went to a movie with my son and then we grabbed some lunch. My youngest got me coffee in the AM. My Rhi came over with a cookie and a gift.

So it was all good.

My youngest works today, but wants to do something special with me when I pick her up from work. So from now until then, everything I do is going to be things that are productive and get me closer to transitioning into this new job and figuring out my life and making it easier.

And for God sake, trying to find some fucking joy. I have been without joy for far too long.

So that’s that and we shall begin.

I hope you have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

On and On and On

Helloooo,

Pffft. The depression really kicked in yesterday. It was crushing. My daughter had a birthday party last night at her and her husbands new house and I was able to go and engage and smile and laugh. I’m so afraid that with this depression, no one will want me around. I’m in the verge of tears always. I’m fighting dark thoughts.

Always.

I am so overwhelmed.

Today is Mother’s Day and I know I have to put on my happy face again.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my children. They are it, my everything.

I hate that depression makes us so self-centered. My pain, my pain, my pain.

Ugh!

You guys, I keep saying I need help.

There is insurance after 60 days at this job but with such a low wage, I’m afraid of how on earth I’ll be able to afford it. And it makes me hate the 1% even more. They have no idea what us mere mortals go through.

No matter what, my happy face HAS to stay on at this new job. I am hanging on to hope that this whole experience has a deeper place in my life that I can’t see yet.

Hope is so hard.

But there has to be a way out of this. 

There has to be. There is no quality of life other than shitty quality feeling these things.

Why be here if this is it?

But. I go on. I go on and on and on and on.

I will try to have some kind of day other than a shitty one. 

I’ll just try to turn this frown upside down.

Alright.

To you Mom’s; You are everything. 

Happy Mother’s Day.

I hope you are spoiled and made to feel acknowledged and loved.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My Star Still Shines

Good Morning!

It’s amazing to me what can change in a day and what can stay the same.

I got a job offer. It’s the one I was hoping for.

The pay…it’s low.

In a matter of two weeks, I went from the highest paying job I’ve ever had to the lowest.

However, I refuse to look at this as anything other than a huge opportunity.

An opportunity to learn, to fix my shit, to be present in this and to experience this.

My boss, she’s a very kind person. I sense no underlaying anger in her, I sense no drama…in the interview, she was very kind, she answered all my questions, she was forthcoming…all the things I’ve wanted.

I need to focus on that, like that’s where my gratitude must come from and where it must rest in.

Ok, so what now? I need to file bankruptcy asap but it’s expensive so I need to figure that out, also asap.

I need to get a second job.

I need to stay consistent with YouTube and Willow’s Whimsy. That part at least will start with some research on how to get my products advertised (free of cost).

So that’s it.

No other big plans, no lists, no driving myself crazy. I need to learn this time to stay in the present and to let it unfold naturally.

Right now, presence is everything.

I honestly believe that there is where I will find success; in the now.

I think I wrote about the dream I had of dad, the one where he was telling my sister and my kids not to worry because there was a plan for me and he was holding a piece of paper that the plan was written on.

Well yesterday, I had said to Dad that I needed a bit more information because I was floundering…and struggling to believe his message. My bio mom called and as I was talking to her, a cardinal landed not 6 feet from my car; a male and a female. I see cardinals for Dad, he loved them.

And so I saw this pair and it just hit me like a ton of bricks because I had just asked him to come again and there he was.

I went back inside and I had gotten the job offer.

I continue to be blown away at the power of love and connection after death. This is something truly believe in.

So.

I am relieved but still stressed. 

But at least I’m able to have a glimmer of hope as well…and a willingness to continue on.

It’s better to burn out, than to fade away.

My star still shines.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Cardinals

Good Morning!

Boy, waking up for me is a trip lately. I just never know how I’m gonna feel.

Today isn’t dark but I can’t stop crying. My mom, bio mom, called me and as I was talking to her, a cardinal pair landed right by me; male and female and the ironic thing is that you know, I’d had a dream about Dad not to long ago and he was saying in the dream that there was a plan for me. You know, the dreams of mom got me through so much about a year and a half ago so I believed when I had the dream about Dad, that things would be ok but I lost faith in that relatively quickly and I had literally just said to both mom and dad, “ I need something more, I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do.” And I go outside and there they are.

I still don’t know what to do but at least it gave me some peace.

I’ve got my beautiful Grey sitting on my lap purring away.

She’s so skinny. I can feel her bones as I pet her. I love her so much. I’m her person and I’ve never had an animal so bonded to me though I’ve felt loved by my sister’s dog Chatty and of course, Trout, who I honestly felt was my grandson.

I guess today I’m gonna mash it all up; some cleaning, making cupcakes for my daughter’s birthday/housewarming party tomorrow. Job search. Tears if necessary but then get up and keep it going.

Remember the video No More Tears by Ozzy? She fills the room with her tears. I do believe that’s possible now.

But…as far as I know, my cats can’t swim and it would damage my things so perhaps just keep going.

Alright. On with it already.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Seeing What Fits

Good Morning!

Tough night again but two of the cats were up close to me and that always offers comfort.

Today at least it’s not dark. I’m not motivated but I’m also not thinking dark things.

My head is always going and I’m starting to see not only the obvious patterns but the more subtle ones too and I’m seeing it through the unfolding drama of another person.

Some of her stuff reminds me so much of me. 

There is always something I’m working towards, there are so many plans and so many goals and so many dreams and no one could attain all of that at once. I know that with my writing and my videos, it probably looks to many people like I have bipolar disorder and I don’t. I’ve been assessed multiple times and never been diagnosed with it.

If if they’ve missed something, I feel that it would be a rapid cycling very low on the charts bipolar.

But I only bring that up because I realize I’m all over the place and in watching this other person’s drama unfold, it just reminds me so much of me. Periods of despondency followed by something new that’s gonna change everything and never following through on anything and never being able to achieve any of these goals.

I see so much of myself in her stuff and I’m like oh my God because if if I watch her stuff and I’m thinking, oh my God, calm down girl, that’s probably what people think of me and how they react to my stuff.

I think the big difference is that I’m willing to listen to people now and not just poo. Poo what they say because I don’t like it or it feels uncomfortable. I’m willing to try things on now and see if they fit. Not as a way to bash myself, but as a way to see how to fix it.

And so for right now, I need to get healthy physically, and I need to get healthy mentally. I need to file this bankruptcy, I’m going to have to stay in this apartment, there will be no moving for me for a long, long time and I have to accept that because no one will rent me with a bankruptcy on my record. Obviously, I need to find a job.

Once I get a job I’m going to sit down with my sister and go over a budget. 

As far as my YouTube channel and my dream of the business, no plans, just chill and let things unfold as they can.

And I need to let that go, and stay in the moment.

Of all the those things, learning to live in the moment is the biggest.

Learning to accept what is and find gratitude wherever I can, those things alone will make the others so much easier.

I have to start taking care of myself somehow. I have to make me a priority. But in a gentle way, not this maniacal planning and thinking I’ll find happiness when I achieve certain milestones.

I need to find my happiness where I’m at.

Ok.

So I guess on with it and here we go.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Get On With Things

Good Morning,

I got some sleep! Too much probably. But it’s better than the alternative. It takes some of the darkness away.

My bestie called and I got a lovely text from another friend.

The interview yesterday went very well but I can’t dare to hope.

So I’m gonna clean up the apartment a bit, I’m going to make an appointment with an attorney to talk about the cost of filing bankruptcy and at least I’ve come to a place of acceptance with that.

I’m going to try and act as if and just get through, one moment and one day at a time because I have no answers and I honestly don’t know what to do. It’s new territory, my actually staying engaged while going through this fresh hell.

Drama, lol.

Ok, well I’m gonna go and just get on with things.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wish I Could Say

Good Morning,

I wish I could say I’m better but I’m not.

I will say this to anyone worried. Yes, I am having thoughts. They are not well formed. They are a wish at this point. They haven’t bloomed into an actual plan.

Because these thoughts are volatile, and have the power to cause harm and worry in those I love, I’m not going to write about it anymore.

I need help. But I have no insurance. So therapy and meds are out of the question right now.

I have to try and hold on. I’m not sure if I can but on my shorts and in these posts, I’ll try to focus on solution as much as I can.

I did write out a list of what’s to come.

Credit card payments will not be made and the phone calls will start

Loan payment will not be made and they have a lien in the car. I don’t know how long it will take them to repo it.

Rent will not get paid for June and we’ll be evicted and out by end of June.

So there it is in black and white.

My whole life going down the toilet in 3 sentences. 

I am so disappointed in Stevie Nicks. I’ve loved her my whole life. 

She debuted at the Met Gala. Why? She never seems like one of those kinds of people.

I literally feel like I got betrayed by my sister or something.

My interview got pushed to today at 12:30 so I have to get ready for that and somehow try to act like a normal human being and not start bawling and beg them for this job. I know that they interviewed a ton of people. I’m old, I don’t have money to get my hair done so all my gray roots are showing and I have an ugly yellow tooth. Yeah, good luck with that. 

Onwards!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Oh Man

Oh man.

I did not sleep last night. I have an interview this morning but I guess I feel like why bother?

You guys. I can’t do this anymore.

I had some wine yesterday, in a desperate effort to get some sleep and I ended up taking a drive down memory lane. Not good. I guess that’s misleading. Not memory lane in the sense that I used. I didn’t do that. I literally took a drive down memory lane. I ended up crapping my pants. Apparently wine and IBS don’t mix.

The thoughts that were going through my head and still are. 

If it ends up that there isn’t an afterlife, I guess that’s ok, at least there will be peace.

I’m tired of living like this.

Something has to give.

I need help.

I’ve been keeping on a happy face for my daughter and not letting her see the despair I feel because she doesn’t deserve that.

But I am drowning. Drowning in despair and I miss mom and dad so much.

So much.

That’s all I’ve got. I’m going to try and get in about an hour of sleep and I guess I’ll get up and go to this interview.

I’m just so tired.

Tired

Hello everyone,

Uffda, today is hard. I’ve officially hit bottom. I have no fight left. I give up.

I’m tired as fuck. 

Can the remainder of my time here be good? Can I just have a couple things happen for me? 

A decent job, living within my means, a little bit of travel. Cats, a dog. Somewhere to live within enough space to move around comfortably?

I give up.

I’m not saying I’m ending things. I’m saying I’m done fighting. I throw in the towel.

I’ve got nothing. 

My daughter told me today she’s tired of living in fight or flight and I right there with her.

Boy, I bring people along for the ride, don’t I?

Tired. 

I’m gonna take a nap and see if that helps.

Today…it’s just a hard one.

I hope that all of you have a good day.

I hope you are blessed with the things I want for myself.

Love & Light,

Neecie

This New Dream

Well Hello,

Lawd have mercy, I am gettin'er done.

I made bathbombs yesterday and this new mix I accidentally discovered is the primo shitaki!!

I have one of my damn lists for today and there will be one for tomorrow as well but what I can tell you is I'm getting that shit done.

The hurt and shame and guilt over that fucking job had me shook you guys. Shook. That's what I used to say when I was really high from my drug of choice, I'd whisper, "holy shit, I'm shook." So to say I'm shook, you know it's bad.

Luckily, it's not from drugs.

I've been talking about you know, accepting myself for who I am and uh, it's very hard to do that without the shame piece coming in but I sortof talked to the Universe, some may some the Big G, but while I can't change my past and I can't be someone I'm not, I have got to finally give myself enough grace to move beyond this...whatever this is. Yeah, it's been my whole life but especially my whole adult life and I just decided, you know, it was a dream.

Because I can't go back...but fuckin' A, I don't have to own that shit anymore either. It's done, it's over and I have a tendency to forget the good that happened as well. I've had some precious fucking moments in my life. 

We can't change it, we shouldn't forget it lest we repeat and I'm a repeater. But I don't live there anymore, I haven't lived there for such a long time and you know, I try to because I want to beat myself up and play that, "you're worthless" tape but I'm not. I'm really not.

And so...I don't live there anymore. It was a dream. It's just like when I drive down my old block and I see our house and my heart wants to burst out of my chest because I want to go through that front door and go upstairs and see Mom and Dad in the living room, maybe reading, maybe sitting at the kitchen table having their morning coffee.

But...their not there. They are a memory, a beautiful dream of what was, of the good things that happened to me. 

So the bad stuff is the same. Just a dream. Who I am now, I can choose who I am, I can write all new chapters.

Chapters where I fall in love with myself and believe in myself and do the next right thing.

I can take my last breath knowing I didn't live the old dream, that I let it go with love and understanding and forgiveness and I lived the new one.

The one where I walk through my shit, where I face myself and find out I'm fucking amazing and the one where love always comes first; love of myself and love of my people.

I am in tears but they are healing tears.

And because I'm knocking out my list, I am going to continue doing that and I'll be back tomorrow and tell you all about this new dream and how it plays out today.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

When Wrong Works Out

Well good morning!

It shouldn’t be. But then again, why not? Your world can be falling down around you and it can still be a good morning.

Perspective, eh?

Sooo, I made a shit ton of bathbombs and something happened; the first batch? I made them wrong so I switched it back up but…that first batch was amazing. Stuck together perfectly, lightweight, floated and spun in the tub and didn’t disintegrate to quickly.

So luckily, I remember what I did so it’s back to more bombs. I’m going to make sugar scrubs, body butters and lotion today and my goal is to sell it ALL this weekend.

There is nothing else for me to do but to continue praying for a fuckin’ miracle.

Including the miracle of an IBS free tummy. If I had a dollar for every time I go, I’d be in the 1%. 

I’d give most of it away. Imagine all these poop issues being the reason I could help others.

Ha, wouldn’t that be the shit?

Ok, I’ll stop now.

Took a bath with one of my bathbombs and here we go.

Be Blessed!

Live & Light,

Neecie