Love & Gratitude

Annnnd…muthaf*ckin’ blog #2.

I try to steer clear of twofers but it is what it is.

I started thinking of all the people who have helped me. There are so very many.

And I thought…I’m sitting here writing about offing myself and trying to come to terms with what that will mean to the people who love me.

And I did have a plan, I’ve been clean off my DOC for 3 and a half years but I know exactly where to score what I needed to have a peaceful death and I was gonna do it this Thursday when rent was due.

Yes. That’s where this has brought me to.

But then…my daughter came in my room last night and I was able to cry about all this…finally and to tell her I’m sorry because she has been doing her part, this bullshit is all me and I was able to tell her I’m sorry.

So that helped.

I’m blessed she doesn’t hate me.

Then we cried together today and had a great talk. And we came up with a possibility and I made a call and we’re out of here. If we get out soon enough, we avoid eviction.

It’s even possible I might be able to add this to my bankruptcy.

Fuck it,, ya know? 

I have to be a little cold about this because the reality is cold. The reality sucks ass, head and hole but we have to survive.

So yeah…

Fuck it. I don’t have a second to waste so I’ve been going through my clothes. I need boxes.

I want the apartment as cleared out as possible by Thursday so I can clean.

I don’t want to be charged anything that can be avoided.

My goal is to be out by this coming weekend.

I’ve got a friend working on boxes for me.

I’m at peace but this brings a new stress. Whatever.

The peace is bigger than the stress. I have been making choices in the past month that I’m proud of.

They are choices that take into consideration the people who love me too.

People who want to help but then feel guilty that they are unable to. I can’t fucking put people through that anymore.

Done.

I have no idea what this will all mean, I have no idea what’s going to happen going forward.

I told my sister, it’s all love and gratitude now, come what may.

Love & Gratitude.

So…

Let the Wild Rumpus Begin!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Inner Dialogue

Good Morning,

So…yesterday. Not good. I think I really do need help, like psychological help.

I have spiraled and it’s dark here and I really don’t like it.

Shame is overwhelming me. I can’t stop thinking about my past, I can’t stop thinking horrible things about myself. The inner dialogue just won’t stop.

I have something that could potentially turn it around but in my current state of mind, I’m not sure.

I want to say this. I love my daughter so much. She came home from my other daughter’s place last night and neither one of us could sleep because it’s so hot in the apartment and she let me talk and cry.

I needed that. Just someone to listen and not freak out on me. Like some people are telling me to put myself in the nut ward. She thinks I need help too and I do but my God, how?

How?

Everything I need to do feels like Mount Everest in front of me and I have to climb it NOW.

I literally have no umph and I feel powerless to stop all this inner ruminating and lethargy.

I don’t want to die but I want to die if that makes sense.

I want my circumstances to die.

I gotta be who I want to be right NOW; not tomorrow, not next week, not when this or that happens, NOW.

It’s hard.

I got myself back into watching those near death experience videos and some of them make me mad.

I need to stop and accept that I’ll figure out what happens when I die when I die.

But for today; I need to shower and brush my teeth because I haven’t in a few days. 

I need to pick up. Somehow I need to get kitty litter and food.

I have very little money and I think I need to rent a storage locker to put our stuff in. I don’t know how the fuck I’m gonna do this without a car but here we go.

I’m besides myself but time to pick up the big girl panties.

Now I’m crying again so I’m gonna go before I spiral down the drain.

I hope you all have a great day. Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie