Happy Solstice

Hello!

Oh man, oh man, oh man.

Had to shift gears from my intended to do’s already.

Didn’t sleep last night. I forgot it’s the solstice. So of course I didn’t sleep.

Happy Solstice!!

Woke up and the shit show, aka, mud bath has begun. Full on IBS attack mode. Pain, poo, doubled over puking from the pain of the cramps.

I’ll tell ya what, I knocked it out of the park yesterday. My apartment is CLEAN.

My laundry is done, folded, put away or hung up. Like…YES!

As far as my list today, because I am exhausted, I’m gonna deprioritize some of those things and just do what I can and I’ll probably take a nap at some point. I showered yesterday AM and then took my bougie bath last night but I want to shower ASAP after that attack.

Nothing like an IBS attack to make you feel dirty as a pig in mud.

I can still get things done and more importantly, I’m getting closer to what I want my weekends to be.

Soooo yeah.

Slow down, slow the pace but keep it steady Momma.

Wow. 

Just. Wow.

Golly.

Not the morning I had planned but…it can still be a morning I can make the most of.

Still a day to get things done.

Be Blessed y’all.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Focus

Good Morning Lovies,

The last two nights, I have slept like the dead.

Wow.

I find myself wanting either another Fitbit or a ring so I can know the quality of the sleep.

I still wake up very groggy but I know that’s because of the medication.

I got to talk to my niece and nephew yesterday. My sister FaceTimed me. They are so precious.

Well I said in my short yesterday that Imma start stirring shit up. Today that starts with stirring myself up. Focus on one thing at a time.

And hopefully, I’ll go to bed with the knowledge that I’m sufficiently stirred up.

Not that I’m shit but the lethargy within me, ya know?

So…one thing at a time and the day will be productive.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Boring Baybeh

Good Morning!

Friday at last!

My poor Grey is having issues. When I got home, she yowled at me for like an hour. She couldn’t decide what she wanted. That’s the thing with her. She takes forever to make a decision.

If she wants to get up on my lap, she’ll stand in front of me trying to figure it out. Same if she’s contemplating a jump or wants some water for the sink, she has to think about it for a long time.

My poor girl.

So I slept last night. My head hit the pillow and I didn’t wake up once until 5.

Sleep good baybeh.

I haven’t had to run the air at all this week. I’ve just had the fan in the window.

So that’ll help come bill time.

Other than that, I’m thinking it’s time to stir things up. I’m caught in this day to day and nothing changes.

Boring baybeh.

Anyways, yes, yes.

I’m going to get ready for work and be in my merry way.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise

Doable

Good Morning!

Thank God we have only one more wake up day this week. Y’girl is bored and tired and stressed and all the things.

So be it.

So no repeats of the awful pain I experienced the other day.

But I’m literally afraid to eat. I did eat though. But I was careful.

It sounds so stupid to say, “oh, I’m so proud of myself for not calling in at this job.” But if you understood my history, you’d get it.

So yeah, not once. Haven’t been late or left early either.

Do I love this job? No. Do I hate or dislike this job? No.

I’m Switzerland.

I like my boss. I like the people I work for.

It’s a doable job.

Just the pay.

I’d stay if the pay was anywhere near where I need and deserve it to be. It’s not a livable wage.

Bla bla bla, right? SSDD.

At least I’m eating much healthier. At least I’m I’m usually getting enough sleep.

My daughter and I had a really good conversation last night. She shared a lot of things with me. It makes me feel good that she feels safe sharing herself with me.

She knows I’ll be truthful but I’ll be supportive and kind too.

We are all in this journey. We are to learn and grow and figure as much as we can with the time we’ve got.

She’s got way more solid footing than I did at her age.

Proud Momma Bear here.

Anyways, time to get ready.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Attacked!

Hello!!

Oh my goodness, I just realized I didn’t blog today.

I’m exhausted. Not from lack of sleep but from some strange and horrific attack I had yesterday. From everything I looked up, I do believe it was a gallbladder attack. It was excruciating. Even my ulcer and gas/bloating pain/attacks felt nothing like this. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt and lasted for two hours. I was gonna go straight to the ER from work but my daughter needed a ride to work and by the time I got home to pick her up, it was over.

But pain I’ve found, causes exhaustion and so other than making myself a very careful dinner, I didn’t do shite.

Today, I’ve been looking up foods that are high in saturated fat and from now on; small doses of that shit. I don’t EVER want to go through that again but I also found out that not eating means not enough bile and if I do have stones, it can cause them to settle and block.

Fucking horrible. 

I’ll still eat saturated fats but like I said, small doses. And I’m going to have to go to one percent milk from 2%. Some fats are good for you and so I need to keep them in my diet, but I also need to pay more attention to what kind.

Blah.

While my lunch break is over. I just wanted to check in.

I hope you are all having a great day.

Be Blessed. 

Love & Light,

Neecie

Best To Keep It Clean

Good Morning!

Oh my God. It’s a frickin’ pooping morning. Yikes!

This is the first time in forever that I was afraid I wouldn’t make it into work without an accident. But I did and I’m early so why not blog real quick?

I managed to get some things done last night. 

I ate and then I dumped out the dirty litter, scrubbed the boxes and refilled them, vacuumed out the areas they sit in and then managed to get the garbage out and to load up the dishwasher.

All good stuff.

I didn’t sleep well. And yeah, the rumbles have started and the volcano is active.

Tonight, I cook. So many times I buy groceries and then I don’t end up using them. And it’s all because of this laziness.

So I’m gonna make my dinner for tonight when I get home and then I’m gonna make my dinner for tomorrow as well.

And clean and apply for some jobs.

And I should probably shower. I’m so tired by shower time, that I often time skip it and I need to stop doing that because I don’t feel clean.

When you’re living a shit storm best to keep it clean.

Alright, well onwards.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My. St. Helens

Good Monday!!

How is everyone? I’m ok. I made Alfredo yesterday and I’m paying my dues to the porcelain goddess this morning.

Need I say more?

So. The meds are finally kicking in so I have no excuses. Time to find my life.

I had the best love session with Pumpkin. That cat revels in all things good. When I brush her, her mouth hangs open and she stretches her paws wide. She purrs and it looks like she’s experiencing heaven.

I don’t want to go to work but I shall. Must make the donuts.

Here I am making the donuts. I was told it gets pretty quiet before the 4th. So I find myself having to find things to do.

I mean they’re paying me for it but I sometimes doubt that this is a full time job but even so, I’ll take it. 

I do free online typing tests and I read about history; Vikings, Mt. St. Helen’s. Stuff I find interesting.

The one thing I don’t do is use the work computer to check my YouTube channel or this blog. I wised up to that years ago. Especially after that really angry woman I worked for.

So.

The loan people just sent a message threatening to send me into collections. I need to get the bankruptcy filed.

I can’t wait for this to just be all be over.

That’s giving me anxiety now so imma just chill and read about volcanos until I have something to do.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Best Laid Plans

Happy Saturday,

Lovely to get up and slug it out a little. My phone is going to ring in 3 minutes and I’ll be having a catch up call with women I love.

Then home to finish up the cleaning, get some makeup on my face and shoot some videos and then go to a grad party. When I get back, I’m gonna go for a walk and do some yoga, take my bougie bath, pick my daughter up from work and go to bed.

Sounds like a plan!

Ah, the best laid plans, I know. 

But I’ll just meander through this, try to stay present and focused and you know, we’ll just go from there.

My brother, his wife and their daughter are coming to the States this coming week and I can’t wait to see them!!

Well I had the call, it’s lovely. So now I’m headed back to my place and gonna jump on in!!

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Beautiful Peaceful

Happy Friday!!

I’m sitting outside at my friend’s place. It’s gorgeous out. A little cool maybe but not bad.

Partly cloudy, a gentle breeze. I can hear rustle through the trees, hear the birds calling to one another.

Beautiful. Peaceful.

Sadly, I have to leave for work soon but at least it’s Friday. I’m kind of in awe of myself truth be told. I have not missed a single day of work and I have not been late once.

This is not like me but you know…money.

I’ve been super focused on just that because I can’t afford to lose another job. Or walk away, which I don’t want to. This job is done. But, you know, there are other fish to fry. There are always more fish to fry. Poor fish.

I really want to get things moving, I just have to pace myself. 

I’ll get to where I want to be. One. Step. At. A. Time.

I better get moving.

Love to you all.

I hope your day is amazing.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

More

Good Morning!

All I could think when my alarm went off this morning is that tonight, I can go to bed early. My daughter doesn’t work today. Tomorrow, I get off at 3:30. Then, thankfully, the weekend.

I’m exhausted.

I do want to finish cleaning tonight because it’d be awfully nice to sleep in if I want on Saturday.

It’s bad when all you can think about is when you can go back to bed but that’s just where I’m at today.

Geez, it’s a pooping morning too. 

I’m literally so tired that I have no thoughts.

So I don’t even know what to write about but at least I’m tired because I’m helping folks out.

And tonight, after I feed my friend’s cats, I can go home, shower and go to bed.

It’s amazing how once you start getting sleep, you kind of get addicted to it.

More. More. More.

This weekend will be good. I actually have plans though I’ll be doing it all solo.

On Saturday, I have a grad party to attend and Sunday, I’m getting my skates back on and then I’m going out to Maple Grove to see the chalk drawings. 

I want to get out and actually do some things. 

I’m at my friend’s place right now and I’m gonna give the cats some snuggles if they want them. And then off to work.

I hope you all have a good.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Mayflowah

Hello Boogalas,

I’ll have you know I have no idea what a boogala is but it sounded good so…

Anyways, I surprised myself last night by actually doing some things.

I vacuumed the apartment, I put away my clean clothes, I put away the clean dishes. 

I actually did my evening skincare routine.

I picked up my kiddo and put my ass to bed.

I’m at work now. I’ve been sleeping in because of picking the daughter up, you know, later bedtime.

We’re making it work.

I got $$ for food!

Thank you Mayflowah.

Tonight it’s more of the same; pick my daughter up, take her to work, go feed and spend some time with my friend’s cats, home, get some shit done, pick up my daughter, back to bed.

Tomorrow I’ll have to leave early to feed the cats again and then work.

Friday is coming!!

We’ll get there!

Alright, oh! In two months, I’ve gained 50 more subscribers to my YouTube channel.

If you’re one of them, thank you!!!

I better actually do some work now.

Have a good day!

Be Blessed :)

Love & Light,

Neecie

Whatever

Good Morning Boo Thangs,

How are y’all?

I’m ok. Kinda same same. I’m tired though, more than usual. Stayed up last night so I could pick up my kiddo.

I slept in and still got here in time so that’s good. I stopped by my former roomies place to pick up my debit card. It finally came.

I just want to get through this week.

It’s a busy one. My entire paycheck on Friday is already accounted for, like, what it’s going to; rent, food, gas, tabs for the car, kitty litter and the apartment utility bill.

It doesn’t end.

But the money sure fucking does.

Never ever does it end. Not until I do anyways and I’m not wanting it to. I don’t want to die, I just want the conditions I’m living in, to die.

Ugh.

I’m still in awe of the fact that we managed rent this month. Not sure how we made that happen, we didn’t borrow any $$. 

But my cig consumption is WAY down and so is the coffee.

Whatever whatever whatever.

We made it.

I’m starving. I had a protein shake yesterday. That’s it.

I’m dealing with it though.

FDT.

Just had to throw that in there.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Live & Light,

Neecie

Hard Times

Good Morning,

Wow, so I had a bit of a rough night.

Lots of waking up.

I was so surprised when my alarm went off. I couldn’t believe it, ya know?

All the mean voices are starting.

You’re worthless, why try?

Bla bla bla.

I did get some money. For which I’m grateful.  I’m helping a friend out with her cats. She paid me in advance.

So the tiniest of wiggle room. I will do that in the morning and after work.

I’m also trying to help my daughter because they changed the way they do serving now at her restaurant and she used to come home with 2 to 3 hundred, she’s lucky if she breaks 150. It’s hard, hard times so I’m trying to take her in when I can. Tonight she starts at 5, so I’ll come home, pick her up and then take her in. I think I’ll be doing that all week. I may have to stay up late too to get her.

So it’s gonna be a busy one and I’m gonna have to just push through.

It’s so hard. It’s just so hard.

But I got this.

Right?!?

I got this.

The kitty duty starts Wednesday night and then I’ll be there too Thursday, Friday and Saturday morning. I won’t have to go Saturday night as my friend will be back.

I’m tired.

I didn’t hear from my mom this weekend. I usually do. She’s been calling to check on me too. I’ll call her this week.

But I got this.

Alright, I’m gonna get this party started.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Upward Trend

Hello Loves,

I have accomplished absolutely nothing today. I’m half fine with it though. 

I slept for…9 hrs? 10? All that fresh air yesterday and actually being somewhat social. The cure for insomnia? Maybe not a permanent cure but one that made a difference yesterday.

We are out of food. My daughter had enough to get some taquitos from Target yesterday. I had some today but yeah…no food until I get paid Friday,

Whatever.

I have milk and protein powder so…that shall suffice until Friday.

Gas is another conundrum but again…it’ll work out. 

One must see it in their mind in order to believe it.

I have just had a time of this past few months; such a deep depression. The cloud’s lifting. Lisa has really been a part of the lift; really being there with a nonjudgmental ear, holding space for me and I think Erin came back into my life at precisely the time she was supposed to and hopefully for her too. She’s checked in a few times.

Her way of telling me the things going on in her life just cracks me up and having some laughter back is so good. They’ve really been here for me. 

And I think the meds are finally kicking in. Because that deep, permeating darkness is lifting.

It’s not a major change but it’s started.

So all I can really say is I’m grateful I don’t feel like I did a month ago and maybe in another month, I’ll be able to say that about today and we’ll just hope it’s an upward trend.

That’s what I’ve got for you today.

Thank you!!

Have a good afternoon.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Good Morning!

Ah. Well hey, I cleaned the bathroom last night. Yay. At least I can say I did something. 

In all fairness I did have to hustle to get a cashiers check for the rent payment and all that. 

But rent got paid. My daughter and I are both broke. So it’s gonna be a week of figuring out gas and food.

But yes, rent is paid.

Little bit of breathing space.

My boss was off yesterday and I actually did pretty good.

I’m just chilling for a second and then I’m gonna head over to my daughter’s place. She’s having a garage sale and asked me to help her set it up this morning.

So I’ll do that and hopefully come home and clean.

Running Slower

Good Morning!!

I can finally say TGIF!!! I need gas and I have to drop off a deposit at the bank. Normally, this would not be an issue but I had to pick my daughter up from work last night so and she didn’t get off until after 10. 

I can also happily report that I did not lay around. I started to but I didn’t.

I did not get the house cleaned but I got everything picked up, which will make it much easier to clean tonight. I want it done.

But it feels so good to at least have done that much.

I also gave myself a facial and took a shower.

I did my skincare routine!!

So yeah, that’s all good. I didn’t hear my alarm so I’m running a bit slower.

So that’s all great stuff but now I gotta get ready for work and get out of here.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Instant Transfer

Good Morning!

Thursday.

This week has just dragged itself right on by.

It feels like it should be Friday.

Oh well.

I’m not sure but I think we’re gonna make rent. The only thing is that I have to go to the bank yet again to get them to print some checks. I don’t have any and I certainly don’t have the money to order any though it would make my life easier.

And I’m also going to have to make sure my daughter doesn’t Cash App me the money because I don’t have my new debit card yet so I can’t do an instant transfer. 

I managed to eat yesterday. My daughter is being trained at work to bartend and she got a free meal for it so she bought me a chicken Caesar salad because it’s cheap and she gets gets 50% off her meals.

We have both lost weight.

I was in bed by 7:30. There just doesn’t seem to be anything to stay up for. 

Man.

I’m still tired. I could go right back to bed.

But I have to work.

My sweet Grey was asking for love in the middle of the night and she doesn’t usually do that, usually it’s Pumpkin so of course I indulged her. So skinny now.

Well on with it I guess.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Hardcore

Hi Everyone!

Went to bed early again.

What do you do? I know I need to stay up but it’s hard.

Yesterday the anxiety was horrible.

Today it’s a little better.

I’m supposed to sign our new lease. I don’t know what to do.

I’m not sure how much it increased to. I’ll have to call about that today.

Because I stopped making all my payments, my credit plunged and we won’t get in anywhere else. 

I don’t know what to do.

As far as the bank, my old account should be closed today.

Thank God. I’m going to need to get help with food and gas because my entire paycheck on Friday has to go to rent.

We still won’t be there but it’ll be a lot closer. 

I just can’t.

I have no choice though so I guess I can.

Here we go.

I really fucked up at work though yesterday. So many mistakes. It’s hard because my anxiety was at 100+.

I just say I’m sorry and nod.

She’s being nice about it.

At least I have a decent boss. She’s hardcore though.

But not without reason.

So there’s that.

Well I better get moving. I don’t want to but I have to.

Alright, well I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Did Me Good

Good Morning!

Oh wow. My anxiety? My heart is pounding this morning. I think it may be the Lexapro because this started when I started taking it again.

I just don’t even know what to do with this.

I just don’t even know.

The bank did me good and refused the loan payment. Now I have to wait for it to go from pending to posted and pray the loan company doesn’t try to put it through again.

Because once this is posted, the account can be closed. 

This is so scary.

So so scary.

I see one last attorney tomorrow and then I have to find the money to file.

The job is going good. Been there everyday, on time.

I’m not sure what to do about the meds. I think I’ll take them and just try to push through. Hope that I adjust to them.

Cuz wow. This is not good. It’s hard to even concentrate long enough to write this out.

Ok, well…

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Some Personality

Hi Guys,

I got nothing good. Another wasted weekend. This anxiety is going to give me a frickin’ heart attack.

Seriously.

I managed to get some garbage out, to dye my hair and to clean up the dishes. That’s it.

That’s all she wrote.

What happened to Denise Motherfucking Johnson?

I miss her.

She was a mess but at least she had some personality. 

Anyways, I have some things that have to get done this morning so not a long post today.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie