Dusk to Dawn

Good Morning!

Friday. I will say this; one thing that is easy to be positive about today is that it’s Friday. When I’m not working, Fridays are hard for me because it’s the day that everybody’s excited about because the weekend is coming. But for me, it was just another day. So I am happy to be happy that it’s Friday.

That’s a great feeling.

I am still continuing to stay in the present because I don’t know, the last month or so, has been this running shit show of the past in my brain. I do have a brain that wants to self sabotage. I do have a brain that feels comfortable in chaos, even though I hate it.

The past is the past and yes, it went by like dusk to dawn.

But it’s gone, the past is gone. So when those thoughts come up, I have been telling myself, no. That is over, that is done. That is not who I am now.

Retraining, my brain to understand that I deserve good things and I deserve peace in my life is very, very difficult.

I really don’t want chaos.

This week was a good learning opportunity for me because I did go back to past patterns. I got home from work and did nothing all week, well, OK I did some things. But not a lot. And I went to bed so early and one thing about this hydroxyzine that I’m taking is that I have slept.

But next week I start at 7:30 in the morning as opposed to 930 and I really need to acclimate myself to being on a schedule. And into making some effort in the evenings.

I can’t sustain going to bed at five or 6 o’clock every night and being in bed for 12 hours.

My sister messaged me yesterday and I asked about her dog. I think I mentioned in a prior blog that she wasn’t doing so well. I honestly was filled with joy when she responded saying that she’s doing very well, meaning her dog. Little chatty girl.

Good news is good news and it’s another thing for me to feel positive about. This dog is just so sweet and I do feel bonded to her in spite of the fact that I don’t see her often.

When I look back over the last couple years, there really has been lost. My son‘s cat Maple, followed shortly by his dog trout. My sister lost her other dog, trickle. And the biggest one of all, being Mom.

But life goes on, doesn’t it? It’s weird being the elder now.

OK, well I think I just need to get through this day and try and do some things tonight and try and have a productive weekend and come up with a loose plan/schedule for next week so that I can start really trying to move forward.

Oh, so I work in a really bad neighborhood and yesterday, I saw a drug deal go down. My boss said that this guy cycles around the area every five weeks or so. He literally pulled up right in front of the window facing the street from my office and I watched the girl in his car get out and go to a car that pulled behind them and I saw the exchange. 

Again, it’s just trusting the process here and I can handle that. I guess in a weird way, it’s another thing to be positive about. At least that’s not me.

OK, well I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Ensuring Failure

Hi Everyone,

Well. Y’girl is just…for the most part I’m still lost in my depression but I continue on.

The job is fine, the $$ is not.

Wah wah wah, sick of talking about $,$,$.

I read this thing last night that said the ecenomic situation is only going to continue to get worse.

That sent me spiraling.

I have to stay off my phone.

I also need to fucking stay up when I get home from work. I was in bed by 6 and didn’t get up until 5. It’s depression, it’s avoidance.

I got on the scale and it was horrible.

I have to stop.

Everything I do and think is geared to ensure my failure.

I have to stop.

I’ve gone to overthinking everything to not to thinking at all.

But I have gotten up for two days in a row and gone to work and that’s a good thing. I’m up today and will go to work and that’s a good thing.

I feel the cats and that’s a good thing.

I’m going to apply for 3 jobs this morning. Two part time and one full.

I’m still looking at full time jobs and will only apply for the fulltime ones I really want, not out of desperation and any part time job will do. 

Just show me the fucking money, ya know?

Alright, well the present dictates that I have shit to do and so I’ll do it and I’ll try and stay up this evening and do something, anything.

The sleeping pills I take are really small but I’m going to get a pill cutter and see if I can cut them in half. I think that will help with the zombie state of things.

On I go. I am grateful as fuck to be working.

So there’s that.

I hope y’all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Paul

Optimism: Huh?

Good Morning,

Holy Hershey squirts Batman, I just keep going this morning. It’s the non gift that keeps on giving.

Man oh man.

So the first day of work went well. I have no complaints. I am in an utter panic about money though. I learned a lot about the benefits, which are good, but at the low amount of pay I’m making, I don’t think I can even sign on for them. It’s unfortunate. And I want to go to that place of this isn’t worth it, why did I take this job, etc. I am not doing that.

I’m working on staying present and all I can do is tell myself that for today we are OK. We have food, we have our apartment, I have gas in the car, you know, we are OK today.

And it is worth it to hang in there for the 90 day probationary period, to see what they might offer me after. I I am much more willing and able to advocate for myself now and so when that period is over, I think I am going to tell her I need more money and that I can’t survive on what they offer. When you think about it, I am doing HR, administrative assistance, and some light accounting. So I think I deserve the pay, if not what I was making at the horrible job, as close to it as possible.

In the meantime, I have to bite my tongue from talking about how much rent is and the economy and all of that because I don’t want her to feel like I’m not grateful for this job.

And let’s talk about gratitude, because I have none right now if you want me to be completely transparent and honest. I know I’m worth more monetary wise. But last week I didn’t have a job and this week I do. That right there is something to be fucking grateful for.

I’ve always been someone who thinks when something changes, life will automatically get better and it doesn’t. That is not being pessimistic, that’s called being realistic. They can get better though, and that is where I find my optimism.

Stay in today, Denise. Just stay in today. 

I went to bed last night around seven, I was just absolutely knocked out. I don’t know how in the hell I’m gonna do a second job, but I have to dig deep and find a way.

I’m very, very scared. This massive depression weighs on me constantly. I’m trying to find my way through it.

So I just have to keep going and believe that like dad said in that dream, there is a plan for me.

I don’t know what that plan is and I don’t know what it looks like, I am only required to have faith that all will be well.

OK, I guess I better get going but I’ll be going in today and I’m going to apply for a couple jobs yet this morning and we will just keep going.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise

So It Begins

Hi Everyone,

Good morning and all that. Oh Wowsa. So my daughter got a prescription for the Hydroxyzine that I used to take to sleep and…it worked. A bit too well I’d say.

I feel like I got a hit by a truck.

But I’m drinking a coffee and I don’t have to be there until 9:30 all week.

So there is time to wake up here but next week, I’m in full swing, having to be in by 7:30 so I may need to rethink this whole Hydroxyzine thing. 

I feel like a zombie.

Wow.

Yesterday was good. I got a lot done. I go it done without a list and a kept a pace where I didn’t overwhelm myself. 

My daughter only worked one shift yesterday so she took me out to dinner for Mother’s Day and then we went for a little walk.

It was a good day.

Someone who shall go I named, texted me to ask if I was ready for work and if I have everything I need. So I was honest and told him I could use some gas and some food as I was down to about $17.00 in my account. I do get paid weekly at this job but it’s probably on Friday’s so I’ve got a good 12 days until I get paid.

He told me to stop by and that lovely human gave me quite a chunk of change.

So the tank is full and I have food for the week.

This was so kind. 

I was able to get the cats some food too. They had literally just run out.

There are no coincidences.

There are some key things I have to do tonight but still not making a list. I know what the priorities are and that’s what I will make happen and if there’s time for the rest, great, if not, then maybe tomorrow morning.

I have to remember not to freak out and to just stay in the present and that’s what will make things start getting better.

Ok.

And it begins. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Comfort Zone

Good Morning!!

Happy Monday!

Ok. Well. Here we are.

I start my new job tomorrow.

I do not have a list for today as I am really trying to move away from that once and for all but I do have some things I want to accomplish.

It’s going to require me getting out of my comfort zone. Let’s be real, anything I do at this point will require me to get out of my comfort zone.

Because I haven’t really pushed myself at all.

I am working on staying present. No more big plans, just do the best I can everyday.

And to stay grateful.

And so…yeah.

I go to spend time with all of my babies yesterday. I went to a movie with my son and then we grabbed some lunch. My youngest got me coffee in the AM. My Rhi came over with a cookie and a gift.

So it was all good.

My youngest works today, but wants to do something special with me when I pick her up from work. So from now until then, everything I do is going to be things that are productive and get me closer to transitioning into this new job and figuring out my life and making it easier.

And for God sake, trying to find some fucking joy. I have been without joy for far too long.

So that’s that and we shall begin.

I hope you have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

On and On and On

Helloooo,

Pffft. The depression really kicked in yesterday. It was crushing. My daughter had a birthday party last night at her and her husbands new house and I was able to go and engage and smile and laugh. I’m so afraid that with this depression, no one will want me around. I’m in the verge of tears always. I’m fighting dark thoughts.

Always.

I am so overwhelmed.

Today is Mother’s Day and I know I have to put on my happy face again.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my children. They are it, my everything.

I hate that depression makes us so self-centered. My pain, my pain, my pain.

Ugh!

You guys, I keep saying I need help.

There is insurance after 60 days at this job but with such a low wage, I’m afraid of how on earth I’ll be able to afford it. And it makes me hate the 1% even more. They have no idea what us mere mortals go through.

No matter what, my happy face HAS to stay on at this new job. I am hanging on to hope that this whole experience has a deeper place in my life that I can’t see yet.

Hope is so hard.

But there has to be a way out of this. 

There has to be. There is no quality of life other than shitty quality feeling these things.

Why be here if this is it?

But. I go on. I go on and on and on and on.

I will try to have some kind of day other than a shitty one. 

I’ll just try to turn this frown upside down.

Alright.

To you Mom’s; You are everything. 

Happy Mother’s Day.

I hope you are spoiled and made to feel acknowledged and loved.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My Star Still Shines

Good Morning!

It’s amazing to me what can change in a day and what can stay the same.

I got a job offer. It’s the one I was hoping for.

The pay…it’s low.

In a matter of two weeks, I went from the highest paying job I’ve ever had to the lowest.

However, I refuse to look at this as anything other than a huge opportunity.

An opportunity to learn, to fix my shit, to be present in this and to experience this.

My boss, she’s a very kind person. I sense no underlaying anger in her, I sense no drama…in the interview, she was very kind, she answered all my questions, she was forthcoming…all the things I’ve wanted.

I need to focus on that, like that’s where my gratitude must come from and where it must rest in.

Ok, so what now? I need to file bankruptcy asap but it’s expensive so I need to figure that out, also asap.

I need to get a second job.

I need to stay consistent with YouTube and Willow’s Whimsy. That part at least will start with some research on how to get my products advertised (free of cost).

So that’s it.

No other big plans, no lists, no driving myself crazy. I need to learn this time to stay in the present and to let it unfold naturally.

Right now, presence is everything.

I honestly believe that there is where I will find success; in the now.

I think I wrote about the dream I had of dad, the one where he was telling my sister and my kids not to worry because there was a plan for me and he was holding a piece of paper that the plan was written on.

Well yesterday, I had said to Dad that I needed a bit more information because I was floundering…and struggling to believe his message. My bio mom called and as I was talking to her, a cardinal landed not 6 feet from my car; a male and a female. I see cardinals for Dad, he loved them.

And so I saw this pair and it just hit me like a ton of bricks because I had just asked him to come again and there he was.

I went back inside and I had gotten the job offer.

I continue to be blown away at the power of love and connection after death. This is something truly believe in.

So.

I am relieved but still stressed. 

But at least I’m able to have a glimmer of hope as well…and a willingness to continue on.

It’s better to burn out, than to fade away.

My star still shines.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie