Love & Gratitude

Annnnd…muthaf*ckin’ blog #2.

I try to steer clear of twofers but it is what it is.

I started thinking of all the people who have helped me. There are so very many.

And I thought…I’m sitting here writing about offing myself and trying to come to terms with what that will mean to the people who love me.

And I did have a plan, I’ve been clean off my DOC for 3 and a half years but I know exactly where to score what I needed to have a peaceful death and I was gonna do it this Thursday when rent was due.

Yes. That’s where this has brought me to.

But then…my daughter came in my room last night and I was able to cry about all this…finally and to tell her I’m sorry because she has been doing her part, this bullshit is all me and I was able to tell her I’m sorry.

So that helped.

I’m blessed she doesn’t hate me.

Then we cried together today and had a great talk. And we came up with a possibility and I made a call and we’re out of here. If we get out soon enough, we avoid eviction.

It’s even possible I might be able to add this to my bankruptcy.

Fuck it,, ya know? 

I have to be a little cold about this because the reality is cold. The reality sucks ass, head and hole but we have to survive.

So yeah…

Fuck it. I don’t have a second to waste so I’ve been going through my clothes. I need boxes.

I want the apartment as cleared out as possible by Thursday so I can clean.

I don’t want to be charged anything that can be avoided.

My goal is to be out by this coming weekend.

I’ve got a friend working on boxes for me.

I’m at peace but this brings a new stress. Whatever.

The peace is bigger than the stress. I have been making choices in the past month that I’m proud of.

They are choices that take into consideration the people who love me too.

People who want to help but then feel guilty that they are unable to. I can’t fucking put people through that anymore.

Done.

I have no idea what this will all mean, I have no idea what’s going to happen going forward.

I told my sister, it’s all love and gratitude now, come what may.

Love & Gratitude.

So…

Let the Wild Rumpus Begin!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Inner Dialogue

Good Morning,

So…yesterday. Not good. I think I really do need help, like psychological help.

I have spiraled and it’s dark here and I really don’t like it.

Shame is overwhelming me. I can’t stop thinking about my past, I can’t stop thinking horrible things about myself. The inner dialogue just won’t stop.

I have something that could potentially turn it around but in my current state of mind, I’m not sure.

I want to say this. I love my daughter so much. She came home from my other daughter’s place last night and neither one of us could sleep because it’s so hot in the apartment and she let me talk and cry.

I needed that. Just someone to listen and not freak out on me. Like some people are telling me to put myself in the nut ward. She thinks I need help too and I do but my God, how?

How?

Everything I need to do feels like Mount Everest in front of me and I have to climb it NOW.

I literally have no umph and I feel powerless to stop all this inner ruminating and lethargy.

I don’t want to die but I want to die if that makes sense.

I want my circumstances to die.

I gotta be who I want to be right NOW; not tomorrow, not next week, not when this or that happens, NOW.

It’s hard.

I got myself back into watching those near death experience videos and some of them make me mad.

I need to stop and accept that I’ll figure out what happens when I die when I die.

But for today; I need to shower and brush my teeth because I haven’t in a few days. 

I need to pick up. Somehow I need to get kitty litter and food.

I have very little money and I think I need to rent a storage locker to put our stuff in. I don’t know how the fuck I’m gonna do this without a car but here we go.

I’m besides myself but time to pick up the big girl panties.

Now I’m crying again so I’m gonna go before I spiral down the drain.

I hope you all have a great day. Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

So So Close

Hi Everyone,

Sigh.

I can’t sleep.

I know from the outside looking in, how sad I must seem; my entire life is a story of one bad choice after another and it is. I mean, we must be honest. But the thing I wish I could make people understand is that very little of this has been intentional. I know it seems like it’s been intentional but it’s not. It’s like I’ve been driven by something that’s so much bigger than bad choices. It’s as if I haven’t been able to help or stop myself in spite of knowing how wrong my choices have been.

I don’t point the finger anymore because I feel like I was born this way; I was born with a broken heart. The anger can be explained now. You know, the borderline stuff but underneath it was this sensitive, caring little girl who just…could never see what was good and who was driven by impulses that she never really did figure out.

I was born hating myself and never feeling that I was worthy of good things.

And I am still that little girl. I am much softer now than I was so long ago. I only want the best for the people I love so much. 

When I was younger, I’m sure I had delusions of grandeur but I was never able to achieve any of my dreams.

Never.

So many opportunities that I just let go, that I turned my back on.

While I fully understand what I look like from the outside, this is not me.

I’m still a girl with dreams. They are much simpler dreams now but still, yes, I dream.

And always ending up right where I am now.

I do think the past two years, while still struggling with those internal things, I just couldn’t catch a real break; these ridiculous jobs working for ridiculous humans. Not getting hired quickly. Not being able to find a normal job with normal people and one thing after another just coming at me. 

I feel like the past two years have been not only my internal stuff but external stuff too, one after another punch to the throat. Punch, punch, punch.

Yes, there is a part of me that wishes I could get a break, some boon from the Universe, I also know that it’s not realistic. I’m so grateful for the help I’ve always received. Oh my God, the people put in my path and in my life have been amazing. My heart is so full.

I am blessed.

There are so many people who have helped over the years, I’m sure I can’t even remember them all. I know I don’t.

There’s so much more I could say but I’m so tired now.

I see things so differently now. I don’t like death but I’m not as affected by it as others. I miss people, I mourn that they are no longer here but I also believe some pretty weird things about death.

I’m pretty sure there’s something else after. All the things with mom and dad. I just…it seems likely to me that there’s something after and it’s not anything like what we think it is. And it’s not a final judgment thing.

And if I’m wrong about that, then I believe that we just stop.

But there’s beauty in that too because there are some of us who this whole thing has been exceedingly hard for, this whole life thing.

People want to look for reasons and apply psychology but some of us just suffer. We don’t want to, I don’t want to but I’m not up for struggling anymore. I’m so fucking tired and I’m like the energy bunny, I keep going but I’m like a maniacal one; yeah, I keep going but it’s in circles.

And those circles have created grooves so deep, I could never pull myself out; grief, remorse, shame, regret.

I need help to get off the train I’ve always been on. And I’ve gotten help, I’m the help me girl after all but I need big help. And that’s not going to happen and I’m just so tired.

This last job broke me. Knowing there are people in this world like that woman I worked for, that broke me. Losing the car is embarrassing and humiliating and it broke me.

We are about to lose our apartment and I’m not up to going through that.

I’m willing to make the changes, I have been working on that but I’m a slow goer.

I can’t go through this. My daughter and my cats…I can’t put them through this anymore.

I’m so tired.

I don’t have another cycle of this bullshit in me.

I just don’t.

Life is precious, I have experienced precious people, precious things, precious feelings but I’ve also lived under the shadow of something more powerful than I and that’s this inability to take those energizer batteries out, to stop going in circles, to love myself as much as I love others. It’s the inability to get over this inner hurt I seem to have been born with. I simply have carried it too long.

People say that the choice to stop playing this game is a selfish one, but I think that we’re so conditioned, we can’t see that it’s selfish to want to keep people here who don’t want to be here; who suffer for reasons unknown, who are tired and weary.

Do I want to live? I would love to but not like this, this isn’t living, this is constant struggle. I just can’t go through this any longer and I can’t put anyone through this any longer.

And my struggles hurt people. They certainly hurt their wallets, my struggles.

I got nothing.

I love my children and my family and my friends. I am grateful for the beauty and the kindness, the laughter and generosity. I am blessed and I feel that with every ounce of my soul.

But I can’t do this again. I can’t go on this way. I just can’t.

As generous as everyone has always been with me, don’t selfishly ask me to stay when I tell you I don’t want to.

I just can’t keep doing this. Don’t ask me to when I am just so tired, when I got nothing.

I miss mom and dad so much I sometimes can’t stand it. 

I feel them next to me. They are so close. 

They are so so close.

Denise

A Whole Day

Good Morning!

How is everyone? I’m ok…so so.

Freaking out.

The weirdos are bugging me.

Telling me I suck. Telling me I deserve nothing good.

Well.

Fuck the weirdos.

Fuck the way my brain works.

I did a short today on why do I punish myself?

I say that in reference to yesterday. I met with two friends for coffee. And then we went shopping. I shopped, it was for food but was gifted the food.

I’m so grateful.

Then my sister came over. Oh my god, she brought the most beautiful little dog with her. Well not little, lol.

She’s fostering her. And this girl is so perfect. She’s sweet.

I am asking the Universe to align for my sister and make it so that she could keep this girl.

My sister is married so of course it has to be agreeable to both people.

I get that.

But to see the joy on her face made me happy for her.

But I punished myself for yesterday by letting the weirdos in. “You’re selfish. You went out with friends and had your sister over when you need to be applying for jobs.”

There is something to that but can I just also say that being trapped in my apartment with no car is slowly killing me. When I’m alone, the weirdos get even louder.

Yesterday made me feel real again and a part of. I just engaged and I didn’t say a thing about rent or any of that. I let it go for a day.

Is this part of the self sabotage pattern? Am I so invested in hating and punishing myself that I can’t even hold gratitude in my heart for a good day?

I have to find a way to focus first on what’s good and what I’m grateful for.

It’s 9:37. I have a whole day to make a miracle happen.

So I’m gonna go get on that.

Y’all have a great one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Coffee

Good Morning!

I’m up, it’s cold and dark out. I don’t like the dark part so much but y’all know I love the cold.

Knocked it out yesterday.

Applied for jobs, cleaned the house, did laundry. It was good.

One of my favorite things is waking up and the apartment is clean. 

I’m getting picked up at 8 to go have coffee with two of my friends.

It’ll be good to get out of here for awhile. I’m going a bit nuts being trapped without a car.

So yes, I’m so looking forwards to this.

I’m loved and I’m grateful for that.

Alright, I guess I better shower and get myself dressed. Weird having to get ready for something early.

Good practice for when I get a job!!!

I hope you have a good day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light, 

Neecie

My Monster

Good Morning!

Somehow, I am ok today. Yesterday was pretty damn bad.

I ended it though with two calls from besties. The lifers!! Kir and then Beast. I started the day with a call from my girl Tracy.

I am loved, thought of and cared about.

And I am grateful. 

Along with Erin, these girls are making me feel all of the above. 

Check in with your people. They need you!!

I managed to force myself out of bed early this morning. Depression is whack.

I made my bed, put away laundry and meditated.

So…off to a productive start.

My goals today are simple;

Apply for jobs

Clean the apartment

Make bathbombs

Simple.

I got this. I can do that.

I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m fighting the weirdos.

There are some of you who don’t know about the weirdos. For you long timers, I used to refer to them as one entity, which I called my monster.

My monster wants me dead but will settle for me crazy, homeless and destitute.

Even when I’m doing great, my monster is out in the parking lot doing pushups, staying strong and vigilant so he can get me when I crash.

My monster is that part of me that whispers “shame” in my ear, who drives me to self-sabotage and bad choices. My monster is my impulsivity. He is my regret and remorse.

Eh, fuck you Weirdos. Fuck you Monster.

Any of you ever read Cujo? Remember the monster words? I wrote some up for my son when he was little.

Perhaps I will write some up for myself today.

Just be gone.

Okie, well forward is the only way to go right now if I want to keep them at bay.

Have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Happy Ending

Hello.

Happy Monday.

I hit the ground running. I’m currently taking this credit class I put off but has to be done.

My former riomie and good friend is picking me up to run some errands.

I personally want to scream at the moment but won’t.

I have no choice but to experience this. 

We are, or I should say, I am, in the thick of it.

And so I go on.

The past is the past but it’s got its grip on me tight and all I know is I feel better if I stay busy. After the errands are done, I will finish this course and move on the next thing.

Blah blah blah.

I am just trying to make it through all this and pray that there will somehow, someway, be a good ending to all of it.

I want my happy ending.

Not the orgasmic kind, although geez, I might have one when all of this is behind me.

Just from the joy of having gotten through this all.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie