Stay Tuned

Hi Everyone,

Rough day for me. One, I woke up in tears and the panic wants to set in.

Two, I have diarrhea, not the IBS kind, the sick kind.

Three, it’s one of those curl into the fetal position and cry modes. 

All are distracting me to the point of inertia although I did call my auto insurance company and I changed my policy to a special kind of coverage for people who don’t own a vehicle. Rather than my car being insured, I’m insured. It’s weird but if you let insurance lapse, then when you’re ready to get insured again, you start over from scratch.

I do not want that.

So at least I’m saving around $40 a month.

Now, I guess today's theme is no matter how much you are struggling, you can choose to jump back in at any time, it doesn't have to be a wash for the whole day.

So...I know it's going to be hard and I know I might not feel happiness or joy, I do feel that I'll be able to feel gratitude for what I am able to accomplish.

I don't want to write out any goals for today, because I feel that just for today, I'll use it against myself. 

None of that.

I think I forgot to tell you all that the down payment for the attorney is covered. That came unexpectedly and without me asking for it.

That's a huge part of what I have been struggling with. The loan company offered me a deal to get my car back but the problem is, that could be used against me in the bankruptcy.

As of today, I have not won the lottery so the answer has to be no. I don't have the money anyways so...yup, just let that go.

I got an amazing email from someone who has become dear to me over the past 15 years or so and it was filled with support and love and encouragement. You know who you are, and I just want to say thank you.

My brain wants to go to a place of shame over the car and the job but knowing there are people out there who do understand and have maybe experienced similar things to what I was experiencing at this last job, they know.

The pattern is no different and to many, this looks like more of the same but it wasn't, not this time. I can't make other people understand or give me grace, I can only give it to myself and be grateful that some understand.

I sometimes think that people who struggle with status quo, with normal...people like me, if you believe in past life regression, it's like we didn't come here pure, we came here with all sorts of baggage from the past.

All I know for me, is that this past week, I have really been focusing on letting my entire past go, except for happy memories ya know? I'm in today. Regardless of why and regardless of how I view it, vs. how others view it, we are at today and I just want to be present and focuses on what I can accomplish and experience today.

I do want to let you all know that my dear Grey Grey has been very, very sick. I can't afford a vet visit. I know how awful that sounds but I will spend what little I have left to take her somewhere and there are no sliding fee vets nearby.

I am doing the best I can for her, keeping her comfortable, giving her lots of love. I pray this is not the end, but here again, we are not there. We are where we are today. She is not crying out, she's sleeping a lot. There is nothing going on, like seizures or anything like that. She has an upper respiratory is what I'm thinking and so I've been sleeping with the windows shut, not burning incense when I meditate, etc.

Ok, I managed to get one very important thing done.

Annnd I tried something that I will do a full on video about. 

Soon.

At the moment, I am feeling an incredible amount of peace. Believe it or not, to much peace. So I am cozied up and going to take a nap.

And hopefully when I get up, I’ll be able to get even more done.

Stay tuned.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Holy Monday Batman

Good Morning!

It’s still Monday but I decided to blog as I go through today.

One thing I need to do is stay in reality. Another thing I need to do is prioritize. We all know what my priority is right now.

It’s 10:07 and I did hear from my boss and she acted normal.

So I’m grateful for that and I’m allowing myself to let the negative self talk go and to feel the relief that that situation is behind me.

Relief is good. I’m able to smile in this moment.

This WILL be my last day of smoking and I’m giving up coffee too. I don’t need it.

I also know that I’ll be struggling with sleep again so I’m going to going to allow myself to stay up until 10 tonight and try and sleep til 6 but if I don’t, I’ll stay in bed until 5 and then I’ll get up. 

I’m ok.

10:24

Outside smoking, sitting in the grass and feeling the breeze. It feels so good. It was in the upper 80s the last two days. In Minnesota. The weather is the thing that really scares me. This isn’t normal. But I have no control over it and today it’s cooler and I’m listening to the breeze, feeling it blow through my hair.

And I’m grateful for the cool down.

I should mention I took a shower and washed my hair because I was so amped up on anxiety this weekend, I didn’t do either and I stunk.

So..ya know….that helps.

It is 11:43. I filled out and submitted an application to a job I’m capable of but that is terrifying.

I opted not to include my most recent employment for obvious reasons.

Next I am going to do some yoga and meditation and then I’ll resume my job search.

I did my yoga and it felt freaking amazing. I still have most of my flexibility just not so great on the strength part. My legs and arms were shaking. So then I did 10 minutes of meditation and really worked on just staying present and not letting my mind drift.

My daughter got up and we talked. She makes me so happy. I’m very proud of her, of who she is and how she proceeds through this thing called life.

I’m outside having a smoke. Next more job search and maybe some food.

So this is where things get hairy. If a job is not directly on a bus line, I can’t take it. I also need to find out where I would get picked up out here. The trains were shut down so that’s not an option. 

There are actually a lot of wonderful opportunities, but I would have to Uber and I would be in the same situation. I was at in my current or I should say most recent job. So for now, it’s either downtown Minneapolis, or within a 5 mile area of where I currently live.

Some of these jobs are really scary because of a couple things. One is that my appearance is nowhere near the level of professionalism that I think these jobs would require. A lot of my clothes don’t fit so I worry about that. As far as my hair and makeup, I’m not worried about that.

There are also a ton of different things I would be doing and that scares me.

Like I said, I have come to the conclusion that it either has to be on a bus line or within 5 miles so some of these jobs that are so intimidating, I don’t even have to worry about.

I have a neighbor who lives in the same complex, and I have been waiting for him to come outside, because I don’t know where he lives. Like which apartment he’s in. He told me about a company that’s very nearby and this would be an interim job, it would not be a permanent solution for me, but it would get me working and I’d be working from home. He told me about it sometime ago, but I really need to talk to him about it and ask him for his last name so I can say so-and-so told me about this when I call them. It’s literally a five minute drive from here. I couldn’t walk, like for an interview or if I had to go in, I would have to take an Uber, but like I said, I’d be working from home for the main part of my schedule.

If I don’t see him tomorrow, I’m going to go to the office because he is the uncle of one of the girls who works there and she’ll tell me where to find him. He’s just usually out and about you know?

So I think I will apply for the job that’s downtown Minneapolis and then I’ll shift my focus to some other things for the day.

Ok, I have NOT done the application yet but I cleaned the kitchen, I folded and put away my clean clothes. 

I am now watching an episode of Project Runway Allstars.

I would like to give myself a shower, take out the garbage and apply for that job but we shall see.

My friend Tracy messaged me as did my friend Karen and both held support and love for me. So more to be grateful for…and I am.

Well. I gave myself a facial, took out 4 bags of garbage, showered again, did my evening hair care and skincare.

I also dumped the dirty kitty litter, scrubbed the boxes and put fresh litter in.

I’m sitting now. I’m going to make a list for tomorrow and read until my daughter gets home.

It was important for me today to stay busy and to try and do a little bit of everything that I felt to stressed to do while I was at this prior job and just felt to tired to do.

This is an opportunity to put my money where my mouth is and to make my time count while I have a bit more of it.

I feel like today was a great start.

I do know that getting all these things done is fabulous, but I must keep in mind that the biggest priority is getting a job.

Thanks so much for reading all of this. I do believe I’ll be hitting 20,000 hits on this blog this month,

Thank you!!!

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Right Now

So I went back to sleep. And I didn’t set my alarm and I told myself that if I when I woke up would determine my decision.

And I woke up at 8AM.

So there you have it.

Because of my history and the shame that comes with it, I struggle deeply with these kinds of things because in the past, I have been impulsive, I have been irresponsible and I have had a complete and utter lack of gratitude for the help I’ve received.

First, above all else, I am grateful. I grateful to the point it makes me overwhelmed. Love, feeling like I don’t deserve that love and yet, still accepting it and not questioning it.

Second, I had to say yes to myself this time. I had to put my past aside and I had to put myself first and ask myself what I’m capable of and what I’m not and being told day after day after day how wrong you are…having someone question you constantly on your life and pass judgement on it and give you unsolicited advice that doesn’t take into account your situation…I couldn’t do it anymore. This was not life or death but it was succeed or fail because when you are beat up constantly and you take it and you are not allowed to respond and so you swallow it because this person has power over you…you know, she was my money essentially, you get drained.

You get drained and you get exhausted and you get depressed and you become hopeless.

And I have tried. I tried so hard. And I bit my tongue constantly because you all know that Denise Motherfucking Johnson is feisty, so there were responses, most of them being, “ For the love of God, will you please just shut up. Just, for 2 seconds…shut the fuck up. Will you find someone else to pick on.”

But I didn’t say those things.

I’m glad I didn’t. If I would’ve lost it, now that would’ve been old behavior. Once I let the monster out, the monster has a way of taking over and it wouldn’t have been good.

Then I would’ve been to blame.

Then I would’ve owned a piece of this and I would’ve hurt myself in the process.

Deeply. I would’ve hurt myself deeply.

I got out of there with my dignity intact.

I got to keep my dignity even though she treated me like I had none.

The past is the past and going forward, I need to focus on who Denise is. On who I’d like her to be. I may have one day on this planet or I may have 30 years.

But each day, I need to work towards who Denise is. I’m looking forward to getting to know her.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Eggshells & Anxiety

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I’ve been up for about an hour now; going to the bathroom with dry heaves, diarrhea and shaking.

It’s anxiety.

This job.

The thought of having to go in and having her at me all day trying to find out about my car and giving me advice that I don’t ask for and that is completely unrealistic. 

And bitching at me for any little thing.

I have wavered in this job; at times liking it and liking her but these last two weeks, I just can’t even explain.

I’ve never worked with anyone so un-self-aware. She is so mean. 

And I’ve been walking on eggshells for so long and didn’t even realize it.

Not until the last couple weeks.

I’m tortured right now because of past decisions and actions and knowing all the things that make me me. I’m trying to say that I’ve written about being poo pooed by people for my big emotions and written off and not taking me seriously but now I’m doing it to myself.

This is awful.

Do I spend 80.00 dollars today to make $61?

Please explain that math to me. I’m losing money. I’m not making it.

This doesn’t make any sense.

Does it?

Does it make sense to spend $80.00 dollars to make $61 when I’m also agreeing to her treatment of me?

I can’t escape her there. We work in the same space. So I’m spending $80 to make $61 and to get treated like shit for it as well?

I’m going to try and get back to sleep. It’s 4AM now.

I don’t know what to do?

Neecie

I Get to Speak My Truth

 Good Morning,

Oh. You guys. I have felt every emotion there is to feel in the past 24 hours. I've felt sad, I've felt overwhelmed, I've felt scared, grateful, angry and anxious.

If you don't know already, if you don't watch my Willow's Whimsy YouTube Channel, please do. I am getting closer to realizing the first of many goals with this channel, being my hitting 1000 subscribers. I need this more than ever right now, if nothing else, to give me hope that something I do has meaning.

Anyways, I mentioned yesterday and today that my car got repossessed by the loan company. I'm letting it go, they want 6K to get it back and the car isn't worth that.

So I have to let it go.

So I have no car. 

And this brings up the question of do I keep this job or not?

I think first I'll tell you what's been going on and maybe try and pick that apart.

My boss is horrible. She's not a nice person. She is the type who will raise her voice and say horrible things to you and accuse you in a way that says, "I'm right so don't even argue." And she overrides anything you say as if it doesn't have meaning, it doesn't matter, the only things that matters in her world, is her opinion. It's the only one that is true.

She's just awful. I went back and forth for a long time, kind of liking her. She's an anomaly because she'll be really nice but then she'll just turn on you and rip you a new asshole and not even let you defend yourself.

Case in point; she is OCD about stapling and how the paperwork is stapled. And one time, I used a paper clip because I wasn't sure and she fucking lost it and she shamed me. And she yells so the guys in the other office can hear her. She's a very loud woman. It was like the scene in Mommy Dearest, "YOU USED THE WIRE HANGERS."

You guys, this was over a paperclip.

I've had several health issues and prior to the car getting taken, it had broken down and I busted my ass to make it to work in spite of all that. I have the receipts. I have screenshots of all the Ubers I took and how much it cost me to get there. I have screenshots of emails and texts making arrangements to have people pick me up. And she calls me unreliable. Unreliable. For things that I have no control over, like the car and yes, the health things are probably the result of choices I have made and have chosen to ignore the consequences and I did have to miss work but I brought in notes, and I brought in the hospital records showing the dates I was there and still that word; unreliable.

Would someone unreliable pay $80.00 a day that they don't have to get to work? Would someone unreliable do everything in their power, including putting up dramatic posts on FB to try and get rides from people so I don't have to pay this kind of money. Would someone exhausted after being taken by Ambulance to the emergency room for a medical crisis at 2AM and getting released at around 8AM, beg on FB for someone to come pick her up and take her home so that she could get out of her pajamas and go into work? How the fuck does that make me unreliable? Unreliable.

No empathy whatsoever for anyone else. She's a big but girl and you all know how I feel about the big buts. "I mean, I know this is hard for you and I feel for what you're going through but I need you to be reliable."

Yet this woman takes entire days off when her kids are home from school, she has called in twice herself since I've been there because one of her kids was sick but you don't hear me going, "Oh, I mean, I understand it's hard when they get sick but I need you to be reliable."

She does not lead by example, she leads by "Do as I say and not as I Do."

I get lectures every time I do something wrong, instead of a helpful correction. Yes, I do things wrong. Oh my God, I can admit that. Oh my God, I'm human. You would NEVER get an admission from her. I guess you can't from a person who "never makes mistakes of her own" and I've seen them, for sure they are not as numerous as mine but I bite my tongue, which is not like me, I do say I'm sorry because I actually am, this woman hasn't been sorry for a single thing in her life, because again, she does no wrong. 

The other day, I had to admit something embarrassing and at the end of the day, because I'm accountable, what I did was wrong but when I deal with people who have done something wrong, let the punishment fit the crime and I'll explain.

About two months after I started, she wasn't in, she almost always waltzes in around 10, though she has occasionally been there as early as 9:30. Her big thing is that she's always working, even when she's at home and yeah, you know, she does. She just doesn't do it to the extent that she wants people to think because you know, "I work so hard, I work harder than anyone else, even if I'm not there and I have 3 kids 5 and under who distract me and who have all sorts of evening sports, etc." 

But I digress. This employee came in and was looking for something in the supply cabinet. The supply cabinet is opposite my boss's desk but on the same side of the office as her if that makes sense.

There are file cabinets next to the supply cabinet. I was never told to stay out of those or that the supplies didn't spill over into these cabinets. So I looked in them to see if any of them had supplies because this person couldn't find what he was looking for. I was trying to be proactive so she wouldn't shame me later for not knowing. She's a big shamer, this one. It's brutal. Again, I don't usually take this kind of stuff seriously and I have known for quite awhile that I need to find a different job, I became complacent for a whole lot of reasons that didn't serve me; things like low self-esteem, laziness, feelings of anxiety about the application/interview process and because her abuse happens on the daily, I have become quiet. I don't even try to explain myself because she won't listen, she shuts you down, she overrides you. And she degrades and shames you. And somewhere in this, I let myself become a victim to her and of her. 

But again, I digress. When I opened the other file cabinet drawers, I quickly realized that there were no supplies in there. What I did see was a bag of candy, chocolates. So...even though a little voice in me was telling me not to, I took a few of them and over the past few months, I've taken more of them and then there were none left and I decided I better get her a new bag.

So I did and I put it where the other candy was.

And she flipped the fuck out.

There was a coworker there while this went down and she told me the bigger issue is not that I took her candy (yes it is actually), but that I went through her personal space. She told me I was disgusting and NOT OK. She completely shamed, degraded, humiliated and embarrassed me. In front of this other coworker.

I'm gonna unpack this. At the end of the day, I was wrong but let me just say this. I never rifled around that file cabinet to see what else was there. I never dug through her things. My only focus was that candy. Still wrong but hold me accountable for what I did do instead of jumping to horrible, incorrect assumptions and voicing them in a voice timbre that could shatter glass. You don't get to accuse me of something and not let me defend myself. But noone gets to defend themselves ever with her. Noone. I have seen this played out over and over and over again with other employees. 

She lives to shame people. She has no time to consider other opinions, she is just always right and she will shame you even more if you try to defend yourself and completely override you.

There is only her opinion, there is only her beliefs.

If I was looking through her things, I mean my answer to that is why would I do that? She has nothing I want. If I were going to "rifle through" anything, it'd be the petty cash drawer. Duh.

I'm so paranoid about her nastiness, that when a customer pays with cash, I attach a sticky note to it with the customers name and the invoice number so she knows I actually gave it to her. I even take pictures of it with my phone because she's certifiably, undeniably, psychotic.

I have had numerous people now tell me to sue her for a hostile work environment. All I want is to get out of there.

You know, she loves to talk about my life and give her opinions on all these awful things that I've gone through lately. She is without consideration for reality. Again, because she chooses not to listen. 

And none of what she thinks I should do or change or what have you, is aligned with what the good people in my life tell me. The people who love me. 

I gotta tell ya, I spoke to a good friend last night and she wasn't mean, but she shared some things with me that a friend should be able to say. She said these things with love and care and consideration for my feelings. And the things she said, though difficult to hear, were the complete opposite of what my boss says to me. Because my boss doesn't really know me, she doesn't know what makes me, me. She doesn't know my life and my history and my struggles and my fucking ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND the battles I've fought and won.

She fired the woman who was in my position before me. She told me all sorts of things about her and one of the things she said is that this woman changed overnight, that she one day she just stopped speaking to her (my boss) and that she started making all kinds of mistakes, etc.

I already know what happened because I'm living it now. And my heart goes out to this woman. I googled her and I found her address but you have to pay for her phone number and I'm not going to do that but I have her address and as soon as someone can take me to that address, I'm going to ring the doorbell and have a talk with her. And I'm going to tell her how sorry I am, because I judged her without knowing anything about her, I judged her based on what my boss said but now I'm in a position of not wanting to speak to her regarding anything other than work and how do I tell her that. I'm so beat up and feel so abused at this point, that I'm afraid the old me will come out, the one who clocked a bitch and put her in her place. She gets so nasty and so loud and is so mean but she has no clue what still lives inside of me and the fact that those demons are being stirred up and awoken, that's on her. 

I'm using all my tools but someone can only take so much and I'll speak on that in a moment. I just have one more thing to talk about.

She's evil.

I feel like I've been working with Satan.

I have to be very, very careful here. You'll notice I'm not using names. 

Some of you are my friends and you know those details but the mass readership, you understand why those things, names and identifying information, must be kept confidential.

She has...someone in her life...who she speaks about often. If an outsider were to hear her speaking, they would assume that my boss hates the person she tells me about and bitches about on a daily basis.

I'll give her, my boss, this; she paints a pretty convincing picture at first, until you start to experience her abuse personally...she paints a gooooood picture. And for some reason, she choose to share with me a detailed IQ report on this person and I still can't quite figure out what her motives in doing so were. Because rather than convince me of anything against the person she clearly resents and hates so much, my heart broke for that person and I was ashamed of myself for believing my boss. I cried when I got home that day. Like, part of me wonders if I should report this to someone. This person doesn't function per what society would deem the norm but that report spoke volumes to me and my heart softened and so I don't want to be subjected to my boss's tirades against this person anymore. I don't know how to tell her to stop though because she's so vicious. 

Clearly, I need to find another job and with the car gone, I will be spending $500 a week on Ubers to get there, leaving me with $230.00 per week to pay rent, buy food, pay my other bills, etc.

This is not sustainable but some money is better than no money and I must use this to rouse myself out of my lethargy. I am not good at this job, I've been able, in my life, to obtain administrative work doing the things I excel at...for the most part; writing, creating training, newsletters, calendar management, travel, creating reports, human resources, that kind of thing I've excelled at...this is the second job I've had that A - has lots of little details and no organized training manuals to follow and B - where you have to remember to face this packet like this, this one like that, staple this one this way, staple this one that way, put this with that but not with that, that or that...she has OCD too and it shows in her the way she organizes. 

Everyday, I am supposed to raise the blinds right next to my desk but there is a horrible sun glare in the  morning and I can't see my computer but if she comes in early enough, she'll go right over and lift the blinds up, even though I've fucking asked her not to, not until the sun is completely past the window.

Evil.

Fucked Up.

Pyscho.

Mean.

Still. If I am a victim, it is because I've allowed myself to be one. No more. I'm Denise Motherfucking Johnson. This bitches days of having power and control over my feelings and worse yet, how I feel about myself...those are over. Done. She can fire me. Unlike my predecessor, I have receipts and I have am documenting everything. From here on out, it all goes on paper.

Might not ever need those notes. If I do, they might not mean anything to unemployment or to court but I'll know.

So, there you have it.

I think you're all up to speed.

I was offered help with the bankruptcy today.

And it made me think...just take the fuckin' Ubers to work, use the energy of gratitude for all the amazing help I've gotten and just...use that energy to find a new job as quickly as possible. If it's on a busline, I'll work farther away but otherwise, it has to be here in my current county so that these Ubers don't kill me. 

I'll worry about a car soon enough.

Now is not that time.

Not with what's about to happen to me financially.

Yes, I'm super scared and not gonna lie, I wish for a miracle and maybe I should tell the Universe hey, I expect a miracle and you know, just do all the right things until it finally shows up but you know, they happen constantly for me. People help me. I am loved and cared for every fucking day.

I have been given money, I have been given food...so many people who know what this woman is paying me....they know it's not sustainable and so...we get food, we get gas cards, we get money. I am blessed and blessed and blessed. And I don't understand why people love me, I don't. I don't understand why people want to help me but I'm humbled by it and so grateful. 

And it's this that keeps me going. I'm not talking about all the gifts, I'm talking about the love and respect of my peers, of my family and my friends.

I am blessed beyond measure with love. My cup is full and soon, hopefully, Gods willing, so too, will be my wallet.

Biggest love to all of you.

Thank you for the kind responses I get here and the support.

From here on out, while I will share what's hard, I'm going to also really try to focus on solution.

But today, I needed to get the poison out because it's threatening to take me down.

Can't keep it inside.

Thank you so S, E, L, G & H for listening to me cry last night and again today and for loving me so much.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Don't Even Know...WTF

Hello…

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

I got nothing and at the same time, I got everything.

My car got repoed.

I called the attorney and he said that to get it back, I will have to pay the value of the car, which is around 6K.

So the car is gone for good and I need to pay the attorney immediately so garnishments don’t begin.

I am not going to lie. I want to quit this job. I want to walk the fuck out now. I hate this job. I can’t stand my boss. She’s consumed with herself and has no boundaries in how she treats other people.

And you know, oh my God, I am not one to take shit but not only have I taken it from this horrorshow of a woman, I have eaten it.

I’m eating shit.

Everyday.

Fuck this.

I want my mom. I do, I want my mom.

But she went to heaven.

So did my dad.

And here I am. And I am completely overwhelmed and have no idea what the right thing to do is.

My boss humiliated and degraded me yesterday. I have to get out of here.

At some point, doesn’t this have to balance out? Can the Universe be done picking on me for awhile? Go pick on someone who deserves it.

I called the cops to find out if I had to report the car just in case it was stolen and they actually were able to confirm that it was the loan company.

So fuck them.

I get it.

I’m not mad at the loan company, I’m mad at myself.

I just…I make shit for money. How the fuck am I supposed to pay the attorney when I have NO MONEY?

I have been circling the drain for so long and just fucking holding on in each situation and I can see the end goal, it’s right there but I can’t fucking get there because the current pulling me under is to fucking strong.

I want to quit. I want to just grab my purse and walk out of here right now. I don’t even care if it’s the fucking hood. I want to start walking and just walk somewhere…anywhere.

I don’t want to be here.

My heart is pounding, I want to throat punch someone (my boss preferably) and just fly. Just fly.

I don’t want to work for someone who is no empathy in her whatsoever. She bitches about her stepdaughter who is autistic all the time and it’s fucking cruel.

But I pretend to be supportive.

You can’t say anything to my boss. She overrides you. She’s awful.

Please God, get me OUT of here.

I DON’T want to be here anymore.

I don’t know what else to say. I got nothing but ick that wants to come out.

If I get through this day without walking out of here permanently, it will be nothing short of a  miracle. My boss is going to be in late this morning and she better keep her fat fucking yap shut.

At this point, I’m fine with going to jail. It would be worth it to clock the bitch.

Ok…ok.

I’m out.

Be Blessed.

Seriously, be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Why Am I Obsessed Over This

 

Hi Everyone,

Good Morning.

So far, my morning has been quiet. Something felt different when I got up this morning. Better. Calmer.

Not that it’s been wild or anything like that but a sense of calm and a sense of being fulfilled in the moment.

I’m not used to sitting in, and being present in, any given moment. But I let myself feel it, I didn’t try to stir things up within my mind. I just took it in.

And I liked it.

It’s been a still day. I suppose that could change but I’m not going to look for it to.

One thing that has weighed heavy on my mind, but that I haven’t come to any conclusion about is Christa Pike. It’s a touchy subject.

I don’t want to replay her crime here, it was horrible. There’s no contesting that part of things. She also was charged with attempted murder and I believe found guilty, in prison. But if you actually do the research, it seems likely that she was defending another prisoner. It wasn’t a random attack.

I mean, I wasn’t there, I don’t know.

Anyways, she was supposed to be put to death last week and she is literally the first person to survive two attempts in a row, to kill her using pentobarbital. They tried twice because that’s what the protocol calls for. She had appealed and applied for clemency but she had also asked that they consider hanging her or shooting her because she legit has issues with her veins.

What she experienced was legit a kind of torture.

And then, they rushed her to the hospital where she was expected not to make it but shockingly, she did.

One of the things that people for the death penalty have been screaming about, is that all this attention is going to Christa and not the victim, Colleen Slemmer.

I have been leaning towards no death penalty. And it’s not that I don’t care what that girl had to endure before she died, I do, it’s too much to contemplate or fully take in because it’s so awful, but there are a lot of things that led up to t he rage Christa experienced.

Things that were not Colleen Slemmer’s fault and that she had nothing to do with. Her mother drank alcoholically during her pregnancy with her, she was sexually abused as a toddler, she was beaten a LOT, then she was sexually assaulted again and one year prior to the murder, she was pulled off the street and raped by a stranger.

I know the arguments here. Many people go through horrific childhoods and they don’t grow up to do these things. I acknowledge that and I get it.

Still. I just feel…two wrongs don’t make a right, let her spend her life in prison. No parole, no way out.

Why can’t that be enough?

And did the torture Christa went through with the botched execution even come close to what Colleen experienced? I have serious doubts.

Still.

But here’s what gets me everytime I try to turn this over in my mind; if it was one of my girls, my sisters, my mom, my besties? I’d want to kill her myself. Like…let me at her.

I know rage. I know abandonment.

Christa is me minus the sexual abuse stuff.

But the rage and how the rage can come upon you in just the right (one could argue wrong) set of circumstances and it boils over, it consumes you.

I just…I don’t know.

Two days ago, they said she was brain dead and was going to be removed from the ventilator the next day, and then yesterday, she woke up.

Is that a God thing? The crazy Christians don’t think so. They’re picky about their miracles. I say Crazy, meaning the ones who claim Jesus but live nothing like how he lived or what he preached.

I do think she’s a miracle. And I’m not a born again anything, I’m not a “God” type of girl. But I do think she’s a miracle, and a warning.

But then…again…what it was someone I loved? That’s changes the playing field drastically.

It’s hard, this is hard stuff.

Why am I wasting my time on this? I have no idea why this story has affected me so much. I guess because I can relate to Christa on some level.

There’s something about her.

The girls who killed Shanda Sharer? I don’t feel the same way. All of them have been released after serving time according to who did what, but at least one of them should’ve received the death penalty as far I’m concerned. And her life was horrid too.

This is why I could never make a good argument either way.

Time to let it go.

Time to just let it go.

But I am doing ritual on the 31^st and I may speak on this…in my circle, alone with my idea of that which is greater than I.

I just had to write it all out, because I’ve been a bit obsessive about it and it’s time to let go, like I just wrote.

So we are in for 3 bizarrely warm days. I’m not a happy camper about that but it is what it is and supposedly, it’ll plummet right back down to my happy temps after the 3 days.

Sheesh.

I don’t know how, but I resisted picking today. I have a gaping wound on my arm that started out as two separate wounds and now are almost one.

This is terrible. I wish I could stop. But I resisted long enough to get to work and to put some anti bacterial stuff on it and get it covered with a bandaid. I have an ouch on my lower arm and my leg too. I picked at the one on my leg but didn’t do too much damage. I hate that I have this thing.

At the end of all that, yeah, it’s so far been a good, calm day.

I love envisioning the day I can walk out of here for the last time.

It’s not an anger thing anymore, I ask humbly, to whoever is in charge of this thing called life, they he/she/it/they remove from this current experience and provide me with one more in line with my financial needs and what I’m good at doing.

Thank you.

Ok, have a good day everyone.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie