Losing It

It’s 2:54 in the morning. I’ve been up for about an hour and a half. My ear hurts. I even had to poop. Everything about my body and its habits is changing. I used to be able to count on only going number 2 in the morning. Now it’s the mother loads in the morning and then little guys on and off all day and apparently now in the middle of the night.

And no sleep. So then I cry.

I just want to sleep.

Ok I’m back. I was so pissed off about the sleep thing and my resting heart rate going up so ridiculously high that I ripped off my Fitbit. I’m done.

I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. I went to bed on time. I finally turned the light on and read for a while and then I noticed a spider on my ceiling. I watched him or her for quite a while, hoping they would come down on the wall so I could get at them. I finally went to the bathroom and when I came back, there was no spider. I figured that it got on my bed.

But because it wasn’t massive, and because I was so flipping tired, I decided I don’t care and I’m just gonna go to sleep, but as I reached over to turn my light off, there it was on my pillow, so I flicked it off.

You guys, this not sleeping thing is not good. All I do is cry. That, and I seem to be having a visit down the past. I think about so many things and I feel so bad about who I used to be and some of the things I did that hurt people.

I have to stop this.

I have to get some sleep. It’s funny, because I do get sleep sometimes, but it needs to be consistent because I’m losing my shit psychologically.

I have to go, I have to get to work, but I hope you all have a good day and just know that we’re reaching the point where I am finally willing to do some things consistently to help myself.

The good news is that I don’t seem to want to self sabotage. No thoughts of revisiting past choices if you know what I mean.

So if I go.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Call the Shit OUT

Good Morning!

I was so worried about the storms they predicted yesterday and nada, not even any thunder.

I think it’s safe to say at this point, that the meteorologists in Minnesota are all smoking crack. 

So a lot happened at work yesterday. 

I got talked to about that fucking spreadsheet I can’t seem to work my head around.

And as my boss was going over it with me, she’s making passive aggressive comments.

I called that shit out.

She ended up telling me that since she’s been with this company, my position has been filled at least 30 times.

So you know what? That told me everything I need to know. I do think I’m struggling and I do think some of it is me and the way my brain works but I also think…hmmmm, 30 times?

Really?

That speak volumes.

Wouldn’t an employer look at that and especially one who worships the almighty dollar the way they do and say, “Wow, this is costing me a Lot.”

Training, and I use that word lightly, costs a company $$. But when you try to take shortcuts with it, that training costs more if you lose the employee.

Look, I told them they’ll have to fire me, that I’m not going to walk out willingly.

Or you know, on my own. I paid my fucking bills this week and I want to pay my rent at the end of the month so I have to keep going.

Whatever.

I don’t know, they might fire me today. They might not. My days of being quiet are over. I’m a fucking human being, I’m not a robot.

I understand why they pay so much now, that’s for sure. Dangle a carrot in front of the horse and the horse will perform. I love horses. I wouldn’t do that to a horse.

Blah fucking blah. I gotta go power get ready.

Pumpkin took a huge shit and I can’t not smell it.

That cat shits the size of a human.

Ha!

One of the many reasons I love her.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Insomnia

Hi Everyone,

I have to be careful what I write today.

Because I’m going through it. 

Big time. 

Saturday night I had a nightmare and that one dream brought up all the ick in me that I’ve been stuffing down. Memories I’d put aside, feelings I’d put aside. Ugh. And just trauma. It’s all right here in the surface.

I didn’t get much sleep.

And so I had a wasted day, other then two conversations, one with my bestie and one with someone in the dream. I’m really glad I called her.

I was on the couch all day, on the verge of tears.

And last night? Another nightmare, a dream about someone else I’ve fallen out of touch with. She was a friend long, long ago.

And so no sleep again.

And tears. Pumpkin comes when I cry and she head bumps me and kisses me. She hates it when I cry.

I think it’s safe to say I’m losing my shit.

So I have to figure out this sleep thing.

Because I have no insurance, I’m going to have to see if I can get a prescription fo the meds I was taking before without seeing the doctor. And I’m gonna start taking the edibles for awhile.

Anything to just sleep.

And as soon as I can find a job with insurance, I’m getting therapy and I’m getting help with this bulkshit sleep fuckery.

I’ve talked about the fact that Xanax is the only thing that ever really worked but no doctor will prescribe it on an ongoing basis anymore.

As far as addiction to it goes…who cares if I get physically addicted or have to increase due to tolerance. I’ve got what? 20 years left? Geez. Help me make them good ones.

As long as I take them as prescribed who cares if I develop a physical addiction? It’s not like I’m 20 and experiencing this.

But I’m Denise Motherfucking Johnson and so I’ll go on.

I do start to have dark thoughts as each night gets worse, and each day gets harder due to lack of sleep.

But the thing is, I don’t really want to leave just yet. I don’t think I ever want to. 

It’s just so hard. All these emotions.

And bear with me as I say this, I think this all came up because I started working. I’m not saying I shouldn’t be working. I think that going through what I just did financially, and feeling so isolated and then all of a sudden, just jumping into this job and having some sense of financial security, I think all of that mixed together brought all of this up. It was the perfect cocktail of bullshit.

And so here we are. And here I am.

And I have to get through this and figure out the sleep thing. It’s number one because without sleep, it will all come toppling down again.

Anyways, I do need to go get ready for work. Mondays are extremely hard at work because I have to catch up on the leads from the weekend and it’s just a lot.

I got this, I can do this.

I hope all of you have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Arse In Me Face

 

Gooooooood Morning Faithful Readers,

I am here to tell you that y'girl got in 8 hours of sleep last night. Don't know how the hell that happened but it did and I'll take it with gratitude.

Pumpkin is on the desk with me with her arse in me face. She's loving on a box of envelopes.

It's my bestie's birthday today. It was right around this time 50 years ago, that our friendship began.

And what a friendship it's been.

I will miss her today as she lives on the west coast.

Wah.

But I do have some fish to fry so to speak and so I'll focus on that. 

There are many things that need to happen today but I'm going into it knowing that they can't all possibly happen. 

I'll just tell ya all about that shit tomorrow after today is behind me.

I would like to just do the fun stuff tomorrow.

We shall see.

So now I go to make my list and prioritize it.

I wish you all a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Manifesting

 

Good Morning!

How is everyone?

I am better than yesterday. So there is that. 

I got my first paycheck and it was a great reminder of why I'm going to continue at this job. I mean, they can fire me but I'm not gonna quit.

I cannot multi-task and this job requires almost 8 hours straight a day of multi-tasking.

Sleep is a big issue for me with this. I'm just better if I can get in over 6 hours of sleep and that only happened once this week. And then there's my resting heart rate which has skyrocketed in the past 2 weeks.

So I'm stressed and well aware.

I just don't fully know what to do about that.

My stomach was acting up yesterday too and I shit all day long. Don't know how else to say that, so better to just be blunt.

It turns out I do want to feel sorry for myself, I do feel like I'm being singled out by the Universe but something occurred to me yesterday.

If you think about manifestation and putting energy into certain things, I keep finding these kinds of jobs because somewhere along the line, I stopped believing I could be successful anywhere else.

This job, for now, is a means to an end.

I can do all the things I am wanting to do and have this job. But once I've achieved certain goals, I'll have built up confidence and I think the Universe will give me something better....I just need to believe I'm worth it.

What you think is what you manifest.

And btw, speaking of energy. I went down the serial killer hole yesterday. Rex Heuerman pled guilty to 8 murders. Although many suspected, based on evidence, that he was the one, he really is the one, the Gilgo Beach serial killer. I don't think he's the last of a dying breed, but I do think he's probably one of the last of the real scary ones, with multiple victims...I'm glad they got him. He's right where he needs to be.

So here we go, another day, another dollar...or two...or three.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

TGIF!!!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Self Pity and the Universe

I am breathing deep.

Oh, and hello.

Something is up with my computer. Not enough time now to go into it or to try and fix it.

I have to get to work and I am lucky that I had enough time to shower and get dressed.

I wanted to get this started on the computer and I'll finish in the car.

I have to do voice texting so things may be spelled wrong and the wrong words inserted.

Just so you know.

I’m at work and I give no fucks. I technically don’t start until our morning meeting.

I am really negative this morning.

There is only one option and that is to get through this job. To apply for others and hang in until I get an offer. 

Please don’t think this is me not being grateful. Gratitude is the reason I’m here today. Gratitude is the reason I’m sticking this out.

It’s ok to feel my feelings. I just can’t act on them. 

I want to ask why? Why can’t I land a job doing what I can and want to do? The stress of this position is giving me heart palpitations. Literally. I woke up at one last night and my heart was racing and I couldn’t catch my breath.

The self pitying part of me wants to think the Universe is punishing me and that this is my karma compass behavior.

At the end of the day, I don’t think I’m that important. The Universe doesn’t have time to wreak revenge upon me.

It just is what it is.

But I want out of this and for once in my life, I have to do this the right way.

I have to push through all this. 

Gotta go.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

A While Bunch of Awwwww F*ck!

Mornin’,

Notice I didn’t say good morning.

How quickly I settle into old habits. Because this job is essentially nine hours of working to a half hour break, I’m exhausted when I get home.

Part of that is that I’m old, part of it is that I’m post menopausal, part of it is that I’m fat, and part of it is just me. I am lazy at my core and I’m very well aware of that.

I’m struggling in the mornings and I’m struggling after work with getting my life in. And it probably seems crazy that I’m looking for a second job but I just need to get this money piece behind me and get money in savings.

In my short today, I brought up the old but familiar pattern of not liking the job that I’m in. And one could say well you’ve only been there for a week, so how do you really know? I know.

I could go on and on about why, but it serves no purpose. And it puts focus on the negative. I have come far enough and gone through enough, and the people I love have gone through it with me, in the last fucking, well actually a lifetime but for sure the last two years.M

I’m not about screwing people over anymore. I owe people who helped me through this money, I owe credit cards money, I owe the loan company money, I owe my old job money. I always feel the need to make sure that people understand I didn’t take any money from my old company. They give us our sick time once a year and I had used mine up before I actually earned it. So now I’m paying that back.

Last night, before we left, the kind of head administrative assistant I guess you’d call her, snapped at me. And I snapped right back. I did not deserve to get snapped at.

There are aspects of this job that I’m getting, but I have only been there for one week and they have this god-awful spreadsheet and I understand where to put the numbers in for the most part but then we have to verify the numbers and that’s where the shit show in my head starts. It is so convoluted the way they do this and it makes no sense to me. I’m not so arrogant that I assume that this would be the case for others as well. But it is the case for me, I do not get it and I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it and it’s supposed to be done every day when I leave, and I haven’t been able to finish it once.

And so I got snapped on, and I snapped back, and I said I was willing to stay later or come in early because she complained that she would have to come in early to do it. Write a fucking standard operating procedure. I have been blown away, I will say this, by the lack of training involved in the last couple jobs I’ve had. It’s like you come in on your first day, and they expect you to know everything and this mentality of just shove someone right into it and not train them properly blows me away because I have a background and training. I have a background in setting people up for success in their jobs.

The job I had at the school district I worked at, my boss was incredible about asking me to take on new tasks and showing me how to do them. He literally would walk me through step-by-step step-by-step. He would watch me do the task and if I had questions, he always was there to answer them.

It was incredibly empowering and I never felt ashamed or dumb or anything like that because his attitude was you can do this, but I need to set you up with the skills and the knowledge to be able to do it.

I am finding that that is not the norm. The norm is I’m gonna tell you once and then you’re just gonna do it. And I know that this girl is getting beyond frustrated with me.

And I see quite frankly, what they do to her and how she can’t even get her job done because they’re always coming at her with stuff and yesterday there was a question I guess about why she hadn’t gotten certain things done and she did tell our boss that with all the things he came at her with, she didn’t have time to do her own job.

We do not get 15 minute breaks, those are frowned on. I have to ask for permission practically to go to the bathroom. I am not a child.

OK, whatever. Right? Right? This is how this job is and I can’t change it and the only thing I can do is accept it for now because God dammit it gives me a fucking paycheck. It gives me a chance to get out out of the nightmare that I am in.

What I have done in the past, is to accept defeat. I accepted it and I don’t really do anything about it and I don’t try to look for another job and then I blow up and I quit and then we have chaos.

If nothing else, everything I have been through in the last couple years, which let’s face it, was me bringing me into situations, I have felt that these are not punishment situations, but learning situations.

I will look for another job, but I will continue to get to this one on time and be there all day and put up with this shit and just do my fucking job the best I can and to try to push myself to do better and to learn, and when I do get another job, I will get the fuck out of there.

There is no walk away this time. There is no room for self-righteous indignation. There is no quitting. There is only do.

So kind of a Debbie downer of a post and I apologize for that. It is what it is. I have very little time to get ready and so I’m gonna do that and get there and get through this day.

I am grateful for the opportunity to earn a paycheck and to know what it’s like this month to be able to pay the bills. At the end of the day, that is the immediate goal. That is where my Gratitude lies.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie