The Time of Beginning

Hello and Good Morning,

Ok. 3 days off dudes.

3.

Today is go from start to finish. Bottom line. Today is me getting myself as prepared as possible for the discomfort of making change.

It’s the start of me pushing the through the, “I don’t wanna’s.

It’s the start of me not giving into some of the, I wanna’s” and telling myself no.

It’s the start of tears and hard work.

One year from today I want to look back and take an honest inventory of how my life has changed.

And I want to make at least one dream come true; like the ultimate reward. I don’t care if life is life and it’s just something you have to deal with.

We all deserve to have to dreams come true. I know I have to be realistic.

But if we are making changes only because we feel we “have to”, and not bear the fruits of that, then why change at all?

Nope I have dreams. I’m holding them at arms length right now because now is not the time of fruition. Now is the time of beginning.

So here we go.

Let’s live!!

I’ll be back.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Processing

I’m back.

So I’m here alone until my boss comes in. I’m dreading it.

You guys know I write about this shit but I’ll never name the company or use people’s names. Can’t get sued, ya know?

I can deal with this. At least it’s not the constant heightened emotions I was dealing with this time last year.

I’ll talk about the training for this job in a video this weekend. In fact, my Neecie’s Many Musings will be on this exact topic.

It’s important. I can’t tell someone in an interview that I really struggle with the learning process. Honestly, I feel like the owner is on the employer to provide accurate training, training that takes all kinds of learners into account. Part of that is having, I feel, literally, SOP type instructions. Go through the SOP with the employee and then show them. No my boss did not have those kinds of instructions, rather they are written on pieces of paper and there’s additions and things on the side and for me, that is incredibly confusing. As I’ve been learning, and I am learning, there have been parts left out. That’s why documenting every step is so important. If a new step comes up, have it on the computer in a word document or a Google document so that it can be updated and print it out and put into a training manual. Once the employee, has had exposure to the process a number of times, it then makes sense to sit with the employee as they go through the instructions and understand it is going to take them more time at first. This gives them the opportunity to ask questions. And if the training is documented correctly, then this should not be a problem.

I do think there is a certain amount of arrogance and ego with people when it comes to training and that many people would tell you they feel that they are an adequate trainer, but the reality is most people are not. I consider myself to be a good trainer because I worked in training and education and helped to develop training documentation. I received training documentation for my position in that job and it is literally the only job I ever felt 100% successful in and empowered by. I would still be there if I had not been a stupid addict. My problems were at an all-time high then.

So…yeah, I’m definitely looking for a job that pays me what I’m worth but also that has a good PTO package, a good reputation and a good training program.

I do like my boss. She’s hardcore in many ways but has a very loving side as well. She just doesn’t take any shit.

Look, I have learning “things”, I don’t know if they qualify as disabilities or not. So we shall call them “things”. Multiple things. This gos beyond Thing One and Thing Two.

I have Things

Things You see

So many things

And they fuck with me

They fuck with me

They make things hard

These Things I speak of

Can suck my nards

I don’t have nards

One might point out

But you get it I’m sure

Of that I don’t doubt

Annnnnddddd….

That’s about all I can process at this time.

Have a good night y’all.

Sleep Well.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Oh My God...MOM!!!

 

Good Morning!

Oh my God, you guys. I made a big mistake yesterday and I am paying. I ate horrible food and too much of it.

I literally feel like I went out drinking last night. 

But I didn't.

Last night, the farting? Look, I go into more detail here than I do in my shorts, they were explosive and ungodly. My daughter came in my room and I moved the blanket and it released the secret that was happening beneath and yeah...my daughter was like, "oh my God, MOM." 

And now this morning, it's my stomach.

It's the pooping. Me bum hurts so bad both from the force of the all night fart show and then the pooping this morning.

I didn't sleep well.

Like, I am paying.

I'm going to write more about the job tomorrow.

I'm struggling and my boss is frustrated.

The good news is that I think she's gone today.

Thank God for small favors.

There's too much pressure right now and I'm hoping that without her breathing down my back today, I will be able to pay better attention and get things right.

I cried all night too.

I cried and I'm crying now.

I'm gonna be a real beaut when I go in today.

And on that note, I'd better go.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & LIght,

Neecie

Ch, Ch, Ch, Changes

Good Morning,

Ok, well another lazy night on the books. I got nothing.

Change.

Yes, change is needed. Change, change, change.

Blah blah blah.

Change is hard.

I just don’t seem to be able to cross that bridge. It feels like the bridge is the entire circumference of the earth.

It’s not though. My denial, my laziness, my negative self talk? It’s all a delusion I’ve created.

Change is possible but I’ve always said, you have to be prepared for, and to accept, a period of discomfort.

I have a huge case of the, “I don’t wanna’s” this morning. 

Absolutely huge.

But,”I’m gonna.”

I have never met anyone who continues to make the least amount of effort and still expects things to be ok.

Yikes.

There are going to be days like this, no doubt about it. On these days, you do the best you can.

Bottom line.

Alright, on with it then lassie.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Childhood Besties

Good Morning!!

Here I am; different day, same shitoka.

Except that I had some happy feels yesterday.

I met one of my two childhood besties for coffee. She bought some of my bath bombs. I’m so grateful but I’m also grateful for the friendship. We’ve seen each other through so many of life’s changes.

We got all caught up. It’s good to know that others can make it through hard things too and that we can be supportive of each other.

And there was some laughter too. I have always said I should write a book about the shenanigans that were my childhood. We had fun. And while there are many things about my past that I would love to be able to change, I would not change my childhood with her or Lisa. Because like I said, we had fun. We were complete and total little shits, but…again, the fun!!

After coffee, I ran home and picked up some more bath bombs and made a delivery to a customer who reached out on a Facebook post. I did not actually meet her face-to-face, she left payment at her door, and I dropped the bath bombs off there.

I’m so grateful because I can put that in the bank and know that some of this money came from me creating something, which is what I love to do.

I strive for gratitude in my life, you know having gratitude, and when it’s just the normal kind of cycle, it can be kind of hard, but this gave me something extra to be really grateful for.

The job is going ok. I’m slowly starting to “get” stuff. Learning is always the hardest part for me and I’m hoping the “click” with some of what I do, comes quickly.

So off I go to shower, shite and not shave.

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I hope your day is wonderful.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Feel Good

Hi Everyone,

Oh man. Just…oh man.

I felt so sick yesterday after eating my dinner. I did go to sleep on the couch and then went right to bed. I think I go in at least 9.5 hours of sleep and I do not feel good today. 

I can’t breathe.

Yikes.

I’m going to take a coolish shower. That sounds good.

Obviously, I will go to work.

The bankruptcy thing is fucking with me. I can’t get the attorney on the phone and I have questions; important ones and I’m working myself up about it.

I’ll try one more time and then I’ll make an appointment with someone else.

The good news is I’m selling bathbombs.

I posted them in marketplace, which got me no bites but then I posted them on a Twin Cities page and although no outright sales, I’ve got people interested.

So that’s amazing.

But…still not feeling so great.

The only way through is through.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and make the apartment clean.

Wow. So do not feel ok right now. I feel nauseous. I’m sad too. With that kind of sleep, who knows how many weird dreams I had. They could be lingering. 

And I mean, I’m depressed for sure. That hasn’t changed.

I’m meeting a friend to drop off bathbombs tonight. I’m excited about that.

Something to look forward to.

Ok. Well I’m going to try to clean as much as I can before getting ready for work.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Cool Temps

Good Morning!

Happy Monday.

I got up at 4. That wasn’t intended but I was up and I was a little anxious about the fact that I start earlier now. Just want to make sure I’m there on time.

I started cleaning out my closet. It’s a mess and I need to get it reorganized. I meditated and I did my breathing stuff. I made my protein shake and am drinking it down now. 

I’m relishing the temps right now because we are not yet having to have the air on.

As long as it’s 60 or under, I can put my fan in my window and it cools everything off. I need to get a fan fo the living room and my daughter’s room. Anything to avoid the air for as long as possible.

I’m gonna go ready in a minute and then any remaining time, I’m going to work on my closet and email the attorney to ask a question about having a co-signer.

That needs to happen this week.

It has to or we won’t make rent.

Not with that asshole loan payment coming out.

I have an errand to run this morning too so…

It doesn’t end, lol. There will come a time when I can slow down.

So my goals this week are to continue focusing on the now, to stay in gratitude as much as possible, to stay up until bedtime and get as much done in the time I have before bedtime.

One of those things includes exercise; nothing elaborate, just something so I’m building up all the strength being a slug through all of this.

Alright, well it’s already 5:30 so I guess I’d better move it.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie