Seeing What Fits

Good Morning!

Tough night again but two of the cats were up close to me and that always offers comfort.

Today at least it’s not dark. I’m not motivated but I’m also not thinking dark things.

My head is always going and I’m starting to see not only the obvious patterns but the more subtle ones too and I’m seeing it through the unfolding drama of another person.

Some of her stuff reminds me so much of me. 

There is always something I’m working towards, there are so many plans and so many goals and so many dreams and no one could attain all of that at once. I know that with my writing and my videos, it probably looks to many people like I have bipolar disorder and I don’t. I’ve been assessed multiple times and never been diagnosed with it.

If if they’ve missed something, I feel that it would be a rapid cycling very low on the charts bipolar.

But I only bring that up because I realize I’m all over the place and in watching this other person’s drama unfold, it just reminds me so much of me. Periods of despondency followed by something new that’s gonna change everything and never following through on anything and never being able to achieve any of these goals.

I see so much of myself in her stuff and I’m like oh my God because if if I watch her stuff and I’m thinking, oh my God, calm down girl, that’s probably what people think of me and how they react to my stuff.

I think the big difference is that I’m willing to listen to people now and not just poo. Poo what they say because I don’t like it or it feels uncomfortable. I’m willing to try things on now and see if they fit. Not as a way to bash myself, but as a way to see how to fix it.

And so for right now, I need to get healthy physically, and I need to get healthy mentally. I need to file this bankruptcy, I’m going to have to stay in this apartment, there will be no moving for me for a long, long time and I have to accept that because no one will rent me with a bankruptcy on my record. Obviously, I need to find a job.

Once I get a job I’m going to sit down with my sister and go over a budget. 

As far as my YouTube channel and my dream of the business, no plans, just chill and let things unfold as they can.

And I need to let that go, and stay in the moment.

Of all the those things, learning to live in the moment is the biggest.

Learning to accept what is and find gratitude wherever I can, those things alone will make the others so much easier.

I have to start taking care of myself somehow. I have to make me a priority. But in a gentle way, not this maniacal planning and thinking I’ll find happiness when I achieve certain milestones.

I need to find my happiness where I’m at.

Ok.

So I guess on with it and here we go.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Get On With Things

Good Morning,

I got some sleep! Too much probably. But it’s better than the alternative. It takes some of the darkness away.

My bestie called and I got a lovely text from another friend.

The interview yesterday went very well but I can’t dare to hope.

So I’m gonna clean up the apartment a bit, I’m going to make an appointment with an attorney to talk about the cost of filing bankruptcy and at least I’ve come to a place of acceptance with that.

I’m going to try and act as if and just get through, one moment and one day at a time because I have no answers and I honestly don’t know what to do. It’s new territory, my actually staying engaged while going through this fresh hell.

Drama, lol.

Ok, well I’m gonna go and just get on with things.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wish I Could Say

Good Morning,

I wish I could say I’m better but I’m not.

I will say this to anyone worried. Yes, I am having thoughts. They are not well formed. They are a wish at this point. They haven’t bloomed into an actual plan.

Because these thoughts are volatile, and have the power to cause harm and worry in those I love, I’m not going to write about it anymore.

I need help. But I have no insurance. So therapy and meds are out of the question right now.

I have to try and hold on. I’m not sure if I can but on my shorts and in these posts, I’ll try to focus on solution as much as I can.

I did write out a list of what’s to come.

Credit card payments will not be made and the phone calls will start

Loan payment will not be made and they have a lien in the car. I don’t know how long it will take them to repo it.

Rent will not get paid for June and we’ll be evicted and out by end of June.

So there it is in black and white.

My whole life going down the toilet in 3 sentences. 

I am so disappointed in Stevie Nicks. I’ve loved her my whole life. 

She debuted at the Met Gala. Why? She never seems like one of those kinds of people.

I literally feel like I got betrayed by my sister or something.

My interview got pushed to today at 12:30 so I have to get ready for that and somehow try to act like a normal human being and not start bawling and beg them for this job. I know that they interviewed a ton of people. I’m old, I don’t have money to get my hair done so all my gray roots are showing and I have an ugly yellow tooth. Yeah, good luck with that. 

Onwards!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Oh Man

Oh man.

I did not sleep last night. I have an interview this morning but I guess I feel like why bother?

You guys. I can’t do this anymore.

I had some wine yesterday, in a desperate effort to get some sleep and I ended up taking a drive down memory lane. Not good. I guess that’s misleading. Not memory lane in the sense that I used. I didn’t do that. I literally took a drive down memory lane. I ended up crapping my pants. Apparently wine and IBS don’t mix.

The thoughts that were going through my head and still are. 

If it ends up that there isn’t an afterlife, I guess that’s ok, at least there will be peace.

I’m tired of living like this.

Something has to give.

I need help.

I’ve been keeping on a happy face for my daughter and not letting her see the despair I feel because she doesn’t deserve that.

But I am drowning. Drowning in despair and I miss mom and dad so much.

So much.

That’s all I’ve got. I’m going to try and get in about an hour of sleep and I guess I’ll get up and go to this interview.

I’m just so tired.

Tired

Hello everyone,

Uffda, today is hard. I’ve officially hit bottom. I have no fight left. I give up.

I’m tired as fuck. 

Can the remainder of my time here be good? Can I just have a couple things happen for me? 

A decent job, living within my means, a little bit of travel. Cats, a dog. Somewhere to live within enough space to move around comfortably?

I give up.

I’m not saying I’m ending things. I’m saying I’m done fighting. I throw in the towel.

I’ve got nothing. 

My daughter told me today she’s tired of living in fight or flight and I right there with her.

Boy, I bring people along for the ride, don’t I?

Tired. 

I’m gonna take a nap and see if that helps.

Today…it’s just a hard one.

I hope that all of you have a good day.

I hope you are blessed with the things I want for myself.

Love & Light,

Neecie

This New Dream

Well Hello,

Lawd have mercy, I am gettin'er done.

I made bathbombs yesterday and this new mix I accidentally discovered is the primo shitaki!!

I have one of my damn lists for today and there will be one for tomorrow as well but what I can tell you is I'm getting that shit done.

The hurt and shame and guilt over that fucking job had me shook you guys. Shook. That's what I used to say when I was really high from my drug of choice, I'd whisper, "holy shit, I'm shook." So to say I'm shook, you know it's bad.

Luckily, it's not from drugs.

I've been talking about you know, accepting myself for who I am and uh, it's very hard to do that without the shame piece coming in but I sortof talked to the Universe, some may some the Big G, but while I can't change my past and I can't be someone I'm not, I have got to finally give myself enough grace to move beyond this...whatever this is. Yeah, it's been my whole life but especially my whole adult life and I just decided, you know, it was a dream.

Because I can't go back...but fuckin' A, I don't have to own that shit anymore either. It's done, it's over and I have a tendency to forget the good that happened as well. I've had some precious fucking moments in my life. 

We can't change it, we shouldn't forget it lest we repeat and I'm a repeater. But I don't live there anymore, I haven't lived there for such a long time and you know, I try to because I want to beat myself up and play that, "you're worthless" tape but I'm not. I'm really not.

And so...I don't live there anymore. It was a dream. It's just like when I drive down my old block and I see our house and my heart wants to burst out of my chest because I want to go through that front door and go upstairs and see Mom and Dad in the living room, maybe reading, maybe sitting at the kitchen table having their morning coffee.

But...their not there. They are a memory, a beautiful dream of what was, of the good things that happened to me. 

So the bad stuff is the same. Just a dream. Who I am now, I can choose who I am, I can write all new chapters.

Chapters where I fall in love with myself and believe in myself and do the next right thing.

I can take my last breath knowing I didn't live the old dream, that I let it go with love and understanding and forgiveness and I lived the new one.

The one where I walk through my shit, where I face myself and find out I'm fucking amazing and the one where love always comes first; love of myself and love of my people.

I am in tears but they are healing tears.

And because I'm knocking out my list, I am going to continue doing that and I'll be back tomorrow and tell you all about this new dream and how it plays out today.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

When Wrong Works Out

Well good morning!

It shouldn’t be. But then again, why not? Your world can be falling down around you and it can still be a good morning.

Perspective, eh?

Sooo, I made a shit ton of bathbombs and something happened; the first batch? I made them wrong so I switched it back up but…that first batch was amazing. Stuck together perfectly, lightweight, floated and spun in the tub and didn’t disintegrate to quickly.

So luckily, I remember what I did so it’s back to more bombs. I’m going to make sugar scrubs, body butters and lotion today and my goal is to sell it ALL this weekend.

There is nothing else for me to do but to continue praying for a fuckin’ miracle.

Including the miracle of an IBS free tummy. If I had a dollar for every time I go, I’d be in the 1%. 

I’d give most of it away. Imagine all these poop issues being the reason I could help others.

Ha, wouldn’t that be the shit?

Ok, I’ll stop now.

Took a bath with one of my bathbombs and here we go.

Be Blessed!

Live & Light,

Neecie