I got out of the hospital. I went home then right to work. Who is this and what have you done with Denise?
My days of milking shit is OVER.
That paycheck calls.
My job is so boring most of the time time and I have grown so sedentary.
There’s a pretty walking path just down from where I work and my boss doesn’t want me on it because it’s such a dangerous neighborhood but, and I think this a GOOD thing, I am craving movement.
I can’t stand sitting still. Well I can. Laziness still calls too. This isn’t a sudden burst of energy thing; it’s more like I hate myself so much when I don’t move thing.
Hate myself or move?
So I was gonna quit smoking this morning and I made it one hour.
I know I can do it because I did it for 3 weeks and it honestly didn’t feel like that big of a deal.
But I did manage to do a lot in that hour, or at least a lot for me.
I made my bed, I fed the cats, I did my morning skincare routine, I meditated and attempted my Wim Hof breathing stuff. I could barely do that. Not good. I got dressed and ready for my day.
I have a lot of fish to fry today so I just wanna get on that.
Not literally. Some might think I’m actually frying fish today. I am not.
We have a HUGE spider on our balcony. Normally I would freak out. But she’s straight in the middle , or almost so, of our balcony and she hangs down. I’m not kidding. She’s big.
But I feel like she protects us.
So she stays.
My job is boring and without any real satisfaction (like, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything for the greater good there), that I have to make my week evenings and weekends count.
Coming out of this five year or so coma of self imposed sloth and anxiety is very interesting and very hard.
I was so afraid to come in to work this morning but they were really understanding. My actual boss is on vacation so she may feel differently. I came in with all my electrodes still attached and bracelet IDs.
I had to ship out some shit and I’m not really in the know on all that but fingers crossed if I didn’t do it right. At least the shipment is being made, couriered, whatever.
And I got a hot job completed in the system and customer notified.
So I woke up last night around 1:00. Something was wrong and I couldn’t figure it out. I was in a total panic. I couldn’t breathe. Now when I say that, obviously some oxygen was getting in because I didn’t drop down dead. But I was gasping for air and I just didn’t feel like I was getting any.
45 minutes I sat there like that.
Because I didn’t want to call an ambulance. I didn’t want to have to go back to the ER.
They gave me oxygen in the ambulance but it wasn’t doing shit. So they nebulized me and that was the ticket. They ordered an inhaler for me but it was too expensive so I didn’t get it.
The bottom line is I have no insurance so I’m going to post in a couple places asking if anyone has certain things, not for money, but for oxymiters, BP cuff and reader, and if anyone has fucking inhalers with albuterol that they don’t use, I’ll take that off their hands as well. I’m looking on good RX too.
And I’m going to have to find a doctor comfortable enough to prescribe me Xanax. Because I cannot calm down when this happens. I start getting ready to meet God…And see my people…and Buffy and Casey and Venus and Bono and Friend, and Newgie, and Tubby and Squeaky Bling Bling and Stanley and Syler and Trickle and Maple and Trout.
There are more but…
Yeah I was sitting there preparing for that but then Pumpkin and Grey came up on the chair I was sitting in. Grey was howling and Pumpkin kept headbutting me and touching my arm with her paw and I heard my bestie saying what she Sid’s last weekend, “So you’re just gonna leave me? I can’t do “this” without you.”
And that’s when I finally called the ambulance. These people don’t know shit.
They didn’t even compare notes from my last trip.
I just want an inhaler and I’m good to go.
No meetups in Valhalla just yet.
I have so many beautiful people in my life. My friend Kathy picked me up from the hospital and took me home. She’s lovely as are all of you who care so much. She didn’t tell me it’s her birthday today, I saw that on FB.
Happy Birthday Beautiful.
She also sent me some info that may help me get some mental health stuff help.
I have a lot to do this weekend.
Right now, I just can’t wait to go to bed.
And I’m hungry.
But this also has happened in a way that I’m starting to see a pattern. Wheat and flour seem to be a problem for me. And sourdough causes this too. They are part of a much bigger picture. A picture that has many things hidden within,
So for now, I need to cut those things out and see if that makes a difference.
I also seem to have a cold but no Covid so that’s good.
Sitting in my living room, trying to wait out whatever this was, before calling the ambulance, made me realize I don’t really want to be pushing daisies but I do need things to get better cause the way things have been…not cuttin’it.
I’m so hungry right now.
I’ll order food at noon.
Just please get me through this day cuz I’m so exhausted and please keep me awake enough to fuck shit up and tear it down here at work.
Ugh, I wish so badly that it was Friday but Friday is tomorrow so I must make the most of today.
I came home after work yesterday and I got straight into the shower.
Then I went over to a friend’s place. She is having knee replacement surgery today. Just in one of the knees. I’m not sure if she’ll be doing the other one at some point. She was in good spirits but I worry because she does so much for those shelves and she’s going to really need to care for herself.
Another of our friends will be with her for a bit and I’m only 5 minutes from her so I’ll be able to help too.
She had me cracking up last night though.
I needed that and I hope that alleviated some anxiety for her. She doesn’t show her anxiety, unlike me who falls apart at the smallest thing.
The tears started shortly after waking up this morning. I have no idea what they are about. I am actually in a place where there’s been relief because of the car and I know there are more things to come, but for now it’s relief and so the tears are a conundrum for me.
I have become a master at pushing through though. I do have worry in my heart for certain family members and just for the universe in general.
With the anniversary of 911 coming and going, it just brings back the nastiness of the worst in humanity and of course you see the best come out too but at such a horrific cost. Why can’t we all just love each other now? Why do we have to wait until tragedy strikes?
I may never have the answer to those questions and so I have to find my way through these tears.
I really pushed myself at work yesterday. My boss is on vacation until Monday and next week, our main sales person will be gone and so I know my boss will be stressed. No time off until Thanksgiving.
It’s up to me whether to apply for other jobs or not and I know I need to. If I’m still there at Thanksgiving, I want it to be because I haven’t had any job offers and not because I haven’t applied for any.
My IBS is getting bad again. I just deal with it. That’s all I can do.
As for those people that I worry about, I can only do my best to share my truth with them and be there for them and love them unconditionally. I have to trust that they will be OK.
It hurts my heart when the people I love hurt. There is a part of me that wants to detach from it all, but I know what it feels like to be detached from. It’s not a good feeling. And really, it’s out of fear, it’s a protective measure. Because of the worry, you know?
Anyways, I guess I better go get ready for work and be on my way.
Ok, so fingers crossed that the car debacle is behind me.
Behind everyone who helped.
And so many people helped.
Lots of phone calls; I took them all. I accepted every offer for rides.
I accepted offers of money as well. I’m still in the fence about how to feel about all that.
This true insanity started about two years ago although things have been difficult, really difficult starting about five years ago.
But as far as I feel about any of this, the first feeling is, and should be, gratitude.
The next thing is trust. I don’t like the word faith. So trust it is. Trust that we’ll be ok, but also trust what others say they see in me and that they love me. Over 30 people showed up during this whole car thing. That includes all the things I mentioned above; money, phone calls, texts, rides to and from work.
It was unbelievable and so humbling and everyone of these people told me they love me, that they believe in me. Everyone told me they believe I have it in me to get to the point I want to be at and so I need to trust that.
I am blessed.
Thank you.
So it’s onwards now.
The big things I need to work on are resistance (in other words NOT resisting), you know pushing through and staying consistent whether it be this blog, exercise, eating for my IBS but also weight loss, self care, finding a higher paying job. Doing all the “things”.
Not easy for me.
I get in the way of myself often.
I did this morning. I wanted to get up early but I didn’t sleep well. There’s a reason for that but I won’t get into it. I need to know and trust that sleep comes when I stick to a schedule and that if that gets messed up, to push through and get up anyways. Sleep will come.
It will come.
And now I have to get ready and go.
In my car!!!!
My car will take me to work today.
My boss will be gone for the rest of the week starting tomorrow and that is a relaxing feeling.
I like her.
It’s just nice to have breathing space of my own sometimes.
Alright, here we go. I hope you all have a great day!!
I am crying. So weird. Not the crying but that I started out
good. I got up, not as early as I wished but I just hit the ground running. I
did these exercises that are supposed to really loosen you up and they are not
hard on the body. They get the lymphatic system moving but they also get you
moving.
I made all my food for the day; breakfast, lunch, dinner and
did all the dishes I got dirty.
I meditated, I managed to do my skincare routine (body and
face), even if I wasn’t able to put on makeup or do my hair. I also did the Wim
Hof breathing stuff.
I fed the kits and loved on them. I got dressed and packed
my bag for the day.
I feel so good about all that. Tomorrow, I’ll try to push a
little harder and get up when I need to.
I’ve been not sleeping so well the past 3 or 4 nights. I
think it’s all the emotional fall out from the past 3 or so weeks.
No one can live in that mode for long, whatever that mode
was…it was just getting hit and hit and hit…they kept coming and I didn’t have
time to dodge the hits in between. Sheesh. My cortisol must’ve been through the
roof, I was in fight or flight for weeks. And then, you find yourself waiting for
the next thing to happen and you can’t relax because every time you have
recently, the rug gets pulled out from underneath you.
And that affects your sleep. I have also been bringing back
the nightmares. Man. Some fucked up shit goes through my head, that’s for sure,
to create these awful dreams.
So yeah, going through all that but still felt good about
all I accomplished this morning, the car is at the shop and I am crossing my
fingers that it’s not a bad fix.
It’s that right there, that got me this morning. I’m not surprised
by the some of the people supporting me but some have been a bit of a shock and
some of the people who aren’t showing up for me, who haven’t been for awhile…I
mean, it makes that stand out a bit more doesn’t it. I’m not talking about
money. I’m talking about actually being here for me…
I’m so grateful. I’m so grateful.
I was overcome and overwhelmed by it this morning. I started
crying in the Uber and I haven’t been able to stop.
People are all saying things to me about me, things I have
such a hard time believing but since so many people are saying them, maybe I
should believe them.
I do know I’m blessed. A friend of mine’s husband messaged
me years ago and said, “Do you know how blessed you are? People frickin’ love
you man.”
When I think about the people who have helped and the people
who have reached out with kind and encouraging words, these people are people
from former jobs, people I met at AA, people I met at my knitting classes or
when rollerskating. I just pick up friends. And they do, they love me and I don’t
know why that’s just hitting me now after all this time but yeah, I am blessed,
I sure am. And I don’t know why but it doesn’t matter, I just need to accept it
and to believe it and today I guess I was supposed to also feel it.
So beyond that, I had a good weekend. I went for an early
walk with a friend on Saturday. Then my bestie called so I talked to her and I
just sortof cleaned as I felt like it, etc. I took boujie bath and then I spoke
to another of my closest friends.
It was a good, mellow day and yesterday…same.
The weather you guys…the temps fell…finally.
I could crymy heart
out.
Well I am but not for that reason.
You guys I need to accept the love others have for me, I
need to accept it, I need to let it in and I need to feel it.
I need to believe in myself the way others believe in me.
And I need to develop some coping skills.
But I’m OK today, a bit tired, but OK and will be super
happy when my car has been looked over and I know what I’m looking at.
Please Universe, be gentle on me. Y’girl is fragile and only
now, hoping to bounce back.
I can’t you guys. I got nothing and yet…I got a lot.
I’m fucking exhausted.
Went home and picked up my daughter last night to run some
errands and the car did the thing it did before.
We made it home but the car is shit, shot, shattered.
Done.
And I am done.
I am fucking done struggling. I have nothing left to
struggle with.
I want to ask why? Why me? I want to ask is this my karma?
I did not ask to be born. I did not ask for childhood
upheaval. I did not ask for a dad who swept me aside as if I was nothing, thus
kicking off a mental illness I didn’t even know until 4 years ago that I had; a
brain issue that makes borderline personality more likely and then the abandonment
that kicks it off.
I never meant to be “too much.” I never meant to be harmful
with my choices, to be selfish, to throw caution to the wind and live
recklessly. I never meant or wanted to be so angry (thankfully, this is behind me
for the most part), I never wanted to hate myself, feel less than, feel
unworthy of anything good.
I never meant to quit job after job after job. I never
wanted to be impulsive and self-destructive be it with money, men, drugs…
And here I am, so late in life, clinging to it, desperately
thinking it’s got to get better…that if I hang in there, it will.
But it’s not getting better. It’s getting worse.
And…some will say this is drama, but I want out.
Some people believe that we choose our fate before we come
here, that this is all mapped out and we agree to it but I know I would never
agree to this.
I might agree to learn the lessons but I wouldn’t sign on
for this. And whatkind of “God” would
ask that of us and to what end?
So we can appreciate “heaven” even more.
As horrid as this sounds, I feel like y’all can take your
heaven and shove it up your ass because this shit ain’t cool, these heightened
emotions are not sustainable.
I don’t require great wealth; those hopes and dreams are
gone and a more realistic goal of just…basic comfort and happiness has replaced
it.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
If there is a heaven, then surely they will let me in,
knowing that all this suffering doesn’t work when one has a lifetime of mental
health shit keeping her from getting truly better.
If there’s nothing else, at least this all ends.
OK, well there you have it.
I just don’t want any surprises when I choose my way out.
I don’t want anyone saying they didn’t see this coming or
that they weren’t warned.
This life is shit.
There has been beauty and joy and happiness but those things
are a tiny little island surrounded by an ocean of shit and shit tsunamis just
keep flooding that little island.
Hangman, hangman, hold it a little while
I think I see my brother coming, riding many a mile
Brother, you get me some silver?
Did you get a little gold?
What did you bring me, my brother, to keep me from the gallows pole?
Brother, I brought you some silver, yeah
I brought a little gold
I brought a little of everything to keep you from the gallows pole
Yes, I brought you to keep you from the gallows pole
I got caught up. I got things done but it was slow going. I
struggle so much with just keeping going. It’s OK, I’ve given myself permission
to not be in “knock it out of the park” mode for the time being.
When you have been as isolated and as sed entary as I have become,
jumping back in can be a bit daunting.
I have had several more of the breathing attacks and truth
be told, I’m scared.
But all I can do, is try as hard as I can, to get healthy.
I cooked yesterday!!!
I made my chicken teriyaki, which my kids always loved so
much and I made my homemade mac n cheese, which is a fam fave too.
I brought a bunch of it over to my son and ate over at his
place and spent some time with him.
Love that boy so much!!
I did good this morning.
I did this short I found on Facebook, this guy brings you through
some weird ass sortof exercises to get yourself going and I was so out of
breath, I couldn’t finish it. I also tried to do my Wim Hof breathing stuff but
it didn’t go so well.
I’m struggling with this breathing thing.
Just keep going, pushing through, etc.
I meditated too and it felt so good to be there in the
candle light and the quiet.
It’s been to long.
A woman knocked on my door this morning in tears, asking if
I could jump her car for her and I don’t have cables. My heart broke for her
because I just went through that and it made me feel so grateful to have my son
inlaw.
Because the car is running and I am mobile.
Not thrilled to be at work because per the norm, my head is
full of all I want to accomplish at home.
There is always so much but I have a list.
You KNOW I have a list.
I didn’t do everything on on my list for this morning but I’m
happy with what I did do.
I have to just keep trying.
Blogging at home is a part of that but it’s not the most
important because I can do it here if I have to.
I’m just trying not to.
I hit one of the things on my list for today already. I called
the bankruptcy attorney. Because of my emergency room and hospital stay
debacle, I now have medical bills too so I need to know if it’ll cost me extra
to add those to my bankruptcy.
The two big things in front of the many, many things I want
to start addressing are the bankruptcy and finding another job.
So once I know if the fee will go up because of the medical
bills, then I’ll borrow the money from someone, it’s not going to happen
without that, and get that started.
Job search I can start immediately, but I can’t do it at
work for obvious reasons.
I’ve been looking way far out west for jobs. The cost of
living is so much better!!
Beautiful apartments and townhomes, with at least 600 more
square feet for about what I’m paying now. And the job market is decent.
We shall see, we shall see.
Jumping ahead again and I just can’t do that.
I am also slowly making plans with people, whether it be
phone calls or getting together…or any of the things.
I want to go see Practical Magick 2 this Thursday so I have
to get tickets for that.
I’ve waited almost 30 years for this!!
Yay.
Obviously, I’m doing ok mentally today. That was not the
case this weekend although I did push through it.
So…starting this Friday, temps will fall to the lower 70s
and even down into the upper 60s and your girl will be so happy.
It’s supposed to rain on Saturday and I’m schedule to go on
a walk with a friend; add boots and a raincoat to the many things I want. That
won’t happen by Saturday but hoping the new Asia Mall in the old Northtown
will be open for some walking. Might not be because it’ll be early. Note to
self: Where can walk indoors early on a Saturday morning?
I’ve noticed a dramatic decrease in my YouTube views and I looked
it up and lo behold, they changed the algorithm.
That sucks but I’m still bringing in new subscribers and for
me, for now, that’s what counts. I’ll worry about views later. I am trying to
change some things up but it ebbs and flows.
Alright, well here we go.
Another day is paradise.
Have a good day.
Remember, it’s Tuesday, we have less time to get to Friday
and that’s a damn good thing.
