A Grasp?

Hi All,

Oh man. I am off the charts today. Can you say anxiety? One is that I have to yet again ask someone for money. For rent, which I have until tomorrow to pay. And also because I have a second interview tomorrow and if I get this, I could be working next Monday. And applying for a part time job.

This could be over.

But of course, that’s a grasp, right? Because I don’t know if I’ll get it.

I can’t calm down so I’m trying to stay busy.

And get the apartment clean, because if I start working two jobs, cleaning will be…interesting.

Oh you guys, I’m terrified. Terrified of getting the job and terrified of NOT getting the job.

If I get this, my debt could be paid off in 18 months. I’d keep the second job for another six months so I could save up to move out of here.

Ok, calm down darlin’, we ain’t there yet and this ship hasn’t set sail so fuck a duck and get through this day.

I grocery shopped. A neighbor gave me a $50 dollar gift card and that feels me out but it was nice so imma make some cookies and give him some as a thank you.

Ok, well apparently I’m nuts so let’s this out this entry out of its misery and get on with it.

I hope you are all having an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

In the Midst

Hello There,

The picture I tried to insert from my phone doesn’t seem to be working, sorry about that.

I have not been able to move today. I have some weird virus. I can feel it in my chest but that’s no cough, no shortness of breath. I am sneezing however, I have a headache and I’m so tired it feels like I weigh 500lbs when I get up and walk around.

And that makes all the other stuff hurt and feel worse; the mental health stuff. 

I don’t want this life…the way it is. No one else can change it though. No one. Just me. God seems to be being stingy with his/her/their miracles of late.

And I need a miracle. Money? Well that would be great but no, if given a choice, I would choose the miracle of healing. Get rid of this mental health shit, be the kind of person who has a dream and goes for it and doesn’t stop, who doesn’t question themselves - self confidence supreme. Be the kind of person who has no shame, who believes in themself but has no arrogance.

Someone who has the fucking energy to help others.

Then…yeah, some money would be great. And if there was no choice, only money, I’d take it and try to fix this shit myself.

I don’t feel good. My head hurts. My head hurts a lot so I’m giving myself grace and I’m gonna get through today and then we’ll see what we can do about getting through this thing called life.

See, I continue to have good days and bad days. I cry a lot because I’m so very unhappy.

But the Universe provides happy moments in the midst of all this and that keeps me going. No self-pity. It is what it is and I go on.

That’s today.

And that’s ok.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Accomplishing Procrastination On a New Level

Good Morning,

Ugh! I woke up with the crud. My plan is to go back to bed and get some more sleep. But I seem to be procrastinating that. Geez, when you start procrastinating laziness, then apparently you experience laziness on a level that I personally did not know could be achieved. Ha! So I have already accomplished something. 

I bummed about it because I was supposed to meet a friend but I really am sick with a little something and my body is just…meh.

Plus, she is blessed to have a job. I don’t want to get her sick and force possible time off on her.

I’m so tired.

Well let’s try and write something productive shall we? Back to bed and then the word of the week is STOP. I’m going to make a list of all the changes I want to make that require one simple thing; like, literally no effort. These are the things that all I have to do is STOP doing them. No other effort whatsoever. Just STOP.

Because that will get a whole slew of shit out of the way. Yeah, yeah, believe me, I know. Easier said than done but sometimes I react better to simplification. Simple mind, simple girl, just fucking STOP.

I overthink everything. I think we’ve established that. So it is no new news to you and it is no new news to me.

I got a little boom from the universe yesterday, but it’s one that’s freaking me out.

I had a neighbor knock on my door last week and it was a dude, a younger dude. He was asking me all sorts of questions. He lives up on third floor and him, and his roommate are considering transferring to the apartment across from me. So he wanted to know if my neighbors are loud, etc. and he wanted to introduce himself and all that.

That’s really nice, but I am a freak of nature and these kinds of contact throw me off. Remember that I am an extroverted introvert. I don’t want to know my neighbors. And I don’t remember before I quit blogging, if I told you about the lady that lives on third floor also. Apparently third floor breeds strangeness. Yeah, she is very nice but very different. And she is the opposite of what I am politically. I am trying so hard to work on the kindness thing and just let people be who they are, but when it comes to my personal life, I just can’t get on board with certain things. I can let her be what she is, but it doesn’t mean I want to pursue a friendship. She made a statement last week in the hallway and I had to tell her that I don’t believe that and that my politics are very different from hers. I could tell she was upset.

So anyway, that happened with the Dude last week and yesterday, I came inside yesterday and he was at my door again. I’m sure that I made it clear I was not happy about this turn of events. Well then he gave me an Aldi gift card.

And I felt really bad, because it was a lovely gesture. It really was. He has no idea of how I am and that stranger interactions freaked me out. And he ended the conversation with, God bless you.

I will probably have to say this over and over and over again. I am not anti-Christian, my personal belief system encompasses things that can be found in all religions, and I celebrate the fact that people get to choose what they believe. Unfortunately, God bless you now comes with fully loaded possibilities. For me, there are some who have weaponized that statement.

I make certain assumptions. I did say thank you and you too. And I do feel awful because the gift card was for $50. This means we’ll eat this week. Keep in mind that I’m three days away from rent and still need to come up with about $400.

So eating this week was not going to be in the plan. I’m grateful. I am going to get him a thank you card and give it to him. It’s the kind, right thing to do.

The universe provided through him and I have to remember that receiving and then saying thank you doesn’t mean I have to be buddy buddy with him. If he is what I fear he is, I am not obligated to sit and listen to it.

I need to just be grateful and move on.

It’s so funny, because I have so many friends who have helped us in one way or the other and done very kind, thoughtful things but when it’s a stranger, I freak out and I think that there are underlying motivations, and I get suspicious and scared.

Clearly, I need to stop doing this.

OK, well I think I am going to go lay down now. Here is my short for the day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Neecie's Unfiltered Mindset

 Hi Guys,

I do not have a logo or cover pic yet for this new leg of the blog. I will in time.

For those of you in the know, I have changed my FB business page to Neecie's Unfiltered Mindset. I did this because let's face it, y'girl been slow to the punch when it comes to Willow's Whimsy.

My YouTube channel remains the same: Willow's Whimsy. Link here: Willow's Whimsy. Please take a tour over there and check me out, subscribe, like a video, comment, what have you.

And speaking on comments, they are shut off on my shorts but I keep 'em open on my long form videos. This is because since I use filters on my shorts, I look better than I really look, lmao, and I garner much unwanted attention from the opposite sex. No one has done anything creepy but my shorts/videos/sharing of my journey is no way whatsoever, to garner attention from, or snag me, a man. Again, that ship has sailed and I'm all good on that front. I don't mean to be hurtful or judgemental of anyone who has shared nice comments with me, it's just that kind of attention makes me feel very uncomfortable and is not what I seek.

I am finally growing my channel, thanks to the shorts I post and I do not want to have to start over there with a second channel, which is what I'd have to do if I split them up the way I am doing with my pages on FB and probably instagram as well although I've been remiss over there as well.

So. Here is the link to my newly named but old FB page: Neecie's Unfiltered Mindset.

If you previously followed, you are still following. If you did not, I would love it if you would go over there and like/follow it. Thank you!!

On this particular page, I am sharing all of the journey other than my Willow's Whimsy business. That will have it's own page at some point.

So what will be on this updated and newly named page? All of the mental health, physical health, emotional and sometimes spiritual health stuff...my struggles, my successes, my own personal feel goods - videos and shorts, blog posts, food, fun stuff I do, my hobbies, all of that kind of stuff. I want the journey on my page to mirror and reflect the changes and my life as they/it unfolds.

Why is the blog back? My sister said it's funnier. You know, then my videos. 

And it is. I am going to try on some level to be less morose and serious on my channel but I just really struggle with authenticity. Not that I lie, I don't mean that but I'm not "me" on there, my funny, smart ass, foul mouthed persona does not always come through, nor my ability to laugh at myself and be like...seriously, dude, what the actual fuck.

That's it, that's why I'm back.

I hope you all have a great day and bear with me as I get back into this and as the page changes and this finally becomes whatever it's really meant to be.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Please Read

Hi Everyone,

So. I have come to some conclusions. I don’t think I need a list anymore of all I want to change. I think I want to change everything.

And I also came to the conclusion that perhaps, for now, this blog has served its purpose.

What that purpose is or ever was, I’m not sure.

With everything I’ve gone through in the past two years and now add to it, a diabolical orange rogue tearing up this country and eating the shreds, I’m just not doing well.

There are things I don’t allude to in my blog anymore. I withhold a lot.

I used to put my whole life out here and I don’t do that anymore. Partly, because when I used to do that, it was motivated by the Borderline Personality Disorder I didn’t know I had. Like…here’s all my dirt, I dare you to still like me. 

It was ego driven, albeit a sortof maniacal pride in reverse thing.

So for the sake of this blog, and I’m gonna keep it open for one more day, let me just lay out some of the things I struggle with.

Luckily, drugs and alcohol are off the table. Some alcoholics who are not sober, will continue to drink, regardless of physical illness. The few drinks I’ve had, I didn’t get drunk or anything, and they didn’t trigger me to go use my drug of choice, but what I realized is that with all my stomach stuff, my body just does not tolerate alcohol. And so for me, I would rather just not drink any because I hate the feeling of pain and I hate the feeling of being sick. For me, that is enough of a motivator.

And as far as drugs, there is no desire whatsoever to revisit that part of my life. I really and truly believe that that is behind me.

What is not behind me is shame. And I have shame about everything you guys. I have never had self love. I realize I appear to many to be confident and have a high self-esteem, but that’s all bravado. The self talk that goes on in my head is devastating.

I talk to myself about my yellow tooth and how I can’t afford to get it fixed, I’ve gained weight, and that comes with a whole slew of re-triggered trauma. Living the way, we’ve been living, and constant anxiety, and fear over finances, has worn me down to an empty shell. The only things that bring me joy is my family, the few friends I choose to engage with still and my cats.

If it were up to me, I would climb in my bed and snuggle under the covers and read all day.

I can’t seem to stop crying. Usually, it comes in waves, but I started yesterday afternoon, and I haven’t stopped. Every time I woke up last night, the tears started immediately.

I do think that some of this is hormonal and I do think I probably need some kind of therapy, not to go over my past again, but to talk about life because for me, it has so little meaning. I’m stuck in this, “I didn’t ask to be here” thought process and questioning why anyone would want to be here when the world is the way it is.

And I don’t want anyone to freak out, anyone who’s reading this, this is not a swan song, this is not suicidal ideation, there is none of that going on. Like, I’m in this for the long haul whatever the long haul is.

I set myself up with my videos and with my blog because I write of all I want to accomplish and then I don’t accomplish shit and then I feel, yes you got it, more fucking shame.

They say that children do not listen to what you say, but rather, they watch what you do. And I watched my parents abandon me.

And while I no longer blame them, and I have a deeper sense of understanding of these things, it seems to me that I was abandoned over and over again. 

I’m not going to write out anything about that. I need to work through that so I can come out on the other side. I just think that when it comes to me and my sister, and I’m not speaking for my sister, she has not said this to me, but I feel in many ways that many of the people who were supposed to love us the most, abandoned us over and over again, in the sense that we were never a priority for them. Our grandparents were the only ones who prioritized us. I have an Aunt too, my Steffi, who made me feel very loved and cared about.

I don’t think that people realize that I see this, that I am very, very aware of it. And that it hurts me deeply still.

Again, no specifics because that’s not what this blog is about.

The only way through any of this, is through it, right? And I feel that this blog is a part of the problem at this point. I have never been able to achieve what I want to achieve with this, and that is to share the journey and to come out on the other side and maybe help others to do so as well.

It makes me feel like a fraud.

I’m sure that’s my shame talking.

But let’s be honest, there is some truth to it as well.

I think I need to build from the ground up. I think I need to find my strength and my intention. I was able to get some journals at Barnes & Noble. I had gone to get one and they were ridiculously expensive and something told me to go look in another section and they had more of them and they were on sale for a ridiculously low price.

So instead of blogging, I am going to journal this journey from here on out and at some point, I may choose to share that with the world.

Willows whimsy needs an overhaul too. I have played at this thing for long enough and it’s either shit or get off the pot. I have been saying for years that I just want the opportunity to do it the way I want to do it and if it takes, it takes and if it doesn’t, well, then at least I know I tried.

So that brings me to where things are at today.

Tomorrow morning, I am going to delete this blog. I am then going to delete my Willows whimsy page on Facebook.

I’m going to create two separate pages and one of them will be for Willow’s whimsy and I may hold off on that one until I actually have a plan and some products.

But I will create another one and I have no idea what it’s going to be called, where I will share some updates from time to time, not my long diatribe posts, but just little things and I will share mental health, things in progress and my YouTube videos because YouTube is not going away.

I will announce all of this on my personal Facebook page, so look for that as it evolves.

And at some point, I may decide to do a blog again, but it’ll be very different than it has been.

So I just want to thank everybody who’s always supported this and read it and reached out to me at various times when I really was struggling and it was really dark.

I am really struggling again and it is really dark again, but it is not like I said, the end for me.

My hope is that something new will come out of this.

There are things I know about myself and there is so much I don’t. I know that I’m not living the life I want to live. Some of that comes down to acceptance, but there’s a lot of things I could do, that I don’t. I don’t because of depression and anxiety and the tapes in my head that constantly play and tell me I’m not worthy, that I can do it tomorrow. You know, same old, same old.

We are living in times unprecedented and not only am I on a journey to find myself, but to find myself in all of this. To find my place in it.

Again, thank you so much for all the love over the years and support.

It has not gone unnoticed.

With deep love and gratitude,

Thank you!!!!

Denise

Intention

 

Good Morning,

How's everyone doing? I woke up to jaw and ear pain and swelling on the left side of my face. My teeth I guess.

I do take care of my teeth but I've been slack on flossing twice a day and I haven't been doing the neti-pot or swishing up my toofers with the anti-bacterial mouthwash like I should.

So back to that and just hope that I can reverse it again or hold off until I have some kind of insurance that can help me get it dealt with. 

I can't afford this, so it's WAY down the road but I want dental implants. I want this yellow tooth in the very front of my face to be gone and I want the problem teeth to just be gone too.

So it's on my list for the future but we're talking at least two years out.

So for the next few days, while I hit this hard...sadly, I'm going to have to deal with pain.

I had a great second half of my day yesterday on another note. I dropped my youngest at work and then got a call from my sweet second child. She took me out to dinner and then we went to Ulta. You guys, I don't think I've ever walked into an Ulta and walked out without purchasing something.

But I did yesterday...nada, nothing, empty handed, lol.

Then we came back here and watched Taylor Swift's concert and also her docu-series on the Era's Tour.

And she stayed until it was time for me to go pick up my youngest.

I love time spent with my kids. It's everything now. It just is.

I picked a word for this week and I'm going to do that moving forward.

This week's word is intention.

I want to know that everything I do has intention behind it.

Today, I'm going to make a list of intentional things vs. non-intentional, those things that are not necessary but that I do out of habit, ritual, OCD, anxiety, what have you and that don't serve what I'm hoping to end here.

So I can move on.

I hope you all have a good Sunday.

Be Blessed & Be Safe.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Flame Resistant Clothing

 

Good Morning!

Weeeelllll, it's an interesting day today. 

I don't know why, I just feel that it's interesting. I've gotten some interesting messages, and I had a very interesting phone call last night and you know...people can still amaze me. Both to the good and the not so good.

This was to the not so good.

But...I shall not write the specifics here.

On another note, I delivered food for someone yesterday. I can't just do nothing, I don't like that and I have been trying to come to terms with all of this and where I fit in it and what I feel I can do without losing my shit.

Adrenaline almost always causes fight and not flight in me. If I go to the protests, you guys, I will lose my shit all over the place if I see anything or get into it with some asshole. 

I will totally end up in jail.

And I know this. 

So instead, I delivered some groceries.

It was a very touching experience.

I plan to do more of it next week.

If I'm not working than I need to be doing productive, loving, kind, proactive things.

No excuses.

Everyone can do something. And I feel bad for the people who scream, "fuck your thoughts and prayers". You guys, that's all some people have so fuck you if that's not good enough. It's a weapon of intent and energy.

I know that I can do a bit more than that and I finally researched who to call, where to go, etc.

They are being much more careful now about vetting people because these types of operations can be infiltrated.

I was told that they have more than enough for the cities themselves but not as many for the suburbs.

This shit is happening in our suburbs and in our outlying communities as well, it just doesn't get the same amount of attention.

We all have to do something.

We have to.

Whatever any individual can do, do it. And thoughts and prayers are OK. Spell weavers and light workers can do things too.

Just do it. Just do whatever you can and know that you are on the right side of history.

Today, I got some fish to fry in my own kitchen so Imma fry 'em up.

If you can't walk around the fire, by all means walk right the hell through it but do it fast, wear flame resistant clothing but do it.

I'm gonna close this one out.

I hope you all have a brilliant day, I hope it's good.

Be Blessed and Be Safe!

Love & Light,

Neecie