Quicksand

Hi Everyone,

Sigh. I slept for 11 hours last night.

What the actual?

All I know, is that when I got home, I was exhausted on all the levels. Physical, emotional, mental. 

I am not sure what that was about as I had a good day at work it wasn’t stressful.

I can’t continue to do this every night, but I do think it’s OK once in a while to say yes to myself and to take care of myself.

I am back to being despondent and feeling little to no hope. But at least I can see the beauty in the world and the beauty around me and I can feel the love that people have for me and that is something that I am still able to feel grateful for.

I really want to stay home today, but that is part of my pattern with jobs. I get overwhelmed by the apartment and the mess and I tell myself I’ll stay home and I’ll get it all done today, but the thing is, obviously I cannot do that anymore. That is one pattern that is no longer an option.

I am dressed, and I am ready to go to work and so that’s what I’m going to do and hopefully I can get some things done tonight.

I managed to clean the cat boxes this morning and that may sound very simple, but it is everything when you feel like everything you’re doing is like trudging through quicksand. 

My daughter was gone last night and so pumpkin came a couple times and she snuggled right up to me and was making biscuits on my face and kissing me and purring and I wish they could box that up so you could carry it with you all day, but I guess I’ll just put it in my heart and my memories and take it out if I need it.

Animals are the best.

I’m watching my Grey Grey clean herself and now she curled up. She doesn’t have a lot of energy anymore so she cleans herself laying down.

I’ve never seen a cat who cleans herself so much and it’s funny that as she slows down and has become elderly, that is the one constant with her is that she will continue to clean herself.

I love her so much.

All right, well I hope you all have a good day.

Go forth and conquer.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Noisy

Oh you Guys,

Here at work and questioning everything. It’s just awful.

I so wish the noise in my brain would just…stop.

Just for one day. What would it be like not to have this constant anxiety and racing thoughts. They race so fast, I can’t catch even one of them.

I don’t claim to understand what’s happening to me. I know it’s better to live in reality but it sucks.

There’s no way around that.

My older girl, Grey? I know I’ve written about my worries with her. This morning, when I got in the shower, she stood by the shower curtain and just yowled and yowled and yowled. She didn’t seem to be in pain and by the time I left for work, she was cuddled up to my daughter.

It makes me so sad. Each day, I wonder if tomorrow will be the day she leaves me. When I wake up early or in the middle of the night, I pet her to make sure she’s ok.

I won’t be able to afford to have anyone come to me to put her down. I’ll have to bring her in somewhere. Which will be stressful for her.

I can’t bear it.

Best not to think of such things until they are here.

It just fills me with dread.

Stop Denise. 

She’s safe and comfortable right now. See, my brain is able to fixate on negative 

My momma sent me something in the mail that will ease things up a bit but I don’t think I’m gonna make rent.

I can’t keep on doing this but I also know I have no choice.

Fuck.

Lord help me.

Lord knows I need it. Help I mean.

In all aspects of my life apparently.

Deep breath.

Alright, well I’m just sitting here at my desk and my anxiety is off the charts so I thought I’d write again.

Hope y’all are having a good morning!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Anxious

Good Morning!

I am feeling a little bit anxious this morning.

I had a bit of a scare with my daughter last night.

She came close to having heat stroke. I picked her up from work and her poor cheeks were red and she started puking. Luckily, she puked out the window and I also had her open the door to do it while we were at a stoplight.

She had a crushing headache as well. I looked up the symptoms and they had level of severity and the first is a core temp of 104, the last on the list was her symptoms. 

Her temp was normal as was her pulse but she vomited a couple times more.

She’s better this morning but that was scary. She works in a restaurant and they have no A/C in the kitchen. 

I didn’t have a good day. I’m starting to think that something is deeply wrong with me.

But I could be wrong.

My sister said when our bio dad died that she sees hummingbirds for him and I was on the couch yesterday and looked out the window and there was a little hummingbird. It was so random. 

But I felt like that was a visit. I’d been sobbing earlier, asking the Universe for help and then there he was.

So apparently, I have all 3 of them looking out for me; Mom, Dad and my bio dad, David.

Anyways, on I go.

Work today.

I’m not gonna have enough for rent. I did apply at a massage spa near me for an evening and every other Saturday position. We’ll see if I hear anything. Fingers crossed.

Where does the time go in the mornings?

On with it I guess.

I hope you have a good day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Passing Me By

Hola!!

I am going to have to force the issue here.

Fuckin’ A.

Get up and just do.

A friend of mine got a great job and she is encouraging me to apply. The thing is she has done things the right way and stuck with jobs from the past for a long, long time. She has a great working history. I do not. But it cannot mean don’t try. So I will try and I will have no expectations.

Regardless of pay, I do have a job to go to tomorrow and for that I am grateful.

But my life is passing me by.

And I need to fill it with the good stuff. At my celebration of life, I want people to say, “She really went for it.”

Not, “Well, she gave up and it’s sad.”

I don’t know. 

Ok. Well, I’m gonna grab a starting point and see where I land.

Each day is another chance to be productive, to make the good choices.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Summer is Here

Good Morning!

It’s gonna get warm. Today, summer is arriving in Minnesota.

Summers are hard for me for all the reasons, all stemming from the heat.

And of course, self esteem about my clubby arms, my huge calves.

But.

I spoke to a friend of mine, one of my dear friends, and she was talking about how she doesn’t care anymore and how she dresses nice and doesn’t worry about covering up what she used to feel insecure about.

I thought, yup, that’s amazing.

This friend and I hadn't spoken in over a year.

But we had a good talk, like we covered all the bases.

This friendship had a great foundation and I feel like sometimes, and we both agreed on this, that sometimes you need time away to work on yourself and the timing for reconnecting will show itself, which it did, and I’m just very happy to be back in each other’s lives.

So there’s your gratitude for yesterday and it’s a big one.

Other things happened yesterday that took the wind out of my sails so to speak and although I managed to get some good things done, after I dropped my daughter off at work, I laid down on the couch and slept for 5 hours. 5.

What the actual fuck?

I guess I needed it.

I feel like when I do fade out, I fade out quick.

That’s ok.

I’m just gonna jump in to today and go from there.

We have these 24 hour cycles of time and I have tomorrow too so I’ll do what I can.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Time of Beginning

Hello and Good Morning,

Ok. 3 days off dudes.

3.

Today is go from start to finish. Bottom line. Today is me getting myself as prepared as possible for the discomfort of making change.

It’s the start of me pushing the through the, “I don’t wanna’s.

It’s the start of me not giving into some of the, I wanna’s” and telling myself no.

It’s the start of tears and hard work.

One year from today I want to look back and take an honest inventory of how my life has changed.

And I want to make at least one dream come true; like the ultimate reward. I don’t care if life is life and it’s just something you have to deal with.

We all deserve to have to dreams come true. I know I have to be realistic.

But if we are making changes only because we feel we “have to”, and not bear the fruits of that, then why change at all?

Nope I have dreams. I’m holding them at arms length right now because now is not the time of fruition. Now is the time of beginning.

So here we go.

Let’s live!!

I’ll be back.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Processing

I’m back.

So I’m here alone until my boss comes in. I’m dreading it.

You guys know I write about this shit but I’ll never name the company or use people’s names. Can’t get sued, ya know?

I can deal with this. At least it’s not the constant heightened emotions I was dealing with this time last year.

I’ll talk about the training for this job in a video this weekend. In fact, my Neecie’s Many Musings will be on this exact topic.

It’s important. I can’t tell someone in an interview that I really struggle with the learning process. Honestly, I feel like the owner is on the employer to provide accurate training, training that takes all kinds of learners into account. Part of that is having, I feel, literally, SOP type instructions. Go through the SOP with the employee and then show them. No my boss did not have those kinds of instructions, rather they are written on pieces of paper and there’s additions and things on the side and for me, that is incredibly confusing. As I’ve been learning, and I am learning, there have been parts left out. That’s why documenting every step is so important. If a new step comes up, have it on the computer in a word document or a Google document so that it can be updated and print it out and put into a training manual. Once the employee, has had exposure to the process a number of times, it then makes sense to sit with the employee as they go through the instructions and understand it is going to take them more time at first. This gives them the opportunity to ask questions. And if the training is documented correctly, then this should not be a problem.

I do think there is a certain amount of arrogance and ego with people when it comes to training and that many people would tell you they feel that they are an adequate trainer, but the reality is most people are not. I consider myself to be a good trainer because I worked in training and education and helped to develop training documentation. I received training documentation for my position in that job and it is literally the only job I ever felt 100% successful in and empowered by. I would still be there if I had not been a stupid addict. My problems were at an all-time high then.

So…yeah, I’m definitely looking for a job that pays me what I’m worth but also that has a good PTO package, a good reputation and a good training program.

I do like my boss. She’s hardcore in many ways but has a very loving side as well. She just doesn’t take any shit.

Look, I have learning “things”, I don’t know if they qualify as disabilities or not. So we shall call them “things”. Multiple things. This gos beyond Thing One and Thing Two.

I have Things

Things You see

So many things

And they fuck with me

They fuck with me

They make things hard

These Things I speak of

Can suck my nards

I don’t have nards

One might point out

But you get it I’m sure

Of that I don’t doubt

Annnnnddddd….

That’s about all I can process at this time.

Have a good night y’all.

Sleep Well.

Love & Light,

Neecie