Another Day

Good Morning!

I did not get enough sleep. That has not been the norm so I’m feeling it. I might lay back down.

This morning, I feel like I just want out of my skin. 

This anxiety though.

Last night my Beast and I talked and then my friend Erin called and we talked.

I’m so proud of both of them. They work hard. 

I started watching The Testaments last night.

I know it’s just a show but it’s hard to watch just like its precursor.

I don’t really have to much to say today. I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed. I have no answers.

Just…another day to get through.

I hope you all have a great day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Mixed Messages

Good Morning!

It’s been hot in MN. I’m worried about the electric bill. But I can’t function in heat.

I’m just so glad it hasn’t been humid yet.

I learned more the last two days at work and I’m grateful for it because it’s QuickBooks and that makes my marketability go up.

I wish the pool here would open early so I could swim alone.

Good exercise. 

When I was working at the other place, I got some new jeans and they are too big. Y’girl has lost weight.

Anxiety and poverty will do that apparently.

I want to thank you all for reading this blog everyday. This is the first time ever that I’ve gone over 1000 hits in a month.

So what are my plans for the day? Apply, apply, apply. For something that pays a livable wage and for a part time job. Some exercise and clean the apartment. It’s awful.

Oh, and someone messaged me asking to meet me in Coon Rapids to buy two of my bath bombs.

So that too.

To try and stay off my phone.

Ok.

I’m tired but I also know I slept pretty good. I haven’t worn my Fitbit in over a month so I don’t know the quality of sleep. I’ve been getting but I do know it’s been better.

Yesterday, I closed my checking account and opened a new one. I had to do that so that the loan payment won’t go through. We still won’t make rent this month but at least that next step is done. I’m terrified they’re going to come get the car. Living in all these unknowns is just so scary and so exhausting. 

It makes me very sad.

I just have to go on though. I’m going to clean the car out today I guess as well so I better add that to the list. There’s really not anything that I want in the car but just to make sure.

I can’t think about this stuff for too long because I’m flabbergasted that I let it come to this. Like, what the fuck was I thinking?

Clearly, I wasn’t.

And now we begin the big climb out and just try to continue on.

I have one final meeting with an attorney on Wednesday after work and I’m pretty sure I’ll go with them. They are reputable. I’ve talked to three different attorneys and each time, the fee for the bankruptcy has gone up and I’m getting mixed messages about the car.

Nightmare stuff.

All right, well I hope you all have a great day. I hope it’s productive weather in things you need to get done or time spent with loved ones.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light, 

Neecie

Brings Back Ick

Oh my God, it’s Friday!

So sleeping seems to be a thing with me now. I’ve gone from very little to sleeping all the time.

Well…not at work.

I got paid today, which is great but I have to go open a new bank account after work to make sure that stupid loan payment doesn’t go through again.

When will this nightmare end?

Sooner than later motherfuckers. I am not referring to you as a motherfucker, I am referring to the parts of the Universe that are conspiring to force this current life lesson upon me.

Ugh.

Anyways.

I made it to work, sitting in my car because I’m early. Although not in any way a trigger, being in this neighborhood brings back ick.

It’s ok, I manage.

I try to look at it like yeah…I’ve traversed these roads before but I’m in a different vehicle (my mind), and although my mind can also be a scary neighborhood, I’m not who I was then.

I’m just here doing my best. My current best. My best can get better.

Alright, off at 3:30 today so yay for that.

I hope you have a good day. Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Messes

Good Morning!

How is everyone? I hope you are all good.

Me?

Meh.

Another day. Another day of stress and wondering how the fuck we’re gonna make it. I didn’t sleep 12 hours but I did go to bed early again.

I just can’t deal with anything, none of this.

My bed is my only happy place right now. My anxiety is with me constantly and it’s sits in my stomach, I can feel it there.

I wish I could have a job I don’t mind, like this current one but one that paid a living wage.

I’m without hope and it makes everything so much harder.

When I was still using, I would come back from a bender and the crushing remorse and shame was horrible. I feel like that all the time now and I’m not even using.

The shit show in my head just won’t turn off. My grandmother, her name was Lois, I never met her, but Dad shared with me that she struggled horribly with depression and even had to go into the hospital here in Minnesota and get electric shock treatments. Dad carried guilt about that. But I know what that’s like. It wasn’t his fault, just like it’s nobody else’s fault how I’m feeling.

Regardless of whether I get through this financial bullshit or not, something has to change within me.

I need help and I’m willing to get it but here again, circumstances have to change in order for me to do so.

There are things that make me happy. My children, my cats, my sister, my mom, and a few very good friends who I know, love me and care about me dearly.

It does mean something, I’m not so depressed that I can’t feel that.

But yeah, my apartment is a mess. My head is a mess. My life is a mess.

Welcome to the shit show.

Sorry for the Debbie downer post but, hey, at least I keep it real.

All right, well I better get ready for work. Another day, another not enough dollars.

I do hope you all have a good day.

I hope you are blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Quicksand

Hi Everyone,

Sigh. I slept for 11 hours last night.

What the actual?

All I know, is that when I got home, I was exhausted on all the levels. Physical, emotional, mental. 

I am not sure what that was about as I had a good day at work it wasn’t stressful.

I can’t continue to do this every night, but I do think it’s OK once in a while to say yes to myself and to take care of myself.

I am back to being despondent and feeling little to no hope. But at least I can see the beauty in the world and the beauty around me and I can feel the love that people have for me and that is something that I am still able to feel grateful for.

I really want to stay home today, but that is part of my pattern with jobs. I get overwhelmed by the apartment and the mess and I tell myself I’ll stay home and I’ll get it all done today, but the thing is, obviously I cannot do that anymore. That is one pattern that is no longer an option.

I am dressed, and I am ready to go to work and so that’s what I’m going to do and hopefully I can get some things done tonight.

I managed to clean the cat boxes this morning and that may sound very simple, but it is everything when you feel like everything you’re doing is like trudging through quicksand. 

My daughter was gone last night and so pumpkin came a couple times and she snuggled right up to me and was making biscuits on my face and kissing me and purring and I wish they could box that up so you could carry it with you all day, but I guess I’ll just put it in my heart and my memories and take it out if I need it.

Animals are the best.

I’m watching my Grey Grey clean herself and now she curled up. She doesn’t have a lot of energy anymore so she cleans herself laying down.

I’ve never seen a cat who cleans herself so much and it’s funny that as she slows down and has become elderly, that is the one constant with her is that she will continue to clean herself.

I love her so much.

All right, well I hope you all have a good day.

Go forth and conquer.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Noisy

Oh you Guys,

Here at work and questioning everything. It’s just awful.

I so wish the noise in my brain would just…stop.

Just for one day. What would it be like not to have this constant anxiety and racing thoughts. They race so fast, I can’t catch even one of them.

I don’t claim to understand what’s happening to me. I know it’s better to live in reality but it sucks.

There’s no way around that.

My older girl, Grey? I know I’ve written about my worries with her. This morning, when I got in the shower, she stood by the shower curtain and just yowled and yowled and yowled. She didn’t seem to be in pain and by the time I left for work, she was cuddled up to my daughter.

It makes me so sad. Each day, I wonder if tomorrow will be the day she leaves me. When I wake up early or in the middle of the night, I pet her to make sure she’s ok.

I won’t be able to afford to have anyone come to me to put her down. I’ll have to bring her in somewhere. Which will be stressful for her.

I can’t bear it.

Best not to think of such things until they are here.

It just fills me with dread.

Stop Denise. 

She’s safe and comfortable right now. See, my brain is able to fixate on negative 

My momma sent me something in the mail that will ease things up a bit but I don’t think I’m gonna make rent.

I can’t keep on doing this but I also know I have no choice.

Fuck.

Lord help me.

Lord knows I need it. Help I mean.

In all aspects of my life apparently.

Deep breath.

Alright, well I’m just sitting here at my desk and my anxiety is off the charts so I thought I’d write again.

Hope y’all are having a good morning!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Anxious

Good Morning!

I am feeling a little bit anxious this morning.

I had a bit of a scare with my daughter last night.

She came close to having heat stroke. I picked her up from work and her poor cheeks were red and she started puking. Luckily, she puked out the window and I also had her open the door to do it while we were at a stoplight.

She had a crushing headache as well. I looked up the symptoms and they had level of severity and the first is a core temp of 104, the last on the list was her symptoms. 

Her temp was normal as was her pulse but she vomited a couple times more.

She’s better this morning but that was scary. She works in a restaurant and they have no A/C in the kitchen. 

I didn’t have a good day. I’m starting to think that something is deeply wrong with me.

But I could be wrong.

My sister said when our bio dad died that she sees hummingbirds for him and I was on the couch yesterday and looked out the window and there was a little hummingbird. It was so random. 

But I felt like that was a visit. I’d been sobbing earlier, asking the Universe for help and then there he was.

So apparently, I have all 3 of them looking out for me; Mom, Dad and my bio dad, David.

Anyways, on I go.

Work today.

I’m not gonna have enough for rent. I did apply at a massage spa near me for an evening and every other Saturday position. We’ll see if I hear anything. Fingers crossed.

Where does the time go in the mornings?

On with it I guess.

I hope you have a good day.

Love & Light,

Neecie