Chelated

 Hi Everyone,

Isn't that little baby in the picture so sweet? Not me, the pup. That's my sister's dog. Her name is Chatty and she is such a dear little girl.

We like each other. We love each other. 

My family gets so lucky with their animals. No matter what, there will always be animals in my life.

So...I got some sleep. I woke up at around 3:30 and didn't go back to sleep but before that, it was pretty good.

I didn't put my fitbit back on because it was pissing me off so much. 

But I think I got some sleep. I wasn't very wakeful that I can recall.

I feel tired but...I feel ok too.

This job is kicking my ass.

I did apply for a MN State job.

I keep telling myself, that's my job but I haven't heard back. I think it's still open until the 20th so I don't expect to hear until then.

The whole job search thing would be so much easier if I could just get some damn good sleep.

Oh! I read that most magnesium doesn't work for sleep because it's not chelated. 

Chelated magnesium is a highly absorbable form of magnesium bound to amino acids (often glycine) to form a stable complex. This "claw-like" binding protects the mineral as it passes through the digestive tract, resulting in higher bioavailability, improved absorption, and fewer gastrointestinal side effects (like laxative effects) compared to non-chelated forms like magnesium oxide. 

What It Means: Enhanced Absorption

• Structure: Magnesium is attached to a carrier molecule (ligand), such as glycine, taurine, or malate.
• Stability: Because it is bonded to carrier molecules, it is less likely to break down and cause digestive issues
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Ok, now I have weird bullet points I don't want and don't know how to get rid of. Anyways, regarding the magnesium; I took one pill of this stuff and I was woozy. The effect didn't last long but I did get right to sleep when my head hit the pillow last night.

You guys, my damn neck has been itching for the past two weeks. I notice that as my skin gets looser there (aging), I sweat at night and I think this is what is causing it so I'm constantly rinsing it off when I go to pee or get up first thing in the morning. The sweating only happens at night.

Man, aging sucks, there's no way around it. All that, "my wrinkles tell the story of me" shit? Yeah, you can have that there story. I want nothing to do with that story. I tell the story of me, not my damn wrinkles.

So the owner of the company I'm at? He's weird. He goes out on sales calls too but he got upset that his calendar showed so we have to set up his appointments different. Like dude...I don't give a shit about your calendar. What am I gonna do? See that you have it scheduled to go to the gym and judge you?

I haven't met him. He's been there when I'm there and he hasn't introduced himself to me. Yesterday, I went into the copy room, which don't get me started...but he was in there and that guy couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Awkward.

Yeah, I don't want to be there but the paychecks are awfully damn nice.

It's control and micromanagement all the way. My immediate boss, she doesn't think so but I've worked in other settings, in really good, encouraging settings and this is definitely micro-management. I don't get breaks except for my lunch, even going to the shitter is a big deal.

I'm the only one who has to ask to leave my desk and only the really sweet girl agrees to cover for me; if the other two do, it's with an attitude, yet they take breaks and it's not all the time or anything like that, they do their job but seriously?

Ok, I'm done bitching. At least tomorrow, we leave at 3.

I'm hoping to have the energy to apply for at least one replacement, full time job tonight and one part time job.

Menards passed on me.

Fuckers.

Okie, I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

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Losing It

It’s 2:54 in the morning. I’ve been up for about an hour and a half. My ear hurts. I even had to poop. Everything about my body and its habits is changing. I used to be able to count on only going number 2 in the morning. Now it’s the mother loads in the morning and then little guys on and off all day and apparently now in the middle of the night.

And no sleep. So then I cry.

I just want to sleep.

Ok I’m back. I was so pissed off about the sleep thing and my resting heart rate going up so ridiculously high that I ripped off my Fitbit. I’m done.

I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. I went to bed on time. I finally turned the light on and read for a while and then I noticed a spider on my ceiling. I watched him or her for quite a while, hoping they would come down on the wall so I could get at them. I finally went to the bathroom and when I came back, there was no spider. I figured that it got on my bed.

But because it wasn’t massive, and because I was so flipping tired, I decided I don’t care and I’m just gonna go to sleep, but as I reached over to turn my light off, there it was on my pillow, so I flicked it off.

You guys, this not sleeping thing is not good. All I do is cry. That, and I seem to be having a visit down the past. I think about so many things and I feel so bad about who I used to be and some of the things I did that hurt people.

I have to stop this.

I have to get some sleep. It’s funny, because I do get sleep sometimes, but it needs to be consistent because I’m losing my shit psychologically.

I have to go, I have to get to work, but I hope you all have a good day and just know that we’re reaching the point where I am finally willing to do some things consistently to help myself.

The good news is that I don’t seem to want to self sabotage. No thoughts of revisiting past choices if you know what I mean.

So if I go.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Call the Shit OUT

Good Morning!

I was so worried about the storms they predicted yesterday and nada, not even any thunder.

I think it’s safe to say at this point, that the meteorologists in Minnesota are all smoking crack. 

So a lot happened at work yesterday. 

I got talked to about that fucking spreadsheet I can’t seem to work my head around.

And as my boss was going over it with me, she’s making passive aggressive comments.

I called that shit out.

She ended up telling me that since she’s been with this company, my position has been filled at least 30 times.

So you know what? That told me everything I need to know. I do think I’m struggling and I do think some of it is me and the way my brain works but I also think…hmmmm, 30 times?

Really?

That speak volumes.

Wouldn’t an employer look at that and especially one who worships the almighty dollar the way they do and say, “Wow, this is costing me a Lot.”

Training, and I use that word lightly, costs a company $$. But when you try to take shortcuts with it, that training costs more if you lose the employee.

Look, I told them they’ll have to fire me, that I’m not going to walk out willingly.

Or you know, on my own. I paid my fucking bills this week and I want to pay my rent at the end of the month so I have to keep going.

Whatever.

I don’t know, they might fire me today. They might not. My days of being quiet are over. I’m a fucking human being, I’m not a robot.

I understand why they pay so much now, that’s for sure. Dangle a carrot in front of the horse and the horse will perform. I love horses. I wouldn’t do that to a horse.

Blah fucking blah. I gotta go power get ready.

Pumpkin took a huge shit and I can’t not smell it.

That cat shits the size of a human.

Ha!

One of the many reasons I love her.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Insomnia

Hi Everyone,

I have to be careful what I write today.

Because I’m going through it. 

Big time. 

Saturday night I had a nightmare and that one dream brought up all the ick in me that I’ve been stuffing down. Memories I’d put aside, feelings I’d put aside. Ugh. And just trauma. It’s all right here in the surface.

I didn’t get much sleep.

And so I had a wasted day, other then two conversations, one with my bestie and one with someone in the dream. I’m really glad I called her.

I was on the couch all day, on the verge of tears.

And last night? Another nightmare, a dream about someone else I’ve fallen out of touch with. She was a friend long, long ago.

And so no sleep again.

And tears. Pumpkin comes when I cry and she head bumps me and kisses me. She hates it when I cry.

I think it’s safe to say I’m losing my shit.

So I have to figure out this sleep thing.

Because I have no insurance, I’m going to have to see if I can get a prescription fo the meds I was taking before without seeing the doctor. And I’m gonna start taking the edibles for awhile.

Anything to just sleep.

And as soon as I can find a job with insurance, I’m getting therapy and I’m getting help with this bulkshit sleep fuckery.

I’ve talked about the fact that Xanax is the only thing that ever really worked but no doctor will prescribe it on an ongoing basis anymore.

As far as addiction to it goes…who cares if I get physically addicted or have to increase due to tolerance. I’ve got what? 20 years left? Geez. Help me make them good ones.

As long as I take them as prescribed who cares if I develop a physical addiction? It’s not like I’m 20 and experiencing this.

But I’m Denise Motherfucking Johnson and so I’ll go on.

I do start to have dark thoughts as each night gets worse, and each day gets harder due to lack of sleep.

But the thing is, I don’t really want to leave just yet. I don’t think I ever want to. 

It’s just so hard. All these emotions.

And bear with me as I say this, I think this all came up because I started working. I’m not saying I shouldn’t be working. I think that going through what I just did financially, and feeling so isolated and then all of a sudden, just jumping into this job and having some sense of financial security, I think all of that mixed together brought all of this up. It was the perfect cocktail of bullshit.

And so here we are. And here I am.

And I have to get through this and figure out the sleep thing. It’s number one because without sleep, it will all come toppling down again.

Anyways, I do need to go get ready for work. Mondays are extremely hard at work because I have to catch up on the leads from the weekend and it’s just a lot.

I got this, I can do this.

I hope all of you have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Arse In Me Face

 

Gooooooood Morning Faithful Readers,

I am here to tell you that y'girl got in 8 hours of sleep last night. Don't know how the hell that happened but it did and I'll take it with gratitude.

Pumpkin is on the desk with me with her arse in me face. She's loving on a box of envelopes.

It's my bestie's birthday today. It was right around this time 50 years ago, that our friendship began.

And what a friendship it's been.

I will miss her today as she lives on the west coast.

Wah.

But I do have some fish to fry so to speak and so I'll focus on that. 

There are many things that need to happen today but I'm going into it knowing that they can't all possibly happen. 

I'll just tell ya all about that shit tomorrow after today is behind me.

I would like to just do the fun stuff tomorrow.

We shall see.

So now I go to make my list and prioritize it.

I wish you all a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Manifesting

 

Good Morning!

How is everyone?

I am better than yesterday. So there is that. 

I got my first paycheck and it was a great reminder of why I'm going to continue at this job. I mean, they can fire me but I'm not gonna quit.

I cannot multi-task and this job requires almost 8 hours straight a day of multi-tasking.

Sleep is a big issue for me with this. I'm just better if I can get in over 6 hours of sleep and that only happened once this week. And then there's my resting heart rate which has skyrocketed in the past 2 weeks.

So I'm stressed and well aware.

I just don't fully know what to do about that.

My stomach was acting up yesterday too and I shit all day long. Don't know how else to say that, so better to just be blunt.

It turns out I do want to feel sorry for myself, I do feel like I'm being singled out by the Universe but something occurred to me yesterday.

If you think about manifestation and putting energy into certain things, I keep finding these kinds of jobs because somewhere along the line, I stopped believing I could be successful anywhere else.

This job, for now, is a means to an end.

I can do all the things I am wanting to do and have this job. But once I've achieved certain goals, I'll have built up confidence and I think the Universe will give me something better....I just need to believe I'm worth it.

What you think is what you manifest.

And btw, speaking of energy. I went down the serial killer hole yesterday. Rex Heuerman pled guilty to 8 murders. Although many suspected, based on evidence, that he was the one, he really is the one, the Gilgo Beach serial killer. I don't think he's the last of a dying breed, but I do think he's probably one of the last of the real scary ones, with multiple victims...I'm glad they got him. He's right where he needs to be.

So here we go, another day, another dollar...or two...or three.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

TGIF!!!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Self Pity and the Universe

I am breathing deep.

Oh, and hello.

Something is up with my computer. Not enough time now to go into it or to try and fix it.

I have to get to work and I am lucky that I had enough time to shower and get dressed.

I wanted to get this started on the computer and I'll finish in the car.

I have to do voice texting so things may be spelled wrong and the wrong words inserted.

Just so you know.

I’m at work and I give no fucks. I technically don’t start until our morning meeting.

I am really negative this morning.

There is only one option and that is to get through this job. To apply for others and hang in until I get an offer. 

Please don’t think this is me not being grateful. Gratitude is the reason I’m here today. Gratitude is the reason I’m sticking this out.

It’s ok to feel my feelings. I just can’t act on them. 

I want to ask why? Why can’t I land a job doing what I can and want to do? The stress of this position is giving me heart palpitations. Literally. I woke up at one last night and my heart was racing and I couldn’t catch my breath.

The self pitying part of me wants to think the Universe is punishing me and that this is my karma compass behavior.

At the end of the day, I don’t think I’m that important. The Universe doesn’t have time to wreak revenge upon me.

It just is what it is.

But I want out of this and for once in my life, I have to do this the right way.

I have to push through all this. 

Gotta go.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie