My Star Still Shines

Good Morning!

It’s amazing to me what can change in a day and what can stay the same.

I got a job offer. It’s the one I was hoping for.

The pay…it’s low.

In a matter of two weeks, I went from the highest paying job I’ve ever had to the lowest.

However, I refuse to look at this as anything other than a huge opportunity.

An opportunity to learn, to fix my shit, to be present in this and to experience this.

My boss, she’s a very kind person. I sense no underlaying anger in her, I sense no drama…in the interview, she was very kind, she answered all my questions, she was forthcoming…all the things I’ve wanted.

I need to focus on that, like that’s where my gratitude must come from and where it must rest in.

Ok, so what now? I need to file bankruptcy asap but it’s expensive so I need to figure that out, also asap.

I need to get a second job.

I need to stay consistent with YouTube and Willow’s Whimsy. That part at least will start with some research on how to get my products advertised (free of cost).

So that’s it.

No other big plans, no lists, no driving myself crazy. I need to learn this time to stay in the present and to let it unfold naturally.

Right now, presence is everything.

I honestly believe that there is where I will find success; in the now.

I think I wrote about the dream I had of dad, the one where he was telling my sister and my kids not to worry because there was a plan for me and he was holding a piece of paper that the plan was written on.

Well yesterday, I had said to Dad that I needed a bit more information because I was floundering…and struggling to believe his message. My bio mom called and as I was talking to her, a cardinal landed not 6 feet from my car; a male and a female. I see cardinals for Dad, he loved them.

And so I saw this pair and it just hit me like a ton of bricks because I had just asked him to come again and there he was.

I went back inside and I had gotten the job offer.

I continue to be blown away at the power of love and connection after death. This is something truly believe in.

So.

I am relieved but still stressed. 

But at least I’m able to have a glimmer of hope as well…and a willingness to continue on.

It’s better to burn out, than to fade away.

My star still shines.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Cardinals

Good Morning!

Boy, waking up for me is a trip lately. I just never know how I’m gonna feel.

Today isn’t dark but I can’t stop crying. My mom, bio mom, called me and as I was talking to her, a cardinal pair landed right by me; male and female and the ironic thing is that you know, I’d had a dream about Dad not to long ago and he was saying in the dream that there was a plan for me. You know, the dreams of mom got me through so much about a year and a half ago so I believed when I had the dream about Dad, that things would be ok but I lost faith in that relatively quickly and I had literally just said to both mom and dad, “ I need something more, I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do.” And I go outside and there they are.

I still don’t know what to do but at least it gave me some peace.

I’ve got my beautiful Grey sitting on my lap purring away.

She’s so skinny. I can feel her bones as I pet her. I love her so much. I’m her person and I’ve never had an animal so bonded to me though I’ve felt loved by my sister’s dog Chatty and of course, Trout, who I honestly felt was my grandson.

I guess today I’m gonna mash it all up; some cleaning, making cupcakes for my daughter’s birthday/housewarming party tomorrow. Job search. Tears if necessary but then get up and keep it going.

Remember the video No More Tears by Ozzy? She fills the room with her tears. I do believe that’s possible now.

But…as far as I know, my cats can’t swim and it would damage my things so perhaps just keep going.

Alright. On with it already.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Seeing What Fits

Good Morning!

Tough night again but two of the cats were up close to me and that always offers comfort.

Today at least it’s not dark. I’m not motivated but I’m also not thinking dark things.

My head is always going and I’m starting to see not only the obvious patterns but the more subtle ones too and I’m seeing it through the unfolding drama of another person.

Some of her stuff reminds me so much of me. 

There is always something I’m working towards, there are so many plans and so many goals and so many dreams and no one could attain all of that at once. I know that with my writing and my videos, it probably looks to many people like I have bipolar disorder and I don’t. I’ve been assessed multiple times and never been diagnosed with it.

If if they’ve missed something, I feel that it would be a rapid cycling very low on the charts bipolar.

But I only bring that up because I realize I’m all over the place and in watching this other person’s drama unfold, it just reminds me so much of me. Periods of despondency followed by something new that’s gonna change everything and never following through on anything and never being able to achieve any of these goals.

I see so much of myself in her stuff and I’m like oh my God because if if I watch her stuff and I’m thinking, oh my God, calm down girl, that’s probably what people think of me and how they react to my stuff.

I think the big difference is that I’m willing to listen to people now and not just poo. Poo what they say because I don’t like it or it feels uncomfortable. I’m willing to try things on now and see if they fit. Not as a way to bash myself, but as a way to see how to fix it.

And so for right now, I need to get healthy physically, and I need to get healthy mentally. I need to file this bankruptcy, I’m going to have to stay in this apartment, there will be no moving for me for a long, long time and I have to accept that because no one will rent me with a bankruptcy on my record. Obviously, I need to find a job.

Once I get a job I’m going to sit down with my sister and go over a budget. 

As far as my YouTube channel and my dream of the business, no plans, just chill and let things unfold as they can.

And I need to let that go, and stay in the moment.

Of all the those things, learning to live in the moment is the biggest.

Learning to accept what is and find gratitude wherever I can, those things alone will make the others so much easier.

I have to start taking care of myself somehow. I have to make me a priority. But in a gentle way, not this maniacal planning and thinking I’ll find happiness when I achieve certain milestones.

I need to find my happiness where I’m at.

Ok.

So I guess on with it and here we go.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Get On With Things

Good Morning,

I got some sleep! Too much probably. But it’s better than the alternative. It takes some of the darkness away.

My bestie called and I got a lovely text from another friend.

The interview yesterday went very well but I can’t dare to hope.

So I’m gonna clean up the apartment a bit, I’m going to make an appointment with an attorney to talk about the cost of filing bankruptcy and at least I’ve come to a place of acceptance with that.

I’m going to try and act as if and just get through, one moment and one day at a time because I have no answers and I honestly don’t know what to do. It’s new territory, my actually staying engaged while going through this fresh hell.

Drama, lol.

Ok, well I’m gonna go and just get on with things.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wish I Could Say

Good Morning,

I wish I could say I’m better but I’m not.

I will say this to anyone worried. Yes, I am having thoughts. They are not well formed. They are a wish at this point. They haven’t bloomed into an actual plan.

Because these thoughts are volatile, and have the power to cause harm and worry in those I love, I’m not going to write about it anymore.

I need help. But I have no insurance. So therapy and meds are out of the question right now.

I have to try and hold on. I’m not sure if I can but on my shorts and in these posts, I’ll try to focus on solution as much as I can.

I did write out a list of what’s to come.

Credit card payments will not be made and the phone calls will start

Loan payment will not be made and they have a lien in the car. I don’t know how long it will take them to repo it.

Rent will not get paid for June and we’ll be evicted and out by end of June.

So there it is in black and white.

My whole life going down the toilet in 3 sentences. 

I am so disappointed in Stevie Nicks. I’ve loved her my whole life. 

She debuted at the Met Gala. Why? She never seems like one of those kinds of people.

I literally feel like I got betrayed by my sister or something.

My interview got pushed to today at 12:30 so I have to get ready for that and somehow try to act like a normal human being and not start bawling and beg them for this job. I know that they interviewed a ton of people. I’m old, I don’t have money to get my hair done so all my gray roots are showing and I have an ugly yellow tooth. Yeah, good luck with that. 

Onwards!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Oh Man

Oh man.

I did not sleep last night. I have an interview this morning but I guess I feel like why bother?

You guys. I can’t do this anymore.

I had some wine yesterday, in a desperate effort to get some sleep and I ended up taking a drive down memory lane. Not good. I guess that’s misleading. Not memory lane in the sense that I used. I didn’t do that. I literally took a drive down memory lane. I ended up crapping my pants. Apparently wine and IBS don’t mix.

The thoughts that were going through my head and still are. 

If it ends up that there isn’t an afterlife, I guess that’s ok, at least there will be peace.

I’m tired of living like this.

Something has to give.

I need help.

I’ve been keeping on a happy face for my daughter and not letting her see the despair I feel because she doesn’t deserve that.

But I am drowning. Drowning in despair and I miss mom and dad so much.

So much.

That’s all I’ve got. I’m going to try and get in about an hour of sleep and I guess I’ll get up and go to this interview.

I’m just so tired.

Tired

Hello everyone,

Uffda, today is hard. I’ve officially hit bottom. I have no fight left. I give up.

I’m tired as fuck. 

Can the remainder of my time here be good? Can I just have a couple things happen for me? 

A decent job, living within my means, a little bit of travel. Cats, a dog. Somewhere to live within enough space to move around comfortably?

I give up.

I’m not saying I’m ending things. I’m saying I’m done fighting. I throw in the towel.

I’ve got nothing. 

My daughter told me today she’s tired of living in fight or flight and I right there with her.

Boy, I bring people along for the ride, don’t I?

Tired. 

I’m gonna take a nap and see if that helps.

Today…it’s just a hard one.

I hope that all of you have a good day.

I hope you are blessed with the things I want for myself.

Love & Light,

Neecie