Discomfort

 

Good Morning!

Monday fucking Monday. Poor Monday. It seems to be the day of the week that gets the worst rap.

It’s really not the day itself. Imagine not having to work. Monday would be the greatest day ever, lol.

But not yet.

Here I am.

Today I am contending with the weird nerve pain I sometimes get in my back. I’m going to have get up quite a bit at work as it will become unbearable if I just sit here.

It hurts.

So…

I’m quitting smoking as of right now. I did smoke this morning but I can’t stand it and I know that my health is at a standstill for now and that it will start to go down in the opposite direction I want if I don’t do this now.

Enough fucking around.

It’s hard, not having my friend.

But what a toxic fucking friend.

Ok, so there’s that.

I’m getting off coffee too.

Enough.

If I’m gonna be a slave to anything, let it be being healthy.

I am praying I can find my place in the business that has to come.

I want peace.

There is peace at the end of what I want to accomplish in the next month but there is also peace in the middle of it and that’s where I’m going to be if I just get through the things I want to do.

And I just pray with everything I have, that I can also end this with a new job.

You guys, the old tapes are playing and I’m working through them. I promise you I’m working through them but I don’t want to be here.

I don’t want to be at any job and I know that but…there’s a lot of holding people accountable except for one here and that I’m weary of it. I’m tired.

So, Frodo got adopted. Frodo, if you don’t recall, is the beautiful puppy that was brought into and back out of my life.

I’m happy for him and hoping for the best. I will always love him.

The timing was so fucking bad.

And I will carry guilt in my heart until the day I die and I so hope that there is something after this life because I envision that little soul meeting me or you know if I go first, sooner than I anticipate, that I will be there when he crosses.

I miss him sleeping curled up next to me every night and I long to have that again with another pup someday.

Now I’m sobbing at my desk again.

I have so much in front of me.

I can’t let it overwhelm me.

One thing at a time.

I want my mom.

I want my dad.

But as Samhain approaches, I need to honor them a bit more.

I just realized I have anxiety today.

It’s OK, it is what it is.

I know I want to go home, I know I don’t want to be here but there is no choice right now.

So suck it up.

Stay as busy as is possible and then get the fuck out of here.

Some of the stuff I wanted to get done yesterday; I can get done here today when we’re in down time.

So here we go.

I wish you all a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Little Menace

Hi Loves,

Well yesterday was apparently the kick of Princess KickAss, The Get’er Done Girl’s get up and go mode.

I got SO much done. Not everything because my God, there is a LOT!! But off to a great start.

Very slow this morning but gonna kick it in to high gear now.

It’s mostly errands and preparing for the week but it’s a good start.

I spent some time with my sister. It was much needed and has been to long.

Her sweet pup is changing. It was hard for me. Because I haven’t been out there, I’m sure the change was extremely dramatic. That’s not to say in any way that my sister isn’t well aware of the changes and is on top of her care. She is. Any dog would be lucky to be taken under her care and love.

It’s very, very sad. I sat with her and told her stories about the happy memories I have with her. I just want her to know she matters to me and that my life was improved by knowing her and that I love her so much.

Hard stuff.

Something funny though; It is not uncommon for me to have a visit from Pumpkin during my sleep. She often times will plop down beside me and pester me to pet her but I swear sometimes she comes up just to have some attitude.

She’ll bat at me when I pet her, she’ll non-chalantly knock shit off my night stand.

That was her mood last night. 

Then she got off the bed and commenced chewing on my dresser drawers and trying to get them open.

Little menace!

But I wouldn’t have her any other way.

So I better get moving.

The first thing on the list is shopping; a bit of groceries, cat food, kitty litter, lamps (hopefully inexpensive ones) for someone who just moved and has no lights in his apartment, and one other item that’s not really a purchase.

So off I go.

Have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

A Vision

Hello and Happy Saturday!

Y’girl is in “go” mode. Princess KickAss has arrived and is gettin’er done!

Cleaned my bathroom and the kitchen. Showered and done my Wim Hof breathing.

I’ve done my AM skincare and hair care.

I’ll blog in between tasks.

I had plans for the entire day but sister texted last night and asked if I wanted to hang out. 

Turns out I do.

So.

I’m just going to try and get as much done as possible before setting out to her place.

Oh. I’m doing laundry too and I anticipate that being finished, dried, put away before liftoff as well.

I plan on coming back around five, doing bougie bath and chilling out for the rest of the evening.

Although I envision Sundays someday being my relax and fun day, I have got to apply for jobs tomorrow and grocery shop and cook for the week and work in my various “projects.”

In between that, my daughter and I are gonna visit an apple orchard. 

I want to make apple crisp!!

So on that note, I go back to cleaning.

I’m telling myself I’m working towards something.

I have a vision of what that is but I’m open.

Hope you are too.

Enjoy your Saturday!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My Mind is Brilliant

 

Good Morning!

Words cannot even express how needed it is to be Friday.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

You guys, I want the puppy back. I can’t stop thinking about him. This is horrible. He was not meant to be sitting there in a fucking rescue. He needs his mom.

I continue to struggle over this.

I wasn’t ready before. I know that financially, I am not ready now but he can’t just sit there.

I don’t know what to do.

I pray everyday to whatever God there might be, that this little guy comes back to me…or finally gets adopted out.

I love him so much.

Please pray for him that he find a home.

This is awful.

Just absolutely awful.

He matters!

I pray for some kind of resolution with this, within my heart or with him finding a good home.

Or somehow coming on enough money to move and have space for him.

Please.

Ok, trying to put this aside.

I am starting a new VisionList as my New Year is approaching.

And there is so much.

Please let this be a good year for me.

Please.

Please let me dig deep and find me and grow so far beyond what I think possible.

Please give me the energy I need to move forward.

I am going to push, not obnoxiously so, but I am going to push…please subscribe to my channel, my YouTube channel.

I’m back to doing affirmations again.

Snoop Dog!

Today’s is: My Mind is Brilliant

Well alrighty then, lol.

Sure.

There are different kinds of brilliant.

It’s all about perspective and my mind is brilliant.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Sticking

Good Morning!

Man. How I wish it was Friday but alas, that wish is an act of futility.

I took a call from my daughter and then I went right to bed when I got home yesterday.

I woke up at 7, to take a call from my son and went back to bed.

But hey. I was up at 4. I did laundry, I meditated. I put stuff away. You know, same same.

Just once in my life, I want to see what I could accomplish if I fucking stayed consistent and didn’t let my “me shit” get in the way.

Per the norm, I don’t want to go to work today.

There’s huge amounts of downtime at this job but the problem is that the busy stuff comes in spurts.

And I know my time there is done but I’m still not doing the work to get the hell out of there.

At this point, I do know I’m the only one who can pull myself out of this.

I need a plan.

Well fuck that, this is me we’re talking about. I always have a plan.

I need to stick to one of them.

The biggest piece for me is accepting I’m tired, I will continue to be tired and just push through.

I know that I can’t put 8 hours of sleep together. But I can manage 6 to 6 and a half.

So I kind of like getting up at 4. So go to bed at 9 and get shit done in the AM.

The magnesium seems to be on hiatus as far as working but maybe if I stick to a bedtime plan too, my body will finally know what to expect and respond accordingly.

I don’t know.

Random thoughts and all that.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Weird Word

Good Morning!

Second day up by 4:30. My sweet spot seems to be going to bed by 9:00 or 9:30 and getting up at 4:30. 

I do have wakefulness again and I think it’s in part to all the stress.

But for now, things have eased up a bit.

I posted about sleeping with my cats and I have to tell you, when all 3 of them come up on the bed, it’s hysterical. Grey wants to be left alone by the other two so she gets as close to me as she can. 

But she straight up avoids the section of the bed that Pumpkin commands if she chooses to grace me with her presence, which is right up by my face on the edge of the bed.

Mocha will sleep or stand on the pillow next to me and once in a very blue moon, she’ll take over Grey’s spot on my hip. 

My awkward kitty. But full of love.

So I leave work at 4 and last night when I got home, the parking lot was closed for sweeping and I just didn’t feel like walking a gajillion miles to get home so I drove around. My girl E called and we ended up talking forever as is the norm for us.

It helped. People don’t know how much they help when they call and of course, that’s if I opt to take the call but for her, Beast and Kirsten, I usually do.

Some people start to go down the fixing me, or thinking they can, road and those people I can’t talk to all the time. Like there has to be some emotional preparation for me, lol.

Because it’s ok for me to resist what doesn’t fit but people seem to get mad about that.

But those three girls don’t do that. They let me be me.

And I guess, lastly, that my tummy hurts. It’s sicko. It has been for awhile. Nauseousness has become the norm.

What a weird word. Say it a few times; nauseous.

It’s kind of fun.

Oh I don’t wanna adult but then I NEVER want to adult.

I need an ice pick. For regular, in the freezer ice. It makes these bugs clumps in the freezer and it’s annoying.

I use it to make my shakes.

Bla bla bla.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie 

Princess F*cking KickAss

Hello,

I don’t have a ton of time although it’s been a good morning. I got up at about 4:30 as there was no more sleep to be had.

Can I just say it?

Because you know it had to come to this. You know it always does.

I hate my job.

My boss was on vacation last week and of course I went to the hospital at about 1:00AM Friday morning. I was late to work but I made it in.

Yesterday, she gives me this speech about reliability. I gotta tell you, I almost told her fuck you. I’m at work everyday. I have not missed a ton and when I have, it’s been medical, as in hospital stuff.

I am reliable.

Fuck that.

Not owning that one and I told her so.

I just ignore her now when she does this shit and it drives her nuts.

Man.

Look…priorities.

I have finally figured out, and this was only yesterday, that I can only pick one thing to do for myself each night.

So.

Tonight it’s applying for jobs. There are several I’m qualified for at one place so I’m going to sit down at my computer and apply for them all tonight.

Nothing else.

Historically, I hate a job, I feel helpless and resentful and I split, creating a trail of chaos behind me.

Do I actually hate this job?

No.

But while I like my boss, I have to say that I don’t like certain things. I don’t like the hypocrisy. I don’t like being accused of being unreliable when my time off is for medical emergencies.

The borderline personality in me wants to give her the finger and a fuck you very much.

The only answer is to find a new job.

And that’s where I struggle. I keep myself stuck by refusing to do the things I need to do to get out of certain situations.

There is a whole psychology behind this.

And only I can change it.

Only I can change it.

So let’s say I do things the old way; I leave today when she says something annoying. I no longer have income coming in. I now have immediate consequences.

And who knows how long those consequences will take to turn around in my favor. Recent history has shown me it’s taking longer and longer.

I can’t do things the way I have done them.

Also, I still am not doing shit in the evenings.

If my priority is finding a new job, then I have to do that. Mornings won’t work. There are other things I wish to do in the AM.

So, Oh, I changed my name. Instead of The Help Me Girl, I am now Princess KickAss, the Get’er Done Girl.

So what exactly does a Get’er Girl do? She prioritizes and she keeps going. She sticks to the plan and adjusts only when life happens and she has to let go of her priorities for the moment. Being tired is not life happening.

So tonight, I am applying for every single job available with one company, it’s a Corporate entity, that I am qualified for and I am qualified for all of the admin jobs so that comes first and then if there’s still time prior to bedtime, I’m on it.

I’ll report how the Princess does tomorrow.

I have huge lags of time here where I’m doing nothing. I would love to be proactive but with my boss hovering over me…I don’t like doing that.

She notices everything and usually finds a reason to tell me why it’s wrong.

Whatever.

On both of my short breaks today, I am going to just go for quick walks to get my body moving. I woke in a horrid neighborhood but I spent years visiting horrid neighborhoods with my addiction so…I got this.

I’m going to bring a yoga mat to work starting next week and instead of going outside to smoke, I’ll go upstairs and do yoga.

20 minutes a day.

I am getting so close to my goal of 1K subscribers to my YouTube channel and I would just like to ask respectfully that you subscribe. I would be so grateful.

Here is today’s short:

 

 

Thank you!

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie