Avoid...Nothing

Good Morning,

You guys, I'm kindof, I'm in a place where I'm willing to really look at things. I talked about hitting bottom with the money thing, but it's not just money and my relationship with it, but it's also my health, my mental health, my physical health...all of it.

And you know, the doom scrolling on my phone, smoking...yeah, all of it is ritualistic but what I realized is that it's also avoidance. Complete and utter avoidance and when you look back over my life...avoidance. 

I don't think it's about anything too deep; like self sabotage definitely is a part of that, but man do I have a time with effort. I do think it's just easier to be lazy. 

And that I can track back to childhood. Effort is something I have always struggled with. If there was an immediate payoff, then yes, I could make an effort but sustained effort and I have never been friends. 

Sustainable effort is what I strive for.

So I'm thinking about that.

I must take a moment to acknowledge that thinking doing something abut it, are two different things.

So now we switch gears although this does reflect back to lack of effort.

My IBS. It's been OUT of control for the past 3 days and I'm over this. It interrupts everything. It hurts, it's dirty. Yeah, I keep myself clean but it's dirty and inconvenient and it hurts.

I can't anymore.

I have tried so many things but the only things, and I don't know if this would hold true long term...because effort...but avoidance of certain kinds of carbs does seem to make this worse. Anything with tomatoes in it, especially tomato sauces, those trigger huge problems with me. Things like corn products and onions seem to trigger it as well.

Beans...to a certain extent.

All I know, is I cannot deal with this anymore, it's exhausting. Because it's daily, I don't have the kind where I have an occasional attack only. I do have occasional full on attacks but you have to understand that cramping on and off all morning and then having huge mudbath poops is not bearable.

A lot of what I have been going through has become unbearable.

I may never be able to overcome IBS, but maybe I can make it manageable.

That's what I've got for today.

I hope you all have a day that is good and full of abundance.

Be Blessed.

May you go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

I Owe Myself Trust

Good Morning!

Yikes you guys, another night of weird ass dreams. 

So...we're gonna be ok for rent. Again.

There really is one person who has gotten me through all this. Others have done things, one person did a big thing too. But the person I'm referring to, has been consistent in helping me. 

There are others who could but don't and they are not obligated to do so.

I only bring that up because people have asked. 

And honestly, that's one of many reasons I'm so grateful for this person.

Of course, I am grateful for the actual help but it goes deeper than that. It's the trust this person has shown in me.

And ya know, once I'm working again, everything is on me; paying these people who have helped, back. Paying off my debt but also being ready for the layoff if that will come again next November if I end up having to go back to the same job, if I'm unable to find another one. It's all on me.

Because I don't want to go through this again.

Ever.

And it's hard. There have been days I didn't eat much and I could've gone and charged food on what credit cards I haven't completely maxed out but I didn't.

And yeah...fucking smoking.

I'm not gonna even touch that one because it's...it's fully loaded and it's fully shameful and it seems impossible to overcome.

That whole you can't teach an old dog new tricks thing but I have to believe you can and that applys not only to quitting once and for all but also to making this debt disappear.

Circling back to the trust thing, if other's can trust me in spite of how I've been, then on some level, don't I need to trust myself?

Don't I owe myself that?

I don't know.

I'm just grateful.

Yesterday, I did a cleanse on someone who went through something terrible recently. It's been awhile since I invoked certain Goddesses, since I used herbs and oils in a spiritual setting and performed ritual but she said she experienced huge relief from it and I felt it too.

I'm grateful again, for the trust of another individual, to perform healing for her.

So on that note, I am moving forward with my day.

I wish you all an amazing day.

May you go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

So on that note, I go on with my day and it's another day of sunshine which is always a plus.

Too Busy to Panic

 

Good Morning!

The sun is shining! It's been shining so much more lately, the last week for sure, more often than not. Yay. I'm telling you it makes a difference.

Yesterday, as I said I was going to, I made mom's sloppy joe recipe. It was so good. This is gonna sound weird but it's like having her here, tasting certain things that she made. 

Mom left such a beautiful legacy.

So far this morning, I have been focusing on my morning routine. I need to speed things up clearly. I'm not trying to get up at 5 yet, just want to get the routine down and make it a habit. 

I've got a cat rubbing up against my leg. "Little" Pumpkin.

I discovered something yesterday. She is a scratcher. I already know the bottoms of my furniture are trashed but it was cheap so who cares.

However, she will jump onto the kitchen counter, then up to the fridge and then to the top of the cabinets and then...she fucking scratches the cabinets in one spot.

It's trashed and there will be no way I can fix it.

So once I'm working two jobs, and I'm settled into my budget, I am going to purchase a shit-ton of scratching posts and I'll be putting one up above the cabinets too.

My sister is the only one who can trim her nails so I'm going to need to get her out here at least once a month to do so...yah hear that sis? Your services are needed, lol.

I feel so bad for Pumpkin, because I think she'd do so well with a baby kitty. She needs a friend. Grey wants nothing to do with her, except when she's sleeping because Grey likes the warmth she provides and Mocha will sometimes give her a little kiss but that's it.

But for now...no kitten and certainly, no puppy.

So I'm going to try to keep moving today again, just moving and getting things done. It takes the panic down a notch. 

I did my taxes but holy shit, Turbo Tax charges a fortune now. It used to be you only paid to submit your state taxes. Now you pay for both plus a fee.

Wow. And I will have enough to pay my rent on Thursday, I just won't have it by then.

I don't know. This is so hard and I'm so fucking close but all I can do is just...stay busy so I don't give in to the panic and fear.

You guys, I have made it the last 15 months of this fucking shit, SOBER. Well, I had a beer and a half last summer and I had a sip of a marguerita I made for daughter, also last summer but no drunkeness and no drugs. I found out that alcohol and my stomach do NOT get along anymore so I just figure why bother. But my point is, would that really matter if I just wanted to say fuck it? This has been the most stressed out I've ever been but I am managing it and I have not used.

I'm happy about that. Because if that was still factoring in, I just have to shake my head, I don't want to even think about what things would be like.

I do have things to look forward to this week. I am hoping to find someone who wants to meet for coffee, get me out of this apartment, on Friday a movie that was released in Europe is finally being released here and I am going to go to the rock night at the place I go rollerskating. I gave up Sundays because of cost and because I hate the music they play. Bad music is, for me, the same as stinky stuff. I no like.

It's $2 cheaper during the week too...soooo....winning.

And I have an interview on Thursday. Much of today is going to be about preparing for that interview.

And so there you have how and where things are at today.

I hope you have a good one. Be Blessed.

May you go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Sunday Full Moon

Good Morning!!

It’s Sunday, the start of a new week and my heart feels like it’s breaking. I can’t say why.

I feel so heavy and overwhelmed.

I had horrid nightmares last night. Thankfully, I don’t remember any of them now but I woke up several times screaming and crying out and even yelling fuck you at one point.

So I didn’t wake up ok this morning. But then my son called and I was ok for awhile and now I’m bawling.

I made some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls for breakfast and I’m making my mom’s sloppy Joe recipe for dinner with beans and corn. 

I can’t afford it but I had to get some groceries. I had to. I was so hungry yesterday and the only food we had left was street tortillas and a little bit of cheese so I made one and called it my foods of the day. My daughter got me some peanut m&m’s when I picked her up from work.

So yeah, I had to get some food. 

I also had to get cheap old school kitty litter and my cats are FREAKING out. I’m so close. God, if I can just make it for another month and a half…so close.

My boy just called me again. Two times in one day. My whole heart.

My bestie has been calling one or two times a week lately and it helps so much. I can talk politics with her and not get stressed out. I can vent, I can cry if I need to, but most of all, we just laughed. We were talking about some of the shit we used to pull and some of the shenanigans that are legendary and we were laughing so hard. I would love to go back in time and give absolutely zero fucks, but having fun again.

I really hope there is something after this life because the thought of just stopping, and not having her energy near me, or my sisters, or my brother’s, or mom and dad…my kids. That would be awful and there would be only a whisper of my heartache left here, longing for them. I hope we continue in whatever form. I want to see Buffy and Casey, I want to see Venus. I want to see Bono. I want to see all the cats that unfortunately, came into my life and left relatively quickly because I was so irresponsible. I want to see my beloved Fox.

I want to see Syler, Trickle and Stanley and Friend. I want to see Cubby and Bling Bling and Newgee. I want to see Maple and of course, my son’s beloved Trout. That dog was my friend.  One of my besties. His loss is still felt. I’m unable to talk about him without tearing up. For what he meant to me but mostly do what he meant to my son.

I am having a good cry. I guess I need it.

And now…it’s almost noon. So I guess I’ll go do some stuff and carry on.

Full moon this evening. It’s warmer out. I’m going to make some moon water tonight as I’m doing a cleansing for someone close to my heart tomorrow.

I’d like her to use the water as part of the cleansing.

I wish I had some yarrow but I don't have the time or money to go get it but I have enough to make this a meaningful cleanse and to put up protection for her.

Alright, well, it's now afternoon and the day is moving slowly but so be it.

I hope you all are having a good one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I Never Have To...

 

Good Morning Everyone,

I've been struggling all morning with motivation. I killed it yesterday. I need to kill it today. If I do, tomorrow is all about doing things I like doing, I want to do, relaxation, etc.

Why is it so important? It's important because I can't be sitting on my ass. I've done a lot of it during this lay off and it wasn't supposed to be this way. Always with the excuses with me. Geez.

I want this amazing life and amazing opportunities but I seem to want them to just come to me and I do know that that happens for some people but it's not the norm. Hard work.

And we all know I suck at hard work.

I got a great night's sleep so you think I would be jumping at the bit to start my day but nooooo.

So I'm starting it now.

I'm not sure what kept me motivated yesterday but whatever it was...it was good.

Wonder Woman stance starts now.

Today can be a lot of things. 

I never have to weigh as much as I do right now.

I never have to smoke again.

I never have to be quite as poor as I am today.

I never have to wish my life away, I can do.

I never have to fully give in to depression or my weird ritual oriented anxiety.

I never have to pick again.

There are so many I never have to's again.

I never have to be lazy again unless it's planned.

I don't know, let's get this bitch going because yesterday felt so good and I went to bed knowing that I rocked it and it felt amazing.

I want to go to bed feeling that every night for the rest of my life.

So on that note, forwards we go.

Be Blessed.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Preparing Now

 

Hi Everyone,

Ahhhhh, it's been a get up and go kind of day and I am hoping I can maintain this until bedtime because today is that day. I just want to be productive and get shit behind me.

There is much to do and not all of it is the normal stuff I do ritualistically.

So onwards little soldier go I.

I'm getting to that point with all of this where I am sick of myself. I'm sick of my stupid patterns, I'm sick of struggling emotionally, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I'm sick of my life being the way it is.

And so today; today I'm not questioning anything or overthinking anything, at least so far. Let's just continue that.

Please and thank you.

After this blog, I have some other computer stuff to do and you know, then it's on with the damn list. I mean the "computer stuff" denotes important things, it's just that they are sit down and focus kinds of things.

We all know how that goes with me but it is what it is.

So just push through. I did the wonder woman stance thing this morning. I learned that from Grey's Anatomy. You stand like one of the comic book heros, feet spread out about a foot and a half, head up, hands strongly on your hips and you see yourself as a superhero. I'm a big one for visuals. I imagine myself as Linda Carter, in her wonder woman suit, strong, beautiful, confident and ready to go. The thing about it is, yeah, it's goofy at first but it is empowering and if things get flaky during the day, including me and my attitude or my motivation, I can either stand up and do the stance again or I can at least envision it.

And I imagine it filling me with superhuman powers, lol.

Imma powerful biatch and I don't play. Not to sound tough but you know, tough on myself in a good way.

I'm going on 4 hours of sleep right now, it hasn't been good. The full moon is Sunday so I should sleep OK tomorrow night but we shall just have to wait and see what tonight brings.

I am going to be busy on a level I haven't been before once I start working again because I will have a second job until all my debt is paid off.

The day all loans, credit cards and personal debts are paid off, I quit the second job.

But I have to start exercising discipline and self-awareness now so I'm ready for it when it comes. So...I plan to stay busy as fuck with Sunday's being my only down day because I will not work on Sundays. I need at least one day a week off.

Ok, so there you have it.

I'll let you know tomorrow how the rest of the day goes.

Be Blessed.

Go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

Nightmares

Hi Everyone,

I forgot to blog yesterday. It would've been more of the same anyways. Lord.

Anyways, last night I went to bed at 8:30 and I did wake up a couple times but went right back to sleep, until 1:00AM that is. I was up until 4. My daughter couldn't sleep either. 

I did eventually fall back to sleep around 4 and got up at 7:30 but you guys...the dreams. And I know what each and every one of them meant. It's fear related to what I've been going through with the finances. 

And I swear...once I either go back to the job I'm laid off from, or get a new one, I will never be in this situation again. Never.

I can cry and bemoan oh why, oh why but the answer is quite simple. Because I behave like an asstard when it comes to money.

Hello.

Hollah.

Yeah, so never again.

If I go back to the job I'm laid off from, I will continue to look for something without a layoff but I'll be getting a second job too and by the time I'm laid off at this job again, if that ends up being the case...I will be credit card and personal debt free and the only thing I'll have to worry about is the loan I have. That's the biggest one of all. And that's going to take more than 9 months to fix.

I talked to my daughter too last night and if things are going well, we intend to sign the lease in August for one more year and then...we'll be saving to get the hell out.

I want to write about what kind of place I want to live in, but I've written about before and we're not there yet.

Full moon in two days and I am going to do ritual for the first time in what feels like a millenia.

Today, I am going to start out doing all the things I usually put off until my morning routine is complete and thus do not get done. I've made some body butters and I need to make some more and some bathbombs, I need to do my taxes. Job search.

Ok, so I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Go in Safety, Love & Light and be a badass,

Neecie