Don't Even Know...WTF

Hello…

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

I got nothing and at the same time, I got everything.

My car got repoed.

I called the attorney and he said that to get it back, I will have to pay the value of the car, which is around 6K.

So the car is gone for good and I need to pay the attorney immediately so garnishments don’t begin.

I am not going to lie. I want to quit this job. I want to walk the fuck out now. I hate this job. I can’t stand my boss. She’s consumed with herself and has no boundaries in how she treats other people.

And you know, oh my God, I am not one to take shit but not only have I taken it from this horrorshow of a woman, I have eaten it.

I’m eating shit.

Everyday.

Fuck this.

I want my mom. I do, I want my mom.

But she went to heaven.

So did my dad.

And here I am. And I am completely overwhelmed and have no idea what the right thing to do is.

My boss humiliated and degraded me yesterday. I have to get out of here.

At some point, doesn’t this have to balance out? Can the Universe be done picking on me for awhile? Go pick on someone who deserves it.

I called the cops to find out if I had to report the car just in case it was stolen and they actually were able to confirm that it was the loan company.

So fuck them.

I get it.

I’m not mad at the loan company, I’m mad at myself.

I just…I make shit for money. How the fuck am I supposed to pay the attorney when I have NO MONEY?

I have been circling the drain for so long and just fucking holding on in each situation and I can see the end goal, it’s right there but I can’t fucking get there because the current pulling me under is to fucking strong.

I want to quit. I want to just grab my purse and walk out of here right now. I don’t even care if it’s the fucking hood. I want to start walking and just walk somewhere…anywhere.

I don’t want to be here.

My heart is pounding, I want to throat punch someone (my boss preferably) and just fly. Just fly.

I don’t want to work for someone who is no empathy in her whatsoever. She bitches about her stepdaughter who is autistic all the time and it’s fucking cruel.

But I pretend to be supportive.

You can’t say anything to my boss. She overrides you. She’s awful.

Please God, get me OUT of here.

I DON’T want to be here anymore.

I don’t know what else to say. I got nothing but ick that wants to come out.

If I get through this day without walking out of here permanently, it will be nothing short of a  miracle. My boss is going to be in late this morning and she better keep her fat fucking yap shut.

At this point, I’m fine with going to jail. It would be worth it to clock the bitch.

Ok…ok.

I’m out.

Be Blessed.

Seriously, be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Why Am I Obsessed Over This

 

Hi Everyone,

Good Morning.

So far, my morning has been quiet. Something felt different when I got up this morning. Better. Calmer.

Not that it’s been wild or anything like that but a sense of calm and a sense of being fulfilled in the moment.

I’m not used to sitting in, and being present in, any given moment. But I let myself feel it, I didn’t try to stir things up within my mind. I just took it in.

And I liked it.

It’s been a still day. I suppose that could change but I’m not going to look for it to.

One thing that has weighed heavy on my mind, but that I haven’t come to any conclusion about is Christa Pike. It’s a touchy subject.

I don’t want to replay her crime here, it was horrible. There’s no contesting that part of things. She also was charged with attempted murder and I believe found guilty, in prison. But if you actually do the research, it seems likely that she was defending another prisoner. It wasn’t a random attack.

I mean, I wasn’t there, I don’t know.

Anyways, she was supposed to be put to death last week and she is literally the first person to survive two attempts in a row, to kill her using pentobarbital. They tried twice because that’s what the protocol calls for. She had appealed and applied for clemency but she had also asked that they consider hanging her or shooting her because she legit has issues with her veins.

What she experienced was legit a kind of torture.

And then, they rushed her to the hospital where she was expected not to make it but shockingly, she did.

One of the things that people for the death penalty have been screaming about, is that all this attention is going to Christa and not the victim, Colleen Slemmer.

I have been leaning towards no death penalty. And it’s not that I don’t care what that girl had to endure before she died, I do, it’s too much to contemplate or fully take in because it’s so awful, but there are a lot of things that led up to t he rage Christa experienced.

Things that were not Colleen Slemmer’s fault and that she had nothing to do with. Her mother drank alcoholically during her pregnancy with her, she was sexually abused as a toddler, she was beaten a LOT, then she was sexually assaulted again and one year prior to the murder, she was pulled off the street and raped by a stranger.

I know the arguments here. Many people go through horrific childhoods and they don’t grow up to do these things. I acknowledge that and I get it.

Still. I just feel…two wrongs don’t make a right, let her spend her life in prison. No parole, no way out.

Why can’t that be enough?

And did the torture Christa went through with the botched execution even come close to what Colleen experienced? I have serious doubts.

Still.

But here’s what gets me everytime I try to turn this over in my mind; if it was one of my girls, my sisters, my mom, my besties? I’d want to kill her myself. Like…let me at her.

I know rage. I know abandonment.

Christa is me minus the sexual abuse stuff.

But the rage and how the rage can come upon you in just the right (one could argue wrong) set of circumstances and it boils over, it consumes you.

I just…I don’t know.

Two days ago, they said she was brain dead and was going to be removed from the ventilator the next day, and then yesterday, she woke up.

Is that a God thing? The crazy Christians don’t think so. They’re picky about their miracles. I say Crazy, meaning the ones who claim Jesus but live nothing like how he lived or what he preached.

I do think she’s a miracle. And I’m not a born again anything, I’m not a “God” type of girl. But I do think she’s a miracle, and a warning.

But then…again…what it was someone I loved? That’s changes the playing field drastically.

It’s hard, this is hard stuff.

Why am I wasting my time on this? I have no idea why this story has affected me so much. I guess because I can relate to Christa on some level.

There’s something about her.

The girls who killed Shanda Sharer? I don’t feel the same way. All of them have been released after serving time according to who did what, but at least one of them should’ve received the death penalty as far I’m concerned. And her life was horrid too.

This is why I could never make a good argument either way.

Time to let it go.

Time to just let it go.

But I am doing ritual on the 31^st and I may speak on this…in my circle, alone with my idea of that which is greater than I.

I just had to write it all out, because I’ve been a bit obsessive about it and it’s time to let go, like I just wrote.

So we are in for 3 bizarrely warm days. I’m not a happy camper about that but it is what it is and supposedly, it’ll plummet right back down to my happy temps after the 3 days.

Sheesh.

I don’t know how, but I resisted picking today. I have a gaping wound on my arm that started out as two separate wounds and now are almost one.

This is terrible. I wish I could stop. But I resisted long enough to get to work and to put some anti bacterial stuff on it and get it covered with a bandaid. I have an ouch on my lower arm and my leg too. I picked at the one on my leg but didn’t do too much damage. I hate that I have this thing.

At the end of all that, yeah, it’s so far been a good, calm day.

I love envisioning the day I can walk out of here for the last time.

It’s not an anger thing anymore, I ask humbly, to whoever is in charge of this thing called life, they he/she/it/they remove from this current experience and provide me with one more in line with my financial needs and what I’m good at doing.

Thank you.

Ok, have a good day everyone.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Nostalgia

 

Good Morning,

Deep breaths. I just got word that one of my bestie’s lost her mom last night. There’s a whole history there.

It’s funny how when you get older, those histories don’t always matter the way they once did, or they hold no power and how you can see as an adult, the bigger picture.

I got to see her mom about a month and a half ago.

And for me at least, everything came full circle.

So why the tears?

I often write about my nostalgia for my youth and I don’t think I’m unique in that. I just long to go back.

Kirsten, Lisa and I, tearing up terror and shenanigans and much laughter. Years of Kirsten and I creating shenanigans and memories…you know, it’s just hard.

Of the core group of us, only I have one parent still living; Lisa’s mom and dad are gone, Shari’s mom and dad are gone, Becky’s mom and dad are gone and now Kirsten too, has lost both parents.

I have lost my birthfather, and my Grandparents who raised me (for me, they were mom and dad) but my bio mom is still alive and I do consider her to be my “mommy” as I call her.

It’s a very strange thing, moving into the role of elder. I can’t say I enjoy it. I much prefer the freedom of my youth, thank you very much.

Mommy will be 78 this year and I hope she stays as long as possible, as long as she is in good health and no pain.

The no pain thing, the no suffering thing, is huge for me. I don’t hold well with pain and suffering and I have told everyone if it gets to that for me, or if I’m diagnosed with dementia in the early stages, I’m out.

I don’t want anyone to be surprised by that.

If I don’t go naturally, and something befalls me, be it illness or just physical pain as I age, I have put everyone on notice that I will take myself out. I have very strong feelings about that.

I want to be remembered as I was and not what I became as a result of illness or infirmity, ya know?

But in a way, our parents are our anchors and my friend’s mom, she was an anchor for me too. She was one of many adults who had an impact on me at one time or another. You know, you have the anchor and the foundation (which were my friendships) was held in place, maybe sometimes not well, but still, the anchors that held my foundation and that of my friends in place).

I wish I could go home.

I just want to cry.

I’m glad it’s not busy here.

I’m proud of my friend for many, many reasons; she took care of her mom. She didn’t have to do that. But she did. And I know my friend is probably feeling all the feelings; sad, relieved, exhausted. I’m sure there are so many memories coming up.

Not sure what I can do for her, but I want to do something.

It’s hard. My sister lost her lil’ Chatty Girl puppy recently and sometimes you don’t know what to do or say. But I try and I’ll show up if they need me to.

Mmmm…sad. So sad.

Not what I expected for this past week.

Life happens, right, and sometimes…life…changes.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

To Live Like A Cat

Good Morning,

I guess if I could learn to live in the moment, I wouldn’t sit here all week waiting on Friday.

I’m not there yet.

Having something for the pain in my back is great but it also knocks me out.

So I woke up at 3 and really struggled to get back to sleep.

So I checked in on some of my applications and I got turned down for 3 of them.

Then I looked at my YouTube channel and I lost 2 subscribers.

I suppose I could fall to the ground and writhe in self pity.

But I also saw a post that reminded me that only I have the power to change my life, that it’s within me.

I hate that I have to go just sit there all day.

Because that’s largely what I do.

But I also know not to throw in the towel because of a few rejections.

And they’re not rejecting me, they are rejecting my experience and my resume and really…they are probably rejecting the gaps in employment.

Duh!

I have a way around that but not everyone wants to deal with it.

Or hear about it.

I gotta keep trying.

So tonight, I’m gonna hold off on taking anything for the back pain until I at least put in one job app.

So.

Here we go.

Pumpkin is sitting next to me, happily cleaning herself.

I wish I could do that all day; clean myself, nap, pester my mother for food and treats and make her brush my hair and oooo and awwww over me with compliments and hugs and cuddles. “You’re the best. You’re so cuddly, you’re beautiful, just such a beautiful baby. And then you know, I’d get a rush of the zoomies and run around and torture everyone and then do it all over again.

Yes, I would love that.

Alright, on with it girly.

I hope you have a great day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

  

No Pain

 Good Morning!

Monday has arrived yet again.

I wish I could tell you I had a productive Sunday but if you read yesterday's blog, you'll know my back continues to wreak havoc on me.

The muscle relaxer is helping. I'm going to take another one when I get to work but will not be able to take another painkiller until I get back home...if I need it.

I can't be driving while on that stuff. It knocks me out.

Indeed, I slept pretty much from 5PM on last night.

No pain this morning but I need to stay ahead of it.

Much of the problem with this particular pain, is that because of where it's located, I clench up constantly and I think that's why it won't get better this time.

Anyways, getting that help with medication made a huge difference. I slept, it doesn't hurt right now.

I just want you to know...I applied for a job this morning.

I get notices through Indeed and the State of Minnesota, so when one comes up that I'm qualified for, I can be on it quickly.

Good way to start my day anyways.

I paid the rent this morning too. They give us until the 5th.

This is the first time I've paid it and had money left over until my next paycheck.

And that feels great too.

So it would seem I have much to be grateful for today.

And I am.

So on that note, I'm gonna go get dressed, etc. and ready for work and I will be back tomorrow.

Way to go girl (as I pat myself on the back).

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Physical Stuff

Happy Afternoon,

I am so grateful and relieved right now. I’ve tried hard not to post on FB and especially not multiple times but y’all, my back is my arch nemesis.

The best way to describe this is:

It’s right next to my spine on the right hand side and it’s on the lower side of my upper back.

It comes in waves and the only thing I have reference for; is being in labor about to give birth.

The waves feel more like contractions. You have the pain of that but in the middle of these contractions, the pain will travel to other areas both north and south of the original trouble spot.

This started last Monday and has gotten progressively worse. These episodes usually last 2-3 days and doesn’t affect me when I sleep. Well we are going in a week and last night, the pain kept me up.

I try not to bitch about my physical stuff to much but I understand why some do. Pain is awful.

With no insurance, you can guess where I’m going. No one in their right mind, I should say no doctor, in their right mind would prescribe pain medication to someone they hadn’t seen.

I won’t say who on here but someone reached out today saying I would love to see your face. I miss it. I explained what was going on in this person said you need to come see me. So I dropped my daughter off at work and went over to my friends house. I was given some muscle relaxers and some painkillers. Both of these were prescribed so I felt safe accepting it.

I’m on my couch now PAIN FREE.

Have a good night!

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

T-Boned

Good Morning!

It is Saturday and I am telling myself one two three and GO.

Yup, there’s a list.

Yup, it’s a lot.

I want things DONE!

I want to stop talking about what I want to do and just DO it.

I have to be in action mode.

Yes I honor that I’m tired but letting things pass me by doesn’t serve me. 

I’m going to have to stay off my phone.

I do want to take a moment to take a moment to share some gratitude.

My daughter was in a car accident yesterday.

A guy ran a red light and tboned her.

She’s ok.

Shook up and damage to her front end (car) but she’s ok.

One second earlier and that might not have been the case.

So I’m grateful that she is ok. We even went and saw a movie last night. 

I’m grateful.

Alright.

I gotta get’er done.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie