Coffee

Good Morning!

I’m up, it’s cold and dark out. I don’t like the dark part so much but y’all know I love the cold.

Knocked it out yesterday.

Applied for jobs, cleaned the house, did laundry. It was good.

One of my favorite things is waking up and the apartment is clean. 

I’m getting picked up at 8 to go have coffee with two of my friends.

It’ll be good to get out of here for awhile. I’m going a bit nuts being trapped without a car.

So yes, I’m so looking forwards to this.

I’m loved and I’m grateful for that.

Alright, I guess I better shower and get myself dressed. Weird having to get ready for something early.

Good practice for when I get a job!!!

I hope you have a good day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light, 

Neecie

My Monster

Good Morning!

Somehow, I am ok today. Yesterday was pretty damn bad.

I ended it though with two calls from besties. The lifers!! Kir and then Beast. I started the day with a call from my girl Tracy.

I am loved, thought of and cared about.

And I am grateful. 

Along with Erin, these girls are making me feel all of the above. 

Check in with your people. They need you!!

I managed to force myself out of bed early this morning. Depression is whack.

I made my bed, put away laundry and meditated.

So…off to a productive start.

My goals today are simple;

Apply for jobs

Clean the apartment

Make bathbombs

Simple.

I got this. I can do that.

I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m fighting the weirdos.

There are some of you who don’t know about the weirdos. For you long timers, I used to refer to them as one entity, which I called my monster.

My monster wants me dead but will settle for me crazy, homeless and destitute.

Even when I’m doing great, my monster is out in the parking lot doing pushups, staying strong and vigilant so he can get me when I crash.

My monster is that part of me that whispers “shame” in my ear, who drives me to self-sabotage and bad choices. My monster is my impulsivity. He is my regret and remorse.

Eh, fuck you Weirdos. Fuck you Monster.

Any of you ever read Cujo? Remember the monster words? I wrote some up for my son when he was little.

Perhaps I will write some up for myself today.

Just be gone.

Okie, well forward is the only way to go right now if I want to keep them at bay.

Have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Happy Ending

Hello.

Happy Monday.

I hit the ground running. I’m currently taking this credit class I put off but has to be done.

My former riomie and good friend is picking me up to run some errands.

I personally want to scream at the moment but won’t.

I have no choice but to experience this. 

We are, or I should say, I am, in the thick of it.

And so I go on.

The past is the past but it’s got its grip on me tight and all I know is I feel better if I stay busy. After the errands are done, I will finish this course and move on the next thing.

Blah blah blah.

I am just trying to make it through all this and pray that there will somehow, someway, be a good ending to all of it.

I want my happy ending.

Not the orgasmic kind, although geez, I might have one when all of this is behind me.

Just from the joy of having gotten through this all.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Fat Lip

Hello and Good Day!

Hmph. Well, not a good day for me anyways. I didn’t sleep well and my lip is all swollen so I’m guessing I was chewing on it when I did sleep. I do that.

I’m falling apart today and the world goes black.

I just don’t know anymore about anything. At least today I don’t. My back is killing me  but I shall persist.

I always do.

I’m lonely today.

I know I could reach out but I don’t have it in me.

Tomorrow I will get the guarantor form filled out by a friend for the remaining balance of the bankruptcy, get it scanned and sent in and we’ll be ready.

It breaks my heart that things came to this. That I’m a loser without a car.

We have no food in the house but I while I could walk to the store, I have no way to get back with all the bags.

I don’t want to call my daughter, she lives close by, but I know she’d rather not and I don’t blame her. It would be hard for me too. I don’t wanna ask anyone person for too much. I mean, this is all my fault.

I might try to put the order through for delivery and see what the extra cost of that would be.

Yup. I’m feeling sorry for myself.

Wishing I was normal again. But I’m not. No excuses though. Push through woman.

I don’t know. I just know this life is hard.

Momma.

She said that to her doctor when Paul and I took her.

She said, “This life is hard.”

Makes me cry.

Momma.

Ok, well no choice but to go on.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Effort Required

Good Morning!

How’s everyone doing? I hope you had a restful sleep with peaceful dreams.

You guys! 

I got all the bankruptcy stuff done except for one thing which I will take care of today.

We will be filing this week. The phone calls and messages will finally stop.

I am forever tolling at the negative yet the fact that I got through this is nothing short of a miracle.

Today, I want to get all the projects done. I want to clean…of course I want to clean.

Because tomorrow, I want to do nothing but cook for the week and apply for jobs.

I got to spend a little time with a beautiful soul yesterday. It made me so happy. She picked me up so I could run some errands.

I’m still the “help me” girl. But I’m doing what I can to turn that around and be the “helper” girl, the “gett’er done” girl.

I just want to move past this.

But for today, there is still effort required.

I’m going to start by doing bougie bath first. 

And now it’s later and bougie bath occurred, along with a facial, a hair treatment, shampoo, etc.

I guess it’s on to the filing project. I have to do that first as there are files everywhere. I got rid of so much last night.

I hope you all have an amazing day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Breathing Room

Good Morning!

So.

I don’t know why yesterday was so bad. It just was but ya know what?

I got through it. I need a ride this morning to do a couple errands and then I should be done with the bankruptcy stuff.

And because it was literally so insane, I had to pull files out and go through stuff…just yikes.

I lost all my W2s, so I now have to go down that rabbit hole but hopefully, it’ll all be over shortly.

But. 

The filing project will finally be done by the time I go to bed tonight.

Months and months of procrastination and I got two of the major goals done in a matter of 3 days.

I’m just hoping someone will give me a ride to do these errands.

We shall see. The earlier I get all this in, the better.

It means all the calls will stop. It means I can finally answer my phone again. I’m so afraid I’ll miss a call about a job.

We’re still fucked financially but by God, we will be able to have a little more breathing room.

I have been getting incredible support and love right now and I’m grateful for all of it!

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Facing Me

Good Morning!

Wednesday already.

I had a very productive day yesterday. I pooped out at about 2:30, took a nap, woke up and went right back to it.

But there were, naturally, things that didn’t get done. So those have been moved to priority level.

And as soon as this entry is done, I will start at those tasks.

A lot of what I have to do today involves sitting at my computer so I skipped my morning walk and will be doing everything later. A long walk, because I have to go to target and the bank. 

Not having a car is getting to me but I’ve probably faced more about myself and how I am than ever before.

When you have all this time on your hands, it’s sortof inevitable that you’ll be in your head.

And if I’m going to be there, it should be a positive experience.

Not the rumination and self flagellation; oh yes, I’ve done some of that but it serves no purpose, except to take me even further down and I don’t need that. How far down can one go? 

I really don’t want to find out.

And so…here I am.

I know that my mental health “stuff” is real but I have to believe that some of it is learned, some of it is habit and since I’m without insurance, doesn’t it make sense to try and create new habits as much as possible?

Even therapy requires effort; talking, learning, trying new things.

Today, I’m trying not to pick. Just for one day. I’m trying to notice triggers, notice when my hands start traveling towards my wounds.

Again, so much of this is habit.

I know that’s not the end all answer but it’s something.

And so we begin today; I’ve meditated, done Wim Hof, I’m dressed and drinking my protein shake. I’ve had a glass of water and I uploaded my daily short.

That’s more than I did yesterday.

Oh! And I slept last night.

I don’t even recall waking up during my sleep, though I’m sure I did at some point.

So I wish for you, a day full of favor as that is what I’d want for myself.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie