Uh...Don't Ask Me

 

Good Morning,

I’m not sure if it is or not, lol.

The puppy and I went to bed at a bit after 10 and he slept until 4:45.

He has a name and I’ll explain all that shortly.

Why name a puppy we aren’t keeping? I guess because we’re keeping him and if you happened to see my post yesterday before I took it down, I was angry yesterday.

The Universe does some fucked up shit.

While much of my life is my fault, my own choices, etc., the Universe does not make it easier.

Sometimes I feel like I live in a simulation. That there are aliens who created a computer program and we are it and most of us are filler content that has a basic recipe and I fit into that.

And it’s programmed to just throw shit at “characters” like me every so often, unless the writer of the content decides to do something special.

I already know that some people are going to be so frustrated with me but I…the abandonment issues I have are so deep seated in me. As a result, I can’t abandon people or animals because then I feel that I’m evil and that I’m causing harm to innocents just like the harm that was done to me. I don’t say us because my sister has her own journey, perceptions, feelings about our childhood and she doesn’t have the same mental health stuff. I just can’t presume to speak for her and I bring that up because I refer to “me” and that may sound self-centered; it’s not meant to be. It’s meant to be respectful to her.

Ok, so anyways, my shit continues to affect me, even if it has gotten much better.

And I can’t give that puppy up, no matter how poor I am, when he looks up at me with so much love. You can read it right there in his eyes.

I’m fucking bawling at my desk just thinking about it.

I don’t have what it takes to walk away and while people may look at me and say, “How could she do this”, I’m thinking, “How could someone not do this.”

And so.

I have a dog.

Be careful what you ask for. This fucked up Universe provides but often times, if not always, it does it in a way we could not have conceived of.

I take things like death very hard too. We all do right? But it affects me right down to the center of my soul and makes me think all of the things; which I could go into and will sometime but not now. It’s so many feelings all at once and I’ve had some personal losses recently and of course, the public ones which are devastating in a different way and just the heaviness of them affect me even if I didn’t know these people; Hayden Panittiere, Dolly Parton, Tim Curry.

I feel these things deeper and it has nothing to do with being a deeper person than most, it’s my borderline personality disorder. I just feel things bigger.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like not to feel things the way I do, to be able to detach and be cold.

To be able to make the non-emotional decisions.

Anyways, I am not going to write about how everything is going to change as a result of the puppy and this is my wakeup call.

This is what it is. I have a puppy and I’ll step up or I won’t.

If I tell you that my heart finally stopped racing once I made the decision to keep him, that my anxiety lessoned and that I am no longer shitting diarrhea out of my ass every 20 minutes or so, well then take that as you will.

When my mom was changing, when she still was living on her own but I was going over to her condo everyday to oversee her meds and to get her fed, I was working as a beauty consultant at Walgreen’s and this woman…I’ve never forgotten her, walked right up to me and hugged me and she said, “God told me you have deep hurt and that you need a hug.”

It’s shit like that, that makes me think maybe this isn’t some fucked up simulation after all.

Anyways, I’m leaving work early today and I’m going home to get my apartment done.

The stress of all this has me smoking again and I can’t do that so that’s done again, as of tonight.

Stress and sorrow and anxiety…I just have never mastered how to juggle all of them, thus the smoking.

But no more.

It literally is not even an option.

Bye.

So with no further words, his name is:

Frodo Frenchie Axel Johnson.

Frodo…because I love Lord of the Rings, I love Frodo and his gentle, yet determined demeanor, his love for family and friends and his loyalty.

Frenchie…my son suggested it because I’ve always wanted a Frenchie. This puppy isn’t a Frenchie but he’s my boy and I’m grateful. Axel is a family name; we have ancestors with the name, my son and my nephew’s middle names are Axel and some of our animals have had that tied in as well.

Johnson is obviously self-explanatory.

So just know this. If you read this entry and find yourself doubting me, frustrated with me, disbelieving my choice to willingly add more chaos, just know I am feeling those things too.

I have answers and I have no words.

Just sadness and love.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wishing I Could Go Home

 

Good Morning,

How is everyone doing? I hope you are all well.

I am devastated.

By everything.

The puppy is going back today. I would do anything to be able to keep him for myself. He’s coming along in his potty training and he does have diarrhea but oh my God, he sleeps all curled up in my neck.

But it’s the right thing to do given my circumstances. And I understand why my boy can’t keep him. He’s being realistic and I applaud that.

But it all hurts so much.

So very much.

I don’t know how much more I can take. I stopped breathing on the way to work again.

I almost didn’t come in today but I can’t do that either.

My daughter is texting, she wants to keep him too. She’s offering to get a second job.

I told her to ask for one more day…

How quickly I’ve gotten used to having him in my arms at night.

Obedience training is $350.00 for 3 different courses, beginning through advanced. I mean…maybe? If we could get him through our lease, I would then be able to get the hell out of these apartments.

I am really trying to come to terms with what’s practical vs. what’s best for the puppy and for us and what’s best could be argued either way.

There’s so much I don’t know. How often do we get their nails clipped? How do I socialize him? Tick medicine? Vet checks? He’s not done with his shots yet.

I know I wasn’t ready for this. I’ve known for years that I want a puppy, a dog but I also knew I wasn’t ready. It was not in the immediate plan.

There is so much going on beyond the puppy.

I’m sad. I’m overwhelmed. I’m worried.

There is a lot going on.

I got my nails done finally and my wounds are all healing but there is one of my leg that needs to be reopened as there are these…I don’t know how to explain them. They are hardened balls inside the wound, just underneath the scab that are created by all the medicine and lotion I put on. I have to pull them out as they could cause infection down the road.

Of all the anxiety/OCD disorders I could get, why dermatillomania? I’ll take care of it tonight. I’m going to need needles to do it as the nails prevent me from doing it on my own with my fingers.

Which is exactly what they are supposed to do but still gotta get these things out.

I do NOT want to be here today.

I’m afraid of going home to no puppy.

How can you fall in love so quickly?

I don’t know…I didn’t ask for this on top of all the other hell we have had to deal with. Falling in love, albeit with a puppy, was not in the cards.

I don’t want him to feel abandoned. I know he loves us too; so trusting and such a menace in the best way.

Maybe I will go home today. We’ll see.

Some of this may seem cryptic and some of you may be wondering…what the hell has happened? What exactly is going on? Not my story to tell.

This blog comes with the internal agreement that it’s all about me. I may write about who I hang out with and what we do and some non-invasive info but this is about me.

It’s supposed to be about progress and forward movement but it seems instead to be…

Whatever it is I guess.

Gotta go. There’s nothing to do here, I’m all caught up. But…7 hours until I’m out of here.

Sigh.

I hope you all have a good day.

I hope you’re all happy.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Fi'dollah Cheeseburgers

 

Hi My Loves,

Wow. Monday came fast.

Every muscle in my body hurts. Every. Single. One.

I’ve been taking the puppy out every hour and a half or so. We did end up with a few accidents last night so I’ll be taking him out every two hours starting tonight. I’ll be tired for awhile but he’s worth it.

So we went out about 9 times yesterday. Some were quick trips and some were a bit longer. He wants to eat virtually everything. I need to get him more chew toys.

Every once in a while, he gets aggressive, it’s a play thing, but he does it pretty hard and I can’t give him mixed messages so even though the little chews are so damn sweet, I can’t let him do it.

I love him already.

It’s my son’s birthday and I got to say Happy Birthday and hug him this morning. What a wonderful thing.

Baker’s Square has $5.00 cheeseburger and fry nights on Monday so we’re gonna go do that when I get home.

I have something for each night until my Aunt gets here.

And I am prepared for little sleep because of the puppy.

You guys, the way he looks at us like he would do anything for us, like he’s just as in love with us as I we are with him.

He loves my son so much and he’s getting to know my daughter today as she is sitting for him while I’m at work.

I want a happy ending here, for all of us, because at this point, we fucking deserve one.

So please, pray for me that I can get the bankruptcy filed and out of the way. Once that occurs, I can start working on my credit again.

Blah blah.

That doesn’t matter right now.

But the bankruptcy does. I’m hoping all my hospital bills are in so I can add them to the bankruptcy.

I just want this money shit over.

I want whatever “next” is.

Again, I’m just so sore from all the walking up and down the stairs and the cleaning yesterday and the walks…apparently I have bones and joints and muscles I didn’t know about.

But it’s all worth it.

Got a list!

Gotta get it done, want to enjoy my Auntie’s visit.

Alright well…thank you for putting energy out for us.

I guess, after work, it’s 1, 2, 3 go!

Have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Puppy, Puppy, Puppy

 Hi and G’day Mates,

Oh my goodness, I have Puppy fever. I am so in love with my son’s dog.

You guys, he is good!!!! We have not had one accident. He poops and pees outside. In all fairness, I bring him out every hour to hour and a half.

Puppy sitting is fun.

And the apartment organization continues.

By this evening, it’ll be completely clean and puppy proofed. 

Then this week, with the relief of having that done, I’ll hit the projects I want to finish.

I think once I finish my room, I’ll go to sleep with him for a bit and then I’ll get up and hit the dining room as my cats need the dining room table to eat on for now.

I’m thinking puppy will be here for a week at most but we’ll adjust of necessary. 

I’ll try and post a short of him soon.

So yeah, too busy and too tired to feel the depression that has coiled itself around me. Today, the grip is not tightening!

Ok, well. Gotta go.

Have a blessed rest of the day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Jumping In

Hi Boo Boo’s,

I woke up feeling good today and I’m jumping right in.

Just did a Target pickup. When I get home, I’m pulling everything out of my car.

Tomorrow, I’m going to get inside this sucks and clean it as best I can. I’m gonna go to one of those car places and vacuum it out too.

It desperately needs to be detailed but that’s not in the budget.

So I’ll do what I can.

It still reeks like smoke and I’m finding that to be a trigger so it’s gotta be cleaned, at least to the best of my ability.

Last night, I gave myself a facial and also waxed my stash…as in mustache. Menopause! Gotta love it. My beautiful Main of hair is dwindling, but it’s coming back in the form of a mustache and a beard. The beard is like the tiniest little goatee, LMAO.

Whatever.

There are so many things in the plan for today in order to get ready to just enjoy next weekend and my aunt’s visit.

I’m excited.

This time of year always surprises me with gifts from the universe, or as I believe, mom and dad. The weather starts to slowly cool down, and I feel magic in the air and I’m just better in the fall.

So there are many things to look forward to.

And I shall share them all either here or on my YouTube channel or both.

Someone on where my friends.

I hope you have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Clearly

 

Good Morning!

Well…I did not feel well at all yesterday. I got home at about 4:30, got into bed and went to sleep. I got up briefly at one point and it was dark out. My daughter had cuddled up to me at one point but then she came in to tell me she’d be at her bestie’s for the night.

And I went back to sleep.

I was in bed for almost 13 hours.

I would say something has to give because what I’m doing?  It’s not working.

Clearly (said in my finest British accent).

We all know this.

I’m not in the mood for Debbie Downer shit today.

Cuz we all know y’girl’s sob story.

You know, with the VisionList for this year, I tentatively put in obtaining 1000 YouTube Subscribers to my list of goals and it’s funny; I don’ treat it with my usual insanity and obsessing and “have to do this attitude.” I just do it most mornings, shoot my shorts. I have been abysmal at shooting long form, but even so…holy shit, I’m over 800. This could actually happen.

I’m so excited to hit 1K because monetary things can begin at that point; nothing that will make a huge difference in the beginning, just the possibility.

I like possibility.

Possible means hope.

God, I do not want to be here today. I need to clean. I always clean the office on Fridays; sweep, mop, clean the women’s bathroom. I do the men’s too but not in to great detail because…ewwww. Provide me a mask and gloves and I’m in.

The women’s bathroom? That’s me and my boss only. Like…she’s clean. I’m good.

Sigh.

But yeah, I’m trying to rock it out at work this morning so I can coast the rest of the day. I’m hyper, that’s not necessarily always a good thing. Not happy, just hyper.

I am trying also to decide if I want to go to my 45^th reunion. There are some I’d like to see and some…yeah, I could care less.

But maybe?

If, somehow, I can dig deep and get a shit-ton done this weekend, then I am going to start on this healing journey…at least the physical part ya know? It’s time.

All’s I really know, is that the way things are, they are not working for me. I’m lethargic, depressed, tired and seemingly uncapable of experiencing joy.

I will experience joy tonight because I am going to drop some things off that I bought for my new grandpup.

And I’ll get to see him.

I still don’t know his name, lol.

Ok, well, on with it as they say.

I hope y’all have a great Friday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Biggest Hair

 

Good Morning!

I want fall. It is not fall. The temps are still in the 80s, which mind you, I will take over 90s and higher any old day but it’s too hot for me.

I feel like I’m on a sinking ship lately. This depression, this being stuck financially, all of it. I can’t seem to come out of it.

And you know, there’s something else. I have written in this blog for years about my poop issues, my IBS.

Look, it has taken on a new life and I try not to write too much about it because same old, same old but it’s affecting my quality of life in a way I’ve never experienced.

I fart almost constantly. They just come out of me. There is literally no controlling it. And it happens at work, when I’m talking to my boss, when I’m helping customers. I just rip ass.

The mornings start out with pain, cramping and full on attacks so I’m vomiting every morning from the pain. And they are the mud bath poops. It takes forever to clean up. I feel dirty all the time.

I worry about being stinky. I carry wipes with me now. I use those first and then I follow up with toilet paper, then I scrub my hands.

It’s depressing.

I knew that quitting smoking would make changes but I thought they’d be for the better.

Once I quit coffee, or at least coffee as I’ve known it for years now, maybe that will help.

Then we have the dreams. So many dreams. I really wish I had my fitbit back or something that tracks sleeping because while I am getting a ton more than I was, this dreaming thing? Also out of control.

Last night, I had a dream about my step-monster. She was wearing a sequined, magenta colored dress and magenta is a color of kindness and compassion…ummmm, yeah, that’s not her. It could be that my subconscious wants me to show more kindness and compassion towards her but I don’t’ know. Maybe she died and I haven’t heard about it yet and that was her way of saying she’s sorry.

The weird thing about her is that she doesn’t rule my life. I no longer have resentments, I just don’t like her and would never be able to trust her. Like, she’s not someone I aim to have in my life.

It could also be symbolic for me needing to show myself more kindness and compassion. I’m lucky to be surrounded by that but it’s true I don’t show myself much.

I never have.

Things are getting a bit fuzzy around the edges at work too. On the one hand, I really do believe that the magnesium L-Threanate is helping me with focus. But I’m tired and I think this magnesium Is part of the issue with the poop situation.

I am however, unwilling to go without sleep again.

So the magnesium remains.

I think maybe instead of trying to jump out of bed every morning at 5 and get my morning routine done, I should just work on getting out of bed at 5. If I just sit there, I just sit there but I can start the whole “morning routine” thing once I’m used to just getting my ass out of bed.

On a completely different note, an ex of mine from my teen years showed up. He was darling. He had the biggest heavy metal hair I’d ever seen at that point. He was so cute. Women loved that guy. We only went out for a short while but we became the best of friends after that.

Fast forward all the years of not seeing each other and we are soooooo different.

His hair is still amazing. It’s steel gray and white and he has tons of it but that face I loved? Huge bags under his eyes, missing teeth.

I stalked his FB page and he and his wife have land and all that and I think he’s probably still doing good, but…we are not the same.

His sister and I are friends on FB and she told me they don’t speak because of their political differences. Nor does he speak to his daughters for the same reason.

I’m sad but he’s not in my life anyways and I can remember the boy I loved. The one who was so much fun and so stupid in the most endearing way and who introduced me to Metallica.

You gotta love a boy whose hair is bigger than yours and still looks good.

Sigh.

I wish we didn’t have to grow up. I do NOT remember discussing politics and hating people for their differences.

We just had fun.

Ok, well my boss is out today. And guess who has little to nothing to do? I’m worried about one of our guys, the one I work the closest with. He’s experiencing that Kaleidoscope vision, I’ve only had that once but he’s had several times and I looked up when it’s an emergency and he meets the criteria.

I hate getting old.

Well now that we’ve got y’all caught up…

Peace.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie