Oh Man

Oh man.

I did not sleep last night. I have an interview this morning but I guess I feel like why bother?

You guys. I can’t do this anymore.

I had some wine yesterday, in a desperate effort to get some sleep and I ended up taking a drive down memory lane. Not good. I guess that’s misleading. Not memory lane in the sense that I used. I didn’t do that. I literally took a drive down memory lane. I ended up crapping my pants. Apparently wine and IBS don’t mix.

The thoughts that were going through my head and still are. 

If it ends up that there isn’t an afterlife, I guess that’s ok, at least there will be peace.

I’m tired of living like this.

Something has to give.

I need help.

I’ve been keeping on a happy face for my daughter and not letting her see the despair I feel because she doesn’t deserve that.

But I am drowning. Drowning in despair and I miss mom and dad so much.

So much.

That’s all I’ve got. I’m going to try and get in about an hour of sleep and I guess I’ll get up and go to this interview.

I’m just so tired.

Tired

Hello everyone,

Uffda, today is hard. I’ve officially hit bottom. I have no fight left. I give up.

I’m tired as fuck. 

Can the remainder of my time here be good? Can I just have a couple things happen for me? 

A decent job, living within my means, a little bit of travel. Cats, a dog. Somewhere to live within enough space to move around comfortably?

I give up.

I’m not saying I’m ending things. I’m saying I’m done fighting. I throw in the towel.

I’ve got nothing. 

My daughter told me today she’s tired of living in fight or flight and I right there with her.

Boy, I bring people along for the ride, don’t I?

Tired. 

I’m gonna take a nap and see if that helps.

Today…it’s just a hard one.

I hope that all of you have a good day.

I hope you are blessed with the things I want for myself.

Love & Light,

Neecie

This New Dream

Well Hello,

Lawd have mercy, I am gettin'er done.

I made bathbombs yesterday and this new mix I accidentally discovered is the primo shitaki!!

I have one of my damn lists for today and there will be one for tomorrow as well but what I can tell you is I'm getting that shit done.

The hurt and shame and guilt over that fucking job had me shook you guys. Shook. That's what I used to say when I was really high from my drug of choice, I'd whisper, "holy shit, I'm shook." So to say I'm shook, you know it's bad.

Luckily, it's not from drugs.

I've been talking about you know, accepting myself for who I am and uh, it's very hard to do that without the shame piece coming in but I sortof talked to the Universe, some may some the Big G, but while I can't change my past and I can't be someone I'm not, I have got to finally give myself enough grace to move beyond this...whatever this is. Yeah, it's been my whole life but especially my whole adult life and I just decided, you know, it was a dream.

Because I can't go back...but fuckin' A, I don't have to own that shit anymore either. It's done, it's over and I have a tendency to forget the good that happened as well. I've had some precious fucking moments in my life. 

We can't change it, we shouldn't forget it lest we repeat and I'm a repeater. But I don't live there anymore, I haven't lived there for such a long time and you know, I try to because I want to beat myself up and play that, "you're worthless" tape but I'm not. I'm really not.

And so...I don't live there anymore. It was a dream. It's just like when I drive down my old block and I see our house and my heart wants to burst out of my chest because I want to go through that front door and go upstairs and see Mom and Dad in the living room, maybe reading, maybe sitting at the kitchen table having their morning coffee.

But...their not there. They are a memory, a beautiful dream of what was, of the good things that happened to me. 

So the bad stuff is the same. Just a dream. Who I am now, I can choose who I am, I can write all new chapters.

Chapters where I fall in love with myself and believe in myself and do the next right thing.

I can take my last breath knowing I didn't live the old dream, that I let it go with love and understanding and forgiveness and I lived the new one.

The one where I walk through my shit, where I face myself and find out I'm fucking amazing and the one where love always comes first; love of myself and love of my people.

I am in tears but they are healing tears.

And because I'm knocking out my list, I am going to continue doing that and I'll be back tomorrow and tell you all about this new dream and how it plays out today.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

When Wrong Works Out

Well good morning!

It shouldn’t be. But then again, why not? Your world can be falling down around you and it can still be a good morning.

Perspective, eh?

Sooo, I made a shit ton of bathbombs and something happened; the first batch? I made them wrong so I switched it back up but…that first batch was amazing. Stuck together perfectly, lightweight, floated and spun in the tub and didn’t disintegrate to quickly.

So luckily, I remember what I did so it’s back to more bombs. I’m going to make sugar scrubs, body butters and lotion today and my goal is to sell it ALL this weekend.

There is nothing else for me to do but to continue praying for a fuckin’ miracle.

Including the miracle of an IBS free tummy. If I had a dollar for every time I go, I’d be in the 1%. 

I’d give most of it away. Imagine all these poop issues being the reason I could help others.

Ha, wouldn’t that be the shit?

Ok, I’ll stop now.

Took a bath with one of my bathbombs and here we go.

Be Blessed!

Live & Light,

Neecie

If It Was Just Me

Hello, Hello,

Oh you guys. Why this struggle to do anything? I took a shower.

 

That’s it so far.

I still have a good portion of day in front of me. I’m starving even though this stomach pain continues. I’m gonna make some scrambled eggs with cheese and make myself my protein shake and that’ll be it for food for today because of the pain. 

If I eat too much, I suffer.

But at least I can eat.

I’m very anxious and also sad. My sister’s remaining pup is not doing so well. You look at this dog and you would never know how old she is. She still looks so youthful to me and she is stunningly beautiful. But she is I believe either close to 13 or actually 13 now and that’s old for a greyhound. I think anyone who has ever taken on an animal and loved them questions themselves towards the end, why do I do this, because it is so very hard to lose them.

And let’s face it, not everyone who owns an animal should. But my sister is not one of those people. Her dogs are treated in a way that all animals should be treated, and they are the most loving creatures as a result.

Just perfect little souls.

How can such tiny beings bring such an incredibly big amount of love into our hearts? They just do.

So I am sad.

Sad for my sister, too, this kind of lossis horrific.

I’m getting through this time and we are quickly approaching the danger zone. I even considered just saying fuck it and paying all my bills and ignoring the rent and letting that go, but I can’t do that to my daughter. If it was just me, I would. But it is not just me.

And so here we are and here I am, and you can only move through it. Aligning with the flow, right?

Yup.

So here I go, going to align myself now. And we shall see what the day brings. Or, you know, what the rest of the day brings.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Flow

Good Morning!

Hmmmm, lots of thoughts. One that, if what I suspect is true, I just don’t understand. 

But this is not the place to write about that.

I applied for a ton of jobs yesterday.

I will apply for more today. My anxiety is at this place where I felt insane and I couldn’t sit still. So I just tried to use that energy to be productive and proactive.

And although not perfect, it did work.

I woke up mad though. Mad about everything. 

I need to take an ice cold shower and I need to meditate and get myself out of this place.

I had a dream with mom in it last night.

In the dream, I was driving down main street in Anoka and I lost control of my car and it was driving into oncoming traffic and all I could think was, “I’m gonna die and I hope people don’t think I’m drinking” because I wasn’t. 

I ended up abandoning the car and I was all bruised up from it and I knew I had to go to the hospital but I went to a friends house and was calling Mom and she said she’d come get me and then I was at like a food truck talking to the guy and he had all these receipts for me to go through and I was looking for something and then I ended up at this restaurant in Main Street and mom was there waiting for me and she’d just gotten a haircut. It was really pretty but something she’d never have had in real life and she’s had this sparkly black shirt on and she was really happy.

It made me think she telling me she’s happy but still here for me.

I don’t know.

I love you Mom.

I’m tired.

Like, life tired. 

But I go on.

I just go on and on and on.

With an ouchie tummy.

Just talked to beloved Rhi. My youngest and I have had some good talks…

I’m sad though. Sad and overwhelmed and I know the only way through is through.

Here we go. Another day north of the earth and trying to align myself with what is. Sometimes that’s the best we can do.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dramatic? And??

 

Hi Everyone,

Ugh, turn downs on the jobs I've applied for. 

It's ok, or actually, it's not. I'm not ok. But I'm applying for more.

It's hard. It's so hard to be and stay positive so I guess for now, I need to be OK having moments of it, no  matter how small.

Lots of tears today, lots of wishing for things that I can't magically make happen.

And utter despondency at times too, like I'm all over the place.

I've been talking to my daughter today as well. We are very similar in some key ways...with the way we process information and the way we learn. 

I've been looking back and as far as this job stuff, this started long before I ever had my first job. It started in school; like around 6th grade and it kicked into high gear and ultimately ended with me not graduating high school.

And just opportunities, good fucking opportunities...look, I'm not writing all this out to bash myself, I'm writing it all out to see this pattern and where it began and there are so many pieces to this.

Somewhere around 7th grade, I gave up. I gave up trying to push though anything difficult. I do know there is the fear of failure but also honestly not being able to retain information in a meaningful way either. Yeah, if I really like something, I can retain it but when I like something, it's a joy learning about it. And people think that means that I can do the things I don't want to. I've been reading so much about ADHD and how the brain lights up when it's excited about something but practically goes dormant if there is no interest and while I do believe that we can train ourselves to a certain extend, it does make it excruciatingly hard.

So we have fear of failure, we have ADHD, we have the Borderline stuff, which involves repeating self-sabotaging behaviors and then we have, quite frankly, a natural disposition to laziness.

I was always able to make this work because I had my parents to lean on. It was wrong, that. I have deep regrets over it but since they have both been gone, I see now, the issues I have because it has become a non-negotiable not to walk out on these jobs.

And these jobs, they are horrid for me. 

Absolutely horrid.

I do understand about attitude and positivity and gratitude. Some of these jobs have literally had me wanting to crawl out of my own skin, it's like they hurt me physically.

Dramatic?

I'm just trying to explain. I have tried to explain to people before and they don't get it. 

These are not excuses.

These are things I struggle with and I see now that maybe they have the potential for me to end me. That's not dramatic either.

I simply cannot go on this way. I can't live like this.

People who know me in my personal life find it hard to believe these struggles because I'm articulate, because I make sense. But they don't see me at work, they don't know the things that I've had managers say to me or how I am treated like I'm dumb.

I know I'm smart, just like my daughter is, we just process things, and I have an Aunt like this too, differently. And in  my case, this borderline shit brings out emotions I'm not equipped to handle and that fucks up my productivity too.

This is not fix it in a day shit. I need help with all of this.

I'm trying to watch videos about this shit and get ideas for skills I can master in an effort to get through all this but goddamnit man, I get to own this.

No excuses, just a cry to the Universe for help.

Ok, that's where I'm at today.

Have a good day.

And to my new subscribers on YouTube, thank you, thank you, thank you. 709 as of this morning.

I have value.

I'm working on valuing myself and I'm wanting my daughter to see that in herself too, but to have others back it up by subscribing...just thank you.

Somedays, again maybe somewhat dramatically, I feel like it's the only thing I have.

Have a good night you guys.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie