Please Read

Hi Everyone,

So. I have come to some conclusions. I don’t think I need a list anymore of all I want to change. I think I want to change everything.

And I also came to the conclusion that perhaps, for now, this blog has served its purpose.

What that purpose is or ever was, I’m not sure.

With everything I’ve gone through in the past two years and now add to it, a diabolical orange rogue tearing up this country and eating the shreds, I’m just not doing well.

There are things I don’t allude to in my blog anymore. I withhold a lot.

I used to put my whole life out here and I don’t do that anymore. Partly, because when I used to do that, it was motivated by the Borderline Personality Disorder I didn’t know I had. Like…here’s all my dirt, I dare you to still like me. 

It was ego driven, albeit a sortof maniacal pride in reverse thing.

So for the sake of this blog, and I’m gonna keep it open for one more day, let me just lay out some of the things I struggle with.

Luckily, drugs and alcohol are off the table. Some alcoholics who are not sober, will continue to drink, regardless of physical illness. The few drinks I’ve had, I didn’t get drunk or anything, and they didn’t trigger me to go use my drug of choice, but what I realized is that with all my stomach stuff, my body just does not tolerate alcohol. And so for me, I would rather just not drink any because I hate the feeling of pain and I hate the feeling of being sick. For me, that is enough of a motivator.

And as far as drugs, there is no desire whatsoever to revisit that part of my life. I really and truly believe that that is behind me.

What is not behind me is shame. And I have shame about everything you guys. I have never had self love. I realize I appear to many to be confident and have a high self-esteem, but that’s all bravado. The self talk that goes on in my head is devastating.

I talk to myself about my yellow tooth and how I can’t afford to get it fixed, I’ve gained weight, and that comes with a whole slew of re-triggered trauma. Living the way, we’ve been living, and constant anxiety, and fear over finances, has worn me down to an empty shell. The only things that bring me joy is my family, the few friends I choose to engage with still and my cats.

If it were up to me, I would climb in my bed and snuggle under the covers and read all day.

I can’t seem to stop crying. Usually, it comes in waves, but I started yesterday afternoon, and I haven’t stopped. Every time I woke up last night, the tears started immediately.

I do think that some of this is hormonal and I do think I probably need some kind of therapy, not to go over my past again, but to talk about life because for me, it has so little meaning. I’m stuck in this, “I didn’t ask to be here” thought process and questioning why anyone would want to be here when the world is the way it is.

And I don’t want anyone to freak out, anyone who’s reading this, this is not a swan song, this is not suicidal ideation, there is none of that going on. Like, I’m in this for the long haul whatever the long haul is.

I set myself up with my videos and with my blog because I write of all I want to accomplish and then I don’t accomplish shit and then I feel, yes you got it, more fucking shame.

They say that children do not listen to what you say, but rather, they watch what you do. And I watched my parents abandon me.

And while I no longer blame them, and I have a deeper sense of understanding of these things, it seems to me that I was abandoned over and over again. 

I’m not going to write out anything about that. I need to work through that so I can come out on the other side. I just think that when it comes to me and my sister, and I’m not speaking for my sister, she has not said this to me, but I feel in many ways that many of the people who were supposed to love us the most, abandoned us over and over again, in the sense that we were never a priority for them. Our grandparents were the only ones who prioritized us. I have an Aunt too, my Steffi, who made me feel very loved and cared about.

I don’t think that people realize that I see this, that I am very, very aware of it. And that it hurts me deeply still.

Again, no specifics because that’s not what this blog is about.

The only way through any of this, is through it, right? And I feel that this blog is a part of the problem at this point. I have never been able to achieve what I want to achieve with this, and that is to share the journey and to come out on the other side and maybe help others to do so as well.

It makes me feel like a fraud.

I’m sure that’s my shame talking.

But let’s be honest, there is some truth to it as well.

I think I need to build from the ground up. I think I need to find my strength and my intention. I was able to get some journals at Barnes & Noble. I had gone to get one and they were ridiculously expensive and something told me to go look in another section and they had more of them and they were on sale for a ridiculously low price.

So instead of blogging, I am going to journal this journey from here on out and at some point, I may choose to share that with the world.

Willows whimsy needs an overhaul too. I have played at this thing for long enough and it’s either shit or get off the pot. I have been saying for years that I just want the opportunity to do it the way I want to do it and if it takes, it takes and if it doesn’t, well, then at least I know I tried.

So that brings me to where things are at today.

Tomorrow morning, I am going to delete this blog. I am then going to delete my Willows whimsy page on Facebook.

I’m going to create two separate pages and one of them will be for Willow’s whimsy and I may hold off on that one until I actually have a plan and some products.

But I will create another one and I have no idea what it’s going to be called, where I will share some updates from time to time, not my long diatribe posts, but just little things and I will share mental health, things in progress and my YouTube videos because YouTube is not going away.

I will announce all of this on my personal Facebook page, so look for that as it evolves.

And at some point, I may decide to do a blog again, but it’ll be very different than it has been.

So I just want to thank everybody who’s always supported this and read it and reached out to me at various times when I really was struggling and it was really dark.

I am really struggling again and it is really dark again, but it is not like I said, the end for me.

My hope is that something new will come out of this.

There are things I know about myself and there is so much I don’t. I know that I’m not living the life I want to live. Some of that comes down to acceptance, but there’s a lot of things I could do, that I don’t. I don’t because of depression and anxiety and the tapes in my head that constantly play and tell me I’m not worthy, that I can do it tomorrow. You know, same old, same old.

We are living in times unprecedented and not only am I on a journey to find myself, but to find myself in all of this. To find my place in it.

Again, thank you so much for all the love over the years and support.

It has not gone unnoticed.

With deep love and gratitude,

Thank you!!!!

Denise

Intention

 

Good Morning,

How's everyone doing? I woke up to jaw and ear pain and swelling on the left side of my face. My teeth I guess.

I do take care of my teeth but I've been slack on flossing twice a day and I haven't been doing the neti-pot or swishing up my toofers with the anti-bacterial mouthwash like I should.

So back to that and just hope that I can reverse it again or hold off until I have some kind of insurance that can help me get it dealt with. 

I can't afford this, so it's WAY down the road but I want dental implants. I want this yellow tooth in the very front of my face to be gone and I want the problem teeth to just be gone too.

So it's on my list for the future but we're talking at least two years out.

So for the next few days, while I hit this hard...sadly, I'm going to have to deal with pain.

I had a great second half of my day yesterday on another note. I dropped my youngest at work and then got a call from my sweet second child. She took me out to dinner and then we went to Ulta. You guys, I don't think I've ever walked into an Ulta and walked out without purchasing something.

But I did yesterday...nada, nothing, empty handed, lol.

Then we came back here and watched Taylor Swift's concert and also her docu-series on the Era's Tour.

And she stayed until it was time for me to go pick up my youngest.

I love time spent with my kids. It's everything now. It just is.

I picked a word for this week and I'm going to do that moving forward.

This week's word is intention.

I want to know that everything I do has intention behind it.

Today, I'm going to make a list of intentional things vs. non-intentional, those things that are not necessary but that I do out of habit, ritual, OCD, anxiety, what have you and that don't serve what I'm hoping to end here.

So I can move on.

I hope you all have a good Sunday.

Be Blessed & Be Safe.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Flame Resistant Clothing

 

Good Morning!

Weeeelllll, it's an interesting day today. 

I don't know why, I just feel that it's interesting. I've gotten some interesting messages, and I had a very interesting phone call last night and you know...people can still amaze me. Both to the good and the not so good.

This was to the not so good.

But...I shall not write the specifics here.

On another note, I delivered food for someone yesterday. I can't just do nothing, I don't like that and I have been trying to come to terms with all of this and where I fit in it and what I feel I can do without losing my shit.

Adrenaline almost always causes fight and not flight in me. If I go to the protests, you guys, I will lose my shit all over the place if I see anything or get into it with some asshole. 

I will totally end up in jail.

And I know this. 

So instead, I delivered some groceries.

It was a very touching experience.

I plan to do more of it next week.

If I'm not working than I need to be doing productive, loving, kind, proactive things.

No excuses.

Everyone can do something. And I feel bad for the people who scream, "fuck your thoughts and prayers". You guys, that's all some people have so fuck you if that's not good enough. It's a weapon of intent and energy.

I know that I can do a bit more than that and I finally researched who to call, where to go, etc.

They are being much more careful now about vetting people because these types of operations can be infiltrated.

I was told that they have more than enough for the cities themselves but not as many for the suburbs.

This shit is happening in our suburbs and in our outlying communities as well, it just doesn't get the same amount of attention.

We all have to do something.

We have to.

Whatever any individual can do, do it. And thoughts and prayers are OK. Spell weavers and light workers can do things too.

Just do it. Just do whatever you can and know that you are on the right side of history.

Today, I got some fish to fry in my own kitchen so Imma fry 'em up.

If you can't walk around the fire, by all means walk right the hell through it but do it fast, wear flame resistant clothing but do it.

I'm gonna close this one out.

I hope you all have a brilliant day, I hope it's good.

Be Blessed and Be Safe!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Tragic Endings

Good Morning!

Back to sleepless. Ugh. 

And back to all the “feelings.”

Feelings aren’t bad, it’s just that many assume their feelings are right and they act/react from a place of feeling when perhaps analytical skills would better serve them.

I had an interview yesterday and it threw me completely out of whack.

I haven’t been obsessing about it but I have been trying to make a decision about what to do if offered the position.

There are reasons for this. 

Many of them are shame based. It would seem I still have a lot to work on in this arena.

You know honestly, lately I’ve just been thinking about how as far as I know, I didn’t ask to be born. And especially into a world like this one. Hatred, power, wealth, pedophilia, the subjugation of women, and people being deemed as less than based on their color, gender, sexual orientation…like who the fuck would willingly ask to come here for this shit and if we did it go some unseen spiritual reason, or task or journey…for what? What do we gain in the next life by having to deal with this shit.

And if I asked for all of this or said ok to it, I should be able to change my mind.

I should’ve able to say, “Nope. Not signing on for this shit. Make everything and everyone across the board equal. Make violence go. Strip the wealthy and give to the poor to even the playing field. Let us love a share with one another.”

Yeah, you may say I’m a dreamer…but I’m NOT the only one.

Make this shit stop already.

Either that, or drop the testosterone levels of all males and let women rule. There are psycho women out there too but the reasonable ones would deal with them accordingly. Not violently, accordingly.

I’ve been having some pretty vivid dreams lately and some of these dreams are starting to form themes. I don’t want to write about that right now but they scare me and give me hope at the same time.

I hope they denote change, good change, but I think they also will require sacrifice.

Not of each other but of ourselves. 

We shall see.

I could write about this shit all day long but I don’t want to.

Have a good day everyone. Go see Dracula 2025, A Love Story. It was sweet and good and heartbreaking.

Ah, to be loved like that. I sought that kind of love for so many years and for what? It only exists in stories. If for no other reason, than the fact that we can’t live on love alone.

The greatest love stories are the ones that are short lived and end tragically.

In that very depressing note, I bid you adieu!!

Be Blessed and Be Safe!

Love & Light,

Neecie

And It Was All Yellow

Good Morning,

Well hell’s fire lights matches, fuck a duck and see what hatches!!

I got sleep!! Over 8 and a half hours baby! I went bed early, like 7:30ish. And I slept until 6:30. But I was up on and off but still, all those hours of blessed sleep.

And I did dream and don’t remember them but they were good dreams, I do know that.

And I know in one of them, the color yellow was prevalent.

Yellow can have both positive and negative elements depending on the mood of the dream in general.

I know the dream was positive; hope, growth, energy, happiness.

So today, we are rolling with that.

And it's a good thing to roll with because I have an interview at 10:45.

When I get back from that, that's when I'll start my day. I'm going to pretend I just woke up and do all the things I would normally do.

I also am really going to try and do a semi-fast today in an effort to get my IBS back under control. Fasting always works for me. Don't eat, don't poop, that simple.

It's not a detox though, just a fast.

Today is better than yesterday but I have gone 3 times already. The difference is that the first two were gifts. If you know, you know.

Prior to this morning, I literally hit the toilet barely in time for the explosion to happen so this is a welcome reprieve.

Back to the dreams, a friend of mine called me last night to tell me about a dream she had. I was dying. I won't repeat it here but let's just say it was about something very large. So large it was scary.

But I love that people like to tell me their dreams because they know I'm an active dreamer and I do love telling people about them.

I should write a book just on the dreams I've had.

Pamela Anderson, Tigers and being stuck in the house that I grew up in, is just one of many that would give folks a chuckle. 

On that note, have a good day.

Be Blessed, Be Safe.

Love & Light, 

Neecie

Avoid...Nothing

Good Morning,

You guys, I'm kindof, I'm in a place where I'm willing to really look at things. I talked about hitting bottom with the money thing, but it's not just money and my relationship with it, but it's also my health, my mental health, my physical health...all of it.

And you know, the doom scrolling on my phone, smoking...yeah, all of it is ritualistic but what I realized is that it's also avoidance. Complete and utter avoidance and when you look back over my life...avoidance. 

I don't think it's about anything too deep; like self sabotage definitely is a part of that, but man do I have a time with effort. I do think it's just easier to be lazy. 

And that I can track back to childhood. Effort is something I have always struggled with. If there was an immediate payoff, then yes, I could make an effort but sustained effort and I have never been friends. 

Sustainable effort is what I strive for.

So I'm thinking about that.

I must take a moment to acknowledge that thinking doing something abut it, are two different things.

So now we switch gears although this does reflect back to lack of effort.

My IBS. It's been OUT of control for the past 3 days and I'm over this. It interrupts everything. It hurts, it's dirty. Yeah, I keep myself clean but it's dirty and inconvenient and it hurts.

I can't anymore.

I have tried so many things but the only things, and I don't know if this would hold true long term...because effort...but avoidance of certain kinds of carbs does seem to make this worse. Anything with tomatoes in it, especially tomato sauces, those trigger huge problems with me. Things like corn products and onions seem to trigger it as well.

Beans...to a certain extent.

All I know, is I cannot deal with this anymore, it's exhausting. Because it's daily, I don't have the kind where I have an occasional attack only. I do have occasional full on attacks but you have to understand that cramping on and off all morning and then having huge mudbath poops is not bearable.

A lot of what I have been going through has become unbearable.

I may never be able to overcome IBS, but maybe I can make it manageable.

That's what I've got for today.

I hope you all have a day that is good and full of abundance.

Be Blessed.

May you go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

I Owe Myself Trust

Good Morning!

Yikes you guys, another night of weird ass dreams. 

So...we're gonna be ok for rent. Again.

There really is one person who has gotten me through all this. Others have done things, one person did a big thing too. But the person I'm referring to, has been consistent in helping me. 

There are others who could but don't and they are not obligated to do so.

I only bring that up because people have asked. 

And honestly, that's one of many reasons I'm so grateful for this person.

Of course, I am grateful for the actual help but it goes deeper than that. It's the trust this person has shown in me.

And ya know, once I'm working again, everything is on me; paying these people who have helped, back. Paying off my debt but also being ready for the layoff if that will come again next November if I end up having to go back to the same job, if I'm unable to find another one. It's all on me.

Because I don't want to go through this again.

Ever.

And it's hard. There have been days I didn't eat much and I could've gone and charged food on what credit cards I haven't completely maxed out but I didn't.

And yeah...fucking smoking.

I'm not gonna even touch that one because it's...it's fully loaded and it's fully shameful and it seems impossible to overcome.

That whole you can't teach an old dog new tricks thing but I have to believe you can and that applys not only to quitting once and for all but also to making this debt disappear.

Circling back to the trust thing, if other's can trust me in spite of how I've been, then on some level, don't I need to trust myself?

Don't I owe myself that?

I don't know.

I'm just grateful.

Yesterday, I did a cleanse on someone who went through something terrible recently. It's been awhile since I invoked certain Goddesses, since I used herbs and oils in a spiritual setting and performed ritual but she said she experienced huge relief from it and I felt it too.

I'm grateful again, for the trust of another individual, to perform healing for her.

So on that note, I am moving forward with my day.

I wish you all an amazing day.

May you go in Safety, Love & Light,

Neecie

So on that note, I go on with my day and it's another day of sunshine which is always a plus.