Ok, so fingers crossed that the car debacle is behind me.
Behind everyone who helped.
And so many people helped.
Lots of phone calls; I took them all. I accepted every offer for rides.
I accepted offers of money as well. I’m still in the fence about how to feel about all that.
This true insanity started about two years ago although things have been difficult, really difficult starting about five years ago.
But as far as I feel about any of this, the first feeling is, and should be, gratitude.
The next thing is trust. I don’t like the word faith. So trust it is. Trust that we’ll be ok, but also trust what others say they see in me and that they love me. Over 30 people showed up during this whole car thing. That includes all the things I mentioned above; money, phone calls, texts, rides to and from work.
It was unbelievable and so humbling and everyone of these people told me they love me, that they believe in me. Everyone told me they believe I have it in me to get to the point I want to be at and so I need to trust that.
I am blessed.
Thank you.
So it’s onwards now.
The big things I need to work on are resistance (in other words NOT resisting), you know pushing through and staying consistent whether it be this blog, exercise, eating for my IBS but also weight loss, self care, finding a higher paying job. Doing all the “things”.
Not easy for me.
I get in the way of myself often.
I did this morning. I wanted to get up early but I didn’t sleep well. There’s a reason for that but I won’t get into it. I need to know and trust that sleep comes when I stick to a schedule and that if that gets messed up, to push through and get up anyways. Sleep will come.
It will come.
And now I have to get ready and go.
In my car!!!!
My car will take me to work today.
My boss will be gone for the rest of the week starting tomorrow and that is a relaxing feeling.
I like her.
It’s just nice to have breathing space of my own sometimes.
Alright, here we go. I hope you all have a great day!!
I am crying. So weird. Not the crying but that I started out
good. I got up, not as early as I wished but I just hit the ground running. I
did these exercises that are supposed to really loosen you up and they are not
hard on the body. They get the lymphatic system moving but they also get you
moving.
I made all my food for the day; breakfast, lunch, dinner and
did all the dishes I got dirty.
I meditated, I managed to do my skincare routine (body and
face), even if I wasn’t able to put on makeup or do my hair. I also did the Wim
Hof breathing stuff.
I fed the kits and loved on them. I got dressed and packed
my bag for the day.
I feel so good about all that. Tomorrow, I’ll try to push a
little harder and get up when I need to.
I’ve been not sleeping so well the past 3 or 4 nights. I
think it’s all the emotional fall out from the past 3 or so weeks.
No one can live in that mode for long, whatever that mode
was…it was just getting hit and hit and hit…they kept coming and I didn’t have
time to dodge the hits in between. Sheesh. My cortisol must’ve been through the
roof, I was in fight or flight for weeks. And then, you find yourself waiting for
the next thing to happen and you can’t relax because every time you have
recently, the rug gets pulled out from underneath you.
And that affects your sleep. I have also been bringing back
the nightmares. Man. Some fucked up shit goes through my head, that’s for sure,
to create these awful dreams.
So yeah, going through all that but still felt good about
all I accomplished this morning, the car is at the shop and I am crossing my
fingers that it’s not a bad fix.
It’s that right there, that got me this morning. I’m not surprised
by the some of the people supporting me but some have been a bit of a shock and
some of the people who aren’t showing up for me, who haven’t been for awhile…I
mean, it makes that stand out a bit more doesn’t it. I’m not talking about
money. I’m talking about actually being here for me…
I’m so grateful. I’m so grateful.
I was overcome and overwhelmed by it this morning. I started
crying in the Uber and I haven’t been able to stop.
People are all saying things to me about me, things I have
such a hard time believing but since so many people are saying them, maybe I
should believe them.
I do know I’m blessed. A friend of mine’s husband messaged
me years ago and said, “Do you know how blessed you are? People frickin’ love
you man.”
When I think about the people who have helped and the people
who have reached out with kind and encouraging words, these people are people
from former jobs, people I met at AA, people I met at my knitting classes or
when rollerskating. I just pick up friends. And they do, they love me and I don’t
know why that’s just hitting me now after all this time but yeah, I am blessed,
I sure am. And I don’t know why but it doesn’t matter, I just need to accept it
and to believe it and today I guess I was supposed to also feel it.
So beyond that, I had a good weekend. I went for an early
walk with a friend on Saturday. Then my bestie called so I talked to her and I
just sortof cleaned as I felt like it, etc. I took boujie bath and then I spoke
to another of my closest friends.
It was a good, mellow day and yesterday…same.
The weather you guys…the temps fell…finally.
I could crymy heart
out.
Well I am but not for that reason.
You guys I need to accept the love others have for me, I
need to accept it, I need to let it in and I need to feel it.
I need to believe in myself the way others believe in me.
And I need to develop some coping skills.
But I’m OK today, a bit tired, but OK and will be super
happy when my car has been looked over and I know what I’m looking at.
Please Universe, be gentle on me. Y’girl is fragile and only
now, hoping to bounce back.
I can’t you guys. I got nothing and yet…I got a lot.
I’m fucking exhausted.
Went home and picked up my daughter last night to run some
errands and the car did the thing it did before.
We made it home but the car is shit, shot, shattered.
Done.
And I am done.
I am fucking done struggling. I have nothing left to
struggle with.
I want to ask why? Why me? I want to ask is this my karma?
I did not ask to be born. I did not ask for childhood
upheaval. I did not ask for a dad who swept me aside as if I was nothing, thus
kicking off a mental illness I didn’t even know until 4 years ago that I had; a
brain issue that makes borderline personality more likely and then the abandonment
that kicks it off.
I never meant to be “too much.” I never meant to be harmful
with my choices, to be selfish, to throw caution to the wind and live
recklessly. I never meant or wanted to be so angry (thankfully, this is behind me
for the most part), I never wanted to hate myself, feel less than, feel
unworthy of anything good.
I never meant to quit job after job after job. I never
wanted to be impulsive and self-destructive be it with money, men, drugs…
And here I am, so late in life, clinging to it, desperately
thinking it’s got to get better…that if I hang in there, it will.
But it’s not getting better. It’s getting worse.
And…some will say this is drama, but I want out.
Some people believe that we choose our fate before we come
here, that this is all mapped out and we agree to it but I know I would never
agree to this.
I might agree to learn the lessons but I wouldn’t sign on
for this. And whatkind of “God” would
ask that of us and to what end?
So we can appreciate “heaven” even more.
As horrid as this sounds, I feel like y’all can take your
heaven and shove it up your ass because this shit ain’t cool, these heightened
emotions are not sustainable.
I don’t require great wealth; those hopes and dreams are
gone and a more realistic goal of just…basic comfort and happiness has replaced
it.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
If there is a heaven, then surely they will let me in,
knowing that all this suffering doesn’t work when one has a lifetime of mental
health shit keeping her from getting truly better.
If there’s nothing else, at least this all ends.
OK, well there you have it.
I just don’t want any surprises when I choose my way out.
I don’t want anyone saying they didn’t see this coming or
that they weren’t warned.
This life is shit.
There has been beauty and joy and happiness but those things
are a tiny little island surrounded by an ocean of shit and shit tsunamis just
keep flooding that little island.
Hangman, hangman, hold it a little while
I think I see my brother coming, riding many a mile
Brother, you get me some silver?
Did you get a little gold?
What did you bring me, my brother, to keep me from the gallows pole?
Brother, I brought you some silver, yeah
I brought a little gold
I brought a little of everything to keep you from the gallows pole
Yes, I brought you to keep you from the gallows pole
I got caught up. I got things done but it was slow going. I
struggle so much with just keeping going. It’s OK, I’ve given myself permission
to not be in “knock it out of the park” mode for the time being.
When you have been as isolated and as sed entary as I have become,
jumping back in can be a bit daunting.
I have had several more of the breathing attacks and truth
be told, I’m scared.
But all I can do, is try as hard as I can, to get healthy.
I cooked yesterday!!!
I made my chicken teriyaki, which my kids always loved so
much and I made my homemade mac n cheese, which is a fam fave too.
I brought a bunch of it over to my son and ate over at his
place and spent some time with him.
Love that boy so much!!
I did good this morning.
I did this short I found on Facebook, this guy brings you through
some weird ass sortof exercises to get yourself going and I was so out of
breath, I couldn’t finish it. I also tried to do my Wim Hof breathing stuff but
it didn’t go so well.
I’m struggling with this breathing thing.
Just keep going, pushing through, etc.
I meditated too and it felt so good to be there in the
candle light and the quiet.
It’s been to long.
A woman knocked on my door this morning in tears, asking if
I could jump her car for her and I don’t have cables. My heart broke for her
because I just went through that and it made me feel so grateful to have my son
inlaw.
Because the car is running and I am mobile.
Not thrilled to be at work because per the norm, my head is
full of all I want to accomplish at home.
There is always so much but I have a list.
You KNOW I have a list.
I didn’t do everything on on my list for this morning but I’m
happy with what I did do.
I have to just keep trying.
Blogging at home is a part of that but it’s not the most
important because I can do it here if I have to.
I’m just trying not to.
I hit one of the things on my list for today already. I called
the bankruptcy attorney. Because of my emergency room and hospital stay
debacle, I now have medical bills too so I need to know if it’ll cost me extra
to add those to my bankruptcy.
The two big things in front of the many, many things I want
to start addressing are the bankruptcy and finding another job.
So once I know if the fee will go up because of the medical
bills, then I’ll borrow the money from someone, it’s not going to happen
without that, and get that started.
Job search I can start immediately, but I can’t do it at
work for obvious reasons.
I’ve been looking way far out west for jobs. The cost of
living is so much better!!
Beautiful apartments and townhomes, with at least 600 more
square feet for about what I’m paying now. And the job market is decent.
We shall see, we shall see.
Jumping ahead again and I just can’t do that.
I am also slowly making plans with people, whether it be
phone calls or getting together…or any of the things.
I want to go see Practical Magick 2 this Thursday so I have
to get tickets for that.
I’ve waited almost 30 years for this!!
Yay.
Obviously, I’m doing ok mentally today. That was not the
case this weekend although I did push through it.
So…starting this Friday, temps will fall to the lower 70s
and even down into the upper 60s and your girl will be so happy.
It’s supposed to rain on Saturday and I’m schedule to go on
a walk with a friend; add boots and a raincoat to the many things I want. That
won’t happen by Saturday but hoping the new Asia Mall in the old Northtown
will be open for some walking. Might not be because it’ll be early. Note to
self: Where can walk indoors early on a Saturday morning?
I’ve noticed a dramatic decrease in my YouTube views and I looked
it up and lo behold, they changed the algorithm.
That sucks but I’m still bringing in new subscribers and for
me, for now, that’s what counts. I’ll worry about views later. I am trying to
change some things up but it ebbs and flows.
Alright, well here we go.
Another day is paradise.
Have a good day.
Remember, it’s Tuesday, we have less time to get to Friday
and that’s a damn good thing.
You guys, my car is fixed. I am so grateful to all the people who helped me in the last two weeks. I mean, I’m grateful for anyone who’s ever helped me but these last two weeks were a special kind of hell and just hearing from people that they love me, is more than enough, but like the people who stood up, thank you. My car would not be fixed right now, I would not have been to work all week and probably would’ve lost my job, my daughter would be spiraling too because you know whatever mental health stuff she has, we kind of feed off each other sometimes and I think we try not to do that as hard as possible, but that girl saw a full on old school Denise temper tantrum, I was raging at the universe out loud and saying, just kill me, I don’t wanna be here, I wish I would die.
Like it was bad.
And I did wish those things and I’m not out of the water yet. Depression has a way of aching back in so even though I feel good today, I have to work fucking hard. I have to be a Baller. I know that if I get my house cleaned, I’ll have a good day tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I am going through all my bills and everything and getting them organized and together so that I can fill out all the paperwork for the Attorney. I have to go over to my roommate’s house and see if the hospital bills and doctor bills from my emergency room visit and overnight. Stay have come in because those now have to go on the bankruptcy.
Tuesday, I will call the attorney and explain that there are additional medical bills and see if that increases the amount he’s gonna charge me.
And then I’m gonna ask someone to borrow me the money. I have no choice.
After all this debt, I still have personal debts and they have to be dealt with. I am not going to let them slide.
And because the depression took me to a place where I could not care for myself with basic things like showers and hair care and all of that, no exercise, no eating right, all of it, that has to stop now and I have to have some kind of a plan.
I’ll tell you what, next year, I want to be in a job that pays me enough to thrive. Survival is great, but I’m over it, living in survival mode, sucks ass, head, and hole and I’m over it.
So yeah, a year from now, if things go according to the way, I wish they would go. Here’s what I want to happen in place.
I want to have moved, I know I will not be in a place to buy a house and that’s OK. But I want to rent a house with a yard that I can put flowers in. Something bigger so that I can really haul ass on my dream of Willow’s whimsy. I want to have a job that allows me to thrive. I want to have a little bit of savings. I want to be at my goal weight and I want to be as healthy as possible physically, mentally and spiritually too. I always feel like I have to say this when I bring up spirituality because people always wanna throw Christianity and God at me. I am talking about my connection yes, to spirit, but also to the world I live in, to the people around me and to society in general, like I want to have or be in a place of connection, love, and wonder. I want to be able to buy a new vehicle. That is the only big expense I will willingly take on, but only when I’m in a place to do so.
And I want finally, to love myself. I want to be setting healthy boundaries, I want to believe in myself, my capabilities, and my dreams.
The world we live in now wants to crush us. I do believe that. I’m talking about the people in it not the world or the universe itself but the people in it. Fuck those people.
My tribe revealed itself to me this last two weeks and I’m in. I’m going to try and start connecting with People again and keeping those connections, I am going to force myself out when I don’t wanna go out. I need love and I need to love.
So there you have it and now I am going to go clean my house, I always say house, but you all know, my apartment.
I hope you have a great day, I hope that the road rises up to meet you, that the sun shines upon your face and that the wind at your back is never your own.
I realized I may be treading dangerous ground. I shouldn’t be blogging at work.
If she saw what I wrote yesterday, there’d be big trouble.
For me.
No more cutting off my nose to spite my face.
I was doing good with that but things have been so precarious and when I’m tired, defeated and hopeless, I don’t care.
Enough of that, I’ve had diarrhea all flipping morning. Like…nonstop.
My poor tummy. It’s so hard.
I’m grateful for the good things that have happened and are happening but sadly, the chemical, hormonal driven part of my depression doesn’t just go bye bye no matter how badly I wish it would.
So this morning is a struggle of worry, sorrow, some resentment. I’m going crazy not being able to go to the store. It was offered to me last night, to go but I had no idea what I might even want or need.
I will have enough money to get my car fixed but I’ve also had to blow a lot taking Ubers, etc.
My friend Carol picked me up yesterday and she’s gonna pick me up today too so just the one uber into work. It was fun. We crack each other up because we are similar in lots of ways.
It was a big deal for her to get in her car and drive as far as she had to.
I’m so happy for her.
I pray that what we think is wrong with the car IS what is wrong with the car and it’s a good fix. I pray with everything that the car can last me another year.
Poor Pumpkin went without her daily brushes while the puppy was here and she has some little mats so I’ll be working on her tonight, they’re going to have to be cut out.
Maybe.
I’d need a better brush to brush them out but we’ll see.
I miss little man. My sweet puppy.
Like I said, still struggling but I feel like my holding on grip is a bit stronger.
I better go. I’m going to try and walk to Starbucks in the heat and order my Uber from there.
I am sick with missing the puppy. But at the same time, I still know it's for the best.
It's so hard having to shell out $40.00 each morning to Uber to work but at least there's an end in sight. Tomorrow night. We have no food in the house and no way to get any other than ordering so I've just been grabbing snacks at the gas station behind my job.
We can do this until tomorrow night. Just til tomorrow night. I can hang in there.
My boss...I can't anymore.
I like her, I do. But I can't deny what I see, ya know? She's really hard on everyone else and she has HUGE expectations of everyone else but those expectations don't apply to herself.
She pays me SHIT and she gives no fucks that I am currently shelling out 1/4 of my daily pay to get here right now.
Anytime I take off, I come back to my desk covered with "mistakes" I've made, several from when I first started. It's like she's punishing me. I was out because I was hospitalized and we STILL don't know what's wrong with me because she pays so shitty I can't even afford their insurance.
And I get you can't always be missing work but I have no money and when something like this happens. My car alternator going is not me being irresponsible. She gives no fucks that I am busting my ass to get here and yes, I had to leave yesterday but it was the only time I could surrender the puppy and have a ride to get there.
And I get here today and all these fucking documents from before.
All over my desk.
FUCK YOU.
I honestly think, now that is showing itself to be a pattern, that she is punishing me for taking time off.
Why?
Like, do you know how much time she had to have spent on this?
Clearly...to punish me. Because this is not break the bank stuff. It's how stuff is stapled!!! And she has a different way for stapling A/R open and A/R closed jobs, she has a different way for stapling new jobs, then you staple accounts payable a different way. Whatever, staple stuff stupid til your lil' mean heart's content but it's not something small children will be harmed over.
If I hadn't just come part way through the shit-storm, ugh, her I'd LOVE to walk out on her and will if I get hired elsewhere. No two weeks here, she has not cut me any slack even though these things - the hospital, the car...the puppy, I'll take the credit for that one. But these other things are life happening to me, things I would NEVER ask for.
FUCK YOU.
I don't care anymore. I don't care if she see's this...I don't care if she see's my YouTube shorts.
I just...I had to get that shit off my shoulders.
I came in and I literally could not believe it. Petty, OCD, overbearing, mean.
Fuck you and fuck you some more.
I have been through literal hell and back in the past 5 years and more so in the last 2 and some mean girl is not going to get ahead of me. I thought, after the job last year, that I had seen and heard it all, turns out I should never think that.
I am out but I am out the right way. You watch me go. You'll see.
I'm excited to see my friend Carol tonight. She said she'd take me to the bank too. I'm gonna get her a coffee for sure.
My friend Krickit and my friend Shari both reached out so hopefully, I'll be connecting with them in the next few days.
Alright, well I haven't felt like working so I guess I better do so...fix her stupid staple bullshit.
At least she's gone today so I can go at my own pace.
And read The Hobbit because I read it every fall, followed by The Lord of The Rings. Frodo's journey and the one ring are very important to me. Middle Earth is what I imagine "Heaven" to be.
