Swimming After Dark

 

Hey Loves,

Finally. I’m good in the morning. I slept in, said fuck all that and got up last minute, fed the cats, got dressed and got ready for work once I was at work, lol. We’re talking 3 or 4 quick bronzer and mascara applied. Still need to brush me hairs.

I had fun last night. The kind of fun I used to have. My daughter and I went out and about and when we got home, it was only 8:30 and in MN, that means it’s starting to get dark now and the pool was open but no one was in it, so we just jumped in…clothes and all and we swam for almost an hour. We talked  and cracked up and had a great time.

Had to run to get into our apartment because we were soaked and dripping everywhere not to mention how COLD it was.

It was fun. Something tight in me unwound itself a bit.

I had insane dreams again, God so many colorful dreams lately; vibrant blues, extreme oranges and gorgeous reds.

My dreams are weird and some of them bother me but they’re not horrible and I saw Momma last night. She came through so clear. It was funny though because she was in bed and got up and she had this beautiful silk nightgown set. The nightgown was pink but the robe was the star of this particular show; it was red and went down to hear feet. It flared at the bottom and then had a tie just above the waist.

It was the kind of thing mom never wore.

Red is the color of living, of passion, of anger, of love and of the heart.

When colors or symbols have multiple meanings in dreams, I apply those that fit best with the context of the dream. It was mom. Her favorite color was red, she loved it.

I feel like it was encouragement and love she was sending but also acknowledging the recent scare I had…whatever that was…with my heart.

So…today is two weeks without a cig.

Had you told me two weeks ago, that this was it, I wouldn’t have believed you. I wanted it to be so but I just couldn’t do it and it really is my boss. She flipped out hard core but I mean, it was loving and honest and raw. Like…no motherfucker, it’s now or never. I had it in my mind that it had to be at night and that I would smoke that last one, like you know, romanticizing the break-up.

You know how many fucking times I did that? Didn’t work, did it?

So I guess this was the way, when I truly had no say or no words to fight back with or excuses to make that made sense…no arguments in favor of continuing.

Honestly, the next piece is to start eating healthy, and exercising. It has to be.

I’m taking all the supplements I want to be taking.

I take a multi plus iron every day. I take calcium every day. I take fish oil every day. Of course, I take the omeprazole, which I hate but I have to. I’m in horrid pain without it.

At night, I take magnesium. I take it every night but I switch off between Magnesium Glycinate (chelated and absorbs better) and Magnesium L-Threanate (is the only magnesium capable of crossing the blood brain barrier and has shown great promise at fighting off dementia). The L-Threanate is really important to me because the Omeprazole has been linked to attributing to dementia when used long term. Like I said, I can’t go without that shit. Pain. Horrid, horrid pain if I skip it, although with better eating, I may be able to go down to every other day.

And both magnesiums are the only thing that have ever worked for my sleep, other than Xanax. I would gladly take Xanax for the rest of my life if the fuckers would let me. I’ll be honest, at my age, I don’t care about addiction or needing more over time because quality of life and longevity of life are different now than if I were 20 years younger. I need sleep.

So the fact that I found some non-addictive that works is amazing.

So my bank got bought by another bank and I need to fix everything tonight so that payments that go through automatically are not affected.

Man.

The apartment is in shambles. God it happens fast.

So tonight…just to get caught up on some basics, maybe swim again because that actually was wonderful.

What great exercise too.

We do have a local pool by us for when the winter hits and I may commit to going once a month but wouldn’t be able to afford to go often as I’d need a membership and I want to go back to Planet Fitness because their highest level membership is only $24.99 a month. Count me in.

I just think that’s the next best step, the exercise and diet piece and diet meaning how and what goes into my mouth…a healthy lifestyle as opposed to some whackadoo diet.

Once that’s in place, we shall move on to the next thing. I can’t handle trying to attack this all at once. It’s creating this lethargic monster that I don’t recognize and I don’t like.

Anyways, that’s where things are at, at the moment.

My Auntie is coming last weekend of August.

I want to do something every flipping weekend. It can be something free, something local, I just want to be out and in the thick of it.

On the last weekend of every month, I’m gonna go incognito. I’m not gonna take phone calls, I’m not gonna drive my kid to work, I’m gonna stay home and read and take bougie bath and give myself a pedicure. I’m going to cook something decadent and eat the shit out of it.

Life is meant to be enjoyed, although I have finally come to a place of acceptance, that some things can be enjoyed in moderation and some things, like smoking, are not good at all. My drug of choice was not good at all either. Alcohol depends on the drinker. But you see my point, regardless of whether it’s something that is totally destructive or something that you just really enjoy, moderation is required.

So moderation is a thing for me. It has to be.

Words like moderation, consistency, resilience, adaptability, focus and communication (letting people know this is important to me and asking it to be honored even if they don’t understand it or it’s not convenient for them).

That’s where we’re at right now.

So, two weeks in on the non-smoking, 90 days at my job, and now on to eating and exercise.

The financial piece? I have to get help. I know who I’m gonna ask and this sucks but it fucking is what it is.

That stress will be gone relatively quickly if I can just file the damn bankruptcy. Some are getting on my ass about filing and it’s frustrating because I can’t make money appear out of my ass.

I am really trying now. I am.

But I can’t pull money out of the air…or trees, unless you know, you believe in miracles, which I do to an extent and believe me, I’ve put my requests in…just waitin’ to hear back and on them miracles.

Alright, I’m out.

Good catch up?

I hope you have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Defeat

 

Good Morning!

Well, another lazy weekend in the bag but I did get up and do some things yesterday. Not much, mind you but some.

Some is better than none.

I'm just so overwhelmed.

I know you all know that. It's just hard. I couldn't afford my meds so I'm off those again. Cold turkey, which is OK for smoking but not for meds.

Oh well, this is my life now, this is what it's become. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I know it sounds like that, I just...I'm just defeated.

For today anyways. I just want to break down and cry. I am breaking down and crying.

Feeling this way sucks but feeling it allows for all the good feels when they do come.

I had a ton to do this morning so I'm running out of time and need to get ready for work so off I go.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Not a Happy Camper

 

Good Morning!

How is everyone? I am so glad that it’s Thursday, although I’d happily take Friday. Ah, tomorrow then.

So. We’re gonna go into poop graphics here. Poop and farts.

I started taking electrolytes in the morning. I add a packet to my water.

Since about day 2, I now shit all day long. It’s soft and impossible to get fully clean without a wipe made for this kind of thing.

I also start farting, usually around noon. They reek and they are constant and there is no controlling them.

Last night, I was up vomiting and shitting until about midnight. I had no other symptoms, just all this pooping and farting the last few days. I’m blaming the electrolytes

So I read up on these electrolytes and the consensus is not to use them as a daily supplement. It’s much better to use them in times of absolute need, like being in a dehydration state.

See, I’m already taking magnesium at night.

Here are the symptoms of too much magnesium electrolytes:

Nutritional and Additive Drawbacks

• High sugar: Many standard sports drinks carry large amounts of added sugars which can lead to weight gain or dental issues.
• Extra calories: Unneeded caloric intake from daily use can contribute to obesity.
• Artificial ingredients: Powders and premade bottles often contain artificial dyes, flavors, and sweeteners. 

Health Risks of Overconsumption

• High sodium: Too much sodium can raise blood pressure and cause fluid retention. 
• Electrolyte overload: Excess minerals like potassium or sodium can trigger nausea, fatigue, confusion, and dangerous heart rhythm issues. 

www.heart.org +1

• Kidney strain: Healthy kidneys flush out extra minerals, but overdoing supplements forces the body to work harder and poses risks for people with pre-existing kidney disease. 

 The mayo says people are better off getting their electrolytes from plain water and diet. I switch off at night between Magnesium Glycinate and Magnesium L-Threanate. Each contain about half the recommended daily dose for women my age. That’s because I know that I get enough regular magnesium from food.

So…yeah, electrolytes are excellent for you if you are dehydrated, after participating in an intense sports event or when you have been very ill with continued diarrhea and vomiting.

In my case, I am positive that the electrolytes have been the singular cause of my woes this last week as I started on them the same day I quit smoking.

And it was within two days that all this crapping and farting and weirdness started. So, yeah, goodbye electrolytes.

You no good for me.

Bad relationship, I break up with you now while things not to complicated.

Ok you know damn right.

Alright, so now that we have shit and farts out of the way…how about we throw money in, because you know…money.

Ugh.

My brakes are grinding and slicing and the whole bit. I had no choice but to drive the car to work today. I have no back up and I have $0 dollars in my checking account. In fact, I’m under a couple bucks.

I realize all the things;

I realize I shouldn’t drive the damn car

I realize that driving the car will only make the brakes worse

I realize that I have no control over these things so I should just fucking accept it

Well…here’s the thing about acceptance; yeah, accept what you have no control over but it doesn’t mean you have to fucking eat it and ask for seconds.

I am so over all of this and I was up last night and I just sobbed. I mean, my neighbors must’ve heard me, it was like 2AM or so and I gave no fucks. My daughter wasn’t home so I just sobbed.

And here I am at work, I made it safely. My brakes didn’t give out.

I’m in a mood.

Fuck the regime, Fuck the 1%, Fuck Everything that doesn’t involve me being able to live comfortably and not be a burden to the people I love.

Yeah, fuck ‘em all.

Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

One Week, No Smokey Smokey

 

Hello Luvs,

This blogging thing and my morning sleep have been awful.

You know, in general, my actual amount of time asleep is so much better (with last night definitely being an exception to that), but even so, I do not want to get up in the morning.

One week not smoking.

Not gonna lie, it's been both easy and hard. What's hard is when my brain wants to act like a little kid and scream FUCK YOU at myself, I WANT A CIGARETTE. 

Those moments when they come, are intense and I almost always decide to smoke, except that I don't.

I'm already breathing easier. I love not smelling like a stink machine. I love watching my bank account stabilize, although now my fucking brakes went out.

I have to tell you that I really am over all this money shit.

I am over it.

I am tired of struggling and being scared all the time, I am tired of not being able to save money for events like my brakes going yet again. I go through brakes like an addict goes through crack. I'm not sure what that's all about. I honestly do not stomp on my brakes, I think it might be the faery thing, I really do.

People always nod and try to humor me when I talk about the fact that some of the members of my mother's side of the family have "faery blood."

I'm telling you it's true.

Anyways, how much more shit and how much more money that I don't have, am I going to continue to contend with?

Perhaps...just perhaps, Dear God, or whatever you are...could we stop slinging shit at Denise?

Like...seriously....stop.

That which does not kill us...can kill us.

I'm pissed off today.

I'm scared and overwhelmed and annoyed.

Alright, well, this is the first time I signed on to my account at work and I need to sign off asap. I don't want anyone seeing this blog, I'm just sick of not having enough time to post in the morning.

I finally achieved 800 subscribers on YouTube and just this morning, surpassed that.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Not Sure What’s Up

Good Morning Loves,

I am trying to bring back the blog. I just haven’t been feelin’ it.

I missed a lot. Meaning missed writing about a lot.

I was in the hospital for a very short stay. We don’t know for sure what exactly happened. The general consensus seems to be that it was a panic attack but that something definitely was up with my heart at the time of the attack. The EKG readout looked dyslexic.

No further episodes but clearly it is also time to quit smoking, time to start drinking enough fluids, time to eat healthier, to exercise, etc.

So I quit smoking. I have two bosses invited loved in this scenario and they will not take no for an answer. There really and truly is no try here. Yoda was right. There is only do.

So I did it and I’m doing it and sometimes it sucks so bad but mostly, I’m handling it.

Yesterday, I made all my food for the week. I am very proud of that.

I have lists for every evening this week. That’s what I’m going for in addition to maintaining cessation of smoking.

Next week, we’ll be adding more in to the mix but a step at a time, yo.

Slow & Steady wins the race.

My sleep is like something out of a dream. I do indeed sleep now and I cannot recommend magnesium glycinate enough.

I did get some magnesium L-Threanate which is the magnesium able to cross the blood brain barrier because they say it helps with focus and the aging brain. 

Yes. So. This week, at least Monday through Friday:

Continue cessation of smoking

Eat healthy

Evening Schedule

The evening schedule includes things like exercise, cleaning, projects and a few other things, which I’ll share in a long form video or here if I actually follow through!!

That’s it, that’s all, that’s all I write about that.

Yeah, I’m sorry, I’m super tired. All of the sudden, wanting to sleep at my desk.

Better go and at least stand up for a bit.

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Stupid Ass

Hellur,

Man. I haven’t been into blogging and I apologize. 

I need to put my phone down and go live life. Seriously.

I talked to my bestie last night and it was really good. We decided to start a book club.

I’m so excited.

My sister and my mom want to be a part of it too so it’s guaranteed to be hilarious if nothing else.

It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. And my bestie has too so we decided since it can be hard to find one, eff it, we’ll start our own!

Yay!!

I see the attorney after work today and I’m gonna pay him with my rent money. I don’t know what else to do. A couple of my creditors have said they’re going to close my account and garnish my wages so…

I have no choice.

And so here we go.

Back down the rabbit hole.

Wah.

Life is what it is.

I didn’t win the stupid ass gopher five and that makes me mad.

I think I should win the lottery.

I really think I should win the lottery.

Whatever.

Onwards I go.

I hope y’all all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Viking

Good Morning!!

All is well. I know people worry when I don’t ost but I had a crash this weekend.

I think it was inevitable.

What I can tell you, is that my daughter went back to work on Saturday and had a good shift and she is on the mend, still taking one of the antibiotics. She’s been very, very good about it.

But your girl here just faded out.

It’s OK, one for the books, right? Move on little soldier. Keep up the steady trudge.

Today I’m fine with the trudge.

There are things I have to do, there are always things I have to do and yeah, just gotta do them.

My big thing lately is I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die a smoker, I do not want to die overweight, I do not want to die poor and destitute. I don’t want to die without some kind of savings towards a funeral so my kids aren’t stuck with that shit. You can have a Viking burial up in Duluth.

I kind of want that. I mean I’m known for my kind of quirky personality in real life so why not go out the same way I lived.

Anyways, that’s all I got for today and I go on.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie