With Reason & Intent

Good Morning!

Ah. The job. It went very well. It’s a lot in terms of what I’ll be doing. But I know by what I went through last that I can do this.

I deserve to do this. I deserve to have this. This is a major opportunity for me.

Just believe.

Interestingly, my Grey has been running around like a maniac all morning. I think she’s not as bad as I fear. I fear the worst. The reason I’m so militant about not wanting her to suffer is that I’ll never forget going over to a new friend’s house and we were in her backyard and all of a sudden, this dog walks by us. Walks is too kind of a word. The dog shambles slowly past us. He w listed to one side as he walked. He was emaciated and his tail hung low. I couldn’t believe he was even able to stay standing. I was told he was blind too. I was horrified. There was nothing about this dog that said, “I’m ok.”

My friend told me that it was her son’s dog and he didn’t even live with her anymore but he had forbidden her to put the dog to sleep.

He couldn’t handle it.

And I remember thinking, “ You not being able to handle it is nothing compared to what you’re putting on this dog to handle.”

My sister has had cats and dogs over the years and I’ve watched her care and love for them and then seen her come to the moment when she’s had to make that decision. It’s fucking awful, it’s the worst thing in the world, but she’s made that decision out of love. Love for her animals. 

I just have never been able to forget that one dog I wrote about, my friend’s son’s dog. He was a ghost dog. He was half in the other world already. And that’s the image that haunts me when I think about what’s happening with Grey.

But she is not there. I watch and I love her and I’ll know.

So.

The job.

Yes, it is good. 

See short below.

Everything happens with reason and intent even if we can’t see it.

Ok, well this will be my last Friday not working for many moons to come.

I’m hoping to make the most of it.

Have a great Friday and a wonderful weekend.

Be Blessed. 

Love & Light,

Neecie

A, B & C

Good Morning!

I hope all of you are well.

I woke up at 5, only got 5 hours of sleep but just couldn’t bring myself to go back to sleep. There is much to do in preparation for tomorrow.

So much to do.

And I'm doing it. The past 2 hours have not been wasted. Just keep going is the theme of the day. I know myself well enough to know that:

A: I'll burn out around 3

B: If I eat on the couch and turn on the TV, I'll be done for the day

C: If I take a nap, I'm fucked

So there you have that. 

And so do I. As it is written, so shall it be. And so, the only thing I can do anything about is A. I will burn out, it's true.

At that point, I want to be mostly done for the day, except to run some errands and to get everything ready for tomorrow morning.

I can't believe it's really here and that it's really happening.

I'm also hoping to get a call tonight if the person is able as the person will have tea. And may need support.

And I am here to give it.

Here is today's short:

Ok, on that note, onwards I continue.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

So Close

Hola and Guten Morgan,

Ugh, the struggle is real although I did manage to do one good thing so far; I drove to work at the time I’ll usually have to leave and timed it. I’ll need to leave at 7:38AM to get to work with enough time to sit at my desk and clock in exactly at 8:00AM.

And ever since then, it’s been deflation.

I have relatively nothing saved towards rent or bills for the next 3 or so weeks and unemployment will stop next week.

The problem is my credit cards. I have been paying them plus the interest each month and I’m so close to being maxed out on all of them that I literally have nothing, other than what my daughter has given me so far.

We are so very close. And of course, the problem with starting a new job is always that you don’t get paid right away. I won’t know until Thursday, where I’m at in the pay period. I will find that out.

Not asking anyone who reads this, I post about what’s going on and that’s all.

I’m gonna just do me today as I did yesterday. I go a lot done, got some exercise in and stuck to my meal plan for the day so you know…we’re good. We’re good.

I didn’t sleep great but I slept better.

I also go in 64 oz of fluids which, gotta tell ya, makes a huge difference.

I had a dream about one of my brothers last night. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him, it was weird.

Alright, well now is not the time to panic, now is the time to keep moving. So that’s exactly what I’m gonna do.

I wish you all a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I Own Me

Good Morning!

I’m a literal shit show this morning; literal and figurative. 

Not even a full 3 hours of sleep. I am all over the place.

I don’t want to write from that place though.

There are two ways through today; giving in and feeling sorry for myself or hitting it as hard as what’s within my capability to do and going to bed tired, without having had recent caffeine or time spent in my phone.

Man, fuck my phone.

Fuck my fucking phone.

Ok. Well I need to keep moving as I am on my fucking phone in order to write this post. Time to quit that.

This panic and anxiety I’m feeling? It’s awful but it doesn’t own me. I own me.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

It's All On

 

Happy Sunday,

I'm bummed because yesterday was so beautiful that I literally went for a walk with no coat on. Today, it's gloomy and cold.

Wah!

Basically, all I have to say is this week it's all on. It's all on. STOP is on, GO is on. It's just on.

Because even just working fulltime is gonna be such a change but walking fulltime plus a part time job is gonna be nuts.

I don't think I can ever be fully prepared but there are some things I'll have to do.

Money is gonna be a shitshow as well. At least until I get my first full paycheck.

Gotta check my lotto ticket.

Ha!

K, like I said, that's all I've got for today.

Have a good one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

How I Roll

Good Morning!!

I had a good day yesterday! Most of it took place in the evening as I hung out with my daughter and she cracks me up. Her hubby worked late so we met him for dinner. It was good to laugh.

My boycub called out of the blue a couple days ago on his way home from work so we caught up too. I feel loved.

It’s good to feel loved. Although I work on Thursday do 4 hours, this will be my last week of no work an then it’s all on. I need to be prepared. No more fucking around. 

I’m going to make a full list of my debt today. It’ll end up of course being more due to interest but that’s ok.

One card at a time, one personal debt at a time and then the big kahuna…the loan.

Truth be told, I don't know if I can handle 55 hours a week, but I'm going to at least try. My goal is to do this for a year.

If I really hunker down, I should be able to pay off the credit cards and my personal debts in that amount of time.

Then it would just be the loan remaining.

So much is riding on this. So much.

But I can do one year...and you know, each paycheck will bring me closer to that being over. 

I have not let my former employer know that I have a new job yet. It may seem shitty of me and it weighs on me but at the same time, they weren't even going to let me know that my period of unemployment was going to be extended. I only found out because I hadn't heard from them and reached out...like, hello? Hello? Anyone? Anyone?

I'm going to send out a text on Wednesday of this week, since I start Thursday and it'll just be what it is...

So these next few days...I am just going to try and prepare mentally for everything. I'm going to apply for a part time job today. I'm looking at 15 hours a week.

With the overtime from my day job, I am going to actually be 57.5 hours a week until the slow season. This company does not lay people off however.

Thank God.

And you know, I am grateful for the job I was laid off from. I learned I can handle hard stuff, I learned I can learn, I learned I can do what's required of me. I learned I do not have to give in or give up. I learned how to let go and just let shit fly and still maintain a sense of well being (as good as I can given some of my mental health struggles).

So today, it's going to be well over 70 degrees. What the actual fuck? I think we are in for some wicked shit weather wise this summer...with the drastic temp changes, etc. But one day at a time. I'm closer to home now (new job), so if there are tornado warnings, I'll leave to come get my cats and my daughter if she's not working when warnings go off. 

I will drive through hail and tornadoes to get to my daughter and/or our cats.

That's how I roll.

Speaking of cats, Grey continues to be a conundrum. I don't have the money to find out what's going on with her. I suspect kitty dementia. She has a hard time sitting down now, like making up her mind where she wants to sit and how to sit. She stumbles from time to time. She's eating though and she seems to still want affection, etc.

But if things continue, it may sound cold, but I believe in giving her release as soon as it's clear that she's really struggling, rather than wait until death is eminent. Struggling isn't fair and it's not a good quality of life. It'll kill me to do it but she will be spared the spiral.

I have said all along and I stand by this that if I am diagnosed with something that will ultimately lead to my death but that will prolong the heartache of my family in any kind of drawn out way, while I just sit there and diminish, I won't do that. Fuck that.

I'm out. On my terms.

And the way I envision it is to go out on a freezing cold night when the moon is full, somewhere in the woods but where the moon shines down through the trees, take a handful of mushrooms (yes, magical) and...just die.

I think we should all have the right to die as we choose. As far as I know, I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask to have the issues I've had nor the struggles, I never wanted to cause harm or be irresponsible and I do acknowledge that I wasn't always those things...there's good in Denise too but...my life has been one of a lot of struggle and shame and low self-worth and it's gets tiring.

And because I didn't ask for that bullshit, I think that I should be able to choose the time and means of my death.

That got dark. But the point I'm trying to make is that noone, not even my beloved kitty should be forced to struggle here just because I don't want to let her go until the very last moment. I'd rather live knowing I spared her months of getting worse, then releasing her only when it's clear she's suffering.

This is not happening anytime soon. I am watching and I will know. I've asked her and the Goddesses who oversee cats (Freya and Bast), to show me signs and I've done meditations to open myself up to being able to see those signs.

Now I'm out for the day. I hope you have a good one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Glow

Good Afternoon Lovies,

I apologize for no blog yesterday. I actually meant to blog but time management has been an issue.

Not so today but I’m pushing myself with breaks. I found a new show to binge watch, shame. But it’s about makeup artists!!!! It’s called Glow and it’s like Project Runway, only make up; glam, special effects, you name it. I love it so much it makes me feel high watching it. 

So, today is Day 4 of 10 cigs a day. Day 1 was only 6 cigs, Day 2, I believe was 10, yesterday was 8. So far today, I’ve had 4. Not bad for 2:23PM.

The biggest struggle with that is pushing myself in between smokes, like I don't want to go anywhere because driving without smoking is hard but I did push through that.

By not giving in, and smoking more, I’m really realizing how easily my self talk, in the form of convincing myself it’s ok to give in, takes over. It’s been trying these past 4 days, believe me.

But even though I’m having plenty of couch potato time today, I’ve also run 4 different errands. 

I’m falling asleep. My dream is to find a cure for afternoon crashes.

The cure would be going back in time and being 16 again I suppose.

It’s weird because I’ve been keeping the apartment clean so my usual go to hasn’t been available to me.

Anyways, I’m ok, just tired, trying to prepare myself with what’s coming.

Have a good rest of the day!

Be blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie