Dawn is Breaking

Hey everyone,

Good morning. Dawn is breaking and the birds are chirping.

I felt very at peace yesterday and strong but today…I’m a bit more fragile.

I applied for a ton of jobs yesterday. My attitude is to just get in anywhere for any amount of pay and keep trying to land another good paying job but one without all the stress.

Perhaps if I can find something without the stress, I’ll be in a better place to get a second job.

I’m not backing down on this whole I’m not normal thing. It can’t be an excuse but I’m not built for high stress. I can’t maintain it for long without falling apart.

Wishing I could and wishing I was normal is no longer an option because I’ve wasted so much time and opportunity doing that.

I’m Denise and now I have to find out what that really means and how to navigate it in a world where “normalcy” prevails.

The trees are all budding and it’s going to be a beautiful day.

No matter what I accomplish today, I want to get outside and breath this in, take note of it, be present in it.

As gross as this is; I took a big, healthy #2 today already and it occurred to me that that’s what I’m doing figuratively as well. I’m purging.

People have been calling and if you’re one of them and I didn’t pick up, it’s because I don’t want to get weighed back down by the worry and distress this causes others. 

I will take that on and wear it like comfy pajamas.

Comfy Jammie’s make you sweat if you keep them on for too long, they lull you into sleep and troubled dreams.

And I will become numbed out and disengaged.

I will be overcome with fear and doubt.

I will strive for normalcy again.

And I will fail.

No more of this cycle.

Change is stressful but acceptance is not.

Letting go doesn’t mean stop moving forward, it means doing it differently.

It means staying open and writing the story as it unfolds.

So while today feels heavier, I’m going to move through it.

I wish I would’ve came to this years ago but I’m here now and I simply can’t go on the way I have been.

I’m open. I’m listening and I’m seeing without judgement.

So on I go. Into this day. We shall see what it brings!

I wish you a happy day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Becoming

Hi Everyone,

So here we are again. Familiar territory; crisis, chaos, repeated patterns. Except that I’m not going there. That’s what trips me up. I had an epiphany. I am done beating myself up for who I am.

I truly believe this whole thing is part of my metamorphosis. Today I am accepting myself for who I am. And I am going to learn how to move within that. My whole life has been focused on changing who I am because I believed that who I am was deficit. It’s not! I move differently in this world than others. I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I’m not comfortable moving in the world the way other people seem to be able to do. It makes success very difficult.

I need to survive and I need to be able to provide for myself the things that are needed to get through life with some modicum of comfort. But I’ve been fighting my whole life. Fighting to be something I don’t think I’m capable of being. So now the focus has to be on loving who I am and finding a way to flow within that and to be productive and to be consistent and to be successful. 

Not gonna lie, I have no idea how to do this, but this self hatred thing, and trying so hard, in large part, to ease the lives of the people who love me, well these are all good things about me, you know that I care about others and how my life affects them, those things will still be there, they still are there, but I have to love myself too in this process, and I have to find a way and so I am just going to start working on loving myself, like really loving myself and seeing my value in this world and finding out how to fit in. I’m open. This is new.

Like I don’t have any words of wisdom here this time and all the plans and all the thoughts and all the things I think I need to do that might help, I’m letting them all go. I will take action and I will go through motions and I will pay attention to what it does to me. I will pay attention to what helps and what doesn’t and I will let go of patterns. I want to be like air. I want to move within the chasms and flow out of them and be malleable and just let myself be what and who I am.

I write often about how I’m different and how I don’t fit into the box and there’s this desperate desire to make people understand that this is not something I can control, that these things are just so hard for me. I don’t have to convince anybody, I’m the one who lives it and I know. I know that it’s true. And then letting go of all the thoughts of what I should be, I just need to be what I am.

And find what’s gonna work for me.

There is a young woman who I have wrote about before, and I don’t mention her name and I’m not gonna go too much into her story, but I see her posts on my other Facebook page and she suffers from many of the same diagnoses that I do, but it’s like at nuclear level. There is so much anger and helplessness and pain and she reached out on Facebook for help, but I can’t give it to her. I am so glad that my stuff is not at that level and that I can find peace within the chaos and faith and hope and trust in the process. And still care about others and how my stuff affects them. Those things are things that are blessings and I need to be so grateful for them. And sadly, all I can do for her is send energy and pray that she’ll be OK, I can’t take that on. And I don’t Mean this in a selfish way, but her stuff helps me realize how lucky I really am and how much potential I do have and that the likelihood of me having a fulfilling, rich life is there and it’s a high potential.

I could tell my daughter was on the defensive when she came home yesterday. I think she was worried she was gonna walk into tears and self-pity and helplessness and I did not let myself go there. I was very positive and I intend to stay that way with her because that’s part of the harm that I can create and I don’t wanna do that anymore.

This situation happened so that I can continue becoming. It’s that simple.

And in my mind, that is something to be very grateful for.

It in no way negates the necessity to find a job, but it is something huge for me and it is new.

I do not have a big plan for the day. Rather, I have some ideas of things I should probably do. And so today I’m just going to move within what I think I should probably do. I’m not going to put measurements on it, I’m not going to label it, I’m going to live in it and experience it. I am going to pay attention to how I feel.

I hope you all have a beautiful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Whose B*tch?

 

Good Morning!

Ugh. Another morning of I don't wanna. I did have a talk with a friend last night and she did say that all of what I'm going through at this job, it's valid and it sucks and it's awful.

There are two choices; quit, walk away or stay and make them my bitch.

There is a rebel in me who fights against any kind of authority and anyone telling me what to do.

And I think that has a place but unfortunately, I don't have money sitting in the bank to try and take care of all of this while I look for something else.

I got nada.

The rebel is out and there are things I'm doing that I better not write about, just in case, ways around this cold calling thing they lied to  me about.

But I gotta find another job.

So.

This company wouldn't know loyalty if it bit them in the ass and so...they're not getting any from me but I will say you know, my attitude has got to be try as hard as you can to make it through this. 

You win the lottery...good, walk. You don't, look for another job. Keep looking, don't give up. This company is a paycheck and a paycheck only. They are a means to an end and I'm gonna use them the way they are using me.

Just get me out of there...please Universe...get me out of there but not because I'm sick or anything negative. 

You have to be careful of not only what you ask for, but how.

Knock on wood, but my stomach seems to be improving. 

I stink like straight up arse so I'm going to go shower and do the things. Pumpkin now knows how to open the freezer and so all of the food prep I did for the week went out the window, or the freezer. Yeah, everything, including my ice...done for.

Having an intelligent cat...it's a handful. She's a handful.

But she's the handful I love.

Alright, well, I guess onwards we go.

And a big fuck you to the fuckers.

K.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dad

Here I am again.

Getting some decent sleep really helped me.

I’m still feeling a little rumbly though. A little discomfort in my tummy.

Time for some big changes. I have to get out of this job. I have to. 

It’s so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want my life to just get better. Change takes all the things I struggle with. 

That cold calling system I’ve been bitching about? It’s got me so stressed out I vomit.

I’m having major issues with my tummy that started last night. I called in and they want a fucking doctor’s note. 

When they don’t provide fucking insurance.

FUCK YOU!!!

With the cold calling, I literally ask for the wrong person, I act like they are wrong numbers. Because I can’t take people bitching at me for calling them.

I mean…it’s creative problem solving is how I look at it.

But I couldn’t go in today.

Too much pain.

And so I go some sleep and I had what they call a using dream. It’s been 3 years since I used my drug of choice and in the dream I was using. But Dad came and he wanted to get me out of there and other friends were there and they were a distraction.

But Dad.

Dad came.

I miss him so much.

In the dream, I don’t know if he was talking to my kids or to my sister or what but he had a piece of paper in his hand and it was a plan to get me out of where I was and I feel like it was him saying he is still with me and there is a plan.

Because I’ve been having dark thoughts again. Not about drugs but about not being here and not having to do this anymore.

I want to settle in to a decent job for a company that makes me feel valued.

They have filled my position several times in the 4 years my immediate supervisor has worked there and wouldn’t you think they’d figure out that their way of doing things isn’t working?

I guess going over and over this in my head solves nothing.

I can’t change anything but myself.

Wishing it away is an act of futility.

I’m lost in this right now and just trying a light to guide me.

Dad says there’s a plan.

How I wish he was here and that I could talk to him.

I can still talk to him though. I just told him I love him.

Ok, well I would just ask that if you believe in anything, sen a little strength, love and healing my way, maybe some comfort too. I’m struggling.

Love to you all.

Neecie

Ulcer?

Hi Everyone,

I have been through it in the past 8 hours or so.

I stopped taking my omeprazole last week because I didn’t want to use a credit card to get more and that was my first mistake.

Pain within a few days. So I got some and started feeling better but not “normal” better. 

And then yesterday, well it was Monday and Monday’s at work are horrid and they brought in all this food for the 20 year anniversary of the place and I went to town. Let’s just shove all this stress down with food, cover it up with carbs and sugar and cheap pizza. I felt bloated at work but ok. 

Same at night.

The most intense pain woke me up around midnight.

Excruciating.

The only reason I don’t go to the hospital was the money. No insurance.

I took like 4 omeprazole and slowly started feeling better. I’m light headed this morning.

I did speak to a doctor at my usual clinic and they said I’ll probably have to have another endoscopy.

No insurance.

Anyways, I’m going to try and drastically change some things and see if that helps first.

If I drop dead in the process, I drop dead. I don’t want to die but I also can’t go on like this.

I’m miserable.

I’m sad.

I feel like my heart broke somewhere in all of this. Disappointment in myself and how my life has turned out, frustration that I’ve made no progress.

For now, I’m going back to bed. When I get up, I’ll come up with a plan.

No I didn’t quit my job.

Back to the hell hole tomorrow.

If I don’t drop dead.

Ha!

Just my mood today.

But I hope all of you have a good day.

I hope you are blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

All Morning

Good Morning!

I think I slept ok! I went to sleep around 8:30ish or maybe 9 and I did wake up a couple times but I go back to sleep ok. I woke up at 3:55 and stayed up but I forced myself to stay in bed until 5. I want my body to get used to the fact that 9-5 is sleepy time.

Consistency.

I had a full day yesterday.

I got a lot done.

I need to keep that train going.

I had lunch with my sister too.

You have to fit the good stuff in too and knocking it out of the park is the good stuff but fam and friends is much needed as well.

I already have to go. I've spent all morning uploading and scheduling my long form videos to publish so off I go.

Love my sibs.

Here is yesterday's Neecie's Journey to Better Health:

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wonky Ass

Well Hello,

I know not why some days like yesterday, I lay about like a slug or a bug in a rug and days like today, I get the fuck up and do the thing.

Best only to question it when I’m in slug mode lest I digress back into it when I’m in go mode.

I hate my fucking job.

K.

Now that I’ve got that established, shall we move past?

I’m hitting it hard this morning. Showered, curled my hair for my videos, went to Targetvfor some groceries, got gas. 

About to put some makeup on and shoot those damn videos and then hopefully have time to rollerskate, but if not, I will drop my daughter off at work, then go back and rollerskate and then I will stop by my roommate’s place and say good morning or hello or whatever if he’s not working and then I will go out to my sisters.

I can’t stay there all day because I need to come back and do food prep and I do need a little downtime and preparing for my day and my week.

I need to get into bed on time as I am really shooting for consistency with my morning routine and as far as my evening routine, I’m kind of like fuck that for now except getting into bed on time.

Emotionally I have been all over the place. I have had some wonky ass dreams and I think I wrote earlier about the fact that I’m having dreams about people from my past. It’s like I’m revisiting my life in a way. It’s mainly the big players who are no longer in my life that I’m dreaming about.

Two of the people who I feel really bad about, I have already made amends too, and they want nothing to do with me and I’m at peace with that. Two of the people I dreamt about the night before last, I could care less about.

There are some people who I may be knew or met once, or I knew them for a summer, I was always meeting new people. I will never see those people again, I don’t even remember their names. So I just try to send out love and light to them.

Dwelling on the past, especially mistakes and things we have regrets about, does no good. As much as I think about it, sometimes, I know we can’t go back, but even if we could, who knows how things would end up if I was able to change them. For real, who knows? Maybe I wouldn’t have my children, maybe I’d be dead, maybe I wouldn’t have had some of the beautiful experiences I’ve had in my life. 

Acceptance is a big part of living free. I’m not gonna lie, I hate the way my life is right now.

I don’t care what anyone says, and I don’t care how most people are. I am someone who struggles with the box. The box is slavery to me.

I am trying to acclimate because I guess that’s what we’re supposed to do. But it crushes me and it always will.

And that is why I write this blog, why I shoot videos, why I still hold onto the dream of Willow’s whimsy in whatever form it turns out being. I want to be the author of my life, not what society says I should fucking do.

But I also really do want to be self-sufficient and bring joy instead of worry to the people I love.

I don’t think they worry about the whole drug abuse thing anymore, but they worry about me in general and just how I am. I do know that living the life I wanna live does not mean that others take care of me financially.

I go down so many rabbit holes.

So I’m gonna go now and get my shit done and shoot my videos and see if I have time to rollerskate.

I sure hope I do.

I’ll be back, I always am. Unless, you know, for some reason I drop dead. 

Let’s hope that doesn’t happen today.

I hope you have a great Sunday.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie