Brings Back Ick

Oh my God, it’s Friday!

So sleeping seems to be a thing with me now. I’ve gone from very little to sleeping all the time.

Well…not at work.

I got paid today, which is great but I have to go open a new bank account after work to make sure that stupid loan payment doesn’t go through again.

When will this nightmare end?

Sooner than later motherfuckers. I am not referring to you as a motherfucker, I am referring to the parts of the Universe that are conspiring to force this current life lesson upon me.

Ugh.

Anyways.

I made it to work, sitting in my car because I’m early. Although not in any way a trigger, being in this neighborhood brings back ick.

It’s ok, I manage.

I try to look at it like yeah…I’ve traversed these roads before but I’m in a different vehicle (my mind), and although my mind can also be a scary neighborhood, I’m not who I was then.

I’m just here doing my best. My current best. My best can get better.

Alright, off at 3:30 today so yay for that.

I hope you have a good day. Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Messes

Good Morning!

How is everyone? I hope you are all good.

Me?

Meh.

Another day. Another day of stress and wondering how the fuck we’re gonna make it. I didn’t sleep 12 hours but I did go to bed early again.

I just can’t deal with anything, none of this.

My bed is my only happy place right now. My anxiety is with me constantly and it’s sits in my stomach, I can feel it there.

I wish I could have a job I don’t mind, like this current one but one that paid a living wage.

I’m without hope and it makes everything so much harder.

When I was still using, I would come back from a bender and the crushing remorse and shame was horrible. I feel like that all the time now and I’m not even using.

The shit show in my head just won’t turn off. My grandmother, her name was Lois, I never met her, but Dad shared with me that she struggled horribly with depression and even had to go into the hospital here in Minnesota and get electric shock treatments. Dad carried guilt about that. But I know what that’s like. It wasn’t his fault, just like it’s nobody else’s fault how I’m feeling.

Regardless of whether I get through this financial bullshit or not, something has to change within me.

I need help and I’m willing to get it but here again, circumstances have to change in order for me to do so.

There are things that make me happy. My children, my cats, my sister, my mom, and a few very good friends who I know, love me and care about me dearly.

It does mean something, I’m not so depressed that I can’t feel that.

But yeah, my apartment is a mess. My head is a mess. My life is a mess.

Welcome to the shit show.

Sorry for the Debbie downer post but, hey, at least I keep it real.

All right, well I better get ready for work. Another day, another not enough dollars.

I do hope you all have a good day.

I hope you are blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Quicksand

Hi Everyone,

Sigh. I slept for 11 hours last night.

What the actual?

All I know, is that when I got home, I was exhausted on all the levels. Physical, emotional, mental. 

I am not sure what that was about as I had a good day at work it wasn’t stressful.

I can’t continue to do this every night, but I do think it’s OK once in a while to say yes to myself and to take care of myself.

I am back to being despondent and feeling little to no hope. But at least I can see the beauty in the world and the beauty around me and I can feel the love that people have for me and that is something that I am still able to feel grateful for.

I really want to stay home today, but that is part of my pattern with jobs. I get overwhelmed by the apartment and the mess and I tell myself I’ll stay home and I’ll get it all done today, but the thing is, obviously I cannot do that anymore. That is one pattern that is no longer an option.

I am dressed, and I am ready to go to work and so that’s what I’m going to do and hopefully I can get some things done tonight.

I managed to clean the cat boxes this morning and that may sound very simple, but it is everything when you feel like everything you’re doing is like trudging through quicksand. 

My daughter was gone last night and so pumpkin came a couple times and she snuggled right up to me and was making biscuits on my face and kissing me and purring and I wish they could box that up so you could carry it with you all day, but I guess I’ll just put it in my heart and my memories and take it out if I need it.

Animals are the best.

I’m watching my Grey Grey clean herself and now she curled up. She doesn’t have a lot of energy anymore so she cleans herself laying down.

I’ve never seen a cat who cleans herself so much and it’s funny that as she slows down and has become elderly, that is the one constant with her is that she will continue to clean herself.

I love her so much.

All right, well I hope you all have a good day.

Go forth and conquer.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Noisy

Oh you Guys,

Here at work and questioning everything. It’s just awful.

I so wish the noise in my brain would just…stop.

Just for one day. What would it be like not to have this constant anxiety and racing thoughts. They race so fast, I can’t catch even one of them.

I don’t claim to understand what’s happening to me. I know it’s better to live in reality but it sucks.

There’s no way around that.

My older girl, Grey? I know I’ve written about my worries with her. This morning, when I got in the shower, she stood by the shower curtain and just yowled and yowled and yowled. She didn’t seem to be in pain and by the time I left for work, she was cuddled up to my daughter.

It makes me so sad. Each day, I wonder if tomorrow will be the day she leaves me. When I wake up early or in the middle of the night, I pet her to make sure she’s ok.

I won’t be able to afford to have anyone come to me to put her down. I’ll have to bring her in somewhere. Which will be stressful for her.

I can’t bear it.

Best not to think of such things until they are here.

It just fills me with dread.

Stop Denise. 

She’s safe and comfortable right now. See, my brain is able to fixate on negative 

My momma sent me something in the mail that will ease things up a bit but I don’t think I’m gonna make rent.

I can’t keep on doing this but I also know I have no choice.

Fuck.

Lord help me.

Lord knows I need it. Help I mean.

In all aspects of my life apparently.

Deep breath.

Alright, well I’m just sitting here at my desk and my anxiety is off the charts so I thought I’d write again.

Hope y’all are having a good morning!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Anxious

Good Morning!

I am feeling a little bit anxious this morning.

I had a bit of a scare with my daughter last night.

She came close to having heat stroke. I picked her up from work and her poor cheeks were red and she started puking. Luckily, she puked out the window and I also had her open the door to do it while we were at a stoplight.

She had a crushing headache as well. I looked up the symptoms and they had level of severity and the first is a core temp of 104, the last on the list was her symptoms. 

Her temp was normal as was her pulse but she vomited a couple times more.

She’s better this morning but that was scary. She works in a restaurant and they have no A/C in the kitchen. 

I didn’t have a good day. I’m starting to think that something is deeply wrong with me.

But I could be wrong.

My sister said when our bio dad died that she sees hummingbirds for him and I was on the couch yesterday and looked out the window and there was a little hummingbird. It was so random. 

But I felt like that was a visit. I’d been sobbing earlier, asking the Universe for help and then there he was.

So apparently, I have all 3 of them looking out for me; Mom, Dad and my bio dad, David.

Anyways, on I go.

Work today.

I’m not gonna have enough for rent. I did apply at a massage spa near me for an evening and every other Saturday position. We’ll see if I hear anything. Fingers crossed.

Where does the time go in the mornings?

On with it I guess.

I hope you have a good day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Passing Me By

Hola!!

I am going to have to force the issue here.

Fuckin’ A.

Get up and just do.

A friend of mine got a great job and she is encouraging me to apply. The thing is she has done things the right way and stuck with jobs from the past for a long, long time. She has a great working history. I do not. But it cannot mean don’t try. So I will try and I will have no expectations.

Regardless of pay, I do have a job to go to tomorrow and for that I am grateful.

But my life is passing me by.

And I need to fill it with the good stuff. At my celebration of life, I want people to say, “She really went for it.”

Not, “Well, she gave up and it’s sad.”

I don’t know. 

Ok. Well, I’m gonna grab a starting point and see where I land.

Each day is another chance to be productive, to make the good choices.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Summer is Here

Good Morning!

It’s gonna get warm. Today, summer is arriving in Minnesota.

Summers are hard for me for all the reasons, all stemming from the heat.

And of course, self esteem about my clubby arms, my huge calves.

But.

I spoke to a friend of mine, one of my dear friends, and she was talking about how she doesn’t care anymore and how she dresses nice and doesn’t worry about covering up what she used to feel insecure about.

I thought, yup, that’s amazing.

This friend and I hadn't spoken in over a year.

But we had a good talk, like we covered all the bases.

This friendship had a great foundation and I feel like sometimes, and we both agreed on this, that sometimes you need time away to work on yourself and the timing for reconnecting will show itself, which it did, and I’m just very happy to be back in each other’s lives.

So there’s your gratitude for yesterday and it’s a big one.

Other things happened yesterday that took the wind out of my sails so to speak and although I managed to get some good things done, after I dropped my daughter off at work, I laid down on the couch and slept for 5 hours. 5.

What the actual fuck?

I guess I needed it.

I feel like when I do fade out, I fade out quick.

That’s ok.

I’m just gonna jump in to today and go from there.

We have these 24 hour cycles of time and I have tomorrow too so I’ll do what I can.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie