I am a crabby, impatient B this morning. I was literally up all night. Input about 4 hours of sleep together but…I feel like a maniac.
The interview I had the other day is fucking with me big time. I’m second guessing everything and I think I have to come to a place of peace with this. If I get it, I’ll know when I know but in the meantime, let’s just move on from this shall we?
The apartment is clean except for my bathroom which I’m about to go take care of shortly. I have to poop and I’m becoming poop avoidant if that’s a thing…like I hate it so much, I try and hold that shit in until I absolutely have to do it.
Ok, well that went somewhere didn't it? Sheesh.
It's later now. I feel better. My daughter had to work and she really couldn't sleep either so we were up talking quite a bit. She had an "interesting" evening last night through no fault of her own and we were discussing that.
She's at work now and my middle child, my first girl, is coming over in about an hour and we'll be spending the afternoon together.
Oh I wish I had inspiration or words of wisdom to impart today but y'girl is tired AF. I think Imma lay down til my darling arrives.
My only goal for today is to clean my bathroom and put the clean sheets on my bed and do bougie bath.
Easy peasy...
Have a great day, all of you and thank you for stopping by.
Ok, so you know at least I've been up today and moving around. Today, the weather is awful. It's warmer than usual but rainy and gray and that causes a chill.
It is so hard to be motivated in this weather but shall we just be honest with ourselves here? It's almost always hard for me to be motivated.
Whatever.
I am determined to go to be with a clean apartment. Oh no, not cleaning again. Well...yeah, fucking cleaning. Because once again, this apartment is so small. And if I have even one day of laziness, it's a no go, it's gets messy and the kitchen? I cook one meal and it looks like a nuclear bomb went off.
Whatever.
I had an interview yesterday! It was amazing.
But I won't know for a couple weeks and that's hard.
I'm going to send off a thank you email shortly.
Gotta do that.
Last night, I was awoken at :AM by people howling like wolves off in the distance.
It scared the crap out of me.
The funny thing is, I was at a party when I was a teenager and my sister and I left with two guys and we were walking to the house of one of the guys we were with and this other guy who had been at the party, had left and run off and he too, howled at the moon that night. We could mark his progress based on how loud or far away the howls were.
Yes, I have known some very interesting people in my life.
Most of these kind of meetings tended to be in my young adult life, not quite as many crazies now and I am A-OK with that shit.
These days I still like funny, quirky, interesting but only if it comes with kindness and compassion. There are so many people I've reconnected with over the years that turned out to be...yucko and I realized that I was longing to connect with who they were so long ago. You know, I've changed too. There are people from my teen years I would never hang out with or develop friendships with now. And the really amazing thing for me, is that I've connected with people I knew but didn't hang out with way back when, but they are AMAZING people.
I am blessed.
I've been trying diligently to reach out to people and ask to get together because they don't. And that's fine, we're all busy. I just have grown so sick of rotting away in my apartment during this layoff and all the stress that has gone with it that I need human connection.
It's beautiful.
I was thinking about my past this morning and trying to figure out if there really is anyone from my past that I want to reconnect with and I don't. I'm good.
I have room for new friends and for the ones here now but...the past? Let it fucking stay there.
How’s everyone doing this morning? While I would like some sunshine, i’m just feeling Miss Mary sunshine inside myself today.
I will never cease to be amazed at how one night of good sleep can literally turn my attitude around. And it reminds me that I have got to make sleep a priority.
I suppose there are many things that should be a priority and I try to make them priorities but my brain is so filled with floody, fluffy, sometimes kaka, that I just can’t seem to get a grip.
I woke up at four but that’s OK because I went to bed at 8:30 and I was ready to go. I have meditated, I have gone for a walk, I posted a short, and now I’m writing this blog.
There is much that will be done today. And perhaps I will have some good news at the end of this day.
But I have to remind myself of what I’m grateful for, because if I don’t have good news, I still have things to be grateful for. The rent is paid. Again.
As hard as I am on myself. I am loved by others. I had the funniest Phone call with my Bestie yesterday a.m. I got the rent money like I said. I went grocery shopping. I talked to my sister on the phone last night too. I would just ask that you keep her sweet pup in your mind and heart.
She is one of the sweetest dogs I’ve ever met, she is a beautiful greyhound. And she is living beyond the life expectancy of a greyhound, but she is having some difficulties. Please send some healing thoughts to her.
Well, for the first time in ages, I have to get ready for something in the morning. So I am going to go do that.
I wish you a day filled with productivity, happiness, blessings and gratitude.
Oh man. I am off the charts today. Can you say anxiety? One is that I have to yet again ask someone for money. For rent, which I have until tomorrow to pay. And also because I have a second interview tomorrow and if I get this, I could be working next Monday. And applying for a part time job.
This could be over.
But of course, that’s a grasp, right? Because I don’t know if I’ll get it.
I can’t calm down so I’m trying to stay busy.
And get the apartment clean, because if I start working two jobs, cleaning will be…interesting.
Oh you guys, I’m terrified. Terrified of getting the job and terrified of NOT getting the job.
If I get this, my debt could be paid off in 18 months. I’d keep the second job for another six months so I could save up to move out of here.
Ok, calm down darlin’, we ain’t there yet and this ship hasn’t set sail so fuck a duck and get through this day.
I grocery shopped. A neighbor gave me a $50 dollar gift card and that feels me out but it was nice so imma make some cookies and give him some as a thank you.
Ok, well apparently I’m nuts so let’s this out this entry out of its misery and get on with it.
The picture I tried to insert from my phone doesn’t seem to be working, sorry about that.
I have not been able to move today. I have some weird virus. I can feel it in my chest but that’s no cough, no shortness of breath. I am sneezing however, I have a headache and I’m so tired it feels like I weigh 500lbs when I get up and walk around.
And that makes all the other stuff hurt and feel worse; the mental health stuff.
I don’t want this life…the way it is. No one else can change it though. No one. Just me. God seems to be being stingy with his/her/their miracles of late.
And I need a miracle. Money? Well that would be great but no, if given a choice, I would choose the miracle of healing. Get rid of this mental health shit, be the kind of person who has a dream and goes for it and doesn’t stop, who doesn’t question themselves - self confidence supreme. Be the kind of person who has no shame, who believes in themself but has no arrogance.
Someone who has the fucking energy to help others.
Then…yeah, some money would be great. And if there was no choice, only money, I’d take it and try to fix this shit myself.
I don’t feel good. My head hurts. My head hurts a lot so I’m giving myself grace and I’m gonna get through today and then we’ll see what we can do about getting through this thing called life.
See, I continue to have good days and bad days. I cry a lot because I’m so very unhappy.
But the Universe provides happy moments in the midst of all this and that keeps me going. No self-pity. It is what it is and I go on.
Ugh! I woke up with the crud. My plan is to go back to bed and get some more sleep. But I seem to be procrastinating that. Geez, when you start procrastinating laziness, then apparently you experience laziness on a level that I personally did not know could be achieved. Ha! So I have already accomplished something.
I bummed about it because I was supposed to meet a friend but I really am sick with a little something and my body is just…meh.
Plus, she is blessed to have a job. I don’t want to get her sick and force possible time off on her.
I’m so tired.
Well let’s try and write something productive shall we? Back to bed and then the word of the week is STOP. I’m going to make a list of all the changes I want to make that require one simple thing; like, literally no effort. These are the things that all I have to do is STOP doing them. No other effort whatsoever. Just STOP.
Because that will get a whole slew of shit out of the way. Yeah, yeah, believe me, I know. Easier said than done but sometimes I react better to simplification. Simple mind, simple girl, just fucking STOP.
I overthink everything. I think we’ve established that. So it is no new news to you and it is no new news to me.
I got a little boom from the universe yesterday, but it’s one that’s freaking me out.
I had a neighbor knock on my door last week and it was a dude, a younger dude. He was asking me all sorts of questions. He lives up on third floor and him, and his roommate are considering transferring to the apartment across from me. So he wanted to know if my neighbors are loud, etc. and he wanted to introduce himself and all that.
That’s really nice, but I am a freak of nature and these kinds of contact throw me off. Remember that I am an extroverted introvert. I don’t want to know my neighbors. And I don’t remember before I quit blogging, if I told you about the lady that lives on third floor also. Apparently third floor breeds strangeness. Yeah, she is very nice but very different. And she is the opposite of what I am politically. I am trying so hard to work on the kindness thing and just let people be who they are, but when it comes to my personal life, I just can’t get on board with certain things. I can let her be what she is, but it doesn’t mean I want to pursue a friendship. She made a statement last week in the hallway and I had to tell her that I don’t believe that and that my politics are very different from hers. I could tell she was upset.
So anyway, that happened with the Dude last week and yesterday, I came inside yesterday and he was at my door again. I’m sure that I made it clear I was not happy about this turn of events. Well then he gave me an Aldi gift card.
And I felt really bad, because it was a lovely gesture. It really was. He has no idea of how I am and that stranger interactions freaked me out. And he ended the conversation with, God bless you.
I will probably have to say this over and over and over again. I am not anti-Christian, my personal belief system encompasses things that can be found in all religions, and I celebrate the fact that people get to choose what they believe. Unfortunately, God bless you now comes with fully loaded possibilities. For me, there are some who have weaponized that statement.
I make certain assumptions. I did say thank you and you too. And I do feel awful because the gift card was for $50. This means we’ll eat this week. Keep in mind that I’m three days away from rent and still need to come up with about $400.
So eating this week was not going to be in the plan. I’m grateful. I am going to get him a thank you card and give it to him. It’s the kind, right thing to do.
The universe provided through him and I have to remember that receiving and then saying thank you doesn’t mean I have to be buddy buddy with him. If he is what I fear he is, I am not obligated to sit and listen to it.
I need to just be grateful and move on.
It’s so funny, because I have so many friends who have helped us in one way or the other and done very kind, thoughtful things but when it’s a stranger, I freak out and I think that there are underlying motivations, and I get suspicious and scared.
Clearly, I need to stop doing this.
OK, well I think I am going to go lay down now. Here is my short for the day.
I do not have a logo or cover pic yet for this new leg of the blog. I will in time.
For those of you in the know, I have changed my FB business page to Neecie's Unfiltered Mindset. I did this because let's face it, y'girl been slow to the punch when it comes to Willow's Whimsy.
My YouTube channel remains the same: Willow's Whimsy. Link here: Willow's Whimsy. Please take a tour over there and check me out, subscribe, like a video, comment, what have you.
And speaking on comments, they are shut off on my shorts but I keep 'em open on my long form videos. This is because since I use filters on my shorts, I look better than I really look, lmao, and I garner much unwanted attention from the opposite sex. No one has done anything creepy but my shorts/videos/sharing of my journey is no way whatsoever, to garner attention from, or snag me, a man. Again, that ship has sailed and I'm all good on that front. I don't mean to be hurtful or judgemental of anyone who has shared nice comments with me, it's just that kind of attention makes me feel very uncomfortable and is not what I seek.
I am finally growing my channel, thanks to the shorts I post and I do not want to have to start over there with a second channel, which is what I'd have to do if I split them up the way I am doing with my pages on FB and probably instagram as well although I've been remiss over there as well.
If you previously followed, you are still following. If you did not, I would love it if you would go over there and like/follow it. Thank you!!
On this particular page, I am sharing all of the journey other than my Willow's Whimsy business. That will have it's own page at some point.
So what will be on this updated and newly named page? All of the mental health, physical health, emotional and sometimes spiritual health stuff...my struggles, my successes, my own personal feel goods - videos and shorts, blog posts, food, fun stuff I do, my hobbies, all of that kind of stuff. I want the journey on my page to mirror and reflect the changes and my life as they/it unfolds.
Why is the blog back? My sister said it's funnier. You know, then my videos.
And it is. I am going to try on some level to be less morose and serious on my channel but I just really struggle with authenticity. Not that I lie, I don't mean that but I'm not "me" on there, my funny, smart ass, foul mouthed persona does not always come through, nor my ability to laugh at myself and be like...seriously, dude, what the actual fuck.
That's it, that's why I'm back.
I hope you all have a great day and bear with me as I get back into this and as the page changes and this finally becomes whatever it's really meant to be.
