If It Was Just Me

Hello, Hello,

Oh you guys. Why this struggle to do anything? I took a shower.

 

That’s it so far.

I still have a good portion of day in front of me. I’m starving even though this stomach pain continues. I’m gonna make some scrambled eggs with cheese and make myself my protein shake and that’ll be it for food for today because of the pain. 

If I eat too much, I suffer.

But at least I can eat.

I’m very anxious and also sad. My sister’s remaining pup is not doing so well. You look at this dog and you would never know how old she is. She still looks so youthful to me and she is stunningly beautiful. But she is I believe either close to 13 or actually 13 now and that’s old for a greyhound. I think anyone who has ever taken on an animal and loved them questions themselves towards the end, why do I do this, because it is so very hard to lose them.

And let’s face it, not everyone who owns an animal should. But my sister is not one of those people. Her dogs are treated in a way that all animals should be treated, and they are the most loving creatures as a result.

Just perfect little souls.

How can such tiny beings bring such an incredibly big amount of love into our hearts? They just do.

So I am sad.

Sad for my sister, too, this kind of lossis horrific.

I’m getting through this time and we are quickly approaching the danger zone. I even considered just saying fuck it and paying all my bills and ignoring the rent and letting that go, but I can’t do that to my daughter. If it was just me, I would. But it is not just me.

And so here we are and here I am, and you can only move through it. Aligning with the flow, right?

Yup.

So here I go, going to align myself now. And we shall see what the day brings. Or, you know, what the rest of the day brings.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Flow

Good Morning!

Hmmmm, lots of thoughts. One that, if what I suspect is true, I just don’t understand. 

But this is not the place to write about that.

I applied for a ton of jobs yesterday.

I will apply for more today. My anxiety is at this place where I felt insane and I couldn’t sit still. So I just tried to use that energy to be productive and proactive.

And although not perfect, it did work.

I woke up mad though. Mad about everything. 

I need to take an ice cold shower and I need to meditate and get myself out of this place.

I had a dream with mom in it last night.

In the dream, I was driving down main street in Anoka and I lost control of my car and it was driving into oncoming traffic and all I could think was, “I’m gonna die and I hope people don’t think I’m drinking” because I wasn’t. 

I ended up abandoning the car and I was all bruised up from it and I knew I had to go to the hospital but I went to a friends house and was calling Mom and she said she’d come get me and then I was at like a food truck talking to the guy and he had all these receipts for me to go through and I was looking for something and then I ended up at this restaurant in Main Street and mom was there waiting for me and she’d just gotten a haircut. It was really pretty but something she’d never have had in real life and she’s had this sparkly black shirt on and she was really happy.

It made me think she telling me she’s happy but still here for me.

I don’t know.

I love you Mom.

I’m tired.

Like, life tired. 

But I go on.

I just go on and on and on.

With an ouchie tummy.

Just talked to beloved Rhi. My youngest and I have had some good talks…

I’m sad though. Sad and overwhelmed and I know the only way through is through.

Here we go. Another day north of the earth and trying to align myself with what is. Sometimes that’s the best we can do.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dramatic? And??

 

Hi Everyone,

Ugh, turn downs on the jobs I've applied for. 

It's ok, or actually, it's not. I'm not ok. But I'm applying for more.

It's hard. It's so hard to be and stay positive so I guess for now, I need to be OK having moments of it, no  matter how small.

Lots of tears today, lots of wishing for things that I can't magically make happen.

And utter despondency at times too, like I'm all over the place.

I've been talking to my daughter today as well. We are very similar in some key ways...with the way we process information and the way we learn. 

I've been looking back and as far as this job stuff, this started long before I ever had my first job. It started in school; like around 6th grade and it kicked into high gear and ultimately ended with me not graduating high school.

And just opportunities, good fucking opportunities...look, I'm not writing all this out to bash myself, I'm writing it all out to see this pattern and where it began and there are so many pieces to this.

Somewhere around 7th grade, I gave up. I gave up trying to push though anything difficult. I do know there is the fear of failure but also honestly not being able to retain information in a meaningful way either. Yeah, if I really like something, I can retain it but when I like something, it's a joy learning about it. And people think that means that I can do the things I don't want to. I've been reading so much about ADHD and how the brain lights up when it's excited about something but practically goes dormant if there is no interest and while I do believe that we can train ourselves to a certain extend, it does make it excruciatingly hard.

So we have fear of failure, we have ADHD, we have the Borderline stuff, which involves repeating self-sabotaging behaviors and then we have, quite frankly, a natural disposition to laziness.

I was always able to make this work because I had my parents to lean on. It was wrong, that. I have deep regrets over it but since they have both been gone, I see now, the issues I have because it has become a non-negotiable not to walk out on these jobs.

And these jobs, they are horrid for me. 

Absolutely horrid.

I do understand about attitude and positivity and gratitude. Some of these jobs have literally had me wanting to crawl out of my own skin, it's like they hurt me physically.

Dramatic?

I'm just trying to explain. I have tried to explain to people before and they don't get it. 

These are not excuses.

These are things I struggle with and I see now that maybe they have the potential for me to end me. That's not dramatic either.

I simply cannot go on this way. I can't live like this.

People who know me in my personal life find it hard to believe these struggles because I'm articulate, because I make sense. But they don't see me at work, they don't know the things that I've had managers say to me or how I am treated like I'm dumb.

I know I'm smart, just like my daughter is, we just process things, and I have an Aunt like this too, differently. And in  my case, this borderline shit brings out emotions I'm not equipped to handle and that fucks up my productivity too.

This is not fix it in a day shit. I need help with all of this.

I'm trying to watch videos about this shit and get ideas for skills I can master in an effort to get through all this but goddamnit man, I get to own this.

No excuses, just a cry to the Universe for help.

Ok, that's where I'm at today.

Have a good day.

And to my new subscribers on YouTube, thank you, thank you, thank you. 709 as of this morning.

I have value.

I'm working on valuing myself and I'm wanting my daughter to see that in herself too, but to have others back it up by subscribing...just thank you.

Somedays, again maybe somewhat dramatically, I feel like it's the only thing I have.

Have a good night you guys.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wankers Be A'Callin

 

Hello,

Oh man. I'm not in a good place but the good news is I'm doing my best to push through. At the end of the day, if that's all I do, then that's something. 

And I know...find a job. Number one priority, numero uno, the big kahuna.

I'm doing that after posting this.

I applied for one job on Indeed and they sent a message saying the next step is to apply on their website. 

Ugh.

You all know how I feel about that. It's annoying as fuck. Interview my ass and then, if you like me, then ask me to fill out an online app.

Anyways, bla bla bla.

I'm going to try and just keep steady today. My list, per the norm is out of control but the two things I have to do today, even if it means no cleaning, is apply for jobs and make some bath bombs. 

Lord have mercy.

I'm trying the stop application again, and trying to apply it to smoking, coffee and skin picking. I've managed to stay away from the ouches on my legs and I want at them sooooo bad. I've attacked the two on my back though. But at least I've managed to stay away from the ones on my legs so far and the one on my face.

No coffee. I mean, I put my dose coffee powder in my protein shake but that's it. No Starbucks and no making any at home.

I have smoked. Praise JaySUS y'all, I have smoked but...minimally. Not allowing myself chain smoking sessions in the car. 

Some wanker called me today about "my business" not showing up in Google search, they are relentless and it's a huge fucking scam and I answered the call because I've applied for a number of jobs. I fucking went off.

Just to be assholes, they called right back after I hung up on them.

I didn't take the bait.

Anyways, you guys, I hit 700 subscribers on YouTube yesterday and now have 706 as of this morning. 

It makes me so happy.

My bestie will be close enough to hug on Thursday and that's exactly what I plan on doing. I was hoping for more time but will take the space she has available. She usually comes out because of family events and because it's so rare she gets here, everyone wants a piece of her. It's hard, I wish we could have a day or two but I get it...I'll post pics.

Of course I will post pics, it's what I do and speaking of what I do, I also apply for jobs so I best do that. Here is today's short.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Anxiety and the Dumb Down

 

Happy Sunday,

I'm a mess today guys. But yesterday was worse, so you know, we'll just go with that. 

That is a positive.

When I say yesterday was worse, what I mean is that my anxiety went through the roof and it dumbed me down. Oh my god.

I went out to my sister's to watch her pup and you know, she's slowed down so much. And I was so worried about her, like all my anxiety, all of it that had just continued to build up all day? It all went into her. I was texting my sister, like, is this normal, blah blah.

And she was fine.

She was fine.

I've been doing fine, haven't been sitting on my ass but it doesn't feel like that. 

I'm trying to let go of patterns but I do have to clean the house again, I'm not ready to let that insanity go quite yet so I'm going to get started on that. It was worse a week ago Friday and I got that shit done in an hour and a half, then I'm going to make some products because there is only now. And right now, I don't have a job so anything...anything at all that could potentially help us, there is only now.

I plan to end the afternoon with job search.

Lots of job search.

In fact, I'm so all over the place, I switched from this blog to a job app I had started and I hit the submit button. Each job I apply for, I say out loud, "this is my job."

Whatever floats your boat and gets you through.

Yeah.

Ok, I need to get on with it.

My Daily Short:

Much love to you all.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Deep Sleep

Good Morning,

Not the best sleep but at least what I did get, was a straight shot through, which tends to mean, at least when I was still wearing my Fitbit, that I probably got some good deep sleep in.

Deep sleep is key for me.

My tummy not good though. After I’m done with this, I’m going to start cleaning. 

Then job search.

Then shoot videos for the week.

If I still have time, I’ll do bath bombs.

I’m going out to my sister’s tonight to pup sit and in the way back, I’m going to stop at the grocery store as they have a free blood pressure thing. I just have an irksome feeling that my body is over all the years of neglect. Time to shit or get off the pot, man.

I really don’t know how but tomorrow, I really hope to give the cigs, coffee and skin picking up.

Things need to be different this time. I am a master of denial. Like I know the reality but I somehow ignore it anyways.

It’s part of this mental health piece.

I know this sounds awful but I keep going back to this other girl’s page because she’s like a train wreck that you can’t look away from and I think, “Thank God, for me I mean, because a) that could be me and b) it used to be me.”

I wish her peace, I really do.

I’m grateful that I seem to be able to stabilize myself better now. Now it’s just the whole reality thing; finding a place of peace with that and in that.

Lol, ever since I wrote that pooping is like the mental health purge, you know analogy wise, every time I go now, I crack up and think, I’m purging!!!!!

Alrighty, well today and tomorrow will be busy but steady busy, not nuts busy.

Okie, well have a good day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dawn is Breaking

Hey everyone,

Good morning. Dawn is breaking and the birds are chirping.

I felt very at peace yesterday and strong but today…I’m a bit more fragile.

I applied for a ton of jobs yesterday. My attitude is to just get in anywhere for any amount of pay and keep trying to land another good paying job but one without all the stress.

Perhaps if I can find something without the stress, I’ll be in a better place to get a second job.

I’m not backing down on this whole I’m not normal thing. It can’t be an excuse but I’m not built for high stress. I can’t maintain it for long without falling apart.

Wishing I could and wishing I was normal is no longer an option because I’ve wasted so much time and opportunity doing that.

I’m Denise and now I have to find out what that really means and how to navigate it in a world where “normalcy” prevails.

The trees are all budding and it’s going to be a beautiful day.

No matter what I accomplish today, I want to get outside and breath this in, take note of it, be present in it.

As gross as this is; I took a big, healthy #2 today already and it occurred to me that that’s what I’m doing figuratively as well. I’m purging.

People have been calling and if you’re one of them and I didn’t pick up, it’s because I don’t want to get weighed back down by the worry and distress this causes others. 

I will take that on and wear it like comfy pajamas.

Comfy Jammie’s make you sweat if you keep them on for too long, they lull you into sleep and troubled dreams.

And I will become numbed out and disengaged.

I will be overcome with fear and doubt.

I will strive for normalcy again.

And I will fail.

No more of this cycle.

Change is stressful but acceptance is not.

Letting go doesn’t mean stop moving forward, it means doing it differently.

It means staying open and writing the story as it unfolds.

So while today feels heavier, I’m going to move through it.

I wish I would’ve came to this years ago but I’m here now and I simply can’t go on the way I have been.

I’m open. I’m listening and I’m seeing without judgement.

So on I go. Into this day. We shall see what it brings!

I wish you a happy day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie