Fi'dollah Cheeseburgers

 

Hi My Loves,

Wow. Monday came fast.

Every muscle in my body hurts. Every. Single. One.

I’ve been taking the puppy out every hour and a half or so. We did end up with a few accidents last night so I’ll be taking him out every two hours starting tonight. I’ll be tired for awhile but he’s worth it.

So we went out about 9 times yesterday. Some were quick trips and some were a bit longer. He wants to eat virtually everything. I need to get him more chew toys.

Every once in a while, he gets aggressive, it’s a play thing, but he does it pretty hard and I can’t give him mixed messages so even though the little chews are so damn sweet, I can’t let him do it.

I love him already.

It’s my son’s birthday and I got to say Happy Birthday and hug him this morning. What a wonderful thing.

Baker’s Square has $5.00 cheeseburger and fry nights on Monday so we’re gonna go do that when I get home.

I have something for each night until my Aunt gets here.

And I am prepared for little sleep because of the puppy.

You guys, the way he looks at us like he would do anything for us, like he’s just as in love with us as I we are with him.

He loves my son so much and he’s getting to know my daughter today as she is sitting for him while I’m at work.

I want a happy ending here, for all of us, because at this point, we fucking deserve one.

So please, pray for me that I can get the bankruptcy filed and out of the way. Once that occurs, I can start working on my credit again.

Blah blah.

That doesn’t matter right now.

But the bankruptcy does. I’m hoping all my hospital bills are in so I can add them to the bankruptcy.

I just want this money shit over.

I want whatever “next” is.

Again, I’m just so sore from all the walking up and down the stairs and the cleaning yesterday and the walks…apparently I have bones and joints and muscles I didn’t know about.

But it’s all worth it.

Got a list!

Gotta get it done, want to enjoy my Auntie’s visit.

Alright well…thank you for putting energy out for us.

I guess, after work, it’s 1, 2, 3 go!

Have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Puppy, Puppy, Puppy

 Hi and G’day Mates,

Oh my goodness, I have Puppy fever. I am so in love with my son’s dog.

You guys, he is good!!!! We have not had one accident. He poops and pees outside. In all fairness, I bring him out every hour to hour and a half.

Puppy sitting is fun.

And the apartment organization continues.

By this evening, it’ll be completely clean and puppy proofed. 

Then this week, with the relief of having that done, I’ll hit the projects I want to finish.

I think once I finish my room, I’ll go to sleep with him for a bit and then I’ll get up and hit the dining room as my cats need the dining room table to eat on for now.

I’m thinking puppy will be here for a week at most but we’ll adjust of necessary. 

I’ll try and post a short of him soon.

So yeah, too busy and too tired to feel the depression that has coiled itself around me. Today, the grip is not tightening!

Ok, well. Gotta go.

Have a blessed rest of the day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Jumping In

Hi Boo Boo’s,

I woke up feeling good today and I’m jumping right in.

Just did a Target pickup. When I get home, I’m pulling everything out of my car.

Tomorrow, I’m going to get inside this sucks and clean it as best I can. I’m gonna go to one of those car places and vacuum it out too.

It desperately needs to be detailed but that’s not in the budget.

So I’ll do what I can.

It still reeks like smoke and I’m finding that to be a trigger so it’s gotta be cleaned, at least to the best of my ability.

Last night, I gave myself a facial and also waxed my stash…as in mustache. Menopause! Gotta love it. My beautiful Main of hair is dwindling, but it’s coming back in the form of a mustache and a beard. The beard is like the tiniest little goatee, LMAO.

Whatever.

There are so many things in the plan for today in order to get ready to just enjoy next weekend and my aunt’s visit.

I’m excited.

This time of year always surprises me with gifts from the universe, or as I believe, mom and dad. The weather starts to slowly cool down, and I feel magic in the air and I’m just better in the fall.

So there are many things to look forward to.

And I shall share them all either here or on my YouTube channel or both.

Someone on where my friends.

I hope you have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Clearly

 

Good Morning!

Well…I did not feel well at all yesterday. I got home at about 4:30, got into bed and went to sleep. I got up briefly at one point and it was dark out. My daughter had cuddled up to me at one point but then she came in to tell me she’d be at her bestie’s for the night.

And I went back to sleep.

I was in bed for almost 13 hours.

I would say something has to give because what I’m doing?  It’s not working.

Clearly (said in my finest British accent).

We all know this.

I’m not in the mood for Debbie Downer shit today.

Cuz we all know y’girl’s sob story.

You know, with the VisionList for this year, I tentatively put in obtaining 1000 YouTube Subscribers to my list of goals and it’s funny; I don’ treat it with my usual insanity and obsessing and “have to do this attitude.” I just do it most mornings, shoot my shorts. I have been abysmal at shooting long form, but even so…holy shit, I’m over 800. This could actually happen.

I’m so excited to hit 1K because monetary things can begin at that point; nothing that will make a huge difference in the beginning, just the possibility.

I like possibility.

Possible means hope.

God, I do not want to be here today. I need to clean. I always clean the office on Fridays; sweep, mop, clean the women’s bathroom. I do the men’s too but not in to great detail because…ewwww. Provide me a mask and gloves and I’m in.

The women’s bathroom? That’s me and my boss only. Like…she’s clean. I’m good.

Sigh.

But yeah, I’m trying to rock it out at work this morning so I can coast the rest of the day. I’m hyper, that’s not necessarily always a good thing. Not happy, just hyper.

I am trying also to decide if I want to go to my 45^th reunion. There are some I’d like to see and some…yeah, I could care less.

But maybe?

If, somehow, I can dig deep and get a shit-ton done this weekend, then I am going to start on this healing journey…at least the physical part ya know? It’s time.

All’s I really know, is that the way things are, they are not working for me. I’m lethargic, depressed, tired and seemingly uncapable of experiencing joy.

I will experience joy tonight because I am going to drop some things off that I bought for my new grandpup.

And I’ll get to see him.

I still don’t know his name, lol.

Ok, well, on with it as they say.

I hope y’all have a great Friday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Biggest Hair

 

Good Morning!

I want fall. It is not fall. The temps are still in the 80s, which mind you, I will take over 90s and higher any old day but it’s too hot for me.

I feel like I’m on a sinking ship lately. This depression, this being stuck financially, all of it. I can’t seem to come out of it.

And you know, there’s something else. I have written in this blog for years about my poop issues, my IBS.

Look, it has taken on a new life and I try not to write too much about it because same old, same old but it’s affecting my quality of life in a way I’ve never experienced.

I fart almost constantly. They just come out of me. There is literally no controlling it. And it happens at work, when I’m talking to my boss, when I’m helping customers. I just rip ass.

The mornings start out with pain, cramping and full on attacks so I’m vomiting every morning from the pain. And they are the mud bath poops. It takes forever to clean up. I feel dirty all the time.

I worry about being stinky. I carry wipes with me now. I use those first and then I follow up with toilet paper, then I scrub my hands.

It’s depressing.

I knew that quitting smoking would make changes but I thought they’d be for the better.

Once I quit coffee, or at least coffee as I’ve known it for years now, maybe that will help.

Then we have the dreams. So many dreams. I really wish I had my fitbit back or something that tracks sleeping because while I am getting a ton more than I was, this dreaming thing? Also out of control.

Last night, I had a dream about my step-monster. She was wearing a sequined, magenta colored dress and magenta is a color of kindness and compassion…ummmm, yeah, that’s not her. It could be that my subconscious wants me to show more kindness and compassion towards her but I don’t’ know. Maybe she died and I haven’t heard about it yet and that was her way of saying she’s sorry.

The weird thing about her is that she doesn’t rule my life. I no longer have resentments, I just don’t like her and would never be able to trust her. Like, she’s not someone I aim to have in my life.

It could also be symbolic for me needing to show myself more kindness and compassion. I’m lucky to be surrounded by that but it’s true I don’t show myself much.

I never have.

Things are getting a bit fuzzy around the edges at work too. On the one hand, I really do believe that the magnesium L-Threanate is helping me with focus. But I’m tired and I think this magnesium Is part of the issue with the poop situation.

I am however, unwilling to go without sleep again.

So the magnesium remains.

I think maybe instead of trying to jump out of bed every morning at 5 and get my morning routine done, I should just work on getting out of bed at 5. If I just sit there, I just sit there but I can start the whole “morning routine” thing once I’m used to just getting my ass out of bed.

On a completely different note, an ex of mine from my teen years showed up. He was darling. He had the biggest heavy metal hair I’d ever seen at that point. He was so cute. Women loved that guy. We only went out for a short while but we became the best of friends after that.

Fast forward all the years of not seeing each other and we are soooooo different.

His hair is still amazing. It’s steel gray and white and he has tons of it but that face I loved? Huge bags under his eyes, missing teeth.

I stalked his FB page and he and his wife have land and all that and I think he’s probably still doing good, but…we are not the same.

His sister and I are friends on FB and she told me they don’t speak because of their political differences. Nor does he speak to his daughters for the same reason.

I’m sad but he’s not in my life anyways and I can remember the boy I loved. The one who was so much fun and so stupid in the most endearing way and who introduced me to Metallica.

You gotta love a boy whose hair is bigger than yours and still looks good.

Sigh.

I wish we didn’t have to grow up. I do NOT remember discussing politics and hating people for their differences.

We just had fun.

Ok, well my boss is out today. And guess who has little to nothing to do? I’m worried about one of our guys, the one I work the closest with. He’s experiencing that Kaleidoscope vision, I’ve only had that once but he’s had several times and I looked up when it’s an emergency and he meets the criteria.

I hate getting old.

Well now that we’ve got y’all caught up…

Peace.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Marching

 

Oh Man…Good Morning!

Life marches on, does it not

People we used to know go on with their lives and we go on with ours and life marches on.

Until it doesn’t.

Death is a weird, weird thing.

Yesterday, I was perusing FaceBook as I often do and there it was, in black and white.

Shawn is gone.

And we all knew it would come, but when it does, it still blows you away, brings up memories, brings up feelings you weren’t prepared to feel, makes you wish things could’ve been different.

One of my biggest regrets has always been how I treated the people I used drugs with when I was “out there.”

I viewed them as less then. I may have not let myself think that but it’s how I behaved.

They were good enough for me to be around when I wanted to use, they were a means to an end but when I was done, I was done with them too, cast them aside only to pick them up when the urge came upon me again.

I know that in many ways, it was a survival tactic to me. I didn’t want to end up where they were, ya know? I never wanted to be homeless, let alone OK with it.

I never wanted to be filthy and have no access to a shower. I never wanted to go hungry.

And I suppose part of it was an ego thing. Here comes Denise and with her comes money and a willingness to share.

They viewed me as their friend but when I was done, I couldn’t wait to get away from them.

Shawn was, at the time I met him, my daughters’ father’s best friend.

And oh man, the shenanigans I could write about.

In the midst of the pain and chaos my drug use created, there were times that were so fun and so funny.

And that’s what I’m choosing to remember and really the only way I can honor Shawn.

He had his dark side and it was violent and scary and frustrating. It pushed us away from him but he had a funny side too. I can’t tell you all of the stories. But he was hilarious. He was a host, he loved cooking for people and joking and laughing.

I’m glad I knew him, I’m glad he’s a part of my story.

In talking with his sister last night, I found out that he was able to spend some time with my girls’ dad.

Their dad…what can I say? He is no longer homeless but he’s still drinking. I don’t know if he used drugs anymore, it’s been so so long since we’ve had contact and I don’t desire contact. He’s another one that you hope will get his life together but you know he probably won’t. Part of me is surprised that Shawn went before him but…at any rate, I’ll have much to deal with on that front too when he’s gone but um…they spent some time together drinking. And I’m glad they had that, I don’t know why but it does my heart good to know they had some time together.

I feel like that’s right.

One thing about me is that over the years, I have met people with such big pain; trauma, etc.

And I just…now…I try to find the ways in which we are alike as opposed to noticing how we are different and passing judgement. I hold the stories of those willing to tell them.

We are all  these little bright lights and our time here is so brief. We should honor the light I guess.

I’m not saying ignore bad behavior, I’m not saying let people take advantage of you or be cruel, abusive, whatever. No. You have to protect you and yours but just…honor the light that was there, if nothing  else as a potential unmet in this lifetime.

Addiction doesn’t give a shit who you are, if you were born into  money or poverty, it doesn’t care if you’re a nice person or an evil one, it doesn’t give one flying fuck about karma or family curses, it doesn’t care if you have pre-existing mental health issues or not, doesn’t care about your family or loved ones…it’s all powerful.

Shawn, I know you looked out for me more than once. You definitely made me laugh more than once. I will never see someone do the “moonwalk” without thinking about how you did the moonwalk, your take on it so to speak.

So funny.

Rest well. Heal brother.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Defeat

 

Hello There,

Oh my is all I can say. Last night…nightmares. I mean ferocious, horrid, terrifying nightmares. I’d wake up, pet the cats, go back to sleep and the dream was there waiting for me.

It was more like a movie but at the same time, I was in the movie.

Anyways, I’m up, I’m at work and doing the thing…the thing called life.

Weirdly, I want to go home. I mean, It’s this pull. It’s not about not wanting to work, I just want to be home with my daughter.

In the dream, she had been sleeping and didn’t know I was being assaulted by this killer and trying to get away from him and I was afraid she’d wake up and never know that I hadn’t left her willingly. She was still little in the dream.

It’s bizarre how much a dream can affect your psyche.

Ok, well I have 6 hours and 15 minutes left.

The guys in the shop are busy but I’m not that busy.

I’m going to come up with a plan for the steps I need to take in getting my life together.

Quitting smoking is great but there is more to be done.

There is always more to be done.

Food truck fest in Anoka tomorrow.

Something to look forward to.

Not to mention that I love downtown Anoka.

I really don’t feel good today; emotionally or physically but I’m gonna press forward.

I’m going to be a little under budget this week because of my brakes but I’m pretty sure I can make it up elsewhere before rent.

Ight…gots to go.

Things at work just got cray cray but it’s not my problem, I’m just the messenger and I’m waiting on direction for this.

No Defeat.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie