No Coincidences

Hello there,

I started this post yesterday. 

So one of the things I did last week was set up my checking account so no payments could through even if they were 1cents under but somehow my loan payment went through which means a ton of things are going to overdraft.

I want to freak out and I want to numb out somehow.

I want to feel sorry for myself so let’s just do that for a moment and get it over with. Why me? I’m fucking trying here. Is the Universe out to get me? Why can’t this be over? I’ve already acclimated to so much that goes against what I had hoped. Fuck.My.Life.

And now the solution. Suck it up buttercup. Don’t lay down, don’t stop what you’re trying to do today. Before this happened, I saw another cardinal. Believe. Have faith.

But stay firmly planted in reality.

Breath deep. Keep going. I do have some cash so I can get gas and garbage bags.

I need both.

Exercise is free.

Trump isn’t yet charging us for the air we breathe.

Ok. Yeah, keep going even if you have to cry through it.

Ok, now we are at today. I made it through yesterday. Things slowed down quite a bit for me but I did keep going and believe it or not, I did not let that ruin my day.

I got my bathroom and bedroom cleaned. I spent time with my oldest daughter. Those moments, time with my kids, I cherish.

You guys, I slept for 10 hours last night. Yes, I took the hydroxyzine.

But just...wow.

Today I'm gonna shoot for cleaning the rest of the apartment, for getting some food because someone who loves me sent me some $$ for this week.

I'm going to make a call today about getting an co-signer for the bankruptcy payment plan, It's luckily very small with no interest so I am hoping someone will say yes to doing that for me. This has to happen asap so the loan payments stop. I won't be able to pay rent with this.

I'm also going to apply for some more part time jobs.

And maybe dye my hair.

So much gray.

And my gray? Yeah, it's not beautiful.

Something weird happened today. A fellow tenant here where I live approached me about my smoking. He vapes. But he wanted to share how he switched over and how much less it costs...now, I won't go that route. I want to quit. I don't want to trade one expense for another even if it's less but that was very kind of him.

However, we had quite the chat and this guy? He's spooky smart with computers, websites, manufacturing, 3D printing and he told me...if I ever need customized molds for my bathbombs...he can make them for me.

You guys, it would be HUGE to have something that no one else has.

I'm not saying I'm going to jump in and offer him $$ to make something now but there are no coincidences. None.

I keep saying to Dad, show me. Show me this plan you had for me in the dream and I don't look away from anything now because I might miss something.

This is fucking huge.

Also, clearly, Dad was sending a message about smoking too.

I need to calm down though, because my mind is racing...of course my mind is racing; it's what it does.

So chill and let's get on with the day, shall we?

This week, my intentions are to find a co-signer, file the bankruptcy, get some small form of exercise everyday, work on my sleep and get the apartment cleaned and reorganized...again.

I did get rid of one bag of clothes yesterday and my daughter is having a little garage sale so I got some throw pillows to her for that sale...I had so many on my bed, it was ridiculous.

I want less now...I don't need probably 25% of the shit that is here.

Ok, I'm out for the day.

I hope you all have a great one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

What’s In Store

Hi Guys,

Ah! Saturday. I don’t sleep well. I’m ok though. Today will be busy.

Very busy but I have much I want to get done. I can’t change our $$ situation all at once but if I can get all I want to accomplish today done, then I’ll go into my work week ready.

And hopefully, that will include finding a part time job as well. I’m not thrilled about that but it is what it is.

I’m onboard.

In doing all of this today I know how I’ll wake up tomorrow, I know I’ll feel so much better and I’ll feel freed up to go out there and discover what the world has in store for me.

My sister came out yesterday. We had dinner and then she came over here and we watched a movie. My mind is still going, going, going and I struggled to focus on the movie but it was really, really good.

I highly suggest it. It’s called incredibly bright creatures.

Watch it now, thank me later.

Alright, well here we go with this day.

I wish you a brilliant one!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dusk to Dawn

Good Morning!

Friday. I will say this; one thing that is easy to be positive about today is that it’s Friday. When I’m not working, Fridays are hard for me because it’s the day that everybody’s excited about because the weekend is coming. But for me, it was just another day. So I am happy to be happy that it’s Friday.

That’s a great feeling.

I am still continuing to stay in the present because I don’t know, the last month or so, has been this running shit show of the past in my brain. I do have a brain that wants to self sabotage. I do have a brain that feels comfortable in chaos, even though I hate it.

The past is the past and yes, it went by like dusk to dawn.

But it’s gone, the past is gone. So when those thoughts come up, I have been telling myself, no. That is over, that is done. That is not who I am now.

Retraining, my brain to understand that I deserve good things and I deserve peace in my life is very, very difficult.

I really don’t want chaos.

This week was a good learning opportunity for me because I did go back to past patterns. I got home from work and did nothing all week, well, OK I did some things. But not a lot. And I went to bed so early and one thing about this hydroxyzine that I’m taking is that I have slept.

But next week I start at 7:30 in the morning as opposed to 930 and I really need to acclimate myself to being on a schedule. And into making some effort in the evenings.

I can’t sustain going to bed at five or 6 o’clock every night and being in bed for 12 hours.

My sister messaged me yesterday and I asked about her dog. I think I mentioned in a prior blog that she wasn’t doing so well. I honestly was filled with joy when she responded saying that she’s doing very well, meaning her dog. Little chatty girl.

Good news is good news and it’s another thing for me to feel positive about. This dog is just so sweet and I do feel bonded to her in spite of the fact that I don’t see her often.

When I look back over the last couple years, there really has been lost. My son‘s cat Maple, followed shortly by his dog trout. My sister lost her other dog, trickle. And the biggest one of all, being Mom.

But life goes on, doesn’t it? It’s weird being the elder now.

OK, well I think I just need to get through this day and try and do some things tonight and try and have a productive weekend and come up with a loose plan/schedule for next week so that I can start really trying to move forward.

Oh, so I work in a really bad neighborhood and yesterday, I saw a drug deal go down. My boss said that this guy cycles around the area every five weeks or so. He literally pulled up right in front of the window facing the street from my office and I watched the girl in his car get out and go to a car that pulled behind them and I saw the exchange. 

Again, it’s just trusting the process here and I can handle that. I guess in a weird way, it’s another thing to be positive about. At least that’s not me.

OK, well I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Ensuring Failure

Hi Everyone,

Well. Y’girl is just…for the most part I’m still lost in my depression but I continue on.

The job is fine, the $$ is not.

Wah wah wah, sick of talking about $,$,$.

I read this thing last night that said the ecenomic situation is only going to continue to get worse.

That sent me spiraling.

I have to stay off my phone.

I also need to fucking stay up when I get home from work. I was in bed by 6 and didn’t get up until 5. It’s depression, it’s avoidance.

I got on the scale and it was horrible.

I have to stop.

Everything I do and think is geared to ensure my failure.

I have to stop.

I’ve gone to overthinking everything to not to thinking at all.

But I have gotten up for two days in a row and gone to work and that’s a good thing. I’m up today and will go to work and that’s a good thing.

I feel the cats and that’s a good thing.

I’m going to apply for 3 jobs this morning. Two part time and one full.

I’m still looking at full time jobs and will only apply for the fulltime ones I really want, not out of desperation and any part time job will do. 

Just show me the fucking money, ya know?

Alright, well the present dictates that I have shit to do and so I’ll do it and I’ll try and stay up this evening and do something, anything.

The sleeping pills I take are really small but I’m going to get a pill cutter and see if I can cut them in half. I think that will help with the zombie state of things.

On I go. I am grateful as fuck to be working.

So there’s that.

I hope y’all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Paul

Optimism: Huh?

Good Morning,

Holy Hershey squirts Batman, I just keep going this morning. It’s the non gift that keeps on giving.

Man oh man.

So the first day of work went well. I have no complaints. I am in an utter panic about money though. I learned a lot about the benefits, which are good, but at the low amount of pay I’m making, I don’t think I can even sign on for them. It’s unfortunate. And I want to go to that place of this isn’t worth it, why did I take this job, etc. I am not doing that.

I’m working on staying present and all I can do is tell myself that for today we are OK. We have food, we have our apartment, I have gas in the car, you know, we are OK today.

And it is worth it to hang in there for the 90 day probationary period, to see what they might offer me after. I I am much more willing and able to advocate for myself now and so when that period is over, I think I am going to tell her I need more money and that I can’t survive on what they offer. When you think about it, I am doing HR, administrative assistance, and some light accounting. So I think I deserve the pay, if not what I was making at the horrible job, as close to it as possible.

In the meantime, I have to bite my tongue from talking about how much rent is and the economy and all of that because I don’t want her to feel like I’m not grateful for this job.

And let’s talk about gratitude, because I have none right now if you want me to be completely transparent and honest. I know I’m worth more monetary wise. But last week I didn’t have a job and this week I do. That right there is something to be fucking grateful for.

I’ve always been someone who thinks when something changes, life will automatically get better and it doesn’t. That is not being pessimistic, that’s called being realistic. They can get better though, and that is where I find my optimism.

Stay in today, Denise. Just stay in today. 

I went to bed last night around seven, I was just absolutely knocked out. I don’t know how in the hell I’m gonna do a second job, but I have to dig deep and find a way.

I’m very, very scared. This massive depression weighs on me constantly. I’m trying to find my way through it.

So I just have to keep going and believe that like dad said in that dream, there is a plan for me.

I don’t know what that plan is and I don’t know what it looks like, I am only required to have faith that all will be well.

OK, I guess I better get going but I’ll be going in today and I’m going to apply for a couple jobs yet this morning and we will just keep going.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise

So It Begins

Hi Everyone,

Good morning and all that. Oh Wowsa. So my daughter got a prescription for the Hydroxyzine that I used to take to sleep and…it worked. A bit too well I’d say.

I feel like I got a hit by a truck.

But I’m drinking a coffee and I don’t have to be there until 9:30 all week.

So there is time to wake up here but next week, I’m in full swing, having to be in by 7:30 so I may need to rethink this whole Hydroxyzine thing. 

I feel like a zombie.

Wow.

Yesterday was good. I got a lot done. I go it done without a list and a kept a pace where I didn’t overwhelm myself. 

My daughter only worked one shift yesterday so she took me out to dinner for Mother’s Day and then we went for a little walk.

It was a good day.

Someone who shall go I named, texted me to ask if I was ready for work and if I have everything I need. So I was honest and told him I could use some gas and some food as I was down to about $17.00 in my account. I do get paid weekly at this job but it’s probably on Friday’s so I’ve got a good 12 days until I get paid.

He told me to stop by and that lovely human gave me quite a chunk of change.

So the tank is full and I have food for the week.

This was so kind. 

I was able to get the cats some food too. They had literally just run out.

There are no coincidences.

There are some key things I have to do tonight but still not making a list. I know what the priorities are and that’s what I will make happen and if there’s time for the rest, great, if not, then maybe tomorrow morning.

I have to remember not to freak out and to just stay in the present and that’s what will make things start getting better.

Ok.

And it begins. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Comfort Zone

Good Morning!!

Happy Monday!

Ok. Well. Here we are.

I start my new job tomorrow.

I do not have a list for today as I am really trying to move away from that once and for all but I do have some things I want to accomplish.

It’s going to require me getting out of my comfort zone. Let’s be real, anything I do at this point will require me to get out of my comfort zone.

Because I haven’t really pushed myself at all.

I am working on staying present. No more big plans, just do the best I can everyday.

And to stay grateful.

And so…yeah.

I go to spend time with all of my babies yesterday. I went to a movie with my son and then we grabbed some lunch. My youngest got me coffee in the AM. My Rhi came over with a cookie and a gift.

So it was all good.

My youngest works today, but wants to do something special with me when I pick her up from work. So from now until then, everything I do is going to be things that are productive and get me closer to transitioning into this new job and figuring out my life and making it easier.

And for God sake, trying to find some fucking joy. I have been without joy for far too long.

So that’s that and we shall begin.

I hope you have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie