It's All On

 

Happy Sunday,

I'm bummed because yesterday was so beautiful that I literally went for a walk with no coat on. Today, it's gloomy and cold.

Wah!

Basically, all I have to say is this week it's all on. It's all on. STOP is on, GO is on. It's just on.

Because even just working fulltime is gonna be such a change but walking fulltime plus a part time job is gonna be nuts.

I don't think I can ever be fully prepared but there are some things I'll have to do.

Money is gonna be a shitshow as well. At least until I get my first full paycheck.

Gotta check my lotto ticket.

Ha!

K, like I said, that's all I've got for today.

Have a good one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

How I Roll

Good Morning!!

I had a good day yesterday! Most of it took place in the evening as I hung out with my daughter and she cracks me up. Her hubby worked late so we met him for dinner. It was good to laugh.

My boycub called out of the blue a couple days ago on his way home from work so we caught up too. I feel loved.

It’s good to feel loved. Although I work on Thursday do 4 hours, this will be my last week of no work an then it’s all on. I need to be prepared. No more fucking around. 

I’m going to make a full list of my debt today. It’ll end up of course being more due to interest but that’s ok.

One card at a time, one personal debt at a time and then the big kahuna…the loan.

Truth be told, I don't know if I can handle 55 hours a week, but I'm going to at least try. My goal is to do this for a year.

If I really hunker down, I should be able to pay off the credit cards and my personal debts in that amount of time.

Then it would just be the loan remaining.

So much is riding on this. So much.

But I can do one year...and you know, each paycheck will bring me closer to that being over. 

I have not let my former employer know that I have a new job yet. It may seem shitty of me and it weighs on me but at the same time, they weren't even going to let me know that my period of unemployment was going to be extended. I only found out because I hadn't heard from them and reached out...like, hello? Hello? Anyone? Anyone?

I'm going to send out a text on Wednesday of this week, since I start Thursday and it'll just be what it is...

So these next few days...I am just going to try and prepare mentally for everything. I'm going to apply for a part time job today. I'm looking at 15 hours a week.

With the overtime from my day job, I am going to actually be 57.5 hours a week until the slow season. This company does not lay people off however.

Thank God.

And you know, I am grateful for the job I was laid off from. I learned I can handle hard stuff, I learned I can learn, I learned I can do what's required of me. I learned I do not have to give in or give up. I learned how to let go and just let shit fly and still maintain a sense of well being (as good as I can given some of my mental health struggles).

So today, it's going to be well over 70 degrees. What the actual fuck? I think we are in for some wicked shit weather wise this summer...with the drastic temp changes, etc. But one day at a time. I'm closer to home now (new job), so if there are tornado warnings, I'll leave to come get my cats and my daughter if she's not working when warnings go off. 

I will drive through hail and tornadoes to get to my daughter and/or our cats.

That's how I roll.

Speaking of cats, Grey continues to be a conundrum. I don't have the money to find out what's going on with her. I suspect kitty dementia. She has a hard time sitting down now, like making up her mind where she wants to sit and how to sit. She stumbles from time to time. She's eating though and she seems to still want affection, etc.

But if things continue, it may sound cold, but I believe in giving her release as soon as it's clear that she's really struggling, rather than wait until death is eminent. Struggling isn't fair and it's not a good quality of life. It'll kill me to do it but she will be spared the spiral.

I have said all along and I stand by this that if I am diagnosed with something that will ultimately lead to my death but that will prolong the heartache of my family in any kind of drawn out way, while I just sit there and diminish, I won't do that. Fuck that.

I'm out. On my terms.

And the way I envision it is to go out on a freezing cold night when the moon is full, somewhere in the woods but where the moon shines down through the trees, take a handful of mushrooms (yes, magical) and...just die.

I think we should all have the right to die as we choose. As far as I know, I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask to have the issues I've had nor the struggles, I never wanted to cause harm or be irresponsible and I do acknowledge that I wasn't always those things...there's good in Denise too but...my life has been one of a lot of struggle and shame and low self-worth and it's gets tiring.

And because I didn't ask for that bullshit, I think that I should be able to choose the time and means of my death.

That got dark. But the point I'm trying to make is that noone, not even my beloved kitty should be forced to struggle here just because I don't want to let her go until the very last moment. I'd rather live knowing I spared her months of getting worse, then releasing her only when it's clear she's suffering.

This is not happening anytime soon. I am watching and I will know. I've asked her and the Goddesses who oversee cats (Freya and Bast), to show me signs and I've done meditations to open myself up to being able to see those signs.

Now I'm out for the day. I hope you have a good one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Glow

Good Afternoon Lovies,

I apologize for no blog yesterday. I actually meant to blog but time management has been an issue.

Not so today but I’m pushing myself with breaks. I found a new show to binge watch, shame. But it’s about makeup artists!!!! It’s called Glow and it’s like Project Runway, only make up; glam, special effects, you name it. I love it so much it makes me feel high watching it. 

So, today is Day 4 of 10 cigs a day. Day 1 was only 6 cigs, Day 2, I believe was 10, yesterday was 8. So far today, I’ve had 4. Not bad for 2:23PM.

The biggest struggle with that is pushing myself in between smokes, like I don't want to go anywhere because driving without smoking is hard but I did push through that.

By not giving in, and smoking more, I’m really realizing how easily my self talk, in the form of convincing myself it’s ok to give in, takes over. It’s been trying these past 4 days, believe me.

But even though I’m having plenty of couch potato time today, I’ve also run 4 different errands. 

I’m falling asleep. My dream is to find a cure for afternoon crashes.

The cure would be going back in time and being 16 again I suppose.

It’s weird because I’ve been keeping the apartment clean so my usual go to hasn’t been available to me.

Anyways, I’m ok, just tired, trying to prepare myself with what’s coming.

Have a good rest of the day!

Be blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Plastics

Good Morning!

Well, a fairly sleepless night, but that is part of the course isn’t it? Pumpkin was with me most of the night. As we’ve all established by now, this gives me a great deal of comfort. Grey slept out on the couch, which is not like her.

But she did eat this morning so that’s good.

I watched another documentary on micro plastics, and plastic in general yesterday. It’s interesting to me, because after the documentary was over, I started looking at all the things I buy that are made of plastic. My toothbrush, the containers for toothpaste, my brush, containers for cleaning supplies and food. It’s pervasive.

They had people, like four different couples, who are infertile for no distinguishable reason, be a part of this three month study. They changed everything and they measured the men’s sperm count. At the end of the study, all of the sperm counts, went up, and three of the couples had viable pregnancies that led to birth.

Birth rates have gone down all over the world and it’s interesting because it does coincide with the massive production of plastic and it’s used and almost everything.

This study was based on what it does to the human body and not the environment.

It got me going down the whole rabbit hole of everything. You know, all these supplements that are supposed to detox, your liver, and help you sleep and slow down the aging process and blah blah blah. I buy into that the same way I buy into all the political bullshit.

People will believe anything if it aligns with what they wanted to align with.

If the best I can do, is cut out as many plastics as possible and take a daily supplement and try to eat healthier, that’s huge. I don’t need to spend $160 on a protein powder every month and another 60 on a liver detox drink and yet another 100 on a sleep aid.

In studies, it has also been shown that certain kinds of plastic cause weight gain and at least one of the participants in this show last 12 pounds in 12 months just by cutting back on plastics. People slept better. It truly is pervasive.

I was really inspired in the show because there was a woman down in Louisiana, who fought this huge plastic plant going up. It was in a very poor area, meaning financially, poor, and a ton of her friends and acquaintances had died of cancer. Of course, the Senator of the state was saying how great this was gonna be for employment rates and blah blah blah. But this woman fought it and she won. 

Anyways, I’m not just gonna jump into this. I can’t replace everything I have. But I am going to start replacing things with glass and ceramic, bamboo, all of that, and once I get the household stuff done, I am going to have to start going into the actual grocery store and not ordering for pick up so that I can bring my own bags in. There are bags Made of natural materials that mimic plastic and breakdown, but you can’t just throw them in the garbage because they need to be in dirt in order to break down and if they go into a regular waste environment, they are surrounded by plastics and don’t get the chance to breakdown.

But I think it’s important that all of us have one thing that we try to do for ourselves and for the greater good and I’d like to see if this makes any kind of change.

Mental health disorders, such as autism and ADHD have gone through the roof as well and while there’s no definitive proof that plastics is the reason for this, it does coincide with plastics being used for everything.

And they did go on to say that it’s not plastic itself, like there’s other ways to make plastic, it’s the way we make it now and the chemicals involved, and it would take a lot of work and change, but it can be done differently and it can be done better.

So there’s my blog for today. Plastics.

I am trying to fast and I have to do a quick clean because I didn’t do all of it yesterday and they’re inspecting the apartment today. Then I am meeting a friend for coffee.

I’m tired. I only smoked six cigarettes yesterday, but I have already had three this morning which leaves me with seven for the day.

I HAVE to stick to this. I have to prove to myself that I can do this.

OK, on with it we go.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Happy St. Patrick's Day To You

Hi There!!

Happy St. Patty’s to you.

If I could go back in time, a whopping 58 years to be exact, today would be the day I got baptized. 

Contrary to what some might believe, my flesh did not burn when the holy water hit, lol!

At any rate, I slept last night. 

I did a burning. I wrote out all the things I need to let go of and all the things I just need to "STOP" doing and I burned it in my cauldron with about 20 "butts" of palo santo wood that I use in my daily meditation. Palo Santo burns itself out and then smokes for those not in the know. It's a little bit like sage but it actually a wood and smells better in my opinion.

The thing is, when you light it, it's on fire and you have to blow the fire out in order for the smoke to come through.

So when I get to the end of a stick, I'll basically burn my fingers if I try to light it so instead, I save these and last night, we had a great burning, right smack dab in the middle of my living room. 

I'm kind of shocked the fire alarms didn't go off. I opened the balcony door and I put the oven fan on. 

And someone knocked on my door at about midnight, woke me up, but I didn't answer.

Mind your own damn business.

I feel like it was a cleanse in that I evacuated a lot after I did this ritual and I felt sick but then I slept like a dream.

Pumpkin came in as she does early morning most days and I wish I could explain how precious she is. Usually, she wants pets and if I put my hand in a vulnerable position as I pet her, she attacks; grabs my hand, does the hind paw thing and bites. I end up with scratches. She's not trying to be mean, she just wants to play but this morning...I mean, call me a sentimental ass, but I hope I remember this morning forever. She came in and plopped down by my face and I was petting her and then she did grab for my hand but she held it in both paws and proceeded to give it a bath. Then, she moved from laying on her side, to laying on her stomach and she draped both front legs over my forearm and she took the skin from my arm in her teeth and was gently pulling. She doesn't break the skin when she does this, it's very gentle. 

It was about 45 minutes of just loving each other. I tell her every morning how much she means to me and how grateful I am to have her in my life.

My Grey...it's breaking me. In some respects, she's still just Grey. But she struggles with some things and seems to have bad days and good days. She's crabbier and I wonder if she's in pain. She's unsteady on her feet when she jumps and I oftentimes help her now.

My biggest thing with her is pain. If she's in pain, I will never be one of those people who hang on too long, out of my selfish desire to keep her with me. I've seen that before and it's so unfair.

So I watch and I just love her.

She has always gone ballistic when I make the bed but yesterday, it really stressed her out. She was hissing and growling and just pissed off about the whole thing.

I have been so damn all over the place with the smoking and you know, I thought about it this morning and because I am having such a hard time with everything, I have to look at this as a process and make a decision about it and then stick to it, whatever the plan is.

I don't think I have it in me to go cold turkey, so for the next week, I am going down to half a pack. I've had days where I only smoked one or two but those are hard days for me. I think I can handle 10. If I'm under that, great, but I still have the option of 10. And if I do go under that, like say I smoke 9, it's still 10 the next day. There's no hoarding them so I can go off the rails and binge smoke.

Today, I have to clean a bit, not a full on clean, but a bit, because we are having inspections tomorrow.  I also have to get litter and clean out the boxes so they are fresh.

I won't be here when they come and we have 3 cats. We are only allowed to have two so I hope Mocha does what she usually does, which is to hide. They will be going into both bedrooms and bathrooms so I am going to have make sure both of them are clean as well.

So just cleaning today and trying to get in some exercise, smoke 10 cigs, bathe, and eat but not overeat. That's another STOP thing, just stop overeating or binge eating.

BOOM.

Alright, well, I hope you all have a great day.

May the wind at your back, never be your own.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Whatever I Have To

Good Morning!

Well how are all of you today? I hope this freezing cold Monday finds you well. At least it’s freezing where I am and it’s been a minute since temps were this low so I’m feeling kind of like having a temper tantrum about it.

Yesterday was a wash but I already knew it would be. Last night, I went to bed around eleven and woke up around 3 or so. I started to go down the rabbit hole of watching shit on my phone and I managed to finally put it down and I just laid there, breathing deeply.

I went back to sleep and slept until about 7:30. So that’s good.

I have to force myself to move on with the day as planned. I usually don’t if I get up later than planned. I also need to come up with a plan for this job on the nights I don’t get enough sleep because it’s gonna be a problem if I don’t.

The bottom line is that missing work is not an option. Fever and/or puking is the only allowable reason and I hardly ever get fevers or wake up puking so there you have it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my now impending move. I looked up apartments and little apartment units within houses, etc and while anything I do is going to cost more for awhile, I am happy that they are not as expensive as I thought they’d be.

As far as non-negotiables, I just want to have enough space to move around in comfortably and I want to feel safe.

I am going to make bathbombs today. I need quite a bit more than usual to be ok until my first full paycheck because my unemployment will stop soon.

I’ll do whatever I have to.

Except be a ho. First off, I just couldn’t do that and second, no one wants this old bod anyways. So no ho fo me.

Alright, well on with it as they say.

I’m not gonna film a short until later.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Non-Negotiables

Good Morning!

Hmmm, so yesterday went places I didn’t anticipate.

Change of plans.

I will be moving out on my own come end of August. I’m giving myself until then to try and pay off my credit cards because I won’t be able to afford living on my own if I don’t.

I’m unwilling to get a roommate. I have too many non-negotiables. 

I stated looking just to see what I’m looking at and yeah, gonna have to have the cards all paid off. It means it’ll take me longer to pay off my personal debts but luckily, those debts are to individuals who will work with me as long as I’m making an effort.

I have to remember a couple things here: one is acceptance of what is, one is that other miracles can occur at anytime; just like the rug can be pulled out from you at anytime time, so too can a new rug be placed beneath you.

I’m a survivor and this is not the end of the world.

I did not sleep last night. Much of my night was spent with Pumpkin, who is very tuned in to the emotions of others and she licked my snot as I cried and my tears. Turns out she likes snot, lol.

Little one.

I’m going to make myself Momma’s quiche, because I can, watch TV and take a long ass nap.

And so I wish all of you a warm, safe day. It’s definitely a stay and inside and snuggle up in a blankee kind of day. Blizzard here in MN.

Stay warm.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie