Can’t Do It

Ok, ok.

It’s hard for me not to write out all the shit that goes through my head.

Yes, part of me does wish I would just have a massive heart attack and die.

Let’s just put that out there. 

Because there is no end in sight.

And I can’t go on like this. This constant torrential pouring down of shit. One thing after another.

How do you get through it? Especially with solutions when there don’t seem to be any?

I feel like I can only take so much.

I’m wanting to quit this job. I’m wanting to pack up my Grey and just go, leave everything else behind.

But where? I have 800 dollars to my name and that goes for rent. I’m behind on the electric bill too so…

I’ve been running the air a lot because I’m so sensitive to the heat and we’ve got a week of this shit ahead of us.

Being overweight again doesn’t help with that.

I’m so uncomfortable.

The puppy was so heartfelt and welcome but this is so hard. At least when you have a baby, they can’t go anywhere and they only poop in their diaper, not all over.

I got in way over my head with this and I feel like such a failure.

Then there’s me; my weight, the IBS. I joke about poop all the time but it’s taking a toll. I feel dirty all the time. And yes, I’ve tried so many different things to see if anything will help and the only thing that does, is not eating at all.

And I think because of all the stress, my cortisol levels must be through the roof because I’ve developed this B.O., it’s a bad smell. It’s not always here but if I don’t shower twice a day, you can smell it. I don’t like this.

My clothes don’t fit. I feel so ugly. 

You have no idea how this self loathing feels to carry.

The cats are so upset about the puppy, we are so out of whack.

You guys, there is nothing to look forwards to for me. That spark is just gone. I am a boring, sad, fat, frumpy ugster. If this is going to be my life, I want out.

I just want out.

I know it’s scary to read this but think of it this way; if I had cancer and was suffering and I chose to end it, you all would understand but I am in pain, it’s just a different kind. And I fear it’s terminal. There is nothing joy. There is no hope.

Hang in there is not a good thing to say to me right now. Hang in there until what? I lose everything? These problems aren’t going away.

You have to understand too that I believe there is something beautiful beyond all this.

And if I’m wrong and there’s nothing…at least all this struggle ends.

Someone said to my daughter the other night that no one seems to be taking something seriously. Understand that no one takes seriously the depths that I’ve sunk to either. I don’t know if I can make it back up to breathe anymore. I might’ve sunk to far.

You see, it’s not just one thing, it’s many, many things.

I have nothing left in me.

Nothing.

I want Mom and Dad. If there really is something after this, and they are there, I just want to be with them.

I feel nothing good. I feel empty but full of just failure and grief too.

Mental health shit is real. It’s real and it’s hard but when you add to that a life that keeps throwing shit at you, well that’s hard too.

I think I’m going to clean my apartment and start throwing all the supplies for my products away. 

It’s never going to happen. Good things happen to me but never lasting things. Less for my family to have to do.

You all have to trust that relief looks different for everyone.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better. Maybe not.

But I do know I can’t sit here on my stupid phone all day wondering how I’ll get to work tomorrow.

If I can’t get there tomorrow, I’ll quit. My boss doesn’t deserve this either.

So…I mean that’s my truth and that’s where I’m at.

I won’t post this one on my page. To many people will freak out.

No End

Hey All,

I could sleep and sleeep and sleep. I HATE waking up. I have no Transportation so I couldn’t go into work today. Another missed day of pay. Wow. Because that’s what I need.

The bill collectors will start calling in an hour. I’m already in tears. I wish I could be strong and I wish there were answers, but I feel that there are none.

If things would stop getting worse, I could believe that they could get better, but it’s one thing after another and I’m beat by this, I can’t go on.

Not like this.

My Auntie was here this weekend and I love her so much and I’m so glad she came. I just feel bad because I really had nothing in me, I kinda know where this is gonna end up with me, this whole thing. I just can’t do it anymore you guys I can’t.

I am despondent over the puppy, but I’m at peace with the decision. He’s here for two more days and I have to figure out how to get him way out to the rescue, which is in Buffalo, Minnesota.

When I got out of bed to go to the bathroom this morning, I looked at my legs and they are covered in bruises. Those must come from the puppy, right? He’s a  biter.

I have nothing. Absolutely nothing positive to say here. I have no solution.

Well I do but there is no one who could possibly do that for me.

I’m gonna check out and try to get through yet another horrific day.

Be at peace and be blessed my friends,

Neecie

Donkey C*ck

Sunday.

I’m having a really hard time holding on.

I have slowly been losing the ability to do much of anything. I feel confused by life in a way I never did. It’s like there’s so much to constantly do and every step forward I make, the Universe pulls me back and hits me with more.

My car died.

I had to finally admit I can’t keep the puppy. I’m sick about it. I want to die. I hope he is as loved by someone else as he is by me. 

I admitted to my bestie this morning that I cry every morning when I realize I didn’t die while I slept. I go to bed asking the Gods, The Universe or whatever to take me.

My dreams will never come true. I’m fat, old and ugly. My nose has changed and it makes me look bizarre. I dress like a frump. I can’t get my hair done.

I can’t even afford to pay an attorney for bankruptcy so I can stop the 75+ calls a day from debtors.

I want to change. I want to show myself and others what I can do but there is no motivation or hope anymore.

I hate summer and it just won’t go away. 80s all week, sometimes close to the 90s. I can’t do it.

I want to be with Mom and Dad.

There are good things here but they are not things that need me. 

I have nothing, no energy, no hope. I’m tired all the time.

This is not a cry for help. I don’t want help. I want out.

I do believe in God, just not the way some do. I’m frustrated and hurt by “God” at this time but I believe what I believe and I think there’s release and live and an understanding we can’t begin to achieve here.

I will never get to warn or achieve the things most people take for granted; success, a home…a puppy. 

My kids think they need me but they do t. I’m a burden. I’m a Debbie Downer.

I’m no use to anyone or anything anymore.

I just want to go to where we go when this ends. This place sucks and I hate it.

I love my people and my animals but the rest of sucks big, hairy donkey cock. 

Lucky donkey.

The puppy is snoring and has been cuddled up to me for hours. I am not worthy of him or deserving of this adoration. It wouldn’t be like this if I was.

I’m just writing this because I want people to know, when I get this all figured out, that’s it’s not their fault. It’s something bigger than me that I can’t fully understand.

I just can’t even fully understand.

Be Blessed y’all.

D

Alone & Fat

Good Morning!!

It’s raining and shitty out.

My Aunt arrived safely and she and my sister hung out last night. 

I got in my cups. 

I’m so unhappy. Sometimes I wonder if I ever was happy and if I’ll ever be happy.

I love this puppy so much, it’s just the responsibility overwhelming. But he’s laying next to me now, conked out and I have to believe I’ve done something good, that all of this will work out. That my life will work out.

If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I really hope I don’t have to come back, not if it’s gonna be more of the same shit. 

I’m sinking. I feel like I’ve been hanging on for dear life for a long time and I’m slowly losing my grip. And what am I holding onto? Because it’s all so hard.

I feel like the only way out is the permanent way out because I have a hard time believing life will ever be anything other than kaka.

I’m grateful for my family and my friends, I’m grateful for my kitties and this little puppy.

But I’m just so sad all the time. Alone, fat and sad.

I wake up in the morning and all I look forward to is when I can go to bed again.

It is what it is. I’m committed to remaining north of the earth today.

And eventually, it’ll be time for bed again.

Yay.

I do however hope you have a good day Dear Reader.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I Had To

 

For the Love of Any and All Things Holy,

It’s Friday!!

The wild rumpus is about to begin and I guess I can either whine about it or get onboard. Onboard is better.

I got some of the apartment cleaned up last night but I am going on pure adrenaline at this point and no real energy.

I’m exhausted.

But.

I am excited to see my Auntie.

And while I work all week next week, I have the following Monday off. We all do.

Thank YOU!!

The city turned off the water here for a street project and I have to poop.

I pooped. I had to.

Luckily, the toilet is flushing and also I could wash my hands.

There is a guy at work who is something else (no names). He’s a nice person but the most negative person I’ve ever met. I don’t say that lightly cuz I’ve meet some negative nellie’s in my life but he takes the cake.

He comes into my office every morning and goes on and on and on about my boss, about the way she runs things, about the liberals, about EVERYTHING.

Yesterday, my boss bought everyone Chipotle. He complained to me about how she got Chipotle and she should’ve gotten burgers but I guarantee you, had she gotten burgers, he would’ve bitched about the kind she got.

How about some gratitude?

I’m super nervous. The puppy will be alone today. He’ll be in the crate and he barks like a champ. I need to get the necessary paperwork for him so my apartment knows he’s here.

He was super naughty last night. SO naughty.

I’m so tired.

Whatever, no regrets because when he kisses me and looks at me with love and falls asleep in my lap, all is forgiven.

Alright, well, Friday is my day to clean the offices.

Since the water is working, here we go. One of the front office guys is leaving early today so my boss probably won’t let me go early but I’m going to try.

I’m so nervous about the puppy. I want to get a fence so he can travel the bedroom if he gets out of the crate.

There’s a lot to do with this dude.

I can have him registered as a emotional support dog but it’s expensive.

I just need a minute to breath, ya know?

OK bye.

Have a great Friday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Uh...Don't Ask Me

 

Good Morning,

I’m not sure if it is or not, lol.

The puppy and I went to bed at a bit after 10 and he slept until 4:45.

He has a name and I’ll explain all that shortly.

Why name a puppy we aren’t keeping? I guess because we’re keeping him and if you happened to see my post yesterday before I took it down, I was angry yesterday.

The Universe does some fucked up shit.

While much of my life is my fault, my own choices, etc., the Universe does not make it easier.

Sometimes I feel like I live in a simulation. That there are aliens who created a computer program and we are it and most of us are filler content that has a basic recipe and I fit into that.

And it’s programmed to just throw shit at “characters” like me every so often, unless the writer of the content decides to do something special.

I already know that some people are going to be so frustrated with me but I…the abandonment issues I have are so deep seated in me. As a result, I can’t abandon people or animals because then I feel that I’m evil and that I’m causing harm to innocents just like the harm that was done to me. I don’t say us because my sister has her own journey, perceptions, feelings about our childhood and she doesn’t have the same mental health stuff. I just can’t presume to speak for her and I bring that up because I refer to “me” and that may sound self-centered; it’s not meant to be. It’s meant to be respectful to her.

Ok, so anyways, my shit continues to affect me, even if it has gotten much better.

And I can’t give that puppy up, no matter how poor I am, when he looks up at me with so much love. You can read it right there in his eyes.

I’m fucking bawling at my desk just thinking about it.

I don’t have what it takes to walk away and while people may look at me and say, “How could she do this”, I’m thinking, “How could someone not do this.”

And so.

I have a dog.

Be careful what you ask for. This fucked up Universe provides but often times, if not always, it does it in a way we could not have conceived of.

I take things like death very hard too. We all do right? But it affects me right down to the center of my soul and makes me think all of the things; which I could go into and will sometime but not now. It’s so many feelings all at once and I’ve had some personal losses recently and of course, the public ones which are devastating in a different way and just the heaviness of them affect me even if I didn’t know these people; Hayden Panittiere, Dolly Parton, Tim Curry.

I feel these things deeper and it has nothing to do with being a deeper person than most, it’s my borderline personality disorder. I just feel things bigger.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like not to feel things the way I do, to be able to detach and be cold.

To be able to make the non-emotional decisions.

Anyways, I am not going to write about how everything is going to change as a result of the puppy and this is my wakeup call.

This is what it is. I have a puppy and I’ll step up or I won’t.

If I tell you that my heart finally stopped racing once I made the decision to keep him, that my anxiety lessoned and that I am no longer shitting diarrhea out of my ass every 20 minutes or so, well then take that as you will.

When my mom was changing, when she still was living on her own but I was going over to her condo everyday to oversee her meds and to get her fed, I was working as a beauty consultant at Walgreen’s and this woman…I’ve never forgotten her, walked right up to me and hugged me and she said, “God told me you have deep hurt and that you need a hug.”

It’s shit like that, that makes me think maybe this isn’t some fucked up simulation after all.

Anyways, I’m leaving work early today and I’m going home to get my apartment done.

The stress of all this has me smoking again and I can’t do that so that’s done again, as of tonight.

Stress and sorrow and anxiety…I just have never mastered how to juggle all of them, thus the smoking.

But no more.

It literally is not even an option.

Bye.

So with no further words, his name is:

Frodo Frenchie Axel Johnson.

Frodo…because I love Lord of the Rings, I love Frodo and his gentle, yet determined demeanor, his love for family and friends and his loyalty.

Frenchie…my son suggested it because I’ve always wanted a Frenchie. This puppy isn’t a Frenchie but he’s my boy and I’m grateful. Axel is a family name; we have ancestors with the name, my son and my nephew’s middle names are Axel and some of our animals have had that tied in as well.

Johnson is obviously self-explanatory.

So just know this. If you read this entry and find yourself doubting me, frustrated with me, disbelieving my choice to willingly add more chaos, just know I am feeling those things too.

I have answers and I have no words.

Just sadness and love.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wishing I Could Go Home

 

Good Morning,

How is everyone doing? I hope you are all well.

I am devastated.

By everything.

The puppy is going back today. I would do anything to be able to keep him for myself. He’s coming along in his potty training and he does have diarrhea but oh my God, he sleeps all curled up in my neck.

But it’s the right thing to do given my circumstances. And I understand why my boy can’t keep him. He’s being realistic and I applaud that.

But it all hurts so much.

So very much.

I don’t know how much more I can take. I stopped breathing on the way to work again.

I almost didn’t come in today but I can’t do that either.

My daughter is texting, she wants to keep him too. She’s offering to get a second job.

I told her to ask for one more day…

How quickly I’ve gotten used to having him in my arms at night.

Obedience training is $350.00 for 3 different courses, beginning through advanced. I mean…maybe? If we could get him through our lease, I would then be able to get the hell out of these apartments.

I am really trying to come to terms with what’s practical vs. what’s best for the puppy and for us and what’s best could be argued either way.

There’s so much I don’t know. How often do we get their nails clipped? How do I socialize him? Tick medicine? Vet checks? He’s not done with his shots yet.

I know I wasn’t ready for this. I’ve known for years that I want a puppy, a dog but I also knew I wasn’t ready. It was not in the immediate plan.

There is so much going on beyond the puppy.

I’m sad. I’m overwhelmed. I’m worried.

There is a lot going on.

I got my nails done finally and my wounds are all healing but there is one of my leg that needs to be reopened as there are these…I don’t know how to explain them. They are hardened balls inside the wound, just underneath the scab that are created by all the medicine and lotion I put on. I have to pull them out as they could cause infection down the road.

Of all the anxiety/OCD disorders I could get, why dermatillomania? I’ll take care of it tonight. I’m going to need needles to do it as the nails prevent me from doing it on my own with my fingers.

Which is exactly what they are supposed to do but still gotta get these things out.

I do NOT want to be here today.

I’m afraid of going home to no puppy.

How can you fall in love so quickly?

I don’t know…I didn’t ask for this on top of all the other hell we have had to deal with. Falling in love, albeit with a puppy, was not in the cards.

I don’t want him to feel abandoned. I know he loves us too; so trusting and such a menace in the best way.

Maybe I will go home today. We’ll see.

Some of this may seem cryptic and some of you may be wondering…what the hell has happened? What exactly is going on? Not my story to tell.

This blog comes with the internal agreement that it’s all about me. I may write about who I hang out with and what we do and some non-invasive info but this is about me.

It’s supposed to be about progress and forward movement but it seems instead to be…

Whatever it is I guess.

Gotta go. There’s nothing to do here, I’m all caught up. But…7 hours until I’m out of here.

Sigh.

I hope you all have a good day.

I hope you’re all happy.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie