Wonky Ass

Well Hello,

I know not why some days like yesterday, I lay about like a slug or a bug in a rug and days like today, I get the fuck up and do the thing.

Best only to question it when I’m in slug mode lest I digress back into it when I’m in go mode.

I hate my fucking job.

K.

Now that I’ve got that established, shall we move past?

I’m hitting it hard this morning. Showered, curled my hair for my videos, went to Targetvfor some groceries, got gas. 

About to put some makeup on and shoot those damn videos and then hopefully have time to rollerskate, but if not, I will drop my daughter off at work, then go back and rollerskate and then I will stop by my roommate’s place and say good morning or hello or whatever if he’s not working and then I will go out to my sisters.

I can’t stay there all day because I need to come back and do food prep and I do need a little downtime and preparing for my day and my week.

I need to get into bed on time as I am really shooting for consistency with my morning routine and as far as my evening routine, I’m kind of like fuck that for now except getting into bed on time.

Emotionally I have been all over the place. I have had some wonky ass dreams and I think I wrote earlier about the fact that I’m having dreams about people from my past. It’s like I’m revisiting my life in a way. It’s mainly the big players who are no longer in my life that I’m dreaming about.

Two of the people who I feel really bad about, I have already made amends too, and they want nothing to do with me and I’m at peace with that. Two of the people I dreamt about the night before last, I could care less about.

There are some people who I may be knew or met once, or I knew them for a summer, I was always meeting new people. I will never see those people again, I don’t even remember their names. So I just try to send out love and light to them.

Dwelling on the past, especially mistakes and things we have regrets about, does no good. As much as I think about it, sometimes, I know we can’t go back, but even if we could, who knows how things would end up if I was able to change them. For real, who knows? Maybe I wouldn’t have my children, maybe I’d be dead, maybe I wouldn’t have had some of the beautiful experiences I’ve had in my life. 

Acceptance is a big part of living free. I’m not gonna lie, I hate the way my life is right now.

I don’t care what anyone says, and I don’t care how most people are. I am someone who struggles with the box. The box is slavery to me.

I am trying to acclimate because I guess that’s what we’re supposed to do. But it crushes me and it always will.

And that is why I write this blog, why I shoot videos, why I still hold onto the dream of Willow’s whimsy in whatever form it turns out being. I want to be the author of my life, not what society says I should fucking do.

But I also really do want to be self-sufficient and bring joy instead of worry to the people I love.

I don’t think they worry about the whole drug abuse thing anymore, but they worry about me in general and just how I am. I do know that living the life I wanna live does not mean that others take care of me financially.

I go down so many rabbit holes.

So I’m gonna go now and get my shit done and shoot my videos and see if I have time to rollerskate.

I sure hope I do.

I’ll be back, I always am. Unless, you know, for some reason I drop dead. 

Let’s hope that doesn’t happen today.

I hope you have a great Sunday.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Lesson Learned

Oh Man! Happy Saturday!

To not have to go into that place. Sadly, I didn’t sleep well but I’m not going to let that ruin my day.

You guys. I came home last night and cleaned the entire apartment. To wake up and not have to worry about that today is…it’s amazing.

So it’s a perfect day to stay inside and get stuff done. It’s cold out. It’s going to be cold out tomorrow too.

Tomorrow, I am going rollerskating, then stopping by my former roomie’s place for a visit and then I’m gonna go out to my sister’s.

I think I am definitely going to need more sleep. This is my fault, I drank a coffee way too late.

Lesson learned. I mean, I’ve learned it already but now I’m going to resist.

Not if I want my Saturdays to be productive.

The first thing to do is to accept that I have to go back to sleep. I’ll set my alarm.

Then it’s on.

I’m not going on a list today but I know what I want to do.

Ok, time to lay down.

I hope you all enjoy your day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Fight

Good Morning!

It’s Friday. I get out early. Yay. 

Yesterday was the day from hell. First, I ran out of my medication, it’s just an OTC but I’ve been too lazy to pick some up and it’s for acid reflux. I was in so much pain by about 10AM and I started dry heaving. I really haven’t eaten all that much in the last few days and so there was nothing to throw up. 

It was horrible. I’d get a wave of nausea and try to puke something up but to no avail. I sounded like a cat when they’re trying to get up a hairball.

Anyways, they informed me yesterday that I am to do 3-5 hours a day of cold calling.

I was literally told in the interview that there would be no cold calling. And it does not make sense, you have to understand how they are honest about scheduling and we’re only supposed to schedule for a week out at a time and we are full. Today I go in knowing that we have just a few openings for next week and they’re gonna be upset if we fill them but we fill them 50 miles away from each other. It doesn’t work like that, we cannot control who calls in and where they live.

I may sound like a complete and total whiner, but I did this for about a half hour yesterday and luckily people kept calling in and we kept getting other leads and those are our priorities so I didn’t have to do too much of it but they tell us to call them and basically lie and say we’re doing a follow up to the request you made last summer and they did not make a request last summer. My boss claims that these are from previous lists, but the person could’ve inquired 10 years ago. There was only one person who is willing to talk to me and he did schedule an appointment, but the rest of them called me a liar, One called me a Cunt and told me I’m ruining his life.

I know, don’t take it personally, but when it’s over and over and over and this is not something I ever wanted to do and quite frankly would not have taken the job if they had told me I’d be doing it, I feel like I’m trapped in hell.

I did sleep last night. I have no idea for how long but I went to bed probably around 10 at the latest and woke up around 2:30, was up for an hour and slept till six. I do think the magnesium glycinate is helping. So that’s good. We will see if that continues.

But my daughter made us dinner and I ate a little bit and I had gotten my medication so now I feel better from that but at the time, I couldn’t eat yet.

I’m feeling a lot of things and I don’t wanna write them down because it’s just so dramatic. I do still suffer from big feelings about things, I’m just able to usually put them in perspective, but this job has thrown me for a loop and I will go so far as to say I feel I’m being punished.

I’m OK with not liking a job. But it shouldn’t be torture. I’m going to go under at the bank because I only got paid for the one week so far and I don’t get another paycheck for another week.

Very close to being on a budget and being able to stick to it and I am trying so hard to focus on that.

This weekend, I will be applying for jobs like crazy. The one thing I know now, because I found another job similar to the one I’m in, except that I would not be making phone calls at all, I would be in office manager. But I learned that I have to ask questions and I’m going to and if I don’t get hired because of it, that’s fine.

I’ve been sitting on something and it’s jealousy. It’s ugly. But on our website, we have pictures of jobs we’ve done and there’s this one house that I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s not a house, it’s not even a mansion, it’s an estate and it is fucking gorgeous. And so I said to my immediate boss, oh my God that house on the website and she asked me if it was the one with the rolling Hills and I said yes, and she said that’s our owner‘s house.

The weird one, the one who hasn’t even introduced himself to me and goes running and won’t let his calendar be on the schedule, the one we have to do a special kind of appointment setting for.

And all I can think of is Donald Trump. And how he wants us all to be slaves, and I feel like I’m a slave so this guy can live that kind of life, a life I will never have or understand.

It’s really hard right now. I’m in a dark place.

For my mental health sake, I have to get the fuck out of there. It’s not like me to fight, not actively. I’ll keep going and I’ll keep doing whatever and then I’ll fall apart. I don’t want that to happen so I have to actively fight to get the fuck out of there.

All right, well I better go, or I’ll be late to work. I’m hoping that if my sleep can regulate itself enough for me not to wake up and to get a good six hours straight in, then I’ll be able to get up early again.

I hope that all of you have a good day. Everyone deserves a good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise

Chelated

 Hi Everyone,

Isn't that little baby in the picture so sweet? Not me, the pup. That's my sister's dog. Her name is Chatty and she is such a dear little girl.

We like each other. We love each other. 

My family gets so lucky with their animals. No matter what, there will always be animals in my life.

So...I got some sleep. I woke up at around 3:30 and didn't go back to sleep but before that, it was pretty good.

I didn't put my fitbit back on because it was pissing me off so much. 

But I think I got some sleep. I wasn't very wakeful that I can recall.

I feel tired but...I feel ok too.

This job is kicking my ass.

I did apply for a MN State job.

I keep telling myself, that's my job but I haven't heard back. I think it's still open until the 20th so I don't expect to hear until then.

The whole job search thing would be so much easier if I could just get some damn good sleep.

Oh! I read that most magnesium doesn't work for sleep because it's not chelated. 

Chelated magnesium is a highly absorbable form of magnesium bound to amino acids (often glycine) to form a stable complex. This "claw-like" binding protects the mineral as it passes through the digestive tract, resulting in higher bioavailability, improved absorption, and fewer gastrointestinal side effects (like laxative effects) compared to non-chelated forms like magnesium oxide. 

What It Means: Enhanced Absorption

• Structure: Magnesium is attached to a carrier molecule (ligand), such as glycine, taurine, or malate.
• Stability: Because it is bonded to carrier molecules, it is less likely to break down and cause digestive issues
  .

Ok, now I have weird bullet points I don't want and don't know how to get rid of. Anyways, regarding the magnesium; I took one pill of this stuff and I was woozy. The effect didn't last long but I did get right to sleep when my head hit the pillow last night.

You guys, my damn neck has been itching for the past two weeks. I notice that as my skin gets looser there (aging), I sweat at night and I think this is what is causing it so I'm constantly rinsing it off when I go to pee or get up first thing in the morning. The sweating only happens at night.

Man, aging sucks, there's no way around it. All that, "my wrinkles tell the story of me" shit? Yeah, you can have that there story. I want nothing to do with that story. I tell the story of me, not my damn wrinkles.

So the owner of the company I'm at? He's weird. He goes out on sales calls too but he got upset that his calendar showed so we have to set up his appointments different. Like dude...I don't give a shit about your calendar. What am I gonna do? See that you have it scheduled to go to the gym and judge you?

I haven't met him. He's been there when I'm there and he hasn't introduced himself to me. Yesterday, I went into the copy room, which don't get me started...but he was in there and that guy couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Awkward.

Yeah, I don't want to be there but the paychecks are awfully damn nice.

It's control and micromanagement all the way. My immediate boss, she doesn't think so but I've worked in other settings, in really good, encouraging settings and this is definitely micro-management. I don't get breaks except for my lunch, even going to the shitter is a big deal.

I'm the only one who has to ask to leave my desk and only the really sweet girl agrees to cover for me; if the other two do, it's with an attitude, yet they take breaks and it's not all the time or anything like that, they do their job but seriously?

Ok, I'm done bitching. At least tomorrow, we leave at 3.

I'm hoping to have the energy to apply for at least one replacement, full time job tonight and one part time job.

Menards passed on me.

Fuckers.

Okie, I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

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Losing It

It’s 2:54 in the morning. I’ve been up for about an hour and a half. My ear hurts. I even had to poop. Everything about my body and its habits is changing. I used to be able to count on only going number 2 in the morning. Now it’s the mother loads in the morning and then little guys on and off all day and apparently now in the middle of the night.

And no sleep. So then I cry.

I just want to sleep.

Ok I’m back. I was so pissed off about the sleep thing and my resting heart rate going up so ridiculously high that I ripped off my Fitbit. I’m done.

I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. I went to bed on time. I finally turned the light on and read for a while and then I noticed a spider on my ceiling. I watched him or her for quite a while, hoping they would come down on the wall so I could get at them. I finally went to the bathroom and when I came back, there was no spider. I figured that it got on my bed.

But because it wasn’t massive, and because I was so flipping tired, I decided I don’t care and I’m just gonna go to sleep, but as I reached over to turn my light off, there it was on my pillow, so I flicked it off.

You guys, this not sleeping thing is not good. All I do is cry. That, and I seem to be having a visit down the past. I think about so many things and I feel so bad about who I used to be and some of the things I did that hurt people.

I have to stop this.

I have to get some sleep. It’s funny, because I do get sleep sometimes, but it needs to be consistent because I’m losing my shit psychologically.

I have to go, I have to get to work, but I hope you all have a good day and just know that we’re reaching the point where I am finally willing to do some things consistently to help myself.

The good news is that I don’t seem to want to self sabotage. No thoughts of revisiting past choices if you know what I mean.

So if I go.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Call the Shit OUT

Good Morning!

I was so worried about the storms they predicted yesterday and nada, not even any thunder.

I think it’s safe to say at this point, that the meteorologists in Minnesota are all smoking crack. 

So a lot happened at work yesterday. 

I got talked to about that fucking spreadsheet I can’t seem to work my head around.

And as my boss was going over it with me, she’s making passive aggressive comments.

I called that shit out.

She ended up telling me that since she’s been with this company, my position has been filled at least 30 times.

So you know what? That told me everything I need to know. I do think I’m struggling and I do think some of it is me and the way my brain works but I also think…hmmmm, 30 times?

Really?

That speak volumes.

Wouldn’t an employer look at that and especially one who worships the almighty dollar the way they do and say, “Wow, this is costing me a Lot.”

Training, and I use that word lightly, costs a company $$. But when you try to take shortcuts with it, that training costs more if you lose the employee.

Look, I told them they’ll have to fire me, that I’m not going to walk out willingly.

Or you know, on my own. I paid my fucking bills this week and I want to pay my rent at the end of the month so I have to keep going.

Whatever.

I don’t know, they might fire me today. They might not. My days of being quiet are over. I’m a fucking human being, I’m not a robot.

I understand why they pay so much now, that’s for sure. Dangle a carrot in front of the horse and the horse will perform. I love horses. I wouldn’t do that to a horse.

Blah fucking blah. I gotta go power get ready.

Pumpkin took a huge shit and I can’t not smell it.

That cat shits the size of a human.

Ha!

One of the many reasons I love her.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Insomnia

Hi Everyone,

I have to be careful what I write today.

Because I’m going through it. 

Big time. 

Saturday night I had a nightmare and that one dream brought up all the ick in me that I’ve been stuffing down. Memories I’d put aside, feelings I’d put aside. Ugh. And just trauma. It’s all right here in the surface.

I didn’t get much sleep.

And so I had a wasted day, other then two conversations, one with my bestie and one with someone in the dream. I’m really glad I called her.

I was on the couch all day, on the verge of tears.

And last night? Another nightmare, a dream about someone else I’ve fallen out of touch with. She was a friend long, long ago.

And so no sleep again.

And tears. Pumpkin comes when I cry and she head bumps me and kisses me. She hates it when I cry.

I think it’s safe to say I’m losing my shit.

So I have to figure out this sleep thing.

Because I have no insurance, I’m going to have to see if I can get a prescription fo the meds I was taking before without seeing the doctor. And I’m gonna start taking the edibles for awhile.

Anything to just sleep.

And as soon as I can find a job with insurance, I’m getting therapy and I’m getting help with this bulkshit sleep fuckery.

I’ve talked about the fact that Xanax is the only thing that ever really worked but no doctor will prescribe it on an ongoing basis anymore.

As far as addiction to it goes…who cares if I get physically addicted or have to increase due to tolerance. I’ve got what? 20 years left? Geez. Help me make them good ones.

As long as I take them as prescribed who cares if I develop a physical addiction? It’s not like I’m 20 and experiencing this.

But I’m Denise Motherfucking Johnson and so I’ll go on.

I do start to have dark thoughts as each night gets worse, and each day gets harder due to lack of sleep.

But the thing is, I don’t really want to leave just yet. I don’t think I ever want to. 

It’s just so hard. All these emotions.

And bear with me as I say this, I think this all came up because I started working. I’m not saying I shouldn’t be working. I think that going through what I just did financially, and feeling so isolated and then all of a sudden, just jumping into this job and having some sense of financial security, I think all of that mixed together brought all of this up. It was the perfect cocktail of bullshit.

And so here we are. And here I am.

And I have to get through this and figure out the sleep thing. It’s number one because without sleep, it will all come toppling down again.

Anyways, I do need to go get ready for work. Mondays are extremely hard at work because I have to catch up on the leads from the weekend and it’s just a lot.

I got this, I can do this.

I hope all of you have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie