If It Was Just Me

Hello, Hello,

Oh you guys. Why this struggle to do anything? I took a shower.

 

That’s it so far.

I still have a good portion of day in front of me. I’m starving even though this stomach pain continues. I’m gonna make some scrambled eggs with cheese and make myself my protein shake and that’ll be it for food for today because of the pain. 

If I eat too much, I suffer.

But at least I can eat.

I’m very anxious and also sad. My sister’s remaining pup is not doing so well. You look at this dog and you would never know how old she is. She still looks so youthful to me and she is stunningly beautiful. But she is I believe either close to 13 or actually 13 now and that’s old for a greyhound. I think anyone who has ever taken on an animal and loved them questions themselves towards the end, why do I do this, because it is so very hard to lose them.

And let’s face it, not everyone who owns an animal should. But my sister is not one of those people. Her dogs are treated in a way that all animals should be treated, and they are the most loving creatures as a result.

Just perfect little souls.

How can such tiny beings bring such an incredibly big amount of love into our hearts? They just do.

So I am sad.

Sad for my sister, too, this kind of lossis horrific.

I’m getting through this time and we are quickly approaching the danger zone. I even considered just saying fuck it and paying all my bills and ignoring the rent and letting that go, but I can’t do that to my daughter. If it was just me, I would. But it is not just me.

And so here we are and here I am, and you can only move through it. Aligning with the flow, right?

Yup.

So here I go, going to align myself now. And we shall see what the day brings. Or, you know, what the rest of the day brings.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Flow

Good Morning!

Hmmmm, lots of thoughts. One that, if what I suspect is true, I just don’t understand. 

But this is not the place to write about that.

I applied for a ton of jobs yesterday.

I will apply for more today. My anxiety is at this place where I felt insane and I couldn’t sit still. So I just tried to use that energy to be productive and proactive.

And although not perfect, it did work.

I woke up mad though. Mad about everything. 

I need to take an ice cold shower and I need to meditate and get myself out of this place.

I had a dream with mom in it last night.

In the dream, I was driving down main street in Anoka and I lost control of my car and it was driving into oncoming traffic and all I could think was, “I’m gonna die and I hope people don’t think I’m drinking” because I wasn’t. 

I ended up abandoning the car and I was all bruised up from it and I knew I had to go to the hospital but I went to a friends house and was calling Mom and she said she’d come get me and then I was at like a food truck talking to the guy and he had all these receipts for me to go through and I was looking for something and then I ended up at this restaurant in Main Street and mom was there waiting for me and she’d just gotten a haircut. It was really pretty but something she’d never have had in real life and she’s had this sparkly black shirt on and she was really happy.

It made me think she telling me she’s happy but still here for me.

I don’t know.

I love you Mom.

I’m tired.

Like, life tired. 

But I go on.

I just go on and on and on.

With an ouchie tummy.

Just talked to beloved Rhi. My youngest and I have had some good talks…

I’m sad though. Sad and overwhelmed and I know the only way through is through.

Here we go. Another day north of the earth and trying to align myself with what is. Sometimes that’s the best we can do.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dramatic? And??

 

Hi Everyone,

Ugh, turn downs on the jobs I've applied for. 

It's ok, or actually, it's not. I'm not ok. But I'm applying for more.

It's hard. It's so hard to be and stay positive so I guess for now, I need to be OK having moments of it, no  matter how small.

Lots of tears today, lots of wishing for things that I can't magically make happen.

And utter despondency at times too, like I'm all over the place.

I've been talking to my daughter today as well. We are very similar in some key ways...with the way we process information and the way we learn. 

I've been looking back and as far as this job stuff, this started long before I ever had my first job. It started in school; like around 6th grade and it kicked into high gear and ultimately ended with me not graduating high school.

And just opportunities, good fucking opportunities...look, I'm not writing all this out to bash myself, I'm writing it all out to see this pattern and where it began and there are so many pieces to this.

Somewhere around 7th grade, I gave up. I gave up trying to push though anything difficult. I do know there is the fear of failure but also honestly not being able to retain information in a meaningful way either. Yeah, if I really like something, I can retain it but when I like something, it's a joy learning about it. And people think that means that I can do the things I don't want to. I've been reading so much about ADHD and how the brain lights up when it's excited about something but practically goes dormant if there is no interest and while I do believe that we can train ourselves to a certain extend, it does make it excruciatingly hard.

So we have fear of failure, we have ADHD, we have the Borderline stuff, which involves repeating self-sabotaging behaviors and then we have, quite frankly, a natural disposition to laziness.

I was always able to make this work because I had my parents to lean on. It was wrong, that. I have deep regrets over it but since they have both been gone, I see now, the issues I have because it has become a non-negotiable not to walk out on these jobs.

And these jobs, they are horrid for me. 

Absolutely horrid.

I do understand about attitude and positivity and gratitude. Some of these jobs have literally had me wanting to crawl out of my own skin, it's like they hurt me physically.

Dramatic?

I'm just trying to explain. I have tried to explain to people before and they don't get it. 

These are not excuses.

These are things I struggle with and I see now that maybe they have the potential for me to end me. That's not dramatic either.

I simply cannot go on this way. I can't live like this.

People who know me in my personal life find it hard to believe these struggles because I'm articulate, because I make sense. But they don't see me at work, they don't know the things that I've had managers say to me or how I am treated like I'm dumb.

I know I'm smart, just like my daughter is, we just process things, and I have an Aunt like this too, differently. And in  my case, this borderline shit brings out emotions I'm not equipped to handle and that fucks up my productivity too.

This is not fix it in a day shit. I need help with all of this.

I'm trying to watch videos about this shit and get ideas for skills I can master in an effort to get through all this but goddamnit man, I get to own this.

No excuses, just a cry to the Universe for help.

Ok, that's where I'm at today.

Have a good day.

And to my new subscribers on YouTube, thank you, thank you, thank you. 709 as of this morning.

I have value.

I'm working on valuing myself and I'm wanting my daughter to see that in herself too, but to have others back it up by subscribing...just thank you.

Somedays, again maybe somewhat dramatically, I feel like it's the only thing I have.

Have a good night you guys.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wankers Be A'Callin

 

Hello,

Oh man. I'm not in a good place but the good news is I'm doing my best to push through. At the end of the day, if that's all I do, then that's something. 

And I know...find a job. Number one priority, numero uno, the big kahuna.

I'm doing that after posting this.

I applied for one job on Indeed and they sent a message saying the next step is to apply on their website. 

Ugh.

You all know how I feel about that. It's annoying as fuck. Interview my ass and then, if you like me, then ask me to fill out an online app.

Anyways, bla bla bla.

I'm going to try and just keep steady today. My list, per the norm is out of control but the two things I have to do today, even if it means no cleaning, is apply for jobs and make some bath bombs. 

Lord have mercy.

I'm trying the stop application again, and trying to apply it to smoking, coffee and skin picking. I've managed to stay away from the ouches on my legs and I want at them sooooo bad. I've attacked the two on my back though. But at least I've managed to stay away from the ones on my legs so far and the one on my face.

No coffee. I mean, I put my dose coffee powder in my protein shake but that's it. No Starbucks and no making any at home.

I have smoked. Praise JaySUS y'all, I have smoked but...minimally. Not allowing myself chain smoking sessions in the car. 

Some wanker called me today about "my business" not showing up in Google search, they are relentless and it's a huge fucking scam and I answered the call because I've applied for a number of jobs. I fucking went off.

Just to be assholes, they called right back after I hung up on them.

I didn't take the bait.

Anyways, you guys, I hit 700 subscribers on YouTube yesterday and now have 706 as of this morning. 

It makes me so happy.

My bestie will be close enough to hug on Thursday and that's exactly what I plan on doing. I was hoping for more time but will take the space she has available. She usually comes out because of family events and because it's so rare she gets here, everyone wants a piece of her. It's hard, I wish we could have a day or two but I get it...I'll post pics.

Of course I will post pics, it's what I do and speaking of what I do, I also apply for jobs so I best do that. Here is today's short.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Anxiety and the Dumb Down

 

Happy Sunday,

I'm a mess today guys. But yesterday was worse, so you know, we'll just go with that. 

That is a positive.

When I say yesterday was worse, what I mean is that my anxiety went through the roof and it dumbed me down. Oh my god.

I went out to my sister's to watch her pup and you know, she's slowed down so much. And I was so worried about her, like all my anxiety, all of it that had just continued to build up all day? It all went into her. I was texting my sister, like, is this normal, blah blah.

And she was fine.

She was fine.

I've been doing fine, haven't been sitting on my ass but it doesn't feel like that. 

I'm trying to let go of patterns but I do have to clean the house again, I'm not ready to let that insanity go quite yet so I'm going to get started on that. It was worse a week ago Friday and I got that shit done in an hour and a half, then I'm going to make some products because there is only now. And right now, I don't have a job so anything...anything at all that could potentially help us, there is only now.

I plan to end the afternoon with job search.

Lots of job search.

In fact, I'm so all over the place, I switched from this blog to a job app I had started and I hit the submit button. Each job I apply for, I say out loud, "this is my job."

Whatever floats your boat and gets you through.

Yeah.

Ok, I need to get on with it.

My Daily Short:

Much love to you all.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Deep Sleep

Good Morning,

Not the best sleep but at least what I did get, was a straight shot through, which tends to mean, at least when I was still wearing my Fitbit, that I probably got some good deep sleep in.

Deep sleep is key for me.

My tummy not good though. After I’m done with this, I’m going to start cleaning. 

Then job search.

Then shoot videos for the week.

If I still have time, I’ll do bath bombs.

I’m going out to my sister’s tonight to pup sit and in the way back, I’m going to stop at the grocery store as they have a free blood pressure thing. I just have an irksome feeling that my body is over all the years of neglect. Time to shit or get off the pot, man.

I really don’t know how but tomorrow, I really hope to give the cigs, coffee and skin picking up.

Things need to be different this time. I am a master of denial. Like I know the reality but I somehow ignore it anyways.

It’s part of this mental health piece.

I know this sounds awful but I keep going back to this other girl’s page because she’s like a train wreck that you can’t look away from and I think, “Thank God, for me I mean, because a) that could be me and b) it used to be me.”

I wish her peace, I really do.

I’m grateful that I seem to be able to stabilize myself better now. Now it’s just the whole reality thing; finding a place of peace with that and in that.

Lol, ever since I wrote that pooping is like the mental health purge, you know analogy wise, every time I go now, I crack up and think, I’m purging!!!!!

Alrighty, well today and tomorrow will be busy but steady busy, not nuts busy.

Okie, well have a good day!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dawn is Breaking

Hey everyone,

Good morning. Dawn is breaking and the birds are chirping.

I felt very at peace yesterday and strong but today…I’m a bit more fragile.

I applied for a ton of jobs yesterday. My attitude is to just get in anywhere for any amount of pay and keep trying to land another good paying job but one without all the stress.

Perhaps if I can find something without the stress, I’ll be in a better place to get a second job.

I’m not backing down on this whole I’m not normal thing. It can’t be an excuse but I’m not built for high stress. I can’t maintain it for long without falling apart.

Wishing I could and wishing I was normal is no longer an option because I’ve wasted so much time and opportunity doing that.

I’m Denise and now I have to find out what that really means and how to navigate it in a world where “normalcy” prevails.

The trees are all budding and it’s going to be a beautiful day.

No matter what I accomplish today, I want to get outside and breath this in, take note of it, be present in it.

As gross as this is; I took a big, healthy #2 today already and it occurred to me that that’s what I’m doing figuratively as well. I’m purging.

People have been calling and if you’re one of them and I didn’t pick up, it’s because I don’t want to get weighed back down by the worry and distress this causes others. 

I will take that on and wear it like comfy pajamas.

Comfy Jammie’s make you sweat if you keep them on for too long, they lull you into sleep and troubled dreams.

And I will become numbed out and disengaged.

I will be overcome with fear and doubt.

I will strive for normalcy again.

And I will fail.

No more of this cycle.

Change is stressful but acceptance is not.

Letting go doesn’t mean stop moving forward, it means doing it differently.

It means staying open and writing the story as it unfolds.

So while today feels heavier, I’m going to move through it.

I wish I would’ve came to this years ago but I’m here now and I simply can’t go on the way I have been.

I’m open. I’m listening and I’m seeing without judgement.

So on I go. Into this day. We shall see what it brings!

I wish you a happy day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Becoming

Hi Everyone,

So here we are again. Familiar territory; crisis, chaos, repeated patterns. Except that I’m not going there. That’s what trips me up. I had an epiphany. I am done beating myself up for who I am.

I truly believe this whole thing is part of my metamorphosis. Today I am accepting myself for who I am. And I am going to learn how to move within that. My whole life has been focused on changing who I am because I believed that who I am was deficit. It’s not! I move differently in this world than others. I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I’m not comfortable moving in the world the way other people seem to be able to do. It makes success very difficult.

I need to survive and I need to be able to provide for myself the things that are needed to get through life with some modicum of comfort. But I’ve been fighting my whole life. Fighting to be something I don’t think I’m capable of being. So now the focus has to be on loving who I am and finding a way to flow within that and to be productive and to be consistent and to be successful. 

Not gonna lie, I have no idea how to do this, but this self hatred thing, and trying so hard, in large part, to ease the lives of the people who love me, well these are all good things about me, you know that I care about others and how my life affects them, those things will still be there, they still are there, but I have to love myself too in this process, and I have to find a way and so I am just going to start working on loving myself, like really loving myself and seeing my value in this world and finding out how to fit in. I’m open. This is new.

Like I don’t have any words of wisdom here this time and all the plans and all the thoughts and all the things I think I need to do that might help, I’m letting them all go. I will take action and I will go through motions and I will pay attention to what it does to me. I will pay attention to what helps and what doesn’t and I will let go of patterns. I want to be like air. I want to move within the chasms and flow out of them and be malleable and just let myself be what and who I am.

I write often about how I’m different and how I don’t fit into the box and there’s this desperate desire to make people understand that this is not something I can control, that these things are just so hard for me. I don’t have to convince anybody, I’m the one who lives it and I know. I know that it’s true. And then letting go of all the thoughts of what I should be, I just need to be what I am.

And find what’s gonna work for me.

There is a young woman who I have wrote about before, and I don’t mention her name and I’m not gonna go too much into her story, but I see her posts on my other Facebook page and she suffers from many of the same diagnoses that I do, but it’s like at nuclear level. There is so much anger and helplessness and pain and she reached out on Facebook for help, but I can’t give it to her. I am so glad that my stuff is not at that level and that I can find peace within the chaos and faith and hope and trust in the process. And still care about others and how my stuff affects them. Those things are things that are blessings and I need to be so grateful for them. And sadly, all I can do for her is send energy and pray that she’ll be OK, I can’t take that on. And I don’t Mean this in a selfish way, but her stuff helps me realize how lucky I really am and how much potential I do have and that the likelihood of me having a fulfilling, rich life is there and it’s a high potential.

I could tell my daughter was on the defensive when she came home yesterday. I think she was worried she was gonna walk into tears and self-pity and helplessness and I did not let myself go there. I was very positive and I intend to stay that way with her because that’s part of the harm that I can create and I don’t wanna do that anymore.

This situation happened so that I can continue becoming. It’s that simple.

And in my mind, that is something to be very grateful for.

It in no way negates the necessity to find a job, but it is something huge for me and it is new.

I do not have a big plan for the day. Rather, I have some ideas of things I should probably do. And so today I’m just going to move within what I think I should probably do. I’m not going to put measurements on it, I’m not going to label it, I’m going to live in it and experience it. I am going to pay attention to how I feel.

I hope you all have a beautiful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Whose B*tch?

 

Good Morning!

Ugh. Another morning of I don't wanna. I did have a talk with a friend last night and she did say that all of what I'm going through at this job, it's valid and it sucks and it's awful.

There are two choices; quit, walk away or stay and make them my bitch.

There is a rebel in me who fights against any kind of authority and anyone telling me what to do.

And I think that has a place but unfortunately, I don't have money sitting in the bank to try and take care of all of this while I look for something else.

I got nada.

The rebel is out and there are things I'm doing that I better not write about, just in case, ways around this cold calling thing they lied to  me about.

But I gotta find another job.

So.

This company wouldn't know loyalty if it bit them in the ass and so...they're not getting any from me but I will say you know, my attitude has got to be try as hard as you can to make it through this. 

You win the lottery...good, walk. You don't, look for another job. Keep looking, don't give up. This company is a paycheck and a paycheck only. They are a means to an end and I'm gonna use them the way they are using me.

Just get me out of there...please Universe...get me out of there but not because I'm sick or anything negative. 

You have to be careful of not only what you ask for, but how.

Knock on wood, but my stomach seems to be improving. 

I stink like straight up arse so I'm going to go shower and do the things. Pumpkin now knows how to open the freezer and so all of the food prep I did for the week went out the window, or the freezer. Yeah, everything, including my ice...done for.

Having an intelligent cat...it's a handful. She's a handful.

But she's the handful I love.

Alright, well, I guess onwards we go.

And a big fuck you to the fuckers.

K.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dad

Here I am again.

Getting some decent sleep really helped me.

I’m still feeling a little rumbly though. A little discomfort in my tummy.

Time for some big changes. I have to get out of this job. I have to. 

It’s so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want my life to just get better. Change takes all the things I struggle with. 

That cold calling system I’ve been bitching about? It’s got me so stressed out I vomit.

I’m having major issues with my tummy that started last night. I called in and they want a fucking doctor’s note. 

When they don’t provide fucking insurance.

FUCK YOU!!!

With the cold calling, I literally ask for the wrong person, I act like they are wrong numbers. Because I can’t take people bitching at me for calling them.

I mean…it’s creative problem solving is how I look at it.

But I couldn’t go in today.

Too much pain.

And so I go some sleep and I had what they call a using dream. It’s been 3 years since I used my drug of choice and in the dream I was using. But Dad came and he wanted to get me out of there and other friends were there and they were a distraction.

But Dad.

Dad came.

I miss him so much.

In the dream, I don’t know if he was talking to my kids or to my sister or what but he had a piece of paper in his hand and it was a plan to get me out of where I was and I feel like it was him saying he is still with me and there is a plan.

Because I’ve been having dark thoughts again. Not about drugs but about not being here and not having to do this anymore.

I want to settle in to a decent job for a company that makes me feel valued.

They have filled my position several times in the 4 years my immediate supervisor has worked there and wouldn’t you think they’d figure out that their way of doing things isn’t working?

I guess going over and over this in my head solves nothing.

I can’t change anything but myself.

Wishing it away is an act of futility.

I’m lost in this right now and just trying a light to guide me.

Dad says there’s a plan.

How I wish he was here and that I could talk to him.

I can still talk to him though. I just told him I love him.

Ok, well I would just ask that if you believe in anything, sen a little strength, love and healing my way, maybe some comfort too. I’m struggling.

Love to you all.

Neecie

Ulcer?

Hi Everyone,

I have been through it in the past 8 hours or so.

I stopped taking my omeprazole last week because I didn’t want to use a credit card to get more and that was my first mistake.

Pain within a few days. So I got some and started feeling better but not “normal” better. 

And then yesterday, well it was Monday and Monday’s at work are horrid and they brought in all this food for the 20 year anniversary of the place and I went to town. Let’s just shove all this stress down with food, cover it up with carbs and sugar and cheap pizza. I felt bloated at work but ok. 

Same at night.

The most intense pain woke me up around midnight.

Excruciating.

The only reason I don’t go to the hospital was the money. No insurance.

I took like 4 omeprazole and slowly started feeling better. I’m light headed this morning.

I did speak to a doctor at my usual clinic and they said I’ll probably have to have another endoscopy.

No insurance.

Anyways, I’m going to try and drastically change some things and see if that helps first.

If I drop dead in the process, I drop dead. I don’t want to die but I also can’t go on like this.

I’m miserable.

I’m sad.

I feel like my heart broke somewhere in all of this. Disappointment in myself and how my life has turned out, frustration that I’ve made no progress.

For now, I’m going back to bed. When I get up, I’ll come up with a plan.

No I didn’t quit my job.

Back to the hell hole tomorrow.

If I don’t drop dead.

Ha!

Just my mood today.

But I hope all of you have a good day.

I hope you are blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

All Morning

Good Morning!

I think I slept ok! I went to sleep around 8:30ish or maybe 9 and I did wake up a couple times but I go back to sleep ok. I woke up at 3:55 and stayed up but I forced myself to stay in bed until 5. I want my body to get used to the fact that 9-5 is sleepy time.

Consistency.

I had a full day yesterday.

I got a lot done.

I need to keep that train going.

I had lunch with my sister too.

You have to fit the good stuff in too and knocking it out of the park is the good stuff but fam and friends is much needed as well.

I already have to go. I've spent all morning uploading and scheduling my long form videos to publish so off I go.

Love my sibs.

Here is yesterday's Neecie's Journey to Better Health:

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wonky Ass

Well Hello,

I know not why some days like yesterday, I lay about like a slug or a bug in a rug and days like today, I get the fuck up and do the thing.

Best only to question it when I’m in slug mode lest I digress back into it when I’m in go mode.

I hate my fucking job.

K.

Now that I’ve got that established, shall we move past?

I’m hitting it hard this morning. Showered, curled my hair for my videos, went to Targetvfor some groceries, got gas. 

About to put some makeup on and shoot those damn videos and then hopefully have time to rollerskate, but if not, I will drop my daughter off at work, then go back and rollerskate and then I will stop by my roommate’s place and say good morning or hello or whatever if he’s not working and then I will go out to my sisters.

I can’t stay there all day because I need to come back and do food prep and I do need a little downtime and preparing for my day and my week.

I need to get into bed on time as I am really shooting for consistency with my morning routine and as far as my evening routine, I’m kind of like fuck that for now except getting into bed on time.

Emotionally I have been all over the place. I have had some wonky ass dreams and I think I wrote earlier about the fact that I’m having dreams about people from my past. It’s like I’m revisiting my life in a way. It’s mainly the big players who are no longer in my life that I’m dreaming about.

Two of the people who I feel really bad about, I have already made amends too, and they want nothing to do with me and I’m at peace with that. Two of the people I dreamt about the night before last, I could care less about.

There are some people who I may be knew or met once, or I knew them for a summer, I was always meeting new people. I will never see those people again, I don’t even remember their names. So I just try to send out love and light to them.

Dwelling on the past, especially mistakes and things we have regrets about, does no good. As much as I think about it, sometimes, I know we can’t go back, but even if we could, who knows how things would end up if I was able to change them. For real, who knows? Maybe I wouldn’t have my children, maybe I’d be dead, maybe I wouldn’t have had some of the beautiful experiences I’ve had in my life. 

Acceptance is a big part of living free. I’m not gonna lie, I hate the way my life is right now.

I don’t care what anyone says, and I don’t care how most people are. I am someone who struggles with the box. The box is slavery to me.

I am trying to acclimate because I guess that’s what we’re supposed to do. But it crushes me and it always will.

And that is why I write this blog, why I shoot videos, why I still hold onto the dream of Willow’s whimsy in whatever form it turns out being. I want to be the author of my life, not what society says I should fucking do.

But I also really do want to be self-sufficient and bring joy instead of worry to the people I love.

I don’t think they worry about the whole drug abuse thing anymore, but they worry about me in general and just how I am. I do know that living the life I wanna live does not mean that others take care of me financially.

I go down so many rabbit holes.

So I’m gonna go now and get my shit done and shoot my videos and see if I have time to rollerskate.

I sure hope I do.

I’ll be back, I always am. Unless, you know, for some reason I drop dead. 

Let’s hope that doesn’t happen today.

I hope you have a great Sunday.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Lesson Learned

Oh Man! Happy Saturday!

To not have to go into that place. Sadly, I didn’t sleep well but I’m not going to let that ruin my day.

You guys. I came home last night and cleaned the entire apartment. To wake up and not have to worry about that today is…it’s amazing.

So it’s a perfect day to stay inside and get stuff done. It’s cold out. It’s going to be cold out tomorrow too.

Tomorrow, I am going rollerskating, then stopping by my former roomie’s place for a visit and then I’m gonna go out to my sister’s.

I think I am definitely going to need more sleep. This is my fault, I drank a coffee way too late.

Lesson learned. I mean, I’ve learned it already but now I’m going to resist.

Not if I want my Saturdays to be productive.

The first thing to do is to accept that I have to go back to sleep. I’ll set my alarm.

Then it’s on.

I’m not going on a list today but I know what I want to do.

Ok, time to lay down.

I hope you all enjoy your day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Fight

Good Morning!

It’s Friday. I get out early. Yay. 

Yesterday was the day from hell. First, I ran out of my medication, it’s just an OTC but I’ve been too lazy to pick some up and it’s for acid reflux. I was in so much pain by about 10AM and I started dry heaving. I really haven’t eaten all that much in the last few days and so there was nothing to throw up. 

It was horrible. I’d get a wave of nausea and try to puke something up but to no avail. I sounded like a cat when they’re trying to get up a hairball.

Anyways, they informed me yesterday that I am to do 3-5 hours a day of cold calling.

I was literally told in the interview that there would be no cold calling. And it does not make sense, you have to understand how they are honest about scheduling and we’re only supposed to schedule for a week out at a time and we are full. Today I go in knowing that we have just a few openings for next week and they’re gonna be upset if we fill them but we fill them 50 miles away from each other. It doesn’t work like that, we cannot control who calls in and where they live.

I may sound like a complete and total whiner, but I did this for about a half hour yesterday and luckily people kept calling in and we kept getting other leads and those are our priorities so I didn’t have to do too much of it but they tell us to call them and basically lie and say we’re doing a follow up to the request you made last summer and they did not make a request last summer. My boss claims that these are from previous lists, but the person could’ve inquired 10 years ago. There was only one person who is willing to talk to me and he did schedule an appointment, but the rest of them called me a liar, One called me a Cunt and told me I’m ruining his life.

I know, don’t take it personally, but when it’s over and over and over and this is not something I ever wanted to do and quite frankly would not have taken the job if they had told me I’d be doing it, I feel like I’m trapped in hell.

I did sleep last night. I have no idea for how long but I went to bed probably around 10 at the latest and woke up around 2:30, was up for an hour and slept till six. I do think the magnesium glycinate is helping. So that’s good. We will see if that continues.

But my daughter made us dinner and I ate a little bit and I had gotten my medication so now I feel better from that but at the time, I couldn’t eat yet.

I’m feeling a lot of things and I don’t wanna write them down because it’s just so dramatic. I do still suffer from big feelings about things, I’m just able to usually put them in perspective, but this job has thrown me for a loop and I will go so far as to say I feel I’m being punished.

I’m OK with not liking a job. But it shouldn’t be torture. I’m going to go under at the bank because I only got paid for the one week so far and I don’t get another paycheck for another week.

Very close to being on a budget and being able to stick to it and I am trying so hard to focus on that.

This weekend, I will be applying for jobs like crazy. The one thing I know now, because I found another job similar to the one I’m in, except that I would not be making phone calls at all, I would be in office manager. But I learned that I have to ask questions and I’m going to and if I don’t get hired because of it, that’s fine.

I’ve been sitting on something and it’s jealousy. It’s ugly. But on our website, we have pictures of jobs we’ve done and there’s this one house that I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s not a house, it’s not even a mansion, it’s an estate and it is fucking gorgeous. And so I said to my immediate boss, oh my God that house on the website and she asked me if it was the one with the rolling Hills and I said yes, and she said that’s our owner‘s house.

The weird one, the one who hasn’t even introduced himself to me and goes running and won’t let his calendar be on the schedule, the one we have to do a special kind of appointment setting for.

And all I can think of is Donald Trump. And how he wants us all to be slaves, and I feel like I’m a slave so this guy can live that kind of life, a life I will never have or understand.

It’s really hard right now. I’m in a dark place.

For my mental health sake, I have to get the fuck out of there. It’s not like me to fight, not actively. I’ll keep going and I’ll keep doing whatever and then I’ll fall apart. I don’t want that to happen so I have to actively fight to get the fuck out of there.

All right, well I better go, or I’ll be late to work. I’m hoping that if my sleep can regulate itself enough for me not to wake up and to get a good six hours straight in, then I’ll be able to get up early again.

I hope that all of you have a good day. Everyone deserves a good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise

Chelated

 Hi Everyone,

Isn't that little baby in the picture so sweet? Not me, the pup. That's my sister's dog. Her name is Chatty and she is such a dear little girl.

We like each other. We love each other. 

My family gets so lucky with their animals. No matter what, there will always be animals in my life.

So...I got some sleep. I woke up at around 3:30 and didn't go back to sleep but before that, it was pretty good.

I didn't put my fitbit back on because it was pissing me off so much. 

But I think I got some sleep. I wasn't very wakeful that I can recall.

I feel tired but...I feel ok too.

This job is kicking my ass.

I did apply for a MN State job.

I keep telling myself, that's my job but I haven't heard back. I think it's still open until the 20th so I don't expect to hear until then.

The whole job search thing would be so much easier if I could just get some damn good sleep.

Oh! I read that most magnesium doesn't work for sleep because it's not chelated. 

Chelated magnesium is a highly absorbable form of magnesium bound to amino acids (often glycine) to form a stable complex. This "claw-like" binding protects the mineral as it passes through the digestive tract, resulting in higher bioavailability, improved absorption, and fewer gastrointestinal side effects (like laxative effects) compared to non-chelated forms like magnesium oxide. 

What It Means: Enhanced Absorption

• Structure: Magnesium is attached to a carrier molecule (ligand), such as glycine, taurine, or malate.
• Stability: Because it is bonded to carrier molecules, it is less likely to break down and cause digestive issues
  .

Ok, now I have weird bullet points I don't want and don't know how to get rid of. Anyways, regarding the magnesium; I took one pill of this stuff and I was woozy. The effect didn't last long but I did get right to sleep when my head hit the pillow last night.

You guys, my damn neck has been itching for the past two weeks. I notice that as my skin gets looser there (aging), I sweat at night and I think this is what is causing it so I'm constantly rinsing it off when I go to pee or get up first thing in the morning. The sweating only happens at night.

Man, aging sucks, there's no way around it. All that, "my wrinkles tell the story of me" shit? Yeah, you can have that there story. I want nothing to do with that story. I tell the story of me, not my damn wrinkles.

So the owner of the company I'm at? He's weird. He goes out on sales calls too but he got upset that his calendar showed so we have to set up his appointments different. Like dude...I don't give a shit about your calendar. What am I gonna do? See that you have it scheduled to go to the gym and judge you?

I haven't met him. He's been there when I'm there and he hasn't introduced himself to me. Yesterday, I went into the copy room, which don't get me started...but he was in there and that guy couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Awkward.

Yeah, I don't want to be there but the paychecks are awfully damn nice.

It's control and micromanagement all the way. My immediate boss, she doesn't think so but I've worked in other settings, in really good, encouraging settings and this is definitely micro-management. I don't get breaks except for my lunch, even going to the shitter is a big deal.

I'm the only one who has to ask to leave my desk and only the really sweet girl agrees to cover for me; if the other two do, it's with an attitude, yet they take breaks and it's not all the time or anything like that, they do their job but seriously?

Ok, I'm done bitching. At least tomorrow, we leave at 3.

I'm hoping to have the energy to apply for at least one replacement, full time job tonight and one part time job.

Menards passed on me.

Fuckers.

Okie, I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

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• 
  
• 
  

Losing It

It’s 2:54 in the morning. I’ve been up for about an hour and a half. My ear hurts. I even had to poop. Everything about my body and its habits is changing. I used to be able to count on only going number 2 in the morning. Now it’s the mother loads in the morning and then little guys on and off all day and apparently now in the middle of the night.

And no sleep. So then I cry.

I just want to sleep.

Ok I’m back. I was so pissed off about the sleep thing and my resting heart rate going up so ridiculously high that I ripped off my Fitbit. I’m done.

I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. I went to bed on time. I finally turned the light on and read for a while and then I noticed a spider on my ceiling. I watched him or her for quite a while, hoping they would come down on the wall so I could get at them. I finally went to the bathroom and when I came back, there was no spider. I figured that it got on my bed.

But because it wasn’t massive, and because I was so flipping tired, I decided I don’t care and I’m just gonna go to sleep, but as I reached over to turn my light off, there it was on my pillow, so I flicked it off.

You guys, this not sleeping thing is not good. All I do is cry. That, and I seem to be having a visit down the past. I think about so many things and I feel so bad about who I used to be and some of the things I did that hurt people.

I have to stop this.

I have to get some sleep. It’s funny, because I do get sleep sometimes, but it needs to be consistent because I’m losing my shit psychologically.

I have to go, I have to get to work, but I hope you all have a good day and just know that we’re reaching the point where I am finally willing to do some things consistently to help myself.

The good news is that I don’t seem to want to self sabotage. No thoughts of revisiting past choices if you know what I mean.

So if I go.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Call the Shit OUT

Good Morning!

I was so worried about the storms they predicted yesterday and nada, not even any thunder.

I think it’s safe to say at this point, that the meteorologists in Minnesota are all smoking crack. 

So a lot happened at work yesterday. 

I got talked to about that fucking spreadsheet I can’t seem to work my head around.

And as my boss was going over it with me, she’s making passive aggressive comments.

I called that shit out.

She ended up telling me that since she’s been with this company, my position has been filled at least 30 times.

So you know what? That told me everything I need to know. I do think I’m struggling and I do think some of it is me and the way my brain works but I also think…hmmmm, 30 times?

Really?

That speak volumes.

Wouldn’t an employer look at that and especially one who worships the almighty dollar the way they do and say, “Wow, this is costing me a Lot.”

Training, and I use that word lightly, costs a company $$. But when you try to take shortcuts with it, that training costs more if you lose the employee.

Look, I told them they’ll have to fire me, that I’m not going to walk out willingly.

Or you know, on my own. I paid my fucking bills this week and I want to pay my rent at the end of the month so I have to keep going.

Whatever.

I don’t know, they might fire me today. They might not. My days of being quiet are over. I’m a fucking human being, I’m not a robot.

I understand why they pay so much now, that’s for sure. Dangle a carrot in front of the horse and the horse will perform. I love horses. I wouldn’t do that to a horse.

Blah fucking blah. I gotta go power get ready.

Pumpkin took a huge shit and I can’t not smell it.

That cat shits the size of a human.

Ha!

One of the many reasons I love her.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Insomnia

Hi Everyone,

I have to be careful what I write today.

Because I’m going through it. 

Big time. 

Saturday night I had a nightmare and that one dream brought up all the ick in me that I’ve been stuffing down. Memories I’d put aside, feelings I’d put aside. Ugh. And just trauma. It’s all right here in the surface.

I didn’t get much sleep.

And so I had a wasted day, other then two conversations, one with my bestie and one with someone in the dream. I’m really glad I called her.

I was on the couch all day, on the verge of tears.

And last night? Another nightmare, a dream about someone else I’ve fallen out of touch with. She was a friend long, long ago.

And so no sleep again.

And tears. Pumpkin comes when I cry and she head bumps me and kisses me. She hates it when I cry.

I think it’s safe to say I’m losing my shit.

So I have to figure out this sleep thing.

Because I have no insurance, I’m going to have to see if I can get a prescription fo the meds I was taking before without seeing the doctor. And I’m gonna start taking the edibles for awhile.

Anything to just sleep.

And as soon as I can find a job with insurance, I’m getting therapy and I’m getting help with this bulkshit sleep fuckery.

I’ve talked about the fact that Xanax is the only thing that ever really worked but no doctor will prescribe it on an ongoing basis anymore.

As far as addiction to it goes…who cares if I get physically addicted or have to increase due to tolerance. I’ve got what? 20 years left? Geez. Help me make them good ones.

As long as I take them as prescribed who cares if I develop a physical addiction? It’s not like I’m 20 and experiencing this.

But I’m Denise Motherfucking Johnson and so I’ll go on.

I do start to have dark thoughts as each night gets worse, and each day gets harder due to lack of sleep.

But the thing is, I don’t really want to leave just yet. I don’t think I ever want to. 

It’s just so hard. All these emotions.

And bear with me as I say this, I think this all came up because I started working. I’m not saying I shouldn’t be working. I think that going through what I just did financially, and feeling so isolated and then all of a sudden, just jumping into this job and having some sense of financial security, I think all of that mixed together brought all of this up. It was the perfect cocktail of bullshit.

And so here we are. And here I am.

And I have to get through this and figure out the sleep thing. It’s number one because without sleep, it will all come toppling down again.

Anyways, I do need to go get ready for work. Mondays are extremely hard at work because I have to catch up on the leads from the weekend and it’s just a lot.

I got this, I can do this.

I hope all of you have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Arse In Me Face

 

Gooooooood Morning Faithful Readers,

I am here to tell you that y'girl got in 8 hours of sleep last night. Don't know how the hell that happened but it did and I'll take it with gratitude.

Pumpkin is on the desk with me with her arse in me face. She's loving on a box of envelopes.

It's my bestie's birthday today. It was right around this time 50 years ago, that our friendship began.

And what a friendship it's been.

I will miss her today as she lives on the west coast.

Wah.

But I do have some fish to fry so to speak and so I'll focus on that. 

There are many things that need to happen today but I'm going into it knowing that they can't all possibly happen. 

I'll just tell ya all about that shit tomorrow after today is behind me.

I would like to just do the fun stuff tomorrow.

We shall see.

So now I go to make my list and prioritize it.

I wish you all a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Manifesting

 

Good Morning!

How is everyone?

I am better than yesterday. So there is that. 

I got my first paycheck and it was a great reminder of why I'm going to continue at this job. I mean, they can fire me but I'm not gonna quit.

I cannot multi-task and this job requires almost 8 hours straight a day of multi-tasking.

Sleep is a big issue for me with this. I'm just better if I can get in over 6 hours of sleep and that only happened once this week. And then there's my resting heart rate which has skyrocketed in the past 2 weeks.

So I'm stressed and well aware.

I just don't fully know what to do about that.

My stomach was acting up yesterday too and I shit all day long. Don't know how else to say that, so better to just be blunt.

It turns out I do want to feel sorry for myself, I do feel like I'm being singled out by the Universe but something occurred to me yesterday.

If you think about manifestation and putting energy into certain things, I keep finding these kinds of jobs because somewhere along the line, I stopped believing I could be successful anywhere else.

This job, for now, is a means to an end.

I can do all the things I am wanting to do and have this job. But once I've achieved certain goals, I'll have built up confidence and I think the Universe will give me something better....I just need to believe I'm worth it.

What you think is what you manifest.

And btw, speaking of energy. I went down the serial killer hole yesterday. Rex Heuerman pled guilty to 8 murders. Although many suspected, based on evidence, that he was the one, he really is the one, the Gilgo Beach serial killer. I don't think he's the last of a dying breed, but I do think he's probably one of the last of the real scary ones, with multiple victims...I'm glad they got him. He's right where he needs to be.

So here we go, another day, another dollar...or two...or three.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

TGIF!!!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Self Pity and the Universe

I am breathing deep.

Oh, and hello.

Something is up with my computer. Not enough time now to go into it or to try and fix it.

I have to get to work and I am lucky that I had enough time to shower and get dressed.

I wanted to get this started on the computer and I'll finish in the car.

I have to do voice texting so things may be spelled wrong and the wrong words inserted.

Just so you know.

I’m at work and I give no fucks. I technically don’t start until our morning meeting.

I am really negative this morning.

There is only one option and that is to get through this job. To apply for others and hang in until I get an offer. 

Please don’t think this is me not being grateful. Gratitude is the reason I’m here today. Gratitude is the reason I’m sticking this out.

It’s ok to feel my feelings. I just can’t act on them. 

I want to ask why? Why can’t I land a job doing what I can and want to do? The stress of this position is giving me heart palpitations. Literally. I woke up at one last night and my heart was racing and I couldn’t catch my breath.

The self pitying part of me wants to think the Universe is punishing me and that this is my karma compass behavior.

At the end of the day, I don’t think I’m that important. The Universe doesn’t have time to wreak revenge upon me.

It just is what it is.

But I want out of this and for once in my life, I have to do this the right way.

I have to push through all this. 

Gotta go.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

A While Bunch of Awwwww F*ck!

Mornin’,

Notice I didn’t say good morning.

How quickly I settle into old habits. Because this job is essentially nine hours of working to a half hour break, I’m exhausted when I get home.

Part of that is that I’m old, part of it is that I’m post menopausal, part of it is that I’m fat, and part of it is just me. I am lazy at my core and I’m very well aware of that.

I’m struggling in the mornings and I’m struggling after work with getting my life in. And it probably seems crazy that I’m looking for a second job but I just need to get this money piece behind me and get money in savings.

In my short today, I brought up the old but familiar pattern of not liking the job that I’m in. And one could say well you’ve only been there for a week, so how do you really know? I know.

I could go on and on about why, but it serves no purpose. And it puts focus on the negative. I have come far enough and gone through enough, and the people I love have gone through it with me, in the last fucking, well actually a lifetime but for sure the last two years.M

I’m not about screwing people over anymore. I owe people who helped me through this money, I owe credit cards money, I owe the loan company money, I owe my old job money. I always feel the need to make sure that people understand I didn’t take any money from my old company. They give us our sick time once a year and I had used mine up before I actually earned it. So now I’m paying that back.

Last night, before we left, the kind of head administrative assistant I guess you’d call her, snapped at me. And I snapped right back. I did not deserve to get snapped at.

There are aspects of this job that I’m getting, but I have only been there for one week and they have this god-awful spreadsheet and I understand where to put the numbers in for the most part but then we have to verify the numbers and that’s where the shit show in my head starts. It is so convoluted the way they do this and it makes no sense to me. I’m not so arrogant that I assume that this would be the case for others as well. But it is the case for me, I do not get it and I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it and it’s supposed to be done every day when I leave, and I haven’t been able to finish it once.

And so I got snapped on, and I snapped back, and I said I was willing to stay later or come in early because she complained that she would have to come in early to do it. Write a fucking standard operating procedure. I have been blown away, I will say this, by the lack of training involved in the last couple jobs I’ve had. It’s like you come in on your first day, and they expect you to know everything and this mentality of just shove someone right into it and not train them properly blows me away because I have a background and training. I have a background in setting people up for success in their jobs.

The job I had at the school district I worked at, my boss was incredible about asking me to take on new tasks and showing me how to do them. He literally would walk me through step-by-step step-by-step. He would watch me do the task and if I had questions, he always was there to answer them.

It was incredibly empowering and I never felt ashamed or dumb or anything like that because his attitude was you can do this, but I need to set you up with the skills and the knowledge to be able to do it.

I am finding that that is not the norm. The norm is I’m gonna tell you once and then you’re just gonna do it. And I know that this girl is getting beyond frustrated with me.

And I see quite frankly, what they do to her and how she can’t even get her job done because they’re always coming at her with stuff and yesterday there was a question I guess about why she hadn’t gotten certain things done and she did tell our boss that with all the things he came at her with, she didn’t have time to do her own job.

We do not get 15 minute breaks, those are frowned on. I have to ask for permission practically to go to the bathroom. I am not a child.

OK, whatever. Right? Right? This is how this job is and I can’t change it and the only thing I can do is accept it for now because God dammit it gives me a fucking paycheck. It gives me a chance to get out out of the nightmare that I am in.

What I have done in the past, is to accept defeat. I accepted it and I don’t really do anything about it and I don’t try to look for another job and then I blow up and I quit and then we have chaos.

If nothing else, everything I have been through in the last couple years, which let’s face it, was me bringing me into situations, I have felt that these are not punishment situations, but learning situations.

I will look for another job, but I will continue to get to this one on time and be there all day and put up with this shit and just do my fucking job the best I can and to try to push myself to do better and to learn, and when I do get another job, I will get the fuck out of there.

There is no walk away this time. There is no room for self-righteous indignation. There is no quitting. There is only do.

So kind of a Debbie downer of a post and I apologize for that. It is what it is. I have very little time to get ready and so I’m gonna do that and get there and get through this day.

I am grateful for the opportunity to earn a paycheck and to know what it’s like this month to be able to pay the bills. At the end of the day, that is the immediate goal. That is where my Gratitude lies.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Fuckin’ Mondays Man

Good Morning!

Ugh, I did NOT want to get up this morning. Not at all and I had reset my alarm but then I got up anyways and I went for a walk and I did a YouTube mini dumbbell workout.

I don’t feel like it was much, but every day I do these things, I’m building resilience, consistency, and good habits.

You know, the just do it thing.

And already, I do not want to go into work. The thing that I remind myself of, is that no one wants to go into work. I mean, unless you really love your job with all your heart. This job is what is gonna pay my debt off. This job is what is gonna pay my rent and my bills. I got this, and I can do this.

Every day I go in, I am closer to achieving my dreams. This job may not be part of the end goal, but it is a part of getting me there.

I have had wonderful opportunities in my life and I have had wonderful jobs. This is a great paying job, and that’s an opportunity, Even if I don’t like what I’m doing.

Oh man, so I am out the door on time and I did manage what I wrote above, but also to take a shower and do my skin care and my hair care but that was about it. I have no food in the house because I ordered yesterday for forgetting that a lot of the stores I ordered from. We’re closed for Easter.

And so one of my stop, intentions went through the window, out the door, flushed right down the shitter.

I have no makeup on. Gone or the days when people tell me oh you don’t need makeup though. Your cheeks are so Rosie, your eyebrows are so dark and perfect. Your lips are so full.

Yeah, now I have a fucking pasty ass complexion, dark circles under my eyes, gray hairs poking out because I haven’t had time to touch up the color. Whatever.

Mondays suck at this job because we get a bunch of leads over the weekend and I have to deal with those all fucking day. But I am grateful to be earning money and on we go.

My big goal going forward into this day, is that I follow through with all the things I need to do tonight and don’t crash out on the couch.

I shall let you know tomorrow morning, how that all goes.

Be Blessed My Faithful Readers!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Selfish Fertilizer

 

Hi Everyone,

I suppose a Happy Easter is in order. Today feels to me much like any other Sunday as it's something I don't practice.

But I am excited to know that there are probaly millions of little kids doing easter egg hunts, waking up to baskets full of the good stuff.

I remember Mom having us make nests out of our clothes and we'd wake up, run downstairs and there would be a basket for each of us in our nest.

I miss those times.

I miss dying easter eggs as well.

At any rate, yes, Happy Easter.

I had a day yesterday.

Rather than write out specifics, I want to just say this; I can have all the plans in the world but the world does not stop just because I do. The world will throw in wrenches.

And I was pissed off about it yesterday. I struggled with the pissed offedness of it all.

I really did.

Because it kept me from staying on task and I woke up ready to go yesterday.

But I thought this through; one, it's OK to be selfish here because I am trying to shoot for consistency, accountability and a shot at going for my dream.

I realized yesterday, that Saturdays will require me to shut off my phone. Once I get a part time job, I'll be working the first part of the morning and then a bit into the afternoon and the rest of my Saturday? Videos and bath products. It's the only way I'm going to get shit done and still have my Sunday's to play or relax or cook or what have you.

Maybe I will actually put my phone on do not disturb because that way, my family can still get through.

The fun stuff needs to happen on Sundays. 

And it's OK to insist upon that and to be selfish about it. And to limit calls to 30 minutes because my rest day needs to be relaxing and/or fun so....

I love my people, I do, but I need to put myself first on some plane of existence if I'm going to get through what I'm realizing that in spite of a great deal of gratitude will kill me if I think of it in terms that I'll be doing this for the rest of my life.

No.

So selfishness is in order and I'm down.

And I'm not going to "announce it on FB". None of my friends take that into account anyway. People will start to figure it out.

Today, I incorporate both STOP and Just Do It...

Comes down to STOP the stupid shit, just do the important shit.

It's all shit but some shit is productive and some is dia-fucking-rrhea.

Some shit is fertilizer and promotes growth and some of it turns your fucking grass orange.

Alright, I've allowed myself a chill. peaceful morning but now I jump in and we shall just see.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

It All Could Change at Anytime

 

Hi All,

Here we are at Saturday. I'm moving slower than I intended for this morning but what'evs. The point is I'm getting stuff done.

I was told I'd hear yesterday if I got the job at Menards but I heard nothing. I don't think this means I didn't get it, I just think maybe the hiring manager got sidetracked.

I will call on Monday, she gave me her card.

But that means I have time to do shit I need to do.

I am currently uploading my Neecie's Journey to Better Health Update as I write and that will be posted shortly.

I'm planning on shooting the rest of the videos later because I just have so damn much to do.

Seriously.

It's a lot.

Ok, but other than that, I feel good. I'm happy I made it through my first week. I start to think things...and I don't let myself go there. It doesn't matter if I think I might not be able to do this forever. I have to do it for right now, it's new, I'm still learning and faith means that anything could change for the better at any time. 

That's one of the reasons I continue to post the short videos everyday, even if they only get 20 views or so. That's one of the reasons I'm forcing myself to be consistent with the long form videos for right now.

If it adds up to exactly nothing at all...well I've learned consistency. I've flexed those muscles and I've strengthened them and I can apply them in other areas of my life.

It is "acting as if" but it's also fortifying me for things I don't yet know are coming. 

Trust.

I'm happy to be awake, I'm happy I'm being productive and I look forward to a fulfilling day.

I hope you have that too.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Fall

Oh man, good morning!

I woke up at 3:39 and at 4, said fuck it and just got up. And I haven’t really done anything productive. What do you do?

I want to be a baller so bad. Just rip it out, knock’er out of the park, be a rockstar. But I’m tired.

I should hear today if I get the job at Menards. Within a month, my life will look very different. I’ll be working two jobs and I’ll be working on Willow’s Whimsy.

I did decide that I won’t quit the part time job until Willow’s Whimsy is making what I make at Menards (if I get the job). And even if that happens before my debt is paid off, I won’t quit until it is.

I’m talking every penny of it.

Because even though I’ll be making extra money at the part time gig, every single penny of that goes to debt. I won’t benefit materialistically from it.

I do want to take a short trip to Vegas next fall and a longer trip to Jersey so I can see my family.

I’ll fly to Vegas but imma drive in the dead of winter out to the east coast.

Maybe. We’ll see. If I do the East Coast trip, obviously I wanna see my mom and my sister and spend time with them, but I wanna get down to Southern jersey to see my auntie, to Delaware to see my other auntie and to Maryland to see my other sister and my niece and nephew. It’ll be a whirlwind, but a good one. 

I’m pretty much locked into having to take vacation time in our down season, which is anytime between mid November and mid March. They don’t say that, but you can tell they want us there when it’s the busy season and I get that.

And as for the other trips, the big kahuna trips as I like to call them, the ones where I would go overseas, those will come after the debt is paid off.

Because I want to go out with a bang, you know? Who knows if I’ll ever have grandkids and I’m just thinking, I’m closer to death than I am away from it and somehow, I am just praying that I get enough time to do some of the things I’ve dreamed of doing.

So backtracking to yesterday, I am struggling with a certain task at work and it’s the spreadsheet and then we have to do a tally and I get that most people would understand this. I eventually will because I’m someone who when I don’t get something, I’ll keep asking for help and then one day it’ll click and I’ll get it but it’s a conundrum and it involves numbers and counting and those are not my strong points.

If I could redo it in a way that made sense to me, that would be great, but that’s not Real Life. I have to figure this out.

Other than that, this week has gone very good and I am grateful that today is the last day and I get a weekend. If I get the job at Menards, they may ask me to come in for training tomorrow, I don’t know. I guess I’ll find out today if I get the job.

I came home from work yesterday, and my daughter was here with her Bestie and her besties son. They had done all the dishes, vacuumed the apartment, and cleaned my daughter’s room. I was so grateful.

And I remained grateful this morning as I got up and everything was in place and looked nice. That helps with the clutter in my mind so much.

I have paid attention to my behaviors this week and going into next week. There is going to need to be way more consistency. Consistency with what I eat and how I eat it and when I eat it, consistency with exercise, and consistency with my morning and evening routines.

I know that micromanaging my life is maybe not the best way to do things, but because I have been so lazy and so depressed and overwhelmed for the last four months, I feel like micro management is OK. There will come a time for spontaneity and some relief from all of this.

Right now, though, it’s go time.

I will focus on what I’m dealing with in each moment and not what I hope will come because often times, what comes is not what how we pictured it anyways.

But I also have come to see and believe, and have faith in the fact that what comes is usually better than what my plans are anyway.

Today I am grateful for the fall of Pam Bondi and in celebration of her fall from grace, I wrote this poem for her and put it on my Facebook:

Pam oh Pam

I just read the news

You’re out of a job

You’re singin’ the blues

You thought you were special

We thought you a fool

You thought you were badass

We thought you a ghoul

Now you have nothing

Can’t get your job back

Is your tongue brown and orange

From licking Donnie’s crack

You’re a merciless cow

A shrew mean and pasty

Better rethink your goals

Don’t be too hasty

For you are used goods

Donnie threw out his trash

Sorry not sorry

For your dethroning crash

I hope you learned a lesson

But I seriously have my doubts

I think you’ll find you’re a plague

And that bitch, you ain’t got no clout

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out Pammie.

SEE ya!

Lol.

I hope y’all have a great day!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie