Ulcer?

Hi Everyone,

I have been through it in the past 8 hours or so.

I stopped taking my omeprazole last week because I didn’t want to use a credit card to get more and that was my first mistake.

Pain within a few days. So I got some and started feeling better but not “normal” better. 

And then yesterday, well it was Monday and Monday’s at work are horrid and they brought in all this food for the 20 year anniversary of the place and I went to town. Let’s just shove all this stress down with food, cover it up with carbs and sugar and cheap pizza. I felt bloated at work but ok. 

Same at night.

The most intense pain woke me up around midnight.

Excruciating.

The only reason I don’t go to the hospital was the money. No insurance.

I took like 4 omeprazole and slowly started feeling better. I’m light headed this morning.

I did speak to a doctor at my usual clinic and they said I’ll probably have to have another endoscopy.

No insurance.

Anyways, I’m going to try and drastically change some things and see if that helps first.

If I drop dead in the process, I drop dead. I don’t want to die but I also can’t go on like this.

I’m miserable.

I’m sad.

I feel like my heart broke somewhere in all of this. Disappointment in myself and how my life has turned out, frustration that I’ve made no progress.

For now, I’m going back to bed. When I get up, I’ll come up with a plan.

No I didn’t quit my job.

Back to the hell hole tomorrow.

If I don’t drop dead.

Ha!

Just my mood today.

But I hope all of you have a good day.

I hope you are blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

All Morning

Good Morning!

I think I slept ok! I went to sleep around 8:30ish or maybe 9 and I did wake up a couple times but I go back to sleep ok. I woke up at 3:55 and stayed up but I forced myself to stay in bed until 5. I want my body to get used to the fact that 9-5 is sleepy time.

Consistency.

I had a full day yesterday.

I got a lot done.

I need to keep that train going.

I had lunch with my sister too.

You have to fit the good stuff in too and knocking it out of the park is the good stuff but fam and friends is much needed as well.

I already have to go. I've spent all morning uploading and scheduling my long form videos to publish so off I go.

Love my sibs.

Here is yesterday's Neecie's Journey to Better Health:

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Wonky Ass

Well Hello,

I know not why some days like yesterday, I lay about like a slug or a bug in a rug and days like today, I get the fuck up and do the thing.

Best only to question it when I’m in slug mode lest I digress back into it when I’m in go mode.

I hate my fucking job.

K.

Now that I’ve got that established, shall we move past?

I’m hitting it hard this morning. Showered, curled my hair for my videos, went to Targetvfor some groceries, got gas. 

About to put some makeup on and shoot those damn videos and then hopefully have time to rollerskate, but if not, I will drop my daughter off at work, then go back and rollerskate and then I will stop by my roommate’s place and say good morning or hello or whatever if he’s not working and then I will go out to my sisters.

I can’t stay there all day because I need to come back and do food prep and I do need a little downtime and preparing for my day and my week.

I need to get into bed on time as I am really shooting for consistency with my morning routine and as far as my evening routine, I’m kind of like fuck that for now except getting into bed on time.

Emotionally I have been all over the place. I have had some wonky ass dreams and I think I wrote earlier about the fact that I’m having dreams about people from my past. It’s like I’m revisiting my life in a way. It’s mainly the big players who are no longer in my life that I’m dreaming about.

Two of the people who I feel really bad about, I have already made amends too, and they want nothing to do with me and I’m at peace with that. Two of the people I dreamt about the night before last, I could care less about.

There are some people who I may be knew or met once, or I knew them for a summer, I was always meeting new people. I will never see those people again, I don’t even remember their names. So I just try to send out love and light to them.

Dwelling on the past, especially mistakes and things we have regrets about, does no good. As much as I think about it, sometimes, I know we can’t go back, but even if we could, who knows how things would end up if I was able to change them. For real, who knows? Maybe I wouldn’t have my children, maybe I’d be dead, maybe I wouldn’t have had some of the beautiful experiences I’ve had in my life. 

Acceptance is a big part of living free. I’m not gonna lie, I hate the way my life is right now.

I don’t care what anyone says, and I don’t care how most people are. I am someone who struggles with the box. The box is slavery to me.

I am trying to acclimate because I guess that’s what we’re supposed to do. But it crushes me and it always will.

And that is why I write this blog, why I shoot videos, why I still hold onto the dream of Willow’s whimsy in whatever form it turns out being. I want to be the author of my life, not what society says I should fucking do.

But I also really do want to be self-sufficient and bring joy instead of worry to the people I love.

I don’t think they worry about the whole drug abuse thing anymore, but they worry about me in general and just how I am. I do know that living the life I wanna live does not mean that others take care of me financially.

I go down so many rabbit holes.

So I’m gonna go now and get my shit done and shoot my videos and see if I have time to rollerskate.

I sure hope I do.

I’ll be back, I always am. Unless, you know, for some reason I drop dead. 

Let’s hope that doesn’t happen today.

I hope you have a great Sunday.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Lesson Learned

Oh Man! Happy Saturday!

To not have to go into that place. Sadly, I didn’t sleep well but I’m not going to let that ruin my day.

You guys. I came home last night and cleaned the entire apartment. To wake up and not have to worry about that today is…it’s amazing.

So it’s a perfect day to stay inside and get stuff done. It’s cold out. It’s going to be cold out tomorrow too.

Tomorrow, I am going rollerskating, then stopping by my former roomie’s place for a visit and then I’m gonna go out to my sister’s.

I think I am definitely going to need more sleep. This is my fault, I drank a coffee way too late.

Lesson learned. I mean, I’ve learned it already but now I’m going to resist.

Not if I want my Saturdays to be productive.

The first thing to do is to accept that I have to go back to sleep. I’ll set my alarm.

Then it’s on.

I’m not going on a list today but I know what I want to do.

Ok, time to lay down.

I hope you all enjoy your day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Fight

Good Morning!

It’s Friday. I get out early. Yay. 

Yesterday was the day from hell. First, I ran out of my medication, it’s just an OTC but I’ve been too lazy to pick some up and it’s for acid reflux. I was in so much pain by about 10AM and I started dry heaving. I really haven’t eaten all that much in the last few days and so there was nothing to throw up. 

It was horrible. I’d get a wave of nausea and try to puke something up but to no avail. I sounded like a cat when they’re trying to get up a hairball.

Anyways, they informed me yesterday that I am to do 3-5 hours a day of cold calling.

I was literally told in the interview that there would be no cold calling. And it does not make sense, you have to understand how they are honest about scheduling and we’re only supposed to schedule for a week out at a time and we are full. Today I go in knowing that we have just a few openings for next week and they’re gonna be upset if we fill them but we fill them 50 miles away from each other. It doesn’t work like that, we cannot control who calls in and where they live.

I may sound like a complete and total whiner, but I did this for about a half hour yesterday and luckily people kept calling in and we kept getting other leads and those are our priorities so I didn’t have to do too much of it but they tell us to call them and basically lie and say we’re doing a follow up to the request you made last summer and they did not make a request last summer. My boss claims that these are from previous lists, but the person could’ve inquired 10 years ago. There was only one person who is willing to talk to me and he did schedule an appointment, but the rest of them called me a liar, One called me a Cunt and told me I’m ruining his life.

I know, don’t take it personally, but when it’s over and over and over and this is not something I ever wanted to do and quite frankly would not have taken the job if they had told me I’d be doing it, I feel like I’m trapped in hell.

I did sleep last night. I have no idea for how long but I went to bed probably around 10 at the latest and woke up around 2:30, was up for an hour and slept till six. I do think the magnesium glycinate is helping. So that’s good. We will see if that continues.

But my daughter made us dinner and I ate a little bit and I had gotten my medication so now I feel better from that but at the time, I couldn’t eat yet.

I’m feeling a lot of things and I don’t wanna write them down because it’s just so dramatic. I do still suffer from big feelings about things, I’m just able to usually put them in perspective, but this job has thrown me for a loop and I will go so far as to say I feel I’m being punished.

I’m OK with not liking a job. But it shouldn’t be torture. I’m going to go under at the bank because I only got paid for the one week so far and I don’t get another paycheck for another week.

Very close to being on a budget and being able to stick to it and I am trying so hard to focus on that.

This weekend, I will be applying for jobs like crazy. The one thing I know now, because I found another job similar to the one I’m in, except that I would not be making phone calls at all, I would be in office manager. But I learned that I have to ask questions and I’m going to and if I don’t get hired because of it, that’s fine.

I’ve been sitting on something and it’s jealousy. It’s ugly. But on our website, we have pictures of jobs we’ve done and there’s this one house that I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s not a house, it’s not even a mansion, it’s an estate and it is fucking gorgeous. And so I said to my immediate boss, oh my God that house on the website and she asked me if it was the one with the rolling Hills and I said yes, and she said that’s our owner‘s house.

The weird one, the one who hasn’t even introduced himself to me and goes running and won’t let his calendar be on the schedule, the one we have to do a special kind of appointment setting for.

And all I can think of is Donald Trump. And how he wants us all to be slaves, and I feel like I’m a slave so this guy can live that kind of life, a life I will never have or understand.

It’s really hard right now. I’m in a dark place.

For my mental health sake, I have to get the fuck out of there. It’s not like me to fight, not actively. I’ll keep going and I’ll keep doing whatever and then I’ll fall apart. I don’t want that to happen so I have to actively fight to get the fuck out of there.

All right, well I better go, or I’ll be late to work. I’m hoping that if my sleep can regulate itself enough for me not to wake up and to get a good six hours straight in, then I’ll be able to get up early again.

I hope that all of you have a good day. Everyone deserves a good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise

Chelated

 Hi Everyone,

Isn't that little baby in the picture so sweet? Not me, the pup. That's my sister's dog. Her name is Chatty and she is such a dear little girl.

We like each other. We love each other. 

My family gets so lucky with their animals. No matter what, there will always be animals in my life.

So...I got some sleep. I woke up at around 3:30 and didn't go back to sleep but before that, it was pretty good.

I didn't put my fitbit back on because it was pissing me off so much. 

But I think I got some sleep. I wasn't very wakeful that I can recall.

I feel tired but...I feel ok too.

This job is kicking my ass.

I did apply for a MN State job.

I keep telling myself, that's my job but I haven't heard back. I think it's still open until the 20th so I don't expect to hear until then.

The whole job search thing would be so much easier if I could just get some damn good sleep.

Oh! I read that most magnesium doesn't work for sleep because it's not chelated. 

Chelated magnesium is a highly absorbable form of magnesium bound to amino acids (often glycine) to form a stable complex. This "claw-like" binding protects the mineral as it passes through the digestive tract, resulting in higher bioavailability, improved absorption, and fewer gastrointestinal side effects (like laxative effects) compared to non-chelated forms like magnesium oxide. 

What It Means: Enhanced Absorption

• Structure: Magnesium is attached to a carrier molecule (ligand), such as glycine, taurine, or malate.
• Stability: Because it is bonded to carrier molecules, it is less likely to break down and cause digestive issues
  .

Ok, now I have weird bullet points I don't want and don't know how to get rid of. Anyways, regarding the magnesium; I took one pill of this stuff and I was woozy. The effect didn't last long but I did get right to sleep when my head hit the pillow last night.

You guys, my damn neck has been itching for the past two weeks. I notice that as my skin gets looser there (aging), I sweat at night and I think this is what is causing it so I'm constantly rinsing it off when I go to pee or get up first thing in the morning. The sweating only happens at night.

Man, aging sucks, there's no way around it. All that, "my wrinkles tell the story of me" shit? Yeah, you can have that there story. I want nothing to do with that story. I tell the story of me, not my damn wrinkles.

So the owner of the company I'm at? He's weird. He goes out on sales calls too but he got upset that his calendar showed so we have to set up his appointments different. Like dude...I don't give a shit about your calendar. What am I gonna do? See that you have it scheduled to go to the gym and judge you?

I haven't met him. He's been there when I'm there and he hasn't introduced himself to me. Yesterday, I went into the copy room, which don't get me started...but he was in there and that guy couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Awkward.

Yeah, I don't want to be there but the paychecks are awfully damn nice.

It's control and micromanagement all the way. My immediate boss, she doesn't think so but I've worked in other settings, in really good, encouraging settings and this is definitely micro-management. I don't get breaks except for my lunch, even going to the shitter is a big deal.

I'm the only one who has to ask to leave my desk and only the really sweet girl agrees to cover for me; if the other two do, it's with an attitude, yet they take breaks and it's not all the time or anything like that, they do their job but seriously?

Ok, I'm done bitching. At least tomorrow, we leave at 3.

I'm hoping to have the energy to apply for at least one replacement, full time job tonight and one part time job.

Menards passed on me.

Fuckers.

Okie, I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

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Losing It

It’s 2:54 in the morning. I’ve been up for about an hour and a half. My ear hurts. I even had to poop. Everything about my body and its habits is changing. I used to be able to count on only going number 2 in the morning. Now it’s the mother loads in the morning and then little guys on and off all day and apparently now in the middle of the night.

And no sleep. So then I cry.

I just want to sleep.

Ok I’m back. I was so pissed off about the sleep thing and my resting heart rate going up so ridiculously high that I ripped off my Fitbit. I’m done.

I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. I went to bed on time. I finally turned the light on and read for a while and then I noticed a spider on my ceiling. I watched him or her for quite a while, hoping they would come down on the wall so I could get at them. I finally went to the bathroom and when I came back, there was no spider. I figured that it got on my bed.

But because it wasn’t massive, and because I was so flipping tired, I decided I don’t care and I’m just gonna go to sleep, but as I reached over to turn my light off, there it was on my pillow, so I flicked it off.

You guys, this not sleeping thing is not good. All I do is cry. That, and I seem to be having a visit down the past. I think about so many things and I feel so bad about who I used to be and some of the things I did that hurt people.

I have to stop this.

I have to get some sleep. It’s funny, because I do get sleep sometimes, but it needs to be consistent because I’m losing my shit psychologically.

I have to go, I have to get to work, but I hope you all have a good day and just know that we’re reaching the point where I am finally willing to do some things consistently to help myself.

The good news is that I don’t seem to want to self sabotage. No thoughts of revisiting past choices if you know what I mean.

So if I go.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Call the Shit OUT

Good Morning!

I was so worried about the storms they predicted yesterday and nada, not even any thunder.

I think it’s safe to say at this point, that the meteorologists in Minnesota are all smoking crack. 

So a lot happened at work yesterday. 

I got talked to about that fucking spreadsheet I can’t seem to work my head around.

And as my boss was going over it with me, she’s making passive aggressive comments.

I called that shit out.

She ended up telling me that since she’s been with this company, my position has been filled at least 30 times.

So you know what? That told me everything I need to know. I do think I’m struggling and I do think some of it is me and the way my brain works but I also think…hmmmm, 30 times?

Really?

That speak volumes.

Wouldn’t an employer look at that and especially one who worships the almighty dollar the way they do and say, “Wow, this is costing me a Lot.”

Training, and I use that word lightly, costs a company $$. But when you try to take shortcuts with it, that training costs more if you lose the employee.

Look, I told them they’ll have to fire me, that I’m not going to walk out willingly.

Or you know, on my own. I paid my fucking bills this week and I want to pay my rent at the end of the month so I have to keep going.

Whatever.

I don’t know, they might fire me today. They might not. My days of being quiet are over. I’m a fucking human being, I’m not a robot.

I understand why they pay so much now, that’s for sure. Dangle a carrot in front of the horse and the horse will perform. I love horses. I wouldn’t do that to a horse.

Blah fucking blah. I gotta go power get ready.

Pumpkin took a huge shit and I can’t not smell it.

That cat shits the size of a human.

Ha!

One of the many reasons I love her.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Insomnia

Hi Everyone,

I have to be careful what I write today.

Because I’m going through it. 

Big time. 

Saturday night I had a nightmare and that one dream brought up all the ick in me that I’ve been stuffing down. Memories I’d put aside, feelings I’d put aside. Ugh. And just trauma. It’s all right here in the surface.

I didn’t get much sleep.

And so I had a wasted day, other then two conversations, one with my bestie and one with someone in the dream. I’m really glad I called her.

I was on the couch all day, on the verge of tears.

And last night? Another nightmare, a dream about someone else I’ve fallen out of touch with. She was a friend long, long ago.

And so no sleep again.

And tears. Pumpkin comes when I cry and she head bumps me and kisses me. She hates it when I cry.

I think it’s safe to say I’m losing my shit.

So I have to figure out this sleep thing.

Because I have no insurance, I’m going to have to see if I can get a prescription fo the meds I was taking before without seeing the doctor. And I’m gonna start taking the edibles for awhile.

Anything to just sleep.

And as soon as I can find a job with insurance, I’m getting therapy and I’m getting help with this bulkshit sleep fuckery.

I’ve talked about the fact that Xanax is the only thing that ever really worked but no doctor will prescribe it on an ongoing basis anymore.

As far as addiction to it goes…who cares if I get physically addicted or have to increase due to tolerance. I’ve got what? 20 years left? Geez. Help me make them good ones.

As long as I take them as prescribed who cares if I develop a physical addiction? It’s not like I’m 20 and experiencing this.

But I’m Denise Motherfucking Johnson and so I’ll go on.

I do start to have dark thoughts as each night gets worse, and each day gets harder due to lack of sleep.

But the thing is, I don’t really want to leave just yet. I don’t think I ever want to. 

It’s just so hard. All these emotions.

And bear with me as I say this, I think this all came up because I started working. I’m not saying I shouldn’t be working. I think that going through what I just did financially, and feeling so isolated and then all of a sudden, just jumping into this job and having some sense of financial security, I think all of that mixed together brought all of this up. It was the perfect cocktail of bullshit.

And so here we are. And here I am.

And I have to get through this and figure out the sleep thing. It’s number one because without sleep, it will all come toppling down again.

Anyways, I do need to go get ready for work. Mondays are extremely hard at work because I have to catch up on the leads from the weekend and it’s just a lot.

I got this, I can do this.

I hope all of you have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Arse In Me Face

 

Gooooooood Morning Faithful Readers,

I am here to tell you that y'girl got in 8 hours of sleep last night. Don't know how the hell that happened but it did and I'll take it with gratitude.

Pumpkin is on the desk with me with her arse in me face. She's loving on a box of envelopes.

It's my bestie's birthday today. It was right around this time 50 years ago, that our friendship began.

And what a friendship it's been.

I will miss her today as she lives on the west coast.

Wah.

But I do have some fish to fry so to speak and so I'll focus on that. 

There are many things that need to happen today but I'm going into it knowing that they can't all possibly happen. 

I'll just tell ya all about that shit tomorrow after today is behind me.

I would like to just do the fun stuff tomorrow.

We shall see.

So now I go to make my list and prioritize it.

I wish you all a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Manifesting

 

Good Morning!

How is everyone?

I am better than yesterday. So there is that. 

I got my first paycheck and it was a great reminder of why I'm going to continue at this job. I mean, they can fire me but I'm not gonna quit.

I cannot multi-task and this job requires almost 8 hours straight a day of multi-tasking.

Sleep is a big issue for me with this. I'm just better if I can get in over 6 hours of sleep and that only happened once this week. And then there's my resting heart rate which has skyrocketed in the past 2 weeks.

So I'm stressed and well aware.

I just don't fully know what to do about that.

My stomach was acting up yesterday too and I shit all day long. Don't know how else to say that, so better to just be blunt.

It turns out I do want to feel sorry for myself, I do feel like I'm being singled out by the Universe but something occurred to me yesterday.

If you think about manifestation and putting energy into certain things, I keep finding these kinds of jobs because somewhere along the line, I stopped believing I could be successful anywhere else.

This job, for now, is a means to an end.

I can do all the things I am wanting to do and have this job. But once I've achieved certain goals, I'll have built up confidence and I think the Universe will give me something better....I just need to believe I'm worth it.

What you think is what you manifest.

And btw, speaking of energy. I went down the serial killer hole yesterday. Rex Heuerman pled guilty to 8 murders. Although many suspected, based on evidence, that he was the one, he really is the one, the Gilgo Beach serial killer. I don't think he's the last of a dying breed, but I do think he's probably one of the last of the real scary ones, with multiple victims...I'm glad they got him. He's right where he needs to be.

So here we go, another day, another dollar...or two...or three.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

TGIF!!!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Self Pity and the Universe

I am breathing deep.

Oh, and hello.

Something is up with my computer. Not enough time now to go into it or to try and fix it.

I have to get to work and I am lucky that I had enough time to shower and get dressed.

I wanted to get this started on the computer and I'll finish in the car.

I have to do voice texting so things may be spelled wrong and the wrong words inserted.

Just so you know.

I’m at work and I give no fucks. I technically don’t start until our morning meeting.

I am really negative this morning.

There is only one option and that is to get through this job. To apply for others and hang in until I get an offer. 

Please don’t think this is me not being grateful. Gratitude is the reason I’m here today. Gratitude is the reason I’m sticking this out.

It’s ok to feel my feelings. I just can’t act on them. 

I want to ask why? Why can’t I land a job doing what I can and want to do? The stress of this position is giving me heart palpitations. Literally. I woke up at one last night and my heart was racing and I couldn’t catch my breath.

The self pitying part of me wants to think the Universe is punishing me and that this is my karma compass behavior.

At the end of the day, I don’t think I’m that important. The Universe doesn’t have time to wreak revenge upon me.

It just is what it is.

But I want out of this and for once in my life, I have to do this the right way.

I have to push through all this. 

Gotta go.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

A While Bunch of Awwwww F*ck!

Mornin’,

Notice I didn’t say good morning.

How quickly I settle into old habits. Because this job is essentially nine hours of working to a half hour break, I’m exhausted when I get home.

Part of that is that I’m old, part of it is that I’m post menopausal, part of it is that I’m fat, and part of it is just me. I am lazy at my core and I’m very well aware of that.

I’m struggling in the mornings and I’m struggling after work with getting my life in. And it probably seems crazy that I’m looking for a second job but I just need to get this money piece behind me and get money in savings.

In my short today, I brought up the old but familiar pattern of not liking the job that I’m in. And one could say well you’ve only been there for a week, so how do you really know? I know.

I could go on and on about why, but it serves no purpose. And it puts focus on the negative. I have come far enough and gone through enough, and the people I love have gone through it with me, in the last fucking, well actually a lifetime but for sure the last two years.M

I’m not about screwing people over anymore. I owe people who helped me through this money, I owe credit cards money, I owe the loan company money, I owe my old job money. I always feel the need to make sure that people understand I didn’t take any money from my old company. They give us our sick time once a year and I had used mine up before I actually earned it. So now I’m paying that back.

Last night, before we left, the kind of head administrative assistant I guess you’d call her, snapped at me. And I snapped right back. I did not deserve to get snapped at.

There are aspects of this job that I’m getting, but I have only been there for one week and they have this god-awful spreadsheet and I understand where to put the numbers in for the most part but then we have to verify the numbers and that’s where the shit show in my head starts. It is so convoluted the way they do this and it makes no sense to me. I’m not so arrogant that I assume that this would be the case for others as well. But it is the case for me, I do not get it and I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it and it’s supposed to be done every day when I leave, and I haven’t been able to finish it once.

And so I got snapped on, and I snapped back, and I said I was willing to stay later or come in early because she complained that she would have to come in early to do it. Write a fucking standard operating procedure. I have been blown away, I will say this, by the lack of training involved in the last couple jobs I’ve had. It’s like you come in on your first day, and they expect you to know everything and this mentality of just shove someone right into it and not train them properly blows me away because I have a background and training. I have a background in setting people up for success in their jobs.

The job I had at the school district I worked at, my boss was incredible about asking me to take on new tasks and showing me how to do them. He literally would walk me through step-by-step step-by-step. He would watch me do the task and if I had questions, he always was there to answer them.

It was incredibly empowering and I never felt ashamed or dumb or anything like that because his attitude was you can do this, but I need to set you up with the skills and the knowledge to be able to do it.

I am finding that that is not the norm. The norm is I’m gonna tell you once and then you’re just gonna do it. And I know that this girl is getting beyond frustrated with me.

And I see quite frankly, what they do to her and how she can’t even get her job done because they’re always coming at her with stuff and yesterday there was a question I guess about why she hadn’t gotten certain things done and she did tell our boss that with all the things he came at her with, she didn’t have time to do her own job.

We do not get 15 minute breaks, those are frowned on. I have to ask for permission practically to go to the bathroom. I am not a child.

OK, whatever. Right? Right? This is how this job is and I can’t change it and the only thing I can do is accept it for now because God dammit it gives me a fucking paycheck. It gives me a chance to get out out of the nightmare that I am in.

What I have done in the past, is to accept defeat. I accepted it and I don’t really do anything about it and I don’t try to look for another job and then I blow up and I quit and then we have chaos.

If nothing else, everything I have been through in the last couple years, which let’s face it, was me bringing me into situations, I have felt that these are not punishment situations, but learning situations.

I will look for another job, but I will continue to get to this one on time and be there all day and put up with this shit and just do my fucking job the best I can and to try to push myself to do better and to learn, and when I do get another job, I will get the fuck out of there.

There is no walk away this time. There is no room for self-righteous indignation. There is no quitting. There is only do.

So kind of a Debbie downer of a post and I apologize for that. It is what it is. I have very little time to get ready and so I’m gonna do that and get there and get through this day.

I am grateful for the opportunity to earn a paycheck and to know what it’s like this month to be able to pay the bills. At the end of the day, that is the immediate goal. That is where my Gratitude lies.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Fuckin’ Mondays Man

Good Morning!

Ugh, I did NOT want to get up this morning. Not at all and I had reset my alarm but then I got up anyways and I went for a walk and I did a YouTube mini dumbbell workout.

I don’t feel like it was much, but every day I do these things, I’m building resilience, consistency, and good habits.

You know, the just do it thing.

And already, I do not want to go into work. The thing that I remind myself of, is that no one wants to go into work. I mean, unless you really love your job with all your heart. This job is what is gonna pay my debt off. This job is what is gonna pay my rent and my bills. I got this, and I can do this.

Every day I go in, I am closer to achieving my dreams. This job may not be part of the end goal, but it is a part of getting me there.

I have had wonderful opportunities in my life and I have had wonderful jobs. This is a great paying job, and that’s an opportunity, Even if I don’t like what I’m doing.

Oh man, so I am out the door on time and I did manage what I wrote above, but also to take a shower and do my skin care and my hair care but that was about it. I have no food in the house because I ordered yesterday for forgetting that a lot of the stores I ordered from. We’re closed for Easter.

And so one of my stop, intentions went through the window, out the door, flushed right down the shitter.

I have no makeup on. Gone or the days when people tell me oh you don’t need makeup though. Your cheeks are so Rosie, your eyebrows are so dark and perfect. Your lips are so full.

Yeah, now I have a fucking pasty ass complexion, dark circles under my eyes, gray hairs poking out because I haven’t had time to touch up the color. Whatever.

Mondays suck at this job because we get a bunch of leads over the weekend and I have to deal with those all fucking day. But I am grateful to be earning money and on we go.

My big goal going forward into this day, is that I follow through with all the things I need to do tonight and don’t crash out on the couch.

I shall let you know tomorrow morning, how that all goes.

Be Blessed My Faithful Readers!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Selfish Fertilizer

 

Hi Everyone,

I suppose a Happy Easter is in order. Today feels to me much like any other Sunday as it's something I don't practice.

But I am excited to know that there are probaly millions of little kids doing easter egg hunts, waking up to baskets full of the good stuff.

I remember Mom having us make nests out of our clothes and we'd wake up, run downstairs and there would be a basket for each of us in our nest.

I miss those times.

I miss dying easter eggs as well.

At any rate, yes, Happy Easter.

I had a day yesterday.

Rather than write out specifics, I want to just say this; I can have all the plans in the world but the world does not stop just because I do. The world will throw in wrenches.

And I was pissed off about it yesterday. I struggled with the pissed offedness of it all.

I really did.

Because it kept me from staying on task and I woke up ready to go yesterday.

But I thought this through; one, it's OK to be selfish here because I am trying to shoot for consistency, accountability and a shot at going for my dream.

I realized yesterday, that Saturdays will require me to shut off my phone. Once I get a part time job, I'll be working the first part of the morning and then a bit into the afternoon and the rest of my Saturday? Videos and bath products. It's the only way I'm going to get shit done and still have my Sunday's to play or relax or cook or what have you.

Maybe I will actually put my phone on do not disturb because that way, my family can still get through.

The fun stuff needs to happen on Sundays. 

And it's OK to insist upon that and to be selfish about it. And to limit calls to 30 minutes because my rest day needs to be relaxing and/or fun so....

I love my people, I do, but I need to put myself first on some plane of existence if I'm going to get through what I'm realizing that in spite of a great deal of gratitude will kill me if I think of it in terms that I'll be doing this for the rest of my life.

No.

So selfishness is in order and I'm down.

And I'm not going to "announce it on FB". None of my friends take that into account anyway. People will start to figure it out.

Today, I incorporate both STOP and Just Do It...

Comes down to STOP the stupid shit, just do the important shit.

It's all shit but some shit is productive and some is dia-fucking-rrhea.

Some shit is fertilizer and promotes growth and some of it turns your fucking grass orange.

Alright, I've allowed myself a chill. peaceful morning but now I jump in and we shall just see.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

It All Could Change at Anytime

 

Hi All,

Here we are at Saturday. I'm moving slower than I intended for this morning but what'evs. The point is I'm getting stuff done.

I was told I'd hear yesterday if I got the job at Menards but I heard nothing. I don't think this means I didn't get it, I just think maybe the hiring manager got sidetracked.

I will call on Monday, she gave me her card.

But that means I have time to do shit I need to do.

I am currently uploading my Neecie's Journey to Better Health Update as I write and that will be posted shortly.

I'm planning on shooting the rest of the videos later because I just have so damn much to do.

Seriously.

It's a lot.

Ok, but other than that, I feel good. I'm happy I made it through my first week. I start to think things...and I don't let myself go there. It doesn't matter if I think I might not be able to do this forever. I have to do it for right now, it's new, I'm still learning and faith means that anything could change for the better at any time. 

That's one of the reasons I continue to post the short videos everyday, even if they only get 20 views or so. That's one of the reasons I'm forcing myself to be consistent with the long form videos for right now.

If it adds up to exactly nothing at all...well I've learned consistency. I've flexed those muscles and I've strengthened them and I can apply them in other areas of my life.

It is "acting as if" but it's also fortifying me for things I don't yet know are coming. 

Trust.

I'm happy to be awake, I'm happy I'm being productive and I look forward to a fulfilling day.

I hope you have that too.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Fall

Oh man, good morning!

I woke up at 3:39 and at 4, said fuck it and just got up. And I haven’t really done anything productive. What do you do?

I want to be a baller so bad. Just rip it out, knock’er out of the park, be a rockstar. But I’m tired.

I should hear today if I get the job at Menards. Within a month, my life will look very different. I’ll be working two jobs and I’ll be working on Willow’s Whimsy.

I did decide that I won’t quit the part time job until Willow’s Whimsy is making what I make at Menards (if I get the job). And even if that happens before my debt is paid off, I won’t quit until it is.

I’m talking every penny of it.

Because even though I’ll be making extra money at the part time gig, every single penny of that goes to debt. I won’t benefit materialistically from it.

I do want to take a short trip to Vegas next fall and a longer trip to Jersey so I can see my family.

I’ll fly to Vegas but imma drive in the dead of winter out to the east coast.

Maybe. We’ll see. If I do the East Coast trip, obviously I wanna see my mom and my sister and spend time with them, but I wanna get down to Southern jersey to see my auntie, to Delaware to see my other auntie and to Maryland to see my other sister and my niece and nephew. It’ll be a whirlwind, but a good one. 

I’m pretty much locked into having to take vacation time in our down season, which is anytime between mid November and mid March. They don’t say that, but you can tell they want us there when it’s the busy season and I get that.

And as for the other trips, the big kahuna trips as I like to call them, the ones where I would go overseas, those will come after the debt is paid off.

Because I want to go out with a bang, you know? Who knows if I’ll ever have grandkids and I’m just thinking, I’m closer to death than I am away from it and somehow, I am just praying that I get enough time to do some of the things I’ve dreamed of doing.

So backtracking to yesterday, I am struggling with a certain task at work and it’s the spreadsheet and then we have to do a tally and I get that most people would understand this. I eventually will because I’m someone who when I don’t get something, I’ll keep asking for help and then one day it’ll click and I’ll get it but it’s a conundrum and it involves numbers and counting and those are not my strong points.

If I could redo it in a way that made sense to me, that would be great, but that’s not Real Life. I have to figure this out.

Other than that, this week has gone very good and I am grateful that today is the last day and I get a weekend. If I get the job at Menards, they may ask me to come in for training tomorrow, I don’t know. I guess I’ll find out today if I get the job.

I came home from work yesterday, and my daughter was here with her Bestie and her besties son. They had done all the dishes, vacuumed the apartment, and cleaned my daughter’s room. I was so grateful.

And I remained grateful this morning as I got up and everything was in place and looked nice. That helps with the clutter in my mind so much.

I have paid attention to my behaviors this week and going into next week. There is going to need to be way more consistency. Consistency with what I eat and how I eat it and when I eat it, consistency with exercise, and consistency with my morning and evening routines.

I know that micromanaging my life is maybe not the best way to do things, but because I have been so lazy and so depressed and overwhelmed for the last four months, I feel like micro management is OK. There will come a time for spontaneity and some relief from all of this.

Right now, though, it’s go time.

I will focus on what I’m dealing with in each moment and not what I hope will come because often times, what comes is not what how we pictured it anyways.

But I also have come to see and believe, and have faith in the fact that what comes is usually better than what my plans are anyway.

Today I am grateful for the fall of Pam Bondi and in celebration of her fall from grace, I wrote this poem for her and put it on my Facebook:

Pam oh Pam

I just read the news

You’re out of a job

You’re singin’ the blues

You thought you were special

We thought you a fool

You thought you were badass

We thought you a ghoul

Now you have nothing

Can’t get your job back

Is your tongue brown and orange

From licking Donnie’s crack

You’re a merciless cow

A shrew mean and pasty

Better rethink your goals

Don’t be too hasty

For you are used goods

Donnie threw out his trash

Sorry not sorry

For your dethroning crash

I hope you learned a lesson

But I seriously have my doubts

I think you’ll find you’re a plague

And that bitch, you ain’t got no clout

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out Pammie.

SEE ya!

Lol.

I hope y’all have a great day!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Forklift Fury

Good Morning!

Uffdah, I am so tired. I did sleep last night so that’s good. 

I had the interview for the second job last night, right after work. It was the fastest interview I’ve ever had. The gal I interviewed with is very nice but also matter of fact.

I’d be mostly reviving and stocking. And that’s what I want. Something that requires movement.

I should know by tomorrow.

The thing I find hilarious is that if I get it, I’ll have to learn how to drive a forklift.

Me…on a forklift.

Watch out, I might go rogue; just head out the doors and toot on down the highway.

It’ll be a slow cop chase, just like OJ. I’ll have cops from all surrounding counties following me down the highway. People will start posting stories about how they know or knew me.

Dying.

I guess I really should get moving. 

Job is going well. They really had me jump right in and I think with this kind of work, that’s the best way to learn.

Just do it.

Y’all I have pooped 4 times while writing this blog. It’s an IBS morning. Literally an figuratively.

Alright. Well the birds are starting to chirp, though it’s cold and dark outside. 

For anyone who has to drive this morning, please be careful. Rain and snow and all that kaka.

Just be safe.

New video published last night.

Please take a look and do all the stuff if you would; thumbs up, subscribe to my channel, smash the notification bell, comment, etc.

I appreciate you.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Advocating For Me - For Success

Good Morning!

I’m tired. And last night I fell into my usual do nothing mode.

This is not good.

I know I’m too hard on myself and I know that it’s ok to have those down days but man…

This job is something else. I do ok yesterday until the end. Training is going to be an issue again but I will say this; the manager had an afternoon meeting with us and he thanked me because there were 5 appointments scheduled yesterday and they were all mine. So he shouted me out and that was great.

But I have to make a slew of calls at the end of the day and it was hard to remember all the steps that go with that.

And then she assigned me something new and expected me to run with it and it threw me off.

These girls work hard and I’m on board with that but I get scared to ask for help when I’m driwning and the lead keeps saying, “This is gonna be all you sooooo” and I’m fine with that but you gotta take enough time to help me learn and be successful.

I’ll get there. I have to put my shit aside and just advocate for myself the best I can but…

I’ll get there. I will. I’m determined.

I need to make up a sign that shows bills, you know my debt and write ZERO payment, all paid and I need to look at that and manifest it.

And if I hope to build my YouTube channel an my business into something I could do in place of a “real” job then there can be no sitting on the couch when I get home.

And maybe I have to look at YouTube and Willow's Whimsy as real jobs. Like, they could be. It's happened for other people.

Maybe do as much as I possibly can while working two jobs and if shit manifests, that's amazing, ya know?

And I am grateful.

The alternative to sitting on the couch after work is sitting on the couch all day in worry and stress. Can't do that. Not again.

I got this.

So there you have it.

I'm up, I have to put a bit more into getting myself ready this morning as I have the interview at Menards right after work.

And tonight? After the interview?

Self care only.

That's all I've got.

If you are reading this and you do not know about my YouTube channel, here's my latest long form video. Another one is scheduled to publish tonight.

PLEASE like the video and subscribe to my channel. I'm 12 subscribers away from 700 and that will be huge for me.

Thank you so much!!!

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie