Good Morning,
I’m not sure if it is or not, lol.
The puppy and I went to bed at a bit after 10 and he slept
until 4:45.
He has a name and I’ll explain all that shortly.
Why name a puppy we aren’t keeping? I guess because we’re
keeping him and if you happened to see my post yesterday before I took it down,
I was angry yesterday.
The Universe does some fucked up shit.
While much of my life is my fault, my own choices, etc., the
Universe does not make it easier.
Sometimes I feel like I live in a simulation. That there are
aliens who created a computer program and we are it and most of us are filler
content that has a basic recipe and I fit into that.
And it’s programmed to just throw shit at “characters” like
me every so often, unless the writer of the content decides to do something
special.
I already know that some people are going to be so
frustrated with me but I…the abandonment issues I have are so deep seated in
me. As a result, I can’t abandon people or animals because then I feel
that I’m evil and that I’m causing harm to innocents just like the harm that
was done to me. I don’t say us because my sister has her own journey,
perceptions, feelings about our childhood and she doesn’t have the same mental
health stuff. I just can’t presume to speak for her and I bring that up because
I refer to “me” and that may sound self-centered; it’s not meant to be. It’s
meant to be respectful to her.
Ok, so anyways, my shit continues to affect me, even
if it has gotten much better.
And I can’t give that puppy up, no matter how poor I am,
when he looks up at me with so much love. You can read it right there in his
eyes.
I’m fucking bawling at my desk just thinking about it.
I don’t have what it takes to walk away and while people may
look at me and say, “How could she do this”, I’m thinking, “How could someone not
do this.”
And so.
I have a dog.
Be careful what you ask for. This fucked up Universe
provides but often times, if not always, it does it in a way we could not have
conceived of.
I take things like death very hard too. We all do right? But
it affects me right down to the center of my soul and makes me think all of the
things; which I could go into and will sometime but not now. It’s so many
feelings all at once and I’ve had some personal losses recently and of course,
the public ones which are devastating in a different way and just the heaviness
of them affect me even if I didn’t know these people; Hayden Panittiere, Dolly
Parton, Tim Curry.
I feel these things deeper and it has nothing to do with
being a deeper person than most, it’s my borderline personality disorder. I
just feel things bigger.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like not to feel things
the way I do, to be able to detach and be cold.
To be able to make the non-emotional decisions.
Anyways, I am not going to write about how everything is
going to change as a result of the puppy and this is my wakeup call.
This is what it is. I have a puppy and I’ll step up or I won’t.
If I tell you that my heart finally stopped racing once I
made the decision to keep him, that my anxiety lessoned and that I am no longer
shitting diarrhea out of my ass every 20 minutes or so, well then take that as
you will.
When my mom was changing, when she still was living on her
own but I was going over to her condo everyday to oversee her meds and to get
her fed, I was working as a beauty consultant at Walgreen’s and this woman…I’ve
never forgotten her, walked right up to me and hugged me and she said, “God
told me you have deep hurt and that you need a hug.”
It’s shit like that, that makes me think maybe this isn’t
some fucked up simulation after all.
Anyways, I’m leaving work early today and I’m going home to
get my apartment done.
The stress of all this has me smoking again and I can’t do
that so that’s done again, as of tonight.
Stress and sorrow and anxiety…I just have never mastered how
to juggle all of them, thus the smoking.
But no more.
It literally is not even an option.
Bye.
So with no further words, his name is:
Frodo Frenchie Axel Johnson.
Frodo…because I love Lord of the Rings, I love Frodo and his
gentle, yet determined demeanor, his love for family and friends and his
loyalty.
Frenchie…my son suggested it because I’ve always wanted a
Frenchie. This puppy isn’t a Frenchie but he’s my boy and I’m grateful. Axel is
a family name; we have ancestors with the name, my son and my nephew’s middle
names are Axel and some of our animals have had that tied in as well.
Johnson is obviously self-explanatory.
So just know this. If you read this entry and find yourself
doubting me, frustrated with me, disbelieving my choice to willingly add more
chaos, just know I am feeling those things too.
I have answers and I have no words.
Just sadness and love.
I hope you have a good day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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