Donkey C*ck

Sunday.

I’m having a really hard time holding on.

I have slowly been losing the ability to do much of anything. I feel confused by life in a way I never did. It’s like there’s so much to constantly do and every step forward I make, the Universe pulls me back and hits me with more.

My car died.

I had to finally admit I can’t keep the puppy. I’m sick about it. I want to die. I hope he is as loved by someone else as he is by me. 

I admitted to my bestie this morning that I cry every morning when I realize I didn’t die while I slept. I go to bed asking the Gods, The Universe or whatever to take me.

My dreams will never come true. I’m fat, old and ugly. My nose has changed and it makes me look bizarre. I dress like a frump. I can’t get my hair done.

I can’t even afford to pay an attorney for bankruptcy so I can stop the 75+ calls a day from debtors.

I want to change. I want to show myself and others what I can do but there is no motivation or hope anymore.

I hate summer and it just won’t go away. 80s all week, sometimes close to the 90s. I can’t do it.

I want to be with Mom and Dad.

There are good things here but they are not things that need me. 

I have nothing, no energy, no hope. I’m tired all the time.

This is not a cry for help. I don’t want help. I want out.

I do believe in God, just not the way some do. I’m frustrated and hurt by “God” at this time but I believe what I believe and I think there’s release and live and an understanding we can’t begin to achieve here.

I will never get to warn or achieve the things most people take for granted; success, a home…a puppy. 

My kids think they need me but they do t. I’m a burden. I’m a Debbie Downer.

I’m no use to anyone or anything anymore.

I just want to go to where we go when this ends. This place sucks and I hate it.

I love my people and my animals but the rest of sucks big, hairy donkey cock. 

Lucky donkey.

The puppy is snoring and has been cuddled up to me for hours. I am not worthy of him or deserving of this adoration. It wouldn’t be like this if I was.

I’m just writing this because I want people to know, when I get this all figured out, that’s it’s not their fault. It’s something bigger than me that I can’t fully understand.

I just can’t even fully understand.

Be Blessed y’all.

D