The Biggest Hair

 

Good Morning!

I want fall. It is not fall. The temps are still in the 80s, which mind you, I will take over 90s and higher any old day but it’s too hot for me.

I feel like I’m on a sinking ship lately. This depression, this being stuck financially, all of it. I can’t seem to come out of it.

And you know, there’s something else. I have written in this blog for years about my poop issues, my IBS.

Look, it has taken on a new life and I try not to write too much about it because same old, same old but it’s affecting my quality of life in a way I’ve never experienced.

I fart almost constantly. They just come out of me. There is literally no controlling it. And it happens at work, when I’m talking to my boss, when I’m helping customers. I just rip ass.

The mornings start out with pain, cramping and full on attacks so I’m vomiting every morning from the pain. And they are the mud bath poops. It takes forever to clean up. I feel dirty all the time.

I worry about being stinky. I carry wipes with me now. I use those first and then I follow up with toilet paper, then I scrub my hands.

It’s depressing.

I knew that quitting smoking would make changes but I thought they’d be for the better.

Once I quit coffee, or at least coffee as I’ve known it for years now, maybe that will help.

Then we have the dreams. So many dreams. I really wish I had my fitbit back or something that tracks sleeping because while I am getting a ton more than I was, this dreaming thing? Also out of control.

Last night, I had a dream about my step-monster. She was wearing a sequined, magenta colored dress and magenta is a color of kindness and compassion…ummmm, yeah, that’s not her. It could be that my subconscious wants me to show more kindness and compassion towards her but I don’t’ know. Maybe she died and I haven’t heard about it yet and that was her way of saying she’s sorry.

The weird thing about her is that she doesn’t rule my life. I no longer have resentments, I just don’t like her and would never be able to trust her. Like, she’s not someone I aim to have in my life.

It could also be symbolic for me needing to show myself more kindness and compassion. I’m lucky to be surrounded by that but it’s true I don’t show myself much.

I never have.

Things are getting a bit fuzzy around the edges at work too. On the one hand, I really do believe that the magnesium L-Threanate is helping me with focus. But I’m tired and I think this magnesium Is part of the issue with the poop situation.

I am however, unwilling to go without sleep again.

So the magnesium remains.

I think maybe instead of trying to jump out of bed every morning at 5 and get my morning routine done, I should just work on getting out of bed at 5. If I just sit there, I just sit there but I can start the whole “morning routine” thing once I’m used to just getting my ass out of bed.

On a completely different note, an ex of mine from my teen years showed up. He was darling. He had the biggest heavy metal hair I’d ever seen at that point. He was so cute. Women loved that guy. We only went out for a short while but we became the best of friends after that.

Fast forward all the years of not seeing each other and we are soooooo different.

His hair is still amazing. It’s steel gray and white and he has tons of it but that face I loved? Huge bags under his eyes, missing teeth.

I stalked his FB page and he and his wife have land and all that and I think he’s probably still doing good, but…we are not the same.

His sister and I are friends on FB and she told me they don’t speak because of their political differences. Nor does he speak to his daughters for the same reason.

I’m sad but he’s not in my life anyways and I can remember the boy I loved. The one who was so much fun and so stupid in the most endearing way and who introduced me to Metallica.

You gotta love a boy whose hair is bigger than yours and still looks good.

Sigh.

I wish we didn’t have to grow up. I do NOT remember discussing politics and hating people for their differences.

We just had fun.

Ok, well my boss is out today. And guess who has little to nothing to do? I’m worried about one of our guys, the one I work the closest with. He’s experiencing that Kaleidoscope vision, I’ve only had that once but he’s had several times and I looked up when it’s an emergency and he meets the criteria.

I hate getting old.

Well now that we’ve got y’all caught up…

Peace.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie