Insomnia

Hi Everyone,

I have to be careful what I write today.

Because I’m going through it. 

Big time. 

Saturday night I had a nightmare and that one dream brought up all the ick in me that I’ve been stuffing down. Memories I’d put aside, feelings I’d put aside. Ugh. And just trauma. It’s all right here in the surface.

I didn’t get much sleep.

And so I had a wasted day, other then two conversations, one with my bestie and one with someone in the dream. I’m really glad I called her.

I was on the couch all day, on the verge of tears.

And last night? Another nightmare, a dream about someone else I’ve fallen out of touch with. She was a friend long, long ago.

And so no sleep again.

And tears. Pumpkin comes when I cry and she head bumps me and kisses me. She hates it when I cry.

I think it’s safe to say I’m losing my shit.

So I have to figure out this sleep thing.

Because I have no insurance, I’m going to have to see if I can get a prescription fo the meds I was taking before without seeing the doctor. And I’m gonna start taking the edibles for awhile.

Anything to just sleep.

And as soon as I can find a job with insurance, I’m getting therapy and I’m getting help with this bulkshit sleep fuckery.

I’ve talked about the fact that Xanax is the only thing that ever really worked but no doctor will prescribe it on an ongoing basis anymore.

As far as addiction to it goes…who cares if I get physically addicted or have to increase due to tolerance. I’ve got what? 20 years left? Geez. Help me make them good ones.

As long as I take them as prescribed who cares if I develop a physical addiction? It’s not like I’m 20 and experiencing this.

But I’m Denise Motherfucking Johnson and so I’ll go on.

I do start to have dark thoughts as each night gets worse, and each day gets harder due to lack of sleep.

But the thing is, I don’t really want to leave just yet. I don’t think I ever want to. 

It’s just so hard. All these emotions.

And bear with me as I say this, I think this all came up because I started working. I’m not saying I shouldn’t be working. I think that going through what I just did financially, and feeling so isolated and then all of a sudden, just jumping into this job and having some sense of financial security, I think all of that mixed together brought all of this up. It was the perfect cocktail of bullshit.

And so here we are. And here I am.

And I have to get through this and figure out the sleep thing. It’s number one because without sleep, it will all come toppling down again.

Anyways, I do need to go get ready for work. Mondays are extremely hard at work because I have to catch up on the leads from the weekend and it’s just a lot.

I got this, I can do this.

I hope all of you have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie