Dad

Here I am again.

Getting some decent sleep really helped me.

I’m still feeling a little rumbly though. A little discomfort in my tummy.

Time for some big changes. I have to get out of this job. I have to. 

It’s so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want my life to just get better. Change takes all the things I struggle with. 

That cold calling system I’ve been bitching about? It’s got me so stressed out I vomit.

I’m having major issues with my tummy that started last night. I called in and they want a fucking doctor’s note. 

When they don’t provide fucking insurance.

FUCK YOU!!!

With the cold calling, I literally ask for the wrong person, I act like they are wrong numbers. Because I can’t take people bitching at me for calling them.

I mean…it’s creative problem solving is how I look at it.

But I couldn’t go in today.

Too much pain.

And so I go some sleep and I had what they call a using dream. It’s been 3 years since I used my drug of choice and in the dream I was using. But Dad came and he wanted to get me out of there and other friends were there and they were a distraction.

But Dad.

Dad came.

I miss him so much.

In the dream, I don’t know if he was talking to my kids or to my sister or what but he had a piece of paper in his hand and it was a plan to get me out of where I was and I feel like it was him saying he is still with me and there is a plan.

Because I’ve been having dark thoughts again. Not about drugs but about not being here and not having to do this anymore.

I want to settle in to a decent job for a company that makes me feel valued.

They have filled my position several times in the 4 years my immediate supervisor has worked there and wouldn’t you think they’d figure out that their way of doing things isn’t working?

I guess going over and over this in my head solves nothing.

I can’t change anything but myself.

Wishing it away is an act of futility.

I’m lost in this right now and just trying a light to guide me.

Dad says there’s a plan.

How I wish he was here and that I could talk to him.

I can still talk to him though. I just told him I love him.

Ok, well I would just ask that if you believe in anything, sen a little strength, love and healing my way, maybe some comfort too. I’m struggling.

Love to you all.

Neecie