Dramatic? And??

 

Hi Everyone,

Ugh, turn downs on the jobs I've applied for. 

It's ok, or actually, it's not. I'm not ok. But I'm applying for more.

It's hard. It's so hard to be and stay positive so I guess for now, I need to be OK having moments of it, no  matter how small.

Lots of tears today, lots of wishing for things that I can't magically make happen.

And utter despondency at times too, like I'm all over the place.

I've been talking to my daughter today as well. We are very similar in some key ways...with the way we process information and the way we learn. 

I've been looking back and as far as this job stuff, this started long before I ever had my first job. It started in school; like around 6th grade and it kicked into high gear and ultimately ended with me not graduating high school.

And just opportunities, good fucking opportunities...look, I'm not writing all this out to bash myself, I'm writing it all out to see this pattern and where it began and there are so many pieces to this.

Somewhere around 7th grade, I gave up. I gave up trying to push though anything difficult. I do know there is the fear of failure but also honestly not being able to retain information in a meaningful way either. Yeah, if I really like something, I can retain it but when I like something, it's a joy learning about it. And people think that means that I can do the things I don't want to. I've been reading so much about ADHD and how the brain lights up when it's excited about something but practically goes dormant if there is no interest and while I do believe that we can train ourselves to a certain extend, it does make it excruciatingly hard.

So we have fear of failure, we have ADHD, we have the Borderline stuff, which involves repeating self-sabotaging behaviors and then we have, quite frankly, a natural disposition to laziness.

I was always able to make this work because I had my parents to lean on. It was wrong, that. I have deep regrets over it but since they have both been gone, I see now, the issues I have because it has become a non-negotiable not to walk out on these jobs.

And these jobs, they are horrid for me. 

Absolutely horrid.

I do understand about attitude and positivity and gratitude. Some of these jobs have literally had me wanting to crawl out of my own skin, it's like they hurt me physically.

Dramatic?

I'm just trying to explain. I have tried to explain to people before and they don't get it. 

These are not excuses.

These are things I struggle with and I see now that maybe they have the potential for me to end me. That's not dramatic either.

I simply cannot go on this way. I can't live like this.

People who know me in my personal life find it hard to believe these struggles because I'm articulate, because I make sense. But they don't see me at work, they don't know the things that I've had managers say to me or how I am treated like I'm dumb.

I know I'm smart, just like my daughter is, we just process things, and I have an Aunt like this too, differently. And in  my case, this borderline shit brings out emotions I'm not equipped to handle and that fucks up my productivity too.

This is not fix it in a day shit. I need help with all of this.

I'm trying to watch videos about this shit and get ideas for skills I can master in an effort to get through all this but goddamnit man, I get to own this.

No excuses, just a cry to the Universe for help.

Ok, that's where I'm at today.

Have a good day.

And to my new subscribers on YouTube, thank you, thank you, thank you. 709 as of this morning.

I have value.

I'm working on valuing myself and I'm wanting my daughter to see that in herself too, but to have others back it up by subscribing...just thank you.

Somedays, again maybe somewhat dramatically, I feel like it's the only thing I have.

Have a good night you guys.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie