Notice I didn’t say good morning.
How quickly I settle into old habits. Because this job is essentially nine hours of working to a half hour break, I’m exhausted when I get home.
Part of that is that I’m old, part of it is that I’m post menopausal, part of it is that I’m fat, and part of it is just me. I am lazy at my core and I’m very well aware of that.
I’m struggling in the mornings and I’m struggling after work with getting my life in. And it probably seems crazy that I’m looking for a second job but I just need to get this money piece behind me and get money in savings.
In my short today, I brought up the old but familiar pattern of not liking the job that I’m in. And one could say well you’ve only been there for a week, so how do you really know? I know.
I could go on and on about why, but it serves no purpose. And it puts focus on the negative. I have come far enough and gone through enough, and the people I love have gone through it with me, in the last fucking, well actually a lifetime but for sure the last two years.M
I’m not about screwing people over anymore. I owe people who helped me through this money, I owe credit cards money, I owe the loan company money, I owe my old job money. I always feel the need to make sure that people understand I didn’t take any money from my old company. They give us our sick time once a year and I had used mine up before I actually earned it. So now I’m paying that back.
Last night, before we left, the kind of head administrative assistant I guess you’d call her, snapped at me. And I snapped right back. I did not deserve to get snapped at.
There are aspects of this job that I’m getting, but I have only been there for one week and they have this god-awful spreadsheet and I understand where to put the numbers in for the most part but then we have to verify the numbers and that’s where the shit show in my head starts. It is so convoluted the way they do this and it makes no sense to me. I’m not so arrogant that I assume that this would be the case for others as well. But it is the case for me, I do not get it and I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it and it’s supposed to be done every day when I leave, and I haven’t been able to finish it once.
And so I got snapped on, and I snapped back, and I said I was willing to stay later or come in early because she complained that she would have to come in early to do it. Write a fucking standard operating procedure. I have been blown away, I will say this, by the lack of training involved in the last couple jobs I’ve had. It’s like you come in on your first day, and they expect you to know everything and this mentality of just shove someone right into it and not train them properly blows me away because I have a background and training. I have a background in setting people up for success in their jobs.
The job I had at the school district I worked at, my boss was incredible about asking me to take on new tasks and showing me how to do them. He literally would walk me through step-by-step step-by-step. He would watch me do the task and if I had questions, he always was there to answer them.
It was incredibly empowering and I never felt ashamed or dumb or anything like that because his attitude was you can do this, but I need to set you up with the skills and the knowledge to be able to do it.
I am finding that that is not the norm. The norm is I’m gonna tell you once and then you’re just gonna do it. And I know that this girl is getting beyond frustrated with me.
And I see quite frankly, what they do to her and how she can’t even get her job done because they’re always coming at her with stuff and yesterday there was a question I guess about why she hadn’t gotten certain things done and she did tell our boss that with all the things he came at her with, she didn’t have time to do her own job.
We do not get 15 minute breaks, those are frowned on. I have to ask for permission practically to go to the bathroom. I am not a child.
OK, whatever. Right? Right? This is how this job is and I can’t change it and the only thing I can do is accept it for now because God dammit it gives me a fucking paycheck. It gives me a chance to get out out of the nightmare that I am in.
What I have done in the past, is to accept defeat. I accepted it and I don’t really do anything about it and I don’t try to look for another job and then I blow up and I quit and then we have chaos.
If nothing else, everything I have been through in the last couple years, which let’s face it, was me bringing me into situations, I have felt that these are not punishment situations, but learning situations.
I will look for another job, but I will continue to get to this one on time and be there all day and put up with this shit and just do my fucking job the best I can and to try to push myself to do better and to learn, and when I do get another job, I will get the fuck out of there.
There is no walk away this time. There is no room for self-righteous indignation. There is no quitting. There is only do.
So kind of a Debbie downer of a post and I apologize for that. It is what it is. I have very little time to get ready and so I’m gonna do that and get there and get through this day.
I am grateful for the opportunity to earn a paycheck and to know what it’s like this month to be able to pay the bills. At the end of the day, that is the immediate goal. That is where my Gratitude lies.
I hope you all have a good day.
Be blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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