Becoming

Hi Everyone,

So here we are again. Familiar territory; crisis, chaos, repeated patterns. Except that I’m not going there. That’s what trips me up. I had an epiphany. I am done beating myself up for who I am.

I truly believe this whole thing is part of my metamorphosis. Today I am accepting myself for who I am. And I am going to learn how to move within that. My whole life has been focused on changing who I am because I believed that who I am was deficit. It’s not! I move differently in this world than others. I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I’m not comfortable moving in the world the way other people seem to be able to do. It makes success very difficult.

I need to survive and I need to be able to provide for myself the things that are needed to get through life with some modicum of comfort. But I’ve been fighting my whole life. Fighting to be something I don’t think I’m capable of being. So now the focus has to be on loving who I am and finding a way to flow within that and to be productive and to be consistent and to be successful. 

Not gonna lie, I have no idea how to do this, but this self hatred thing, and trying so hard, in large part, to ease the lives of the people who love me, well these are all good things about me, you know that I care about others and how my life affects them, those things will still be there, they still are there, but I have to love myself too in this process, and I have to find a way and so I am just going to start working on loving myself, like really loving myself and seeing my value in this world and finding out how to fit in. I’m open. This is new.

Like I don’t have any words of wisdom here this time and all the plans and all the thoughts and all the things I think I need to do that might help, I’m letting them all go. I will take action and I will go through motions and I will pay attention to what it does to me. I will pay attention to what helps and what doesn’t and I will let go of patterns. I want to be like air. I want to move within the chasms and flow out of them and be malleable and just let myself be what and who I am.

I write often about how I’m different and how I don’t fit into the box and there’s this desperate desire to make people understand that this is not something I can control, that these things are just so hard for me. I don’t have to convince anybody, I’m the one who lives it and I know. I know that it’s true. And then letting go of all the thoughts of what I should be, I just need to be what I am.

And find what’s gonna work for me.

There is a young woman who I have wrote about before, and I don’t mention her name and I’m not gonna go too much into her story, but I see her posts on my other Facebook page and she suffers from many of the same diagnoses that I do, but it’s like at nuclear level. There is so much anger and helplessness and pain and she reached out on Facebook for help, but I can’t give it to her. I am so glad that my stuff is not at that level and that I can find peace within the chaos and faith and hope and trust in the process. And still care about others and how my stuff affects them. Those things are things that are blessings and I need to be so grateful for them. And sadly, all I can do for her is send energy and pray that she’ll be OK, I can’t take that on. And I don’t Mean this in a selfish way, but her stuff helps me realize how lucky I really am and how much potential I do have and that the likelihood of me having a fulfilling, rich life is there and it’s a high potential.

I could tell my daughter was on the defensive when she came home yesterday. I think she was worried she was gonna walk into tears and self-pity and helplessness and I did not let myself go there. I was very positive and I intend to stay that way with her because that’s part of the harm that I can create and I don’t wanna do that anymore.

This situation happened so that I can continue becoming. It’s that simple.

And in my mind, that is something to be very grateful for.

It in no way negates the necessity to find a job, but it is something huge for me and it is new.

I do not have a big plan for the day. Rather, I have some ideas of things I should probably do. And so today I’m just going to move within what I think I should probably do. I’m not going to put measurements on it, I’m not going to label it, I’m going to live in it and experience it. I am going to pay attention to how I feel.

I hope you all have a beautiful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie