It’s 2:54 in the morning. I’ve been up for about an hour and a half. My ear hurts. I even had to poop. Everything about my body and its habits is changing. I used to be able to count on only going number 2 in the morning. Now it’s the mother loads in the morning and then little guys on and off all day and apparently now in the middle of the night.
And no sleep. So then I cry.
I just want to sleep.
Ok I’m back. I was so pissed off about the sleep thing and my resting heart rate going up so ridiculously high that I ripped off my Fitbit. I’m done.
I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. I went to bed on time. I finally turned the light on and read for a while and then I noticed a spider on my ceiling. I watched him or her for quite a while, hoping they would come down on the wall so I could get at them. I finally went to the bathroom and when I came back, there was no spider. I figured that it got on my bed.
But because it wasn’t massive, and because I was so flipping tired, I decided I don’t care and I’m just gonna go to sleep, but as I reached over to turn my light off, there it was on my pillow, so I flicked it off.
You guys, this not sleeping thing is not good. All I do is cry. That, and I seem to be having a visit down the past. I think about so many things and I feel so bad about who I used to be and some of the things I did that hurt people.
I have to stop this.
I have to get some sleep. It’s funny, because I do get sleep sometimes, but it needs to be consistent because I’m losing my shit psychologically.
I have to go, I have to get to work, but I hope you all have a good day and just know that we’re reaching the point where I am finally willing to do some things consistently to help myself.
The good news is that I don’t seem to want to self sabotage. No thoughts of revisiting past choices if you know what I mean.
So if I go.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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