You guys, my car is fixed. I am so grateful to all the people who helped me in the last two weeks. I mean, I’m grateful for anyone who’s ever helped me but these last two weeks were a special kind of hell and just hearing from people that they love me, is more than enough, but like the people who stood up, thank you. My car would not be fixed right now, I would not have been to work all week and probably would’ve lost my job, my daughter would be spiraling too because you know whatever mental health stuff she has, we kind of feed off each other sometimes and I think we try not to do that as hard as possible, but that girl saw a full on old school Denise temper tantrum, I was raging at the universe out loud and saying, just kill me, I don’t wanna be here, I wish I would die.
Like it was bad.
And I did wish those things and I’m not out of the water yet. Depression has a way of aching back in so even though I feel good today, I have to work fucking hard. I have to be a Baller. I know that if I get my house cleaned, I’ll have a good day tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I am going through all my bills and everything and getting them organized and together so that I can fill out all the paperwork for the Attorney. I have to go over to my roommate’s house and see if the hospital bills and doctor bills from my emergency room visit and overnight. Stay have come in because those now have to go on the bankruptcy.
Tuesday, I will call the attorney and explain that there are additional medical bills and see if that increases the amount he’s gonna charge me.
And then I’m gonna ask someone to borrow me the money. I have no choice.
After all this debt, I still have personal debts and they have to be dealt with. I am not going to let them slide.
And because the depression took me to a place where I could not care for myself with basic things like showers and hair care and all of that, no exercise, no eating right, all of it, that has to stop now and I have to have some kind of a plan.
I’ll tell you what, next year, I want to be in a job that pays me enough to thrive. Survival is great, but I’m over it, living in survival mode, sucks ass, head, and hole and I’m over it.
So yeah, a year from now, if things go according to the way, I wish they would go. Here’s what I want to happen in place.
I want to have moved, I know I will not be in a place to buy a house and that’s OK. But I want to rent a house with a yard that I can put flowers in. Something bigger so that I can really haul ass on my dream of Willow’s whimsy. I want to have a job that allows me to thrive. I want to have a little bit of savings. I want to be at my goal weight and I want to be as healthy as possible physically, mentally and spiritually too. I always feel like I have to say this when I bring up spirituality because people always wanna throw Christianity and God at me. I am talking about my connection yes, to spirit, but also to the world I live in, to the people around me and to society in general, like I want to have or be in a place of connection, love, and wonder. I want to be able to buy a new vehicle. That is the only big expense I will willingly take on, but only when I’m in a place to do so.
And I want finally, to love myself. I want to be setting healthy boundaries, I want to believe in myself, my capabilities, and my dreams.
The world we live in now wants to crush us. I do believe that. I’m talking about the people in it not the world or the universe itself but the people in it. Fuck those people.
My tribe revealed itself to me this last two weeks and I’m in. I’m going to try and start connecting with People again and keeping those connections, I am going to force myself out when I don’t wanna go out. I need love and I need to love.
So there you have it and now I am going to go clean my house, I always say house, but you all know, my apartment.
I hope you have a great day, I hope that the road rises up to meet you, that the sun shines upon your face and that the wind at your back is never your own.
Be blessed.
Love and light,
Neecie
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