Poop Tsunami

 

Well Good Fucking Morning,

I can’t you guys. I got nothing and yet…I got a lot.

I’m fucking exhausted.

Went home and picked up my daughter last night to run some errands and the car did the thing it did before.

We made it home but the car is shit, shot, shattered.

Done.

And I am done.

I am fucking done struggling. I have nothing left to struggle with.

I want to ask why? Why me? I want to ask is this my karma?

I did not ask to be born. I did not ask for childhood upheaval. I did not ask for a dad who swept me aside as if I was nothing, thus kicking off a mental illness I didn’t even know until 4 years ago that I had; a brain issue that makes borderline personality more likely and then the abandonment that kicks it off.

I never meant to be “too much.” I never meant to be harmful with my choices, to be selfish, to throw caution to the wind and live recklessly. I never meant or wanted to be so angry (thankfully, this is behind me for the most part), I never wanted to hate myself, feel less than, feel unworthy of anything good.

I never meant to quit job after job after job. I never wanted to be impulsive and self-destructive be it with money, men, drugs…

And here I am, so late in life, clinging to it, desperately thinking it’s got to get better…that if I hang in there, it will.

But it’s not getting better. It’s getting worse.

And…some will say this is drama, but I want out.

Some people believe that we choose our fate before we come here, that this is all mapped out and we agree to it but I know I would never agree to this.

I might agree to learn the lessons but I wouldn’t sign on for this. And what  kind of “God” would ask that of us and to what end?

So we can appreciate “heaven” even more.

As horrid as this sounds, I feel like y’all can take your heaven and shove it up your ass because this shit ain’t cool, these heightened emotions are not sustainable.

I don’t require great wealth; those hopes and dreams are gone and a more realistic goal of just…basic comfort and happiness has replaced it.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

If there is a heaven, then surely they will let me in, knowing that all this suffering doesn’t work when one has a lifetime of mental health shit keeping her from getting truly better.

If there’s nothing else, at least this all ends.

OK, well there you have it.

I just don’t want any surprises when I choose my way out.

I don’t want anyone saying they didn’t see this coming or that they weren’t warned.

This life is shit.

There has been beauty and joy and happiness but those things are a tiny little island surrounded by an ocean of shit and shit tsunamis just keep flooding that little island.

I got nothing left in me.

My get up and go got up and went.

Gallows Pole – Led Zeppelin

Hangman, hangman, hold it a little while
I think I see my friends coming, riding many a mile
Friends, you get some silver?
Did you get a little gold?
What did you bring me, my dear friends
To keep me from the gallows pole?
What did you bring me to keep me from the gallows pole?
I couldn't get no silver, I couldn't get no gold
You know that we're too damn poor to keep you from the gallows pole

Hangman, hangman, hold it a little while
I think I see my brother coming, riding many a mile
Brother, you get me some silver?
Did you get a little gold?
What did you bring me, my brother, to keep me from the gallows pole?
Brother, I brought you some silver, yeah
I brought a little gold
I brought a little of everything to keep you from the gallows pole
Yes, I brought you to keep you from the gallows pole

Hangman, hangman, turn your head awhile
I think I see my sister coming, riding many a mile, mile, mile, mile
Sister, I implore you, take him by the hand
Take him to some shady bower
Save me from the wrath of this man
Please take him, save me from the wrath of this madman
Hangman, hangman, upon your face a smile
Tell me that I'm free to ride
Ride for many a mile, mile, mile

 

Oh, yes, you got a fine sister
She warmed my blood from cold
She warmed my blood to boiling hot
To keep you from the gallows pole, pole, pole, pole, yeah, yeah
Your brother brought me silver, and your sister warmed my soul
But now I laugh and pull so hard, see you swinging on the gallows pole, yeah
But now I laugh and pull so hard, see you swinging on the gallows pole, pole, pole
Swingin' on the gallows pole, swingin' on the gallows pole
Swingin' on the gallows pole, swingin' on the gallows pole
Pole, pole, pole, pole, pole, pole, yeah

Now that’s dramatic.

Peace.

Neecie