Cryin' In My Uber

 

‘ello Loves,

I am crying. So weird. Not the crying but that I started out good. I got up, not as early as I wished but I just hit the ground running. I did these exercises that are supposed to really loosen you up and they are not hard on the body. They get the lymphatic system moving but they also get you moving.

I made all my food for the day; breakfast, lunch, dinner and did all the dishes I got dirty.

I meditated, I managed to do my skincare routine (body and face), even if I wasn’t able to put on makeup or do my hair. I also did the Wim Hof breathing stuff.

I fed the kits and loved on them. I got dressed and packed my bag for the day.

I feel so good about all that. Tomorrow, I’ll try to push a little harder and get up when I need to.

I’ve been not sleeping so well the past 3 or 4 nights. I think it’s all the emotional fall out from the past 3 or so weeks.

No one can live in that mode for long, whatever that mode was…it was just getting hit and hit and hit…they kept coming and I didn’t have time to dodge the hits in between. Sheesh. My cortisol must’ve been through the roof, I was in fight or flight for weeks. And then, you find yourself waiting for the next thing to happen and you can’t relax because every time you have recently, the rug gets pulled out from underneath you.

And that affects your sleep. I have also been bringing back the nightmares. Man. Some fucked up shit goes through my head, that’s for sure, to create these awful dreams.

So yeah, going through all that but still felt good about all I accomplished this morning, the car is at the shop and I am crossing my fingers that it’s not a bad fix.

It’s that right there, that got me this morning. I’m not surprised by the some of the people supporting me but some have been a bit of a shock and some of the people who aren’t showing up for me, who haven’t been for awhile…I mean, it makes that stand out a bit more doesn’t it. I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about actually being here for me…

I’m so grateful. I’m so grateful.

I was overcome and overwhelmed by it this morning. I started crying in the Uber and I haven’t been able to stop.

People are all saying things to me about me, things I have such a hard time believing but since so many people are saying them, maybe I should believe them.

I do know I’m blessed. A friend of mine’s husband messaged me years ago and said, “Do you know how blessed you are? People frickin’ love you man.”

When I think about the people who have helped and the people who have reached out with kind and encouraging words, these people are people from former jobs, people I met at AA, people I met at my knitting classes or when rollerskating. I just pick up friends. And they do, they love me and I don’t know why that’s just hitting me now after all this time but yeah, I am blessed, I sure am. And I don’t know why but it doesn’t matter, I just need to accept it and to believe it and today I guess I was supposed to also feel it.

So beyond that, I had a good weekend. I went for an early walk with a friend on Saturday. Then my bestie called so I talked to her and I just sortof cleaned as I felt like it, etc. I took boujie bath and then I spoke to another of my closest friends.

It was a good, mellow day and yesterday…same.

The weather you guys…the temps fell…finally.

I could cry  my heart out.

Well I am but not for that reason.

You guys I need to accept the love others have for me, I need to accept it, I need to let it in and I need to feel it.

I need to believe in myself the way others believe in me.

And I need to develop some coping skills.

But I’m OK today, a bit tired, but OK and will be super happy when my car has been looked over and I know what I’m looking at.

Please Universe, be gentle on me. Y’girl is fragile and only now, hoping to bounce back.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie