Optimism: Huh?

Good Morning,

Holy Hershey squirts Batman, I just keep going this morning. It’s the non gift that keeps on giving.

Man oh man.

So the first day of work went well. I have no complaints. I am in an utter panic about money though. I learned a lot about the benefits, which are good, but at the low amount of pay I’m making, I don’t think I can even sign on for them. It’s unfortunate. And I want to go to that place of this isn’t worth it, why did I take this job, etc. I am not doing that.

I’m working on staying present and all I can do is tell myself that for today we are OK. We have food, we have our apartment, I have gas in the car, you know, we are OK today.

And it is worth it to hang in there for the 90 day probationary period, to see what they might offer me after. I I am much more willing and able to advocate for myself now and so when that period is over, I think I am going to tell her I need more money and that I can’t survive on what they offer. When you think about it, I am doing HR, administrative assistance, and some light accounting. So I think I deserve the pay, if not what I was making at the horrible job, as close to it as possible.

In the meantime, I have to bite my tongue from talking about how much rent is and the economy and all of that because I don’t want her to feel like I’m not grateful for this job.

And let’s talk about gratitude, because I have none right now if you want me to be completely transparent and honest. I know I’m worth more monetary wise. But last week I didn’t have a job and this week I do. That right there is something to be fucking grateful for.

I’ve always been someone who thinks when something changes, life will automatically get better and it doesn’t. That is not being pessimistic, that’s called being realistic. They can get better though, and that is where I find my optimism.

Stay in today, Denise. Just stay in today. 

I went to bed last night around seven, I was just absolutely knocked out. I don’t know how in the hell I’m gonna do a second job, but I have to dig deep and find a way.

I’m very, very scared. This massive depression weighs on me constantly. I’m trying to find my way through it.

So I just have to keep going and believe that like dad said in that dream, there is a plan for me.

I don’t know what that plan is and I don’t know what it looks like, I am only required to have faith that all will be well.

OK, I guess I better get going but I’ll be going in today and I’m going to apply for a couple jobs yet this morning and we will just keep going.

I hope you have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise