Seeing What Fits

Good Morning!

Tough night again but two of the cats were up close to me and that always offers comfort.

Today at least it’s not dark. I’m not motivated but I’m also not thinking dark things.

My head is always going and I’m starting to see not only the obvious patterns but the more subtle ones too and I’m seeing it through the unfolding drama of another person.

Some of her stuff reminds me so much of me. 

There is always something I’m working towards, there are so many plans and so many goals and so many dreams and no one could attain all of that at once. I know that with my writing and my videos, it probably looks to many people like I have bipolar disorder and I don’t. I’ve been assessed multiple times and never been diagnosed with it.

If if they’ve missed something, I feel that it would be a rapid cycling very low on the charts bipolar.

But I only bring that up because I realize I’m all over the place and in watching this other person’s drama unfold, it just reminds me so much of me. Periods of despondency followed by something new that’s gonna change everything and never following through on anything and never being able to achieve any of these goals.

I see so much of myself in her stuff and I’m like oh my God because if if I watch her stuff and I’m thinking, oh my God, calm down girl, that’s probably what people think of me and how they react to my stuff.

I think the big difference is that I’m willing to listen to people now and not just poo. Poo what they say because I don’t like it or it feels uncomfortable. I’m willing to try things on now and see if they fit. Not as a way to bash myself, but as a way to see how to fix it.

And so for right now, I need to get healthy physically, and I need to get healthy mentally. I need to file this bankruptcy, I’m going to have to stay in this apartment, there will be no moving for me for a long, long time and I have to accept that because no one will rent me with a bankruptcy on my record. Obviously, I need to find a job.

Once I get a job I’m going to sit down with my sister and go over a budget. 

As far as my YouTube channel and my dream of the business, no plans, just chill and let things unfold as they can.

And I need to let that go, and stay in the moment.

Of all the those things, learning to live in the moment is the biggest.

Learning to accept what is and find gratitude wherever I can, those things alone will make the others so much easier.

I have to start taking care of myself somehow. I have to make me a priority. But in a gentle way, not this maniacal planning and thinking I’ll find happiness when I achieve certain milestones.

I need to find my happiness where I’m at.

Ok.

So I guess on with it and here we go.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie