Dusk to Dawn

Good Morning!

Friday. I will say this; one thing that is easy to be positive about today is that it’s Friday. When I’m not working, Fridays are hard for me because it’s the day that everybody’s excited about because the weekend is coming. But for me, it was just another day. So I am happy to be happy that it’s Friday.

That’s a great feeling.

I am still continuing to stay in the present because I don’t know, the last month or so, has been this running shit show of the past in my brain. I do have a brain that wants to self sabotage. I do have a brain that feels comfortable in chaos, even though I hate it.

The past is the past and yes, it went by like dusk to dawn.

But it’s gone, the past is gone. So when those thoughts come up, I have been telling myself, no. That is over, that is done. That is not who I am now.

Retraining, my brain to understand that I deserve good things and I deserve peace in my life is very, very difficult.

I really don’t want chaos.

This week was a good learning opportunity for me because I did go back to past patterns. I got home from work and did nothing all week, well, OK I did some things. But not a lot. And I went to bed so early and one thing about this hydroxyzine that I’m taking is that I have slept.

But next week I start at 7:30 in the morning as opposed to 930 and I really need to acclimate myself to being on a schedule. And into making some effort in the evenings.

I can’t sustain going to bed at five or 6 o’clock every night and being in bed for 12 hours.

My sister messaged me yesterday and I asked about her dog. I think I mentioned in a prior blog that she wasn’t doing so well. I honestly was filled with joy when she responded saying that she’s doing very well, meaning her dog. Little chatty girl.

Good news is good news and it’s another thing for me to feel positive about. This dog is just so sweet and I do feel bonded to her in spite of the fact that I don’t see her often.

When I look back over the last couple years, there really has been lost. My son‘s cat Maple, followed shortly by his dog trout. My sister lost her other dog, trickle. And the biggest one of all, being Mom.

But life goes on, doesn’t it? It’s weird being the elder now.

OK, well I think I just need to get through this day and try and do some things tonight and try and have a productive weekend and come up with a loose plan/schedule for next week so that I can start really trying to move forward.

Oh, so I work in a really bad neighborhood and yesterday, I saw a drug deal go down. My boss said that this guy cycles around the area every five weeks or so. He literally pulled up right in front of the window facing the street from my office and I watched the girl in his car get out and go to a car that pulled behind them and I saw the exchange. 

Again, it’s just trusting the process here and I can handle that. I guess in a weird way, it’s another thing to be positive about. At least that’s not me.

OK, well I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie