Messes

Good Morning!

How is everyone? I hope you are all good.

Me?

Meh.

Another day. Another day of stress and wondering how the fuck we’re gonna make it. I didn’t sleep 12 hours but I did go to bed early again.

I just can’t deal with anything, none of this.

My bed is my only happy place right now. My anxiety is with me constantly and it’s sits in my stomach, I can feel it there.

I wish I could have a job I don’t mind, like this current one but one that paid a living wage.

I’m without hope and it makes everything so much harder.

When I was still using, I would come back from a bender and the crushing remorse and shame was horrible. I feel like that all the time now and I’m not even using.

The shit show in my head just won’t turn off. My grandmother, her name was Lois, I never met her, but Dad shared with me that she struggled horribly with depression and even had to go into the hospital here in Minnesota and get electric shock treatments. Dad carried guilt about that. But I know what that’s like. It wasn’t his fault, just like it’s nobody else’s fault how I’m feeling.

Regardless of whether I get through this financial bullshit or not, something has to change within me.

I need help and I’m willing to get it but here again, circumstances have to change in order for me to do so.

There are things that make me happy. My children, my cats, my sister, my mom, and a few very good friends who I know, love me and care about me dearly.

It does mean something, I’m not so depressed that I can’t feel that.

But yeah, my apartment is a mess. My head is a mess. My life is a mess.

Welcome to the shit show.

Sorry for the Debbie downer post but, hey, at least I keep it real.

All right, well I better get ready for work. Another day, another not enough dollars.

I do hope you all have a good day.

I hope you are blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie