Roll With It

Good Morning,

Oh man. I did not want to get up this morning. I was down for the count last night, I did not feel well at all. My boss called in yesterday and I was literally all by myself. 

I didn't use the time to fuck off like I usually do. I got stuff done. I'm experiencing some down time and surprisingly, I don't like that.

I think the meds are working for the depression piece, but I am experiencing more anxiety. I just try to breath through it.

I kindof went over my budget this morning and I'm in panic mode. I may have to do some kind of debt consolidation and I so did not want to do that. I worked so hard to get everything fixed and now it's all just shit again but I know there's a lesson in all of this.

Stay teachable Denise, stay teachable. 

No giving up now.

Anyways, I laid down on the couch last night, with my tummy not good and I feel asleep until just before I had to pick my daughter up. We got home and I went right back to bed.

I feel better this morning. Just anxious.

This too shall pass.

Still haven't got my pap results back. 

So, I really, really, really am going to try and push myself through my tiredness tonight and get some things done.

I won't be home tomorrow night and I don't want to come home to the way things are at this moment.

Change is hard. I seem to roll with it when it's things that are out of my control, but when it comes to changing things within myself, it can be difficult.

But I have to believe it can be done. Well, actually, if I'm honest, I've changed already and it's been good.

But now the hard stuff. Maybe I need to not label it as hard. Maybe I need to label it as easy. 

Anyways, it's time to go get ready for my day. Another day, another dollar. Or two or three. 

"I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."

Oh wait. It's Tuesday. 

A quote from Pumpkin:

"'p;*/-/"

Have a great day guys.

Yesterday's short:

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Tahini

 

Good Morning,

Just a quick minute. I am having anxiety this morning. I think it's because I actually got up and attempted to do some things. My body is used to me not pushing it at all.

And now...I just want to get back on track.

It's beautiful outside.

Geez.

I decided to give up the morning walk. It's walking all 3 floors of my complex and people come out and get weird about it.

But I did walk my hallway, just to get myself going. I came back, meditated, did Wim Hof.

I made these delicious meatballs last night. I love falafal and I just can't seem to get there with making it. So instead, I mushed up a bunch of chickpea's and added them to ground turkey and put all the same herbs and spices in that you would for falafal. 

And I made a Tahini sauce and it's flipping delicous.

So that's for lunch the next two days. 

I'm making a salad for Wednesday and I'm not sure about Thursday as I'll be sleeping at my sister's Wednesday night.

Gotta figure that out.

I was too lazy this weekend. I don't like that. I want to be moving away from that, instead of embracing it, ya know?

But it is what it is.

Ok, well I better get going; still have to make my Ka'chava as that will serve as breakfast today.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Give Me Something to Believe In

 

Hi Everyone,

Ah. Another night of sleep, though who knows how much. I went to bed late, probably 11ish and I got up at 7 and there was not a lot of awake time in that so I am assuming that it went well, lol.

Sleep. Who knew? Actually, I did know, I have known and I'm grateful for only one really bad night this last 7 days.

I got two new subscribers to my YouTube channel over the weekend and I am so grateful. I've been doing the affirmations as you know and although I have plenty more of them to do, I'll have to come up with something else.

I'm sure the Universe will provide me with inspiration.

I had a good day yesterday. I will say that at least I got my laundry done. I didn't have energy for much else but then my sister came over and we went out and had another burger.

She's  making sure I tr5ffrt (Pumpkin); she's making sure I'm getting my red meat in. It was hilarious though. This poor waitress was the only one there and she was pretty busy. Anyways, when you go into this restaurant, you have a choice...right to the restaurant or left to the bar. We went to the restaurant and when we were almost done, someone in the bar put $$ in the jukebox and it blared into the restaurant. It was LOUD. Annnnnd, it was Poison - Give Me Something to Believe In. There are a lot of older folks who go to this place and almost all of them started complaining to the one waitress. There was nothing she could do. They were trying to get it to turn off but they couldn't.

She handled it though.

I don't remember the second song, but the 3rd was Rick Jame's Give it to Me Baby. I mean, it was funny. But we came back to my place and watched the entire first season of North of North on Netflix, which if you haven't seen it, watch it. It's feel good, it's funny. I had already watched it once but I was glad to watch it with sissy. She enjoyed it and it said at the end of the season that they'd be back for a season 2, which makes me really happy as well. We need more of these kinds of shows.

Just to give you an idea; Pumpkin likes to hang out with me in the morning, that's when we do most of our bonding. Here she is hanging out near, whilst I write this entry for you:

I can't imagine a life without animals. I sometimes wonder about people without them...do you just not like them, do you just not want the bother? The expense?

I have no idea but if you have kids, I highly recommend having animals too. They are just such an abundant source of unconditional love and comfort. And it teaches us about loving unconditionally as well.

][[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[['7/\0

See. There you go. Pumpkin thinks so too.

But yes, yesterday was a good day. My sister booked a little trip for us this fall while she was here. I'm very excited.

I'll be sure to do some shorts for you all so you can see the beauty of northern Minnesota as well.

Life feels better these past few days.

Life feels doable; still scary and precarious in some ways, but doable and hopeful and happy.

And on that note, I do believe I shall say adieu for the day.

I hope your Sunday is fabulous.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Callings, Whisperings and Requirements

Good Morning!

It's a weird day but beautiful, perhaps the tiniest bit muggy. It's cloudy and we have had light, misting rain on and off. I was outside and I took my shoes off and just stood in the grass.

And now Miss Pumpkin has jumped up on my computer starftgggggggggf...lpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp67y.

Kitty joy at it's finest.

I've been having a quiet morning, slowly getting moving. Did not take a sleeping pill, and I continue not to wear my fitbit, although tomorrow, I am going to put it on to monitor my steps. I am sure I got a good night's sleep.

I want to wear it during the day, just to get a good hold on what I need to do to reach my goal. Then it will come back off.

I need to learn to listen to myself, my body, my intuition and all the noise I talk about, it makes it hard to hear.

Personal peace.

My intuition tells me to get off, and stay off, my phone for anything other than music and talking to or texting my people.

My intuition is telling me to move.

I haven't really been doing that lately. Spurts of it, but not consistently.

I'm still waiting for the results of my pap.

Ugh, I thought I'd have them by now.

Everything else has been positive for the most part and I hope that trend continues.

We shall see.

Best to keep busy in the meanwhile.

It can take 4-6 weeks for antidepressants to kick in and maybe it's just a placebo effect because it's only been a few days but I do seem to feel calmer and my mornings haven't been crushingly depressed.

So that's good. I'll take it.

Today, I have goals but I go into them knowing my best effort is all I can do.

It's all I can do. I still continue to feel overwhelmed by life and all of it's callings and whisperings and requirements. 

I don't know. I'm OK today. Maybe a tiny bit better than OK.

And so, on that note, I shall say...I hope you have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Phantom Smells

 

Good Morning,

Oh man. I did get some sleep, no idea how much but I also took a sleeping pill. I'm not depressed this morning, just groggy.

This apartment is bad. I need to clean it.

My goal for this weekend is all about cleaning and organizing.

It has to be. 

You can only ignore it for so long, ya know?

So I still don't have my pap results back and that's frustrating, but in all fairness, it can take up to a week.

Next Wednesday, the CTs. I'm going to skip the sleep study.

Or maybe I'll call and see if they have a Friday night option. I just don't want to do this on a week night. It'd be too much.

I posted a hilarious video about Pumpkin yesterday and it got over 1K views. People like Pumps.

Here it is:

I want to make more of these but maybe with actual video and not pics. 

I'm learning as I go with this stuff.

I forgot to tell you guys another thing that happened with that weird medication I decided not to take again, the one that threw me into the panic attack. 

That day, when I got home, I was sitting on the couch with my daughter and I kept smelling like, a combination of ashtray and tobacco, like not smoked tobacco but the kind in swishers.

I kept asking my daughter if she'd dumped anything in the garbage and she was like, "No. Mom. No." And then, all of a sudden, I smelled the worst shit smell I've ever smelled. It wasn't like a ripe fart, it was like rotting body feces or something.

And I asked my daughter if she farted and again, she was like, "No. I'd tell you."

It was awful, you guys, so awful.

And then, it went as quickly as it came. I looked up the side effects again and yes, it turns out with proton pump inhibitors, you can have phantom smells and it said that they are rarely pleasant smells.

That stuff is freaky nasty shit.

No thank you.

Walking around in a panic, smelling rotting corpse shit is not my idea of a good time. I don't recommend this stuff at all. 

My stomach has been OK these last few days so we're rolling with that.

I'm glad it's Friday. Work has been...interesting.

Not bad but...I let something slip that perhaps I shouldn't have. Not about my past or anything, meaning my "issues" with certain things but my spiritual beliefs. It just popped out in conversation. 

It was met with stony silence.

Oops.

I do hope, Sunday afternoon perhaps, to spend some time job searching.

Just to see what might be out there.

There were crazies calling in all day too. I just...it drives me nuts.

Anyways, I'm good this morning and now I have to go shower and get ready.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Poked In the Butt

Good Morning,

Whew! What a day I had yesterday. Man.

Ok, so I took this amped up proton pump inhibitor for like...acid reflux. I don't get heartburn or anything like that but I'm susceptible to ulcers so I have to take that stuff...but historically, I really don't.

There's an over the counter, prilosec and it's real name is omeprazole. This prescription I got was that times about 10.

Ummm, no.

Never again.

I had my first official panic attack yesterday. I have thought in the past that I was having one but nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

I felt like I couldn't breath, my heart was racing and pounding. I wanted to scream to escape the fear that took over me. It was awful.

So then I looked at the side effects. Panic attacks are not one of them but...I looked the medication up and review after review stated that people went into panic, went to the hospital, got off of the stuff and are still fucked up.

Like I said, never again.

But also, the side effects that it is known to cause? Yeah, Lupus, osteoporosis, total depletion of B12 and D, along with some others.

Again...no.

I am going to have to start being very, very careful about what I eat. 

And just, for the love of the Gods, be healthy.

I have to take care of myself.

I'm still waiting to get back results on one of the tests, I made my CT appointments for next Wednesday. The only remaining one to make is the sleep study but I don't know if I want to do all that.

I hardly slept last night but you know, a couple things. I always wake up around 2 and I wish there was something fast acting but that had a fast lifespan too because if I were to take a hydroxyzine at two in the morning, I wouldn't wake up until 9 or so and I'd be groggy and just awful.

I didn't take any hydroxyzine last night. I won't take it for days in a row because of the effect it has on me emotionally.

I don't think I'll take it tonight either. I'd rather get a good night's sleep on Friday into Saturday.

But as I get older, I want to be away from home less and less. 

Once in awhile is fine but not to go sleep in some clinic and have them give me weird drugs to try and then have to get up and go to work.

Um, no.

When I look back on this year, it's been a hard one.

But here I am, still standing.

Trying not to fall asleep while standing but standing none the less.

Ok, something weird. 

Last night, right before Pumps made her nightly visit for love (usually around 2:30AM), I'm laying there, having just before woken up and I swear to God, something touched my butt. It wasn't the blanket, it felt like someone poked me in my butt cheek.

I'm serious.

I'm totally serious.

I mean, maybe I was still half asleep, but when I looked, there was nothing there. It had to be one of the cats right?

I've never had a ghost vibe in this place. Never.

Anyways, that's where things are at today.

I'm ok. 

Happy to have my other meds, can't wait for them to kick in and take the edge off of these rather large emotions I've been having this past six months or so.

I always used to say normal is boring and it is, it is, but you know what? I could go for a little boring right about now.

I hope you all have a great day.

Today's short:

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie
 

Results

Good Morning!

Well, I gave in and took a sleeping pill last night. I'm OK this morning. No fitbit but I went to bed by 7:30, it was still light out and I slept until 5.

So that's good. I know I got in at least 7.5 hours. 

What a difference. 

So I went to the doc yesterday and more bloodwork which was surprisingly good.

I have to have two CTs, one for lungs and one for everything from my neck down to the pubic line.

And I had a test to see if I still am fighting something else and if I am, to see if it has progressed. I'm waiting on those results but it may be a few days.

My BP has gone WAY down. Naturally.

Overall, my cholesteral is good but the LDL is a tiny bit high. Iron levels good, but ferratin just the tiniest bit low.

I have to have a sleep disorder study too. This is not for apnea. I already know I have that. This may give some insight on how to help me with the insomnia. My doctor pretty much told me that the next thing to do medically is take a hynotic, such as Ambien and I won't do that because I've had episodes of sleep walking in my life and one of the times, I ended up across the street, in my night gown, barefoot in the dead of winter.

Yup, not willing to encourage that again. People with sleepwalking are encouraged NOT to take hypnotics for sleep.

I have a friend whose been on Ambien for years but she has a husband there who can keep an eye on her. She's literally had whole conversations she doesn't remember, etc.

No thanks.

I mean, happy it works for her with only very infrequent episodes but I always get the weird side effects. If it's weird and it's abnormal and rare, I will get it.

Anyways, all good for now. Couple more results and a couple more tests and I'll know squarely where I sit with my health.

This was so worth it.

Ok, have a great day everyone.

Here are my latest shorts:

Be Blessed, everyone of you!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Such a Task

 

Good Morning,

I meant to blog yesterday, even started one but time got away from me. And soon, I have to shower so I get out the door on time.

Again, I have no clue how I slept. I do think I'm going to put the fitbit on again, but only during the day so that I can monitor my steps. I don't like not knowing.

And sometimes, it does push me to work a little harder.

The only thing about the sleep monitoring that I miss is knowing my resting heart rate, what it sinks down to.

But overall, I think it's good not to use it for sleep monitoring.

And I think if I try to reach my goal for the week, I should have a good understanding of what that looks like, and how hard to push myself without the fitbit.

I just don't want to be reliant on it anymore.

Ugh, doctor's appointment this afternoon. I don't mean ugh that I have to go but I have to shave when I shower and do something with the girl part because it's not pretty.

Not that my doctor cares but I do.

My boss is going out on the crew today to help get the jobs done faster since it's going to be so hot. The guys hydrate and everything but still...and today is supposed to be even more brutal than yesterday and yesterday...was bad.

I used to love winter but last winter was the first one where the cold was hard on me too.

Getting old is so lovely.

At least by the end of this week, I may have some answers as to why I am experiencing some of the pain and discomfort I've been feeling, I'll be on meds and on my way to better health...I hope.

I just don't want to sit here and cry anymore. I am so sick of crying and this eternal sadness.

I hope it's not eternal, I hope it'll be solved with the antidepressants.

The triage people called me yesterday, concerned. I had to fill out paperwork prior to my appointment and they do a depression assessment and apparently, I scored so high, they were worried I was planning to off myself. I told them no, I'm just that sad.

No plans for the end.

Yeah, so at least I get to leave work early today. 

I'm ok with the job now and they are ok with me but I have to say that it's just...it's boring and it's so sedentary. Once it's not so hot outside, I'll go for little walks every hour or so, just like a 2 to 3 minute walk to keep things flowing. I've been having a little bit of a problem with swelling in my lower legs and ankles and feetsies.

Movement is one of the things that can help with that. 

And...drum roll...I drank 8 glasses of water yesterday. I was also up 3 times to pee last night. I'm still peeing it all out for goodness sakes.

Alright, I better go. Time to hit the shower.

Why does everything feel like such a task? 

Yesterday's short:

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Let it Be What It Is

 

Hi Everyone,

Well. Interesting night. This was the 2nd night in a row I did not take anything to aid me in sleep and also the 2nd night in a row without my fitbit.

I honestly have no idea how much sleep I got. Not even an idea. I know I went to bed late. I also know I woke up twice and one of the times, I found it hard to get back to sleep and I cried. Crying helped. I went back to sleep. Pumpkin likes to visit me anytime between 2AM and 3AM and so I had time with her but again, I got back to sleep and I believe it was around 6:45, I woke up for good. 

You guys, I was in a rage when I woke up. I woke up from a dream that I can't even begin to fully explain but it was kindof apocalyptic.

I managed to calm myself down. 

I'm getting better with the dream thing because they used to fuck up my entire day. And now...I can talk myself down.

But that rage...I haven't felt rage in a long, long time. I've been angry. Anger is normal as long as you don't stay stuck in it. Rage though? There is rarely a reason for rage unless you are in fight or flight and need to tear shit up and burn it down is upon you.

I had a good day yesterday. My sister came out and we got a burger. Clearly, because of some of the things that showed up in my bloodwork, I need more iron and I am unable to take iron supplements because they fuck my shit up royally so more food that are iron rich and I literally never eat red meat anymore because it's so expensive but I'm going to have a bit more of it in my diet. And lots of spinach. Luckily, I love spinach, as long as it's raw. I can eat it cooked in certain circumstances.

And my mom, she has had to get iron transfusions, not blood, but iron. I'm open to that if it means I'll get better. So much of my exhaustion can be explained by this.

As for today, there is much to do.

As far as my damn lists, one project per week or two. Although I can't afford it, I'm going to at least ask what a garage would cost me. So many of the things I have in storage can go in the garage because they are not dependent on temperature.

I know that clearing out this apartment would help me mentally so much.

Anyways, I digress.

My sister. Yes, she took us out for lunch and then we hung out. She looked so pretty. Now I'm back to wanting my hair blond again but just...the damage it did, ya know? I was thinking though, that maybe, but only when I can afford it, I'll do the blond again but when I need a touch up, I'll only do the crown area, to keep it bright and pretty. Once the gray comes in, it really gets so dull looking.

We are not there yet though because I can't afford it...so today, I have to cover up this damn gray again. God, once it kicks in, it really just kicks in.

Getting old sucks.

But yeah, my sister looked so pretty. 

She traveled this summer and she told me a little bit more about her trip.

She had a good time. I am still wanting to travel once I get laid off, but I think I'll probably skip the Florida trip. There's reasoning behind it but no need to go into that here.

I'd like to maybe do a whole New England trip. I'd like to spend time with several people. It would require a rental car though. I have to figure this all out.

I do know that Washington is a for sure.

I literally won't have to get a hotel room and I literally won't have to rent a car. 

This morning, my daughter was up early. She's really been making an effort to drive and my brother inlaw has been so good about driving all the way out here, picking her up and driving with her.

So this morning, she and I went on a drive and she's doing so well. One freak out, because a little bunny ran out in front of us but she was able to break and the bunny made it safely to the other side.

I have some ideas about today but it'll be what it is and we'll just go from there. 

Pain today is minimal so that's good too.

I think I can have a nice day and just relax into it and like I said, let it be what it will be.

So on that note, I shall return tomorrow.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

My Sister Knows About "Stuff"

 

Hi Everyone,

I'm better today. I stuck to keeping my fitbit off and it's stressing me out a little bit but not to bad. I just don't want to define myself by numbers anymore. I find that when I stop doing things compulsively or obsessively, I'm just more rooted in reality and where I'm really at.

It's so easy to focus on these things that in the end, have made no positive difference in my life. I know what I need to do. And I know what things are good for me and what things are not.

I did have a crisis yesterday in terms of pain and that led me to Urgent Care. They took my vitals and those were a complete and welcome shock. BP of  over 113 over 65. Oxygen saturation of 99. I don't remember what my pulse was, but it was good.

Initial bloodwork was very good overall with some anomalies but I'll cover those with my doctor at my checkup on Tuesday.

I'm sure many appointments will come out of that. This morning, I have a mammogram.

I have meditated, I have done my Wim Hoff breathing. I took zero last night for sleep. I have no idea how much I slept but I feel good this morning.

Life is doable.

I need more iron so sister and I are gonna get us a burger somewhere. 

My sister...man. She knows so much "stuff" about the body and it's systems. Everything that came up on the test results I was able to run by her and she explained what it was and what it could mean and all that. 

Girl is smart.

I'm grateful for her.

And there are other changes coming but best not to speak of them until they have happened. So...on that note, I'm gonna go shower and get ready for the booby squash and I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully without my fitbit, lol.

I posted another kitty video, this one about my beloved Grey.

Enjoy.

I wish you all a productive, calm, happy Saturday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Phasing Out

 Hi Folks,

I’m writing this one at work as I go and have time. 

I’m shocked I made it in today.

I have hit bottom.

But the bottom, I am finding, is much softer than it used to be and I am able to bounce a bit.

It’s a sortof trampoline bottom.

I slept yesterday but it was broken up and of course, I did not get good sleep last night but then I also remembered; full fucking moon.

Maybe that shit isn’t scientifically proven but I believe it affects me.

Yesterday was literally spent down. I had to. See this is what happens after even just two nights of no sleep. I lose my fucking shit.

So no drama but let’s talk about EVERYTHING; except that I’ll actually do that in long form videos.

Which, btw, I sound like a broken record, but thank you so much again for the support of my channel.

It’s keeping me somewhat in gratitude and as hard as I’m trying, that has been difficult of late.

I made some changes; social media, at least for the foreseeable future, is for my WW page and YouTube only. 

I know many are in fear and it radiates all over my shit.

It’s going to literally kill me but I can’t convince anyone that fear is paralyzing for most. I can only set my own boundaries.

I’m only addressing what I have the power to change.

Yes, I care what’s going on politically but that doesn’t mean I have to lose my shit. Losing my shit won’t help the situation and it’s a situation that I have no control over. If I give in to fear, they win anyways.

I’m Denise. I want to focus my energy on where I can make a difference. 

I did have a good talk with my daughter.

It was bitching at first, then tears and then a good talk.

I took off my Fitbit this morning and I am a slave to it no more.

I’m Denise and I will do my best. It has made no positive impact in my life except to stress me the fuck out. 

I have been slowing phasing out parts of my skincare routine.

I’m going to journal tonight about the shame piece of who I am and start facing this and creating new affirmations for myself around it.

Tonight will mostly be around self care and the weekend will be what the weekend will be.

I have been doing major damage with the dermatillomania and so I am giving in and getting my nails done tonight.

I need to pick, no pun intended, my battles. This has to stop.

So tonight, some exercise, bougie bath, nails.

I’m also creating a list for my doctor’s appt in the 15th so that we can hit everything and make appointments accordingly. I think I wrote about the pain in my back? It’s now radiating to the front as well and it may likely be gallstones. I say may be, because I’m done trying to evaluate and figure out everything too.

Fuck that shit.

Whatever it takes to relieve this anxiety, I’ll do it. This will require major boundary setting, mostly within myself.

No political discussions. I think I’m fine when I’m having them but then I spiral. 

For me, it comes down to what I can control and what I can’t and where my efforts may make some kind of difference. That’s where my power lies.

And so on that note, I’m gonna go.

Be Blessed today.

Love and Light,

Neecie

Won't Say Don't

Good Morning,

Well. Here we are. Um, this is not meant to be gloom and doom. Although I know my people will worry even if I say don't, so I won't say don't.

I have officially hit bottom with everything.

I have a doctor's appointment next week, I couldn't get in until then. 

I am not going to work today.

Because I have to get some sleep.

This no sleep thing, the effect it has on me is almost immediate.

And...I don't self-sabotage anymore and maybe that's some of what's going on but see...saying that has become part of the problem too and it has to do with the way my mind tries to take everything in at once and then tries to make it fit, tries to make it understandable, tries to intellectualize it.

I'm constantly looking for reasons for things, and things that could help me.

Today I am saying, STOP Denise, just...fucking...Stop.

There is no magic cure for sleep, there is no magic cure for mental health shit but there are things that will help.

The fact that my beloved grandkitty Pumpkin has been following me around all morning, trying to comfort me, that helps.

Because it's just so unconditional. She loves me.

I just took my sleeping meds and I am going to go back to bed. I would've had a complete meltdown if I went to work.

Today, it really did come down to; go to work and fall apart utterly and completely or stay home and go back to bed and get up and let's start the process of healing.

With no expectations either.

No plan for the day.

I am so grateful for my people. I have people who love me and that love is non-judgmental and unconditional.

But they also worry and perhaps more than anything, that is why I often times don't talk about how bad things really get with me. I have this uncanny ability to switch gears emotionally and this is what allows me to keep going but it's the way I keep going; hyper focusing on so many things and there simply is no consistency.

Still. Be assured that I want to get better and push through all this.

I do know that there is too much noise around me.

You know, I believe that everything happens for a reason and I believe that includes life on the grander scale too, the big things, the political things, world events, weather...it's all these things that are out of my control and maybe it's happening because part of my journey is just learning to take care of myself in the midst of it.

I am ok in the midst of not being ok. 

There are some immediate things I can do and the rest will take time, open mindedness, a bit of pushing myself and consistency.

Here's what I posted this morning:

My subscribership continues to grow and that is amazing and gratifying and one of the things I think of when I focus on gratitude.

There is much to be grateful for.

And I'm starting to get loopy, meds kicking in.

Let the healing begin.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

At Least I Can Say...

 Hi Everyone,

q    11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111c . Well, that is Pumpkin, apparently that is how you write out hello in cat speak.

I love this little girl sou jmujjcjjjjjjhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjji843,33333333333r5asjl.

Ok, she made it to the counter, I moved the computer desk to the living room and I have to squeeze in here so it makes a wee bit harder when she wants to jump up and investigate.

I'm very, very tired. 4 hours last night. I'm almost out of my sleep drink and I can't afford more. I do have the hydroxyzine but that crash...I don't know if I have another one in me. I'm afraid I'll crash lower because I haven't come back from the one last weekend. 

I'm fighting my way back but man...

My oldest daughter came over last night, she was with my youngest.

I know it's not all the hydroxyzine. I know it's me. I'm going to do one good thing for myself today (actually I've already done a few) and that is that I am going to schedule a doctor's appointment.

I just looked up my doctor and she's in my network. I do have insurance but it's complicated. I've decided it's worth the risk.

And I'm looking, just looking, for another job. I found one on Indeed that could work but of course, then we begin the process of interviewing, bla bla bla and not getting jobs. 

Thank God I have one.

I have to go.

The apartment is a mess and I at least want to get my clean clothes put away so if I do come home and deflate, I can say, "well, I gott'er done this morning."

Big Love to you all.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Buy Now

 

Hello There,

Ugh. I was in a deep sleep last night and was woken up and then the struggle was real as they say, although I did manage to put together some sleep and much of it was deep and REM and perhaps that why I feel better this morning.

I'm tired but I don't feel like I'm falling completely apart.

Pumpkin inevitably jumps up at some point in the night and wants love. So I give it to her and she stayed a bit longer than usual.

I had a dream last night that both of my daughters and I were moving out of an apartment and it was the last minute so we had to go get everything out and the cats were still there and Pumpkin was HUGE. And she was pregnant, her belly was huge and she had huge kitty milkers. 

She can't get pregnant in real life. We took care of that shortly after getting her. And then I dreamed that I went to cut something out of my hair but ended up cutting it all off. It was horrible.

So I did manage to get a thing or two done last night but not nearly as much as I had wanted to. And the thing is, there really wasn't that much.

But I can only do what I can do.

I watched a documentary on Netflix called Buy Now and if you care about this planet at all, you should watch it. This mass consumerism has to stop.

I started evaluating how I shop and how things are bottled/contained. There are 3 countries that receive the brunt of waste dumped into the ocean and you cannot even see the beach on these places, it's mainly discarded clothing.

It's awful.

I didn't get overwhelmed by it, just saddened and determined to try and make some kind of difference. I looked up ethical clothing companies and you know, some of this shit is expensive but it's worth it in terms of wear and durability and it's biodegradability. 

Humans really kind of suck. But this documentary showed how the public was manipulated by companies like Amazon and Shein and Temu.

And Jeff Bezos just had a multi-million dollar wedding.

You go bro.

Unbelievable.

And I was surprised at some of the celebrities that showed up for this shit.

Ok, I'll stop. We all have our battles and I guess this one will be mine because I can do something about it on a personal level and I think right now, we could all use some personal power. Feeling like we have some choices left.

I know I can't fully get rid of all my waste but I'm going to start with plastics. Whatever I have right now, I'm just going to keep but going forward, I'm going to try and buy products that do not come in plastic containers, etc.

I'm also going to try and start buying ethical clothing and take better care of it.

I'm going to start doing a series on YouTube about this.

And I am going to stop letting myself be manipulated by media about what I need and how much, etc.

We are zombies to this shit. Literally brainless.

Done.

Alright, one with my day.

Have a good one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Yes, I Can

 

Hi Everyone,

Oh boy. Not a good morning. Anxiety. It's bad. It's really, really bad.

I am going to meditate soon and hopefully, that will help.

I woke up from a dream, apparently I was either working for Trump, or working for someone who knew him. He came to my desk and he was rubbing my cheek with his finger and he offered me a facelift, said he'd pay for it. He told me how beautiful I'd be.

Clearly, I've been spending too much time on this guy, giving him too much space in my head.

I had a bad day again yesterday. I felt better but then I just crashed. I crashed big time. 

I did finally manage to at least get the dishes done and put away, get the counters wiped down. 

What is happening to me?

This depressed, sad, sit on the couch girl is so not me.

All I can come up with is that the world is too noisy. There's too much coming at me, including myself, ya know?

And I'm too noisy, I need to still and calm and center myself.

Ok, so. I'll just try to do that. I'm going to do all my morning stuff and take a shower. A shower usually helps. 

I'm not doing myself any favors sitting here blogging. Even this is stressing me out, so I'm gonna go and uh, just see what this day brings.

I can do that. The affirmation for this week is that I release all limiting beliefs that no longer serve me. One of them is that I can't. 

Oh yes I can. I can do this.

Ok, have a good day everyone.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Blessed Be Our Journey

 

Good Morning,

Hi Everyone. Well. Yesterday? Not good. I crashed. I have no idea what these "cycles" are that I experience it and I am done labeling it. I just have to ride them out I guess.

There is way too much noise in the world right now. Just way to much. I'm tired of it. I can't hear it all, it has become this clashing, crashing cacophony of loudness and it seems to me that it's driven by all the hate and fear in the world.

I know I can't change any of that. I only know I can change me and that's where the whole protect my personal peace thing comes in but in protecting my own peace, I am coming to realize that it's not just about me, it's about everyone I come in contact with. I'm not here to teach anyone anything. It's not ego. But it's about love. I keep getting these messages in my dreams and this morning, the sun was shining in right on my face. I had been having a dream about Pumpkin's paws and I woke up to the sun on my face. And I saw something, but I no longer know what it was, I just know it was good and I know that today will be much better than yesterday but I also know that I have to let a lot of things go.

I can't hate anymore. I can't live in this fear. It's so awful, going down that rabbit hole of the state of the world.

I can't worry about all the things that have been worrying me. You guys, I was in pain all day yesterday with stomach issues.

It was horrid. I ate tums like there was no tomorrow.

I'm going to fast and just drink tons of water today in an effort to reset myself.

I keep thinking of that saying, "we are not human beings, but rather, we are spiritual beings on a human journey.

And this journey? It's hard. Let's just...at our most honest, it's hard.

If you really want to get "out there", I have realized something and it won't mean anything to anyone whose not ready to hear it but this country? It's not ours. This world? It belongs to everyone and everything and we just...we blew it. 

When did man first corrupt himself with greed and power? When did love lose it's foothold as the supreme goal? When did hate and fear take hold? When did me and mine become a thing? We are all ours, we all belong to one another - this applies to the grass, to the waters, to the mountains and the sky...all of ours and we are theirs.

We got it all wrong and the descendants of that first group of "higher" intelligence humanoids, this is our legacy. 

If animals could speak, I think they would tell us that they feel so sorry for us.

There is enough in this world to sustain us all but yet...people go without, people are subject to horrors at the whim of those few in power.

Yesterday was so dark, it was just so dark for me, all the anxiety and sadness and feelings of being overwhelmed took hold. 

You know what? Fuck all the shit going on in the world. I have no control over it, none. But the one thing I do own is the one thing that no one can take, even if I were to offer it up, they can't truly have it and that's me, that's my spirit and I can choose to focus on that and feed that.

Because my spirit belongs to everything and everyone, that's what I believe we return to.

I know this will scare people when I say that I often times long to "go home" because of how hard this life is, and I know that others have it so much worse. I will go home someday. And I hope I never, ever, have to come back here. I want to learn what we come here to learn this time so that I don't have to come back.

So I'm not there yet, I'm not fully committed but it gives me some peace to know that I can go back anytime I want to. I don't have to choose to stay here.

But for now I do, for now. 

And I don't know how much time I have left but I'd like to pay off my debt and then...I don't know how but I want to say goodbye to the expectations that society puts on us and just experience living...

I don't want to work until I'm 80. I want some freedom, I want to share what's in my heart, which is love and curiosity and good conversation. I want to do some good.

If I somehow find what it takes to make this happen, I will always share with others. I will share what monetary blessings I have because I truly believe that in order to keep it, we have to give it away, and I will share love too.

I have had great love in this lifetime too and there are some who have never known it so I want to give that away where I can as well.

How's this for an out there blog post?

I can't go on this way. It's eating me up inside.

That's what hate and fear do.

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, we shall know peace - Jimi Hendrix.

Blessed Be Our Journey.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Beauty and Blemishes

 

Hi Everyone,

Well today is not so bad. I woke up and I was sortof in between as far as feeling rested and the same with my emotional/mental state but it's been a productive morning already.

These are all good things.

I have a list for the day! What? Really?

LOL.

I do not have time frames for all of this though. It's just gonna be a day. I'll get outside only minimally because we are under a heat advisory. The heat, especially heat like this, still has the power to deflate me but I do need to take the garbage out, clean out my car, take my daughter to work and to pick up the groceries I'll be ordering soon.

I've been listening to music all morning. Currently, Duran Duran is playing...Ordinary World. I try not to get lost in the nostalgia music can bring on. And I just realized the lyrics are me.

I'm kindof blown away. 

My brother posted a picture of mom today and she had her red blanket on her. Red. Mom. A message.

Cried for a minute and just let all her love in.

And now we carry on...in this ordinary world.

But with a bit more gratitude, happy tears and knowledge that I am on the right path, no matter how mundane it may seem.

Magic comes when it wants to and sometimes, you have to really look for it to see it for what it is.

Alright, well writing this blog for me, is sometimes a break from any building anxiety about my day or just gives me comfort in it's regularity - one of my rituals.

Life is beautiful, I am happy that I'm aligned with that today. And today, I will look for the beauty instead of the blemishes.

And if I end up seeing blemishes anyway, I will see the beauty in them too.

Be Blessed My Beautiful People.

Be Blessed and have a beautiful day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Locks

 

Hi Guys,

Oh man. Yup, good sleep last night. Grateful, all the good stuff. I don't usually check my sleep stats right away anymore but I felt really good when my alarm went off so I looked and surprise...great stats.

I am so grateful to my bestie. She messaged me yesterday asking if I had time to talk before work yesterday so we did that.

I just think a lot of people are going through the same things right now. The world is loud, the world is crowded, it's angry too, you can feel people simmering just below the surface.

It's whatevs.

But it's nice to be able to say I'm going through this, this, this...and the other person going yup, yup, yup, me too.

And she remembered that I wrote about my blood pressure being high a while back and she asked about that. I'm actually going in to work really early and I'm going to go to Cub Foods and check it on the way.

I had an amazing dinner last night, my boss let me pick a free Green Chef meal as she orders those weekly. I thought that was so nice. They send you everything you need but you still need to the prep, it's just basically already portioned out for you.

It was so flippin' yummy.

It was a big meal, both my daughter and I had a full plate and we couldn't finish it.

Annnnd more drama with my car. It's drivable. It's nothing with the engine, it's the car lock again but this time, it's the pad you push to lock and unlock the car. It's on the inside of the car. My daughter was with me when it happened and I just...laughed. 

I don't care. I can't deal with that right now and that car can fall apart all around me if it wants, but as long as I can drive it until my debt is paid off, I'm good.

I do want a new car but now is not the time for that. Now is so not the time.

So I can lock the door old school with the key.

Whatevs.

Like I said, one big whatevs.

Kindof boring blogs the last few mornings, I'm just...distracted I think. I'm going to go shower and then go take my damn blood pressure and then I'm on my way to work. 

Half day, I got this!!

Hope you all have a good one, be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Chemical MakeUp

Hello Everyone,

Ok, well, I am pushing through a major depression. I woke up at 3 and it had hit. I just started sobbing. I was able to get back to sleep thank goodness.

So I guess this is just me. Nothing has changed to have brought this on. All is well. So after all the blogs about it's this or that, I guess it's just how my chemical makeup is.

It's just me.

I don't know that there is anything magical I can do. 

I had a very good day yesterday. It wasn't over the top good, just very good. I did get very emotional for some reason at dinner. My friend Tracy invited me over and she had a little gift for me and she made us BLTs but I was overcome with "me" and my feelings.

I just felt so much gratitude for having her and her husband in my life and sitting there with them and thinking, "here is someone who loves me unconditionally and she shared something with me, made herself vulnerable and I was so awed by that. 

So you know, I'm a big feeling girl. And I guess I had big feelings and I always crash when I have them. I wish I didn't. Feeling love or happiness or whatever, can throw my shit right off.

There were things at work too and nothing bad, I didn't do anything wrong, things that I have no control over, the emotions of others and I'm trying to stay grounded about it, trying to not take it on as my own because it isn't mine. It's not about me, it's not towards me...it's what someone else goes through but I think the problem lies in that it sortof reminds me of myself and I see how it affects others and I can't help but think about...wow, I was like this too and I see first hand how it affects the people she loves and who love her back and...I'm not in a place of judgement anymore, I can't be. But it brings up a lot for me because I affected people too and now I get to see it and I suppose, no I think I know, that's why I landed here, in this job. I think it's...I've been getting so much better and really trying to be mindful and it's now my time to understand all this and see the bigger picture.

It's not to wallow in guilt in shame but to be able to navigate something with grace and dignity and above all else, to give grace and dignity for someone who hasn't traversed what I have, and who has no clue why she is the way she is, or that her actions are hurting those she loves.

God, I gotta be so very careful about what I write. I don't mean anything bad, I just see so much of me, even how I was 10 years ago and I need to stay objective and just...send love out, be loving, be understanding.

So just some very big feelings yesterday. I am not used to navigating these yet. That much is clear. I see them now, these big feelings, I recognize them for what they are but I also...I clearly need to do more work in order to not let them get the best of me. 

So I think work, coupled with this incredible feeling of love and acceptance that I experienced last night, it threw me off chemically and here I am this morning.

I am grateful for all of life's lessons.

And at first, the feelings this morning were crushing me and I've come far enough that I know I will make it in to work and tomorrow, I go in super early and I get off at noon and I don't have to go back until Monday and who knows what the Gods have in store for me this weekend but I can hope and choose to believe that it will be good. Maybe tiny good, maybe big good, but good.

I try to stay very positive on my YouTube shorts and I'm not sure if I'll post one this morning. I don't want to be all fake and act like everything is always good, but I know I'll cry and I don't know if I should be doing that for the world to see.

My YouTube used to be nothing but bitching and/or tears.

I gotta go get ready darlings.

I got this. Only one more wake up day.

This will pass, it always does. Just gotta ride it out and not act out if that makes sense. I have this, this doesn't have me.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Grab, Squeeze, Twist and Pull

 

Hi Everyone,

Good Morning. Boy, we had really pretty mornings both yesterday and today. And I am so grateful for that. It was partly cloudy yesterday but not that gray, dismal shit. The sun came out on the reg through big, fluffy, beautiful white clouds. 

I love it.

I got through yesterday and when I got home, it wasn't just plopping down on the couch.

I did get some of the things done that I wanted to and some of them were financial things; tonight I have to pay two bills, which...ugh.

Whatever. It's part of my journey right now.

That's all this financial shit is, part of the journey and I'm fully engaged and thank you Universe for the opportunity to grow and change and be grateful for every second of it.

I mean that.

Turns out I really mean that.

Life, I'm told, is like balls. And you gotta grab it by said balls. I was taught, when it comes to balls that one should grab, squeeze, twist and pull.

Don't ask, it's a family joke and will make my sister laugh if she see's it.

I got good sleep, there is just a tiny lingering of the malaise I felt from the sleeping meds. I haven't taken them in two nights and I feel better emotionally.

I think I've got that now. They affect me negatively. Get it in your head Denise. They affect me negatively.

Me no likey.

Friday nights only and then, only if I haven't gotten decent sleep all week. 

Here is the short I posted yesterday and my VisionList Update for the week.

Thanks you guys! I appreciate all the support and continued kindness. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie