Phasing Out

 Hi Folks,

I’m writing this one at work as I go and have time. 

I’m shocked I made it in today.

I have hit bottom.

But the bottom, I am finding, is much softer than it used to be and I am able to bounce a bit.

It’s a sortof trampoline bottom.

I slept yesterday but it was broken up and of course, I did not get good sleep last night but then I also remembered; full fucking moon.

Maybe that shit isn’t scientifically proven but I believe it affects me.

Yesterday was literally spent down. I had to. See this is what happens after even just two nights of no sleep. I lose my fucking shit.

So no drama but let’s talk about EVERYTHING; except that I’ll actually do that in long form videos.

Which, btw, I sound like a broken record, but thank you so much again for the support of my channel.

It’s keeping me somewhat in gratitude and as hard as I’m trying, that has been difficult of late.

I made some changes; social media, at least for the foreseeable future, is for my WW page and YouTube only. 

I know many are in fear and it radiates all over my shit.

It’s going to literally kill me but I can’t convince anyone that fear is paralyzing for most. I can only set my own boundaries.

I’m only addressing what I have the power to change.

Yes, I care what’s going on politically but that doesn’t mean I have to lose my shit. Losing my shit won’t help the situation and it’s a situation that I have no control over. If I give in to fear, they win anyways.

I’m Denise. I want to focus my energy on where I can make a difference. 

I did have a good talk with my daughter.

It was bitching at first, then tears and then a good talk.

I took off my Fitbit this morning and I am a slave to it no more.

I’m Denise and I will do my best. It has made no positive impact in my life except to stress me the fuck out. 

I have been slowing phasing out parts of my skincare routine.

I’m going to journal tonight about the shame piece of who I am and start facing this and creating new affirmations for myself around it.

Tonight will mostly be around self care and the weekend will be what the weekend will be.

I have been doing major damage with the dermatillomania and so I am giving in and getting my nails done tonight.

I need to pick, no pun intended, my battles. This has to stop.

So tonight, some exercise, bougie bath, nails.

I’m also creating a list for my doctor’s appt in the 15th so that we can hit everything and make appointments accordingly. I think I wrote about the pain in my back? It’s now radiating to the front as well and it may likely be gallstones. I say may be, because I’m done trying to evaluate and figure out everything too.

Fuck that shit.

Whatever it takes to relieve this anxiety, I’ll do it. This will require major boundary setting, mostly within myself.

No political discussions. I think I’m fine when I’m having them but then I spiral. 

For me, it comes down to what I can control and what I can’t and where my efforts may make some kind of difference. That’s where my power lies.

And so on that note, I’m gonna go.

Be Blessed today.

Love and Light,

Neecie