Won't Say Don't

Good Morning,

Well. Here we are. Um, this is not meant to be gloom and doom. Although I know my people will worry even if I say don't, so I won't say don't.

I have officially hit bottom with everything.

I have a doctor's appointment next week, I couldn't get in until then. 

I am not going to work today.

Because I have to get some sleep.

This no sleep thing, the effect it has on me is almost immediate.

And...I don't self-sabotage anymore and maybe that's some of what's going on but see...saying that has become part of the problem too and it has to do with the way my mind tries to take everything in at once and then tries to make it fit, tries to make it understandable, tries to intellectualize it.

I'm constantly looking for reasons for things, and things that could help me.

Today I am saying, STOP Denise, just...fucking...Stop.

There is no magic cure for sleep, there is no magic cure for mental health shit but there are things that will help.

The fact that my beloved grandkitty Pumpkin has been following me around all morning, trying to comfort me, that helps.

Because it's just so unconditional. She loves me.

I just took my sleeping meds and I am going to go back to bed. I would've had a complete meltdown if I went to work.

Today, it really did come down to; go to work and fall apart utterly and completely or stay home and go back to bed and get up and let's start the process of healing.

With no expectations either.

No plan for the day.

I am so grateful for my people. I have people who love me and that love is non-judgmental and unconditional.

But they also worry and perhaps more than anything, that is why I often times don't talk about how bad things really get with me. I have this uncanny ability to switch gears emotionally and this is what allows me to keep going but it's the way I keep going; hyper focusing on so many things and there simply is no consistency.

Still. Be assured that I want to get better and push through all this.

I do know that there is too much noise around me.

You know, I believe that everything happens for a reason and I believe that includes life on the grander scale too, the big things, the political things, world events, weather...it's all these things that are out of my control and maybe it's happening because part of my journey is just learning to take care of myself in the midst of it.

I am ok in the midst of not being ok. 

There are some immediate things I can do and the rest will take time, open mindedness, a bit of pushing myself and consistency.

Here's what I posted this morning:

My subscribership continues to grow and that is amazing and gratifying and one of the things I think of when I focus on gratitude.

There is much to be grateful for.

And I'm starting to get loopy, meds kicking in.

Let the healing begin.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie