Chemical MakeUp

Hello Everyone,

Ok, well, I am pushing through a major depression. I woke up at 3 and it had hit. I just started sobbing. I was able to get back to sleep thank goodness.

So I guess this is just me. Nothing has changed to have brought this on. All is well. So after all the blogs about it's this or that, I guess it's just how my chemical makeup is.

It's just me.

I don't know that there is anything magical I can do. 

I had a very good day yesterday. It wasn't over the top good, just very good. I did get very emotional for some reason at dinner. My friend Tracy invited me over and she had a little gift for me and she made us BLTs but I was overcome with "me" and my feelings.

I just felt so much gratitude for having her and her husband in my life and sitting there with them and thinking, "here is someone who loves me unconditionally and she shared something with me, made herself vulnerable and I was so awed by that. 

So you know, I'm a big feeling girl. And I guess I had big feelings and I always crash when I have them. I wish I didn't. Feeling love or happiness or whatever, can throw my shit right off.

There were things at work too and nothing bad, I didn't do anything wrong, things that I have no control over, the emotions of others and I'm trying to stay grounded about it, trying to not take it on as my own because it isn't mine. It's not about me, it's not towards me...it's what someone else goes through but I think the problem lies in that it sortof reminds me of myself and I see how it affects others and I can't help but think about...wow, I was like this too and I see first hand how it affects the people she loves and who love her back and...I'm not in a place of judgement anymore, I can't be. But it brings up a lot for me because I affected people too and now I get to see it and I suppose, no I think I know, that's why I landed here, in this job. I think it's...I've been getting so much better and really trying to be mindful and it's now my time to understand all this and see the bigger picture.

It's not to wallow in guilt in shame but to be able to navigate something with grace and dignity and above all else, to give grace and dignity for someone who hasn't traversed what I have, and who has no clue why she is the way she is, or that her actions are hurting those she loves.

God, I gotta be so very careful about what I write. I don't mean anything bad, I just see so much of me, even how I was 10 years ago and I need to stay objective and just...send love out, be loving, be understanding.

So just some very big feelings yesterday. I am not used to navigating these yet. That much is clear. I see them now, these big feelings, I recognize them for what they are but I also...I clearly need to do more work in order to not let them get the best of me. 

So I think work, coupled with this incredible feeling of love and acceptance that I experienced last night, it threw me off chemically and here I am this morning.

I am grateful for all of life's lessons.

And at first, the feelings this morning were crushing me and I've come far enough that I know I will make it in to work and tomorrow, I go in super early and I get off at noon and I don't have to go back until Monday and who knows what the Gods have in store for me this weekend but I can hope and choose to believe that it will be good. Maybe tiny good, maybe big good, but good.

I try to stay very positive on my YouTube shorts and I'm not sure if I'll post one this morning. I don't want to be all fake and act like everything is always good, but I know I'll cry and I don't know if I should be doing that for the world to see.

My YouTube used to be nothing but bitching and/or tears.

I gotta go get ready darlings.

I got this. Only one more wake up day.

This will pass, it always does. Just gotta ride it out and not act out if that makes sense. I have this, this doesn't have me.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie