Detachment for the Betterment

 

Hello Everyone,

So. I got some things done yesterday. Bringing back YouTube has truly shown me where my OCD lies though. No shooting today. I have a video for today, which I'll post at the end of this blog and then I have one for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll be shooting two more.

I have a list for today but not sharing that anymore. It's too hard when I don't succeed and then I feel bad writing about it, even if I accomplished some of it.

Trying not to be so perfectionist. My daughter asked me for cuddles and it was sad to me that the first thing I thought of was all I have to do today so I crawled in with her and cuddled and I'm glad I did.

I am down to 3 bucks guys.

Thankfully, I have other credit cards because the ones I've been using for all the "stuff" we need; groceries, kitty litter, kitty food, laundry detergent, toilet paper...you can see there's no "Pierre Purchases" in any of that.

This is starting to wear me down but today, I'm going to just try and stay as busy as possible so it doesn't freeze me in my tracks again.

There is job search in the mix so just know that I'm staying on top of it. I got a thanks but no thanks, woohoo, someone got back to me.

Fuckers.

The boil! Well, the boil started leaking yesterday. I will spare you the details because even I am grossed out by it. It's still there though. This thing presented, like I wrote, as a tiny bump but clearly there were things going on underneath the surface because when I started fucking with it...BOOM. HUGE. I'm worried because even though the lump is much smaller, there's probably a sac in there and this means I'm at risk of it filling up again.

I'm thinking at some point, it will have to be surgically removed. Do I go to an ass specialist for this or a dermatologist. 

No fucking clue.

I do know that when I find a job, I will be busy and tired so I'm just trying my best to get on top of all of this.

Tomorrow won't feel as crazy because the cleaning will be done too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not sure how I am guys. 

I just want this part to be over. I want a job, I want to be getting back on track financially even that is hell too. It won't be forever.

Whatever, I guess today even writing about it stresses me out.

This will be one of those days where I try to use my skill of detachment for the betterment of my ability to make some progress and do some good things.

So onwards.

Love to you all.

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Boil on my Butt

 

Good Morning,

Ok. Obviously, by the title, you're probably here to read about the boil. Unless you are a regular reader in which case, you saw the title and shook your head with a smile on your face knowing that this is me...nothin is sacred in the life of Denise.

Let's start with boils in general. I get tiny ones every year, mostly in the groin area, occasionally in my pits. I think it's from shaving.

This does not happen often, it's not like I'm walking around with boils all over my body.

You are NOT supposed to do this, so please don't. I would say that I've been lucky, but I usually squeeze the fuck out them until they pop. I've never had an infection and I've never had problems as a result but please don't do that. 

You probably think, "oh, that must hurt." Oh it does. It's excruciating but when you're a freak of nature about weird things on your body, then you do what I do.

This one is different. It started as a little pimple in my butt crack, towards the top but deep in if that makes sense.

It's been there for like 4 or 5 months. I don't like it, I don't want it there. I stayed away from this one because of the location and the liklihood of infection.

But this week, I couldn't take it anymore and I tried to pop it and it grew to about 5 or 6 times the size it was. Maybe all of that was underneath the pimple and by my squeezing, it all came to the surface. I literally squeeze the thing until I either almost vomit or pass out. The pain.

But I don't want this fucker there.

So. I am now taking two scalding hot, epsom salt baths a day. I wash my keester really good and then I sit there for 20 minutes.

I dry it off really well and then I put this Differen stuff on it, it's a retinoid. It's usually used for cystic acne but I thought...well a boil is like a cyst, right?

I work it in really well.

And when I do number two, I use these wipe things to ensure a total clean and then I use toilet paper to make sure it's totally dry. Then I put more of that "stuff" on.

You guys, I can feel the thing when I sit down, I have to get in my car carefully because it hurts. I'm considering doing a clay mask on the thing as well because clay pulls things to the surface.

We'll see. I'll keep you posted. For now, it's two baths a day, scalding hot and with a ton of epsom salts and then the gel plus just keeping the area clean and dry in general.

There you have it. 

Only I would get a boil in my ass, one that got so big, I can't even sit down. This is me. This is the shit that happens to me and has my whole life...if it's weird and not that likely, well than  it'll happen to me.

Yesterday was good.

I'm really having to push the shame of this whole fucking financial shit down. It's hard.

It's piss and shit.

I need my PISS energy gun. Don't ask. There is one person who will read this blog and she knows exactly what my PISS energy gun was. It had special powers. And I had a power ring too and that exact same person may have found someone who can make me a new one. I left it on the counter at Burger King when I was little and have been looking for it's likeness ever since.

The PISS energy must come from nature but the ring could be made, I would just need to energize it with the light of the sun and light of moon.

I will find both.

And that's all I feel like writing.

Why go into I did this and I did that and bla bla bla fucking bla bla.

Ballers don't whine for too long. Ballers get shit done.

I'm a baller.

Here's my VisionList, Part 2 Baller of a Video.

Be Blessed Loves.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Today is All the Things

Good Morning!

Oh wow, you guys. Someone I love had a scrip for Hydroxyzine and she's not using it so she gave it to me. I slept 6.5 hours which is at the lower end of my sweet zone, but I got in an hour and 38 minutes of deep sleep and an hour and 39 minutes of REM.

I knew when I woke up this morning, that I felt better, before even looking. That's the difference good sleep can make.

I feel amazing.

And ya know, I pooped too, a couple times and I feel like this great weight was lifted from me, LOL!!

I feel good!!

So I do believe I posted my 2nd in the update videos here yesterday. I just published the first of the VisionList videos. Here it is.

I'm doing good at keeping this under 20 minutes. The end goal is 15 minutes each but I'm forcing myself to stop and just let them be what they are - meaning the videos.

I can get completely and totally OCD about these things. And so far, so good. Tomorrow, I'm going shoot Neecie's Journey to Better Health and probably a Neecie's Many Musings.

I just want to keep them coming for now.

At some point, I may have to sleep with the enemy so to speak and do some sales off of my videos but we are not there yet.

I'll think about it once my videos are getting at least 50 views per video and I have 1000+ subscribers.

Anyways, today is all the things; major catch up on the apartment, including some packing, making a shit ton of easter egg bathbombs and job search.

I can't be taking the weekends off from that shit. I just got a text from a "recruiter" saying my resume had been recommended and that they have a remote job, making anywhere from $200 to $800 a day, with benefits and 25 to 50 paid days off a week.

K, that's a scam. These rejects don't care who they fuck over or use. The text came from somewhere other than the United States.

Please don't fall for these things. I'll probably cover scam calls on one of my videos. People must be getting desperate because these calls and texts are coming in for me at an unprecedented rate.

I allowed myself one day of gratitude and I mean, I still searched for jobs but I didn't do too much else. Rent is paid but here we are and I have payments due next week so I have to figure out what I want to do.

Do I sell the furniture or no? 

It's a conundrum.

I will decide by noon.

So I hope you all have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Veil is Lifted

Hi Guys,

Big, deep breath because today is gonna be a doozy.

I got some offers of help for the rent. In a couple minutes, I need to call the office to figure out how to pay this because it's coming from a couple different sources.

Part of what I owe is the utilities and that's an entirely separate payment but still considered to be part of the rent.

While I am deeply grateful for the help, I am deeply filled with shame too.

You know, I can piss and moan and beat myself up but here we still are and it is what it is.

Today is go day for everything. I woke up at 4 and couldn't sleep so I applied for 3 jobs. I'm going to try and get set up with instacart today which I'm just mortified by but again, is what it is.

In speaking with my sister yesterday, I told her that I'm in this place now....it's different for me. I like to think that there has been all this change but here I am again and the veil has been lifted.

Again, not the time to beat myself up, time to get shit moving and happening.

Today, it's figuring out all the payments, selling my couch so I can pay other bills that are coming due and making bathbombs.

It's all I have right now and I don't expect anyone to foot my fucking bill.

If this is all happening by my design than it's up to me to change the design.

Do I always have to hit bottom in order to see where I fucked up?

I guess I do.

Ok, so I'm gonna shut up about all that now.

And I'm not going to say I hate today because who knows, maybe a miracle will happen...

So onward lil' soldier, lil' Dighty Jo.

Please send good energy, not just for today but for a job, for a budget that's doable and for me to get out of this mess I've made.

It takes a village and my village is showing up. I didn't ask for it, but here they are and I am really grateful.

Here is part 2 of the update videos. I'll be shooting another video today too.

Ok, I have to go down to the office now.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Detaching Sometimes Gets You Through

 

Hi Everyone,

It's a frickin' no sleep, poopin' morning. Lovely.

I have to be honest, I'll probably go back to sleep for an hour or two. I'm so drained.

Ummm, yeah, so many things going through my mind but the past is the past; there is no shoulda, coulda, woulda in any of this.

So if I go delinquent on my rent, I will get charged 10% of my rent per day for 10 days and then they begin the eviction process.

This is bad.

I'm OK. 

All I can do is keep moving. I am so detached from this, I have no choice but to face it but I am detached. I'm trying not to feel any of this.

My daughter has a place to stay and it was offered to me to come there too. The cats could be there but I don't think there's actually a room for my daughter and I to stay in so I might have her stay there and like I said, I am so in I give no fucks whatsoever mode that I will stay in my car. The back seats drop and I can put a litter box in the trunk so Grey and Mocha can access it.

And you know, hopefully this won't be forever. 

I know this is how this happens and where it starts but...you know, I always say that I'm Denise MF Johnson so time to put that to the test.

I'm not going to cancel my gym membership again because that's where I'll be showering, etc.

The one thing I can't default on is the loan I took out because they have a lien on my car so at this point, it's just about paying my bills and if I live in my car for awhile, I can save money.

When I let this sink in, I get sick so it's just straight ahead, plow through, jump into it and don't think about it.

Looking back, I see it all so clearly. But that doesn't change what is now. I take full responsibility for this.

I think I used my 9 lives up and now it's me. It's all me. And maybe that's what Mom was trying to really say in the dream I had of her.

The dreams I've had about both mom and dad both seemed to indicate that I'll be OK.

I'm gonna go with that.

I did apply for a lot of jobs yesterday. I just don't know why no one calls me back. It's so frustrating. 

Here's the video I published today.

Ok, I'm out. I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Facing Things

 

Hello Dahlings,

Ugh, another shitty day. It really snowed last night and it was gorgeous, except that I had to drive in it and it was dark and stupid me got on the highway.

I spun out at least twice on the highway, saw the few other cars that were out, spin out and one almost smashed into me. 

Then I spun out again when I turned on to the street my daughter works on. Well...she doesn't work on the street, lmao. You get my meaning.

But I took backroads home with no incidents.

Beautiful...but deadly.

I don't know what to do at this point. I think I better talk to my apartment manager and tell her we'll be going through the eviction process so she knows. 

I think I should sell as much of my stuff as I can as well so I can at least keep up on my bills.

So I guess we'll begin this too.

I need to find a place for my daughter and her cat to go because I'm gonna hang out in my car.

I just don't even care.

All this financial shit. It's one thing when you can stay on top of it, but a whole nother ballgame when the chips start to fall and they aren't falling in good places.

I have to face this so I'm thinking today's the day.

I know they'll ask us to leave early but I have so much "stuff" and I'm really going to get rid of as much as possible but some of it will have to go somewhere. I am hoping I won't have to lose everything.

So. I did apply for a few jobs yesterday and I have already applied for 2 today.

I think it's OK to give up for now and to focus on what needs to get done in the apartment.

This is going to be really, really hard but I got this. 

And so, I will come back tomorrow and tell you how this all goes.

Posted this one yesterday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Nights Don't Work For Me Anymore

 

Good Morning,

Yesterday though. I started out great but then quickly went downhill. I got in over 10 job apps though before the pfffft.

So there's that. I've applied for one this morning.

I had a weird experience last night. I woke up at 3 and couldn't back to sleep so I got up and I felt physically anxious if that makes sense. My mental state was not one of my anxiety but my body was feeling it big time. I felt all the strength drain out of my stomach and legs and then I couldn't breath. It reminded me of when I had the bleeding ulcer.

I was going to call 911 and then I decided not to. What I'm about to write is going to scare some people and it's not meant to scare anyone. I'm not planning my demise, not at all. I'm still here trying. But here we go. I didn't call 911 because I looked in my daughter's room and she's going through so much because of all this shit too and I just thought, "If this is a heart attack, or a stroke, or a bleeding ulcer, maybe it'd be better to let it happen." I felt like, if this is it, I'm ready.

So I went to bed.

And I woke up. LOL, here I am. Another day. And I feel fine. I checked my oxygen level and it's 98%. My body doesn't feel sick like it did last night. My legs are intact and good.

Just some weird thing I guess. Not sure what it's all about.

And I ended up taking a second edible because at that point, I realized I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep on my own and I was going on just under 4 hours of sleep at that point. It took about an hour to get back to sleep but I woke up with 8 hours and 29 minutes of sleep in the bag and that's great.

No dreams.

I had a dream a couple nights ago, I call them flash dreams. Did I write about this already? I don't think so. I was in and out of sleep and I was at that place where you're mostly asleep but still close to wakefulness and I kept seeing different women dressed all in black. One looked like a puritan and she was screaming, one had more of a witches dress on and her black hair was flowing in the wind and she just looked at me...those are the two I distinctly remember but there were at least 5 different women I saw. And then I saw a litter of black puppies in a pile on this really green, fresh grass. They were in my backyard in the dream, even though I don't have one in real life. There had to be at least 10 puppies. They were in a pile, too little to really go to far and they seemed happy, like it wasn't a bad thing.

Usually, I can fairly quickly ascertain the meaning of my dreams but this one has me stumped.

Black symbolizes the unknown, the unconscious, danger, mystery, darkness, death, mourning, rejection, hate or malice. The color invites you to delve deeper in your unconscious in order to gain a better understanding of yourself. It also signifies a lack of love and lack of support. More positively, black represents potential and possibilities. It is like a clean or blank slate.

To see a woman in your dream represents nurturance, passivity, caring nature, and love. It refers to your own female aspects or your mother. Alternatively, a woman indicates temptation and guilt. 

To see a litter of puppies in your dream is indicative of the amount of time that an idea has been developing or will take to develop. Look to the number of puppies to give you that approximate amount of time.

To see green grass in your dream suggests that there is a part of yourself that you can always rely on. The dream is also symbolic of natural protection. 

So you can see why this one is weird for me. And there can be several different meanings depending on the content or overall feeling of the dream. The women weren't bad or in danger. Now as I'm writing, I feel like maybe they are representative of me and different aspects of myself.

I don't feel like the women represented temptation or guilt. Of course, they put temptation in with woman. Could someone cut us some fucking slack?

The rest of it, I just don't know.

But I'll think about it.

I call these flash dreams because they are literally only a flash of a dream, maybe one second long but they leave an imprint. The dream I had of Dad was a flash dream. But these dreams are incredibly vivid. I can tell you everything about the dream about Dad and would take way longer to describe it than the length of time, the dream was there.

But yes, I don't do so good at night anymore. I don't like night anymore. Too much stress at night. At least during the day, I can try to lie myself into believing we'll be OK but at night...torture.

I'm trying you guys. I am going to start throwing shit out and offering shit up for sale; my new furniture all of that. 

I'll let you know when it's available.

But it will be this week.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie