More Miles

Hello and Good Morning,

Well here I am with enough sleep under my belt, feeling refreshed and well rested. My cat woke me up this morning but luckily she did it after I'd had enough sleep.

She eats paper; bites it and then tears it off and in the middle of the night, it sounds like the gates of hell are being ripped open.

I'm worried about her. I need to get her in to get her blood checked and just checked in general. Yesterday, she followed me around all day and cried. She never does that. She is a Momma's girl, always has been but it's amped up bigtime. 

I mean, at 16, anything could be happening with her.

It was cute though, she wanted to be picked up when I was cleaning the kitchen last night and so I picked her up and she cuddled over my shoulder and I kept right on cleaning.

Whatever comfort I can offer, I will. I just dearly wish she'd stop finding to shit to rip up at night. We're overflowing with everything because of...you guessed it. It's so small here.

Anyways, I'm going to get this house cleaned this morning. I am getting my drinks and my food ready to go for tomorrow so all I will have to do is pack it in the morning.

The only thing I need right now is paper towels. I think I can afford that, lol.

We have enough toilet paper and I went and saw my former roommate yesterday to check up on him and he loaded us a garbage bag full of frozen dinners, etc. 

I don't eat too much of that stuff but I'm grateful to have it until I am on a regular cycle of paychecks. I get paid weekly and that is amazing.

So few companies do that but for me, it means that in case of some kind of emergency, there's cash there. It's budgeted cash, but I'm talking emergency here; the sky is falling kind of emergency.

You get the point.

No matter what happens, no matter how I feel, I am not going to buy cigs tomorrow AM. I will get through the day and we shall see. I'm not promising anything, I'm simply saying, I will get through the majority of my day without cigs.

I'm nervous! But more than that, I am excited about the future. I haven't had that in awhile.

I also now have enough miles to book two trips. I'm not using them now but in December, once I'm laid off for the season, I am going to Washington for sure and later, in February, I may go to Florida to see my Aunt.

And who knows, if I have more miles, I may go back out to Jersey for a visit. The great thing is that I won't have to rent a hotel for Washington and Florida.

This is all up in the air. I have finances to fix, I have an apartment to move out of...there are so many things coming up. 

This is me thinking aloud because that's what I do.

This way, you can all be witness to the chaos that is Denise's brain. It's like Herman's Head...all the characters are there, vying for attention, lol.

Alright, well I'm going to get moving so this day doesn't fly by with me missing it.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Onwards

 

Good Morning,

Second night not sleeping well in a bit. That's with the medication. I'm not sure why. I think much of it has to do with all the thoughts in my head.

Thoughts and worries about my new job; will I be able to do it? Am I going to fail at this one too? 

My dept; will I really be able to pay it off? Is it possible?

How will the apartment ever get cleaned?

Am I going to get enough sleep?

I mean, you get it. My head won't stop.

I'm so fucking stressed out.

And I just pooped for the 5th time this morning. 

Seriously, I need to get myself in order.

My daughter has been sleeping with me the past couple nights and in theory I don't mind but the thing is, it keeps me from doing the things in my room that I like to do in the morning...put away clean clothes, meditate, pick up, wash my sheets, whatever it happens to be.

Right now, because we're on a warming trend, the apartment gets pretty warm but it's still cool at night so I put the fan in the window and it's frickin' freezing in there. Which we both like so I understand.

But I think she'll be OK with me saying, "hey, not once I start working."

I don't know. I have a lot to get done and I've been overwhelmed.

I really need to get shit done.

But I've been my own worst enemy in this.

So.

I need to calm the fuck down.

Since she's in my room now, I'm gonna start out here, in the living room.

And we'll just go from there.

So much to do.

Alright, I'm gonna go and meditate and make a list...yeah, I know, but without a list nothing gets done and with one, at least some things get done.

Onwards!

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Shift in Pressure

 

Good Morning!

Just curious how everyone in MN slept last night? The predicted AM storms didn't come, thankfully but tonight it's on, according to the weather reports.

I'm wondering if there's a shift in pressure. Even with my meds, I didn't sleep well at all and the cats were going nuts last night. All 3 of them were meowing and in and out of my room, jumping up on things, etc.

In fact, Pumpkin is pacing back and forth by my feet right now. That's not like her.

Weird.

I'm going to take a shower because I've put it off and I'm not pleasant right now. But I might go back to bed.

My plan for today is to clean and make bath bombs.

At this point, I feel so ridiculous making plans because I am really struggling to push through this lethargy that's had me in it's grip for far too long.

I have a feeling that today will be one of those days that I have to stay busy and I have to push through. Like, it'll have to be a conscious effort.

I'm not good at those.

But at any rate...please be safe tonight if you're in the Twin Cities. It's possibly gonna be a buckle yourself in for the ride kind of night.

I wanna text my bestie about something but it's only 4:22AM where she is. So I gotta wait.

 So on that note, I am going to get going.

I hope you all have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Push

 

Hello Dahhhhlings,

Sunday. 

I wish I was starting work tomorrow. I'm still a teeny bit stressed about $$ but we'll get there. I had a weird thing happen yesterday. It wasn't a good day. 

I was overcome with self-doubt, like I can't do this. Like I'm gonna fail again.

It's not a good feeling. I feel better about things today.

Thankfully.

There are days when you can't fight it and you need to give yourself grace on those days. On the days you can fight it, you push yourself a bit.

Today, we gonna do the push.

I went through yesterday and figured out a schedule for myself. It's gonna be tough. I'm not used to going like that but it's life and if I want to get through this, if I want to pay everything off and if I want to make Willow's Whimsy happen so I can finally begin saving $$, at the very least to ensure that if I were to lose this job for any reason that I would be OK.

I never want to go through anything like this again.

Ever.

Period.

I started looking for apartments. I found a 3 bedroom (so I can have an office) that has way more square feet in it and is $200 less per month. It's in Dayton, MN, which sucks but it's not that far out. 

You know, I had wanted to find a landing spot we could comfortably be in for at least a couple years but it didn't work out that way. This apartment is not doable...for all the reasons.

I didn't actually see pics of the apartment, they had floor plans only. I have to start looking in June for Oct. 1st.

It's scary. Knowing all this is coming yet again.

But we're not there yet now are we? Time to just focus on today.

I'm happy because I can get my edibles again. I won't be drug tested for the new job and I only use 'em for sleep sooooooo......

Although sleep has been alright for the most part. 

I'm too in my head right now, thinking about all the "stuff" that is coming and all I have to do to prepare for what's coming.

I am not gonna just chill today. Little goals make big things happen. I can do it all, just not all at once.

So.

I'm gonna say goodbye and I'll be back tomorrow.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Out of Doubt

 

Hi Everyone,

Well. What a day yesterday it was. 

My body literally experienced a physical relief that I've never...well, I've just never had that experience before.

I got the job.

The one where I thought they were ghosting me. I'm just...so shocked. Still. But happy. Really happy. 

Pumpkin rarely jumps up on my lap for cuddles, she's the type that will lay next to you for awhile but I swear she felt my relief. She plopped right down on my tummy on the couch and we took a nap together. 

I was literally about to go in for a temp job interview when I got the call.

I'm so happy. I really thought they were ghosting me, I really did and it was my sister who had this really strong feeling that I was gonna get it, that they were just super busy, which is the case.

All of my intuition had gone out the window this time, I had nada.

But sister knew.

I am overwhelmed by this right now...happy but overwhelmed so I actually don't have too much to write. 

However, I will write more tomorrow as I get my head around this and budgeting and goals, etc.

I will say this and I'm gonna stand by it for the rest of my life: Mom coming to see me in my dreams last December was everything and literally everything that has happened since fits into her message that I was going to be OK. I started to doubt at the end; so much so that Dad had to make a visit to reassure me and still...I eventually sunk into doubt. It's hard not to.

But from here on out, we are going to be OK.

I know that now.

Here's today's video. I took down the two most recents. I will still be me but I gotta keep things sortof on the lo lo.

I hope you have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Likey

 

Hello,

I have just under 10 minutes to whip this badboy out. I have an interview for a fucking contract position. I hate this.

I hate putting makeup on for this, I hate doing my hair and I hate dressing up. I hate the people I interview with because they have all the power.

Lots of hate going on there. I'm just sick of this, I'm just at the end of my rope and I want to tear shit up and burn it down.

On another note, I had a good morning. I messaged with a childhood friend and then I talked to my bestie on the phone and...yup, you guessed it. We were laughing our asses off. Maybe we should just have a standing date that we talk every weekday morning, even if it's just for 10 minutes.

So those things put a smile on my face and will keep it there.

My apartment is hot. Not hot like hellfire but hot. We are at temps where this starts to happen but I cannot afford to run the air yet.

Bla.

At least it's still cold at night, so I open the window a crack and it's cold enough for me to sleep comfortably.

6 minutes.

I'm OK. I am feeling resentful and angry today. I'm not mad at myself today. I'm mad at all the job holders.

They are the Lannisters, the Volturi, the Captains in a Handmaids tale.

I no likey them. No bueno at all.

Down with them all.

Ok, now that bit of drama is out of my system, we shall continue on.

Enjoy your day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Employer's Game

 

Hello there,

The days go by so quickly while I'm experiencing this whole job search, panic, relief, panic, relief cycle. It's so annoying.

I interviewed for a job via zoom about a week and a half ago and then a week ago, they asked me to come in for a face to face and it went very, very well.

The woman I interviewed with said that they expected to know by this past Monday, Tuesday at the latest so I called her Tuesday and she sounded different. You can just tell you know.

She told me that she'd just been so busy but that she's know by yesterday and I didn't get a call, no email telling me thanks but no thanks. 

Nada.

So the only thing to do is to go on. 

I felt so positive about this one.

It's shitty when people don't do what they say they are going to do. I mean, I've done it too so there's really no blame but I guess...just frustration.

It's an employers game right now. But I just feel that an employer should be accountable, like an interview is for the potential employee to figure out as well, if this is a good fit. And I felt like I did but now, I think they are shitty and if this how they do business...believe me, if by some miracle they did call today and offer me the position, I would take it but I'd go into it jaded.

Whatever. I'm working on focusing on what comes next and I do have an interview tomorrow for a contract position. It's close, it pays what I need to make my budget and I just have to do my best and hope that this is it. It's not a temp to perm and it's not enough money to be able to save anything but it would be enough to pay my rent, pay my bills and in the meanwhile, keep applying for permanent positions.

But again, I'm up against several people because the contracting agency gives them several to look at. 

This is so hard. I know I've made that clear, but it is. I just want a landing spot. It's like flying, only your wings have been removed so your bounced here and there at the whimsy of the wind and you have absolutely no control.

It is what it is, right?

All of life is just that...what it is.

And so I go on.

There will be job search today.

I went and worked for the woman I've written about before, it's not a lot but every little bit helps. I am incredibly grateful for her right now. And she's lovely. I know she'd hire me on the spot if she was ready for a fulltime employee. But she's not. Still, I don't treat this any different than any job. I let her direct me, tell me what to work on and I do my best. I don't dawdle or waste my time.

Because I'm grateful.

I did post a video yesterday. Here it is.

When I went back and watched this, I just cracked up. I have worked for some "interesting" characters. I really should write a book. There are so many I could write but for sure, just about the jobs I've had, it's hilarious. Sad too, when I look back and see the pattern that has been my life...like a rat in a cage on a treadmill. But I did that to myself.

I'm not beating myself up about it, at least I can laugh about it. 

I think of mom saying, "Oh Neecie, it wasn't that bad, if it weren't for you, I'd still be naive."

Momma.

So anyways, I worked late, I did get enough sleep. Sleep has not been an issue for about a week or so now and I'm grateful for that too.

And a handsome man flirted with me at the gas station today. 

So there's that.

LOL, take it where you can folks, take it where you can.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Flowing

 Good Morning,

Oh my God. It's been a couple of IBS days. Yesterday, full on attack. I mean FULL.ON. I shall spare you the details.

It came on after I'd already gone 4 times.

And it was ruthless.

When you're sitting on the can crying out, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph" in your best Irish accent, you know it's bad.

When you then cry out to the Gods, "Why hast though forsaken me?", you know it's really bad.

When you say, "Fuck you bastards for the hell that is my wasteland, lava-spewing intestines", well then you know you're at your wits end.

All 3 happened.

And after that, usually I am fine. But it literally sapped the life out of me.

Today, I've gone twice and we shall see, we shall see.

Not enough sleep compared to what I have been getting but enough to have a decent day. And I feel like today, I have a choice to make it be whatever kind of day I want it to be. 

I'm gonna try and just keep moving today. No downtime until I finally shower tonight and have finished everything I start.

My mom called me yesterday. Did I write about that? Yesterday? I don't remember.  But yeah, she did. I think I did write about it.

She makes me happy. My sister makes me happy. My daughter makes me happy, she's been putting up with my depression and we're both getting crabby with each other.

I just want a job so this part of things, the financial part, can get better.

Please. For the love of all that's holy, that is, holy according to Denise.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm going to start posting on my Willow's Whimsy page more. That's where I'll post the meals I make, my bathbombs and anything else I make plus I want to do a gratitude post and an affirmation post.

I have to do more with this page to draw people in.

Again, blah.

I know, I know.

Sometimes my posts here are nothing more than the random thoughts that flow from head to keyboard.

That said, have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

New Knees, Two Knees

 

Good Morning,

Well. I had a good day yesterday. I met my sister for an early dinner and it was...so good to be out and to hang out with her.

I talked to my mom this morning and you know, she said to me, "I don't always know what to say" in regards to what I'm going through and I told her it's not the kind of thing anyone else can fix and I don't expect or require that, ya know? Just having people who care and tell me they care and that they love me is more than enough.

And it is.

I'm a different person now. I know this is all of my doing because I did have a job. I didn't like it. I quit. Most people, who have some common sense, would say, "time to start looking for another job."

But not me. I cut myself off at the knees and tell myself I'll grow new ones.

And I believe that shit.

Jesus.

Dumb.

You know, if nothing else, I see it now. How my thinking gets me in trouble. It's 100% absolutely ridiculous.

And from now on, for the big decisions, I'm going to run them by someone first. If I jump, it's on me. And if I make the right decisions, that's still mine but at least I listened to that tinier voice inside me that says, "no, don't do it" and I reached out and had that validated by someone.

Because my own thinking says yes to literally everything that feels good in the moment. A lifetime of feels good in the moment and I really don't remember many of those things that I just had to have or just had to walk away from.

And as far as the people who have helped me? Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful but I feel bad that they even have to, or feel like they have to.

Money. People work hard for their money and for the things they have. I do not feel on any level that people are supposed to just hand over to me in my irresponsibility, that which they have worked for.

It's not right.

Anyways, it's raining outside, not hard but I think maybe I'll dig my warm clothes out and go for a walk in the rain. It's healing. Water always makes me cry. Being in water I should say. I don't see it as depression, I see it as a lifetime of pain, whether it comes from actual painful things, or depression, or a past life, there's pain and crying helps me get rid of it and the water just washes it away.

I did manage a video yesterday. Here it is:

Now on with my day.

Some plans but we shall see.

My daughter doesn't work which means I don't have to drive her to work or pick her up.

I am grateful for that.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Ascension of the Throne

 

Good Morning,

A gray and dreary Monday for us here in the Twin Cities.

It's warm out though, which is new. I'll take it. Better than cold and rainy.

Our cats crack me up. They split a tiny can of wet food in the morning and one at night. Pumpkin devours hers and stares down Mocha. Mocha finishes hers second and goes to watch Grey, who eats very slow and dainty. Pumpkin licks Mocha's dish to make sure she got everything and then they both stare down Grey. Even though Grey is teeny tiny now, she's a crank and if they get to close, she hisses them down and they back off. 

Grey is definitely the Queen here and just because Mocha is so timid, I know that when Grey leaves this place, Pumpkin will ascend to the throne.

Yesterday was just a day, neither bad nor good. 

Today, I'm in go mode. Even though I've already been up for a bit, I'm going to act like I have a job and time everything I have to do before work so I have a good idea of when to wake up in the morning.

Then, of course, there are dishes that need to be done but I also want to clean the fridge. The problem is I have no cooler to put the food in while I clean so I guess that'll have to wait until this weekend, when we've gone through everything.

So...job search, bathbombs and the like.

It's all I can think of to do.

Oh, yeah, I have to work on the family cookbook as well.

And call Rose.

I feel so bad. You would think I have all the time in the world to chat on the phone but I'm really avoiding it because she wants me take me out to lunch and I don't want her to see my car. 

I will call her today. I will. I'll make up some excuse and offer to pick something up and eat with her at her place. 

I do love her and I do want to see her.

She's so beautiful and so kind.

Well...I feel OK today. I feel like I can have a non-sloth day.

So here we go.

I hope yours is good too.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Basket for Me

Hey Everyone,

Happy Bunny Day if you celebrate. 

No Easter basket for me, lol. Getting old sucks. We miss out on all the good stuff. My roommate always had a basket for my daughter and I. He was very thoughtful that way.

He continues to heal and after his last scan, they said that his tumor is gone. He has to have one final pet scan and then he's all good.

Yay.

He really went through it, ya know? I don't know if I have what it takes to go through something like that.

Anyways, I got the apartment cleaned yesterday. I mean, it's so crowded in here, it doesn't really look all that clean but tomorrow, I'm going to clean out the fridge...well I cleaned it out but I want to clean the actual fridge.

I called my bestie last night and man...oh man. We had a great talk but then it went into Shenanigans and I was laughing so fucking hard I was choking. Literally choking.

I needed that and she said she did too.

I love her.

It's funny; with her and I, we tend to cycle through similar trials for want of a better word, at the same time.

If there are past lives, she and I have known each other before. When you look at our friendship, and how we both just sortof "knew" each other when we met, and how alike we were in our senses of humor. I feel like our souls were just waiting for us to connect so we could be a pair again. 

And I believe that shenanigans have occurred in every life we've known each other. If there is a place we go after we die to rest before coming back, I'm sure that everyone there is like, "send them back already, they are driving me nuts."

It's how we roll.

I have enough miles for a free flight and now I'm thinking maybe I'll just go out there...to hang with my bestie.

I don't know for sure. 

I want to though.

Anyways, yes, I got things done yesterday. I went almost 3K steps over my goal.

This morning was a bummer. My kid was gonna get up with me and go get donuts and coffee but she didn't get up so I went by myself.

I love my kid.

It just made me sad.

I'm going to take things easy today, come up with a plan for the week. The fucking weather makes it hard to plan for anything. 

Mother Nature does love to toy with us in the conversion months. Winter to Spring and Fall to Winter, although I will say that the whole winter to spring thing is much more drawn out and bi-polar.

I just want a week of sunshine and warm temps; not hot, just warm.

Warmer than sweater weather but not hot.

Yeah, you get the point.

I guess I don't have a lot today. I'm grateful for the call with my bestie, that was so needed. I'm grateful I saw my sis on Friday, I'm glad I was able to do something productive with my day yesterday but I'm in a bit of detached limbo right now.

And just no plans for today.

So.

I think I'm going to let myself have that today. No plans. Rest. Prepare for the week, shoot some videos. 

For those of you who do not subscribe to my YouTube Channel, I'd love it if you would. It doesn't cost anything. It's free.

I plan on putting up about 3 videos this week.

And on that note, I bid you adieu.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Air Supply

 

Hey Guys,

How is everyone doing today? I'm good. I seem to be roused from my lethargy. Yesterday, was a lethargy day. I fight those days, I do, but sometimes, you have to give in.

I did get to see my sissy though. That was good. Sometimes when I see people now, I think as I am with them, they have no idea how alone I've let myself become, how sad I am, how much I miss mom and dad, how each day is a fight to...feel anything.

I don't know how this happened to me, which is why I continue to fight through days like that...because I know maybe somehow, I'll find a moment of laughter or happiness or love and it'll make all this worth it. 

I don't think this is all about the job situation anymore. This is something that I think always brewed just beneath the surface, like hotsprings underground in mountains. 

There, but hidden.

My other shit was the shit people saw, because that's what I knew...I had all the big feelings, the self-centeredness, the constant seeking of instant gratification so that those springs wouldn't boil over. Not even that really, I didn't know they were there consciously but my subconscious knew and so there were hints and I didn't want to feel it. 

But I've been without for so long; without drinking or the dope, without spending money, without...and now I see, now I know.

It doesn't mean I'm all dark inside. Like I said, once in awhile I feel real still. I feel things like hope or laughter or happiness. But sometimes I feel like this is all a dream, someone else's dream or like I'm a puppet in some other worldly being's playtime.

Like none of this can be real, there are such evil, mean people in this world and living in a world like this...knowing assholes exist, well sometimes it's a hard deal for me.

But I go on.

And now I'm laughing hysterically because I'm listening to my Spotify and Air Supply just came on and I can't stop laughing. My old boyfriend and I, Justin, got so stoned one time and an Air Supply concert came on. Justin was into Metallica and all that when they first came out and so this was...a shock to him, lmao!! We were so stoned and we listened to Air Supply and just laughed hysterically. 

The Universe must've known I needed to laugh.

In spite of these thoughts, I am getting things done today. It's an "on" day for me. On days are good, they keep me from these feelings.

It's only when I sat down to blog that I realized, "Oh, it's dark again."

And so, onwards.

The sun is shining. I'm going to go clean my room and then I'll go for a walk in it.

Because that helps too.

I hope you all are having a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Symbolism

Helloooo,

So I took a nap yesterday afternoon, not a long one, perhaps about an hour or so and I woke up from this dream though.

And it was a doozy and I looked up all the meanings and whoa!!

Almost everything was about becoming. In the positive way. And one of the main parts of the dream was this rain that came down out of nowhere and it wasn't a storm, like, no wind or anything but it was torrential and the raindrops were HUGE. You could see each one. And to see rain coming down, like watching it through a window, indicates a cleansing of the old and renewal and fortune.

I'll take that.

And there was a message about my daughter being able to take care of herself too.

I'm telling you, if I told you the actual dream, you'd be like...dude. What the actual fuck?

Nothing bad...just all over the place and SO full of symbolism.

Mom and dad weren't in this dream but...the color orange...big time.

I'm kind of for real tripping though.

I went and met with this woman I wrote about yesterday and I have to be honest, I seriously was trying to talk myself into not going but I went and it was an inspiring thing to do, I'm glad I went. I'm going to work a couple hours a day for her and it's not a lot but it's a little that will help. EVERYTHING helps so much!!

So I have a 2nd interview this morning that I am currently trying to get ready for. I'm excited but scared. After all I've been through in this time of woe so to speak, it just seems like, man...please.

But yeah...I haven't done makeup or hair yet. My hair is wet. I was too tired to take a shower last night.

So I did it this morning but after this blog, I am going to go get gas because I'm under E and pack a bag because I'm going right from the interview to work for the woman I mentioned above.

Then quick makeup, get dressed, do something (anything) with this hair and go.

It'll be a busy day but maybe, just maybe, by the end of it, I'll know if I have a big girl job???

Please send the good stuff. 

I'll be posting a video today so be sure to check Willow's Whimsy facebook page. It won't be until later as I just don't have much time.

Ok, well have a good day. Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Girl, Interrupted

Good Morning!

How are you all? I hope you are doing well. I am OK. 

I woke up with the weird crash thing. Depression. It's OK, I'm hanging in there. I really am. And actually, today it feels more like just tiredness as opposed to outright depression. I did sleep really well. I'm never sure why I feel the way I feel in any given moment.

It's just different each day, although the tiredness/depression thing seems to be more of the norm. 

I have to just...keep going.

I'm going to go speak with this woman about a job, very part time but she'd pay me cash. It won't be enough to fix anything but it will be cash. I'd be rolling bagels, lol. She has her own business and a friend of mine met her and in talking, found out she needs help because her business is growing so fast.

I'll be honest, this black and white thinking of mine gets me in trouble because she rolls bagels three days a week during the day and I keep thinking, "what if I get a job?" What if I only worked once for her? But you know, my sister...I hear her voice whispering in my ear saying, "Denise, any money is better than no money."

I also get tripped up with the whole "interruption" thing, like, well I have other shit I want to do and this gets in the way. Jesus, I need to just tell myself to shut the fuck up.

So I'm going.

Ok, well, I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

So I guess I better shower and get going.

Cheating on Myself

 Hello!

How are you all doing? I am doing OK today. Back and forth, back and forth.

Let me just start with the fact that you really have to count your blessings where they are because I gave in and did my taxes last night. I was going to let them go. I was. Because at this point, I'm fucking exhausted, I'm sick of playing this stupid, stupid game.

Anyways, I ended up not owing, I'm getting back. Not a lot but it's a helluva lot better than having to pay.

So the Universe threw me a bone. I did not get the county job and I am not surprised. I blew that interview. Big time.

I had two yesterday, both went well and I'm going on a second today. I don't want this job. I will however, take this job if offered.

I applied for one today that if I got it, it would be amazing. In fact, it would be SO amazing I'm debating printing out my resume and references and going straight to the company. It's homemade skincare!!

D'oh!

It's right in the heart of crack city but...I think I've put all that behind me sooooo....we'll see. I am honestly considering showing up there.

Oh. It was posted 21 days ago, they probably have hired someone. Oh well.

So yeah, got a second interview today that I don't want to go to but I will try. The other interview I had was for a company far, far away but I'd rather have that job, more my kind of vibe and people.

Other than that, I'm back to having "a feeling" that the end of all this may be coming. 

When I feel that, I go with it, even if it turns out not to be true.

Because it's better to feel hope than to contemplate death and wish it would come.

Right? That's better, right?

Drama. Yeah. But it is disheartening and it is hard.

I'm putting my furniture online today.

Yay for me.

I'm job searching, cleaning, exercising, eating and may or may not, engage in shenanigans of my own making.

I'm honestly considering making a sign and standing out at the stoplights.

The sign will say: Excellent Administrative Assistant job wanted. $25 - $30 an hour. Been looking for 4 months. On the verge of losing everything. Give me a job or help me with some cash.

For real though.

K, I'm out. Gotta get ready for the 2nd interview I really don't want to go to.

I feel like I'm cheating on myself but whatever.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Good Stuff

 

Good Morning,

Y'girl having herself an old fashioned meltdown. 2 interviews today, still haven't heard back on the one I know I'm not gonna get.

I can't keep doing this.

I'm so stressed out right now. 

I haven't filed my taxes because I know I'm gonna owe.

How did I let this happen? 

I'm so mad at myself right now.

SO mad at myself.

I know that doesn't solve the problem but my God, I have officially hit another bottom. I'm done. I will never, ever be in denial when it comes to money again. Never.

I have learned my lesson.

I keep seeing the color orange. It's one of hope and I'm just praying that's mom, that she's trying to tell me to keep going.

I've been pooping all morning. It won't stop. That my friends, is stress.

I have one hour until the first interview so I guess I better go get ready.

Please send some good stuff today. I'm losing it over here.

I'm losing it big time.

I don't have time to meditate and center myself so I'm just trying to breath deep, to tell myself the good stuff.

This is without a doubt the most exhausting thing I've ever been through. If you all get a job, have a job, whatever, keep that motherfucker. 

It's brutal out here right now.

Well, I know these blogs have been a downer of late, I don't know how not to be honest. I'd love to blow smoke up everyone's keister, my own too, but it's getting harder to stay positive.

So.

Yeah, just send some good stuff because I don't seem to be able to muster much of my own right now.

Thank you!!

I hope you all have a great day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Eating Snakes

 

Hi Guys,

Sorry for the downer blog yesterday. One thing I am really trying to do is to be honest. And I'm aware that it changes from day to day.

I have good days and bad days and yesterday was a really bad day.

I went out to my sister's and spent the day with her dog, Chatty. I love Chatty so much. We had a talk, she and I.

She's slowing down. But she's still the sweetest little girl. I think it did me some good to get out and walk with her.

She almost ate a snake!

Poor thing, it was playing dead. I had that happen with my sister's other dog, Trickle, who sadly is no longer with us. In his case, he didn't notice the snake but the snake was also playing dead. 

Chatty didn't get this one either, she hadn't bitten down into it and I didn't notice at first because she has this habit of stopping and sniffing things and it can be hard to redirect her so I was just standing there letting her sniff and then I realized, "Oh. Shit. Snake." So we went on.

What's weird is that I had a dream about a snake the other night. It was an orange one and I was trying to rip it's fangs out. I feel bad about that now when I think about it.

Poor snake.

But it makes sense and as I'm sitting here remembering the dream, I'm like, "Oh...yup. Uh huh."

Bottom line is that I'm better today. I did take a stupid sleeping pill though. I'm so fucking all over the place lately that who knows if it's the meds or not that seem to be affecting my depression.

No clue at this point.

There's more I want to write about but I'm already bored and I'm trying so hard to just keep going so I'm going to shift gears and start my day. 

I'll write about what I wanted to write about tomorrow. It's nothing earth shattering and it will wait.

Here is the last of the Health update videos. Now on to a usual schedule.

I hope you all have a great day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Eating Me Up

 

Good Morning,

Ugh, tummy no good today. No good baybeh.

I at least brought the pig to the bank yesterday and he coughed up $60 bucks, which went right into my account, though I also immediately sent my son the $10.00 he'd sent me yesterday. I'm so grateful I didn't have to go under. And I'm grateful to my son for helping me.

And I'm tired.

My fault. I haven't really eaten sugar in over a week and I had an entire, large candy bar right before bed and I paid. I didn't sleep and I'm shittin' out a second human or something this morning.

I have come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to sell my furniture in order to pay my bills. I'm very sad about it but it is what it is.

I just have to remember that we will be OK.

I go back and forth on that one. I keep thinking about Mom. 

I'm going out to my sister's place today and I was hoping to sleep over but I have to sell this furniture and I'm going to put it up for sale tomorrow in hopes that I'll be able to get to the bank first thing Monday and then be able to start paying all my bills.

I have two interviews on Monday and am still waiting to hear on another one that I had. I don't feel good about that one at all though. I really fucked up in the interview. I was nervous and about to cry the whole time. It was awful.

I can't do this much longer. It's eating me up from the inside. I walk around wishing I'd just drop from a heart attack.

I talk to mom and dad and ask them to bring me home.

I just won't do it to myself because of my kids but at this point, I do think everyone would just be better off without having the stress of what I'm going through on them. There's enough stress in the world as it is.

So don't worry, I'm not gonna take matters into my own hands but I just wish...pfffftttt. 

Well this went there, didn't it? Sorry.

I don't feel like this all the time, just a lot and more so when I don't get enough sleep. I'll be OK. I'll do all the "stuff" that helps and I'll just keep going, trying to believe, perhaps naively so, that this will pass.

I have good days and bad days and this is just...it's not a good day. That's all. It'll pass.

Here's today's video.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Feelin' It

 Well hello there,

A happy day to you indeed. So this is bizarre and unusual. I didn't get a ton of sleep. Under 6 hours but it was in one big, chunk...and I feel great.

This sleep shit is so weird.

But I really do believe as the days go on without the Hydroxyzine that I am feeling better, lighter on my feet so to speak. Lighter in my mind and in my head.

Never again. I will take no to little sleep over how I felt the other day, any day.

Bad, Bad, Bad.

Good things are coming...I feel it.

I always know. 

I don't know exactly what it will be, but I always know.

And I have this day to get soooo much shit done. Tomorrow, I'm going out to my sistahbelle's place to pup-sit. And Imma sleep over too.

So there will be lots to do...today.

I am uploading videos and have 3 more to edit and then I'm finally done with the updating part of things.

Ugh, I thought I had cancelled all my stupid subscriptions and I missed one. It only put me under #6.48 but thankfully I woke up early enough to catch it because if I hadn't, I would've been assessed a $39.00 overdraft fee.

My son venmoed me $10.00 and today I have to bring my damn piggy bank to the bank to make a deposit. 

Yeah, it's literally come to that. So hopefully, I'll have enough in the Pig to pay him back and get something in the bank, if even a few bucks.

We're gonna be OK. I'm feeling it.

So, I'm going to wait to post this blog until the video is uploaded/edited and on YouTube as I'm hoping to post everything on the same day...obviously, the video posts to YouTube but I like it to post it on Willow's Whimsy as a stand alone and also as a part of the blog.

I'm just so happy that I was able to get up earlier than what's been the norm of late. I fucking hate sleeping past 6AM, especially when it's getting light out earlier. I love being up just as the darkness is almost, but not completely, faded from the sky.

It's my bestie's birthday today. Send out good vibes to Beast if you would. She's deserves a perfect day.

Ok, here's today's video:

The ol' insomnia.

Ack.

Have a great day all.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Share the Light

 

Hello later in the morning which I hate,

Yeah. Slept until 4AM, went back to sleep and woke up at 9 something and am now plodding, plodding. And there are things I need to do.

Also, what's up with the dreams again? The dream I had last night, wasn't bad but it was so weird and just in case someone still lurks from time to time, I'm not going to write it out. 

It doesn't mean I in any way want or require this person back in my life. And it wasn't a romantic dream in any way. 

But it was so vivid. I think that's what gets me the most. It's one of those dreams where you see details all around you, whether it's the color of things or the details...or white fairy wings, lol. Cuz I did...we were wearing them.

Ok, well. 

Enough about that. Yesterday was hell. I woke up crying and I basically stayed crying all day. I took a long nap too.

I was reminded that it was a full moon and so I do believe that's part of it but I also believe that it's the sleep medication. I can't take the hydroxyzine. This is a higher dosage than before so that explains the tears and depression and inability to move at all, but the lower dosage clearly, looking back, affects me that way too, although on a much lower level but it may explain my overall lack of energy.

No more. After yesterday, never again. So what to do? Anything all natural that doesn't affect me in some way.

So for now, lavender, chamomile, lemon balm, valerian and anything with magnesium, L-theanine, etc. That's it.

No edibles either because whenever I stop taking them, my heart rate starts to go back down to normal so I can't have that increased rate.

I say all this to admit that I do know there is some real depression mixed in with this but I'm going to have push through that because what happened to me yesterday, that was not good. That was dark, dark stuff and I try to stay out of those places now.

So I'm still dopey feeling today but not nearly as dark and depressed and...you know, end game thinking.

So.

I have stuff to do. Even though it's already 10:30, I'm gonna try.

I'm really gonna try.

For now, I'm not addressing the lingering sadness. I more than let it all out yesterday so today's goal is to act as if I'm happy little bug of a fire fly, landing and flying and showing off my lil' ol' light.

I hope you are able to do the same, unless you are genuinely happy. If you are, SHARE the light!!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Purging

 

Hi Everyone,

Well. It's been a day already although I haven't done anything yet. I woke up and BAM, the tears started. I sobbed for a good half hour.

I'm assuming I needed to do that.

Part of me wants to give up, throw in the towel. I've been trying so hard to stay positive. It's daunting, this constant stress, knowing that bills will be coming due, knowing I have nothing in my account to pay them.

God. A job. I just want a job. Is that so freaking hard? I guess it is and I don't understand it.

I just applied for one. Meh.

I did have a good day though yesterday. Yep, got some things done. Job search is included in that.

I haven't shot a video for today.

It's in the plan though.

So, I have no idea why this all hit so hard today. I think it's good to purge it so I'm allowing that. But I am also going to keep going. 

It's all I can think to do because...this just all feels hard today.

Ok, so that's what I will do.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Sleep Being a Lady!!

 

Hi Guys,

How's everyone doing? I hope you are all well.

The sun is shining and we're supposed to get close to 50 today. 

I'll be out there walking in it at some point.

Well, in spite of "me", I had a great day yesterday. I got so much done. It was like a marathon and it was on!

Update on the boil; the boil remained the same much of the day. However, I finally put one of my hydro colloidal Band-Aids on last night and it sucked so much of the "stuff" out of the boil. I had a major clean up when I woke up but the boil is still there, though greatly diminished. I only had little ones on hand so I have to go use my damn credit card to get some bigger ones. I mean, they work great. I'm not going to shower this morning until I've gone and gotten them because that's amazing.

So my usual step count goal is 8000 a day, right? Well I haven't been coming anywhere close to making that. I was so busy yesterday that I went to bed with 12,000 under my belt.

Also, sleep. The last two nights have been really good. My friend gave me her hydroxyzine scrip if you recall. Well, I was like, how come this works so good and yesterday, I looked at the mg and it's 5 more than what I was taking. I'll tell you what, I'll take it, it works but man, I wake up one groggy motherfucker but the night before last, I got 7 hours and 21 minutes in, with excellent deep and REM times. Last night, I got in a whopping 8 hours and 13 minutes with excellent REM and good deep.

Yup, I will definitely take that!

No bites on jobs goddamnit.

So just more of that today and some getting outside. Some bathbomb making. I just have a tiny bit of cleaning left. I'll be cleaning the kitchen repeatedly today; both to cook and because of the bathbombs. It is what it is.

I'm going to have to push myself to make my steps today. Only going for 8000 today. Why is this so important? It's important because it's something I have control over, something I can succeed at. All this other shit could take me down so quick if I let it.

And I just can't let it. I can't. 

So. I'm going to get moving here. I did publish my latest video. Here it is for your perusal. It's a long one but oh well....

Let's see.

Okay, yeah. Another busy one today. I got this for sure. If I nailed yesterday, today should be easy peasy and the busier I stay, the less stress I feel over all this shit.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Detachment for the Betterment

 

Hello Everyone,

So. I got some things done yesterday. Bringing back YouTube has truly shown me where my OCD lies though. No shooting today. I have a video for today, which I'll post at the end of this blog and then I have one for tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll be shooting two more.

I have a list for today but not sharing that anymore. It's too hard when I don't succeed and then I feel bad writing about it, even if I accomplished some of it.

Trying not to be so perfectionist. My daughter asked me for cuddles and it was sad to me that the first thing I thought of was all I have to do today so I crawled in with her and cuddled and I'm glad I did.

I am down to 3 bucks guys.

Thankfully, I have other credit cards because the ones I've been using for all the "stuff" we need; groceries, kitty litter, kitty food, laundry detergent, toilet paper...you can see there's no "Pierre Purchases" in any of that.

This is starting to wear me down but today, I'm going to just try and stay as busy as possible so it doesn't freeze me in my tracks again.

There is job search in the mix so just know that I'm staying on top of it. I got a thanks but no thanks, woohoo, someone got back to me.

Fuckers.

The boil! Well, the boil started leaking yesterday. I will spare you the details because even I am grossed out by it. It's still there though. This thing presented, like I wrote, as a tiny bump but clearly there were things going on underneath the surface because when I started fucking with it...BOOM. HUGE. I'm worried because even though the lump is much smaller, there's probably a sac in there and this means I'm at risk of it filling up again.

I'm thinking at some point, it will have to be surgically removed. Do I go to an ass specialist for this or a dermatologist. 

No fucking clue.

I do know that when I find a job, I will be busy and tired so I'm just trying my best to get on top of all of this.

Tomorrow won't feel as crazy because the cleaning will be done too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not sure how I am guys. 

I just want this part to be over. I want a job, I want to be getting back on track financially even that is hell too. It won't be forever.

Whatever, I guess today even writing about it stresses me out.

This will be one of those days where I try to use my skill of detachment for the betterment of my ability to make some progress and do some good things.

So onwards.

Love to you all.

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Boil on my Butt

 

Good Morning,

Ok. Obviously, by the title, you're probably here to read about the boil. Unless you are a regular reader in which case, you saw the title and shook your head with a smile on your face knowing that this is me...nothin is sacred in the life of Denise.

Let's start with boils in general. I get tiny ones every year, mostly in the groin area, occasionally in my pits. I think it's from shaving.

This does not happen often, it's not like I'm walking around with boils all over my body.

You are NOT supposed to do this, so please don't. I would say that I've been lucky, but I usually squeeze the fuck out them until they pop. I've never had an infection and I've never had problems as a result but please don't do that. 

You probably think, "oh, that must hurt." Oh it does. It's excruciating but when you're a freak of nature about weird things on your body, then you do what I do.

This one is different. It started as a little pimple in my butt crack, towards the top but deep in if that makes sense.

It's been there for like 4 or 5 months. I don't like it, I don't want it there. I stayed away from this one because of the location and the liklihood of infection.

But this week, I couldn't take it anymore and I tried to pop it and it grew to about 5 or 6 times the size it was. Maybe all of that was underneath the pimple and by my squeezing, it all came to the surface. I literally squeeze the thing until I either almost vomit or pass out. The pain.

But I don't want this fucker there.

So. I am now taking two scalding hot, epsom salt baths a day. I wash my keester really good and then I sit there for 20 minutes.

I dry it off really well and then I put this Differen stuff on it, it's a retinoid. It's usually used for cystic acne but I thought...well a boil is like a cyst, right?

I work it in really well.

And when I do number two, I use these wipe things to ensure a total clean and then I use toilet paper to make sure it's totally dry. Then I put more of that "stuff" on.

You guys, I can feel the thing when I sit down, I have to get in my car carefully because it hurts. I'm considering doing a clay mask on the thing as well because clay pulls things to the surface.

We'll see. I'll keep you posted. For now, it's two baths a day, scalding hot and with a ton of epsom salts and then the gel plus just keeping the area clean and dry in general.

There you have it. 

Only I would get a boil in my ass, one that got so big, I can't even sit down. This is me. This is the shit that happens to me and has my whole life...if it's weird and not that likely, well than  it'll happen to me.

Yesterday was good.

I'm really having to push the shame of this whole fucking financial shit down. It's hard.

It's piss and shit.

I need my PISS energy gun. Don't ask. There is one person who will read this blog and she knows exactly what my PISS energy gun was. It had special powers. And I had a power ring too and that exact same person may have found someone who can make me a new one. I left it on the counter at Burger King when I was little and have been looking for it's likeness ever since.

The PISS energy must come from nature but the ring could be made, I would just need to energize it with the light of the sun and light of moon.

I will find both.

And that's all I feel like writing.

Why go into I did this and I did that and bla bla bla fucking bla bla.

Ballers don't whine for too long. Ballers get shit done.

I'm a baller.

Here's my VisionList, Part 2 Baller of a Video.

Be Blessed Loves.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Today is All the Things

Good Morning!

Oh wow, you guys. Someone I love had a scrip for Hydroxyzine and she's not using it so she gave it to me. I slept 6.5 hours which is at the lower end of my sweet zone, but I got in an hour and 38 minutes of deep sleep and an hour and 39 minutes of REM.

I knew when I woke up this morning, that I felt better, before even looking. That's the difference good sleep can make.

I feel amazing.

And ya know, I pooped too, a couple times and I feel like this great weight was lifted from me, LOL!!

I feel good!!

So I do believe I posted my 2nd in the update videos here yesterday. I just published the first of the VisionList videos. Here it is.

I'm doing good at keeping this under 20 minutes. The end goal is 15 minutes each but I'm forcing myself to stop and just let them be what they are - meaning the videos.

I can get completely and totally OCD about these things. And so far, so good. Tomorrow, I'm going shoot Neecie's Journey to Better Health and probably a Neecie's Many Musings.

I just want to keep them coming for now.

At some point, I may have to sleep with the enemy so to speak and do some sales off of my videos but we are not there yet.

I'll think about it once my videos are getting at least 50 views per video and I have 1000+ subscribers.

Anyways, today is all the things; major catch up on the apartment, including some packing, making a shit ton of easter egg bathbombs and job search.

I can't be taking the weekends off from that shit. I just got a text from a "recruiter" saying my resume had been recommended and that they have a remote job, making anywhere from $200 to $800 a day, with benefits and 25 to 50 paid days off a week.

K, that's a scam. These rejects don't care who they fuck over or use. The text came from somewhere other than the United States.

Please don't fall for these things. I'll probably cover scam calls on one of my videos. People must be getting desperate because these calls and texts are coming in for me at an unprecedented rate.

I allowed myself one day of gratitude and I mean, I still searched for jobs but I didn't do too much else. Rent is paid but here we are and I have payments due next week so I have to figure out what I want to do.

Do I sell the furniture or no? 

It's a conundrum.

I will decide by noon.

So I hope you all have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Veil is Lifted

Hi Guys,

Big, deep breath because today is gonna be a doozy.

I got some offers of help for the rent. In a couple minutes, I need to call the office to figure out how to pay this because it's coming from a couple different sources.

Part of what I owe is the utilities and that's an entirely separate payment but still considered to be part of the rent.

While I am deeply grateful for the help, I am deeply filled with shame too.

You know, I can piss and moan and beat myself up but here we still are and it is what it is.

Today is go day for everything. I woke up at 4 and couldn't sleep so I applied for 3 jobs. I'm going to try and get set up with instacart today which I'm just mortified by but again, is what it is.

In speaking with my sister yesterday, I told her that I'm in this place now....it's different for me. I like to think that there has been all this change but here I am again and the veil has been lifted.

Again, not the time to beat myself up, time to get shit moving and happening.

Today, it's figuring out all the payments, selling my couch so I can pay other bills that are coming due and making bathbombs.

It's all I have right now and I don't expect anyone to foot my fucking bill.

If this is all happening by my design than it's up to me to change the design.

Do I always have to hit bottom in order to see where I fucked up?

I guess I do.

Ok, so I'm gonna shut up about all that now.

And I'm not going to say I hate today because who knows, maybe a miracle will happen...

So onward lil' soldier, lil' Dighty Jo.

Please send good energy, not just for today but for a job, for a budget that's doable and for me to get out of this mess I've made.

It takes a village and my village is showing up. I didn't ask for it, but here they are and I am really grateful.

Here is part 2 of the update videos. I'll be shooting another video today too.

Ok, I have to go down to the office now.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Detaching Sometimes Gets You Through

 

Hi Everyone,

It's a frickin' no sleep, poopin' morning. Lovely.

I have to be honest, I'll probably go back to sleep for an hour or two. I'm so drained.

Ummm, yeah, so many things going through my mind but the past is the past; there is no shoulda, coulda, woulda in any of this.

So if I go delinquent on my rent, I will get charged 10% of my rent per day for 10 days and then they begin the eviction process.

This is bad.

I'm OK. 

All I can do is keep moving. I am so detached from this, I have no choice but to face it but I am detached. I'm trying not to feel any of this.

My daughter has a place to stay and it was offered to me to come there too. The cats could be there but I don't think there's actually a room for my daughter and I to stay in so I might have her stay there and like I said, I am so in I give no fucks whatsoever mode that I will stay in my car. The back seats drop and I can put a litter box in the trunk so Grey and Mocha can access it.

And you know, hopefully this won't be forever. 

I know this is how this happens and where it starts but...you know, I always say that I'm Denise MF Johnson so time to put that to the test.

I'm not going to cancel my gym membership again because that's where I'll be showering, etc.

The one thing I can't default on is the loan I took out because they have a lien on my car so at this point, it's just about paying my bills and if I live in my car for awhile, I can save money.

When I let this sink in, I get sick so it's just straight ahead, plow through, jump into it and don't think about it.

Looking back, I see it all so clearly. But that doesn't change what is now. I take full responsibility for this.

I think I used my 9 lives up and now it's me. It's all me. And maybe that's what Mom was trying to really say in the dream I had of her.

The dreams I've had about both mom and dad both seemed to indicate that I'll be OK.

I'm gonna go with that.

I did apply for a lot of jobs yesterday. I just don't know why no one calls me back. It's so frustrating. 

Here's the video I published today.

Ok, I'm out. I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Facing Things

 

Hello Dahlings,

Ugh, another shitty day. It really snowed last night and it was gorgeous, except that I had to drive in it and it was dark and stupid me got on the highway.

I spun out at least twice on the highway, saw the few other cars that were out, spin out and one almost smashed into me. 

Then I spun out again when I turned on to the street my daughter works on. Well...she doesn't work on the street, lmao. You get my meaning.

But I took backroads home with no incidents.

Beautiful...but deadly.

I don't know what to do at this point. I think I better talk to my apartment manager and tell her we'll be going through the eviction process so she knows. 

I think I should sell as much of my stuff as I can as well so I can at least keep up on my bills.

So I guess we'll begin this too.

I need to find a place for my daughter and her cat to go because I'm gonna hang out in my car.

I just don't even care.

All this financial shit. It's one thing when you can stay on top of it, but a whole nother ballgame when the chips start to fall and they aren't falling in good places.

I have to face this so I'm thinking today's the day.

I know they'll ask us to leave early but I have so much "stuff" and I'm really going to get rid of as much as possible but some of it will have to go somewhere. I am hoping I won't have to lose everything.

So. I did apply for a few jobs yesterday and I have already applied for 2 today.

I think it's OK to give up for now and to focus on what needs to get done in the apartment.

This is going to be really, really hard but I got this. 

And so, I will come back tomorrow and tell you how this all goes.

Posted this one yesterday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Nights Don't Work For Me Anymore

 

Good Morning,

Yesterday though. I started out great but then quickly went downhill. I got in over 10 job apps though before the pfffft.

So there's that. I've applied for one this morning.

I had a weird experience last night. I woke up at 3 and couldn't back to sleep so I got up and I felt physically anxious if that makes sense. My mental state was not one of my anxiety but my body was feeling it big time. I felt all the strength drain out of my stomach and legs and then I couldn't breath. It reminded me of when I had the bleeding ulcer.

I was going to call 911 and then I decided not to. What I'm about to write is going to scare some people and it's not meant to scare anyone. I'm not planning my demise, not at all. I'm still here trying. But here we go. I didn't call 911 because I looked in my daughter's room and she's going through so much because of all this shit too and I just thought, "If this is a heart attack, or a stroke, or a bleeding ulcer, maybe it'd be better to let it happen." I felt like, if this is it, I'm ready.

So I went to bed.

And I woke up. LOL, here I am. Another day. And I feel fine. I checked my oxygen level and it's 98%. My body doesn't feel sick like it did last night. My legs are intact and good.

Just some weird thing I guess. Not sure what it's all about.

And I ended up taking a second edible because at that point, I realized I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep on my own and I was going on just under 4 hours of sleep at that point. It took about an hour to get back to sleep but I woke up with 8 hours and 29 minutes of sleep in the bag and that's great.

No dreams.

I had a dream a couple nights ago, I call them flash dreams. Did I write about this already? I don't think so. I was in and out of sleep and I was at that place where you're mostly asleep but still close to wakefulness and I kept seeing different women dressed all in black. One looked like a puritan and she was screaming, one had more of a witches dress on and her black hair was flowing in the wind and she just looked at me...those are the two I distinctly remember but there were at least 5 different women I saw. And then I saw a litter of black puppies in a pile on this really green, fresh grass. They were in my backyard in the dream, even though I don't have one in real life. There had to be at least 10 puppies. They were in a pile, too little to really go to far and they seemed happy, like it wasn't a bad thing.

Usually, I can fairly quickly ascertain the meaning of my dreams but this one has me stumped.

Black symbolizes the unknown, the unconscious, danger, mystery, darkness, death, mourning, rejection, hate or malice. The color invites you to delve deeper in your unconscious in order to gain a better understanding of yourself. It also signifies a lack of love and lack of support. More positively, black represents potential and possibilities. It is like a clean or blank slate.

To see a woman in your dream represents nurturance, passivity, caring nature, and love. It refers to your own female aspects or your mother. Alternatively, a woman indicates temptation and guilt. 

To see a litter of puppies in your dream is indicative of the amount of time that an idea has been developing or will take to develop. Look to the number of puppies to give you that approximate amount of time.

To see green grass in your dream suggests that there is a part of yourself that you can always rely on. The dream is also symbolic of natural protection. 

So you can see why this one is weird for me. And there can be several different meanings depending on the content or overall feeling of the dream. The women weren't bad or in danger. Now as I'm writing, I feel like maybe they are representative of me and different aspects of myself.

I don't feel like the women represented temptation or guilt. Of course, they put temptation in with woman. Could someone cut us some fucking slack?

The rest of it, I just don't know.

But I'll think about it.

I call these flash dreams because they are literally only a flash of a dream, maybe one second long but they leave an imprint. The dream I had of Dad was a flash dream. But these dreams are incredibly vivid. I can tell you everything about the dream about Dad and would take way longer to describe it than the length of time, the dream was there.

But yes, I don't do so good at night anymore. I don't like night anymore. Too much stress at night. At least during the day, I can try to lie myself into believing we'll be OK but at night...torture.

I'm trying you guys. I am going to start throwing shit out and offering shit up for sale; my new furniture all of that. 

I'll let you know when it's available.

But it will be this week.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie