New Knees, Two Knees

 

Good Morning,

Well. I had a good day yesterday. I met my sister for an early dinner and it was...so good to be out and to hang out with her.

I talked to my mom this morning and you know, she said to me, "I don't always know what to say" in regards to what I'm going through and I told her it's not the kind of thing anyone else can fix and I don't expect or require that, ya know? Just having people who care and tell me they care and that they love me is more than enough.

And it is.

I'm a different person now. I know this is all of my doing because I did have a job. I didn't like it. I quit. Most people, who have some common sense, would say, "time to start looking for another job."

But not me. I cut myself off at the knees and tell myself I'll grow new ones.

And I believe that shit.

Jesus.

Dumb.

You know, if nothing else, I see it now. How my thinking gets me in trouble. It's 100% absolutely ridiculous.

And from now on, for the big decisions, I'm going to run them by someone first. If I jump, it's on me. And if I make the right decisions, that's still mine but at least I listened to that tinier voice inside me that says, "no, don't do it" and I reached out and had that validated by someone.

Because my own thinking says yes to literally everything that feels good in the moment. A lifetime of feels good in the moment and I really don't remember many of those things that I just had to have or just had to walk away from.

And as far as the people who have helped me? Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful but I feel bad that they even have to, or feel like they have to.

Money. People work hard for their money and for the things they have. I do not feel on any level that people are supposed to just hand over to me in my irresponsibility, that which they have worked for.

It's not right.

Anyways, it's raining outside, not hard but I think maybe I'll dig my warm clothes out and go for a walk in the rain. It's healing. Water always makes me cry. Being in water I should say. I don't see it as depression, I see it as a lifetime of pain, whether it comes from actual painful things, or depression, or a past life, there's pain and crying helps me get rid of it and the water just washes it away.

I did manage a video yesterday. Here it is:

Now on with my day.

Some plans but we shall see.

My daughter doesn't work which means I don't have to drive her to work or pick her up.

I am grateful for that.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie