How is everyone doing today? I'm good. I seem to be roused from my lethargy. Yesterday, was a lethargy day. I fight those days, I do, but sometimes, you have to give in.
I did get to see my sissy though. That was good. Sometimes when I see people now, I think as I am with them, they have no idea how alone I've let myself become, how sad I am, how much I miss mom and dad, how each day is a fight to...feel anything.
I don't know how this happened to me, which is why I continue to fight through days like that...because I know maybe somehow, I'll find a moment of laughter or happiness or love and it'll make all this worth it.
I don't think this is all about the job situation anymore. This is something that I think always brewed just beneath the surface, like hotsprings underground in mountains.
There, but hidden.
My other shit was the shit people saw, because that's what I knew...I had all the big feelings, the self-centeredness, the constant seeking of instant gratification so that those springs wouldn't boil over. Not even that really, I didn't know they were there consciously but my subconscious knew and so there were hints and I didn't want to feel it.
But I've been without for so long; without drinking or the dope, without spending money, without...and now I see, now I know.
It doesn't mean I'm all dark inside. Like I said, once in awhile I feel real still. I feel things like hope or laughter or happiness. But sometimes I feel like this is all a dream, someone else's dream or like I'm a puppet in some other worldly being's playtime.
Like none of this can be real, there are such evil, mean people in this world and living in a world like this...knowing assholes exist, well sometimes it's a hard deal for me.
But I go on.
And now I'm laughing hysterically because I'm listening to my Spotify and Air Supply just came on and I can't stop laughing. My old boyfriend and I, Justin, got so stoned one time and an Air Supply concert came on. Justin was into Metallica and all that when they first came out and so this was...a shock to him, lmao!! We were so stoned and we listened to Air Supply and just laughed hysterically.
The Universe must've known I needed to laugh.
In spite of these thoughts, I am getting things done today. It's an "on" day for me. On days are good, they keep me from these feelings.
It's only when I sat down to blog that I realized, "Oh, it's dark again."
And so, onwards.
The sun is shining. I'm going to go clean my room and then I'll go for a walk in it.
Because that helps too.
I hope you all are having a good day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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