Got Me Some Groceries

 

Hi Everyone,

Well. Here I am, determined to get a little bit of a lot done today.

So far, so good.

I have a list and I'm paying attention to my thoughts and actions as I move through this day. When I avoid doing the things I know I should be doing, what is going through my head if anything at all?

I'm not finding much at all. I honestly think it's the self-sabotage thing and the message I've always given myself that I'm not worth it, or why try, or it's easier to just give in and do nothing meaningful...

Why I feel those things doesn't matter. They have become habit and that's what matters.

So today, it's been little pushes. Don't overthink anything, just count to 3 and go. 
And the things that I do manage to do? I'm telling myself it's good, I can accomplish things and I deserve to accomplish things just like everyone else does.

I went on a walk, I went and got gas and went to the grocery store. Santa came and he gave me a gift card to Target. I spent it on the omeprazole for my tummy because I was out and it started hurting me again. The rest I spent on food. I cannot tell you how good it felt to be able to get enough for a few actual meals, not just one or two things and hoping we can stretch it out. Santa also brought a huge ass thing of the good toilet paper. LMAO, Santa knows me oh so well. I've been grateful for that toilet paper today, because...well...if you know, you know. Yup, bad morning for me bowel.

I'm finding it hard to stay off of my phone. I don't think that's a unique thing. I think we all spend way to much time on our phones.

So I have to keep reminding myself to stay off of it, put it back down.

I'm going to do some job search now and I'll be back tomorrow. I know I don't really do this to much anymore, writing out my list of to do's on here and I'm going to try and continue with that because how much I get done is not as important as the fact that I get anything done. 

I have some goals and I'll simply let you know tomorrow if I make them, if don't, I'll look at why and talk about solutions.

Deep breath in. 
Exhale slowly.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & :ight,

Neecie

Weird Dinner

Hi guys,

Sadly, I did not get a lot of sleep last night, just under four hours and so I just made myself something to eat and I’m so full. I’m like a slug on the couch.

Yesterday was really good. I got the house cleaned up and my sister came out. She took me out to dinner and then we went to target, I thought she needed things for herself, but she ended up buying me two bras and some underwear. Now I’m crying because I’m so grateful. Bras and underwear may not be a big deal to some people, but I struggle so much with feeling good about myself, especially because I have found myself in this situation that I am currently in yet again. It can be hard. My sister says don’t beat yourself up, you can’t go back. She’s right, it’s done. I’m just really trying to really let this in this time and feel it, it’s so hard because I still have other addictions in place that I haven’t given up. I’m talking about cigarettes obviously. But I am working on just putting it behind me and moving forward And so someone doing what may seem like a little thing like getting someone some bras and underwear is actually a huge thing because it makes me feel more normal. Because I really needed some bras and underwear and I can’t get them for myself right now. And she didn’t make a big production out of it, it was just you need this let’s get this. I’m really grateful.

I hope I can do nice things for her someday. I used to take things like this for granted and now I am processing through feeling ashamed and letting that go and just focusing on the now and being grateful.

We came back here and hung out a little bit. She left and shortly after, I went to pick up my daughter.

And today I am just really tired.

I made this weird dinner. I had some ground turkey so I cooked that and I added Lipton soup mix to it. I cooked up rice and I always cook my rice in chicken broth as opposed to water because it just makes the flavor so amazing. I stirred that all together and added sour cream and I know it sounds bizarre but oh my God it’s good. Incredibly filling.

My sister took me out for dinner yesterday and I got the salad that I just love. So there was food. I have eggs and flour and am planning on making waffles tomorrow as that just sounds good.

Then we’ll have to figure something out. 

I’m ok though. I’m good today, just tired.

I hope you are all enjoying your weekend.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Plans

Well Hello There,

So happy. I got my bathbombs wrapped. I only have 20 of them, but, the money would allow us to get some groceries and put something towards rent. The cynical, self pitting the side of me wants to say why even fucking bother?

But the other side says, no no, let’s keep going, let’s keep trying. The most ridiculous part of this, and please understand when I say this, I am not saying that anyone should help us, the most ridiculous part of this is that all I need is $3600. That’s my portion of the rent for January, February and March.

I had someone reach out to me about a part-time job, but it would be less than I get from unemployment and so I thought no, not yet. But if we somehow make it until March 1, as soon as I go back to that regular job if I don’t find another one, I’m going to get a part-time job. And that part-time job, I’m going to have to stick with it, I have a goal of 18 months to pay off my debt and so for 18 months, I will need to work a second job.

It will be worth it to have the debt paid off. I looked at what I’m paying an interest each month and it just took my breath away. But I still am determined to do this. I was with a friend last night and she said I’m just asking, I’m just wondering, why won’t you file bankruptcy? You see, I’ve been there done that, many times in my life, and my life has been about taking the easy way out. When things get hard, I do everything or at least in the past, I have done everything to fuck them up even more. I am never going to learn the lesson of how to spend money responsibly, and to have a healthy relationship for lack of a better term, with money, unless I do this. Bankruptcy is part of the problem with our economy, it is not a solution.

Another friend asked me if I’m going to get rid of my credit cards as I pay them off. The answer to that is no. Not all of them anyways. I am going to hang onto every single one of them until they are paid off. Once they are paid off, I will be making phone calls because I’m so irresponsible. I don’t even know what my interest rate is on my cards and I don’t even know which cards I have Annual fees for. Any card with an annual fee, I will be getting rid of. Of the remaining cards, I will be making phone calls to find out if they will decrease my interest rate.

You have to play the game.

Anyways, I did post a video of the few bath bombs I was able to make. Here is that video.

It’s a very small thing, these bath bombs, but I will tell you this; as far as my vision list for October 2025 to October 2026, it doesn’t matter what I put out there as a product for people to purchase, it just matters that I do it. Something, anything. I just do it. 

I am very lucky to have supplies right now for certain things. I am not even going to worry about how this is all going to unfold. For once in my life, I have no big plan. My plans don’t work because I’m A-to-Z without B through Y.

Fuck all that.

You know I’m sitting here and I just realize how can I trust the universe when I don’t even trust myself? What I’m talking about is not that I will continue to screw up money and blah blah blah, what I’m talking about is that I just don’t follow through on things.

But you know what, I did get some good things done yesterday. I had to cancel my debit card as there was fraudulent activity, but nothing that the bank didn’t cover so that’s good.

I didn’t even freak out about that. I just called the bank and they put me with security and they were actually going to call me as they had just flagged the charge.

But now I have no access to my damn funds unless I want to get my lazy ass up and go to the bank. I don’t.

The weather is supposed to get bad today. I have a little bit of $ left on one of my cards and it's either use the card or starve, so I'm headed out to get a few groceries.

Stay safe, the weather is being wicked everywhere you turn, look, read about...just stay safe.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Prison Boxes

Hi Everyone,

How are you alll?

I hope this finds you well.

So today I am trying to do something, anything, and if I'm honest, I'm trying to do a little of everything. I already know I can't get it all done so a little bit of everything.

Just anything productive. I've been in no-man's land and I'm looking to break free. 

I was going to go to a friend's house last night but didn't and so I am going tonight. I know it's going to be hard because I'll be thinking of all I need to do but I have to start pushing myself out of the box I've both created and imprisoned myself in.

I'm gonna be there at  and leave by 7:15. That gives me enough time to sortof get my shite together for bed. So I just have to keep moving until it's time to go over there. I'll feel so much better about things if I do that.

It's "little" Pumpkin's birthday today. 3 years ago, the first time I ever got to see kittens be born, I held that little girl in my hands, removed her amniotic sac because her Momma was exhausted at that point and then, when she wouldn't take a breath, I rubbed her vigorously until she did.

And now, she's a chonka wonka.

She has brought us unimaginable laughter and joy.

Alright, well, on with it then.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

What I Have and Not What I Want

Ah. Well. I still have 12 minutes to start this with Good Morning.

This bottom I’ve hit? I believe I wrote about it recently? I’m not bouncing back as I usually do. Luckily, it’s not a bottom with give so it’s not going further down. I’m staying very uncomfortably in the same place.

Part of it is I promised myself no more dramatic posts on FB.

So that’s an outlet I’ve shut down.

And I struggle when I give up habits even if they no longer serve me. 

I don’t know what’s gonna happen here but the fear of it has me frozen. 

I’m willing to change things but it seems I’ve put conditions on it.

I have to let those go. Changing it has to start with forcing myself to do the things that will help.

Changing it means working with what I have, not what I want.

See I know these things but putting action behind it? I wilt.

But that is the beginning of the way out.

I reached out to two friends yesterday. Because I can’t stand feeling like this anymore. I need to get OUT of the apartment everyday. 

So I’m going over to have dinner at a friend’s tonight and I’m doing the same Thursday night and I’m seeing my sister on Friday.

My bestie is in Washington and the flooding and breaking of the levees and the storms…it’s brutal. 

She’s ok but I am worried. I am really, really worried.

Please keep her and all the people affected by this in your thoughts.

Anyways, that’s where things are at today. By reaching out, I feel I was able to rise a bit off the bottom today. I’m hovering just above it, levitating with my toes almost touching the bottom but above it nonetheless.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Inconceivable

Another Day, maybe Another Dollar.

Greetings to you this morning.

I slept last night but I cried myself to sleep. I am devastated by the what happened to Rob Reiner and his wife. Apparently, it was their son who killed them.

Obviously, I did not know these people. But Rob Reiner has been such a part of my life in a way. As I was coming up in my adulthood, his movies were the fabric of my life.

I went and saw This is Spinal Tap with my friend Greg, who was probably one of my best friends at that time and he sadly has passed on. And princess bride? I mean, I don’t even know how many times I’ve watched that movie. I loved it when I saw it as a teenager and I loved it when I watched it with my children. I’m gonna see if I can find it today and watch it in honor of him. It’s just so sad. 

And it makes you realize, it really can end at any time. In any way. I sit here in my depression and my fear and quite frankly, some days it’s outright hopelessness and now I’m sitting here thinking, well I’m alive.

I still have work to do. There’s still a chance for me.

It just all feels so hard.

I did get some things done yesterday. I’m going to try to get some things done today.

It’s funny because I put myself out here, on this blog, but especially doing the YouTube videos. I continue to get more attention there and more subscribers and don’t get me wrong, I am not knocking it, but when people comment, then I get scared of them. And I wonder what their motivations are and I have turned off comments, but some of my other shorts before I did that obviously, people still have the ability to comment and no one has said anything mean or bad, just someone commented some things and I’m just not who I used to be. I used to thrive on any kind of attention and now when I get attention, it scares me to death and I find myself questioning people’s intentions. You know, like I don’t trust them or something.

All I can do, is continue to post videos and disable the comments each time.

I guess I’m just a scaredy-cat these days. And honestly, a lot of it has to do with the fact that in the past, while my choices in friends has always been dead on, my choices as far as romantic connections were so far off and often times, I started friendships, thinking friendship, and even said friendship, and the other person took it somewhere. It was never meant to go. So yeah, I get scared of people.

Anyways, even though I don’t know them, my thoughts go out to the Reiner family and let me just say thank you to Rob Reiner, for what he gave us all, all of us who love his movies.

Ugh, it’s so heartbreaking.

Love and hug your people. Check in with them, make sure they’re OK. Because you just never know, do you? 

I hope you have a good day,

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Nasty

 

Good Morning,

So it seems I'm going to have to really push myself today. Yesterday, my daughter came over, this is my oldest daughter. It was unexpected but welcome. She ended up spending a good portion of her day with my youngest and I.

We were hilarious. A LOT of laughter.

I've said before, that when it comes to my kids, they will always come first. So I dropped what I had planned to do for the day.

After she left though, I got overwhelmed by everything. This is normal for me. The big emotions thing and I suspect, the ADHD thing. So I flaked out.

I didn't sleep well but I did have one dream, about Jeffree Starr of all people, that gave me hope.

No, I will NOT be contacting him to ask him to save us, lol.

I understand fully the dreams meaning.

I'm gonna run with hope today and focus on things that bring wealth...I'm not talking millions, I'm just talking enough.

Although I do not generate $$ off of this blog, it is connected to my YouTube channel and I do not yet qualify for it's ad programs. Sadly, I never will. I can fight it on appeal and will when I can afford it but for now...no. It happened because when I first monetized this blog, people were trying to help me by clicking the ads constantly but they figured that out and disabled my account. It's been over 11 years...so they should give me a second chance but we're not there yet anyways. When I am, I'll look further into it.

So. 

Today.

Today is today and I'm just gonna do the best I can.

That's all I've got. I took bougie bath this morning, conditioned then washed my hair, gave myself a facial because I was so checked out last night, I didn't do it and I felt nasty.

Goodbye nasty girl. Now I'm thinking of Vanity 6. Nasty Girl. Vanity's real name was Denise Matthews and she was engaged to Prince in the 80s. Denise was...look up her story. She turned her life around and she was like...hard core Christian, even becoming a minister. It was a bit much for me but she did eventually die from kidney problems due to her crack use in the late 80s.

Sad.

What matters is that she found peace in a way that was meaningful to her and I suspect, helped a lot of people in the process.

One of the most beautiful creatures to roam this earth.

She just was.

I digress.

I am no longer nasty.

So...onwards.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Good is Good Enough

Good Morning,

I hope you are all feeling good and doing well.

I'm doing good this morning. I did put 5.5 hours of sleep together. I set my alarm for 6 and it took me awhile, but I did get up. I am having a very productive morning so far.

I feel good. I feel strong. I feel, if not hopeful, a bit of relief. Enough, that I can move and get things done today.

This is good and good is good enough. I have a list and job search, resume tweaking is the top priority. If the rest of the things on the list don't happen, it won't be from lack of effort. And that is a good thing, right?

I am not feeling stressed out by things I have no control over and I am working on those things I do have control over.

No naps today, because I've been doing that again but I do believe it affects my sleep at night. 

As good as a nap feels...priorities.

That's really all I have today. 

I hope yours is a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Blew the Day

 

Hello,

Solution only, no bitching, no drama.

The first solution I am finding is one that quite simply has to be 100% nonnegotiable because all the other ones can't happen unless I do this.

When I go into high stress mode like this, I just don't sleep and often times, as occurred the night before last, I have nightmares.

So I was up for at least two hours and finally fell back to sleep and didn't wake up until almost 9 and I just, yes, it still leaves time to handle the priority, which is job search but then we hit the conundrum that is my mind. It won't shut up and it keeps telling me, "you blew the whole day."

While the solution is easy, clearing my brain in order to just push through it, is hard. I don't know if it's impossible or not, but I sit down to do job search and it is just a cluster fuck of everything else I need to do too.

I have literally screamed at my mind and told it, "Just for the love of all that is sacred, shut the fuck up." 

I don't know, keep screaming I guess. Anyways, today I'm not running on a list, today I am doing one thing at a time and now allowing myself to think about anything else.

But. I need to pick a time to get up in the morning and stick to it, regardless of how much I slept. It is what it is.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Coffee and Toilet Paper

Hey All,

Struggling today. Man, this roller coaster though. 

Yesterday, I managed to apply for jobs. I managed not to cry or feel sorry for myself, not to drown in the fear part of this but instead to breath through it.

If by some miracle, I make it to the other side of this…I will never forget the lesson. Never again.

Last week, a family member gave me $50 for food and yesterday, another family member ordered groceries for us.

My former roommate is keeping us in coffee and toilet paper. I just need a few extra things, no more than $20 worth, which I’ll charge. I am extremely grateful.

Each thing counts. Each thing matters. 

Thank you.

I’m going to put out a number here. I’m not asking for this, not from anyone. I have no expectations. It’s an experiment.

Let’s say I don’t find a job and end up having to go back to the job I just got laid off from…I need 6 grand to make my budget. 6K $6,000, Six Thousand. 

Living in fear week to week and sometimes day to day, it’s going to literally be the end of me so I’m trying to manifest this shit. So I can finally just relax and maybe actually be able to focus on what NEEDS to get done.

I know no one I know can do this for me. I’m not asking for that. I’m putting it out to the Universe.

Thank you Universe for six thousand dollars I need to make it til the end of this layoff if I don’t find anything else first.

I’m grateful for getting what I need to survive the next 3 months.

Thank you Universe.

Ok, now that we have that behind us, I am going to finally start my day.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Denise

I Lied

Lol!! Boy, I can’t stick to anything.

My post yesterday was just out of despondency. As the day went on, I did manage to pull myself somewhat out of the lethargy that I’ve been in. I did apply for a job and it is what it is.

It’s not that I’m turning my back on Hope, but you cannot put all your eggs in one basket. I do that shit all the time and if I’m gonna grow and change through this in a way that leads me to living a life of freedom from credit and debt, I have to push through these things and I have to set different priorities and I have to stick to them.

Consistency really is everything.

So I’m going back to the purge and laziness and all the yucko stuffo and getting rid of all of it.

There are two things that I really need to purge. The goddamn cigarettes and coffee and I count them as one thing because they go together like yin and yang. But also staying the fuck off social media. I’m not talking about my YouTube channel and I’m not talking about this blog. I’m talking about the fact that I watch all these near death experience videos and I will watch one after the other after the other after the other. I critique them and think they’re full of shit or on the totally opposite side, I want to go there now. Jesus Christ, I am fucking bat shit crazy.

At least, it’s in a good way these days. I mean, not with the job stuff or the debt stuff, that all has to change, but the things I do to create avoidance in my life, which only makes things worse, let’s face it.

I am going to spend some time on my computer today, really giving energy to the things I can do to offset the extreme anxiety. I feel when I quit smoking. I am not going to get through it without some and I know that, but I look back and I haven’t been drunk and I haven’t done my drug of choice in over 2 1/2 years. How did that happen? I think part of it was the therapy I got, and the diagnosis that I got that led to the therapy. But I need more therapy and that requires a job with insurance. I do not want talk therapy, I want to go through with the DBT therapy again And also I’m thinking probably some EDMR. Is that what it’s called?

Talking about my trauma, I’ve done that my whole life. It triggers the hell out of me and it actually ends up keeping me sick. I just want it gone. One good thing I have been doing is watching this one YouTube channel by this psychiatrist and she breaks down all the different diagnosis' and how they can affect you and what can help. She literally goes into the responses your body has physically and emotionally, and it really helps me because it makes me realize that some of this is not craziness, it’s behaviors that maybe they came out of trauma or they came out of my addiction or whatever and they became habit and it's as simple as developing skills to cope with them.

Because honestly, there are some things I don’t think I will ever get over. There’s a deep hurt in me. I posted a picture of me on Santa‘s lap on Facebook and if you look at my eyes in the picture, I look so sad and I’m just this tiny little girl who was carrying all these feelings. How I wish I could go back and hold her tight and love her and tell her that everything would be OK.

Anyways, my priorities today are self-care in the form of staying off of social media, coming up with some coping skills for the anxiety around quitting smoking, and job search.

Anything else I manage to do, will be positive and good and serve the higher purpose, meaning getting me well.

I am very grateful for friends and family who are holding me up with love right now.

All right, you all have yourselves a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Shutting’er Down

Good Morning,

I’ve been up all night, in and out of sleep.

I think it’s time to start shutting things down. 

I’ve had a good run with the blogging. I hit to see myself evolve out of the anger into something I felt was…better.

My hope was always that I’d be able to change the things about myself that kept me back and then be able to share that so others who suffer from similar things, might not feel so alone. I’ve been able to change some things but others..,it’s just been to hard.

But like I said, it’s been a good run and for all of you who read, and who texted and messaged me over the years, that has been beautiful and something I’ve been so grateful for.

I’m just blogging to blog at this point. 

I’m just really, really tired too.

So I think this has served whatever purpose it needed to.

Thank you again for being a part of my journey. Thank you for supporting this.

I love you all very much,

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Day I Can Look Back

Good morning,

I hope this post finds all of you well. We’re in a deep freeze here in Minnesota. I’m fine with it.

There’s something about winter that just is so comforting to me. Being able to wear warm snuggly clothes and cuddle up on the couch, I just love that.

I had a very productive day yesterday, but of course it’s never enough for me because myself evaluation is always so critical.

My daughter wanted to have a birthday party and that’s something that is so weird to me because of course I celebrate my birthday, but I guess it’s a generational thing; like we always had a family gathering for birthdays but as an adult, it wasn’t a big thing each year. At any rate, she didn’t have the money to get a hotel room and she had thought about going bowling, but she didn’t think people would want to do that and so I said OK, like, you can do it here, but I want people gone by 1 AM. We are going to clean this apartment today and it needs to be clean when everybody leaves.

I want my daughter to have good things in her life and we are struggling and she was grateful and she did say thank you more than once even. I sometimes feel so frustrated by life because life just happens. Sometimes it happens in a way that changes my plans for the day and I have some really big fish to fry.

And you know, I am not one to use mental health as an excuse, I just, I can’t do it and I despise when I see others do it. But it does make things difficult for me and yes, today I woke up to a clean home, which was wonderful, my cats were all with me on the bed and I was able to cuddle them and love them up, but now I am caught in this whirlwind of thoughts; the rent got paid, but I have no food and I need kitty litter and I need this and I need that and bills have to still be paid and what the fuck am I gonna do And you know, the only thing productive as far as what’s going on right now is to try and sell some of my products and to look for a fucking job. 

These are simple things, but in my mind, it’s like they’re huge and they’re cumbersome.

I ran out of smokes yesterday and I was able to make it through the rest of the day without one, but I woke up this morning and the panic just sat in.

I have got to put the cigarettes behind me. And the thing is, yeah, I bought a pack of cigarettes. You would think with the guilt and shame I am feeling over this that I went out and killed 50 innocent people for no reason, other than that I wanted to. No, I bought cigarettes. I’m not trying to justify buying cigarettes here, I have to quit for all the reasons. But my God, the self talk and the shame, it’s debilitating.

The answer here too is very simple; quit that. Just fucking quit that. Those stupid ass thoughts.

I am such a baby, I really am. I am finally coming to terms with that.

Everything I have to do requires me to push myself, and I have always been someone who just lays helpless in the snow and has a temper tantrum.

Now, I realize that all of that that I just wrote is very dramatic.

The very simple answer is, what are my priorities today? Well, I need to apply for some jobs. I need to figure out some way of labeling my bath bombs because my computer or I mean, my printer, is out of toner, but I can still wrap them And figure something out. I may have to hand write my labels.

I have all these supplies and I decided instead of making a bunch of different scents in the bath bombs. I’m going to stick with the bath bombs that are made and I’m going to make some body butters and some massage oils and some sugar scrubs. I have enough supplies to do all that. And if I make $100 or $500, that’s $500 more or $100 more than I had. It could pay the bills for this week and it could get us groceries. I do have some eggs and I do have some cheese and I have a couple sausage patties in the freezer so guess what? There’s my breakfast. There’s enough for me to make for my daughter too.

If that is all we eat, that’s OK. It’s food. There are people in the world who literally do not even have that. And for that, I mean, there’s where my gratitude is and I think while I’m eating, I need to, as corny as it sounds, put energy into that while I’m eating. Send out wishes for food for everyone, 

I spend a lot of time in my head going over the past and asking myself why I’m such a dumb shit. What a waste of time. Who cares why I was a dumb shit? The answer now is don’t be a dumb shit. Do the deal Denise, get her done. Stop worrying about things I have no control over. Like literally. I have no control over our political situation, I have no control over the economy, I have no control over other people. I have no control over the fact that there are unbelievably wealthy people in this world and that I’m not one of them.

Today I can make breakfast for my daughter and I. Today I can apply for jobs. Today I can wrap those damn bath bombs and I can make the other products I talked about above.

I’m just over all of this and I pray that there will come a day, when I can look back and say oh my God, Denise. You are not there anymore, you did it. You fucking got through all this and came out ahead.

I have to believe that that can happen.

And so on that note, I’m gonna go upstairs and make myself some breakfast.

I hope that all of you have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Thoughts at This Moment

Greetings,

I’m not even sure how to put into words, or what words to use right now.

There are none.

I’m gonna keep this sweet and to the point.

Rent got paid.

It was literally down to 45 minutes before it was due. And I had fully accepted it wouldn’t be paid. 45 minutes later, it was paid.

I got nothing. I mean it should go without saying that I’m grateful but that word, at least right now, doesn’t feel as significant as it should.

My head and what runs through it doesn’t matter. It can’t. I gotta push through.

Because my gratitude in the past hasn’t been enough. Gratitude is great but it won’t pay the bills and it does not bring on change in and of itself.

So I am grateful and I remain so and will so. 

None of my self-searching or questioning matters. I have to assume that there will be a time for that.

Just like faith, gratitude means nothing without backing it up with action.

Job search, willingness to work for cash if anyone offers, packing as if so this doesn’t fall on others if we don’t make things for January. Some kind of planning and figuring stuff out too in case we don’t make it.

Yeah…words like willingness, planning, making phone calls, applying for jobs, packing.

Pumpkin is sitting next to me, a huge, beautiful fur ball. She goes with my daughter if we lose this place. I was despondent. She will never know that her life was about to change nor will she know who it is that bought her another month of stability.

A friend I haven’t seen in forever brought me some boxes. He’s so handsome!!! Don’t worry, I know that ship has sailed but he is, lol. It was incredibly kind of him to do that for me. And he said he has more if needed. 

I’m going to make myself some dinner and begin this process.

Peace to all of you.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Focus

Hey Guys,

Ok, here I am. 

I am not going to allow myself to go down the rabbit hole of depression here. I'm not depressed. I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared and I'm unsure of what to do next.

So.

For today, I have to focus on what's currently in front of me. Packing, job search and cleaning. I have to get boxes, I need an oil change (it's been a year and a half), and I need laundry detergent.

Clearly, I am going through other things. Without going into too much detail, I will say this. I had a dream that I was getting jiggy with it, with someone from my teenage years but it was in a setting of someone I knew in adulthood.

I know why I had this dream. I've had a lot of weird men suddenly commenting on my YouTube channel. This is not what I'm trying to attract. It makes me feel uncomfortable and just reiterates why I stay away from men in general. It almost always comes to that and I'm not there. Menopause changed everything and in losing my mojo so to speak, I began to see how badly I let myself be treated and how I was drawn to overbearing, controlling, mean men. Men who belittled and who took no accountability for themselves but blamed me for everything...just gross.

No.

So the two people in this dream both represent bad choices, the one I decided to have s*x with and the one whose house it was.

I do want to go back, maybe, in therapy when I can and work through this stuff because most of the time, it's my past, I could care less, but sometimes, when it comes in a dream like this and I can't just push the thought away, it stays with me and leaves a coat of yuck on me.

This thing with weird comments on my channel is exacerbating that so sadly, I had to disable comments. I hope people react well to it.

If at some time, I feel like I can have them without them affecting my mental health, I'll turn them back on.

Alright, well, I feel kindof like an empty shell today, I feel like I don't know what to do first and I feel sad.

But...I'm OK. 

We have no choice but to get through it.

It's my attitude that will determine how...

Be Blessed my friends.

Love and Light,

Neecie

Bizarre Thoughts

Well Hello,

And how is everybody today?

I hope you are warm if you live here in Minnesota, I hope your car is running well and that good things are happening for you.

Myself, I am OK. I am in a state of… I don’t even know how to explain it. You know how there are stages of grief? I think I’m kind of in that. I did have some anger, but it wasn’t directed at anyone but myself.

And I know that that serves no purpose, no long-term purpose anyways. I am seeing so many things very clearly and it would be easy to beat myself up and to go down the rabbit hole of Denise is a piece of shit.

But this journey that I’m on, it no longer allows for that kind of thinking. Not for long anyway.

Because I’m old and because I’m tired and because I’ve learned so much and come so far. My inner spirit can’t handle that anymore and knows that realistically, I’m not a bad person.

Parts of me, I guess you could say they’ve been broken since I was a little tiny girl. I suppose some of them are caused by trauma and it’s OK to own that, but I’ve said this before, the people who caused this cannot magically wave a wand and fix it. As an adult, we are responsible for fixing our own trauma. And there is simply no one to blame for me being how I am, but me. Maybe blame is a bad word, maybe it just is what it is and what I’m trying to say is I’m the only one who can fix it.

I am running the gamut of emotions here and trying to find my way through that and I am isolating because I’m so afraid of lashing out at anyone. That is something I have done in the past and it’s unfair and was unnecessary. Anger and me used to go together so well. But now, anger that really doesn’t need to be anger and is really just me being mad at myself, like I said, man it serves no purpose.

And really, staying in anger, even if it’s about something where anger is justified, it’s an icky place to be.

No one owes me anything, not even the world, even though as far as I know in my human understanding, I didn’t ask to be born, and I didn’t ask to be born with all the Fuckery that is my mind. I just had the beginnings of a conversation with someone about that. Because I am back to watching those near death experience videos and they all talk about how where we go after our body dies, is a perfect place of love and that we are sent here to learn something and to experience all emotion. But if we come from a place of total love and we go back to that, what the fuck is the journey here for? What does Suffering whether it’s self imposed or not, do for us if we return to a perfect place of love anyways? I mean, are we going to just become love warriors up there, in heaven or whatever the hell it is, no pun intended. 

I don’t fucking know.

It all seems kind of bizarre to me, but I’m just a human.

Suffice to say, I think I need to stop watching those goddamn videos.

Anyways, the apartment blew up. It’s so fucking little that it doesn’t take much and so now I am back to cleaning and organizing. I am going to get some boxes and start packing.

No, I still have no plan for where we are going to go or where we will land. While it is hard for me to say, I trust the universe and it’s plan for me right now, I have decided to just trust the process.

The only action I am able to bring myself to take at this point, is to clean this fucking apartment, start packing it up and apply for jobs.

That’s all she wrote folks and that’s all I know right now.

I so appreciate the supportive comments, the supportive messages that I am receiving.

You see, there it is again… Love. I am loved.

And I am very grateful.

You have a great day.

Be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecir

Stay Tuned

Hi everyone,

Ah, the story continues to unfold.

Yesterday, when I took the bathbombs out of their molds, it turns out that none of the second batch worked out.

And it got me to thinking. Maybe it’s time to give up this whole dream of Willow’s Whimsy too. I lack motivation. 

Every person I see who writes about going from rags to riches, talks about doing the work...no matter what barred their way. I see barriers and I wilt. 

I need this and I need that and blah blah blah.

Lord have mercy.

I want to shift gears and talk about a pet peeve of mine. I am not the only one who has pet peeves. And I think my dramatic posting invites this behavior in others. I'm talking about unsolicited advice and FB does not yet have a turn off all comments option for personal posts, only public ones.

I dramatic post. Not about other people anymore but about my struggles, etc. I am feeling less and less good about doing that. I need to cease and desist.

But often times, it is just a vent...so I googled this and this is what AI said:

Bingo!!

I don't care, I posted this on FB. If you have a dramatic poster in your life who drives you nuts, unfollow them for a month if you don't want to completely delete them.

While it is something I hope to stop doing, I haven't quite gotten there but as it says above, I'm not looking for advice.

I have to let this go. I have a list of people I unfortunately hide my posts from for this very reason and I forgot to do so, so my bad.

For the love of all that is holy, if you do this, please stop. It's offensive. In the meanwhile, I will work on my dramatic posting.

There; some give. You got it, now quit. Enough said.

I am struggling with what to do and where to start today.

You give up a dream and what do you have?

I'm not sure but I'm about to find out.

I just figured something out. I'll give up on my dream until November of 2026. Who knows where things will be at in 11 months?

I just need time to dig deep.

I think in order to keep myself busy, I'll try and use up as much product as possible like I said. But it'll be more of an experimenting and learning process. I was never able to do that before.

I'm going to buy some boxes today to start packing the apartment too.

I can do this. I can get through this.

I have to believe that in losing everything I currently have, I will gain everything of something new. I just don't know what that is and I guess it will reveal itself as we go.

So...here goes me, jumping into the unknown. Will I swim or will I drown?

Stay tuned.

I hope you all have a great day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Bottom Comes with Decisions

Hello there,

Ah. Well. There is some relief in my heart at long last. I made a decision. We are not going to pay the rent this month. I do have some bath bombs made, and I do hope to sell them. And I will keep on making products until December 15.

Well, this apartment is expensive, as I’ve been looking, even in areas that aren’t as great and apartments that aren’t upgraded the way mine is, I would only be saving $100-$200 a month. No, I have no plan going forward and that will have to happen, but I’m giving myself the rest of this week. I will make my bath bombs and my products and I will sell them as I can.

But I simply cannot live under this stress anymore and either can my daughter. Each month has been the ups and downs of stress and I can feel the cortisol drops when the anxiety comes and I’m getting older. I simply cannot go through this anymore and so we are going to let the apartment go.

It is more important to me to pay off my debt. That may sound counterintuitive, but you have to understand that I have been someone who up until about five years ago, just lived in total denial. The denial has gone away in some aspects, but clearly not all and I have hit bottom, but I also can see this, today, as an opportunity for growth.

We have always been taken care of and I have no reason to think we won’t find a solution. It does screw my daughter over in terms of having an eviction on her record, and I guess me too if I ever wanna get another place, but it’s only for seven years And where I go, she goes and I will protect her and we will get through this together.

For the last week or so, I have been in a place where the only option I see is taking myself out of all of this. You know, the final curtain. I don’t want to say the words. But that is where my thinking has been, even to the point where I Bought a notebook so I could write letters to all the people I love so much. And while that is very dramatic, I’m saying it now because I don’t want this to be the final curtain. So something has to give.

I don’t know where we will go or what we will do, but what I do know is that this is an opportunity for me to climb up from the bottom in a way where I have a realistic view of things, where my eyes are wide open, and I can be grateful for what I do have instead of constantly comparing myself to others and falling short and getting “things” in order to feel like I measure up somehow.

All those things I want, it’s OK to want them. It’s not OK to get them when I can’t afford them. And let’s be honest, they only fill the void for a short while. And many times, those things become a burden or a different form of addiction, like skin care. Believe it or not, you can be addicted to skin care and I definitely am.

I’m tired of fighting each month, I’m tired of paying all these bills and watching the balance in my checking account go down and knowing oh my God, I’m not gonna be able to pay rent. I can’t do it anymore you guys.

I am a very wealthy person when it comes to friends and family and people who love me in spite of my absolute 100% craziness.

While the world has become increasingly difficult and more and more expensive and harder to navigate, this is where friendship and family means so much. I have a great family and sadly, the family that’s not so great, I let them go. I can’t live a life where I’m required to say certain things or do certain things in order to constantly have to prove my loyalty. Loyalty that is not returned. Love that is conditional. I’ve had a journey through all of that too, and many talks with my biological father who has crossed the veil. If he can hear me, he is well aware of his faults, and how he affected me. I’ve been able to let go of that and to let go of the idea of my brothers and my stepmother being family. I was always treated as less then by them.

I forgive them though. The biggest thing is that they have a journey and I’m gonna let them have that. I let go of them with love in my heart, I really do. Sometimes I feel sad about that and it’s OK to be sad. There has to be a willingness to meet in the middle and there has to be unconditional, love, and acceptance of who a person is And a willingness to let them do what they feel is the right thing to do. I surround myself with people now who are self-aware and who are accountable. I surround myself with people who aren’t afraid to share truth with me, but who do so lovingly. Honestly, love really is the answer to everything.

And I have so very much of it both in the giving and the receiving.

I told my daughter to spend some of her money today. It’s her birthday. We are not going to make the rent. There are a bunch of bills I haven’t paid, they are threatening to turn off my electric and some other things and I need to pay those things.

This got bad really fast. My spending is so different now but sadly, it is my past spending that got me to where I’m at.

All I can tell you is that I’m willing to change it. And letting this apartment go and finding peace with that and trusting the universe to care for us is a part of this. Just like the last time I used drugs, I remember thinking this really can be the last time I ever do this. And it was the last time.

While I do consider myself to be alcoholic, there has been a dramatic physical change with that. Because I did go out with one friend and have a beer and a half. I did take a sip of a margarita I made for my daughter. I got violently ill.I’m not the kind of alcoholic that will drink in spite of that. For me, it was distasteful and not something I wanna go through because I don’t deal with sick well at all.

I consider that a gift from the universe. It has always been harder for me to let go of alcohol, than the drugs. And the Drugs were always the most devastating part of my addiction. I’m not saying it’s OK for me to drink if I want to, I won’t drink because I don’t wanna get sick. It’s that simple.

But this is why you won’t see me post about me saying I’m in recovery. I don’t label myself anymore. I mean, I’m Denise. That’s it, like, that’s what is.

And so, thank God this particular bottom is not because of drugs or alcohol. Rather, it seems to be the next part of what I need to change and grow through.

Paying off my debt is my priority and is the most important thing and I will not fuck that up. I simply will not. And while I will not do anything extravagant, I will be able to get gifts at least for my family this year for Christmas. You know, just the kids. I have had a lifetime, except for the past couple years, of being the one who never gave anyone gifts and that caused so much shame and grief in me. One beautiful thing I have learned about myself is that I am incredibly giving. I think about people and I love them and I want to do nice things for them. What a gift to have learned that about myself.

So anyways, I just wanted to write this blog and let everybody know that we are OK and that this is where things are at. These decisions have been made. We will have to figure things out, but like I said, I am giving myself a couple days just to sit in this and to feel the relief and the gratitude that comes with it. And to dig deep, and find hope in it.

This too shall pass, as all things do. We have seasons of struggle, and we have seasons of bounty. Right now I feel that I have both.

And so I know, that we will go on, and we will journey through this, and we will trust that all will be well and all manner of things will be well.

So mote it be.

With love and gratitude to all of you for your support, your love, your words of encouragement and kindness, I love you all so much.

Blessed Be,

Neecie

Just Stupid

 

Hello.

I lied. Apparently, I am going to blog today. 

Yesterday...I got some stuff done but I'm on a roll this morning and we are just gonna keep this going. 

I got up at 5 this morning and have already been on a walk, meditated, etc. and am dressed for the day. I'm in sweats but hey, my back still hurts and at least I'm dressed.

Getting dressed is a signal for me. It's a subconscious signal that informs my body that, "Hey, we're in it today, we're gonna do this thing."

I've also been crying all morning but that's OK. I find that crying is much more effective when you sob through action.

Sob while you're walking, sob while you attempt to meditate, sob while you do the dishes, look for jobs, make bathbombs, whatever it takes.

And sob while you're blogging.

Just keep swimming.

I will have much to report tomorrow as far as the whole gettin'er done thing.

I have to stay busy or I'll give in to darker thoughts. Fuck those thoughts, it's all self-pity. The fear and frustration are real but the self-pity is just stupid.

I am moving and that has to count for something. Magic is backed up by action/energy and if I want a miracle, then best to act as if, instead of sitting still and if no miracles come, so be it.

I hope to journal each day about what got me to this place. I just have to be careful not to hate on myself. That's just like the self-pity, it's just stupid.

Alright, well, on with it. I question why I'm even bothering but faith without works is dead and so...fake it til you make it and act as if.

I got the nicest comment on my short from yesterday. I've been getting more comments and I'm grateful that people care. A lot of them are about Jesus but you know...like Dad said all those years ago, it all comes from the same source. So pray for me, that's fine. I'm grateful for it.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie