The Bottom Comes with Decisions

Hello there,

Ah. Well. There is some relief in my heart at long last. I made a decision. We are not going to pay the rent this month. I do have some bath bombs made, and I do hope to sell them. And I will keep on making products until December 15.

Well, this apartment is expensive, as I’ve been looking, even in areas that aren’t as great and apartments that aren’t upgraded the way mine is, I would only be saving $100-$200 a month. No, I have no plan going forward and that will have to happen, but I’m giving myself the rest of this week. I will make my bath bombs and my products and I will sell them as I can.

But I simply cannot live under this stress anymore and either can my daughter. Each month has been the ups and downs of stress and I can feel the cortisol drops when the anxiety comes and I’m getting older. I simply cannot go through this anymore and so we are going to let the apartment go.

It is more important to me to pay off my debt. That may sound counterintuitive, but you have to understand that I have been someone who up until about five years ago, just lived in total denial. The denial has gone away in some aspects, but clearly not all and I have hit bottom, but I also can see this, today, as an opportunity for growth.

We have always been taken care of and I have no reason to think we won’t find a solution. It does screw my daughter over in terms of having an eviction on her record, and I guess me too if I ever wanna get another place, but it’s only for seven years And where I go, she goes and I will protect her and we will get through this together.

For the last week or so, I have been in a place where the only option I see is taking myself out of all of this. You know, the final curtain. I don’t want to say the words. But that is where my thinking has been, even to the point where I Bought a notebook so I could write letters to all the people I love so much. And while that is very dramatic, I’m saying it now because I don’t want this to be the final curtain. So something has to give.

I don’t know where we will go or what we will do, but what I do know is that this is an opportunity for me to climb up from the bottom in a way where I have a realistic view of things, where my eyes are wide open, and I can be grateful for what I do have instead of constantly comparing myself to others and falling short and getting “things” in order to feel like I measure up somehow.

All those things I want, it’s OK to want them. It’s not OK to get them when I can’t afford them. And let’s be honest, they only fill the void for a short while. And many times, those things become a burden or a different form of addiction, like skin care. Believe it or not, you can be addicted to skin care and I definitely am.

I’m tired of fighting each month, I’m tired of paying all these bills and watching the balance in my checking account go down and knowing oh my God, I’m not gonna be able to pay rent. I can’t do it anymore you guys.

I am a very wealthy person when it comes to friends and family and people who love me in spite of my absolute 100% craziness.

While the world has become increasingly difficult and more and more expensive and harder to navigate, this is where friendship and family means so much. I have a great family and sadly, the family that’s not so great, I let them go. I can’t live a life where I’m required to say certain things or do certain things in order to constantly have to prove my loyalty. Loyalty that is not returned. Love that is conditional. I’ve had a journey through all of that too, and many talks with my biological father who has crossed the veil. If he can hear me, he is well aware of his faults, and how he affected me. I’ve been able to let go of that and to let go of the idea of my brothers and my stepmother being family. I was always treated as less then by them.

I forgive them though. The biggest thing is that they have a journey and I’m gonna let them have that. I let go of them with love in my heart, I really do. Sometimes I feel sad about that and it’s OK to be sad. There has to be a willingness to meet in the middle and there has to be unconditional, love, and acceptance of who a person is And a willingness to let them do what they feel is the right thing to do. I surround myself with people now who are self-aware and who are accountable. I surround myself with people who aren’t afraid to share truth with me, but who do so lovingly. Honestly, love really is the answer to everything.

And I have so very much of it both in the giving and the receiving.

I told my daughter to spend some of her money today. It’s her birthday. We are not going to make the rent. There are a bunch of bills I haven’t paid, they are threatening to turn off my electric and some other things and I need to pay those things.

This got bad really fast. My spending is so different now but sadly, it is my past spending that got me to where I’m at.

All I can tell you is that I’m willing to change it. And letting this apartment go and finding peace with that and trusting the universe to care for us is a part of this. Just like the last time I used drugs, I remember thinking this really can be the last time I ever do this. And it was the last time.

While I do consider myself to be alcoholic, there has been a dramatic physical change with that. Because I did go out with one friend and have a beer and a half. I did take a sip of a margarita I made for my daughter. I got violently ill.I’m not the kind of alcoholic that will drink in spite of that. For me, it was distasteful and not something I wanna go through because I don’t deal with sick well at all.

I consider that a gift from the universe. It has always been harder for me to let go of alcohol, than the drugs. And the Drugs were always the most devastating part of my addiction. I’m not saying it’s OK for me to drink if I want to, I won’t drink because I don’t wanna get sick. It’s that simple.

But this is why you won’t see me post about me saying I’m in recovery. I don’t label myself anymore. I mean, I’m Denise. That’s it, like, that’s what is.

And so, thank God this particular bottom is not because of drugs or alcohol. Rather, it seems to be the next part of what I need to change and grow through.

Paying off my debt is my priority and is the most important thing and I will not fuck that up. I simply will not. And while I will not do anything extravagant, I will be able to get gifts at least for my family this year for Christmas. You know, just the kids. I have had a lifetime, except for the past couple years, of being the one who never gave anyone gifts and that caused so much shame and grief in me. One beautiful thing I have learned about myself is that I am incredibly giving. I think about people and I love them and I want to do nice things for them. What a gift to have learned that about myself.

So anyways, I just wanted to write this blog and let everybody know that we are OK and that this is where things are at. These decisions have been made. We will have to figure things out, but like I said, I am giving myself a couple days just to sit in this and to feel the relief and the gratitude that comes with it. And to dig deep, and find hope in it.

This too shall pass, as all things do. We have seasons of struggle, and we have seasons of bounty. Right now I feel that I have both.

And so I know, that we will go on, and we will journey through this, and we will trust that all will be well and all manner of things will be well.

So mote it be.

With love and gratitude to all of you for your support, your love, your words of encouragement and kindness, I love you all so much.

Blessed Be,

Neecie

Just Stupid

 

Hello.

I lied. Apparently, I am going to blog today. 

Yesterday...I got some stuff done but I'm on a roll this morning and we are just gonna keep this going. 

I got up at 5 this morning and have already been on a walk, meditated, etc. and am dressed for the day. I'm in sweats but hey, my back still hurts and at least I'm dressed.

Getting dressed is a signal for me. It's a subconscious signal that informs my body that, "Hey, we're in it today, we're gonna do this thing."

I've also been crying all morning but that's OK. I find that crying is much more effective when you sob through action.

Sob while you're walking, sob while you attempt to meditate, sob while you do the dishes, look for jobs, make bathbombs, whatever it takes.

And sob while you're blogging.

Just keep swimming.

I will have much to report tomorrow as far as the whole gettin'er done thing.

I have to stay busy or I'll give in to darker thoughts. Fuck those thoughts, it's all self-pity. The fear and frustration are real but the self-pity is just stupid.

I am moving and that has to count for something. Magic is backed up by action/energy and if I want a miracle, then best to act as if, instead of sitting still and if no miracles come, so be it.

I hope to journal each day about what got me to this place. I just have to be careful not to hate on myself. That's just like the self-pity, it's just stupid.

Alright, well, on with it. I question why I'm even bothering but faith without works is dead and so...fake it til you make it and act as if.

I got the nicest comment on my short from yesterday. I've been getting more comments and I'm grateful that people care. A lot of them are about Jesus but you know...like Dad said all those years ago, it all comes from the same source. So pray for me, that's fine. I'm grateful for it.

I hope you all have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie