Good morning,
I hope this post finds all of you well. We’re in a deep freeze here in Minnesota. I’m fine with it.
There’s something about winter that just is so comforting to me. Being able to wear warm snuggly clothes and cuddle up on the couch, I just love that.
I had a very productive day yesterday, but of course it’s never enough for me because myself evaluation is always so critical.
My daughter wanted to have a birthday party and that’s something that is so weird to me because of course I celebrate my birthday, but I guess it’s a generational thing; like we always had a family gathering for birthdays but as an adult, it wasn’t a big thing each year. At any rate, she didn’t have the money to get a hotel room and she had thought about going bowling, but she didn’t think people would want to do that and so I said OK, like, you can do it here, but I want people gone by 1 AM. We are going to clean this apartment today and it needs to be clean when everybody leaves.
I want my daughter to have good things in her life and we are struggling and she was grateful and she did say thank you more than once even. I sometimes feel so frustrated by life because life just happens. Sometimes it happens in a way that changes my plans for the day and I have some really big fish to fry.
And you know, I am not one to use mental health as an excuse, I just, I can’t do it and I despise when I see others do it. But it does make things difficult for me and yes, today I woke up to a clean home, which was wonderful, my cats were all with me on the bed and I was able to cuddle them and love them up, but now I am caught in this whirlwind of thoughts; the rent got paid, but I have no food and I need kitty litter and I need this and I need that and bills have to still be paid and what the fuck am I gonna do And you know, the only thing productive as far as what’s going on right now is to try and sell some of my products and to look for a fucking job.
These are simple things, but in my mind, it’s like they’re huge and they’re cumbersome.
I ran out of smokes yesterday and I was able to make it through the rest of the day without one, but I woke up this morning and the panic just sat in.
I have got to put the cigarettes behind me. And the thing is, yeah, I bought a pack of cigarettes. You would think with the guilt and shame I am feeling over this that I went out and killed 50 innocent people for no reason, other than that I wanted to. No, I bought cigarettes. I’m not trying to justify buying cigarettes here, I have to quit for all the reasons. But my God, the self talk and the shame, it’s debilitating.
The answer here too is very simple; quit that. Just fucking quit that. Those stupid ass thoughts.
I am such a baby, I really am. I am finally coming to terms with that.
Everything I have to do requires me to push myself, and I have always been someone who just lays helpless in the snow and has a temper tantrum.
Now, I realize that all of that that I just wrote is very dramatic.
The very simple answer is, what are my priorities today? Well, I need to apply for some jobs. I need to figure out some way of labeling my bath bombs because my computer or I mean, my printer, is out of toner, but I can still wrap them And figure something out. I may have to hand write my labels.
I have all these supplies and I decided instead of making a bunch of different scents in the bath bombs. I’m going to stick with the bath bombs that are made and I’m going to make some body butters and some massage oils and some sugar scrubs. I have enough supplies to do all that. And if I make $100 or $500, that’s $500 more or $100 more than I had. It could pay the bills for this week and it could get us groceries. I do have some eggs and I do have some cheese and I have a couple sausage patties in the freezer so guess what? There’s my breakfast. There’s enough for me to make for my daughter too.
If that is all we eat, that’s OK. It’s food. There are people in the world who literally do not even have that. And for that, I mean, there’s where my gratitude is and I think while I’m eating, I need to, as corny as it sounds, put energy into that while I’m eating. Send out wishes for food for everyone,
I spend a lot of time in my head going over the past and asking myself why I’m such a dumb shit. What a waste of time. Who cares why I was a dumb shit? The answer now is don’t be a dumb shit. Do the deal Denise, get her done. Stop worrying about things I have no control over. Like literally. I have no control over our political situation, I have no control over the economy, I have no control over other people. I have no control over the fact that there are unbelievably wealthy people in this world and that I’m not one of them.
Today I can make breakfast for my daughter and I. Today I can apply for jobs. Today I can wrap those damn bath bombs and I can make the other products I talked about above.
I’m just over all of this and I pray that there will come a day, when I can look back and say oh my God, Denise. You are not there anymore, you did it. You fucking got through all this and came out ahead.
I have to believe that that can happen.
And so on that note, I’m gonna go upstairs and make myself some breakfast.
I hope that all of you have a wonderful day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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