And how is everybody today?
I hope you are warm if you live here in Minnesota, I hope your car is running well and that good things are happening for you.
Myself, I am OK. I am in a state of… I don’t even know how to explain it. You know how there are stages of grief? I think I’m kind of in that. I did have some anger, but it wasn’t directed at anyone but myself.
And I know that that serves no purpose, no long-term purpose anyways. I am seeing so many things very clearly and it would be easy to beat myself up and to go down the rabbit hole of Denise is a piece of shit.
But this journey that I’m on, it no longer allows for that kind of thinking. Not for long anyway.
Because I’m old and because I’m tired and because I’ve learned so much and come so far. My inner spirit can’t handle that anymore and knows that realistically, I’m not a bad person.
Parts of me, I guess you could say they’ve been broken since I was a little tiny girl. I suppose some of them are caused by trauma and it’s OK to own that, but I’ve said this before, the people who caused this cannot magically wave a wand and fix it. As an adult, we are responsible for fixing our own trauma. And there is simply no one to blame for me being how I am, but me. Maybe blame is a bad word, maybe it just is what it is and what I’m trying to say is I’m the only one who can fix it.
I am running the gamut of emotions here and trying to find my way through that and I am isolating because I’m so afraid of lashing out at anyone. That is something I have done in the past and it’s unfair and was unnecessary. Anger and me used to go together so well. But now, anger that really doesn’t need to be anger and is really just me being mad at myself, like I said, man it serves no purpose.
And really, staying in anger, even if it’s about something where anger is justified, it’s an icky place to be.
No one owes me anything, not even the world, even though as far as I know in my human understanding, I didn’t ask to be born, and I didn’t ask to be born with all the Fuckery that is my mind. I just had the beginnings of a conversation with someone about that. Because I am back to watching those near death experience videos and they all talk about how where we go after our body dies, is a perfect place of love and that we are sent here to learn something and to experience all emotion. But if we come from a place of total love and we go back to that, what the fuck is the journey here for? What does Suffering whether it’s self imposed or not, do for us if we return to a perfect place of love anyways? I mean, are we going to just become love warriors up there, in heaven or whatever the hell it is, no pun intended.
I don’t fucking know.
It all seems kind of bizarre to me, but I’m just a human.
Suffice to say, I think I need to stop watching those goddamn videos.
Anyways, the apartment blew up. It’s so fucking little that it doesn’t take much and so now I am back to cleaning and organizing. I am going to get some boxes and start packing.
No, I still have no plan for where we are going to go or where we will land. While it is hard for me to say, I trust the universe and it’s plan for me right now, I have decided to just trust the process.
The only action I am able to bring myself to take at this point, is to clean this fucking apartment, start packing it up and apply for jobs.
That’s all she wrote folks and that’s all I know right now.
I so appreciate the supportive comments, the supportive messages that I am receiving.
You see, there it is again… Love. I am loved.
And I am very grateful.
You have a great day.
Be blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecir
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