Ouches

Good morning!

Well, I went through a couple nights of difficulty sleeping, but last night was better.

I’m going to bed later than I would prefer to, but I just can’t seem to fall asleep. Last night, it was 11 PM which is not horrible. When I woke up, I noticed that there was a tiny bit of light coming through the window. So I slept through, which is fantastic. 

I’m finally facing the fact, and coming to terms with the fact, that I am just not doing well.

I don’t think I will ever forget the time that Paul and I took mom to the doctor, after she had gone into memory care and gotten pretty sick and weak and had lost a lot of weight. They had taken her off of a medication she was on and we never did figure out why or what the justification for that was. But I remember the doctor asking her if she was feeling OK and Mom‘s response was,” This life is hard”.

It broke my heart. I think my heart is broken by a lot of things.

I don’t know what to do about that. I’m really struggling.

I was finally able to stop watching those stupid near death experience videos. They made me so mad! Why on earth would anyone choose to come here? And experience the kinds of things that some experience?

According to those videos, we choose the life that we’re living. I have a hard time wrapping my head around that.

And so I think I need to stop trying to wrap my head around that. I think I need to wrap my head around being happy and aligning myself with what is and finding the beauty in it. Some days I succeed, and some, I fail, utterly.

I have got to get out of my apartment. I don’t have the money to go do anything fun but even walking around the mall, as long as I don’t bring my goddamn wallet with me. Because being stuck in this apartment is going to kill me. Literally. Too much time alone equals too much time in my head and we all know what I always say about that. It can be a very dangerous neighborhood up there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ok, so I ended up stopping this entry to take a bath, I needed to chill the fuck out. Some days I just wake up on 10. It's a mess.

So I did full on bougy. I soaked and got everything all softened up and I did a sugar scrub, I pumiced my feetsies. Then I used this glycolic acid body wash I use to help with my ouches.

Speaking of ouches. I still have two that haven't fully healed but because I had nails, they did heal as much as they could. They aren't open wounds at all, but they still get crusty.

The last time I got my nails filled was right before my layoff so it's been almost a month and a half and they were so long. I can't afford them right now, ya know? Well, I got them off this morning. I always love when I first take nails off, because my god, I can type again. Fast.

But I'm already wanting to be at those damn ouches.

I have to be very, very careful. I'm going to have to dig deep and try my hardest not to do this. The nails won't come back until two things happen; one is that I'm working and one is that the fucking cigs are gone for good.

Anyways, after all that, one of my daughter's friends called me. She's been going through it and from time to time she calls me and we talk through stuff.

I'm proud of her.

And it helps me to get out of myself. I repeat, it is not healthy, me being all locked up in my apartment like this, day after day.

Aaaaand I just felt something like my nose was running and it's bloody. 

Ah, the saga never ends. It's because of the dry air. I'll do the neti-pot and it should get better. 

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Ok, so that was Pumpkin. She came up for some love and left you all a message.

She says Happy New Year!!

Since yesterday was Mom's birthday, I am going to make the meal I loved the most, the one she made for us one day. It was so random but it became a family staple. Mac n cheese, blueberry muffins and sausages.

Crazy.

But we loved it.

I also didn't make the plum pudding on Christmas Eve so I'll make that today.

And...just go to bed and wake up to a New Year that will hopefully be much better than this one.

Lots of positive changes and growth, better health, lots of love.

May the Gods favor me. And may they favor you.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie