I Lied

Lol!! Boy, I can’t stick to anything.

My post yesterday was just out of despondency. As the day went on, I did manage to pull myself somewhat out of the lethargy that I’ve been in. I did apply for a job and it is what it is.

It’s not that I’m turning my back on Hope, but you cannot put all your eggs in one basket. I do that shit all the time and if I’m gonna grow and change through this in a way that leads me to living a life of freedom from credit and debt, I have to push through these things and I have to set different priorities and I have to stick to them.

Consistency really is everything.

So I’m going back to the purge and laziness and all the yucko stuffo and getting rid of all of it.

There are two things that I really need to purge. The goddamn cigarettes and coffee and I count them as one thing because they go together like yin and yang. But also staying the fuck off social media. I’m not talking about my YouTube channel and I’m not talking about this blog. I’m talking about the fact that I watch all these near death experience videos and I will watch one after the other after the other after the other. I critique them and think they’re full of shit or on the totally opposite side, I want to go there now. Jesus Christ, I am fucking bat shit crazy.

At least, it’s in a good way these days. I mean, not with the job stuff or the debt stuff, that all has to change, but the things I do to create avoidance in my life, which only makes things worse, let’s face it.

I am going to spend some time on my computer today, really giving energy to the things I can do to offset the extreme anxiety. I feel when I quit smoking. I am not going to get through it without some and I know that, but I look back and I haven’t been drunk and I haven’t done my drug of choice in over 2 1/2 years. How did that happen? I think part of it was the therapy I got, and the diagnosis that I got that led to the therapy. But I need more therapy and that requires a job with insurance. I do not want talk therapy, I want to go through with the DBT therapy again And also I’m thinking probably some EDMR. Is that what it’s called?

Talking about my trauma, I’ve done that my whole life. It triggers the hell out of me and it actually ends up keeping me sick. I just want it gone. One good thing I have been doing is watching this one YouTube channel by this psychiatrist and she breaks down all the different diagnosis' and how they can affect you and what can help. She literally goes into the responses your body has physically and emotionally, and it really helps me because it makes me realize that some of this is not craziness, it’s behaviors that maybe they came out of trauma or they came out of my addiction or whatever and they became habit and it's as simple as developing skills to cope with them.

Because honestly, there are some things I don’t think I will ever get over. There’s a deep hurt in me. I posted a picture of me on Santa‘s lap on Facebook and if you look at my eyes in the picture, I look so sad and I’m just this tiny little girl who was carrying all these feelings. How I wish I could go back and hold her tight and love her and tell her that everything would be OK.

Anyways, my priorities today are self-care in the form of staying off of social media, coming up with some coping skills for the anxiety around quitting smoking, and job search.

Anything else I manage to do, will be positive and good and serve the higher purpose, meaning getting me well.

I am very grateful for friends and family who are holding me up with love right now.

All right, you all have yourselves a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie