Focus

Hey Guys,

Ok, here I am. 

I am not going to allow myself to go down the rabbit hole of depression here. I'm not depressed. I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared and I'm unsure of what to do next.

So.

For today, I have to focus on what's currently in front of me. Packing, job search and cleaning. I have to get boxes, I need an oil change (it's been a year and a half), and I need laundry detergent.

Clearly, I am going through other things. Without going into too much detail, I will say this. I had a dream that I was getting jiggy with it, with someone from my teenage years but it was in a setting of someone I knew in adulthood.

I know why I had this dream. I've had a lot of weird men suddenly commenting on my YouTube channel. This is not what I'm trying to attract. It makes me feel uncomfortable and just reiterates why I stay away from men in general. It almost always comes to that and I'm not there. Menopause changed everything and in losing my mojo so to speak, I began to see how badly I let myself be treated and how I was drawn to overbearing, controlling, mean men. Men who belittled and who took no accountability for themselves but blamed me for everything...just gross.

No.

So the two people in this dream both represent bad choices, the one I decided to have s*x with and the one whose house it was.

I do want to go back, maybe, in therapy when I can and work through this stuff because most of the time, it's my past, I could care less, but sometimes, when it comes in a dream like this and I can't just push the thought away, it stays with me and leaves a coat of yuck on me.

This thing with weird comments on my channel is exacerbating that so sadly, I had to disable comments. I hope people react well to it.

If at some time, I feel like I can have them without them affecting my mental health, I'll turn them back on.

Alright, well, I feel kindof like an empty shell today, I feel like I don't know what to do first and I feel sad.

But...I'm OK. 

We have no choice but to get through it.

It's my attitude that will determine how...

Be Blessed my friends.

Love and Light,

Neecie