On The Other Side of Things

 Hi Everyone!

Good morning. This might have lots of spelling errors because much of it will be voice activated. I didn’t have time to blog this morning. I went to bed so late. I was depressed yesterday. It was hard. I really didn’t do too much.

And I stayed up ridiculously late. My daughter pays for Netflix and yesterday was the last day I’d be able to watch all the movies in the Twilight series. I have no idea why I went down that rabbit hole.

So I am going on 3.5 hours of sleep and I have no one to blame but myself.

I got up ok and I showered, now that was much needed. 

I’m at work now and my boss is bitching about all she does and her family, etc. Sometimes she says things and they seem to be passive aggressive towards me but I’m ignoring it.

I hope I have enough work today to just get through this day. Contrary to what one might think, I am not going right to bed this evening.

I have to make a list. It’s all menial stuff. Nothing too crazy.

And I plan to be in bed, lights off by 9. I didn’t take a Hydroxyzine last night and I think that’s why I feel ok this morning. 

I can’t take another day like the one I had yesterday. That stuff is the devil and is for Friday nights only. Just for catch up on my sleep.

I am feeling a touch of anxiety this morning. I’m trying to push through it.

I just want to be on the other side of this day. But going from point A to point Z without doing B-Y is a habit of mine that I’m putting behind me so I will stay engaged as much as possible.

My sister is back from her travels. I haven’t seen her in a month!

So there are good things in today and the opportunities are boundless!!!

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Funky Do

 

Good Morning,

Oh man, so while I did get enough sleep, I got scared about not sleeping and I took a hydroxyzine. If you watched my video yesterday, you know that I made the connection between depression and this drug. I told myself that two nights in a row would be fine but it's not. 

This morning is bad. It doesn't help that I woke up from a dream that was so awful. And I am tearful and just...having a very hard go of it.

I'm gonna do all my "stuff" this morning but I won't get to go rollerskating. It's OK.

Life is rarely perfect and self-care is the most important thing. Rollerskating is a part of my self-care but the pinch to get ready and out the door? That's too much today and I know it.

So. On that note, I am going to do everything else. Go for a walk, meditate, do the Wim Hof breathing stuff and go from there.

I actually got the apartment done last night. I pushed. I really pushed. I just wanted it done. Got my long form videos for the week shot. I missed bougie bath so I'll be doing that today after my daughter goes to work. 

We had a knock down storm last night. 

Tornado watch and all the good stuff and you could literally see the water blowing across the parking lot and the field beyond.

We were laughing because Pumpkin was just sitting at my window, completely unafraid, watching it all. 

Our other two cats aren't scared...but they aren't interested either. 

Not at all.

I didn't see any damage this morning; no downed trees, etc.

We still have power.

So, it's all good.

I posted this video yesterday, well last night to be exact. I am going to post the next one this afternoon and then I'll wait until Wednesday or so to post the last one for this week.

It felt good to get those taped. But you know, beware the hair, it's a funky one for sure. Funky Do.

Alright, so my plan is to push through today, to find gratitude in it and to get something, anything, done.

And we will just go from there.

Everyday, in Every way, my Life Gets Better and Better.

Help me see this today, dear Universe.

I hope you all have a fantastic day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Funky Dreams

 

Good Morning!

Okie, well as planned, I took the hydroxyzine last night. Yes, it helped.

But it's definitely what causes the depression. I was ready for it though. And I'm grateful for a night of good, balanced sleep. So...going forward, Friday nights it is. Just to play a bit of catch up.

I had one funky dream too. I don't remember much of it.

But of course, I looked it up.

It fits into the whole "becoming" theme.

It showed me where I need to be focusing too. Not as far as all the "stuff" I want to be doing but some internal stuff...some growth that needs to happen.

I feel like the last month has been nothing but growth. It seems like there's been so much of that...period. You open yourself up to it and it comes...it comes.

And the one thing I can tell you with great certainty is that you don't get to pick how it comes, you don't get to control your lessons, they decide themselves what they will look like and when they will come.

Ok, well, I stayed busy last night, both my daughter and I and even though I didn't get all I wanted to get done, done, it was good and I was in bed and asleep pretty much when I planned to be and not a lot of wakefulness.

Thank you, thank you for that.

I'm not writing out my plans for the day anymore. It's just plans. It's things I hope to accomplish.

There is always, always, something to do.

So I guess with that...onwards.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

We are supposed to have some snippets of sunshine today. Grab that stuff, friends. Grab it and enjoy it.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Just So Darn Nice!!

Hello, Hello,

I am so happy. When I got home from work last night, I checked my YouTube Channel and I had 3 new subscribers.

This is nuts but in the best way possible and here again, I'm humble AF about it. I know some people get hundreds a day sometimes but for me, this has simply never happened. 18 newbies in one month.

It's just...it's so nice. And it's thoughtful and kind and yeah...humbled for sure.

Anyways, sleep evaded me last night but what's weird is that what I did get was largely REM and Deep so while I'm tired, I'm OK.

I don't want to sleep in tomorrow morning, I have a LOT to do tomorrow so I just want to get a good night's sleep. I've gone two or three nights without the hydroxyzine so I may take one tonight just to ensure it all gets taken care of...sleepwise.

Rent is due technically in 8 days but they give us a grace period so...8 days.

I got this.

I'm going to use my PTO for Wednesday, because of the car, and I'm going to work on Thursday. My boss said I can come in as early as I want to. She's usually there by 6, so that's what I'm gonna go for and I'll work until noon and this way, I'll only come out short about 2 hours through this whole debacle. 

I am focusing on gratitude for that as opposed to lamenting the fact that I wanted a 4 day weekend. It simply is what it is.

And because money is so tight right now, well, this just makes sense.

I did manage to find out that the insurance they carry for us has a $5K deductible and I still have no idea how much it actually costs per month.

I need to get in...soon.

I need to win the lottery, lol...soon.

Anyways, I'm good today. I've had some tough lessons the past few weeks but I think I'm learning and that's the deal right? Learn this shit.

So I posted two shorts yesterday. One of them got 9 views and one of them got over 700. You just never know.

Here they are:

I look like such a dorkus.

But it's fun and people are nice like I said.

I really like doing the affirmations and I've got weeks of them left so that's good but I'll have to come up with something to do afterwards.

I want to do something that might help others but will help me too. Keep learning.

I better get going. TGIF.

I hope you guys have a great day!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Ghengis

 

Good Morning,

I woke up at 2:20 or so and was up so I got up for about 15 minutes and then I laid back down and just kept deep breathing and focusing on my breath and thank God, I went back to sleep.

You know what? Day 2 with only my pink drink. No hydroxyzine and no edibles and I'm feeling better already. 

Maybe not as much sleep but mentally, better. Not groggy, not overly tired, not sad and depressed.

So I guess the hydroxyzine is out unless I go for two nights in a row with bad sleep, then I'll take it, just to get caught back up.

You guys, allow me not a moment of arrogance or the wrong kind of pride but a moment of patting myself on the back.

I got through the car thing on my own. At my age, you may be thinking well duh! But this is not me, not the me I used to be anyways.

Now, I had to dig into rent to do it but we'll figure that out too.

I know we will. In fact, let me write this quick then I gotta go cuz my car is fixed and I can get my ass to work today!!!! 

I have had a dream for a long, long time. You all know that dream.

Maybe this is where I start and it looks nothing like I want it to but maybe I make a fuck ton of bath bombs and whatever products I am able to otherwise and maybe that's where this starts. Because I'm open and that shit just came to me.

I had a dream that I was walking and there was this map and it was marking in red the route I took as I took it and red is the color of vitality and love and passion.

Maybe the route I've been trying to take all these years wasn't marked in red, maybe this is me being up to being led, open to whatever this can look like instead of having my OCD/ritualistic it has to be this way or no way.

I'm crying now because I think I'm right.

Anyways, I'm gonna go for it this weekend. 

I hope you guys have an amazing day. We all deserve that so much.

I had something really happy to me last night but I think I'll hold that one in my heart.

Alright, well, I'm out of here. Today is my day to go forth and conquer.

I've been watching a documentary on Genghis Kahn, I find Asian history so amazing but it also sortof inspires me.

Man is both shitty and wonderful, beautiful and horrifically ugly all at once.

Have a beautiful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

It Really Is This Simple

 

Hello and Good Afternoon,

Ah yes. Afternoon. I did not go into work today. But it was out of my hands and my boss actually texted me back this morning after I told her I was trying to get there and told me that I am all caught up, that all is well and that she had to leave early today and her mom wasn't coming in. 

I haven't been given keys so I would've had to leave early anyways and I had no way of getting home.

My car went out on me yesterday. Luckily, it happened at work so I wasn't stranded on the side of the road.

While all this was playing out, someone from work had a medical crisis and there were some tears, not on my part, but I could relate to those tears because of my mom and it triggered me but only for seconds. 

At that point, I had decided a meltdown was in order but only the tiniest of meltdowns, a moment or two of self-pity sounded good to me but my chest tightened up on me, no pain and I realized that anxiety and panic would not serve me.

I started breathing in deep and I told myself the following: The Universe is not out to get me, the Universe loves me. This is not bad karma. This my friends, is life on life's terms and we want to label it but it really is just that; life on life's terms.

Life's terms are all the things. Yes, this throws me right back into financial crisis as my footing there was precarious at best and while I seemed to be winning, I was nowhere near that yet.

But life's terms are rather amazing at times too because out of all of this came a ride home with my son and that...made all of this...so worth it.

We had a very good talk and I listened and I took in who my son is now. 

I am so proud.

His journey is one worth taking note of.

These are the journey's I respect so much. These are the journey's that inspire me and give me the courage to forge ahead and onwards.

And what of the financial consequences of this life on life's terms experience? Well, I don't fully know at this point but what I do know is that...we, I and thus we, will be OK. We have been all along and who am I to say that that will stop? I don't think it will, I think we'll be OK.

I just don't know how yet, but I see it and I know it and that's what matters. Stay open dear girl. Believe.

Hopefully, the car will be done today so I can go in tomorrow. I think I have enough between checking and my credit card to pay this. I'll just need a ride to pick my car up. We shall deal with the rent piece when it comes.

All is well and all manner of things is well.

Honestly, it really is that simple.

I'm relaxing today, it's raining but it's a gentle rain and I am going to take a bath in the dark with candles and listen to music that feeds my soul and if that's all I do today, that's all good.

My daily short, both yesterday's and today's:

Be Blessed Loves.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Positivity and Opportunity

 

Good Morning,

Oh you guys, I am deflated as an MF.

It goes beyond tired. I continue to vacillate. Take the prescribed meds or not. 

At what point do you throw in the towel? 

Having been off the hydroxyzine for about a month or more and then starting up again, I realize that they are what make my mornings hard because I was getting through OK.

And now...man. I've been on them for a little over a week and at first, sleep and it was great. Now, for the most part, sleep but waking up like a zombie woman and on the verge of tears.

So I think at this point, I can say with impunity that these are the enemy when it comes to morning blues.

Without them, less sleep, but a rather calm sense of life and contentedness and with them...more sleep but definite grogginess and depression.

Seems like an easy choice but in all honesty, I will probably take them again until they're gone and then just be done for good.

At some point, you throw in the towel and you say, this is something I have to accept and learn to deal with. 

And I know, having had some nice days, that the depression isn't all me, there are things that add to it and I do think this particular drug is one of them.

It's also hard to train myself and stay consistent with the bedtime ritual.

I have to.

I mean, if I want a shot at getting better sleep without all this bullshit, I have to stay consistent.

I had a good day at work yesterday, I am worried about today because I have that exhausted tired going through me, the kind that clings to you on the inside too. And I'm usually worthless when I'm like that so today will require some effort.

But.

I can do it.

And tonight, permission to just take a shower, clean up a bit and then relax until bedtime.

I have to learn that it's OK to shut down the show when I need to.

This week's affirmation is, "I attract positivity and opportunities effortlessly."

We are not to the effortlessly part yet. 

But I can get there and I will.

The positives this morning are that I have time to get ready and be to work on time. I have my bills paid and things are running smoothly.

Opportunities may not look like I want them to today but today is an opportunity to prove myself that I can. The opposite doesn't exist for me.

So that's what I've got.

Here's yesterday's short:

I hope you all have a great day. Be positive and you will attract the same. Look at everything as an opportunity and accept it as such. It's easier to align yourself with the flow as opposed to going against it.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Bad Dreams That Mean Good Things

 

Good Morning,

I am blogging before my morning walk. I woke up deeply disturbed and I did manage to meditate and to do my breath work but now I'm just crying.

I had a bad dream and the dream...like if I wrote it down, it wouldn't seem like something that would disturb me, yet it does.

Basically, I was really little and I had climbed on to a rooftop somehow and that's something I would've done. I was a little thrill seeker.

But no one could find me and I could hear people yelling for me but I was too scared to answer, the roof was a steep terra cotta kindof roof and it was an apartment building but like 10 stories high and I was afraid to move.

Somehow, some woman figured out where I was and her husband came up and he put me in the chimney so I got out that way. Then my dad was holding me but I didn't really see him. My eyes were golden in the dream, like in Twilight, the good Vampires.

But I wasn't a vampire.

And all the while, that horrid song "Gloria" was playing, like a maniacal soundtrack in my head.

I know that doesn't sound like anything at all but for some reason, the experience of it was bad. So I've been crying because I just feel so disturbed.

I had to step away. Wow. I am really struggling this morning.

But I did a dream analysis and it's all amazing and good.

I still feel just out of sorts though.

I want to call in but the truth of the matter is that I will have these days from time to time and now is not the time to be calling in.

I also had a fantastic weekend and you know, I struggle after really good days. I crash so there may be some of that going on for whatever reason as well.

I think if I just push through, I'll feel better and better.

I haven't gone on a walk and I'm almost out of time to do so, so I better get moving.

I did manage to shoot one video yesterday.

It's long, almost 22 minutes but I sortof talk about what last week was like for me and how I was able to push through it.

Yeah, I need to go in.

I'm gonna go walk now.

I hope you all have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Cold Leftovers

 

Happy Sunday!!

I'm still a little tired even though I've been up for an hour. I got almost 8 hours of sleep with excellent REM and Deep sleep.

I have found that if I drink my sleep drink an hour before I go to sleep, it just hits different...better.

I did wake up a couple times, I'm having stabbing pain in my ears. I know, I know, it's always something.

I really didn't go out yesterday to do anything but I just kept it steady, kept myself busy but not maniacally so.

I got the front of the apartment clean; meaning dining room, kitchen, living room. My daughter helped with some of it too.

I did a shit ton of laundry. I honestly don't know how I end up with so much at the end of the week. I broke it down into small loads even though it means more water. That's wasteful and I know it but I when I take a huge load out and I have to fold it, it's overwhelming so I labeled it self-care and did small loads, lol. There's no choosing what size load you want so we're stuck with this.

But after the load I just put in this morning, it'll all be done except for my sheets, which I'll do later. My daughter couldn't get back to sleep this morning so we made a coffee run and now she's chilling on the couch.

We're going to go up to our apartment gym and walk on the treadmill this morning and then I'm going rollerskating and then out to North Minneapolis to meet a friend for breakfast. We haven't caught up in forever and I just love her so much.

And then it'll be clean my room, my closet and the bathroom, shoot some videos, etc. We have no food in the fridge and I know I have to get some, it's just daunting; meal planning, fucking cooking and you all know I actually love to cook but man...maybe I'll just buy a bunch of pre-made vegan meals for the week and then all I have to do is heat them  up in the morning and pack them and bring them in to work. I have to do that because my boss seems to get annoyed when I want to heat my lunch up. She has to turn stuff off or the circuit blows. So I just heat stuff in the morning and then I eat it cold, I may sound like I'm playing the part of martyr here but I'm not. I'm the weirdo who almost always eats leftovers cold. Warmed leftovers, especially in the microwave, freak my out. I have no idea why but they do.

And finally, my sisters got back from Mexico safely. They are both in Jersey, one lives there and the other is traveling. It just feels better when you know everything has gone smoothly and all are well. 

I am sad I couldn't be with them this time but we'll do something together soon. We shall make it happen, make it so.

I have had a good weekend so far. Peaceful. Easy. 

Yay!

I hope you have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

You See, She Mattered

Good Morning :)

Wowsa, it's hot out there. Right now, it's not blistering hot but it's warm and humid. We have both ACs blaring.

So, first, the job. I have never been so grateful to still have a job that I don't like.

I made a total effort this week and the Universe showed me that hey...I do have what it takes. I'm not gonna write a huge paragraph tooting my own horn.

I'm just grateful that I had this opportunity to prove to myself that I can, as opposed to I can't.

So we go on...I hope to look this weekend and see what else is out there.

I have a call with a friend in a half hour. I need to meditate and all that...

Just want to tell you a story. A story that finally has come to a conclusion; one that I have hoped for but didn't know if I'd ever get.

I had a friend in junior high. We met and started hanging out and I'm feeling a bit fragile so I'm not going to delve deep into the story but I witnessed abuse and I had never seen anything like that before and right in front of me as if it were completely normal.

Nanette, it was not normal, it was not OK. I'm sorry I was too scared to defend you, I was 14. 

Man, she lived one helluva life and not good, not good at all.

I ran into her probably in early 2014. It was a drug thing, ya know? But whereas I got to go home and pick up my life...she went back to the streets. I saw her one or two times after that and we never did get the chance to talk.

Then she was murdered on Franklin Ave in South Minneapolis in August of 2014.

Murdered at 2:20AM or so. 

Fast forward to now...I had a dream of the people I used to use with and they are gone now too, but it made me think of Nanette and I looked up her name and there it was.

They found the guy. See, they kept looking. She mattered.

He's been charged with  murder. He's in jail in New York right now. I don't know if they'll extradite him but if they do, I'll be there in court, representing for the beautiful girl I laughed and cried with when I was 13/14 years old.

You see, she mattered. She mattered to me. And in spite of her life, there were a lot of people on the street who mourned her because when she had money, she gave it away, she bought food for people, etc.

Not all addicts are only their addiction; there are layers and layers of things like childhood trauma, mental health disorders, you name it.

She's at peace now.

And I will always hold in her in my heart where she's safe.

I am crying at my computer but I'm happy for her. Happy and sad at the same time.

Alright, well on with my day.

I hope you all have a great one.

Yesterday's short:

Love & Light,

Thank you!!

Neecie

It's OK to Feel Good

 

Good Morning!!

So.

In spite of me not mentioning this, I actually did have a good week. Yeah, sleep was an issue some of the days that's the norm, right? Yeah, my boss pissed me off a few times but that's the norm right? 

What was different about this week?

I actually applied myself. And I've been tracking everything I do...like I get in at 8:00 and I write down 8:00: Got the leads going, set up appointments, made packets, 9:30: Made calls, responded to emails and texts, 10:15: Entered quotes, etc.

And I announced yesterday that I hoped both my boss and the owner saw the change.

So I guess we'll see.

Because I was so on top of things, I will be caught up with everything within my first two hours, leaving time for my boss to show me something new.

And we shall see.

Because they gave me one week to turn this shit around, and I did it in 4 days.

And if they do fire me today, then I know I tried. Like, 100% tried and if that's not good enough for them, then I shouldn't be there anyways.

Turns out I am a strong girl.

A couple things kept me from walking out of this one:

• The previous 5.5 months and what I went through
• My sister helped me with some things and I will NOT shit all over that
• Others helped me with some things during that period and I'm not gonna shit all over that either
• I guess...I guess I just care now and while my plan is to eventually leave this job, I genuinely want to know I tried, I want to be able to walk away with no anger, blame, resentment, shame or guilt.

Anger, resentment, shame and guilt are things I don't do anymore.

Yeah, I get mad about stuff but I am able, through practicing meditation - I truly believe this has made all the difference for me - to see things realistically.

Sadly, seeing things realistically has also shown me other things too. When you become quiet, when you really pay attention and listen and you realize that some things are incredibly hurtful and toxic...you don't have to engage in that and if it continues, I mean...sometimes you have to say enough and I'm done and gently remove people, places and things from your life.

Peace.

Inner peace.

Personal peace.

When you do things genuinely and you remove your own toxicity from a situation, it's amazing how the Universe provides. That 5.5 months I wasn't working? Fucking miracles happened. And I didn't ask for a single one of them, they just came.

And my YouTube channel? I've gained 13 subscribers in under a month...I'm getting likes and comments and that's by just being genuine and sharing. No one is more surprised than I am.

In the scheme of things these are small measures but they mean everything to me.

And so...on with my day.

We will see what today brings.

I am going to be blunt at work, I was yesterday, I totally tooted my own horn and I let them know I felt good about my work and my efforts this week so we'll see what they say today, or if they say anything at all.

If they don't say anything, I've already decided that I'm going to ask if they want me to come back next week.

If they do, then I'll let this go and let me work speak for me.

I flexed mind muscles I didn't even know I had this week. I think it's OK to feel good about that.

So I mean, there it is.

I got this.

I'll let you all know what happens when I write tomorrow. I have a phone date with a friend at 8:30AM and I hope to get up and knock shit out before that call happens but we shall see what this day brings and this night in terms of sleep.

I hope you all have a good day.

Yesterday's short:

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Present for This Journey

 

Hello Er'body,

Well I deflated last night but it wasn't depression shit, just literally exhaustion. I seem to now live Monday through Friday, focused only on the weekend.

I have been managing to do much better at work but man...my boss. She's something else.

It is what it is.

The pain I wrote about yesterday is gone, twinges on the other side but nothing like what I experienced yesterday.

I'm trying to suck down 8 glasses of water as that seemed to help the situation.

Today, I am going and going and going and y'all know what I'm referring to so maybe I actually was backed up a bit.

I'm gonna fast today just to try and get everything out of me.

Cuz y'girl ain't been feeling so hot.

And last night? Well, I was in bed at 7:30 so I got in 7.5 hours of sleep but I had at least one weird ass dream.

Me no like. It wasn't even a bad dream but I didn't like who was in it.

One of my past lovahs was in it.

He was a one time gig and once was enough for a lifetime, let me tell you.

Why he turned up last night...I actually was thinking about him yesterday. He just came into my head and I shook my head to get him out.

Even Pumpkin doesn't like me thinking about him, she's rubbing up against my leg like...go away.

Now she is chewing on a plastic bag. I guess her father did that too, it's so bizarre the things cats are into, my Grey likes to rip paper up with her teeth...usually in the middle of the night and the sound...terrifying. It wakes me right up and before I am able to fully realize, "oh, it's Grey", there is this fear. Like...whaaaattt is going on right now?

Anyways, I digress.

I am doing my best to get everything done at work and I've been keeping track of everything I do and taking pics of it so if it comes to applying for unemployment, and they fight it, I'll have proof that I tried.

I'm assuming they'll tell me tomorrow if we're going forward.

I'm going to also write down the dates of, and content of, the conversations I had with both my boss and her mom, the owner, so that I have my ass covered there too.

I've never done this before, I've never stuck it out, trying to make it better, trying to make myself better. I would've quit by now but I am standing by my wanting to change things up for the better. In a sense, this is me taking accountability for my past.

And at the end of the day, there is something to be said for being grateful for all of our experiences and I'm not angry anymore, I don't get angry anymore...except for the whole road rage thing and that's much better as well. My personal peace is to important to me to get too worked about really anything. Save it for when I actually need it, ya know?

And I mean, if I were to be all angry and defiant, the thing is, this is 90% me, what I'm going through. The other 10% is them, mainly my boss, and I have no control over here.

I was able to say some things to her mother, and her mother heard me and validated me and just in case they were ever to come across this blog, I'll keep those things to myself.

Yeah no sense in writing it out, that 10%. No sense in it. I can't control it, so it's learn to deal with it in a healthy way and not let it build inside me. Anger kept inside is a gajillion times more deadly and it's toxic...to ourselves.

Maybe it's good I'm feel tired a lot, I'm too fucking tired to get pissed about shit.

I'm on this journey and I'm committed to it and being present and letting myself experience it, is what will bring on the change.

I did another short on my YouTube yesterday and it shot up to over 500 views almost immediately. So I'm not going to post my videos until mid-morning now.

You know the deal, thank you so much!!

I'm very, very grateful.

I think because of what I'm dealing with and trying to process the shame it brings, you know - this job shit, having something I do...reach people, and have the positive response I'm currently experiencing, it's a boost, and I need that right now.

You guys, have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Puppy Love

 

Good Morning,

Oh you guys, I am having this pain. Ugh.

It's in my lower left abdomen and it's shooting through to my back in the same area.

I looked it up. The least scary thing is gas and constipation. But...I have been going all morning per the norm and soooo...

I guess I'll tell you about my day yesterday. I've been doing good, going for walks and all that good stuff in the morning but not this morning.

I've been getting in my meditation, etc.

And I've been trying to knock it out at work. I think I'm doing much better. I've been tracking my time spent on each task I do at work and I take pictures of it too.

Just in case I don't...in case they fire me this week as that's pretty much what I was given to turn things around; this week.

So I guess I'll hear on Friday.

We've had a puppy at work as my boss's niece has been puppy sitting. He's so cute you guys. There's just something about animals.

Grey, when I wake up, senses it and will hop over (she's missing a front leg so she hops) and will plop down on me and give me kisses and purrs and then Pumpkin jumps up, already purring and we do our head bump greeting and have some pets.

Unconditional love.

It's the best!

I had plans for last night but my daughter asked if we could go to Target and we went in as opposed to ordering for pick up, so that took so time and no longer did I get home and started to pump myself up for what I wanted to do, then my friend Tracy called. I don't usually take calls during the week but I did. I wanted to talk to someone about what I'm going through; the job, the looking back stuff and the reflection I've been doing and just how much grace and love I'm giving myself right now.

Because I never did. I just treated myself so badly.

And now I'm trying not to.

Oh man...this pain, it's starting to freak me out. I'll go in somewhere tonight if it doesn't let up.

Anyways, my friend has been sick and she's functioning, working, all that and she was telling me about the trip her and her hubby are taking this weekend.

It made me happy to hear the happiness in her voice as she told me all about what they're gonna do and some projects she prepared for the kids she'll be with; these are family friends they are taking the trip with, they do this once a year.

But she also listened to me, really listened.

It means a lot to me to be heard.

Alright, I better move it along here.

Here's the video I posted yesterday.

and the short.

I got two more subscribers.

These shorts are making all the difference. Who knew?

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

This is probably the thing that really lifts me up.

Thanks so much, all of you.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

I Told Myself...

 

Good Morning!

You guys, the sun is shining. We had sunshine yesterday too. Then we had storms. I had to move my car into the huge garage we have at work and then the power went out and we were worried we wouldn't be able to get our cars out, but alas, the power came back on. I left almost a half hour early, my boss told me I should because there was a lull in the weather and it was supposed to get bad again.

I have no idea how, maybe it was that burst of sunshine but I'll be damned if I didn't exercise and do the dishes.

I had more on my list, I did give myself a facial but other than that...pffffttt. 

Still it was more than usual and for that, I am grateful.

So the co-owner of the company talked to me yesterday, she's my boss's mom. She was much nicer than my boss about it. She wasn't confrontative and she didn't do it in front of someone else the way my boss did.

It comes down to two things; how long I take to get things done and accuracy.

This is nothing new folks.

The only difference this time around is that I am willing to try and see what happens and not give up. I would've walked last week if I were the same person.

And I'm allowing myself some reflection but also trying not to use said reflection to flagellate myself.

I'm tired of being my own whipping girl. I'm the whipped and the whipper.

I just, that serves no purpose.

Right now, you guys, my YouTube channel is making me so happy. From my numbers and views going up to the beautiful, supportive comments I get and some would look and say, "that's not much" but it's everything to me, each like, each subscriber, each lovely comment...I hold that shit in my heart and it feeds me.

All those videos I watched about near death experiences, it's changed me. It's just really all about love and it's got to start with me loving myself.

You know, loving myself to stay the course on this job so that if they fire me, they fire me with me knowing I tried, that I gave it my all and tried to keep that from happening.

I'm not dumb. I'm not.

This is something I have struggled with since adolescence and I'm only now seeing this and the patterns and how I somehow became someone who gave up and who bolted when things got difficult or challenging because it was easier to do that than to face the humiliation of getting "talked to" or being confronted on the things I struggle with.

I gave up. Yeah, it was self-sabotage but I'm seeing the bigger picture now too. I'm seeing "me" in this and how some of this...I mean at the end of the day, it's my fault and I own that but it's also not my fault that this wasn't addressed when I was young. It's not anyone's fault. 

I have this other disorder and my own behavior was so bad that no one else, very few, could see past that to try and find the "why's" either. I want to make it clear I'm not blaming anyone. 

I would not have accepted help back then. I thought I knew everything and that everyone else was the problem, not me.

But I wish I would've seen this then, I just told myself I didn't care and that everything would work out.

I'm running out of time.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie 

Mornings that Fly By

 

Good Morning!

Monday again, huh? Ugh!

I realize that's not a positive way to start my blog. I'm actually in a good place. Not enough, even with all 3 sleep aids.

It's OK.

I didn't check my sleep stats until after I'd gone on my morning walk, drank some water and meditated.

Because I let to many things rule me, and so that's a new rule.

No checking until you actually have time to check in with yourself Denise.

Got it.

I'm still very much on the fence in regards to this sleep thing.

I really believe that in perfect circumstances, I could change all this up naturally but life is rarely perfect, is it?

So I shall just do what I can.

Time goes by way to quickly in the mornings.

It's so hard for me to not waste it.

But so far, so good this morning. 

Yesterday, I just allowed myself to do very little. I hardly got in any steps but I believe that that was the hydroxyzine in my system.

Having not taken it for awhile, I think I can now safely say that that stuff is going to be for Friday nights only...just to catch up on what I miss during the week.

With what happened at work last week, I need to be on my toes.

And also, instead of, "I hate this job#, I'm saying I'm grateful for my paycheck.

Here is the video I posted yesterday.

Again, thank you for your views, your thumbs up, my subscribers, etc. 

Just thank you!!

I'm working on a new one as we speak, but it'll go up tomorrow and not on my blog until Wednesday.

Okie, well have a great week all.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

What Works & What Doesn't

 

Good Morning,

Yesterday wasn't a bad day at all, it was just a chill day. It was hard because I knew 2 people lost their lives because of a crazy man and two other people will probably have a lifetime of recovery in front of them because said crazy man shot them but they didn't die.

You guys, this hate.

This hate.

It weighs heavy on me. 

There was a no kings march here yesterday and the governor had told people not to come out because these shootings had been politically motivated. Hatred for the democrat party. But sooo many people went anyways. I can't tell you how much respect I have for people who stand up.

And my blog isn't meant to be political but can I just say that I have respect for anyone who stands up in the face of fear and protests/marches peacefully, without harm to others.

I think many of us have fallen into what I call a sortof lackadaisical kind of submission. Not gonna lie, it humbles me when I see people pushing through their fear and daring to stand up and say no to this kind of behavior.

I think that maybe the days of being a couch potato democrat or republican or independent or libertarian need to minimize.

Everyone's afraid and I think that fear is legit here but I also think, get up off the couch and do something. If you don't, then you really have no right to bitch about anything. I am applying that to myself as well.

Ok, off of that subject, hey, I did the dishes yesterday, lolol. I did the fucking dishes. I actually had a good day. I gave myself grace.

Today will be what it is going to be. I'm not planning this shit out.

I need to make a decision about my sleeping meds so I guess let's do that here. The hydroxyzine bumps my total, average sleep time up by about an hour average. It also increases my REM and Deep sleep times. The catch is that I pay in terms of grogginess and lethargy in the morning and it does seem to dumb me down as far as productivity.

They hydroxyzine doesn't work on it's own, I still drink my sleep drink and on most nights, I take an edible.

The cost of all this a month, is about $120.00 to $140.00 a month.

I mean, I think I have my answer just based on price alone. The hydroxyzine runs about $21.00 every month to two months depending on how many I take per night, because sometimes I take 2. I try not to do that because mornings are not good when I do it, just trying to get going and waking up.

I need to not just "think" about this but make a decision and then really stick to my plan...bedtime of 9:00PM with 30 minutes off my phone and just reading the old fashioned way, book in hand prior to said bedtime.

I have two videos for this week but will probably shoot a few more today...maybe.

As always, I am so grateful for the support I receive here and on my YouTube channel. I have seen more growth, organic growth in the past 3 months than ever before and I am so humbled and grateful.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Murder in Minnesota

 

Hello,

My heart is heavy. Murder in MN. Politically motivated.

It's moments like these, that I really question everything. How am I supposed to feel? I'm too overcome to be angry.

It blows me away that I still feel disbelief when these things occur. 

Americans, not safe in their homes, because of their views.

This is nothing new. The world has been like this since man first developed the ability to assess, to process information intelligently although I use that word lightly.

Is any of this really worth it?

Our time here is limited and fragile. We waste it on really stupid shit...war, power, greed, wealth...and we don't take it with us when we leave. Maybe that's what they are afraid of, those people who worship at the altar of these things because it is all fear. More! Why? You have more than a million people put together will ever have in their lifetimes, you couldn't possibly need all that...yet there are those who continue to strive for those things.

They are scared of their death and so they cling to the wrong things in life. They don't care who suffers, who they step on, who they harm.

They are so afraid of their time limitations here, that they don't give a fuck who they harm or who suffers.

Like I said, I just don't even know how to feel about what happened at my back door this morning. Coon Rapids is one city over from Brooklyn Park, from Champlin...

If you haven't heard what happened, please be careful. There is a shelter in place in Brooklyn Park right now and as of this writing, I don't believe they have caught the perp, who was dressed as a Police Officer and had an SUV that looked like a cop car, with flashing lights and everything. The car has been confiscated, along with a list of Democrats that he planned to kill. He was able to escape one of his murder sites on foot when the real police showed up.

Officers, be careful.

People, be careful.

I am worried about my daughter. She works right by BP. 

This is sad. This is just...at the end of the day...it's sad. 

I'm sure I'll become angry at some point, just numb and processing not only my disbelief but also the fact that I feel disbelief at all.

Be safe out there.

And be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Sleep At Last

Good Morning!

Wow. 

So last night, I picked up my daughter’s sleeping medication, she doesn’t use it, but it’s the same stuff I used. My drink powder for sleep came as well so I went over to my former rommie’s place to pick it up and I took that too and I took an edible. You can see, I am desperate for sleep.

And man! Did I get some. 7 hrs and 54 minutes. Almost two hours of REM and an hour and 17 of deep. 

I am dead groggy this morning.

I’m sure my body will be happy but right now, I’m just trying to shake myself into bright consciousness.

Wow.

I’ll take it though!

The end goal will always be for me to sleep without any of this stuff but for now…grateful.

I’m groggy but the gloom and doom has lifted.

Just have to get myself moving because I overslept in order to give myself this. Not long enough that I’ll be late though.

I have so much to do at work and I’m going to set a nice, steady pace and just…gett’er done.

My goals for this evening are simple ones.

Do the dishes, order groceries for the week (to be picked up tomorrow) and shower.

That's it. That's all she wrote.

I am really thinking about life.

And just...all my rituals and things to do and little mini-obsessions, like keeping the house clean. Good thing, a clean house, but I use it to keep myself from thinking other things through.

My boss asked me to start making calls to the people who expressed interest in getting an estimate done for their DW's but never answered back. It's a dead season.

I think it's because of the economy and all the rain. When it rains, our guys don't work. And it has rained this summer.

It's raining today.

It's going to be cloudy all weekend and then mostly cloudy with some sun and some possibility of thunderstorms all next week.

This weather...just...wow.

I still remember my bestie calling me when her daughter was a baby. She was sobbing and I thought something had happened to her little one; but no, she said through her sobs, "Denise, the sun is shining for the first time in 45 days."

She lives in Washington.

Weather is changing everywhere so I don't know if they still get tons of rain, I know it's heated up there much more than what used to be the norm, just don't know about the rain.

Minnesota has not gotten rain like this in forever.

We're lucky to put two days of sunshine together this year.

To me, that's just absolutely crazy.

But I don't run this show...soooo...no control over it. In the words of Led Zeppelin, "Cryin' won't help ya, prayin' won't do ya no good."

Luckily, I don't feel the need to cry today and as for prayin', I'll do it anyways, albeit in the car, driving into work, because it makes me feel better.

Last night, after work, I ran a bunch of errands, one after the other, I didn't get home until just after six so I allowed myself to stay down last night, give myself some permission to do the crash thing and not feel bad about it.

I am always blown away at my attitude when I get sleep and when I get rest and how quickly things spiral when I don't.

Sleep. It has to be a major priority for me, it just does.

I wonder if when I was little, if I was worse when I didn't get enough sleep? I mean, I was a little shit as it was so it may have been hard to measure it, had mom and dad thought to do so.

I'm not sure.

22 years ago, Dad died. 

My dear dear Dad. I miss him. With every ounce of my being, I miss him.

I will write about him tonight, do a twofer.

Loss never, ever leaves you...it just somehow, becomes bearable.

So I will try to have a good day, in his honor and I will smile and think of happy times.

I love all of you.

Thank you for your support.

Here's the short I posted yesterday.

I'll do another one today. 

Look how crooked my nose looks in the pic of me in the video above. LOL!!

Be Blessed You Guys!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Pain or Sorrow

Good morning,

So I just have to be upfront. Cause there is so much going on with me. I made major decisions.

No matter what the cost, I am going to get the insurance that I qualify for through work. I’m eligible as of July 1 so I just have to hang in until then. I am just really hoping I can go to the same clinic that I’ve always gone to or at least that I’ve gone to for the last 5 to 10 years or so.

I need to get my lungs checked. It’s funny because we know that there’s smoke in the air from Canada yet you don’t think of it as something that can really hurt you. It’s officially hurting me.

I am having an incredibly difficult time, giving up smoking and you guys, I can’t breathe in the mornings. I have one of those oximeters that I use and so far my oxygen levels are fine. But my chest is so tight and I just struggle to get breath in sometimes.

My goal is to just let myself smoke with as little guilt as possible, and as little self bashing as possible and then quit on Saturday. And I already told my daughter I don’t wanna be in the car, she’s going to have to get herself to and from work. I am just going to stay home and not smoke for two days and hopefully I can get stuff done. I just know how I am and I am, it’s like I turn into a maniac when I quit. All that emotional stuff then I’m able for the most part to contend with when I’m smoking, comes out and it’s not good for anyone. I don’t want my shit to affect anyone negatively. And I am going to have to be very, very gentle with anyone who comes in my space because I will be vulnerable to things like annoyance, and anger. At least I know these things about myself, and I can be prepared. 

I had some really good days and I stick to what I said about experiencing peace but that’s not the case now.

The last three days, I have been experiencing one of these crashes.

So yeah, once I qualify for Medical, I am going to go into the doctor. I need to have a Pap smear because I’ve had issues there and haven’t been able to be checked in two years, I need a lung CT to see what I’m really looking at damage wise to my lungs, And I need to get back on medication. This time I want the antidepressant that works, but I also want something for the ADHD. My daughter has a standing prescription for the stuff that I use to sleep and I’ve been off of it for almost a month but clearly, I haven’t figured all this sleep stuff out yet and so I’m gonna need something because going days at a time; well you guys already know, I write about it all the time.

My daughter and I had a really good talk last night and I think we both were able to be honest. Sometimes being honest isn’t what other people want to hear because it scares them or it hurts them. We didn’t have things to say about each other so much other than that, we worry, it was more how we’re dealing with life in general.

 

It is so hard to be there for others when you are struggling, but love is Paramount. Love, compassion and kindness.

I am also really seeing how I am with money. It is so easy for me to justify and deny because I’m not buying clothes, I’m not buying shoes or make up, but I spend a fortune on supplemental things and a fortune on skin care things.

So it really isn’t about the things I buy, it’s about buying and the release it gives me. When I say, I am becoming, it’s hitting me from every corner of my life.

I am slowly getting rid of toxicity around me, but now I have to get rid of the toxicity in me.

And while I can’t fix everything right this minute, I can be on the journey.

I have had these incredible moments and they are fleeting but when I have them, I am so grateful.

Knowing peace, contentment, and just trying to find my way through things with eyes wide open, these are very good things.

I have to get through the next couple weeks and it will take time once I am able to get on medication, for it to kick in, but I can do this.

I can do this.

I know this is morose and I try not to be dramatic anymore, but I went down this rabbit hole of watching videos on near death experiences because you just wanna know, you just wanna know that there’s something else. Something better. Something that makes this life worth it.

And the one thing, regardless of how the others experience, God, because that varies, is this complete feeling of love, and acceptance. This complete togetherness and understanding that we all are a part of each other.

And this life, every one of them said, is about love and service.

There is no pain, or sorrow and that’s why we come here, we come here to have this journey and to experience all emotions. I don’t know, I still get tripped up on the whole if you choose your life thing, why would you choose to be a horrible person who does horrible things. Why would that be your journey and why do you get to skate when you do horrible things down here? Like, why is there no repercussion?

I guess I won’t know any of this until I do die and I guess if none of this is real, then I won’t know anything.

Ok, so that’s what I’ve got for you today.

Just going to be honest, I don’t really want to do today. I don’t want to go to work, I did not wanna go to work yesterday, but I did. And I will go today. And I will really just try to focus on believing in the process and having faith that there’s a reason for all of this. That there are some meaning in all of this.

So there you have it.

I’m going to try to have a good day and I am going to hope that you have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love and light,

Neecie

Morose with the Moon

Good morning,

How is everybody this morning? I am good but I really didn’t sleep. Full moon today so I am assuming that tonight will be better. At least for the most part, I know to be prepared for these nights now.

I had a weird day and it ended on a good note but it was just weird. I went into work late yesterday, I mean, I let my boss know and everything so everything is fine, but I got so overwhelmed by the apartment. I had cleaned this weekend and I just felt like it was blowing up again and out of control.

So I called in, and I did all the dishes, I cleaned my car out completely, I showered, and I even put a little make up on. I went for a walk I meditated and it was actually a good morning, but I had to take time off to do it. And to make myself feel some measure of peace. 

I like to think that I’m on this journey and I’m getting my shit together but sometimes I wonder if I really am. I wonder what is really changing.

I wonder if I am really changing.

I met my friend for dinner last night and it was so fun and we laughed and talked and just had a great time, but you know, I came home and I was pooped. But I just laid in bed and could not get to sleep and when I finally did, I woke up at like Two in the morning and I did not go back to sleep until about 4:30 and I allowed myself to sleep until six and now I’m in go mode to get to work on time, but I realized something. And I think I’ve said this before, but I am very, very lonely.

Much of it is my fault because I get so tired during the week that when I get home, I don’t allow myself to talk to friends or see friends during the week and then on the weekends of course, usually people are busy with their own plans. And I just keep plugging along.

Seeing my friend last night made me realize that I am just still way too rigid in my thinking and how I go about life.

I don’t want to sit here and bash on myself. It’s just hard. I feel like so much of my children’s childhood was missed by me because I was doing my own thing and had my own agenda. And now they’re grown, and I miss them.

It’s not like I never see my kids, I live with one of them, but our schedules are so different and it’s just hard.

I feel sometimes like I’m just in this vicious circle of existence and I wanna be in the middle of life and I want to experience it.

I usually only pray in the mornings, right after I meditate but last night I offered up myself to whatever the greater consciousness really is and I just said that apparently my way of doing things isn’t working and I need help And I just sort of surrendered myself to that and said, I’m open. Please guide me and show me and lead me to something better. Something different.

And I think I’m kind of morose this morning because I’m so tired and tired isn’t something I wear well.

I hope this isn’t too much of a downer of a blog. Here’s the video I posted yesterday along with the short that I posted.

Again, I continue to be so grateful for the support that you all show me with my channel.

It is the only creative outlet, other than my blog, that I have allowed myself lately, and I really need to allow myself to do the other things that fool me and make me happy.

But yes, thank you for the support.

OK, well on with my day. I certainly wish you guys a really good one! 

Be blessed. 

Love and Light,

Neecie

Not Much of Anything...

 

Good Morning!

Ugh, it is. I'm so over this sleep stuff. So yesterday, I almost hit my sweet spot, which is 6.5 hours, and I was exhausted. Yesterday, was very hard to get through but I did it!

Today, just over 5 hours and I feel fine.

Absolutely fine.

Life is strange, our bodies our strange and cannot always be relied on to act as we think they will.

I had to go slow and steady at work because when I'm tired like that, I struggle to maintain anything, my thoughts, my ability to think things through...but I did get some things done, I mean I got everything done that there was for me to do yesterday but yeah...slow going.

And when I got home? Yeah, I had nothing. I talked to my daughter for about an hour and a half, she called me when she got home from work and then I somehow managed to at least hang up/put away my clean clothes as they'd been lying in a pile since Sunday.

I'm meeting a friend for dinner tonight and he gives the best hugs in the world. I am very looking forward to a hug from him.

Y'all know I don't want bamp bamp a choo wamp, but a hug? Yup, I'll take a hug.

I've got a video uploading right now, Neecie's Journey to Better Health.

I have no idea what today will look like but I'm going into it knowing that whatever I get done this morning, will be my best for the day. I'm not coming right home after work, I'm going straight out to meet my friend and I'll be eating later than I like to but not a lot.

My body just doesn't like food the way it used to and it's picky.

For instance, I ate very healthy yesterday and maybe that's why I'm feeling OK without a lot of sleep but as far as my morning offerings to the Gods of poo, yeah, full on sacrifices in the can. 5 times so far.

I mean, maybe aligning myself with the fact that there is no balance with me is what's necessary. Acceptance of that fact. If one thing is good, another goes off the charts.

I have no idea.

Alright, well, I'm off to start my morning. Video will be up this morning.

I love you all!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

High BP

Hi Everyone,

I hope you all had a great weekend.

I didn't really do much other than all the catch up shit that just couldn't wait anymore but it feels great to have it done.

I got a bit of a scare yesterday. They have a free blood pressure cuff at Cub and I decided to check mine and it's not good guys.

It's not good at all.

It scared me.

And I woke up in the middle of the night scared and I cried and I'm crying this morning, although I think the tears this morning are more that I haven't had a cig. This is what always happens when I quit. Baby city.

I cry.

There is also a full moon on Wednesday and it's going to the closest to the earth it's been since 2006 so that emotional pull is even stronger.

I had a hard time getting up this morning but I finally did and forced myself to go on a walk.

I finally made myself my food for work the day before so I don't have to worry about that at all today.

There is something I keep forgetting to write about and each day, after I post, I'm like...oh, I wanted to bring that up, but once again, no recollection.

I stand by what I've been saying in spite of a tear filled morning, I'm feeling better. I'm feeling much, much better, just have to figure out how to attack this smoking thing because it's now, it's not tomorrow or the next day but I just...why does it have to be so hard?

I guess some things just are.

Alright, well, there is still plenty to do this morning. So I'mma gonna go do it.

Here is yesterday's video. There will be another up tonight. Thanks so much you guys.

and a short too....

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie
 

The Sleep Is the Life

Hello and Good Morning!

I feel like things are starting to come together a little bit with me. I feel like all the "stuff" I do to try and kickstart this health journey are beginning to show signs of working.

I have not been a big fan of collagen drinks, I've tried several with none of the results they tout. But I got this mushroom coffee that actually tastes good and it's a powder, you add it to water, which you can warm up or drink cold. I don't drink hot coffee anymore, or at least it's rare and so I just whip it up with a frother, add a bit of cream and it's good.

Well, I got it because of the mushrooms. It just happens to have collagen in it. I've been drinking it once a day in the AM for a month now and my aches and pains? They are greatly diminished. It's almost weird, expecting aches and having none.

My back still continues to go back and forth but all the hip stuff, the stiffness in various parts of my body...gone.

I believe it was about a week ago I realized this so I didn't say anything, just kept drinking my coffee and here we are a week later and it still holds.

So...I don't know. That one seems to be a hit as opposed to a miss.

I also have been taking a cream with estriol in it, it's plant based and while that has made certain changes, they also have a progesterone cream and that one? That one is a miracle worker. I've had energy. Oddly enough, I've taken naps the last two days in a row, slept hard through them but woke up refreshed.

At work, my brain fog has improved. Not amazingly, but in small ways that are making things so much easier to assimilate and follow through on.

So it would seem that there is something to this whole consistency thing. Just have to push myself.

I take all of my supplements in the morning because I don't want anything fucking with my sleep. 

You know how in the movie Dracula, Renfield keeps saying, "the blood is the life" yeah well for me blood is just great but it's more like, "the sleep is the life".

I was going over bills and stuff yesterday and I thought back to the 5 and a half months prior to me starting work and I'm kind of amazed that we made it through that standing, a lot of debt but all of it in good standing, rent paid.

I am so fucking blessed and looking back on it, that's a miracle. That's a huge ass miracle.

That whole thing was a lesson in so much; not just the impulsive choices thing but also in faith and belief and in "learning the lesson."

It makes me so happy. 

My relationships are so different now and you know...this whole protecting my peace thing?  Big time. 

You all know by now how I feel about 12 step programs...but the program itself, without involving people it, lol, is a good program.

It's people who fuck it up and bastardize it. Just like the Bible or the Koran. 

But there's so many quotes in it that have helped me and I'm going to put one of them up here.

 Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate, seemingly without provocation.

 I do not take the protecting my peace thing lightly anymore. And I actually pay attention and listen in conversations I have with others and I would just throw out there, that the whole retaliation thing above in the quote, nothing I do is without provocation and no one thing causes me to act but after some things occur multiple times or someone's actions have been hurtful multiple times, then yes, I'm out. And I don't like the word retaliation, because it's not that, it's letting go of what feels toxic. I choose inner peace and I don't make decisions rashly anymore. There is always a lead up to my decisions and when something or someone's actions reach that boiling point, I can't fix that for them. We all have a final straw and it's only about me in the sense that again, personal peace man. 

And I don't blow up anymore, I don't have the energy, nor do I want that kind of energy. Poison.

No thank you. 

That whole saying, when someone shows you who they are, believe them...

I can't ignore things anymore. And if they hurt me, then you know, you start to evaluate and think about things and if you're me, you meditate on them too and you ask whatever "force, nature, god, whatever" to give you clarity.

It's not about comparison, it's not about judgement...it's about I am feeling very hurt, repeatedly.

So, that's changed too. I care enough about myself not to retaliate or "hit back", I just let things that feel toxic to me...go.

With love.

I mean that.

I let them go and I don't worry about reactions because that's not mine either.

My life has not been peaceful; my life has been full of bad choices, impulsivity, struggles, anger, judgement, so many things and at the end of the day now, in order to honor the changes I've made and the changes to come...I protect my peace.

Non-negotiable.

While I continue to go up and down with the depression, I am experiencing happiness and it's new to me. I've been happy in moments before, I've been almost maniacally joyful but this kind of happiness is calm and peaceful, it's all mixed in with gratitude, faith, belief in the journey as opposed to desiring outcomes of my design.

It's peaceful.

And what I'm hoping, is that these moments, sometimes hours now, of happiness, will just become a mainstay of my life.

At my age, peace - both inner and outer - is huge.

I'm not who I used to be and I wouldn't want to be.

We all change, hopefully we all grow.

I wish you a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Feelin' Better and Running With It

Good Morning!

You know what? I did not get enough sleep but I feel really good this morning. I have felt better and better all week. My tummy has been giving me some problems but other than that...nice!

I am starting to come to terms with the fact that with my stomach issues, I may have to take something everyday for the rest of my days.

I mean, whatev's.

But yeah. I feel good.

I am going to try to go as hard as I can today and that includes a number of things and if I accomplish all I want to this weekend, then next weekend is about fun and relax time.

I've been doing so much better at getting some things in and that's improvement because let's face it, usually I get no things done.

I have to tell myself that machine mode is OK during the week and Saturday because Sunday's will be a huge payoff to myself.

Work hard, play hard on Sundays. Relax hard and know I deserve that shit.

I got off early yesterday because my boss was going out of town for the weekend and wanted to leave early and I don't have keys or anything so...what a frickin' difference in my drive. 

Literally. It usually takes about an hour and 15 minutes to an hour and a half and it took me 48 minutes. I was so happy.

I took a nap and got up and had a conversation with my daughter and then one with my sister, I got the dishes done, I mean nothing earth shattering but I did have a hard time relaxing enough to go to sleep thus the not enough sleep thing today.

I plan to really hit the sleeping thing this week too. I have to be non-negotiable about it. 9PM no matter what, even if I just lay there.

This week, I am going to take all the "stuff" I have been taking to sleep but next week, I am going to alternate one for the other each night, instead of taking both and just see how it goes.

My theory is that if I really start eating better consistently and I exercise everyday, whether it just be a walk or an actual workout, that I will be tired enough to eventually sleep on my own without anything.

Because all these supplements that I take, and all the "stuff" I invest in monthly or bi-monthly is costing me a small fortune. It's ridiculous. 

I am going to do a video sometime this week or next on all the things I invest in for my health. Because some things are really frickin' working and this new feeling of energy I've had, the fact that I didn't flake out every night this week...like, that's not me, that's all the shit I'm putting into place and I do believe that all those affirmations I say everyday are also taking root and starting to manifest so I gotta keep that shit going but I digress.

Um, yeah so I've kept on the YouTube shorts and I get so many more hits on those than my regular videos but I mean, I'll never give those up. 

For now, with the shorts I'm just talking about the affirmations I do and my take on them, pulling them apart a little bit. It's a 16 minute session I do every morning in the car on the way into work and I don't stress myself if I don't do them on the weekend. The girl says an affirmation twice and then I repeat it out loud. She goes through two cycles of them.

I'm telling you...if you just put in the consistency, and have a bit of faith, this stuff, all of a sudden you'll realize it's made a difference.

Isn't everything like that? That's why I strive for consistency so much. That's why, until this stuff becomes as deeply ingrained in me as my unhealthy stuff, I am protective of it.

So yeah, today is a good day and I don't have a list but I know what's got to get done and now I have to go do a Target pickup cuz my cats want their AM wet food and guess who ran out of just that last night?

I hope you all have an amazing day, here's my short from yesterday. Again, I just thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for supporting this.

This is something I do that is important to me. This blog and my videos. They mean so much to me and it's a free thing that people can do to help and the fact that people do...that means the world to me.

I so appreciate you.

I hope you all have a fantastic day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light, 

Neecie

Peepulars

 

Hello Peepulars,

Friday. At long last, Friday.

Pretty sure it's supposed to be shitty out today.

So last night was the familiar crash but I let it go because you know...I got under 5 hours of sleep the night before. If I managed to do anything before bed, it was to stay up long enough to watch the movie my daughter asked me to watch with her.

If it's them...the kids...I make the effort.

Wow, I did get enough sleep last night but I feel so wiped out this AM. Just so tired. My stomach is still bothering me too. I can't remember when this started now, this tummy discomfort.

Loud car man has started his engine for the morning. Loud car man has been here since we moved in but ever since I complained, he at least doesn't let his car sit there, loudly idling for a half hour anymore. It's usually under a minute or so before he takes off.

I can't deal with loud noises anymore; loud music (I still listen all the time but at a much lower decibel), loud voices, loud equipment, etc. I can't stand out. My sister has always been sensitive to noise but I've gotten more so as I've aged and now...when I talk to loud people on the phone, I have to put them on speaker and turn them down.

I've had a good week at work. I'm starting to "get" things. 

I will always hate the drive but I do like the people I work with; I do see why my boss hasn't been able to hold my hand as I learn...it's kind of insane and what's crazy is that this summer, it's not that busy, they are experiencing a very slow start this summer and that's not normal but it's been rainy a lot and the economy bites ass, head and hole so I'm not surprised that people aren't spending money like crazy.

But I have stayed calm through the fear that I wouldn't get how to do things, I make the drive in spite of, and now I do my affirmations while driving, that way I never miss them, and I listen to good music and I just make the most of it. Be miserable or have it be bearable.

I found a new cut through, off the highway and that has helped decreased both the there and the back, but not by much but still, everything helps.

My sister is traveling and she sent me the best pics of this place they went to and it looked magical. I need to travel...oh, wait, I am going to be traveling this winter. Yay!

Well, I better get moving. I didn't do shit yesterday for exercise and I want to get in a walk before I get ready so I hope you all have a good Friday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Love & Light,

Neecie