What Works & What Doesn't

 

Good Morning,

Yesterday wasn't a bad day at all, it was just a chill day. It was hard because I knew 2 people lost their lives because of a crazy man and two other people will probably have a lifetime of recovery in front of them because said crazy man shot them but they didn't die.

You guys, this hate.

This hate.

It weighs heavy on me. 

There was a no kings march here yesterday and the governor had told people not to come out because these shootings had been politically motivated. Hatred for the democrat party. But sooo many people went anyways. I can't tell you how much respect I have for people who stand up.

And my blog isn't meant to be political but can I just say that I have respect for anyone who stands up in the face of fear and protests/marches peacefully, without harm to others.

I think many of us have fallen into what I call a sortof lackadaisical kind of submission. Not gonna lie, it humbles me when I see people pushing through their fear and daring to stand up and say no to this kind of behavior.

I think that maybe the days of being a couch potato democrat or republican or independent or libertarian need to minimize.

Everyone's afraid and I think that fear is legit here but I also think, get up off the couch and do something. If you don't, then you really have no right to bitch about anything. I am applying that to myself as well.

Ok, off of that subject, hey, I did the dishes yesterday, lolol. I did the fucking dishes. I actually had a good day. I gave myself grace.

Today will be what it is going to be. I'm not planning this shit out.

I need to make a decision about my sleeping meds so I guess let's do that here. The hydroxyzine bumps my total, average sleep time up by about an hour average. It also increases my REM and Deep sleep times. The catch is that I pay in terms of grogginess and lethargy in the morning and it does seem to dumb me down as far as productivity.

They hydroxyzine doesn't work on it's own, I still drink my sleep drink and on most nights, I take an edible.

The cost of all this a month, is about $120.00 to $140.00 a month.

I mean, I think I have my answer just based on price alone. The hydroxyzine runs about $21.00 every month to two months depending on how many I take per night, because sometimes I take 2. I try not to do that because mornings are not good when I do it, just trying to get going and waking up.

I need to not just "think" about this but make a decision and then really stick to my plan...bedtime of 9:00PM with 30 minutes off my phone and just reading the old fashioned way, book in hand prior to said bedtime.

I have two videos for this week but will probably shoot a few more today...maybe.

As always, I am so grateful for the support I receive here and on my YouTube channel. I have seen more growth, organic growth in the past 3 months than ever before and I am so humbled and grateful.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Murder in Minnesota

 

Hello,

My heart is heavy. Murder in MN. Politically motivated.

It's moments like these, that I really question everything. How am I supposed to feel? I'm too overcome to be angry.

It blows me away that I still feel disbelief when these things occur. 

Americans, not safe in their homes, because of their views.

This is nothing new. The world has been like this since man first developed the ability to assess, to process information intelligently although I use that word lightly.

Is any of this really worth it?

Our time here is limited and fragile. We waste it on really stupid shit...war, power, greed, wealth...and we don't take it with us when we leave. Maybe that's what they are afraid of, those people who worship at the altar of these things because it is all fear. More! Why? You have more than a million people put together will ever have in their lifetimes, you couldn't possibly need all that...yet there are those who continue to strive for those things.

They are scared of their death and so they cling to the wrong things in life. They don't care who suffers, who they step on, who they harm.

They are so afraid of their time limitations here, that they don't give a fuck who they harm or who suffers.

Like I said, I just don't even know how to feel about what happened at my back door this morning. Coon Rapids is one city over from Brooklyn Park, from Champlin...

If you haven't heard what happened, please be careful. There is a shelter in place in Brooklyn Park right now and as of this writing, I don't believe they have caught the perp, who was dressed as a Police Officer and had an SUV that looked like a cop car, with flashing lights and everything. The car has been confiscated, along with a list of Democrats that he planned to kill. He was able to escape one of his murder sites on foot when the real police showed up.

Officers, be careful.

People, be careful.

I am worried about my daughter. She works right by BP. 

This is sad. This is just...at the end of the day...it's sad. 

I'm sure I'll become angry at some point, just numb and processing not only my disbelief but also the fact that I feel disbelief at all.

Be safe out there.

And be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Sleep At Last

Good Morning!

Wow. 

So last night, I picked up my daughter’s sleeping medication, she doesn’t use it, but it’s the same stuff I used. My drink powder for sleep came as well so I went over to my former rommie’s place to pick it up and I took that too and I took an edible. You can see, I am desperate for sleep.

And man! Did I get some. 7 hrs and 54 minutes. Almost two hours of REM and an hour and 17 of deep. 

I am dead groggy this morning.

I’m sure my body will be happy but right now, I’m just trying to shake myself into bright consciousness.

Wow.

I’ll take it though!

The end goal will always be for me to sleep without any of this stuff but for now…grateful.

I’m groggy but the gloom and doom has lifted.

Just have to get myself moving because I overslept in order to give myself this. Not long enough that I’ll be late though.

I have so much to do at work and I’m going to set a nice, steady pace and just…gett’er done.

My goals for this evening are simple ones.

Do the dishes, order groceries for the week (to be picked up tomorrow) and shower.

That's it. That's all she wrote.

I am really thinking about life.

And just...all my rituals and things to do and little mini-obsessions, like keeping the house clean. Good thing, a clean house, but I use it to keep myself from thinking other things through.

My boss asked me to start making calls to the people who expressed interest in getting an estimate done for their DW's but never answered back. It's a dead season.

I think it's because of the economy and all the rain. When it rains, our guys don't work. And it has rained this summer.

It's raining today.

It's going to be cloudy all weekend and then mostly cloudy with some sun and some possibility of thunderstorms all next week.

This weather...just...wow.

I still remember my bestie calling me when her daughter was a baby. She was sobbing and I thought something had happened to her little one; but no, she said through her sobs, "Denise, the sun is shining for the first time in 45 days."

She lives in Washington.

Weather is changing everywhere so I don't know if they still get tons of rain, I know it's heated up there much more than what used to be the norm, just don't know about the rain.

Minnesota has not gotten rain like this in forever.

We're lucky to put two days of sunshine together this year.

To me, that's just absolutely crazy.

But I don't run this show...soooo...no control over it. In the words of Led Zeppelin, "Cryin' won't help ya, prayin' won't do ya no good."

Luckily, I don't feel the need to cry today and as for prayin', I'll do it anyways, albeit in the car, driving into work, because it makes me feel better.

Last night, after work, I ran a bunch of errands, one after the other, I didn't get home until just after six so I allowed myself to stay down last night, give myself some permission to do the crash thing and not feel bad about it.

I am always blown away at my attitude when I get sleep and when I get rest and how quickly things spiral when I don't.

Sleep. It has to be a major priority for me, it just does.

I wonder if when I was little, if I was worse when I didn't get enough sleep? I mean, I was a little shit as it was so it may have been hard to measure it, had mom and dad thought to do so.

I'm not sure.

22 years ago, Dad died. 

My dear dear Dad. I miss him. With every ounce of my being, I miss him.

I will write about him tonight, do a twofer.

Loss never, ever leaves you...it just somehow, becomes bearable.

So I will try to have a good day, in his honor and I will smile and think of happy times.

I love all of you.

Thank you for your support.

Here's the short I posted yesterday.

I'll do another one today. 

Look how crooked my nose looks in the pic of me in the video above. LOL!!

Be Blessed You Guys!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Pain or Sorrow

Good morning,

So I just have to be upfront. Cause there is so much going on with me. I made major decisions.

No matter what the cost, I am going to get the insurance that I qualify for through work. I’m eligible as of July 1 so I just have to hang in until then. I am just really hoping I can go to the same clinic that I’ve always gone to or at least that I’ve gone to for the last 5 to 10 years or so.

I need to get my lungs checked. It’s funny because we know that there’s smoke in the air from Canada yet you don’t think of it as something that can really hurt you. It’s officially hurting me.

I am having an incredibly difficult time, giving up smoking and you guys, I can’t breathe in the mornings. I have one of those oximeters that I use and so far my oxygen levels are fine. But my chest is so tight and I just struggle to get breath in sometimes.

My goal is to just let myself smoke with as little guilt as possible, and as little self bashing as possible and then quit on Saturday. And I already told my daughter I don’t wanna be in the car, she’s going to have to get herself to and from work. I am just going to stay home and not smoke for two days and hopefully I can get stuff done. I just know how I am and I am, it’s like I turn into a maniac when I quit. All that emotional stuff then I’m able for the most part to contend with when I’m smoking, comes out and it’s not good for anyone. I don’t want my shit to affect anyone negatively. And I am going to have to be very, very gentle with anyone who comes in my space because I will be vulnerable to things like annoyance, and anger. At least I know these things about myself, and I can be prepared. 

I had some really good days and I stick to what I said about experiencing peace but that’s not the case now.

The last three days, I have been experiencing one of these crashes.

So yeah, once I qualify for Medical, I am going to go into the doctor. I need to have a Pap smear because I’ve had issues there and haven’t been able to be checked in two years, I need a lung CT to see what I’m really looking at damage wise to my lungs, And I need to get back on medication. This time I want the antidepressant that works, but I also want something for the ADHD. My daughter has a standing prescription for the stuff that I use to sleep and I’ve been off of it for almost a month but clearly, I haven’t figured all this sleep stuff out yet and so I’m gonna need something because going days at a time; well you guys already know, I write about it all the time.

My daughter and I had a really good talk last night and I think we both were able to be honest. Sometimes being honest isn’t what other people want to hear because it scares them or it hurts them. We didn’t have things to say about each other so much other than that, we worry, it was more how we’re dealing with life in general.

 

It is so hard to be there for others when you are struggling, but love is Paramount. Love, compassion and kindness.

I am also really seeing how I am with money. It is so easy for me to justify and deny because I’m not buying clothes, I’m not buying shoes or make up, but I spend a fortune on supplemental things and a fortune on skin care things.

So it really isn’t about the things I buy, it’s about buying and the release it gives me. When I say, I am becoming, it’s hitting me from every corner of my life.

I am slowly getting rid of toxicity around me, but now I have to get rid of the toxicity in me.

And while I can’t fix everything right this minute, I can be on the journey.

I have had these incredible moments and they are fleeting but when I have them, I am so grateful.

Knowing peace, contentment, and just trying to find my way through things with eyes wide open, these are very good things.

I have to get through the next couple weeks and it will take time once I am able to get on medication, for it to kick in, but I can do this.

I can do this.

I know this is morose and I try not to be dramatic anymore, but I went down this rabbit hole of watching videos on near death experiences because you just wanna know, you just wanna know that there’s something else. Something better. Something that makes this life worth it.

And the one thing, regardless of how the others experience, God, because that varies, is this complete feeling of love, and acceptance. This complete togetherness and understanding that we all are a part of each other.

And this life, every one of them said, is about love and service.

There is no pain, or sorrow and that’s why we come here, we come here to have this journey and to experience all emotions. I don’t know, I still get tripped up on the whole if you choose your life thing, why would you choose to be a horrible person who does horrible things. Why would that be your journey and why do you get to skate when you do horrible things down here? Like, why is there no repercussion?

I guess I won’t know any of this until I do die and I guess if none of this is real, then I won’t know anything.

Ok, so that’s what I’ve got for you today.

Just going to be honest, I don’t really want to do today. I don’t want to go to work, I did not wanna go to work yesterday, but I did. And I will go today. And I will really just try to focus on believing in the process and having faith that there’s a reason for all of this. That there are some meaning in all of this.

So there you have it.

I’m going to try to have a good day and I am going to hope that you have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love and light,

Neecie

Morose with the Moon

Good morning,

How is everybody this morning? I am good but I really didn’t sleep. Full moon today so I am assuming that tonight will be better. At least for the most part, I know to be prepared for these nights now.

I had a weird day and it ended on a good note but it was just weird. I went into work late yesterday, I mean, I let my boss know and everything so everything is fine, but I got so overwhelmed by the apartment. I had cleaned this weekend and I just felt like it was blowing up again and out of control.

So I called in, and I did all the dishes, I cleaned my car out completely, I showered, and I even put a little make up on. I went for a walk I meditated and it was actually a good morning, but I had to take time off to do it. And to make myself feel some measure of peace. 

I like to think that I’m on this journey and I’m getting my shit together but sometimes I wonder if I really am. I wonder what is really changing.

I wonder if I am really changing.

I met my friend for dinner last night and it was so fun and we laughed and talked and just had a great time, but you know, I came home and I was pooped. But I just laid in bed and could not get to sleep and when I finally did, I woke up at like Two in the morning and I did not go back to sleep until about 4:30 and I allowed myself to sleep until six and now I’m in go mode to get to work on time, but I realized something. And I think I’ve said this before, but I am very, very lonely.

Much of it is my fault because I get so tired during the week that when I get home, I don’t allow myself to talk to friends or see friends during the week and then on the weekends of course, usually people are busy with their own plans. And I just keep plugging along.

Seeing my friend last night made me realize that I am just still way too rigid in my thinking and how I go about life.

I don’t want to sit here and bash on myself. It’s just hard. I feel like so much of my children’s childhood was missed by me because I was doing my own thing and had my own agenda. And now they’re grown, and I miss them.

It’s not like I never see my kids, I live with one of them, but our schedules are so different and it’s just hard.

I feel sometimes like I’m just in this vicious circle of existence and I wanna be in the middle of life and I want to experience it.

I usually only pray in the mornings, right after I meditate but last night I offered up myself to whatever the greater consciousness really is and I just said that apparently my way of doing things isn’t working and I need help And I just sort of surrendered myself to that and said, I’m open. Please guide me and show me and lead me to something better. Something different.

And I think I’m kind of morose this morning because I’m so tired and tired isn’t something I wear well.

I hope this isn’t too much of a downer of a blog. Here’s the video I posted yesterday along with the short that I posted.

Again, I continue to be so grateful for the support that you all show me with my channel.

It is the only creative outlet, other than my blog, that I have allowed myself lately, and I really need to allow myself to do the other things that fool me and make me happy.

But yes, thank you for the support.

OK, well on with my day. I certainly wish you guys a really good one! 

Be blessed. 

Love and Light,

Neecie

Not Much of Anything...

 

Good Morning!

Ugh, it is. I'm so over this sleep stuff. So yesterday, I almost hit my sweet spot, which is 6.5 hours, and I was exhausted. Yesterday, was very hard to get through but I did it!

Today, just over 5 hours and I feel fine.

Absolutely fine.

Life is strange, our bodies our strange and cannot always be relied on to act as we think they will.

I had to go slow and steady at work because when I'm tired like that, I struggle to maintain anything, my thoughts, my ability to think things through...but I did get some things done, I mean I got everything done that there was for me to do yesterday but yeah...slow going.

And when I got home? Yeah, I had nothing. I talked to my daughter for about an hour and a half, she called me when she got home from work and then I somehow managed to at least hang up/put away my clean clothes as they'd been lying in a pile since Sunday.

I'm meeting a friend for dinner tonight and he gives the best hugs in the world. I am very looking forward to a hug from him.

Y'all know I don't want bamp bamp a choo wamp, but a hug? Yup, I'll take a hug.

I've got a video uploading right now, Neecie's Journey to Better Health.

I have no idea what today will look like but I'm going into it knowing that whatever I get done this morning, will be my best for the day. I'm not coming right home after work, I'm going straight out to meet my friend and I'll be eating later than I like to but not a lot.

My body just doesn't like food the way it used to and it's picky.

For instance, I ate very healthy yesterday and maybe that's why I'm feeling OK without a lot of sleep but as far as my morning offerings to the Gods of poo, yeah, full on sacrifices in the can. 5 times so far.

I mean, maybe aligning myself with the fact that there is no balance with me is what's necessary. Acceptance of that fact. If one thing is good, another goes off the charts.

I have no idea.

Alright, well, I'm off to start my morning. Video will be up this morning.

I love you all!!

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

High BP

Hi Everyone,

I hope you all had a great weekend.

I didn't really do much other than all the catch up shit that just couldn't wait anymore but it feels great to have it done.

I got a bit of a scare yesterday. They have a free blood pressure cuff at Cub and I decided to check mine and it's not good guys.

It's not good at all.

It scared me.

And I woke up in the middle of the night scared and I cried and I'm crying this morning, although I think the tears this morning are more that I haven't had a cig. This is what always happens when I quit. Baby city.

I cry.

There is also a full moon on Wednesday and it's going to the closest to the earth it's been since 2006 so that emotional pull is even stronger.

I had a hard time getting up this morning but I finally did and forced myself to go on a walk.

I finally made myself my food for work the day before so I don't have to worry about that at all today.

There is something I keep forgetting to write about and each day, after I post, I'm like...oh, I wanted to bring that up, but once again, no recollection.

I stand by what I've been saying in spite of a tear filled morning, I'm feeling better. I'm feeling much, much better, just have to figure out how to attack this smoking thing because it's now, it's not tomorrow or the next day but I just...why does it have to be so hard?

I guess some things just are.

Alright, well, there is still plenty to do this morning. So I'mma gonna go do it.

Here is yesterday's video. There will be another up tonight. Thanks so much you guys.

and a short too....

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie
 

The Sleep Is the Life

Hello and Good Morning!

I feel like things are starting to come together a little bit with me. I feel like all the "stuff" I do to try and kickstart this health journey are beginning to show signs of working.

I have not been a big fan of collagen drinks, I've tried several with none of the results they tout. But I got this mushroom coffee that actually tastes good and it's a powder, you add it to water, which you can warm up or drink cold. I don't drink hot coffee anymore, or at least it's rare and so I just whip it up with a frother, add a bit of cream and it's good.

Well, I got it because of the mushrooms. It just happens to have collagen in it. I've been drinking it once a day in the AM for a month now and my aches and pains? They are greatly diminished. It's almost weird, expecting aches and having none.

My back still continues to go back and forth but all the hip stuff, the stiffness in various parts of my body...gone.

I believe it was about a week ago I realized this so I didn't say anything, just kept drinking my coffee and here we are a week later and it still holds.

So...I don't know. That one seems to be a hit as opposed to a miss.

I also have been taking a cream with estriol in it, it's plant based and while that has made certain changes, they also have a progesterone cream and that one? That one is a miracle worker. I've had energy. Oddly enough, I've taken naps the last two days in a row, slept hard through them but woke up refreshed.

At work, my brain fog has improved. Not amazingly, but in small ways that are making things so much easier to assimilate and follow through on.

So it would seem that there is something to this whole consistency thing. Just have to push myself.

I take all of my supplements in the morning because I don't want anything fucking with my sleep. 

You know how in the movie Dracula, Renfield keeps saying, "the blood is the life" yeah well for me blood is just great but it's more like, "the sleep is the life".

I was going over bills and stuff yesterday and I thought back to the 5 and a half months prior to me starting work and I'm kind of amazed that we made it through that standing, a lot of debt but all of it in good standing, rent paid.

I am so fucking blessed and looking back on it, that's a miracle. That's a huge ass miracle.

That whole thing was a lesson in so much; not just the impulsive choices thing but also in faith and belief and in "learning the lesson."

It makes me so happy. 

My relationships are so different now and you know...this whole protecting my peace thing?  Big time. 

You all know by now how I feel about 12 step programs...but the program itself, without involving people it, lol, is a good program.

It's people who fuck it up and bastardize it. Just like the Bible or the Koran. 

But there's so many quotes in it that have helped me and I'm going to put one of them up here.

 Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate, seemingly without provocation.

 I do not take the protecting my peace thing lightly anymore. And I actually pay attention and listen in conversations I have with others and I would just throw out there, that the whole retaliation thing above in the quote, nothing I do is without provocation and no one thing causes me to act but after some things occur multiple times or someone's actions have been hurtful multiple times, then yes, I'm out. And I don't like the word retaliation, because it's not that, it's letting go of what feels toxic. I choose inner peace and I don't make decisions rashly anymore. There is always a lead up to my decisions and when something or someone's actions reach that boiling point, I can't fix that for them. We all have a final straw and it's only about me in the sense that again, personal peace man. 

And I don't blow up anymore, I don't have the energy, nor do I want that kind of energy. Poison.

No thank you. 

That whole saying, when someone shows you who they are, believe them...

I can't ignore things anymore. And if they hurt me, then you know, you start to evaluate and think about things and if you're me, you meditate on them too and you ask whatever "force, nature, god, whatever" to give you clarity.

It's not about comparison, it's not about judgement...it's about I am feeling very hurt, repeatedly.

So, that's changed too. I care enough about myself not to retaliate or "hit back", I just let things that feel toxic to me...go.

With love.

I mean that.

I let them go and I don't worry about reactions because that's not mine either.

My life has not been peaceful; my life has been full of bad choices, impulsivity, struggles, anger, judgement, so many things and at the end of the day now, in order to honor the changes I've made and the changes to come...I protect my peace.

Non-negotiable.

While I continue to go up and down with the depression, I am experiencing happiness and it's new to me. I've been happy in moments before, I've been almost maniacally joyful but this kind of happiness is calm and peaceful, it's all mixed in with gratitude, faith, belief in the journey as opposed to desiring outcomes of my design.

It's peaceful.

And what I'm hoping, is that these moments, sometimes hours now, of happiness, will just become a mainstay of my life.

At my age, peace - both inner and outer - is huge.

I'm not who I used to be and I wouldn't want to be.

We all change, hopefully we all grow.

I wish you a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Feelin' Better and Running With It

Good Morning!

You know what? I did not get enough sleep but I feel really good this morning. I have felt better and better all week. My tummy has been giving me some problems but other than that...nice!

I am starting to come to terms with the fact that with my stomach issues, I may have to take something everyday for the rest of my days.

I mean, whatev's.

But yeah. I feel good.

I am going to try to go as hard as I can today and that includes a number of things and if I accomplish all I want to this weekend, then next weekend is about fun and relax time.

I've been doing so much better at getting some things in and that's improvement because let's face it, usually I get no things done.

I have to tell myself that machine mode is OK during the week and Saturday because Sunday's will be a huge payoff to myself.

Work hard, play hard on Sundays. Relax hard and know I deserve that shit.

I got off early yesterday because my boss was going out of town for the weekend and wanted to leave early and I don't have keys or anything so...what a frickin' difference in my drive. 

Literally. It usually takes about an hour and 15 minutes to an hour and a half and it took me 48 minutes. I was so happy.

I took a nap and got up and had a conversation with my daughter and then one with my sister, I got the dishes done, I mean nothing earth shattering but I did have a hard time relaxing enough to go to sleep thus the not enough sleep thing today.

I plan to really hit the sleeping thing this week too. I have to be non-negotiable about it. 9PM no matter what, even if I just lay there.

This week, I am going to take all the "stuff" I have been taking to sleep but next week, I am going to alternate one for the other each night, instead of taking both and just see how it goes.

My theory is that if I really start eating better consistently and I exercise everyday, whether it just be a walk or an actual workout, that I will be tired enough to eventually sleep on my own without anything.

Because all these supplements that I take, and all the "stuff" I invest in monthly or bi-monthly is costing me a small fortune. It's ridiculous. 

I am going to do a video sometime this week or next on all the things I invest in for my health. Because some things are really frickin' working and this new feeling of energy I've had, the fact that I didn't flake out every night this week...like, that's not me, that's all the shit I'm putting into place and I do believe that all those affirmations I say everyday are also taking root and starting to manifest so I gotta keep that shit going but I digress.

Um, yeah so I've kept on the YouTube shorts and I get so many more hits on those than my regular videos but I mean, I'll never give those up. 

For now, with the shorts I'm just talking about the affirmations I do and my take on them, pulling them apart a little bit. It's a 16 minute session I do every morning in the car on the way into work and I don't stress myself if I don't do them on the weekend. The girl says an affirmation twice and then I repeat it out loud. She goes through two cycles of them.

I'm telling you...if you just put in the consistency, and have a bit of faith, this stuff, all of a sudden you'll realize it's made a difference.

Isn't everything like that? That's why I strive for consistency so much. That's why, until this stuff becomes as deeply ingrained in me as my unhealthy stuff, I am protective of it.

So yeah, today is a good day and I don't have a list but I know what's got to get done and now I have to go do a Target pickup cuz my cats want their AM wet food and guess who ran out of just that last night?

I hope you all have an amazing day, here's my short from yesterday. Again, I just thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for supporting this.

This is something I do that is important to me. This blog and my videos. They mean so much to me and it's a free thing that people can do to help and the fact that people do...that means the world to me.

I so appreciate you.

I hope you all have a fantastic day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light, 

Neecie

Peepulars

 

Hello Peepulars,

Friday. At long last, Friday.

Pretty sure it's supposed to be shitty out today.

So last night was the familiar crash but I let it go because you know...I got under 5 hours of sleep the night before. If I managed to do anything before bed, it was to stay up long enough to watch the movie my daughter asked me to watch with her.

If it's them...the kids...I make the effort.

Wow, I did get enough sleep last night but I feel so wiped out this AM. Just so tired. My stomach is still bothering me too. I can't remember when this started now, this tummy discomfort.

Loud car man has started his engine for the morning. Loud car man has been here since we moved in but ever since I complained, he at least doesn't let his car sit there, loudly idling for a half hour anymore. It's usually under a minute or so before he takes off.

I can't deal with loud noises anymore; loud music (I still listen all the time but at a much lower decibel), loud voices, loud equipment, etc. I can't stand out. My sister has always been sensitive to noise but I've gotten more so as I've aged and now...when I talk to loud people on the phone, I have to put them on speaker and turn them down.

I've had a good week at work. I'm starting to "get" things. 

I will always hate the drive but I do like the people I work with; I do see why my boss hasn't been able to hold my hand as I learn...it's kind of insane and what's crazy is that this summer, it's not that busy, they are experiencing a very slow start this summer and that's not normal but it's been rainy a lot and the economy bites ass, head and hole so I'm not surprised that people aren't spending money like crazy.

But I have stayed calm through the fear that I wouldn't get how to do things, I make the drive in spite of, and now I do my affirmations while driving, that way I never miss them, and I listen to good music and I just make the most of it. Be miserable or have it be bearable.

I found a new cut through, off the highway and that has helped decreased both the there and the back, but not by much but still, everything helps.

My sister is traveling and she sent me the best pics of this place they went to and it looked magical. I need to travel...oh, wait, I am going to be traveling this winter. Yay!

Well, I better get moving. I didn't do shit yesterday for exercise and I want to get in a walk before I get ready so I hope you all have a good Friday.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Love & Light,

Neecie

Floaters

 Hi guys!

Me again. Twofer today!! So I posted a short on my page and it got me thinking…about these affirmations I’m doing and how they are not a miracle cure by any means but more of a slow, subtle, change-inducing nature. You know, the last 3 days, I have been able to push myself to do the things I don’t want to, to push through the evenings so that the entire evening is not spent on the couch.

It’s not like I’m running marathons or getting a TON done each night but honestly, there have been so many nights, prior to this week, where I deflated completely. Deflation is my normal. 

But this week at least, there seems to be some relief from that.

 It’s still deflation but the leak causing said deflation must be getting smaller.

I like to picture one of those huge blowup pool toys that float and then I picture it getting punctured and it wilts down to a big pile and you slip into the water.

Hopefully you can swim.

Whatever I’m puncturing myself with, has gotten smaller. 

It’s the puncture I have to look at for, because when not punctured, the floatie floats.

So if I start mending the punctures and paying attention to what causes them, I’ll start just peacefully floating along.

All the “stuff” will become habit and at some point, it won’t feel like me pushing myself, it’ll just be what I do.

I’m cracking up because all this talk of floating makes me think of Pennywise, the original floater. Ha! 

If you know, you know!

She said floaters.

I digress.

I have a half day of PTO saved and as soon as I have 8 hours, I’m taking a paid day off.

So on the way to work, I saw a rafter of turkeys. I always look up the spiritual significance of animals I see randomly because there are no coincidences and everything has meaning and a message as far as I’m concerned.

It’s all about abundance and prosperity, gratitude and making sacrifices to allow new things to come into my life.

Wow.

That’s cool.

Maybe it was Momma, come down as a turkey to keep reminding me that all is well and all manner of things will be well.

And I mean there were like 20 of them so I feel like that represents my tribe. It’s a good one, I’m lucky!

I like that and am owning it.

Anyways, I’m so happy my daughter will be home when I get there.

As the day has progressed, I’m really feeling shitty. Tummy no good today.

And I’d get something to eat but there’s nothing nearby other than HyVee and Chipotle and I don’t want that.

So starve until I get home I guess it is.

Lord love a duck. I accidentally wrote dick and I was gonna leave it because it made me laugh but really…it’s supposed to be duck.

I hope everyone’s day is going good. 

Love you all :)

Neecie

Put It All Together

 

Good Morning,

Oh man. I am going slow this morning. I somehow managed again, last evening, to get in some exercise, meditate (which I never do in the evenings) and to take a shower. Sometimes, that's all we've got.

My daughter was gone last night and I missed her. I used to long to be alone and now I don't like it so much.

Even if we're just in the same proximity, and not really interacting, which...usually we're interacting but yeah...even just having a physical presence nearby makes me feel comfort.

I crashed again with the depression piece but I am pushing through and I think that being consistent with myself on some things is really, really helping.

I posted this short today:

This is one of the many affirmations that is spoken on the video I listen to each day on the way to work.

Do I believe that affirmations alone can save me from whatever turbulence I am experiencing? No. But I am coming to understand that it's many, many little things, done consistently, and that's they key word here, consistency, but yeah...they all add up and make a difference.

I see it, I'm living it and yes, I'm still depressed, I'm still struggling through each day but the last two days at least, have been a bit better, there's been sun peaking through the clouds.

That's why I do all this "stuff."

Some of it's physical, some of it's mental...put it all together, keep doing it and believe.

Those are my tools.

But today, this morning, I didn't have too much in me so I have to go.

Two more days.

Two more days and then...some relief.

I don't have any plans for this weekend and I think that's OK.

I would like to see my friend Tracy. She lives so close by. I miss her.

Alright guys, I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Rising From Lethargy

Good Morning!

How is everyone? It's hump day. Although I'll be sad to get a really small check a week from Friday (for not going in on Monday), it was worth it.

I have these crashes. And I was sick, which by the way, both my daughter and I were fine. It was a 24 hour thing for both of us. We didn't eat the same things that day, so I'm assuming it was a fast acting norovirus situation.

There is so much going around. My daughter seems to get sick a lot. She works in the food industry serving so I guess I'm not surprised.

But so very glad it wasn't a long, dragged out kind of thing.

I managed to rise from my lethargy after work in spite of the horrific drive home. I honestly don't know what happened because the road outside of my work is like a county road and it's never been a problem getting on it to go home until about two weeks ago and now, it's backed so far up, I have to turn in the opposite direction and cut through residential roads, which of course makes the drive even longer than it already is.

There are too many people on this damn planet.

The planet isn't "damn", all the people are, lol.

Anyways, yeah, I got home and I ate dinner. I didn't have time to make my breakfast and dinner yesterday so I ate when I got home. I fought the urge to go buy something for lunch because I'm trying so hard to get my budget to work...and somehow I managed not to eat.

So made some dinner, did the dishes, went for a walk...nothing earth shattering and I didn't go hard but after that, I gave myself a facial and took a shower.

I mean, for me man, that's fucking something. 

This morning I've taken a walk, put the clean dishes in the washer, away.

At the end of the day, I made my step goal, I got in 64 oz of fluids for the day and I was able to pick my daughter up from work and then go right to bed. 

I'm out of edibles so I decided to give it a shot without them. Each pouch of edibles I get, are 20 bucks each and have 10 edibles in them. So I'm trying to go 10 nights with and then I wait until the next paycheck to grab more, so I'll go tonight and tomorrow night without and then back on.

They do help, I know that. But they aren't perfect, nothing has been.

I still need to meditate, get dressed, all that good stuff and then throw something to eat together because I don't want to make a habit of the not eating all day thing.

I seem to be on the upswing from the weird cycling depression thing that happens to me. I'm tired but I do feel better.

And the rain has stopped and the sun is out and the smell from the fires up in Canada have dissipated.

I felt bad because I didn't want to run the air since it was cooler outside and of course, with all the smoke from Canada, I worried about the cats with the window open (I had a fan in the window) but they seem to be OK.

My job was OK yesterday. I do feel bad for my boss. Her pup got really, really sick last weekend, I guess she wasn't in on Monday either and she wanted to leave early yesterday to work from home and stuff kept coming at her. She did get out finally, around 1. She usually leaves around 2 so I guess that's something but yeah, I felt bad.

Ok, well it's 10 after 6, so I better go meditate and power through the next 50 minutes.

Posted this one yesterday. As ever, thank you for the higher views, the new subscribers, etc. Please like, subscribe, hit the notification bell and comment if you would. You make my day everyday!!

I hope you guys have a great day.

I wish you energy and motivation and happiness.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie 

Smell the Smoke

Good Morning,

Geez, so early but still not enough time.

I don't even know how much sleep I got, does it even matter anymore? Cuz it pretty much always sucks. I feel OK.

I guess that's what matters. So I was OK yesterday too and I was able to get some stuff done. My daughter felt much better by the end of the night and so she was able to eat and hopefully will be able to go in to work today.

I am able to go in to work today. No fun, no fun. It's fucking raining again. Nooooooo.

I mean, it's cooler, way cooler, than it was yesterday so there's that but I need a good week of sunshine to recover from whatever this bizarre episode of the blues is.

I think it's seasonal fucking affective disorder but it's affecting me now because we've had more days of rain and gloom than sun.

Whatever. I got up this morning, I went for a walk, I meditated, I'm uploading a video as we speak and I uploaded one yesterday:

More subscribers yesterday and that made me cry too. Everything makes me cry. 

Thank you.

So can you all smell the smoke from the Canadian fires? It's bad. I slept with a fan in the window to cool things down and yeah, it was nice temperature wise but I woke up practically choking from the smoke and smell of it.

Awful.

I guess maybe they're not getting the rain we are? These fires though, the last couple years.

No bueno.

I have nothing profound or positive to say. I have nothing negative to say. In spite of feeling better, I also feel tired and crabby now that I've been sitting here for a minute.

I'm going to go make my food for the day and get going...

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

 

I'm There, I'm Ready

Good Morning,

I always mean it when I say good morning because even if it's not for me, than I still hope it is for you, the people who support this by reading.

I hit my goal for visits to this blog for May, even went a bit over. I have a goal for this month as well but I don't get bent out of shape if I don't make it.

So to say that I have felt an increasing amount of...what, well I have felt overwhelmed. 

It's all of the stuff that comes after getting drugs and alcohol out of you and keeping them out. All the other "isms" that make me, me.

It has been utterly devastating to me to finally get a job and to not like it, to once again feel trapped in the box. The drive alone to and from work, is going to kill me or someone else when I lose it in a fire breathing expulsion of road rage.

There are things I can do.

I should tell you that I didn't go in today.

I'm sick. I'm getting better but I'm sick. Let me tell you about my day yesterday before I continue;

I have been increasingly emotional the last few days. I will cry at anything. I used to be so good at holding all of this in but I'm not anymore. It just comes.

And because of the massive amount of things that I have going on, I'm not surprised.

I have debt to pay.

We will be moving at some point and I finally did make a decision regarding that, which I'll go into, first on my YouTube channel and then here. But yes, I made a decision.

I have a business I want to start once and for all.

I have a job I don't like but am desperately trying to be grateful for. 

And all these "isms" and wanting health insurance so they can finally be addressed. Like, I'm there, I'm ready.

This may not sound like a lot, but all are fully loaded, right? They all come with a myriad of details.

When I am overwhelmed, I tend to do something self-destructive because it sets me back on the right path. My reset button has always been self-destruction.

Turns out I love myself to much to do that shit anymore and I love my people too and am not willing to put them through all that.

And so you have me here, basically trying to cope. I do have coping skills but I need to give myself a refresher.

And I thought that that's what all the tears have been about, just coming to terms with reality and the fact that I really fucking hate reality.

Nope.

Yesterday was awful. The shining point was meeting my friend Kirsten for coffee but I am kindof embarrassed because I kept breaking down into tears. She knows me though. She handled it really well. It was so good to see her. I was overcome by the fact that we have been friends since we were 5 years old, or I should say we have known each other since we were 5. The friendship started at age 8, on the first day of 3rd grade. I will never, ever, forget that day, just like I will never, ever forget the first day Lisa and I hung out.

Fucking hilarious.

I do know that for some, it's common to have life long friends and for some, not so much. I know what a blessing this is.

But yeah, I cried off and on while we talked. And then I went home and I laid on the couch and I ugly cried all afternoon.

I picked my daughter up and she was like, "Mom. I don't feel so good." We got home and puking commenced.

She slept with me which is fine. It was hot in the apartment and I don't like running both air conditioners at the same time because of the cost. I switched to the other side of the bed I usually sleep on because I wanted her to have close access to the bathroom...which, as it turns out, was prudent thinking on my part cuz she did have to go for another round or two and then one this morning. I got sick this morning. I am tired but do feel better after ralphing my guts out.

So I am going to take advantage of the day off and very slowly, and with great care and intention, try and get some things done.

And in puking, I realized that maybe that's part of what made me feel so fragile yesterday and the days leading up to it, I was sick. I was tired and sick. You all know by now how "tired" affects me.

My YouTube channel all of the sudden is garnering attention and subscribers and that? That is the good stuff for me. That means so much to me. I am so grateful.

Now I still am not a big hitter obviously, but this is the first time ever, that any of my videos have garnered more views than, like, 10 at the most.

Two of my recent shorts went over 1K views.

I don't know if this will be short lived or if it will keep going, but in this moment, I am so happy to get to experience this.

So if you are one of the people over here because you found this blog in the description section of one of my videos, welcome and thank you!!

And to the rest of you, the ones who know and get, why I do this, and who support it for the simple fact that it means so much to me...thank you. 

Blessings can be so many things, but those of you who support this...you are blessings too. and I am grateful.

Have a good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

A Faery Fun Day!!

Good Morning Loves,

How are you all doing this beautiful Sunday morning?

I hope you are well rested and feeling some happiness.

My "whatever it is" kicked in and this morning, I'm just crying. Wah, wah, wah.

I'm becoming so hyper aware of myself these days. My mood swings, the depression when it hits...just...my Denise'isms.

Of which, my friends, there are many.

But, I suppose if you want to be positive about it, it makes me unique and unapologetically myself.

Yes, the truth is out, I'm "special."

I both need and want to try and do something today to make it worth going back to the work grind tomorrow.

Most of us have to do this, I get it. 

Still a grateful motherfucker here.

How come when we get old, do our noses get ginormous. Is that gravity?

Me no like.

Ok, well, yesterday. And many of you who are on my FB and read this on the regular, do know by now and may have thought of this already, is that a really good day for me, is usually followed quickly by a spin down.

So whatever the hell that is, yeah, it could be why I feel so tired and sad this morning.

But I did have a fantastic day. 

I went out to a faerie festival with a little girl, a daughter of a friend of mine. I miss having littles. I miss the good part of it; the joy, the wonder, the acceptance of everything around you and the possibility that magick is real.

I love the exuberance and the silliness, I love it all.

I am at an age where I give no fucks, so if I'm interested in checking things out, I'll go by myself but I love having someone to go with me to do these things too.

My sister came out with me to como zoo the other weekend and I loved it.

So when I thought if there were any kids I could potentially bring, that made me so happy when her mom said yes.

Of course, with kids, you have to spend money and I didn't go nuts. I knew what I had to spend and I stuck to that but I was able to get her a trinket or two and to get her some cotton candy, or fairy floss, as the fey call it!!

It was magical. They did a great job with this little event and every kid I saw looked so happy. It made me so happy.

I got her some Mickey D's and went back to my place after so she could see me daughter as they love each other very much and don't get to see each other often.

So so so sweet to see my daughter interacting with her, how kind she is and attentive and it made my heart feel so happy.

And now I'm crying.

LMAO, what is my major malfunction?

Anyways, the drive out to the festival was about a 45 minute drive, then we came back and we're here for about an hour. I took my friend's daughter to the park. Then we all got in the car, I drove my daughter to work, dropped off my fairy partner at her dad's, came home for about an hour, then drove out to the airport, which is just under an hour drive, picked up my other daughter and her hubby, drove them home, which is also over an hour drive, then drove home, which is about a half hour from them.

My ass hurts.

It was a day of doing for others and I'm OK with that. 

My sissy left today and will be gone for almost a month.

I'm just praying she has a safe trip and a really wonderful time.

I will miss her greatly.

Wish my Beast could come out and see me.

Well...here is the video of our special day.

If you would, please give it a thumbs up, please subscribe to my channel, hit the notification bell and comment.

My numbers, for me, have been going up and it's humbling and exciting and all that. I cannot say thank you enough.

It means so much to me.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie