Well I deflated last night but it wasn't depression shit, just literally exhaustion. I seem to now live Monday through Friday, focused only on the weekend.
I have been managing to do much better at work but man...my boss. She's something else.
It is what it is.
The pain I wrote about yesterday is gone, twinges on the other side but nothing like what I experienced yesterday.
I'm trying to suck down 8 glasses of water as that seemed to help the situation.
Today, I am going and going and going and y'all know what I'm referring to so maybe I actually was backed up a bit.
I'm gonna fast today just to try and get everything out of me.
Cuz y'girl ain't been feeling so hot.
And last night? Well, I was in bed at 7:30 so I got in 7.5 hours of sleep but I had at least one weird ass dream.
Me no like. It wasn't even a bad dream but I didn't like who was in it.
One of my past lovahs was in it.
He was a one time gig and once was enough for a lifetime, let me tell you.
Why he turned up last night...I actually was thinking about him yesterday. He just came into my head and I shook my head to get him out.
Even Pumpkin doesn't like me thinking about him, she's rubbing up against my leg like...go away.
Now she is chewing on a plastic bag. I guess her father did that too, it's so bizarre the things cats are into, my Grey likes to rip paper up with her teeth...usually in the middle of the night and the sound...terrifying. It wakes me right up and before I am able to fully realize, "oh, it's Grey", there is this fear. Like...whaaaattt is going on right now?
Anyways, I digress.
I am doing my best to get everything done at work and I've been keeping track of everything I do and taking pics of it so if it comes to applying for unemployment, and they fight it, I'll have proof that I tried.
I'm assuming they'll tell me tomorrow if we're going forward.
I'm going to also write down the dates of, and content of, the conversations I had with both my boss and her mom, the owner, so that I have my ass covered there too.
I've never done this before, I've never stuck it out, trying to make it better, trying to make myself better. I would've quit by now but I am standing by my wanting to change things up for the better. In a sense, this is me taking accountability for my past.
And at the end of the day, there is something to be said for being grateful for all of our experiences and I'm not angry anymore, I don't get angry anymore...except for the whole road rage thing and that's much better as well. My personal peace is to important to me to get too worked about really anything. Save it for when I actually need it, ya know?
And I mean, if I were to be all angry and defiant, the thing is, this is 90% me, what I'm going through. The other 10% is them, mainly my boss, and I have no control over here.
I was able to say some things to her mother, and her mother heard me and validated me and just in case they were ever to come across this blog, I'll keep those things to myself.
Yeah no sense in writing it out, that 10%. No sense in it. I can't control it, so it's learn to deal with it in a healthy way and not let it build inside me. Anger kept inside is a gajillion times more deadly and it's toxic...to ourselves.
Maybe it's good I'm feel tired a lot, I'm too fucking tired to get pissed about shit.
I'm on this journey and I'm committed to it and being present and letting myself experience it, is what will bring on the change.
I did another short on my YouTube yesterday and it shot up to over 500 views almost immediately. So I'm not going to post my videos until mid-morning now.
You know the deal, thank you so much!!
I'm very, very grateful.
I think because of what I'm dealing with and trying to process the shame it brings, you know - this job shit, having something I do...reach people, and have the positive response I'm currently experiencing, it's a boost, and I need that right now.
You guys, have a great day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
No comments:
Post a Comment