No Pain or Sorrow

Good morning,

So I just have to be upfront. Cause there is so much going on with me. I made major decisions.

No matter what the cost, I am going to get the insurance that I qualify for through work. I’m eligible as of July 1 so I just have to hang in until then. I am just really hoping I can go to the same clinic that I’ve always gone to or at least that I’ve gone to for the last 5 to 10 years or so.

I need to get my lungs checked. It’s funny because we know that there’s smoke in the air from Canada yet you don’t think of it as something that can really hurt you. It’s officially hurting me.

I am having an incredibly difficult time, giving up smoking and you guys, I can’t breathe in the mornings. I have one of those oximeters that I use and so far my oxygen levels are fine. But my chest is so tight and I just struggle to get breath in sometimes.

My goal is to just let myself smoke with as little guilt as possible, and as little self bashing as possible and then quit on Saturday. And I already told my daughter I don’t wanna be in the car, she’s going to have to get herself to and from work. I am just going to stay home and not smoke for two days and hopefully I can get stuff done. I just know how I am and I am, it’s like I turn into a maniac when I quit. All that emotional stuff then I’m able for the most part to contend with when I’m smoking, comes out and it’s not good for anyone. I don’t want my shit to affect anyone negatively. And I am going to have to be very, very gentle with anyone who comes in my space because I will be vulnerable to things like annoyance, and anger. At least I know these things about myself, and I can be prepared. 

I had some really good days and I stick to what I said about experiencing peace but that’s not the case now.

The last three days, I have been experiencing one of these crashes.

So yeah, once I qualify for Medical, I am going to go into the doctor. I need to have a Pap smear because I’ve had issues there and haven’t been able to be checked in two years, I need a lung CT to see what I’m really looking at damage wise to my lungs, And I need to get back on medication. This time I want the antidepressant that works, but I also want something for the ADHD. My daughter has a standing prescription for the stuff that I use to sleep and I’ve been off of it for almost a month but clearly, I haven’t figured all this sleep stuff out yet and so I’m gonna need something because going days at a time; well you guys already know, I write about it all the time.

My daughter and I had a really good talk last night and I think we both were able to be honest. Sometimes being honest isn’t what other people want to hear because it scares them or it hurts them. We didn’t have things to say about each other so much other than that, we worry, it was more how we’re dealing with life in general.

 

It is so hard to be there for others when you are struggling, but love is Paramount. Love, compassion and kindness.

I am also really seeing how I am with money. It is so easy for me to justify and deny because I’m not buying clothes, I’m not buying shoes or make up, but I spend a fortune on supplemental things and a fortune on skin care things.

So it really isn’t about the things I buy, it’s about buying and the release it gives me. When I say, I am becoming, it’s hitting me from every corner of my life.

I am slowly getting rid of toxicity around me, but now I have to get rid of the toxicity in me.

And while I can’t fix everything right this minute, I can be on the journey.

I have had these incredible moments and they are fleeting but when I have them, I am so grateful.

Knowing peace, contentment, and just trying to find my way through things with eyes wide open, these are very good things.

I have to get through the next couple weeks and it will take time once I am able to get on medication, for it to kick in, but I can do this.

I can do this.

I know this is morose and I try not to be dramatic anymore, but I went down this rabbit hole of watching videos on near death experiences because you just wanna know, you just wanna know that there’s something else. Something better. Something that makes this life worth it.

And the one thing, regardless of how the others experience, God, because that varies, is this complete feeling of love, and acceptance. This complete togetherness and understanding that we all are a part of each other.

And this life, every one of them said, is about love and service.

There is no pain, or sorrow and that’s why we come here, we come here to have this journey and to experience all emotions. I don’t know, I still get tripped up on the whole if you choose your life thing, why would you choose to be a horrible person who does horrible things. Why would that be your journey and why do you get to skate when you do horrible things down here? Like, why is there no repercussion?

I guess I won’t know any of this until I do die and I guess if none of this is real, then I won’t know anything.

Ok, so that’s what I’ve got for you today.

Just going to be honest, I don’t really want to do today. I don’t want to go to work, I did not wanna go to work yesterday, but I did. And I will go today. And I will really just try to focus on believing in the process and having faith that there’s a reason for all of this. That there are some meaning in all of this.

So there you have it.

I’m going to try to have a good day and I am going to hope that you have a good day.

Be blessed.

Love and light,

Neecie