Wild Pumpkins

 

Good Morning!

Aw, Pumps is nearby. She loves to come for cuddles in the morning, whether I'm still in bed or up blogging.

Can you all animal lovers imagine not having this love in your life?

Pumpkin has magic though, I'm convinced of it.

So.

Today.

I am cleaning like a mad woman at the moment and will stop promptly at 8 so I can get ready. Ready for what, you ask? I'm going to see the fairies.

There's a festival about an hour north of here today and I am blessed to be taking a friend's daughter with me.

I'm so excited to see it through her eyes.

I hope it's fun.

I think it will be.

Work sucked yesterday but it's work, what do you do?

I somehow manage to stretch everything out so that my day stays full.

This next week, I'm going to start looking for something else, just casually ya know? Technically, there are just under 6 months until we close for the season. If I do not have a different job, then I will be able to take my vacations.

I said that I'm not going to give up this job, not without another one, and I meant it.

I put up a post yesterday asking people who are on meds for adult adhd to message me with what they take, how it's helped and if there are any side effects.

I want to actually accomplish some things before I croak and you know, I think part of that is getting help with the things that have always held me back.

While I do think that you can't use mental health stuff as an excuse, these issues do matter and they do affect our lives. And it doesn't hurt to address them and get help for them...anyways, I was pleasantly surprised. So many people messaged me, people I would've never guessed have adhd. 

It's pervasive.

But the one thing they all said is that meds have helped them greatly.

I shy away from meds because I feel like I don't feel like "me" but I'm coming to see that "me" without them, is having a very hard time of things and that I have always struggled and wouldn't it be nice not to?

And one friend who messaged me, about her boyfriend, well I haven't talked to her in quite awhile and we're going to get together here in the near future. 

I'm excited to see her.

Today is not a good day in terms of my tummy. 

I lost count of how many times I've gone already and it's only 6:30AM.

I'm just so glad I don't have to go in today.

So glad.

What if we only got one day a week off? I can't bear to even think of it.

Alright, well, I got up early so I'd have time to clean before getting ready for the fair so off I go.

I'm glad I'm getting all this tummy stuff out of the way now so it hopefully doesn't happen while I'm out and about with my friend's daughter.

We were supposed to bring another little girl but her mom has returned my calls or texts and that's OK. She has her reasons.

This is someone I hadn't talked to in quite awhile and we had a falling out and that hadn't been addressed so she may feel some kind of way still, I'm sad for her little one but I understand and it's, like I said, OK.

I will have fun with the kiddo I'm bringing and it'll be a bit more chill with only one.

I got permission from her mom to videotape so I'll be making a video. We are going to change her name for obvious reasons but I won't have to worry about not getting her in the shoot.

Oh! Pumpkin is literally bitching at me. She's going wild, lol.

So on that note, I hope you have a fantastic day. Get out in the sun but by all means, wear your sunblock. I will be shellacked in the stuff.

And thank you for your readership. My numbers hit right where I wanted them to this month and every little bit helps.

Be Blessed!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Purr Baby

Good Morning!

Oh man. I fell into my sweet spot for sleep last night but I did wake up at 3:30 even so. I laid there bonding with Pumps for quite some time.

That lil' fur baby is a purr baby when she's happy. 

Oh you guys. 

Yesterday was something else.

My drive home took almost an hour and a half. I did ask if I could come in earlier but my boss said that they used to require the person in my position to be there until 5 and they knew most people wouldn't want to do that so they gave in and changed it to 4:30. 

I have a lot going on this weekend but I am going to start looking yet again.

May I indulge myself in a bit of self-pity?

Why can't I find a job nearby? Why is it always some major malfunction? Believe me, I know that I have often times in the past been a part of the malfunction, but rest assured, because my mornings now consist of traffic due to our infamous road work and projects, I focus on gratitude the whole way in.

I have to start looking now though, be proactive because I know how I am and I am fighting that this time. Like, it's all good.

There is this sales guy at my job who likes to give me shit but he's relentless and annoying and my boss finally yelled at him yesterday and told him to cease and desist.

You know me and arrogant people.

I don't play.

But again, I got this.

I got a notification on FB that someone had messaged me while I was sleeping and when I read it, I felt so many things but most of all, sad.

It's a woman I know, I want to call her a kid but she's in her 30s now and she lost her son about a year back. 

Man, I can't even imagine. I just can't. So I give her a TON of grace. But my gut tells me there are other things at play here. She created a new page and friend requested me last night. I saw it right before I went to bed, so I accepted it and put the phone down.

This morning, I see a message asking me for $$.

I sent her some money about, I dunno, six months to a year ago? And she kept asking and I kept saying no. I didn't even respond and I'm not going to.

Honestly, if I didn't have this feeling that things are not well, I would help her. I'm not in a position to do much but so many people have helped me, I have always said that giving back, or paying forward, is important to me. It feels amazing to help someone else, I get why people do it but there is that line, right? Of what is genuine help needed or...something a bit darker and I suspect that things are pretty dark.

I love this girl and I always will and my heart breaks for her. I just can't be a part of the problem.

I haven't been feeling good, my stomach really bothers me most days.

But...still, I am OK.

I'm getting through...each day I go to work and deal with the horrid traffic, I say, "You did something today that before would've set you off the edge. Like, you would've jumped. Good job girl."

I still do my affirmations in the car and it really helps set the tone.

My daughter just sent me a pic of the sun coming up over the ocean.

So beautiful.

She'll be home tomorrow, not sure what time though.

One more day, then 2 days off.

A busy two days off; fun stuff tomorrow and then rollerskating and coffee with a friend on Sunday.

You guys...I am so proud of my youngest. She is really trying. Not even trying, fuck trying, she's doing. Taking care of things in the apartment here and budgeting and doing the thing.

And finally, I woke up yesterday with a kink in my damn neck. Said kink is still present today.

Alright, well, so be it.

Onwards.

Everything I do, or don't do...is a choice.

Lately, I have been making good choices. Is it OK to say that I don't like good choices? They are no fun whatsoever.

But they also ensure that I don't feel bad about things at the end of the day.

And with this brain of mine, that automatically wants to lean towards self-flagellation, having less to feel bad about is a good thing.

And so, on that note, I hope you have a good day, a good weekend, all the stuff.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Same Stuff

Hi Guys,

Not to much to add to yesterday's post. 

Same stuff. Not enough sleep, tired, all that.

But I did have a GREAT day at work. I had a stack of paperwork and I just started plugging through it. I did want to share how easily distracted I get and what's below was from about 9AM on throughout my work day.

I am at work, NOT doing this on my work computer. I thought I’d share the thoughts going through my head.

There are ants everywhere in my office. We have tons of Ant traps but still they persist. 

I’m worried after seeing the ginormous spider on my desk yesterday, that one will get into my purse and crawl out while I’m driving, thus causing me to drive off the road and die.

I wonder what everyone is doing in Heaven right now? Do they float around? Sing? Dance? Live a whole nother life in a new realm? If so, is it more kind and loving than this one?

I guess I better do some work.

I don’t want to.

Just go for it, you’ll be done before you know it and then it’ll be time for your next break,

Ok, but after my first break, I’ll be proactive and do some follow up calls before my boss has a chance to ask me to do it.

Oh! Damn. An old friend friend requested me on my old Facebook. I’ll accept and send her the link to my current page.

Christ. It took me forever to just do one but now I know what I’m doing, I confirmed with my boss that it’s correct. Break time.

I want my mom.

I wish my sister lived closer to me.

I wish Beast was here.

Breaks go way to fast.

My work is literally only 12 miles from home yet it takes me 45 minutes to get home. Dumb.

Well I didn’t bring my lunch/dinner to work so what’s it gonna be?

I’ve only drank two cups of water so far.

The bathroom here is SO cold, I literally break out in goosebumps all over before I even sit down.

Ok, got two more cups of water in.

For the love of God, will it just stop raining for more than 2 days in a row?

So HyVee has a full bar where you can sit down and have a drink? Drunken grocery shopping? One can only imagine what I’d come home with.

Fucking ants! 🐜 

Oh my God - Icky B - don’t ask

Why is Plymouth spelled PLY MOUTH? It should be Plimmeth.

Oh man. I have set myself up for a royal adventure this Saturday. Just wait. It’ll be on YouTube. Super stoked!!

55 minutes to go, I’m knockin’ it OUT today.

Just random stuff, my mind never quiets.

I know it's like that for a lot of us.

We are not alone, lol.

Anyways, yes, yesterday was good, it was productive.

The evening was productive too.

Just missed the 9PM memo for sleep. It was well after 10 so I knew I wouldn't sleep well at all.

Gotta work on that too, gotta work on everything and so much and all of it and it never ends!!

But I'd be terribly bored with nothing to work on.

I thought this week would just fly but not so much. It feels like today could be Friday but it's definitely not.

I'm wanting to find fairy wings but I don't know where to get any. I guess they'll have some at the fairy festival I'm going to on Saturday. I just don't want them to break the bank.

Gotta pay rent.

My daughter and my son inlaw have been sending me the most awesome snapchats while they are on vacation. They are on some of the Florida Islands I believe.

So beautiful. I can't wait to take my trips at the end of, and the beginning of, this year and next.

Three big trips in 3 months.

Yay.

Alright, well, I'm on my way towards this day.

So on that note, I shall be back tomorrow AM.

Fingers crossed, I don't fall asleep at my desk, I'm that tired.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Oop!

Good Morning!!

It's a bit better than yesterday. No TV show to get me all emotional. I'll never do that again. It set the tone for the whole day.

Yesterday was a flop. I am still WAY decreased in my smoke intake, not even half a pack but I gave in yesterday on my lunch break because you guys...it was one of those days where everything crashes; gloom and doom, pissed off about the drive into and home from, work.

I could not concentrate on anything yesterday.

I found out I've been doing something wrong that I thought I had down. And I forgot how to do this stack of paperwork she showed me how to do on Friday.

I don't know how to say I just don't learn this way. You have to show me and then watch me and then make yourself available to me to ask questions.

I'm not blaming her but I just think she's so overwhelmed, she wants to throw as much as she can at me and explain and be done with it. I get it. But then the self talk starts, the negative stuff that serves no purpose.

So even though I'm still feeling this doom shit, and I'm physically feeling like shit, I have to up my game today.

I'm looking again. You know, I really want to be at this job and get those 3 months off at the end of November. I mean, that is a huge perk for me.

But the drive alone is awful, just awful. There's nowhere to go on my lunch break. There's no sidewalk along the highway I work off of so I can't go on walks.

But that 3 months off. `

Please don't worry. Yes, part of my cycle is this...I am aware this time and the bottom line is gratitude to be working and earning money.

I've got my cheerleaders out there believing in me and supporting me and I'm not letting anybody, most of all myself, down this time.

I was watching this Steve Jobs commencement speech and he flat out said that no one can be great at something, unless they love what they are doing and I believe that.

I have never loved what I do except when I'm creating. Creation is like blood, it keeps me alive. 

Anyways...I will find my way through this current state of mind, I always do. It would help if my IBS would just calm the hell down. 

I am so sick of getting up in the morning and having to start and stop the things I do several times because...oop, I gotta poop. 

It's...oop, I gotta poop, all frickin' morning long. And I'm tired of it.

I'm processing a video as I write but it won't be ready by the time this entry is done so I'll post it on my WW page after this and then I'll post it right here in the blog tomorrow.

 I'm just gonna try, to have a good day, ya know? And humble myself and ask for help at work.

I can learn these things but again, it takes me longer, not because I'm dumb but because I learn differently than "the box."

Someone I haven't spoken to in quite awhile posted something yesterday stating that she's really going through it, no names here, but I reached out. I couldn't not.

All things cycle and circle through and it felt good to reach out to someone in need when I myself was struggling, got me out of myself.

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Dance It Out

Good Morning,

I am running late again but by my own fault. I wanted to watch the last episode of the Handmaid's Tale.

Wow.

I'm broke. I cried through the whole thing.

No spoilers, I promise.

By now, I would hope you've all seen last week's episode. It slayed me. For all the reasons.

And now, I think I can leave TV behind me for awhile. I have no desire to get caught up in another show...there have been so many, not all deep and dark but time to focus on me, reality, my life.

Yesterday, I don't know how but I did manage to just keep going until I couldn't go anymore, which fell around 3:30. By then, I had my steps in, having gone on a walk in the AM and doing 36 minutes of yoga. 

Because I chose to watch the show, I'm going to be behind on my step count. I'm trying to find a walking path near my work that I can use on my lunch.

I stuck to the smoke limit yesterday and this morning, I was craving one so badly, I had one...outside, not in my car.

What I had hoped would happen, is happening. It made me feel sick.

I have to keep this up. I am not bringing any smokes to work and I know I will have one hell of a drive home, as I always do. 

But this smoking shit runs deep with me and although not the last of the things about me that I'm trying to purge, it is probably the most important in terms of health and money.

But we shall see.

I got so much done yesterday that I actually have food to bring to work.

Tonight...I'm gonna have to dig deep; get my steps in, make food for tomorrow, clean up a bit, facial, shower, all that...and then to bed on time. 

Tomorrow AM will be easier and it's only a 4 day week so I've got this.

I'm just trying to stay grateful for everything that's happening right now because the hell of that 5+ months is over. We made it. We were taken care of; by mom and dad in heaven, God - whatever that looks like to you, family and friends.

And although the need for financial assistance is behind me, the show must go on as they say and I still need support, love and encouragement.

I'm just so grateful.

I'm tired and my tummy hurts a bit, but I am grateful.

And I have 30 minutes to get out the door and do the thing so off I go.

I hope you have a good day, I hope your weekend was full of fun and relaxation. I had a good combination of both in spite of getting so much done.

I think, to pep myself up, that I'm going to dance my way through the next 30 minutes so I can get some good steps in before I have to plop my ass down in my office chair.

Here is my latest video.

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Plusses

 

Good Morning!

Huh, I didn't check yet to see how much sleep I got last night. I can tell you, I'm tired. I feel tired and not necessarily refreshed. So let's check that out now, shall we?

Yeah, not surprised. I got in 5hrs and 19 minutes.

Some of that was a decent amount of REM and Deep though. I've been going to bed later over this holiday. I forced myself to get up this morning, knowing that I have to get to bed by 9 tonight so that I have a good shot at, at least 7 hours before the work week begins yet again.

Fuckin' work week.

I have literally everything in place now...in terms of the extras I do for my health, etc. I'm still waiting on my peachy silk cream to arrive. Since not taking it, since I ran out, I do notice a big difference and I don't like it.

I will try anything and I will pay attention and if it makes a difference, I'll continue to use it.

I'll do a video on all the supplementative things  do and the cost and all that, because it is costly but man, feeling better, feeling alert, energized...these days it's worth it's weight in gold.

Anyways, yesterday was another good one for the books. I won't write it all out, it was a LOT of gett'er done kinds of things and it was a really productive day.

I also didn't smoke until 6PM last night. It was an experiment.

So today, I'm not sure where that's going to lead to, I'll tell you all tomorrow but I will say this. In one fucking day, my cough abated; not completely but it was greatly reduced and last night? My fitbit stats show that my resting heart rate finally went back into the low 40s. 

I guess that, more than anything, really makes me realize that if I'm serious about getting my body to it's optimal (whatever that is at this age) state, I have to quit smoking.

Tangible evidence is pretty powerful stuff.

My sister came out and we went to the pizza place I told you all about. Big thanks to my YouTube buddy for doing that for me.

And I spoke with my bestie for the 3rd day in a row as the sun went down. I was outside by the pool and it was beautiful.

Blessed.

So today, I am going on a list. Because there's a lot to do. So far, I am sticking to "the list."

But can I just wax poetic for a moment on the finer points of Pumpkin? LOL, oh you guys, she comes into my room now every morning, just as the sky is starting to lighten up and she plops down by me and purrs in my ear. She makes bisquits either on me or near me and she and I have this thing where when we greet one another, we do a little head bump. And today, we stayed with our forheads together, just breathing into one another's faces. When I get up in the morning, she follows me everywhere I go, yes, including to the bathroom. She hops up on the counter while I fix all of their breakfasts and then she jumps back up to watch me do the dishes.

Grey is in a little bunch on my bed, she gets up to eat and then usually heads right back. I think she was let down this morning because I made the bed right when I got up this morning. No bunches to nest in. I'll go in there shortly and surround her with throw pills and stuffed animals so she can curl up and reserve her body heat. 

It is a bit chilly this morning but I love that.

I love waking up in the morning and everything is neat and organized (at least as organized as it can be in a matchbox, lol). It just makes you feel organized and ready for the day.

My middle child, my girlie, her and her husband got a place down in Florida for a week. It's a belated honeymoon. She sent us video of the room they got and it's stunning and out the window, is the ocean. They are about a block away from it but they are in a high rise condo situation so when you look out, you just see ocean, you don't see what's below, although she did videotape what's below and it's the pool area and it just so so nice.

You gotta live your life.

I'm happy for them.

I am not booking anything yet for my trips, it doesn't make sense this early on. I realized today, I only have 4 months until our lease is up so I really do gotta move. I'm meeting with someone to discuss all this soon. One person actually answered the post I put up the other day, like with information on what I was actually asking for. 

So I'll see if she charges a fee or how this all works or if she just has advice to give me.

The experience here, at this place, you know the drill, it was a big lesson for me in knowing what I'm getting myself into and not taking the first thing that comes along. I want to do this right this time.

I'll keep you posted. Maybe we can a few days with that one on the back burner.

So yeah, I'm going to jump into my day here, I plan to be in bed by 9 and up at 5 tomorrow morning. I will tell you this, not smoking in the morning, opens up all kinds of time as far as getting things ready for my day.

Another plus.

I hope you all have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Sleeping In

 

Hola Dahhhlings,

Y'girl slept in. I wish I could say that's a good thing but I hate it. It's a waste of a perfectly good day.

And then I have to scramble to do all my "morning" stuff.

But it's OK. I clearly needed it. I've been getting in around 5 hours a night during the week and it seems to be a trend that I then "catch up" on the weekends, which is fine.

I had a good day yesterday.

It was what I like to call a "gentle" day. 

I literally just picked up the apartment, ran errands, paid bills, talked to both my bestie and my friend Tracy, took bougie bath, went for an evening walk, which was beautiful by the way.

Then I picked my daughter up from work, it was late...so I laid around until I fell asleep. 

I listened to music ALL day.

So this thing happened. I was coming out of Ulta and there was a car coming and the girl in the car (it was an SUV if you want to get literal), waved for me to go ahead and cross and then she said out her window as I passed, "By the way, you are so pretty." 

My reaction was probably only seconds but if felt longer than that. I looked back at her to see if she was really talking to me and when I realized she was, I noted how pretty she was; very tiny, young, beautiful blond and I just stood there sputtering and tearing up and finally said, "And you are so nice."

Sadly, and my friend Tracy pointed this out to me, my first thought was, "she's probably one of those people who see awful looking people and want to make them happy so she says something really nice like that."

And Tracy said, "Maybe. But maybe she thought you are really pretty and wanted to tell you that. You do that kind of thing all the time when we're out."

It threw me, it made me cry. It was just so kind.

So yeah, yesterday I got a lot done, I just went through my day. It was good.

I did make a list of boundaries; things I need to put in place for myself and then things I need to assert with the people in my life.

But I think I'd rather share those in a video so I'll do that. I probably won't shoot any videos today, but I will tomorrow. 

A friend of mine, a fellow YouTuber, sent me a gift certificate to my favorite pizza place, it's his favorite too but since moving out of Chicago to Denver, he can't get it anymore so this is the second time he's done this, sent me a gift certificate so it's my sister's fave too so Imma take her out.

She's done a lot for me these past few months. How could I not share the pizza with her, lol.

No, I knew right away when I got the gift certificate that I'd use it on her. I'm not going to get in any skating today, I got up to late so I'm going to go on a walk shortly, as soon as I get all my meditating, vitamin taking shit done and be on with the day. 

While yesterday was very laid back, I would like today to be a good combination of fun but gett'er done.

I talked to the guy at the apartment complex I wrote about yesterday and he said I can definitely come in and tour the unit I want, even if I'm not ready to apply for it.

So that's nice. I want to know what I'm getting into this time. I was just so gungho when we got this place that I didn't look into it all, I just took the plunge.

So at least I'll have an idea of if it'll work or not, when the time comes. I may have to overlap rent for a month, which will make things crazy but I don't care. If I like it, and I can get it...I just want to land somewhere where we can stretch out and feel secure in the knowledge that...ok, this is our landing spot and we're gonna be here at least for a couple years.

I guess there are new rental townhomes and apartments going up in Champlin so I'll be looking into those as well but I will say that many of the newer apartments going up, are the matchbox apartments. They look beautiful but they aren't functional at all.

We shall see.

Ok, well have a blessed day, the sun is shining and I feel rested after a relaxing ass day and I wish for you, a day that is much the same.

Be Blessed.

Love and Light,

Neecie

Unsolicited Advice? Please...No

Good Morning Wayfarers,

How goes it? I slept in and today, I am giving myself permission not to feel any kind of way about that, except for grateful.

I went to bed soooo late last night. I will get back on track this evening.

I was talking to my bestie. When I called her, she picked up the phone laughing. So of course, I started laughing and we had a good talk.

Per the norm, we covered it all.

I drove to pick up my daughter from work so she got to talk to her too a bit before we hung up.

We talked about boundaries and I have mentioned those of late as well.

And how I need not only to set them with others but also with myself. 

And I realized I don't even know what some of them are or need to be. So today, I am going to write out that list.

It's not going to be a huge one, and it's not meant to be a dis on anyone else I need to set said boundaries with, it's about me ya know? And what's best for me. And what's best for me may change.

And today, I want to do a VisionList for the year. I want to set some goals and have them in front of me.

I found an apartment complex we might want to get into. It will all depend on if what we want will still be available when we're looking.

But it gave me some hope.

I put up a fucking status asking if people knew of any private listing companies and everyone and their fucking brother had opinions. 

I will NOT go through FB marketplace. I will NOT be looking to buy a fucking house anytime soon. Oh my God, just answer the fucking question and leave your opinion at the door please. I didn't ask for your opinion or for advice, I asked if anyone knew where private listings could be found.

Jesus.

So annoying.

I literally do think that my biggest pet peeve is unsolicited advice.

I do have people who I ask for advice. And I am not to proud to ask for advice from people I feel may have something of value for me.

But unsolicited? That drives me nuts.

That's a person assuming they know something they don't...about me, about my situation.

It may sound crazy to some that I wouldn't want to buy a house but think about it. With my income, I would only qualify for a matchbox house, which I don't want. Utilities cost a fortune when you own. There are property taxes to consider. There is homeowners insurance, which I believe might be rolled into the mortgage? I have to purchase equipment such as a lawnmower and snow blower and if the water heater goes out...guess who has to come up with the money for that?

It is no longer my dream to own. I'm too old. I give no fucks about that. That's other people forcing their dreams on me. Renting, at my age, is just easier.

Anyways, I am so happy. The sun is shining so bright. I have things to keep me busy and tonight, when I go to bed, I'll still have two more days off.

Yay for two more days off.

I intend to enjoy each of these days, to live fully in the moment and to go at a steady pace.

And what gets done, gets done.

It's all good today.

I'm OK.

I hope you are too. I genuinely do.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie
 

Rumpus

 

Hello,

I am late...again. But I haven't been late to work so that's good.

And I won't be today. 

Just this day.

I get off at 2. Oh my God. I can't wait.

Let the wild rumpus begin!

Wild rumpus' are very different for me these days. They look nothing like they used to. 

But yes, I shall rumpus today.

Got paid.

Yeah baby.

Some asshat in Venezuela is trying to break into my microsoft account.

I got notice of that yesterday.

I changed my password but now everytime I log on, it says I have to sign in to save my shit. I'm going to have to switch it up completely.

I hate that you have to have these accounts now, you have to have them in order to set up a new computer and I don't have a new computer but I had to do that when I got this one.

Ugh.

Well, not a lot to tell you except that the sun yesterday did some good. I had energy and got some shit done last night. I slept almost 7 hours.

So today, life feels doable and that sun is out again oh yes, that sun is out again.

Yay mutherfuckin' ballahs.

K, have a good one.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Worry is a Wanker

 

Good Morning,

Guys, it feels like Friday, how I wish it was Friday. 

Alas, it is Thursday.

I'm on a major burn out. And I've been saying through the last 5 months that I think I'm in the process of hitting another bottom.

It's all the stuff I wrote about yesterday.

I'm very, very tired. I can't breath and it's...I have this cough and I just can't quit. I can't put those stupid smokes down. 

It's so stupid.

I've stopped things in my life before.

Pumpkin is up here, on my desk. She's rather distracting.

Thank God for animals. 

My cats, and Reilli's Pumpkin, they are like my besties. 

Can you imagine a world without them?

I'm not sure what I need to, or want to write about, today. I am tired, the apartment is messy, I feel messy, I'm so exhausted.

I have people close to me who will be traveling soon. I become a bit nuts when this happens because I worry. 

I think that I am the only person who knows how to be cautious, that no one can be as cautious as me, this from the crackhead, lol.

But I do, I worry. I used to worry everyday when I was little, when Dad would leave for work. I didn't like it. I imagined all sorts of things and you know, Dad was just fine.

Sometimes I think I shouldn't come home after work...I should just go somewhere, anywhere, go for a walk or hang out at the bookstore; anything but come home because I deflate and it's getting to me. I feel like I'm not living.

But I think about last Sunday and just...how nice it was and I just have to push myself to keep that happening.

And of course, I am running late again.

I have to go.

The owner of the company came in on Monday and said that she and her husband won't be in on Friday (tomorrow) and that my boss, their daughter, leaves at 2. She told me I can leave at 3 and that she'll pay me for a full day so tomorrow is something to look towards.

Ok, gotta go.

I'm OK. I just have dark times, this is one of them but the sun is shining and it's going to be temperate, warming back up so today can be whatever I want to make it be.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Legitimate Excuses

Hi Everyone,

Wow. I really struggled to get moving this morning. At the end of the day, or should I say, at the end of early morning, my priority is to get out the door on time so that I am not late to work.

My new ethic is that the more I’m on time, the better it is for me if at some point, I have a legitimate excuse for not being on time.

I mean, that should’ve always been the ethic but no time like the present, eh?

I’m really realizing a lot about how I am lately and really seeing the denial I can go into. There is nothing insane going on or anything really bad, it’s just that I realize I make excuses for so many things and my life is passing me by and that makes me very, very sad.

And I am back to that age old tape that plays over and over in my head, telling me that I am helpless, and I can’t change anything.

I can, I know I can. I listen to and repeat affirmations in the car every day on the way to work that tells me I have the power to change my life.

My life is good. But if I want it to continue to be good, and I want to be successful, according to what I view as success, then I have to push myself and for some reason pushing myself just is so difficult. I have no idea why I resist so much?

Is it because I don’t really believe I can do it? Is it because of the whole self sabotage thing?

I mean, that is so unnecessary now. I know that in my head, but I really think I need to know that in my heart.

It’s just these last few weeks of working, I am right back into the old pattern that I always go into when I work. I do nothing when I get home and I am struggling in the mornings with the same thing.

I do not try to do too much anymore and what I have on my lists are doable.

Yet I continue to allow myself to deflate when I get home.

I have just under three years until I turned 60. I know that that is enough time to turn my life around completely.

I am very proud of the changes I’ve made so far and feel good about them.

I need to fight these old tapes once and for all, and just put them the fuck behind me.

That’s all I have for you today.

Thanks for stopping by.

Be blessed.

Love and light,

Neecie

The Days of Cold and Rain

 Good Morning,

I am so sluggish this AM, I need to get going so this will just be a quick lil' post.

It's cold. It's cold in Minnesota and some of you may say, "Ummmm, it's Minnesota."

Yeah, it is but it's also Spring, next month is summer.

In the past week alone, we've had summer, spring and fall.

Geez.

And our apartment shuts off our ability to heat our apartments, usually in May because this kind of thing is rare.

So, yeah.

Freezing.

It doesn't help that my daughter is really sick with a cold and she was actually roasting yesterday and she had the air on when I got home. 

So we haven't been able to warm the place up. I had to go sit in my car twice with the heat on just to warm my bones.

And my IBS...

Honestly, this IBS/tummy/poop stuff; I realized this morning that sometimes I honestly feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with my body.

Historically, I would've already decided not to go in to work but this is not historically, this is now and I am going in.

They had the heat on yesterday but it was still hard to warm up, so I am going to layer and wear some fingerless gloves my aunt sent me some years ago.

And we have days of this weather in front of us.

Slow warming trend by the end of the week.

Alright, well, I've got to get moving or I will be so late.

Latest video:

I hope you all have an amazing day.

If you feel like me and you're really having to push yourself, it's OK. Gentle pushes. Getting ready for work is not going to kill me.

So...

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Good Bad Food

 Good Morning Loves,

Wow. I am really surprised that my back feels OK right now. I went above and beyond my steps yesterday. I was pretty stiff by the time I laid down last night but I'm feeling OK this morning.

I had a great day yesterday and it's...this is how I want my Sunday's to go and why getting everything else on my list done is so important to me.

So I can have days like I did yesterday and be able to really be in it and not thinking in the back of my mind about all I have yet to do.

I went to the zoo to see a special exhibit they had with my sister. It was really for kids but it was fun to see all the creatures and to read about the mythology behind them. They had a Yeti but he was really the Bumble from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and that just made my heart happy.

Then we walked around the zoo itself.

We went to a carnival near where I live and ate what we are now referring to as good bad food. LOL. Some times you just gotta eat the good bad food.

So cheesecurds and french fries it was.

So good.

And then...just because...we went to DQ. Then we went and saw my son so my sister could meet his new kitty. That poor little girl is in heat and was just meowing and sticking her butt up. She is going to get fixed next week but can you imagine being ruled by instinct that way and just...wanting it? Like I said, poor baby.

Then we came back home and my sis hung out with me for awhile and then left.

It was a really good day from start to finish. I stayed busy, I saw fun things, I got in movement which has been sorely lacking of late.

My sister in law from Mexico called me last night and we caught up. She's so sweet. I got to talk to my nephew and my niece too. My brother is traveling so I wasn't able to see him or talk with him (we did a video call) and then I gave myself a facial, took a shower and went to bed and here I am now, about to start my work week again. 

Gotta keep up the grind but yesterday taught me that fun things, relaxing things, interesting things...that are just for me, or just for me and the people I'm hanging with...that's so very important.

And...in spite of eating the good bad food, my tummy is behaving this morning. I've only gone twice.

Tonight is the first night I am going to really make an effort to stick to my list and to still get in bed by 9. This is all trial and error and if what I have on my list is too much, I'll adjust for tomorrow night. 

I am already thinking about this Sunday and what I can do for fun. I do have a lunch/dinner planned as a fellow YouTuber and good friend sent me a gift card to our favorite pizza place. So good bad food is in the plan again but I need to come up with something else as well. Weather depending, maybe I'll go out to one of the lakes in Minneapolis and walk around it after I roller skate, then I can come back and meet my sister for lunch and maybe my daughter and son inlaw and son...I don't know but we're gonna eat the good bad food.

And in this case, it's excellent, amazing, fantastic good bad food.

Pumpkin is on the computer desk with me. She's rubbing up against my laptop, lol. 

Alright, well, I'm good today. I started out right, with some meditation and a glass of water and now I'm having my coffee so onwards I go.

I'm going to ask my boss for help with some of what she gave me last Friday; stuff I had to leave unfinished because I didn't understand it.

I got this.

Have a great day guys.

Be Blessed.

Oh, here's yesterday's video:

Please do the thing if you would...like the video, subscribe to my channel, hit the notification bell and comment. 

I love that and I thank you.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Multi-Tasking

Happy Sunday!!

It's beautiful out, some clouds but sun is definitely shining through, it's chilly but perfect.

You guys, I have a quiche in the oven and it smells so good. I am trying to multi-task this morning so I get out in time. 

I'm going to eat, rollerskate and then go hang with my sister.

I'll be making a video about what we are doing. 

It'll be fun, something different than what I usually do and that's what I really want my Sunday's to be for.

Fun stuff, new stuff, exploring stuff, experiencing stuff.

My sister will not want to be in my video which is A-OK but just so you guys who know her, wonder why, it's just not her jam.

My son doesn't want to be videotaped either and I have no issues with that whatsoever.

But I do want to show you all what I get to see.

So.

I have to take my kid to work so I'll be back by then and after that, I am going to meal prep for tomorrow and just chill.

I know now that my weekends need to have at least one fun thing in them so I feel like it was really a weekend. It's OK to do the catch up stuff and to relax but fun...fun is necessary too.

Yesterday was good.

It went way to fast and I did not get everything on my list done.

But I got the grocery shopping done which helped so much. 

That's always a big piece. I usually go to Aldi first but I just didn't have it in me. 

I got most of the apartment cleaned, I just need to vacuum now and I can do that later, after the fun stuff.

I need to learn to set boundaries on certain things; things I'm not going to write about here. 

But it is something that drives me nuts. 

It's something I may need to learn to loosen up on a little but it still needs put in place.

I picked my kiddo up last night and ended up not going to bed as early as I should but luckily...that's what Sundays are for; sleeping in. Although sleeping in for me, was 7AM. Any later than that and I feel like I've missed the day.

Well, the quiche is out. It's been out, I been smellin' it Eddie...Don't ask, inside joke.

Shot this bad boy yesterday.

Please give her a full view, play it in the background if you want, lol. But if you would do that, like it (give it a thumbs up), subscribe to my channel, hit the notification bell and comment, that would be lovely. 

I very much appreciate that.

I have a new one about to be published but I'll post that one here tomorrow.

Have a great day you guys!

Be Blessed!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Sweater Weather

 

Good Morning!

It really got chilly outside in Minnesota last night. Sweater weather for sure...or hoodie.

Whichever works.

It's been a pooping morning. Hopefully, this will be the last one. I'm getting myself back on track. I have gained so much weight, I feel so uncomfortable in my skin and I am now dealing with lymphedema because my job is so incredibly sedentary and so my calves, ankles and feets are swollen. I have no worries that I can get that under control but it's going to take...yup, motherfuckin' consistency. 

I hate that word but in everything I want to accomplish in my life, that word is paramount.

And I have a list for today but the day is getting away and I start to feel stressed but I'm gonna do my best. I really am.

My daughter has been sick. Slight fever, horrible sore throat, cough and upset tum. I am praying I do not get this. It's one of the reasons I'm trying to hit this weekend so hard, if I get sick, I have to go to work, there is no stay home, there is only go to work...so if everything else is done, then I just have to get through each day and make it home. And I can work on self-care once I get home but...fingers crossed that is not the case, no sickness for me.

I did get paid yesterday, my check just didn't show in my account until 6AM. So we're all good and all set there and most of that check is spoken for but damn...it felt great to make those payments and not have to worry and stress about them.

I will have to use credit cards for groceries this week and I actually, desperately need an oil change but I'm putting that off until next weekend.

I need new tires too and I'm debating on that one, I can get them fairly cheap at Discount Tire. 

And then there's my love, my darling Grey. She has seemed better these last few days but I do think it's would behoove me to get some bloodwork done and see if there's something we can do for her to really boost her quality of remaining life, I mean it's pretty good already I think. I've just noticed her slowing down, losing weight in spite of eating a healthy amount and little stumbles here and there and lots of meowing. She's a vocal girl but not overly so and now everytime I walk into the same room she's in, she meows and meows, she wants a lot of reassurance.

I just think it would be wise to make sure there's nothing going on, that I could fix for her.

Those are the only pressing things that I feel like I really need to address.

My car needs to last for another two years. 

Just two years.

Alright, well, I mean the weekend will be what I make it, but I know that I do not have another weekend of getting basically nothing done in me. I just don't.

I repeat myself when I say I like this job but I also repeat myself when I say that it's OK to admit that I would rather work for me. But I have not been consistent, I have not done what needs to be done...I have lollygagged.

Ballers are consistent.

So.

I start with today and we shall see where I go, where I end up, and what comes to be.

Love you all madly.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Freakin' Weekend

Hi Everyone,

Ugh!

How's that for a good start to a blog?

This is the second week in a row my direct deposit didn't go through. Last week, when my boss checked, it was because the program had defaulted to every two weeks for pay so she changed it and cut me a check. This week, who knows? But it's frustrating because I belong to a little bank that closes at 5 and I don't make it home by 5. The bank is right by where I live.

I do think I am going to have to switch banks. I like my bank but their open hours have decreased over the Covid years and now the drive through isn't even open on the weekends.

So I'm kindof fucked if my pay doesn't go through.

I'll deal with this, it's just frustrating that I even have to. My boss gets in at 6, so I am going to text her then and hopefully, she can figure this out. 

I'll have to leave early today but only by a half hour so I can make it to the bank because she'll probably have to cut me another check.

Thus...ugh!

I was going to pay bills this morning and now...I can't.

Ugh.

Ok, so when life hands you lemons...bla bla bla...it should probably hand me some blueberries and lavender syrup too because that's the only way I like lemonade now...with blueberry and lavender.

Alright, well, I guess go on as if...I have to do the dishes, they have been in the sink for days.

Clean the cat boxes.

All the morning "stuff" that I feel too frustrated to do.

But I shall do them...I am Gumby damnit.

Not really, I just felt like saying that.

So I texted her, she gets up at like 4. I have a hard time letting go of these kinds of things. She's going to look into it when she gets in at 6 and we're gonna wait til my bank opens to see if it goes through then.

Time to let it go until then.

So.

On that note, it's the freakin' weekend, baby I'm about to have me some fun...not really, that's just me following the strange feed in my mind and letting it come out on this blog.

It's beautiful out. 

We've already reached the high for today.

Love it.

Reilli and I planted some flowers in little pots and they have burst through the soil but I had to bring them in because it's going to be so cold at night for the next couple nights.

I can't wait to see the flowers bud and bloom!!

Yay!!

We may have put in too many seeds though. I think I'm going to have to repot them.

But not now, that's one thing that can wait. They are just little tiny shoots right now, they'll be OK.

Like me.

I'll be OK.

I have a list of payments I need to make today so if my paycheck shows up once the bank opens, I'll pay them all from work.

Okie, well anyways, I have got to go do whatever it is I've got to do.

There's always something...

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Two Choices

 Well hello there,

I think I made it. I think I made it through the heat of yesterday. Oh my God, I came into the apartment after work and it was sweltering and I could smell the cat boxes. I've never been able to smell the cat boxes.

I cranked that air right up. I'm not looking forward to the electric bill but...one must do what one must do. 

You know, I've had bad jobs and really good jobs and jobs that were just...jobs.

I like this job.

But this coming home and deflating thing needs to be addressed.

It really does.

It's not the jobs fault. I think it's a twofold problem; one is that I've trained myself to do this so it's what my mind thinks must happen and then yeah, two is that I am genuinely tired.

But enough is enough.

I don't like how I feel about myself. I don't like leaving for work in the morning with a ton of dishes in the sink.

I don't like any of that.

It may be that it's part of my self-sabotage shit and we can't have that this time around. We simply can't.

So.

I have two choices:

• Work and be miserable
• Work and try and figure all this stuff out

I want to figure all this stuff out. 

So tonight; I need to cancel a credit card, I need to get the dishes done and my clean clothes put away and then I need to make my grocery list for this next week. 

That's not that much to do.

Right? That's not a bad list.

And so, I do believe that's what I will do.

Or try to do.

I'm gaining weight very, very quickly. I've put on 16.5 lbs.

My body can't take it.

My mind can't either.

I need to have a meal plan and stick to it and I need to push myself at night.

I'm glad the weekend is coming.

I need the weekend.

And I need to do what I say I am going to do.

That's what I've got this morning; the struggle is real.

But emotionally, I'm better than the last couple days.

So that's good too.

Onwards, little soldier go I.

Always onwards.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Totally My Fault

Hi Guys,

Oh man. Today I am true tired. I didn't go to bed on time. My fault totally. And my daughter had a coworker, a manager, whose last day was yesterday so they were all going out to say goodbye and since I was up when she got home, I agreed to drive her to the restaurant they were going to.

Yeah, it wasn't far but shit got late. 

I could totally go back to bed right now except that you know, I have a job!

And it's a good job.

It's not a job that I want to go away or go away from.

So.

I shall go to work and plug through and my goal is to be in bed by 9 tonight, no if's, ands or buts. Whether I come home and am productive, or come home and am lazy, 9PM bedtime.

Hey, my blog reached over 20K views.

Thank you.

I don't remember when I started this one. I went back and found the old one and was reading through some of the entries. 

Yikes.

I mean, in one sense, much was the same but in the other sense, I sure was mad a lot. Or unhappy a lot. I definitely have suffered from depression this past few months worse than I ever did before but it's weird; I'm not mad at the world anymore, I don't see myself as a victim of being born to this place.

I'm still overwhelmed and depressed but hey...it's all good. Being overwhelmed comes in degrees and I'm not drowning. I'm not there, I feel like I was closer to that before I got the job.

I'm so grateful to the people who helped me. 

But to keep moving forward, I need to be consistent on sleep for sure, like that's got to be a priority and I can't fuck around with it because it's the one thing that affects my ability to function in any healthy way. Or I should say, it's the biggest thing. 

I can tell right now, that it's going to be one of those days where I really struggle to get stuff done and try not to fall asleep at my desk! 

Lord.

Ok, I have to go get ready. I am just dragging my feet.

I did this to myself, it was not outside influences.

Therefore, I must get myself moving and be baller through this day.

Here we go.

I hope you have a great Wednesday. 

My weeks sure do go by quicker now that I'm working.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Baller Training

Good Morning,

Something has changed with my body. The heat that I hate so much? My daughter turned on the air last night because she said it was too hot.

I was freezing. Like,,,painfully cold.

This is not normal. I am a antarctica kind of girl. Or at least I was until now.

Still I know the heat is affecting me. I didn't sleep well. It's that weird conundrum of freezing if the covers aren't on you and roasting if they are.

Because my cat Grey is starting to have some difficulties, I don't like blasting the air because I don't want her getting too cold.

I used to love night time. Now, it's just dark and it lends itself to rumination.

But I feel OK this morning. 

I woke up thinking about my sister, who I love so much and who sent me a lovely text yesterday. I paid that forward by sending my Auntie Steffi a nice text this morning. We all need to know we are loved.

I called my Italian Rose last night on the way home from work and we had a nice chat. Hopefully, I am going to see her on Saturday but I also want, on Saturday to go do this thing at Como Zoo. It's an exhibit of mythical creatures.

And it only costs $10 bucks.

It runs Saturday and Sunday so maybe I could see Rose on Saturday and go to the thing on Sunday.

It's going to be 90 frickin' degrees out today...in Minnesota...in May.

Oh the weather, it is a changin'...

Yeah and hot tomorrow but then it plummets down to the 50s for a few days.

Lord, no wonder my body is in such a funk, it doesn't know what to do with itself.

I guess I should get moving. I've really only just fed the cats so far, lol.

Luckily, my makeup routine for work is an easy peasy one.

As for the job, yes, I continue to like it. They are teaching me more everyday and I am just trying to balance it all and remember that I'm still new to it.

I'm not doing bad or anything, it's just a lot to learn.

I am going in this morning with enough to keep me busy all morning. I think they are anxious to get caught up from all the chaos that came with the person before me leaving.

She had a baby and from everything I can tell, I think she was checked out long before she actually left. There are things filed incorrectly, things she just simply didn't do. 

I get it. If I was heavily pregnant and I knew that soon I'd be off for 3 months and having a baby, I would've checked out too.

But it did create a bit of chaos and I'm doing my best to learn everything they want me to learn and get up to speed so we can then look back and fix some of what's been laying around needing to be addressed.

Both of my bosses, mother and daughter, are grinders. They get shit done.

I think that perhaps this is good for me. It's like Baller training.

I think I said in a previous blog that I'm a beginner baller. I have a long way to go with that but I have good examples.

My sister is a baller, my bestie is a baller, my kids are ballers. Gett'er done, ya know?

I need to start looking around me more, to see the people who are doing the grind and be inspired by them instead of telling myself how tired I am and wishing I'd win the lottery. 

I will never stop wishing for that but I literally sometimes get resentful that I haven't won yet, lol.

Anyways, I need to trust that if others can do it, so can I.

So. Baller it is.

Yeah, the only thing I don't like about the job is the drive home. I leave work at 4:30 and I don't get home until 5:15. 

It only takes me 30 minutes to get to work but you know...rush frickin' hour.

Ugh, even with the sacred route, the secret route I take to stay off the highway for as long as possible, it's so damn long. If I stayed on the highway, my drive would be an hour, easily, if not more.

I wish they'd get another bridge over the Mississippi because it's a flippin' bottleneck.

Today is a good day.

If I fall apart when I get home, lay myself upon the couch and flake out, I mean, that's OK. I like this job, I continue to be grateful for it and I'm working hard while there so it goes relatively quickly.

The cash gig? She hasn't reached out at all. I know her oldest is graduating this month so things are probably hectic for her.

But I do hope she'll call. I may send her a text letting her know I've settled into the day job and that I'm available for her on the evenings I told her I would be.

It could be she needs more help during the day, I don't know.

But I'll try.

Ok, well, off I go to live my life...another day, another dollar, another sigh, another holler, I am a grinder and I'm a baller.

Got it? Me too!

Have a great day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Yearning

 

Good Morning Er'body,

Ah, well, not enough sleep again. I'm on a roll here. Woke up and cried. But I think part of it is the full moon thing, this is how I roll. I don't fight it, let it get out I figure. 

Lots on my mind, things about my brothers, the two I don't speak to. Weird dreams about them. I'll do a video on that whole situation soon.

Nothing bashing, just you know, I talk about what I'm thinking about, what I'm going through and experiencing and how I navigate it and it turns out I have thoughts about all that.

I had a good mother's day. I was pretty wiped out from Saturday night. This ol' gal isn't used to being up so late, getting all that fresh air and dancing and laughing and having a good time in general.

It was a good thing, it just wiped me arse out.

But my mom called me in the early AM, so we talked, then when my youngest got up and got ready for work, she asked me to stop at Starbee's so she could get me a coffee.

I was happy to oblige her. 

Then my middle, my Rhi, and her hubby came over with lunch and a gift. It was her birthday. Sweet, sweet girl. I had given her her gifts the night before, at her party. But the real gift is that they came over and spent some time. 

I love my family.

It was a good weekend for me. 

I did not see my son but I respect where he's at. We're good, that's what counts. I love that boy so much it takes my breath away.

He texted me and that was a gift too.

My kids...man, those of you who have littles right now, suck that shit up and bask in it, because there will come a day when everyone is working, setting up their adult lives and you will miss them terribly. You will yearn for the days that seemed so exhausting and tiring.

You will yearn for them.

I was stuck last week, I gave myself last week to acclimate to working but I gained God knows how much weight and it just...wasn't good so I'm trying and I'm not hitting my morning goals but at least, I got up, I meditated, I've drank 2 cups of water so far and am now having my coffee. I'm going to shower and get dressed and I mean, we'll go from there.

I get so hungry at work and I didn't prepare anything to eat. That's probably one of the biggest things I have to work on, is making time for that.

We shall just see how this day goes.

I'm hoping for some movement tonight and it doesn't have to be anything major, just movement, no crashing out.

If I go to bed early, that's OK, but no crashing out right when I get home.

No, no, no.

I found something I want to do next weekend. I have to see if anyone wants to do it with me.

I'll write about it if I go. It's only ten bucks so you know, that's not bad.

Anyways, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna have a good, productive day.

That is the plan for now. I will adjust accordingly.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Parties

 

Good Morning,

To all the Moms in all the ways someone can be a mom, Happy Mother's Day. 

You guys, I had a great night last night.

I literally never go out at night anymore and so this was something different. My daughter had a birthday party out at her mother inlaw's place, where she and her husband live.

My son inlaw grilled hot dogs and there was fruit and potato salad and pasta salad and chips and dip and all that good stuff.

There was music. 

And it was...marvelous.

My sister came out to, she picked my youngest and I up and we all went together.

I can't even tell you how much fun it was. My son inlaw's mom? So obviously I've met her before and we talked but last night, my sister and I got to know her better and she is so beautiful and funny and has a great laugh and the three of us? I'm sorry, we were the life of the party. We were trying to school these "kids" on how to party. We were dancing and laughing and I just can't tell you how much I needed a carefree, fun night like that.

It's one not to forget.

I've always been more fun sober. I'm obnoxious when I drink, or I want to leave and go on to the next thing or I get all Debbie Downer. No one was drunk. It didn't bother me at all that I wasn't drinking, it rarely does. 

I'm just better sober.

And I had fun. 

I think everyone there had a good time. There was a bonfire and it kept us warm as the sun set. The property is gorgeous, it's off a really large pond and there are swans and my sister and I saw what we think was most likely a beaver, we saw some large birds settling in across the water...eagles maybe? The moon is almost full and was shining brightly down on us.

I needed that. It made me realize how much of my life is spent inside...not really doing to much of anything but sitting there thinking about all I want to be doing...oh Denise.

I have no plans for Mother's Day. My youngest works at 11:30 and she said she'd like to do something when she's done working.

I think I might see my birthday girl today at some point.

When they grow up, you have to share them with everyone else.

It's their day too, my kids, because they made it possible for me to be a mom.

The full moon approaching is affecting me. I've been crying all morning. My mom called me early this morning and we chatted but I got off the phone and man...cry, cry, cry.

Even when I'm happy, I cry.

But...the sun is out today too. It's gorgeous out.

So, let's get on with it. One great night under my belt this weekend and hopefully, a great day today.

I hope you enjoy yours.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Put Yourself Out There

 Good Morning,

Screw TGIF, TGIS man! Had trouble sleeping but was able to go back to sleep and only on a Saturday can I do such a thing. 

So worth it.

Still didn't hit even 6 hours but it's something. 

I was teary this morning and then I remembered, oh...yeah...full moon on Monday. So here we go for the next night or so with the sleeplessness and the emotions being all over the place.

So...Pumpkin. I love that cat. I love her so much. I got a fever and the only cure is more Pumpkin.

Pumpkin is my cowbell folks.

So I left my charger for my phone at work. I am not going to drive all the way in and it probably isn't a bad idea to get one to have at home anyways.

So I have to do that today. 

My daughter is having a birthday party tonight and I'm gonna go to that. Cannot wrap my head around the fact that 28 years ago, I was beginning labor. She wasn't born until the next day but it was all beginning. 

I would give anything to go back. It's so hard to believe.

She was precious. Of course, there are funny stories about her birth that we all tease her about to this day but she was the cutest lil' peanut.

I'm just going to try and do whatever until then, I mean productive stuff for sure but we have to be out there by 4 or so I believe so...not a whole day to do my thingee thang but for a good reason and time spent with my girls. 

I have to get bug spray. They live by a lake and I can't quite afford to get my nails done yet so the picking is OUT of control. And while my youngest doesn't pick like I do, she itches her bites and they scab up and she itches them off. She gets scars. So bug spray it is.

I see a Target run in my immediate future. I also won't be able to do bougie bath tonight, just a quick shower and take off my makeup, so I'm going to do that today. 

This last week was ALL over the place, so I just want to hone that in now. I gave myself that one week to see how things would all fit together and I took advantage of my allowing myself to be lazy and take it all in. 

Go time.

It's beautiful out. It really is. I think it's supposed to get into the 80s. We are fast approaching air conditioner weather.

Ugh.

Another expense.

You know what though? I couldn't do anymore winter so I'm on board for summer this year. I will figure things out. I really will.

On that note, I suppose I should get going. No lazy for me today. No lazy for me tomorrow either but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I hope you all have a great day. Put yourself out there today. Enjoy. Do your stuff, be a baller but like...literally...take time to smell the flowers too.

Here's the last of my jobsearch videos. This one is on interviewing.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

A Little Worked Up

 Good Morning,

Oh, Little Pumpkin just came to sit by me and rub up on my ankles. I love her so. She cracks me up. I wish I could stay with her today. I have no motivation.

Tummy hurts.

It's been hurting a lot lately.

And I went down a rabbit hole last night. I got a little worked up and that always ends with me waking up and feeling what I like to call an emotional hangover.

And rabbit holes are such a waste of time. There is literally nothing I can do about the rabbit hole I went down. 

Nada. Nothing.

But. I'm also running late. I mean I'll be to work on time, but I have to get makeup on and get dressed.

I have a funeral today.

I also have not gotten paid yet. It was supposed to go through for today. So I'll talk to my boss as soon as I get in. 

But it's frustrating. My bank isn't open after 5 and is closed on the weekends. I'm going to be switching over to a bigger bank because of it but if they end up having to cut me a check, I won't even be able to deposit it.

I'm sorry, I'm a dud this morning, my mind is running on too many other things.

I'm going to go get ready and I shall be back tomorrow. 

TGIF.

For sure.

2nd of my Job Search videos. Please give the video a thumbs up, and subscribe. I appreciate you.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Consistent is Non-Existent

 

Hello There Peeps,

I actually don't have much to say.

Job is good, drive home sucked yesterday but it is what it is. Others have learned the sacred route, it's a shortcut alongside of the highway. It took me an hour to get home but had I been on the highway, it would've been an hour and a half or more, just for a little 3 to 4 mile, if even, strip of road. The only other way home is congested as well.

And I thought about driving further out another highway, but yeah...also conjested.

But...it's OK.

I was super tired when I got home but I ran errands. Much needed errands. And to get my daughter her birthday gifts. She falls on Mother's Day this year. She was born on Mother's Day, my little gift that year.

So it felt good to be out.

Mojo. I need my mojo, my get up and go go, my motivation yo! Mojo.

But at least I did something. Oh, yeah, I also got all the dishes in the washer put away. But there's more, there's always more and it's stressful.

I'm a little crabby and a little tired this AM.

I ran out of the prescription stuff for sleep but the thing is...I don't want to have to keep taking it but I might have to until I can get myself into a consistent pattern in the evenings...

It doesn't feel consistent, it feels next to nonexistent because of the tired thing.

But I have not been napping. That to me is super important, because if I take a nap, first of all, I wake up crabby and uncouth (lol) and then I struggle with actual sleep at bedtime. 

So no naps.

Can't do it.

I still like the job, they keep me busy and at the end of the day, I'm so OK with that. Busy work that I can do, it's good.

I haven't felt too overwhelmed yet. I had to ask a lot of questions yesterday and my boss is so busy but she didn't make me feel bad about asking questions.

Eventually, I'll get all this. I have to remember, I have only been there for one week.

Tomorrow I'll have a little break in my day but it's to go to a funeral so that is sad but it'll be good to see everyone.

Anyways, here I am not in go mode, when I need to be in go mode so I'm going to sign off. 

I did shoot this little job search series, it's nothing professional and nothing most people don't already know but I just thought...what the heckers.

Ok, well, have a great day guys, push yourself the tiniest little bit today. I did last night and it felt good to be able to say, "Hey, I did something."

Here is a little diddy I made about resumes and job search:

Thanks guys, I hope you have a fantastic day.

Be Blessed!

Love & Light,

Neecie

500lb Bells

 

Good Morning,

I am running soooo late. I forgot to put my alarm on but I only woke up 20 or so minutes late. It's amazing how quickly the crabbies get me.

I did manage to get the dishes done last night. 

There were soooo many.

Ugh.

But now I need to take a quick shower, all that stuff that I don't want to do when I'm feeling rushed but whatever.

I did post a video yesterday, which I'm not sure if I posted on my blog or not, but here is the one I posted today. It's a long one...20 minutes or so but it's about some things that happened, or didn't happen I should say, in regards to me reaching out to some folks who never responded.

We all go through "stuff."

At the time of this writing, I'm over it but the simplest of things can take a bit of time for me when I'm hurt by someone. The difference now is I sit in the hurt and evaluate it, I don't react to it in anger and I don't retaliate.

When I look back at how I was, I'm just like....woooooooowwwww.

I was an eggshell person, meaning you had to walk on them around me. 

Not good.

But now you could wear 500lb bells and smash them shells cuz it's all good.

I am struggling with weight gain and this laziness after work stuff. I've got to find a way to push through all this.

It doesn't feel good.

I guess I better get going if I'm gonna make it to work on time.

Here is the most recent video. Please like it (give it a thumbs up), subscribe to my channel, hit the notification bell and comment if you would. 

Thank you :)

Alright, be blessed my friends!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Plowing Through Won't Work

Hi Guys,

Whew. You know, I did get enough sleep last night but I went to bed at like, 8. I was so tired. And my back. No good, no good.

I can move around, I can walk but going from sitting to standing is kindof awful.

And I didn't poop yesterday so I am so bloated this morning, although I have already gone 4 times this morning so hopefully, that will change the bloating status.

If laying down and taking it easy when I get home from work is what it takes to nip this thing in the bud, then I'll do that. I can't miss any work.

I have to miss a bit on Friday to attend a funeral but I'm going to work first and I'm coming right back. I don't like having to miss time, not so early in the game but this is my Aunt Gladys who was 103. She was the last of the elders so to speak. And it might be the last time I see that side of the family. All of our cousins were really my dad's cousins and so were his age, they are my second cousins I guess? I don't know how that shit all works.

Anyways, while I know I need to get out of the practice of hitting the couch once I get home, right now, it seems to be on hold because of my back. It's pretty stiff this morning. 

I think it was probably the cash gig that I've doing, although she hasn't asked me to help at all this week. It's the standing in place that almost always does this to me.

I'm still gonna do it though, if she texts. I need that dinero.

Ugh, I'm running out of time so I better get moving. Right now, today, it's about getting to work, doing a good job, and just taking care of my back.

I have to learn to deal with what's right in front of me instead of trying to plow through everything else, things that can wait.

I did post a video today, just another VisionList Update.

These videos are time consuming but they bring me joy so I might as well keep going with them.

I'm not sure but one of my debts, a student loan, a very small one I mention in this video, seems to be gone. It was only on one of my reports and now it's gone. Vanished. Soooo, what does that mean because I was going to pay that shit this month. I've got it in the budget to do so. With Trump coming down hot on these loans, I don't want to risk anything.

Alright, I guess we'll see on that one too.

I'll update in my next video as I'm not even sure who to call about this. My previous report had a phone number on it but now that debt isn't listed at all so I'm not sure how to figure this out but I will.

Have a great day guys.

Do some core work so you avoid back problems.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie