Two Choices

 Well hello there,

I think I made it. I think I made it through the heat of yesterday. Oh my God, I came into the apartment after work and it was sweltering and I could smell the cat boxes. I've never been able to smell the cat boxes.

I cranked that air right up. I'm not looking forward to the electric bill but...one must do what one must do. 

You know, I've had bad jobs and really good jobs and jobs that were just...jobs.

I like this job.

But this coming home and deflating thing needs to be addressed.

It really does.

It's not the jobs fault. I think it's a twofold problem; one is that I've trained myself to do this so it's what my mind thinks must happen and then yeah, two is that I am genuinely tired.

But enough is enough.

I don't like how I feel about myself. I don't like leaving for work in the morning with a ton of dishes in the sink.

I don't like any of that.

It may be that it's part of my self-sabotage shit and we can't have that this time around. We simply can't.

So.

I have two choices:

• Work and be miserable
• Work and try and figure all this stuff out

I want to figure all this stuff out. 

So tonight; I need to cancel a credit card, I need to get the dishes done and my clean clothes put away and then I need to make my grocery list for this next week. 

That's not that much to do.

Right? That's not a bad list.

And so, I do believe that's what I will do.

Or try to do.

I'm gaining weight very, very quickly. I've put on 16.5 lbs.

My body can't take it.

My mind can't either.

I need to have a meal plan and stick to it and I need to push myself at night.

I'm glad the weekend is coming.

I need the weekend.

And I need to do what I say I am going to do.

That's what I've got this morning; the struggle is real.

But emotionally, I'm better than the last couple days.

So that's good too.

Onwards, little soldier go I.

Always onwards.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie