Integrity...Me?

 

Hi Guys,

Was not expecting to be sitting in front of my home computer at 9:24AM today. It is what it is.

I would highly encourage you to read the blog I posted this morning so you're up to speed as I don't feel like going over everything again.

I spoke to my recruiter as soon as I got in this morning. I updated her on all that occurred yesterday and she agreed that today should be my last day, that none of this was a fit for me.

She also explained that the staffing company she works for, explicitly does NOT place for sales positions. 

Here's where I feel a little taken advantage of and I'm not trying to assign blame, I'm trying to wrap my head around what just occurred.

So, I believe her when she says that she didn't know this was a sales position. 

So why did the company I went to work for not express that this job was at least 50% sales? Is it something they did on purpose because they figured they could just get someone in and lay it on them once they were there? 

I also found out that the owner really pushed back on lowballing the pay grade when my recruiter said that my pay should be higher.

So.

I will never know because this is all a game, the whole recruiting thing, you know temp to perm or temp/contract thing.

It's a game. And you have to know how to word things and kiss ass a little in order to be a contender.

And I did that.

So I will never know the real deal.

But I am also at peace with how I handled this situation. I did not just walk out, I did not let my emotions get involved.

I handled the barrage of questions from the owner yesterday with maturity and I held my own ground. 

So many people told me to "play the game" until I found a permanent solution but you guys, that's not me. These people were really nice to me. 

You have to understand that for me, dishonesty is a bad, bad thing and omission or outright lying, that's a direct line to drugs for me. That is drug addict mentality. This goes deeper than just paying the bills. 

I want to make it clear that I was willing to stick around while they found someone else and I offered that. And I would've honored it too. But I could not bold face lie, assuring them I was their girl, only to leave when what I'm really hoping for turned up.

I couldn't do it. Especially after looking the owner in the eye yesterday and assuring him I wouldn't do that.

So I went in and spoke with the Director I've been working with/for. He is so nice and I had to tell him that no, this was not for me and ask him what would be best for him and the company. He was not surprised at all. And he said he agreed with my decision and so appreciated my honesty. The word integrity kept coming up and you guys...it fucking makes me cry that integrity was a word used to describe me.

That it's a word I feel like I deserve. 

You guys, I've never felt that way about myself.

I don't know how these things changed but they did. I'm not here saying I'm perfect or wonderful or whatever but I am here saying I have changed for the better and I'm willing to stay on this path and just keep trying.

Integrity always seemed like it'd be easy but it's not. It's not at all. It seems like it'd be so much easier to lie and cheat and grab what I can from whoever I can to get myself to the next step but...not for me, not anymore.

I am in tears as I write this because I'm fucking terrified, frustrated and overwhelmed but I'm also really fucking proud of myself.

I am.

I've never felt this before.

I think it's my mom. Yeah, I take responsibility for my own growth and changes but going through everything I did with her and then...you know, since she left this place and then the dreams...she's still my person.

I don't believe in any particular "God" but I believe in something and I believe Momma is with me.

So.

I'm gonna be OK. I'm gonna figure this all out.

So for today? I'm gonna give myself a moment and then I'm going to start my day over again and really...no plans. I already know what has to be done here.

So I'm not going to go to bed until bedtime. I'm going to keep moving all day but at a steady pace. And I'm going to do that tomorrow and the next day too.

Thank you, all of you, who read this on a regular basis and who send messages of hope and support. My blog has changed too hasn't it?

I appreciate you all so much.

Biggest hugs to all of you.

Love & Light,

Neecie