Oop!

Good Morning!!

It's a bit better than yesterday. No TV show to get me all emotional. I'll never do that again. It set the tone for the whole day.

Yesterday was a flop. I am still WAY decreased in my smoke intake, not even half a pack but I gave in yesterday on my lunch break because you guys...it was one of those days where everything crashes; gloom and doom, pissed off about the drive into and home from, work.

I could not concentrate on anything yesterday.

I found out I've been doing something wrong that I thought I had down. And I forgot how to do this stack of paperwork she showed me how to do on Friday.

I don't know how to say I just don't learn this way. You have to show me and then watch me and then make yourself available to me to ask questions.

I'm not blaming her but I just think she's so overwhelmed, she wants to throw as much as she can at me and explain and be done with it. I get it. But then the self talk starts, the negative stuff that serves no purpose.

So even though I'm still feeling this doom shit, and I'm physically feeling like shit, I have to up my game today.

I'm looking again. You know, I really want to be at this job and get those 3 months off at the end of November. I mean, that is a huge perk for me.

But the drive alone is awful, just awful. There's nowhere to go on my lunch break. There's no sidewalk along the highway I work off of so I can't go on walks.

But that 3 months off. `

Please don't worry. Yes, part of my cycle is this...I am aware this time and the bottom line is gratitude to be working and earning money.

I've got my cheerleaders out there believing in me and supporting me and I'm not letting anybody, most of all myself, down this time.

I was watching this Steve Jobs commencement speech and he flat out said that no one can be great at something, unless they love what they are doing and I believe that.

I have never loved what I do except when I'm creating. Creation is like blood, it keeps me alive. 

Anyways...I will find my way through this current state of mind, I always do. It would help if my IBS would just calm the hell down. 

I am so sick of getting up in the morning and having to start and stop the things I do several times because...oop, I gotta poop. 

It's...oop, I gotta poop, all frickin' morning long. And I'm tired of it.

I'm processing a video as I write but it won't be ready by the time this entry is done so I'll post it on my WW page after this and then I'll post it right here in the blog tomorrow.

 I'm just gonna try, to have a good day, ya know? And humble myself and ask for help at work.

I can learn these things but again, it takes me longer, not because I'm dumb but because I learn differently than "the box."

Someone I haven't spoken to in quite awhile posted something yesterday stating that she's really going through it, no names here, but I reached out. I couldn't not.

All things cycle and circle through and it felt good to reach out to someone in need when I myself was struggling, got me out of myself.

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie