Please Read

Hi Everyone,

So. I have come to some conclusions. I don’t think I need a list anymore of all I want to change. I think I want to change everything.

And I also came to the conclusion that perhaps, for now, this blog has served its purpose.

What that purpose is or ever was, I’m not sure.

With everything I’ve gone through in the past two years and now add to it, a diabolical orange rogue tearing up this country and eating the shreds, I’m just not doing well.

There are things I don’t allude to in my blog anymore. I withhold a lot.

I used to put my whole life out here and I don’t do that anymore. Partly, because when I used to do that, it was motivated by the Borderline Personality Disorder I didn’t know I had. Like…here’s all my dirt, I dare you to still like me. 

It was ego driven, albeit a sortof maniacal pride in reverse thing.

So for the sake of this blog, and I’m gonna keep it open for one more day, let me just lay out some of the things I struggle with.

Luckily, drugs and alcohol are off the table. Some alcoholics who are not sober, will continue to drink, regardless of physical illness. The few drinks I’ve had, I didn’t get drunk or anything, and they didn’t trigger me to go use my drug of choice, but what I realized is that with all my stomach stuff, my body just does not tolerate alcohol. And so for me, I would rather just not drink any because I hate the feeling of pain and I hate the feeling of being sick. For me, that is enough of a motivator.

And as far as drugs, there is no desire whatsoever to revisit that part of my life. I really and truly believe that that is behind me.

What is not behind me is shame. And I have shame about everything you guys. I have never had self love. I realize I appear to many to be confident and have a high self-esteem, but that’s all bravado. The self talk that goes on in my head is devastating.

I talk to myself about my yellow tooth and how I can’t afford to get it fixed, I’ve gained weight, and that comes with a whole slew of re-triggered trauma. Living the way, we’ve been living, and constant anxiety, and fear over finances, has worn me down to an empty shell. The only things that bring me joy is my family, the few friends I choose to engage with still and my cats.

If it were up to me, I would climb in my bed and snuggle under the covers and read all day.

I can’t seem to stop crying. Usually, it comes in waves, but I started yesterday afternoon, and I haven’t stopped. Every time I woke up last night, the tears started immediately.

I do think that some of this is hormonal and I do think I probably need some kind of therapy, not to go over my past again, but to talk about life because for me, it has so little meaning. I’m stuck in this, “I didn’t ask to be here” thought process and questioning why anyone would want to be here when the world is the way it is.

And I don’t want anyone to freak out, anyone who’s reading this, this is not a swan song, this is not suicidal ideation, there is none of that going on. Like, I’m in this for the long haul whatever the long haul is.

I set myself up with my videos and with my blog because I write of all I want to accomplish and then I don’t accomplish shit and then I feel, yes you got it, more fucking shame.

They say that children do not listen to what you say, but rather, they watch what you do. And I watched my parents abandon me.

And while I no longer blame them, and I have a deeper sense of understanding of these things, it seems to me that I was abandoned over and over again. 

I’m not going to write out anything about that. I need to work through that so I can come out on the other side. I just think that when it comes to me and my sister, and I’m not speaking for my sister, she has not said this to me, but I feel in many ways that many of the people who were supposed to love us the most, abandoned us over and over again, in the sense that we were never a priority for them. Our grandparents were the only ones who prioritized us. I have an Aunt too, my Steffi, who made me feel very loved and cared about.

I don’t think that people realize that I see this, that I am very, very aware of it. And that it hurts me deeply still.

Again, no specifics because that’s not what this blog is about.

The only way through any of this, is through it, right? And I feel that this blog is a part of the problem at this point. I have never been able to achieve what I want to achieve with this, and that is to share the journey and to come out on the other side and maybe help others to do so as well.

It makes me feel like a fraud.

I’m sure that’s my shame talking.

But let’s be honest, there is some truth to it as well.

I think I need to build from the ground up. I think I need to find my strength and my intention. I was able to get some journals at Barnes & Noble. I had gone to get one and they were ridiculously expensive and something told me to go look in another section and they had more of them and they were on sale for a ridiculously low price.

So instead of blogging, I am going to journal this journey from here on out and at some point, I may choose to share that with the world.

Willows whimsy needs an overhaul too. I have played at this thing for long enough and it’s either shit or get off the pot. I have been saying for years that I just want the opportunity to do it the way I want to do it and if it takes, it takes and if it doesn’t, well, then at least I know I tried.

So that brings me to where things are at today.

Tomorrow morning, I am going to delete this blog. I am then going to delete my Willows whimsy page on Facebook.

I’m going to create two separate pages and one of them will be for Willow’s whimsy and I may hold off on that one until I actually have a plan and some products.

But I will create another one and I have no idea what it’s going to be called, where I will share some updates from time to time, not my long diatribe posts, but just little things and I will share mental health, things in progress and my YouTube videos because YouTube is not going away.

I will announce all of this on my personal Facebook page, so look for that as it evolves.

And at some point, I may decide to do a blog again, but it’ll be very different than it has been.

So I just want to thank everybody who’s always supported this and read it and reached out to me at various times when I really was struggling and it was really dark.

I am really struggling again and it is really dark again, but it is not like I said, the end for me.

My hope is that something new will come out of this.

There are things I know about myself and there is so much I don’t. I know that I’m not living the life I want to live. Some of that comes down to acceptance, but there’s a lot of things I could do, that I don’t. I don’t because of depression and anxiety and the tapes in my head that constantly play and tell me I’m not worthy, that I can do it tomorrow. You know, same old, same old.

We are living in times unprecedented and not only am I on a journey to find myself, but to find myself in all of this. To find my place in it.

Again, thank you so much for all the love over the years and support.

It has not gone unnoticed.

With deep love and gratitude,

Thank you!!!!

Denise