Possible "Fixes" NoNo

 

Good Morning!

I only got 5 hours last night but since giving in and getting some edibles, I'm at least sleeping that in one chunk with few wakeups.

So today is doable.

Ok, so yeah, we're gonna lose the apartment. I have until Saturday to pay the rent so miracles can happen but I think maybe we're beyond that and I have to sit in that and accept it.

It doesn't mean I will stop looking for a job. I plan to spend much of my time doing that today.

I keep having these moments where my chest gets so tight and it's scary.

It's stress.

I'm trying. I'm also trying to stay off my phone again, off of FB. It's dragging me even deeper into the abyss that is stretching out before me.

I was talking to my sister about my struggles with certain jobs I've had and then I was talking to my bestie yesterday and I realized something.

Now don't get me wrong, in my lifetime, I have blown so many wonderful opportunities...usually because of my addiction issues but many of the jobs I walked out on, all the reasons I gave were bullshit. Most of them, it was because I was getting close to being "found out." What I mean by that, is that I start to fail at jobs, sometimes quickly, sometimes much, much later. But it almost happens. I get scared of new tasks, I get overwhelmed by some of the daily stuff...and I freeze. I do this in every aspect of my life, it's not uncommon. I don't want to do it, for whatever reason, and I freeze. And my output suffers and I know that a firing is coming, so I walk. And I create all sorts of reasons. Even this last contracting job, all I had to do was sales but that comes with so much pressure. Because they watch your numbers and who you bring in and it was so overwhelming.

Should I have stayed? 

I just don't know.

One of the things that came up in a conversation I just had, is the self-sabotage thing with jobs mirrors exactly what I've done with relationships in my life. I'm going to leave you before you leave me. And I find all sorts of justifications and the such. 

Some of them are legit but seriously, I have so much respect for my bestie. It took her almost 3 resumes, out of that, only 11 interviews and 9 months to get another job. And she stayed in the one she was miserable at the whole time. And she doesn't like the one she's at now either but there she is and she's staying put until something else comes up. Why do I struggle so much with being able to do the same?

My point is, I need to learn to push through if I hate something. And I think with the right job, a permanent job, that I can do that.

I just need to convince these employers of my worth. And I guess I need to start believing it myself.

I just applied for yet another county job.

And I just talked to my sister. Which one?  I have 3.

Yes, that's right. I have 3 sisters.

So I talked to one of them.

Ok, well, listen. 

I'm trying not to bury my head in the sand here. The only thing I know to do is to keep trying and just...see what can happen here.

I need to stay busy now. Now is go time. Now is just suck it up and push through girlfriend.

So, this day needs to be full of it all. 

I think I can do that...for one day.

But I have to stay focused and that's not easy for me.

So here I go. 

Believe. Faith. 

Stay strong.

Buy lotto tickets.

Got it.

Annnnnnd I'm out for today.

I know not everyone reads my blogs either but if you're someone I'm close to, talking about this doesn't help. I won't take phone calls right now from anyone other than my sisters, my mom, my kids or my bestie.

I don't have time.

And I don't want to talk about possible "fixes" anymore, I just want to know if you have job leads. And you can text or message those to me.

I can't do it.

It's way too stressful.

I hope you all have a great day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Difference Between Choice and Frozen

Good Morning,

Well, another night of little sleep but I'm OK. Deciding to give myself permission not to worry about a job or even look for one yesterday was a massive relief. Not feeling those drops of adrenaline when I think about it, not feeling sick to my stomach, being able to breath...what a difference.

Constantly living in worry and stress, it's not good. Eventually, it'll kill me before my time; either because it ruins my physical health or because I finally give in to that desire to be with mom and dad.

I need joy, I need peace.

And yesterday, I experienced some of both.

You know, sadly, it did not affect my sleep for the better.

But here I am this morning and I feel alright.

A huge, massive thank you for the support I got regarding the shooting and posting of a new video to my YouTube channel.

See, why can't I feel that kind of joy at a job?

I don't know.

Not all of this can be my mental health shit, some of it is just how I'm built ya know?

But whatever.

I had a good day.

Here's the vidoe:

What a difference it makes, attacking things you've been putting off, not because you feel you have to but because you are allowing other things to fall by the wayside, if even for a day or two.

So, yeah.

Ummm, I don't know what's in store for today other than dropping my daughter at work and later meeting up with my sister.

Tomorrow morning, I'm meeting another friend for breakfast.

Things are OK.

So in between dropping my daughter off shortly and then meeting my sister, I don't know what the day holds. I have made no decision this morning, other than to meditate and do my Wim Hof breathing stuff.

I don't know anything right now. I just know that yesterday was like this oasis in the desert of stress and anxiety and yeah, shame too about this situation.

Today will be cloudy but warm and then we have 6 days of absolute bullshit weather. Cold temps, some rain, possibly some snow. Absolute bullshit.

I am having some thoughts about my future too and the fact that I'm actually considering it, even though it's out of my reach currently...it fits with "me."

And I'm not gonna write about it just yet because it still requires me to find a job and pay off all my debt and then to power save.

It might take me two years to make this goal and it's one that the cats would be affected by. They'd be with me so that's not the issue but Grey is going to be 16 shortly and I have to take her health into consideration.

So really, it just hit me yesterday that if I struggle so much to fit in that stupid ass box I've been writing about, could I do it for a year or two knowing that I'd be getting the fuck "out" of it would be coming?

There's a lot to think about here.

I might have a new dream folks; one that is attainable.

We shall see, we shall see.

On that note, I'm just gonna get going and see how this day unfolds; no must do's, no have to do's, just choices.

It's so much easier wanting to have to do things as opposed to being frozen in place feeling that I have to do them.

I hope you have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Once Again, The Box

Good Morning!

And it is.

Each day the sun shines through, I don't know, it somehow makes things feel less burdensome. I guess that's a word because it didn't get the red underline.

I type really fast and so I often times come back and read my blog and my spelling and/or grammar is all fucked up.

So I apologize for that. I'm not an idiot, I'm just to lazy to go over it before I hit submit and then once I see my mistakes, I'm too lazy to fix it.

Lazy girl.

So I'm not sure where this blog is going to go. I was supposed to meet a friend for lunch but other things came up and I actually, in spite of no fucking sleep again, feel energized and I have to run with that. But I am having so many "thoughts."

Some of this may get nasty, some may not. I don't know. Cuz I'm having feelings too. I'm not angry, I'm just annoyed that some people are the way they are and I have no control over that.

Let's start with control. I learned in AA, and it's one of the things I agree with, that we have relatively little control over anything.

Politics. No control. But this shit is fucking torture, at least for those of us who don't believe in how things are playing out.

And some people I know are like, "I don't want to talk about it." And I agree. I give a shit but this stuff is fucking with me completely. And I have no control over it. Saying that we have to stay informed? Why? At this point, I'm serious. Why? Reading about it, talking about it, thinking about it, it's a motherfucker and it fucks me. 

I don't want to get fucked anymore. I have no control over any of this. Show me what to do, prove that it'll be effective and I'll do it but don't fucking come at me all upset about this shit because I don't agree with it either but I'm saying this and I'm saying it loudly, "It is tearing me apart. It is turning me into an angry person again and I cannot and will not do this anymore."

I'm going to a fundraiser with my sister tomorrow and so that's doing something. But I refuse to engage in conversation or to read shit that only serves to instill fear. Call me ignorant. I don't fucking care, then I'm ignorant. I'll do what I can, what is within my control but the rest of it...tell me, those of you who worry and get so upset over this shit, what is that doing for you? What part of that serves you and makes you better or stronger?

Next bitch.

This job shit and this losing the apartment shit and having my credit about to go down the toilet? Yeah, I give a shit but it's the same thing. I'm applying for jobs. The only delivery service available to me right now is Instacart. I don't want to do it. It will not save the apartment but it will get us food and gas and maybe I can stay on top of everything other than the apartment so I'll do it. 

But I can't give too big of a shit about all this either because it's not for lack of trying. I have good days and bad days with it but I am trying. I am doing.

Either I'll get a fucking job or I won't.

Let's talk about sleep.

Without the details, because let's face it, I talk about it constantly on here, I don't get much. On very rare occasions, I get sleep. Yay for me.

I am currently on a 3 day streak of not sleeping enough and it does affect my ability to do stuff. Brain fog and physical exhaustion is a real thing. It is. I'm owning that. No one knows what it's like unless they too, deal with it. 

It is probably the single worst thing I deal with because it affects my ability to deal with any of the other big things.

Social Media. Fuck social media. It's a cesspool. I could go on a huge rant about it but I've done that too. It serves no purpose and honestly it serves no place in my life. I hate it. It's turned me into a zombie who only knows how to scroll and scroll and scroll. That week I went off of FB? I felt better. Fuck this shit and the things people are posting. I get that they care but even the people who I happen to agree with? I just...what is posting on FB going to do? What is it going to do? Nothing. It's so fucking stupid.

Certain humans. And I use the word "human" lightly. Man. It's not a matter of knowing certain things about certain people because nothing surprises me anymore. Like, I know who these people are. And I don't let them upset me by what they're doing so much as trying to figure out, "why? Why are you like this, don't you see how you are and what a puke of a human you are? You are damaging the very humans you are supposed to be caring for." Not gonna go into detail on this one but only bring it up to say that the things one person in particular is doing to...I'm gonna stop there. 

I have no control over that either. None. He's a piece of shit. He chooses not to see it. In fact, he doesn't see what a piece of shit he is. He's horrid. But again, I have no control in this situation. I just hope that I'm still around in the future and that I get a chance to try and be a positive influence in certain people's lives and to love them unconditionally and help them heal from what is currently being done to them.

I have to let go.

The other thing is harder. It's this "in the box" thing. I don't know how to express how real the box thing is for me. Most people acclimate to the box. I have tried yet the harder I try, the less I sleep, the less I am able to move forward and do any of the things I want to be doing.

Let me just say this. I need to focus with all my might on getting my daughter to a place where she is 100% independent. She is working towards that. But. 

I will never have money for retirement. I will never own a home. I will never be someone who has wealth or security or the status quo. 

I have been fighting who I am for so long because there is shame in not being able to conform. It's not a matter of not wanting to, if I could I would.

But I was built the way I am. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this, always worrying about how I'm going to afford to live. 

This is killing me, living like this and while I will not willingly put an end to this, I am now at a point where I just can't wait to be with mom and dad. Because this constant struggle of trying to fit into the box will finally be at an end.

What I've been doing for much of my life...is living in shame of the fact that I just don't fit into the box. 

And I'm an anomaly because some people live unashameably outside of the box but while I crave being free from the constraints of society, I also like some of the securities that come with living in the box.

My life, and myself, is a conundrum. 

I am someone who can't be defined because I'm all over the place.

And I'm stuck too because I'm still sortof caring for someone else. Someone I love and can't just walk away from.

Or run away from.

Because I love them.

So today, fuck the list, fuck getting a job, fuck it all.

Today, I'm gonna do me and I have some ideas of what that will look like but I just can't take the stress anymore. It is eating me up inside.

I cannot and will not discuss any of this, other than writing about it. I know so many love me but they want to help me fit into the box. I don't want the box and saying that...it's a huge relief. It feels like validation.

This is my truth and it has nothing to do with getting on meds or getting help with sleeping or changing my perspective.

There's a line in Stairway to Heaven where Robert sings, "There's a feeling I get, when I look to the west and my spirit is crying for leaving."

That has been my whole fucking life and it is who I am. I accept this.

I'm not giving up on finding a job, I'm not giving up on any of that bullshit but I do not, and will not, discuss this with people because we are shaped from birth to get in the box, to know the box, to believe in the box, to live and love in the box, to fear leaving the box.

I am going to live the rest of my life from the perspective of getting, and staying, outside of the box. It may take baby steps because I do have a realistic view of money and not relying on others to fix my shit. I do. So I'm sure I'll run back to the box now and then but it will always be from the point of view that it's a necessary evil for now.

And just know, that I know how much people love me. I'm not angry at anyone and I expect nothing from anyone but their continued love. I am grateful for the people in my life. I understand their concern but their concern...it doesn't help me either. Just love me. Just love Denise.

That's what I need right now.

I cannot discuss politics. I cannot discuss the box. I will pray my ass off for the person I wrote about above, that he becomes "real" just the like the Velveteen Rabbit did. In many ways I hurt for him because he was precious to me once and I see him now as damaged. I realistically know though, that it's up to him to see it, without shame, and to see how the damage is harming others and to want to heal. I will be there for the people he continues to hurt.

But I will also live my life.

Just for today, I am living outside of the box.

Just for today, I will do whatever I do, because it's what I want to do. No pressure, no shame, no self-judgement.

I simply cannot do this the way I've been doing this...this stress and this constant fear and worry. This is not me.

So I hope you all have a great day.

Do you.

And be blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Do or Do Not

Hi Guys,

Wow. I am so tired. I mean, not enough sleep but also, I had a dream about Dad. The dream was like...2 seconds long because I woke up from it but in that short time, we connected and there were symbols and he expressed his love for me.

I have been crying ever since.

The message was to stay strong and to keep going and to let love win.

And...of course, to let me know he loves me.

I can hear my daughter crying out from her bedroom. She's been having nightmares lately. If it continues, I'll go wake her.

So with all the tears, I am just utterly exhausted.

It's just been so long since I've seen him, my Dad. 

It was beautiful and so needed.

But again, and I'm sorry to sound like a broken record, I'm exhausted. I'm also emotionally spent at this point.

I'm not sure how to get through this day productively but I'm gonna try. 

And that's all I've got.

I'm gonna try.

Stupid fucking phone interview today but we are past the point of fixing this and hanging on to the apartment so I kind of feel like saying fuck it, why bother.

But then...Dad.

Stay strong...keep going.

I want to curl up into a ball and keep crying but I guess I've done that already. Two of the cats were worried about me and came to offer comfort. 

I am obsessed with my cats and I want another one. I want a boy for Pumpkin to play with.

I just feel like being reckless but I would never get another kitty when all of this is going on.

Ok, well here I go to try. 

Yoda said, "No, Try not. Do or do not, there is no try."

Here I go to do...something...anything.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Panic Makes It Worse

 

Good Morning,

Man. No sleep. Well, some sleep.

And a good, steady, productive day yesterday. I'm not spiraling but I am feeling fragile so steady is the plan for today as well.

We're gonna lost the apartment. 

I came to a place of acceptance with that last night but that's probably why I didn't sleep.

I'm not allowing myself too much anxiety over it. I can't. And I'm sure most people would be like, "what the fuck are you gonna do?"

I don't know. I only know that panic will make this worse.

There is peace in doing the usual things and there is peace in consistency. My days off having temper tantrums and going into victim mode are over. 

We've been OK and we will continue to be so.

Today, the fucking cleaning is getting done again, along with packing up my bedroom closet and the pantry.

Only things we don't need right in this moment. 

If we get evicted, we'll have until the end of April.

So just what we don't need right now.

So cleaning and packing and job search.

I've been incredibly good at not eating out, you know not spending anything other than what's needed.

I do have some piece of mind that this time around, this is not because I'm being irresponsible. This is life on life's terms. It happens regardless and often times, we have no control over it.

I can't fight anymore, there's enough of that in the world. Better to align myself with the flow than to fight against it.

That doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying. It just means that acceptance is so much better.

So on that note, guys, I'm going to go meditate and then I'll start the packing and cleaning and sometime before noon, I will begin the job search again.

It's really all I can do.

Just keep on keeping on.

Keep us in your thoughts if you would, send some good juju. It can't hurt.

Have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Rewards

 

Good Morning,

And it is. But my tummy is all over the place. I ate Italian sausage and pasta last night so I'm not surprised. I pay when I eat those kinds of things but it's only once in awhile soooo....a necessary evil I suppose.

I'm trying now to really stick to my goals, my goals for each day. Having something to focus on really helps me from losing my shit over things going on right now.

I got some good things done yesterday; dyed my hairs, gave myself a facial, cleaned my bathroom and cleaned my daughter's bathroom, did about 3 different cycles of dishwashing, did a bunch of laundry and I made a list for today. 

And I think it's a manageable list.

The one thing I have to do today that I really don't want to do is go to the laundromat. My daughter's comforter got nasty and our washing machine is WAY to little although I may give it a shot. Ugh, it just seems like a huge waste of time to have to go do that because of course, you have to sit there while it runs through and then you have to dry the damn thing.

I feel so bad for people who have to do that on the regular. Something to be grateful for I think. Anywhere you can find your gratitude, fucking do it.

I really need to go for a walk and I'm mad at myself. It's March in MN and I packed up all my hats and gloves and scarves.

It's not freezing by any means but it is cold out. My ears are super sensitive, even in the summer and it's warm out, or even hot, if there's a breeze, my ears end up hurting.

I do have a hoody on so I suppose I could use the hood but it's one with no ties so it won't be tight.

Ugh.

Because I'm poor as fuck and have no job, I have set some rewards for myself in the future if I hit this next round of goals and I'm not going to state what those goals are but suffice to say they mainly have to do with the whole consistency thing and turning these things into something I do, like breathing. I just do them, they are a part of me and I can do them quickly and efficiently.

I don't spend money like a mofo anymore. Those days are done, no excuses.

But there are a few things that I consistently have to talk myself out of buying. So I made a little list for myself and when I hit this next round of goals, I'll get these things for myself.

Life just simply cannot be about surviving. There has to be some joy and reward.

But there really shouldn't be instant gratification.

I have to tell you, for some reason, that reminded me of something I saw on a local newsfeed I saw. Some dude in my city was busted for narcotics and um, unlawful possession of a firearm.

They had a fucking picture of his shit, his dope. It was crack. There's no way that was meth. I've never done meth but I've seen it. This was crack, so much crack and I was like...sometimes the weirdos take hold man and they were spinning all kinds of thoughts in my head. It wasn't a trigger in the sense that it made me want to go do it but it made me think about wanting to go do it. There was so much. I'd literally kill myself if I had that much dope and that's another thing to be grateful for, isn't it? That that part of my life seems to be over and that I can have these thoughts but detach from them relatively quickly.

Crack is whack.

Oh, for those of you who care...stop using air bnb. Look it up.

I feel a little bit empowered because I've stepped away from Amazon and I thought it would be awful, but here I am, still standing, still getting the things I need and supporting small businesses in the process. I still shop at Targhetto, Wallyworld and the like...you kindof can't avoid it, ya know? But I'm hoping I'll get better and better at shopping alternatives.

I might be going to what I believe is a fundraiser to benefit Ukranians here in the states and also to send support for Ukraine itself. That's on Friday. We'll see. 

It makes me feel so good to be able to do something when everything else feels so out of control, it's good to have some where you can.

Alright, well, my earpods are charged so I'm going to go on a walk as that is on my list.

I'll be back tomorrow.

I hope the sun is shining where you are and if it's not, just know it's there.

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Totally Flaking Out

 

Hello!!

Man, I ended up, per the norm of late, totally flaking out yesterday. Yes, I managed to clean up the kitchen and take the garbage out, I managed to make dinner but that's about all she wrote folks.

Whatever. 

We all know the drill.

But I'm going with the positive and saying getting something done is better than getting nothing done. Right now, I am sitting with a Target bag on  my head as I finally got myself motivated enough to color my hair. Boring dark brown. This is what I'm going with until I can get my oldest over here to help me. I want big, caramel streaks.

But I did this on my own as so much fucking gray is coming in and it's not a pretty white, it's not a uniform gray, it's that ugly, muted gray. I'll take a shower and all that when it's time to rinse out my hair. 

My daughter works at 11:45 so I probably won't do to much until I get back. 

My big focus today, at least my thought process right now, is to toggle between cleaning and job search. I need to upload my new resume to all the sites I use. All these different sites can get overwhelming. 

I am going to use Indeed from now on, as a search engine and then go directly to the career sites of each company.

I have literally not gotten a single hit on Indeed. Not one single hit in the 5 or so months that I've been looking.

I will cook dinner today.

I've given up on Netflix or any shows really, to escape or relax for awhile. Everything is so dark. I watched that Adolescence show and talk about dark. That kid is one hell of an actor though. He made you just...hate him for his age, hate him for his anger, and just in general be creeped out by him.

Some actors are too good though. They convince you completely and you can never watch anything with them in it again without remembering that first role.

If you're good enough, you can climb out of that. Anthony Hopkins will forever be remembered as Hannibal Lector but he's been brilliant in everything else he's been in as well.

I can't do dark and I can't do depressing. 

If any of you know of something funny, no darkness whatsoever, or heartfelt and uplifting, let me know.

I'm reading a lot now instead of watching shows. I feel like I have more control of what I'm fed when I do this.

My bestie said in a former conversation, "I take care of myself first, at all costs, I protect myself and practice self care because, as we all know, things have changed drastically in the past two months. Things completely out of our control.

I had some weird, freaky deeky dreams. I don't remember them all. But in one of them, I had this little turtle and it came out of it's shell and I set it down by a tree because I was going to wash it's shell and a snake came and ate it. Then, I thought it had been a frog and I had a little toddler, she was mine in the dream, with short, very dark, silky, curly hair. I left her outside by a lake to go do my hair. Thankfully, she was OK but I remember in the dream thinking, "Denise...what the fuck is wrong with you."

A snake eating something I love? That's obvious isn't it? 

Welllll, a turtle represents shelter, the fact that the turtle came out of it's shell represents a feeling of unsafety and uncertainty. A frog represents change or the unexpected and a snake in this case? He's a killer/eater of dreams and all that is positive.

The toddler represents me, trying to find my way through this new territory. The fact that I left myself in potential danger shows that I am not taking care of myself the way I need to.

To see a lake generally speaks to your state of mind. The lake was calm but dark. That tells me that I have emotions to walk through.

I already know what they are; fear, anger, judgement, hatred, blame, helplessness...

Honestly, I know I need to find a balance in the social media thing. It's killing me, it's ruling me. So how do you stay informed? I will figure this out. I also have to stay away, as already stated, from dark stories or shows right now.

I need to be aware of what's happening politically so I can prepare accordingly but I also need to do loving things for myself so I can stay grounded, calm, focused and to feel whatever safety I can in unstable times.

Blah!

There you have it.

I will be back per the norm...tomorrow AM.

Again, France, Sweden and Ireland, how I wish I were there with you now. Thank you, whoever you are, for your interest.

Be Blessed, all of you.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Contempt Prior to Investigation

 

Good Morning,

It's been a slow one for me and I'm OK with that. I managed to get all the dishes either done or in the dishwasher and wipe down the counters, I took out garbage but most of the morning has been spent on the phone. 

It is such a pleasure to talk with people who are like-minded and yes, I'm talking politics. I've said before that I'm not as far to one side as some might think. I'm practical. I think things through.

For me, it's the blind submission and belief without proof of anything. 

It does get to me.

Instilling fear in the uneducated...makes them rabid. 

It's on both sides.

I see it more on one side obviously but I don't want to get to far into all that.

I have really been faced with a self-reckoning, ya know? 

I see hypocrisy on both sides too. And I am a part of that. Because how can I condemn one action but praise another similar one simply because it happened on "my side" of things.

Who am I?

Civilized society is not a thing. It doesn't exist. 

And I'm coming to a place where I just...I know my beliefs and I refused to be swayed by either side. I don't want to walk around in fear and hatred. So I'm gonna take care of me and I did look up a bunch of protests, gatherings, etc. and I'm going to try and take part in the ones that closest represent my beliefs.

I will post whatever I want to on Facebook, I think the time for hiding is not here yet so I want to use my voice in any way I can and I realize that I won't change anyone's mind, it's not about that anymore, it's about owning my values.

I had two people delete me last night and honestly, it's a relief. There are about 5 more left and I mean...as long as they don't bring their hatred and rhetoric over to my page, they can stay or go. I don't do it to them when they post the most vile things.

Why do I keep them on my page? That one is a bit tricky. And I think it's what many of us on both sides are trying to walk through; how can someone so nice believe these things? My beliefs are NO stronger than the beliefs of those opposed. They truly believe what they believe and I don't understand that. I have opinions about it. But then...they're nice in person. I know they feel that way about me too. I get it.

What I wish, and what will never happen, is a coming together on both sides, a meet me in the middle kind of thing that would utterly destroy what the current leadership is trying to do here.

This is nothing new. It's been done before. There is a recipe for what's being done and it's being followed to a T, but with some new ingredients thrown in and...I'm not OK with that.

I really, really hope that if this current leadership burns itself out somehow or ruins too many things, and is ousted in one way or another, that we do not return to the status quo. 

I don't trust any politician. There are things that have needed to change and the fact that they didn't, brought us to where we are now. This was not all driven by Trump or Musk. This is something that has been in the making for a long, long time.

So things will need to change.

But not the way they are currently changing.

And I just hope this doesn't come to worst case scenario. I suppose part of me is still naive for hoping that, for hoping that humanity will step up, will get themselves together and look at every side of the coin and see it for what it is.

Yes. That's probably naive.

Put on your seatbelts.

Every day for me, is this struggle not to give in to hate, not to want to burn shit up and tear it down. Every day for me, is trying to let go of the hate and just take action where I can. Boy, fear and feeling helpless is a hard thing, and it is absolutely true that it breeds hate and violence.

As a race, a whole race, not breaking it down, humans kind of suck.

But I am trying not to suck and others I know, are trying not to suck. 

Just keep going, just keep swimming, just keep trying.

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance. And that principle is contempt prior to investigation."

That's all I've got. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Good Within the Not Good

 

Hello,

How is everyone today? It's gloom and doom cloudy here, a bit of a chill in the air, not Spring like at all. Meh.

Yes, meh.

Let's talk about meh.

I've been trying to break out of this frozen thing since mom passed. I don't think it's because mom passed at this point, I just think that's where it kicked into high gear.

I definitely have had this problem most of my adult life.

And it has affected the quality of my life. 

And I've tried so many things but not consistently.

So what would things look like in one month if I stuck to healthy eating, healthy sleep patterns, an exercise plan, took my vitamins/supplements, meditated everyday (this I actually usually do), used my happy light, etc.

There are so many things I get excited to try and I just dump them, let them fall by the wayside. I do believe that the whole thing also requires a bit of mental health toughness with myself. Self-talk can go a long way. Affirmations are a part of that.

One month...like...can I do it? One month. That's all.

You know, there are a lot of "new" fads out there; collagen, mushrooms, various detoxes, etc. Seriously, if you tried to take all of these, you'd spend your entire grocery budget on this shit. 

So for now, I'm limiting myself to my daily vitamins, a calcium supplement, my KaChava, which I drink on workout days because of the big protein payoff it contains and the fact that it contains some of almost every nutrient you need each day. I also am drinking "mushroom" coffee.

I have watched so many videos on mushrooms and their value and also read a lot about them. I include all mushrooms in this and even "magic" mushrooms. They changed my life, my perspective, my perception, my way of viewing the world. To be completely out of "yourself" and to experience the world in a totally sensory way, but not attaching your own thoughts to it...the wonder I experienced, the tears I shed, there was this purging that for me, it just lightened "me" up. So my goal with those is to trip twice a year, once on Beltane and once on Samhain.

I would never recommend this for anyone. It has to be a choice. If you are considering it, read, read, read. I only do them in a ritual setting, for me it's not about the laughter or the frivolity of it. And those things are not guaranteed. You can have a bad trip on shrooms too. I never have but I do cry on them, I shed enough tears that I believe these tears come from past lives too. I just do. That's me. You can call me hokey.

This is one of the reasons I don't identify myself as being in "recovery" although I do count the trips as part of my own personal "recovery". I hate that word.

Journey. Part of my journey.

They are still illegal so you gotta have a plug. I won't provide that for anyone, but if you put it out to the Universe, if it's meant to be, it will come to you.

But seriously, read about mushrooms, all kinds of them, not just the magic ones, watch documentaries, it's amazing and there is lots of research to back this all up.

So I digress; this frozen thing.

One month.

One month of hitting it hard. 

I really want to try and eat in a way that promotes all the good things too; a healthy weight, no tummy issues, no bloating or swelling anywhere, a clear mind, the ability to focus better, energy, a better night's rest.

So in this month, just this one month, I wouldn't eat out and I wouldn't get any fast food.

It's my plan, because of cost, to cut way back on that anyway. I'm thinking one sit down a month and one fast food if I absolutely have to have it but for this first month, could I just go without it.

A month doesn't seem that long but to me, it can seem endless. And with this mockery of a presidency going on...the stress, the outright hate, the vitriol, it's nasty and it's hard, it's hard not to retreat into depression and protection mode. And I'm not without fault here. When I say hatred, stress, vitriol, I'm on both sides of it myself. I am a hater and I do, in the deepest recesses of my mind, wish for certain outcomes. Hating, I would argue is even more damaging than being hated. My anxiety has been through the roof from the constant barrage of information, which it's up to me to research and go through, to come to conclusions on whether it's accurate or not and then fear based on the things people predict will come to pass.

I think a lot of people who suffer from the "frozen in place" thing, are experiencing it at a higher level than even they know how to cope with and I think that people who never had this problem, are having it and have no idea what to do about it.

These times man...not good.

But you can create bubbles of good within the not good. One bubble is my health; mental and physical. Another is friends and family and time spent with them. Another is rituals, which I have completely, 100% moved away from. How about I just start at Beltane? Like, let's do this. Because I believe that practicing that which brings you closer to the spiritual realm helps too.

I don't care what you worship or who you worship, as long as it causes no harm to others. As long as it's love directed.

So for one month, can I make something happen? Can I do an honest assessment of myself after 30 days and see where things are at, how I feel, my stress level...am I feeling better in general physically and mentally? 

Why not?

Why not?

So that's what I've got today. I may have more tomorrow. You just never know.

And so, on that note, I bid you good day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Lamentations

Good Morning,

Ugh, I have to try and motivate myself this morning. I've got something going on this afternoon and I have to get ready for it.

I'm not complaining, I am more lamenting my energy and motivation levels.

But this is important so I'll get there.

I'm not going to go into a tirade but I have to say...this political bullshit is exhausting even when you try to keep out of it.

I was told I'm not nice because I posted about Musk's man boobs.

Yet, this person liked another person's post about how it's time for the beheadings of democrats to begin. 

Check yourself. You're falling into exactly the stereotype people have of you. I'd be embarrassed.

Whatever.

It is easy to get lost in this though. It is easy to get lost in the hatred and to become a hater. 

I am trying to not let that happen.

It is very hard to navigate these times. Very hard.

It's the hate that gets to me the most. And feeling the hate right back. And the judgement of others because I'm doing that too. It's almost impossible in this climate not to. 

And these things make it harder for me to just get by.

I have set some tentative goals and I'm not going to go into what those goals are here. I'm talking about goals regarding what I might do if the political scene in the US continues on the path it is currently on. 

Yeah.

We have to. We all should.

Anyways, those goals are easily attainable as long as the immediate goal of employment is made. I have much to take care of but can't do it obviously without a job.

I am very proud of myself because I have managed to pay off two of the credit cards I had to use to cover bills when I wasn't working.

I'll get there.

The biggest thing on my plate right now, other than obtaining employment is addressing the things I still struggle with from a mental health point of view.

And I am stuck within the confines of helping myself without any kind of therapy or meds because I don't have insurance.

So when you see me writing about meditation, about breathing exercises, about using my happy light, about cutting out meat for the most part, about trying to get enough exercise and slowing down on sugar, etc., drinking enough liquids, about doing affirmations, it's all because it all helps, however minutely and I'm just fucking hoping that all these small little pieces will help me somehow.

It's all I've got because lately, for the most part, I have been frozen in place.

It's not living, this.

There needs to be movement in the areas of my life that I have control over.

And so, I don't know how to do it. I know that my lists overwhelm me but I also know that without lists, I'm like a feather in the wind.

I do think I need to stay off of social media as much as possible because that one week I gave myself, made things so much easier.

But I also want to stay informed.

Like...do you see my conundrum? There are pros and cons to it all. I guess I just have to do my best and remember that like that woman said, "You CAN do it all, just not all at once."

What do I need to do right now? I mean, other than finding a job?

Ok, so anyways, ADHD taking over here; I finished my resume, it's amazing. I'm proud of this sucka.

So I actually finished something.

I'm gonna leave on that note, on something positive.

I hope you all have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Little Tiny Progress

 

Hi Loves,

So here we are at Wednesday. Did I mention yesterday, or did that come after I posted, that my timecard was finally approved? 

Yeah baby, that's what I'm sayin'.

I'm grateful. I am. Now, I can truly be done. It's funny because I went to an informational session at Anoka Tech with my daughter today and they have a welding program and that company I was with last week was a welding school.

Small world, little coincidences.

Of which...my friends....there are many. I may have something but don't want to jinx it so I'll let you know in the next couple days.

Let's just focus on today, shall we? I got some things done yesterday but please take that with a grain of salt because it wasn't much. 

But I am excited to say that within 10 minutes of my posting this today, my resume will be done and I'm super proud of it. Yiddew, tiny pwagwess (little tiny progress) is better than no pwagwess.

My other goal today is just to get it transferred to LinkedIn and to start posting so as to draw more viewers to my page. 

And then stuff around the house.

So pretty much SSDD.

Boom diddy boom diddy boom.

I'm better today, not as tired. I took two freakin' naps yesterday and went to bed by 11 and got in just over 6 hours of sleep but seriously, with the naps I got in yesterday, I've averaged 8 hours per day/night in the past two days so that's a good thing.

I'm helping my daughter make dinner tonight, she's gonna make it but I'm gonna walk her through it. And everything else...just gonna do whatever but it'll all count towards the things I want to accomplish. And man, there are so many things I want to accomplish. 

I was going to color my hair today but now I'm not going to simply because hair dye has a way of getting all over your skin, etc. and based on something I've got going on tomorrow, I don't think the timing is right.

So it'll get done tomorrow night.

I did meditate this morning, all that good stuff so now just a plan to move through my day and accomplish what I can and not stress myself. I'll worry about stressing myself starting tomorrow around 2:30PM.

It sure has been nice to have some time off, I want to say sorry not sorry. Yes, the money part of things sucks but...even so.

Just to get caught up on sleep and not have all the pressure. But even so, I am hoping said pressure returns soon.

I hope that you are having a wonderful day, I hope it's nice where you are because MN is horrid right now. The segue way into spring here often times is almost unbearable.

But this too shall pass and then sun filled skies and warmth. I am so here for it this year.

Ok, well be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Big Emotions Got Me Frozen

 

Good Morning,

So, my timecard still isn't signed.

What the actual fuck? I'm going to call my recruiter today and find out the policy for them not signing it. I emailed the woman who I had interviewed with but when I went in to see if the timecard had been approved, it was the guy I worked with who is supposed to sign it.

So I'm going to text him today. I figure a text will get through quicker than an email. I know how busy they keep this guy. But still. Com'on.

I just emailed my recruiter. We'll see what she says.

Anyways, other than that, the struggle is real. 

The motivation thing. It's so weird because I will sit there, on the couch, fully aware that I have things to do and I don't want to do them.

How do you get up and go when your get up and go, got up and went? 

There is some internal thing going on because I have the awareness of what I'm doing now, but it's like I'm frozen.

Each day stretches out before me and it just seems unbearable...in a bored, hard, stupid, is this all there is kind of way.

I come back to the word normal again. Why? Why can't I be normal and just get shit done? 

Right now, I don't have answers but I did read this article about rapid cycling bi-polar disorder and "undetermined" bi-polar and my friend who I had lunch with yesterday, he was diagnosed with that. He doesn't experience the traditional highs and lows, manic, depressed states but what he described is how I feel much of the time. I'll be really effective for a day or two and then...I just want to be in bed and cry for a week.

He is not medicated. And he said that now that he's aware, he really pushes himself on those low days. You have to, you can't give in to that, because life goes on and society isn't equipped for these things. We don't get days off for bi-polar episodes and really, should we? And really, I don't even know if that's what I have. It just sounds similar to what I experience and I wouldn't go on the drugs they prescribe for bi-polar anyways. So pushing through is the answer regardless. 

I came very close to finishing my resume yesterday and I had hours to complete it but I just sat here...frozen.

I had a big reaction to seeing my friend yesterday. And I knew when I got in my car to go home, that while my feelings of happiness at seeing him were real, the intensity of it, that was my borderline personality shit. BIG motherfuckin' feelings.

We had such a great talk, got caught up on our kids, got caught up on what we're both doing in life. He has a "lady friend" as he puts it which just cracks me up, he's so funny, but it sounds like he's been with her for awhile. He also is the only parent to his younger girls as their mother passed away about two years ago now.

He showed my pics of the girls. I see him in them of course, but I saw their mother too and it made me sad. But they are doing really well.

He is as exuberant as ever. 

I thought of my sister as I do anytime I'm with someone with a louder timbre to their voice. She wouldn't have been able to sit there.

But that's us; we're loud and we were laughing out loud and just enjoyed catching up. 

I think the emotion came in for me when I first saw him and when we parted ways because he gives real hugs, not those polite hugs that have no real umph to them. He pulled me in and held me so tight and that hug said, "you're my friend and I'm so happy to see you."

He was a very important part of my life years back and I even told him I remember the first time I saw him. 

It's good to have friends, especially ones that love you and I've talked about the fact that that inner circle is so very small but it's so tight, it's good. I trust it.

I'm just so happy he's thriving, that his girls are thriving.

So I do think the heightened emotion of that meeting affected the rest of my day and I knew it was that but still...just frozen.

There's this book my sister from another mister and anutha mutha recommended to me called like the 1-5 rule and I think the gist of it is that you count to five and then you just get up and go.

So today? What of today then? 

I don't even want to write anything down because then I'll just use it to beat myself up if I don't accomplish it.

I'm going to do the things I always do to start my day because there is security in those things and I do them well and we'll move on from there.

Be Blessed Loves.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Future Card

 

Hi Everyone,

Big deflating sigh.

But I can't give in to that. I'm just ah, I'm really overwhelmed. I did get some things done yesterday but I am completely unmotivated.

I did a tarot reading this morning and in the present position, the card was reversed and represents self-pity, self-indulgence and depression. 

Yup.

But the future card represents going after your dream, fresh starts, chasing your bliss and new ideas.

Time to jump in I guess.

In many ways, I'm back to where I always end up. I am willing to do the work but I need the stability of a permanent job.

Am I grateful to not be at that job I was last at? Yeah. I'm grateful.

But it just sucks.

Because I didn't choose that situation. That was beyond my control. And here I am saying I'm willing, let's do this...and this happens.

So today, I did start with meditation. I am gonna do the dishes because I'm hoping maintenance will show up and fix my sink today.

I had to make a huge payment on a credit card because I forgot that my electric bill was paid with it and put me over my limit.

Fuck me.

That company still has not signed my time card. I'm going to email the woman who hired me. I don't have the boss's email or I'd email him. I give no fucks. Pay me.

I have to change my attitude.

So I'm going to take care of the basics this morning, just keep going and we'll go from there. Somehow, I have to turn all this around.

So on that note, I'm going to sign off and see what I can do with this day.

Thanks for stopping in, send hugs if you would because I'm feeling a bit fragile.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Monotony

 

'Ello Poppets,

This morning is good. I got 7 hours and 45 minutes of sleep in, I done had a good production on the throne, it's sunny out.

Yeah, it's good.

Yesterday, the weather? Keep in mind it was sunny and 74 on Friday. The temps dropped all day yesterday and it was sooo windy, like just brutal.

Why does taking a big dookie make you feel so wonderful? I literally feel lighter in my britches.

I got much done yesterday but of course, not the whole list so today is a continuation of that plus getting food for the week planned and purchased. 

But I should have that list done today and that will feel amazing.

I can do it all, just not all at once.

I got about two thirds of my LinkedIn profile updated and changed. When my daughter gets up today, I am going to have her take some headshots and then send them to my other daughter for editing and to put in a white background.

I also have to revamp my experience section but then I'm good to go. In order to do that though, I need to update my resume and so we begin that process today.

The day, for me though, I just find it all works better if I give myself other tasks so as to break the monotony. 

Yes, so there you have it. 

My apartment people never showed up about the leak under our sink so I have to resend the request. I was able to do the dishes yesterday. I washed them with the bucket underneath the sink to catch the leaking water and then I put them in the dishwasher to dry.

I'll have to do that everyday until they fix it I guess.

I'm going to allow myself some slow to the punch time this morning; meditate, yoga, etc. and then I'll jump in.

I've decided to start rollerskating on Wednesday nights because the music on Sunday mornings sucks so bad. It's no fun when you're going around the rink hoping the next song doesn't suck as much as the current one does.

As far as emotionally with this whole thing that happened this week, I'm fine. They lied, I didn't. Done deal, let's move on. I am a little bit worried that if the owner is the one whose supposed to sign off on the timecard, that he's not going to do it. I have to call my recruiter tomorrow or I'll just email her and find out what they do if that ends up being the case.

But I can let it go until tomorrow.

I have bigger fish to fry.

When I write out my schedule for the week, I am going to write it out both ways; as if I don't have a job and as if I do, so that I can be prepared to jump in to working ASAP. I don't want to get used to not working and I don't want to be wasteful of my time.

It's my job to find a job and it's also my job to keep busy and to have meaningful, productive days. 

So I now leave you with that.

Onwards.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

The Zombie Show

 

Well Hellooooo,

Ah, here I sit. 

Guess what? I have a list of things to do today. Are you shocked? Rather than write it out, I'm just going to stay busy and see what I can achieve today.

The temps reached 74 yesterday. Unheard of for March in Minnesota. There was a pretty wicked thunderstorm last night but I slept through them. Kinda sad about that but glad my sleep fell into my required range to think, feel and behave like a decent human being.

I did take the prescription stuff last night, along with an edible because at the end of the day...what's more important? 

I gotta sleep.

And I did. So, good way to start my day.

Well. I'm still not freaking out. I mean, not completely. I'm not going to fall apart. We have had miracles come our way and who I am to say that the miracle train has ran it's last track? I don't think it has. 

I'm not talking about people giving me money, I'm talking about the Universe providing.

When I think about faith it's a different thing for me than religious faith. It's just the knowledge that we will be OK.

Any fears I have, they are based on what we stand to lose and that human response of hold on tighter. The opposite of fear is many things; one of them is faith. This is followed closely by action. 

Many people would say that courage falls in there and it does but...sometimes you don't feel courageous and so it's that faith thing; just keep acting as if, just be grateful, just know that you will be OK no matter what. 

Yeah, I would like to be able to make my credit card and loan payments, I would like to pay my rent. I desperately need an oil change.

Guess what? Worst case scenario? I burn up my car engine and it's dead, I lose the apartment, all my credit goes to shit...

I don't want any of that but...I'll live.

These are not life ending problems.

I got two phone calls yesterday, well technically 3. I'll tell you about them.

The first one was from my recruiter and you know...the more I think about it...I believe that this company purposefully kept out the sales part of this job when they asked to have my staffing company fill this position. That's shitty. 

And knowing what I know about the owner, my recruiter feels that this man probably was putting a lot of pressure on them to find someone. I don't think they intentionally set out to hurt someone, but I do think they intentionally kept the sales part out because they knew my staffing company doesn't hire for sales and because they were hoping whoever came in would just accept that. Neither of the people pushed back when I told the owner that noone had expressed the sales part of this position and he didn't either.

That's all the energy I'm giving this. I got taken. My staffing company got taken.

Here I am and that's where my energy needs to be. I will learn to ask more questions now...you know, when interviewing for a position, any position really, whether it's through the staffing company or one I find on my own.

So my recruiter called anyways and we had a good talk and she's gonna keep me in mind and do her best to recommend me for anything that comes up. It is what it is. Either she does or she doesn't. 

No more eggs all in one basket.

The second person to call me was my friend Tracy. She was with our friend Carol and they wanted me to meet them for lunch. I said no because I just still needed to soak this all in and try and get myself moving. But Tracy reiterited what I wrote in my blog yesterday. I acted with integrity. I didn't get nasty, I didn't assign blame, I asserted my boundaries and needs. And she also reiterated that we will be just fine.

Then my friend Karen called me and we had a fantastic talk. She reminded me that maybe it's time to think outside the box. Her daughter is a dental hygeniest and you know, I can't go to school but many dental offices are low on the help they need. Many of them will train someone to be a dental assistant and will pay well to keep someone good...and I mean...free dental. I want this brown/yellow tooth of mine to get fixed. I mean, maybe?? It's a good thought anyways. Also, she told me when I go on Indeed to search without a job title just to see everything that's available.

I just thought that was so thoughtful of her.

Shift gears time; my daughter and I are beginning the process of packing up the apartment. Not because we are thinking of breaking the lease but because we already know we are going to move out when the lease is up.

Having started the looking process, I've come to accept we are not going to find anything cheaper. But for what we're paying here, I may be able to find something not as nice but at least bigger and that's what we so desperately need. More room.

So my daughter drove a bit last night and we scheduled an information session for her to begin thinking about school and what she might want to do. I support this 100%.

You cannot just give up and deflate.

100% transparency here; I did end up doing just that yesterday. But I think I needed it. After the last two months of only getting enough sleep maybe 20% of the time and getting up so fucking early and being to tired to do anything in the evenings...

You know what? I want OUT of the zombie show.

So today...a list.

It has lots of different things on it and that's OK. At the end of this day, I would like to be in a place where I don't feel so restricted and where there be more room to focus on job search and just my life in general.

Lots of projects also to keep me busy and not overthinking this.

I am meeting a dear friend for lunch on Monday, one of my former lovahs. He's fun to look at but you all know I don't play anymore so I will just be able to enjoy him and his precious energy.

So looking forward to this.

Hard work and a little play mixed with a shit-fuck-ton of faith will get me through this.

I had another dream yesterday. It was...so weird. Not bad though. It was about love and connection and daring to expose the real me.

The details matter not. Just the meaning.

So on I go...

I hope you all have a great day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Integrity...Me?

 

Hi Guys,

Was not expecting to be sitting in front of my home computer at 9:24AM today. It is what it is.

I would highly encourage you to read the blog I posted this morning so you're up to speed as I don't feel like going over everything again.

I spoke to my recruiter as soon as I got in this morning. I updated her on all that occurred yesterday and she agreed that today should be my last day, that none of this was a fit for me.

She also explained that the staffing company she works for, explicitly does NOT place for sales positions. 

Here's where I feel a little taken advantage of and I'm not trying to assign blame, I'm trying to wrap my head around what just occurred.

So, I believe her when she says that she didn't know this was a sales position. 

So why did the company I went to work for not express that this job was at least 50% sales? Is it something they did on purpose because they figured they could just get someone in and lay it on them once they were there? 

I also found out that the owner really pushed back on lowballing the pay grade when my recruiter said that my pay should be higher.

So.

I will never know because this is all a game, the whole recruiting thing, you know temp to perm or temp/contract thing.

It's a game. And you have to know how to word things and kiss ass a little in order to be a contender.

And I did that.

So I will never know the real deal.

But I am also at peace with how I handled this situation. I did not just walk out, I did not let my emotions get involved.

I handled the barrage of questions from the owner yesterday with maturity and I held my own ground. 

So many people told me to "play the game" until I found a permanent solution but you guys, that's not me. These people were really nice to me. 

You have to understand that for me, dishonesty is a bad, bad thing and omission or outright lying, that's a direct line to drugs for me. That is drug addict mentality. This goes deeper than just paying the bills. 

I want to make it clear that I was willing to stick around while they found someone else and I offered that. And I would've honored it too. But I could not bold face lie, assuring them I was their girl, only to leave when what I'm really hoping for turned up.

I couldn't do it. Especially after looking the owner in the eye yesterday and assuring him I wouldn't do that.

So I went in and spoke with the Director I've been working with/for. He is so nice and I had to tell him that no, this was not for me and ask him what would be best for him and the company. He was not surprised at all. And he said he agreed with my decision and so appreciated my honesty. The word integrity kept coming up and you guys...it fucking makes me cry that integrity was a word used to describe me.

That it's a word I feel like I deserve. 

You guys, I've never felt that way about myself.

I don't know how these things changed but they did. I'm not here saying I'm perfect or wonderful or whatever but I am here saying I have changed for the better and I'm willing to stay on this path and just keep trying.

Integrity always seemed like it'd be easy but it's not. It's not at all. It seems like it'd be so much easier to lie and cheat and grab what I can from whoever I can to get myself to the next step but...not for me, not anymore.

I am in tears as I write this because I'm fucking terrified, frustrated and overwhelmed but I'm also really fucking proud of myself.

I am.

I've never felt this before.

I think it's my mom. Yeah, I take responsibility for my own growth and changes but going through everything I did with her and then...you know, since she left this place and then the dreams...she's still my person.

I don't believe in any particular "God" but I believe in something and I believe Momma is with me.

So.

I'm gonna be OK. I'm gonna figure this all out.

So for today? I'm gonna give myself a moment and then I'm going to start my day over again and really...no plans. I already know what has to be done here.

So I'm not going to go to bed until bedtime. I'm going to keep moving all day but at a steady pace. And I'm going to do that tomorrow and the next day too.

Thank you, all of you, who read this on a regular basis and who send messages of hope and support. My blog has changed too hasn't it?

I appreciate you all so much.

Biggest hugs to all of you.

Love & Light,

Neecie

No Cataclysms Here?

Hello,

Oh my god, today has been interesting. I'm posting tonight and will post tomorrow morning, which will be today to you, the faithful reader.

I don't even know where to start. There were no cataclysms but there were definitely...I mean, it's a full moon and there is going to be an eclipse to boot.

So weird fucking shit happens.

So I handled the situation at this job I'm currently at, or thought I had, when the owner came in. There are 3 of these schools and two of them are in North Dakota. So the owner lives up there.

He's down here on a regular basis though.

I have never met such a direct person. Literally. Never.

He wasn't an ass though, which makes it weird. He sat down and started throwing questions at me and I know it's because he was told about the phone call my recruiter had with the two people who brought me on, yesterday.

He sits down, and he's like, "so tell me about how you found this job. Did the recruiter just throw it out there and you said yes because you need a job? What are you looking for exactly? What didn't you get about this job? Are you really thinking about becoming one of our employees, because if you're not, why are you wasting our time? If you're thinking about it, how long until you know? Again, it makes sense for us to keep you here while we're looking to fill the position but I think we can do that relatively quickly."

He wanted resolution and he wanted an answer right there so I basically said, "Look, the job appealed to me based on what I was told it would be" and he asked me, "what were you told exactly? Did you not understand or was it not made clear that sales is like at least 50% of this job? It's a big deal, it's how we bring people in. And I hold people accountable for their numbers."

I mean, he literally fired question after question at me.

I know that sounds harsh, but think about it. God, I have fucking changed so much. It's his company. He's proud of it. It's his living. He honestly is not an asshole. Denise now could literally see where he is coming from and not taking this as an attack or taking it personally. I flat out told him thank you for your honesty and I too, believe in transparency. I told him the truth. No, sales was never mentioned. I told him I don't think it was intentional but that's how this played out. I told him that I was willing to give this a try based on what I was told, based on the fact that I was also told that companies generally hire you on at a higher wage than what the staffing company does but that for me, even if I ended up loving the position, benefits are a really big deal for me.

He didn't play. I do feel like he heard me though and I do feel like he came out of that conversation with respect for me because I laid out my cards and I didn't fall apart at his inquisition of me. I could feel my face getting red at first, because I don't think most people in this day and age are used to that style of communication but I appreciated it so much because I kind of feel that my recruiter was bullshitting me and that she was playing both sides, emphasis on the word playing. And he knew that too. Thus, respect for my honesty and transparency.

And then, we all got taken out to lunch and I was included in that and he wasn't a jerk to me at all during lunch. 

So, I'll work tomorrow and I'll attempt the sales calls Monday but guys...yeah, I don't think it's gonna fly. Part of me is going to the why me part of things. I was doing so good, the first job was amazing and I just assumed this one would be too. 

My sister reminded me that Mom has a plan because I so firmly believe she's here with me and helping in any way she can from where she resides now and it's messages I recieve when I sleep, ya know? These dreams I've had are highly symbolic and I've been doing dream analysis for so long and then I do have a good intuition to bring to that too and so...I know what her messages have been, because she doesn't come right out and say them.

Anyways, self-pity feels wonderful, it really does but it serves no purpose whatsoever. Still, it's human so I allowed myself a bit of it but I need a job. A permanent fucking job. With good benefits.

Bottom line.

Then, we have a leak in our apartment, underneath the kitchen sink and it's not the end of the fucking world but it means staying up late to clean because fucking maintenance will be in here tomorrow and I have to hope the 3rd cat situation isn't discovered.

I'm not taking Pumps out this time. Fuck that. If they give us a lease violation, they give us a lease violation. I won't get rid of her.

Fuck 'em.

I could write more but it's 10:30 and I have yet to clean the kitchen so here I go. 

I wanted to write now because I won't get enough sleep tonight and I wouldn't have time to post because I'm going to set my alarm for as late as possible.

Well now today really is today. Oh. The dream I had. I had a house that was flooding. It was my house, makes sense because of our sink, reality spilling into the subconcious. But then it was my sister's house, although it looked nothing like her house. And we weren't sure if it was my fault or not and I would try to clean up one area just to have another start flooding.

It was not a good dream.

Overwhelmed? Yes. And I don't want all my shit to affect anyone else. 

I just want a job, a permanent job.

I can't take this job, especially after this man showed his cards and I can't fuck people over like that, I would be looking for something else.

I have to go. But I'm sick. I'm just really, really sick. Because of this situation.

No more floods, please, one person can only take so much.

Y'all wonnaful.

Thank you for that.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Moral and Ethical

 

Good Morning,

Meh. LOL. It is a good morning, I just don't want to go to work but at least things got a bit resolved yesterday.

They basically have me doing data entry now until Friday. I'll be there for 3 more weeks although they don't know that. It's a difficult thing, knowing they want to hire me permanently and knowing I don't want that. It feels like a lie. 

And I try to live as moral, ethical a life as I can nowadays but sometimes...you have to play the game. I think I need to write out my non-negotiables now when it comes to securing permanent work with benefits.

Things I can think of right off the bat are my pay range, my hours and what I am willing to pay for benefits, plus deductible and all that shit.

Also, how far I'm willing to go and how far I'm willing to go directly correlates to what I'll be paid because I won't drive to hell and back for less pay than I'm worth. No, for me to drive a hell drive each morning and evening, I need to have them blowing gold out their arse at me.

Huge thank you to my sister and my friend Tracy for being my sound boards and the voices of reason as I navigated what the hell to do about this current work situation yesterday.

I stayed up late last night, anticipating a phone call but the phone call didn't come, although the person did text to let me know.

I've decided that I'm going to put on my do not disturb right when I get home so no one can text or call while I'm trying to get shit done. I'll take it off about an hour before I go to sleep so that I can catch up on anything that comes through but then it goes back on when I go to bed. I already have it set so that my kids, and my sister and my bestie can get through no matter what but everyone else will have to wait.

I won't get anything done otherwise and right now, this job thing? It's my number one priority. Remember I wrote about that event I went to for International Women's Day? The speaker said something I really needed to hear. She that you can do everything you want to do, you just can't do it all at once. 

I get tripped up on that. And I give up because it's all so overwhelming. 

So my focus has to be on getting a job and I cannot let myself sway from that.

Therefore, tonight is about LinkedIn, resume and job search.

Yeah, I'll try to clean a bit and I'll shower but those are givens so why write them down? No matter what, I stop at 8PM to do those givens and my ass is in bed by 9. My body doesn't want 9, it would prefer 10 but I'll change that up once I get a job where I don't start at 7AM.

While I adore getting off at 3:30, it's too hard to make that 7AM start time although I've been doing it.

So.

There you have it.

I go now to the mad dash I wrote of recently.

Shit, wash my face, slap some basic paint on it, brush my hair, get dressed and GO motherfucker.

Be Blessed!!

Love & Light,

Neecie

Misery

Hi Everyone,

Miserable fucking day for me. I have no choice but to go in and do this job that I fucking hate. And for what? 

Money.

I am not in a good place. I am miserable. I am feeling sorry for myself. I am literally a shit show this morning. 

This job? They totally misrepresented what it is. It is a sales position. I was told I'd be answering phones, not making calls. I hate this job, I hate it and I've only been there for two days.

I am making sales calls, all day long. I am not doing anything remotely administrative.

This is not what I signed on for.

And I can't quit.

I can't do what I always do because I have no money. Nada. None.

I'm got a call last night that...I don't know, I had planned on working on my LinkedIn profile and I shouldn't have taken it because by the time I got off the phone, it was so late and I didn't get shit done.

And oddly enough, we did talk about boundaries and I didn't set them. 

You guys, I will go on, I will. But goddamnit, this is awful.

I don't know how I'm going to do this today. 

My impulse is to say fuck it and it's so strong.

It's so strong.

But I have friends who have lived through so much worse; harassment, you name it. I can do this, even if I don't want to, I can do this.

I just feel very shocked. Everything has been going so good, so smoothly...and then this.

It's life.

Life happens.

I got on LinkedIn this morning and I made two changes. I will finish that project tonight and will also get my resume done.

I can't get a new job in one night.

Please. If you know of anything, please let me know. 

Because sometimes it really does take a village.

And I'm out of time because I have to get ready and go. I will do my affirmations on the way in, I will take deep breaths. I will be grateful for a paycheck.

I hope that all of you have an amazing day.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Just That One Thing

 Good Morning,

Oh man, I only have about 5 minutes. My alarm went off on time but I didn't hear it. And so now the mad dash and I do so hate the mad dash because it means I don't have time to prepare food. 

And that's OK ya know? But I end up spending money not intended to be spent.

Because I say, "Oh, I won't eat until I get home," but I get hangry.

Lord.

Whatever.

I'll tell you more about the job tomorrow since I'm running low on time.

I got home last night and the pffffft happened. I think I crashed on the couch for about 45 minutes but then I was able to at least push myself to do some basics. 

Pumpkin is crying at me, not sure what she wants.

I digress.

I went for a walk, gave myself a facial, put the clean dishes away and put the dirty ones in the dishwasher, took a shower. 

That's about all I had in me folks.

Ugh.

But you know what? Going to be having done something, as opposed to nothing, felt good. Just one thing sometimes. Just that one thing...can make a difference in how you feel about yourself and life.

Whatever took me over last Friday, needs to take me over again.

Energy. I need energy.

So here I am. I almost hit my sweet spot for sleep.

Alright, I had to poop so I just stayed in the bathroom and got ready. I have to leave in 5 minutes.

I heard either a dove or an owl outside my window. One whos and one coos.

Either is pleasant to hear.

Maybe I'll blog tonight again, maybe not. 

We'll see how I feel.

I hate being in hurry mode in my mornings. I think I've at least figured out that 7:30 to 4 would be much better for me as long as it doesn't involve traffic.

So that's what we'll aim for.

And I'd love something hybrid, even if it was only once a week.

Ok, gotta go.

I hope you all are rested as we dig deep into the work week.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie

Grace

Good Morning,

Happy Monday?

I'll tell ya what. I am exhausted. So not enough sleep. Whatever. Yesterday was bad you guys. It was so bad. I was a crying mess. 

I think it was probably the time change, but I have to say, I was very emotional, very fragile feeling. I was exhausted yesterday too and did manage to get a little nap in but wow.

I was so tired, I don't feel like I was able to fully engage in anything.

And you know, what do you do on days like that? I feel bad because I haven't called my girls' other grandma and I haven't called my Aunt.

Like, it just feels like there is never enough time.

And I was overcome with sadness that so many of the people I love, and I include myself in that, who are sad or just not happy or struggling.

Can anything ever be easy? What if we able to flip the dynamic and make it so good things happened most of the time and the hard stuff was fleeting, much like happiness is now.

I don't know.

I really was pretty much a slug yesterday but after the nap, I did meditate and I did do my affirmations and a facial. I did do the dishes.

That was all I had in me.

Somedays, I think it's OK to give yourself that grace. I did call one friend who had texted me on Saturday and was able to make sure she's ok. I messaged my bestie and she made me feel better, she said had crashed yesterday too, was still in her robe. She told me to give myself grace.

So we all have these days.

You get through them and if you can manage the smallest of accomplishments, hey, you celebrate that. I was really upset because my previous boss hadn't approved my timecard. I texted her and she said she did but she didn't.

I just emailed my recruiter about it because there's nothing else I can do. I have to trust the Universe on this one.

And I start the new job today and I am exhausted and in danger of running late so I'm going to say, "I hope you have a great day" at this point and I mean it.

Tonight, more grace man. Nap, gym, shower, bed by nine.

I'm back to no meds. 

I read up on how the things I take may affect your heart and it wasn't good so I'm just like...ok, I'll just fucking deal with this.

Consistency.

And good days in spite of the world or myself or others or whatever.

Be Blessed.

Love & Light, 

Neecie
 

Romeo & Juliet

 

Good Morning,

You know, it's funny, the fall time change? I love that we gain that one hour but the Spring one, although it means it'll be light out longer, which I'll love, is you know, losing that hour. 

I went to bed at midnight. 

Awful.

But worth it. 

I had so much fun with my daughter last night. She made these pork chops that were very good and I made mashed potatoes, which were good but lacking in something...I haven't quite figured it out. I'm not a big potato girl. I think at the end of the day, they really just needed a bit more salt.

I made a dessert, it's one my mom used to make. Cream cheese cherry dessert. Oh la la sis cum bah!

We really enjoyed the ballet. Let's just say this, because I feel kind of mean saying this but, well let me back track.

My youngest and I went and saw Pink Floyd The Wall by the Twin Cities ballet some time ago and it was phenominal, the dancing and the music. There was a live cover band who played. This one was Romeo and Juliet, done to the music of Queen. The advertisement didn't say anything about it being live music so I assumed it would be the original music. Oh no.

And oh dear.

It was live and you basically know that Freddie Mercury was somewhat of an anamoly with his range, etc. so you know it's not gonna be as good but you hope that it will be at least, somewhat good. This guy wasn't a bad singer but he was not meant to sing Queen. It was so bad, it almost ruined the dancing for me and they music itself? It's like they dumbed it down a bit, some of it sounded country-ish and I didn't even recognize those songs.

But the costumes were so cool and the dancing was, as per the norm, incredible.

So it was worth it, just a bit of a let down, especially with how amazing the Pink Floyd show was.

My daughter though...she looked so nice. That kid can put an outfit together.

She's in the living room right now, working on her junk journal. It's a whole thing, go look it up.

We all had coffee and I'm fixing to take my youngest to work.

I'm really not going to do too much of anything other than prepare for work, I mean there are dishes, that kind of thing. I need gas, oil, etc.

Soooo...yeah. I think I'll feel a bit more energy once I get used to this time change.

Anyhoo, I hope you have a great day. 

Be Blessed.

Love & Light,

Neecie