So, my timecard still isn't signed.
What the actual fuck? I'm going to call my recruiter today and find out the policy for them not signing it. I emailed the woman who I had interviewed with but when I went in to see if the timecard had been approved, it was the guy I worked with who is supposed to sign it.
So I'm going to text him today. I figure a text will get through quicker than an email. I know how busy they keep this guy. But still. Com'on.
I just emailed my recruiter. We'll see what she says.
Anyways, other than that, the struggle is real.
The motivation thing. It's so weird because I will sit there, on the couch, fully aware that I have things to do and I don't want to do them.
How do you get up and go when your get up and go, got up and went?
There is some internal thing going on because I have the awareness of what I'm doing now, but it's like I'm frozen.
Each day stretches out before me and it just seems unbearable...in a bored, hard, stupid, is this all there is kind of way.
I come back to the word normal again. Why? Why can't I be normal and just get shit done?
Right now, I don't have answers but I did read this article about rapid cycling bi-polar disorder and "undetermined" bi-polar and my friend who I had lunch with yesterday, he was diagnosed with that. He doesn't experience the traditional highs and lows, manic, depressed states but what he described is how I feel much of the time. I'll be really effective for a day or two and then...I just want to be in bed and cry for a week.
He is not medicated. And he said that now that he's aware, he really pushes himself on those low days. You have to, you can't give in to that, because life goes on and society isn't equipped for these things. We don't get days off for bi-polar episodes and really, should we? And really, I don't even know if that's what I have. It just sounds similar to what I experience and I wouldn't go on the drugs they prescribe for bi-polar anyways. So pushing through is the answer regardless.
I came very close to finishing my resume yesterday and I had hours to complete it but I just sat here...frozen.
I had a big reaction to seeing my friend yesterday. And I knew when I got in my car to go home, that while my feelings of happiness at seeing him were real, the intensity of it, that was my borderline personality shit. BIG motherfuckin' feelings.
We had such a great talk, got caught up on our kids, got caught up on what we're both doing in life. He has a "lady friend" as he puts it which just cracks me up, he's so funny, but it sounds like he's been with her for awhile. He also is the only parent to his younger girls as their mother passed away about two years ago now.
He showed my pics of the girls. I see him in them of course, but I saw their mother too and it made me sad. But they are doing really well.
He is as exuberant as ever.
I thought of my sister as I do anytime I'm with someone with a louder timbre to their voice. She wouldn't have been able to sit there.
But that's us; we're loud and we were laughing out loud and just enjoyed catching up.
I think the emotion came in for me when I first saw him and when we parted ways because he gives real hugs, not those polite hugs that have no real umph to them. He pulled me in and held me so tight and that hug said, "you're my friend and I'm so happy to see you."
He was a very important part of my life years back and I even told him I remember the first time I saw him.
It's good to have friends, especially ones that love you and I've talked about the fact that that inner circle is so very small but it's so tight, it's good. I trust it.
I'm just so happy he's thriving, that his girls are thriving.
So I do think the heightened emotion of that meeting affected the rest of my day and I knew it was that but still...just frozen.
There's this book my sister from another mister and anutha mutha recommended to me called like the 1-5 rule and I think the gist of it is that you count to five and then you just get up and go.
So today? What of today then?
I don't even want to write anything down because then I'll just use it to beat myself up if I don't accomplish it.
I'm going to do the things I always do to start my day because there is security in those things and I do them well and we'll move on from there.
Be Blessed Loves.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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