Lamentations

Good Morning,

Ugh, I have to try and motivate myself this morning. I've got something going on this afternoon and I have to get ready for it.

I'm not complaining, I am more lamenting my energy and motivation levels.

But this is important so I'll get there.

I'm not going to go into a tirade but I have to say...this political bullshit is exhausting even when you try to keep out of it.

I was told I'm not nice because I posted about Musk's man boobs.

Yet, this person liked another person's post about how it's time for the beheadings of democrats to begin. 

Check yourself. You're falling into exactly the stereotype people have of you. I'd be embarrassed.

Whatever.

It is easy to get lost in this though. It is easy to get lost in the hatred and to become a hater. 

I am trying to not let that happen.

It is very hard to navigate these times. Very hard.

It's the hate that gets to me the most. And feeling the hate right back. And the judgement of others because I'm doing that too. It's almost impossible in this climate not to. 

And these things make it harder for me to just get by.

I have set some tentative goals and I'm not going to go into what those goals are here. I'm talking about goals regarding what I might do if the political scene in the US continues on the path it is currently on. 

Yeah.

We have to. We all should.

Anyways, those goals are easily attainable as long as the immediate goal of employment is made. I have much to take care of but can't do it obviously without a job.

I am very proud of myself because I have managed to pay off two of the credit cards I had to use to cover bills when I wasn't working.

I'll get there.

The biggest thing on my plate right now, other than obtaining employment is addressing the things I still struggle with from a mental health point of view.

And I am stuck within the confines of helping myself without any kind of therapy or meds because I don't have insurance.

So when you see me writing about meditation, about breathing exercises, about using my happy light, about cutting out meat for the most part, about trying to get enough exercise and slowing down on sugar, etc., drinking enough liquids, about doing affirmations, it's all because it all helps, however minutely and I'm just fucking hoping that all these small little pieces will help me somehow.

It's all I've got because lately, for the most part, I have been frozen in place.

It's not living, this.

There needs to be movement in the areas of my life that I have control over.

And so, I don't know how to do it. I know that my lists overwhelm me but I also know that without lists, I'm like a feather in the wind.

I do think I need to stay off of social media as much as possible because that one week I gave myself, made things so much easier.

But I also want to stay informed.

Like...do you see my conundrum? There are pros and cons to it all. I guess I just have to do my best and remember that like that woman said, "You CAN do it all, just not all at once."

What do I need to do right now? I mean, other than finding a job?

Ok, so anyways, ADHD taking over here; I finished my resume, it's amazing. I'm proud of this sucka.

So I actually finished something.

I'm gonna leave on that note, on something positive.

I hope you all have a blessed day.

Love & Light,

Neecie