Ah, here I sit.
Guess what? I have a list of things to do today. Are you shocked? Rather than write it out, I'm just going to stay busy and see what I can achieve today.
The temps reached 74 yesterday. Unheard of for March in Minnesota. There was a pretty wicked thunderstorm last night but I slept through them. Kinda sad about that but glad my sleep fell into my required range to think, feel and behave like a decent human being.
I did take the prescription stuff last night, along with an edible because at the end of the day...what's more important?
I gotta sleep.
And I did. So, good way to start my day.
Well. I'm still not freaking out. I mean, not completely. I'm not going to fall apart. We have had miracles come our way and who I am to say that the miracle train has ran it's last track? I don't think it has.
I'm not talking about people giving me money, I'm talking about the Universe providing.
When I think about faith it's a different thing for me than religious faith. It's just the knowledge that we will be OK.
Any fears I have, they are based on what we stand to lose and that human response of hold on tighter. The opposite of fear is many things; one of them is faith. This is followed closely by action.
Many people would say that courage falls in there and it does but...sometimes you don't feel courageous and so it's that faith thing; just keep acting as if, just be grateful, just know that you will be OK no matter what.
Yeah, I would like to be able to make my credit card and loan payments, I would like to pay my rent. I desperately need an oil change.
Guess what? Worst case scenario? I burn up my car engine and it's dead, I lose the apartment, all my credit goes to shit...
I don't want any of that but...I'll live.
These are not life ending problems.
I got two phone calls yesterday, well technically 3. I'll tell you about them.
The first one was from my recruiter and you know...the more I think about it...I believe that this company purposefully kept out the sales part of this job when they asked to have my staffing company fill this position. That's shitty.
And knowing what I know about the owner, my recruiter feels that this man probably was putting a lot of pressure on them to find someone. I don't think they intentionally set out to hurt someone, but I do think they intentionally kept the sales part out because they knew my staffing company doesn't hire for sales and because they were hoping whoever came in would just accept that. Neither of the people pushed back when I told the owner that noone had expressed the sales part of this position and he didn't either.
That's all the energy I'm giving this. I got taken. My staffing company got taken.
Here I am and that's where my energy needs to be. I will learn to ask more questions now...you know, when interviewing for a position, any position really, whether it's through the staffing company or one I find on my own.
So my recruiter called anyways and we had a good talk and she's gonna keep me in mind and do her best to recommend me for anything that comes up. It is what it is. Either she does or she doesn't.
No more eggs all in one basket.
The second person to call me was my friend Tracy. She was with our friend Carol and they wanted me to meet them for lunch. I said no because I just still needed to soak this all in and try and get myself moving. But Tracy reiterited what I wrote in my blog yesterday. I acted with integrity. I didn't get nasty, I didn't assign blame, I asserted my boundaries and needs. And she also reiterated that we will be just fine.
Then my friend Karen called me and we had a fantastic talk. She reminded me that maybe it's time to think outside the box. Her daughter is a dental hygeniest and you know, I can't go to school but many dental offices are low on the help they need. Many of them will train someone to be a dental assistant and will pay well to keep someone good...and I mean...free dental. I want this brown/yellow tooth of mine to get fixed. I mean, maybe?? It's a good thought anyways. Also, she told me when I go on Indeed to search without a job title just to see everything that's available.
I just thought that was so thoughtful of her.
Shift gears time; my daughter and I are beginning the process of packing up the apartment. Not because we are thinking of breaking the lease but because we already know we are going to move out when the lease is up.
Having started the looking process, I've come to accept we are not going to find anything cheaper. But for what we're paying here, I may be able to find something not as nice but at least bigger and that's what we so desperately need. More room.
So my daughter drove a bit last night and we scheduled an information session for her to begin thinking about school and what she might want to do. I support this 100%.
You cannot just give up and deflate.
100% transparency here; I did end up doing just that yesterday. But I think I needed it. After the last two months of only getting enough sleep maybe 20% of the time and getting up so fucking early and being to tired to do anything in the evenings...
You know what? I want OUT of the zombie show.
So today...a list.
It has lots of different things on it and that's OK. At the end of this day, I would like to be in a place where I don't feel so restricted and where there be more room to focus on job search and just my life in general.
Lots of projects also to keep me busy and not overthinking this.
I am meeting a dear friend for lunch on Monday, one of my former lovahs. He's fun to look at but you all know I don't play anymore so I will just be able to enjoy him and his precious energy.
So looking forward to this.
Hard work and a little play mixed with a shit-fuck-ton of faith will get me through this.
I had another dream yesterday. It was...so weird. Not bad though. It was about love and connection and daring to expose the real me.
The details matter not. Just the meaning.
So on I go...
I hope you all have a great day.
Be Blessed.
Love & Light,
Neecie
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